Tag Archives: forgiveness

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

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Forgiveness and Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

I commented on a friend’s Facebook post that argued people are wrong to tell the victim of a narcissist that they must forgive the narcissist in order to heal. I agreed and called bullshit!! on forgiveness. This was my comment.

I think sometimes some good old hatred is needed in order to heal and move on. Forgiveness is great with normal healthy people who hurt us. The people capable of truly being sorry and changing. That is what forgiveness is based on in my mind. God knows we all make mistakes and all deserve to be forgiven because we can make amends for our mistakes. But with a narcissist you are dealing with a disordered person who is incapable of ever changing or making amends because he/she does not feel like a normal person. They don’t feel guilt, they are disabled emotionally, they only want forgiveness to use it against you. How can you forgive a lie? A mirage? A hologram?
The only forgiveness needed is for the victim. People who love a victim of a narcissist need to forgive the victim and the victim needs to forgive themselves because no one goes looking to be abused. If they would have known what he was they would not have chosen to be abused. My biggest struggle has been to forgive myself.
On the other hand; it is not healthy to carry hatred and to seek revenge on the narcissist. Hatred and revenge involves obsessing about the narc. Blotting and planning. Consequently putting far too much attention on the narcissist and that is his goal. He would love nothing more than for the victim to spend the rest of their life hating the narcissist. Plus it is counter productive to healing and moving on. Trying to find forgiveness is also counter productive because either way the victim is thinking about the narcissist embedding him deeper in their brain making it even harder to forget him. (Not that we ever truly forget him) the best thing a victim can do is get to know themselves intimately and live true to their core self. To learn to set boundaries in ALL their relationships, to honor their own values and standards and not believe the lies they have been told about themselves for their whole life. Embrace their sensitivity, they are not wrong or defective because they feel and care more than most people. They are rare and special and are needed in the world. They just have to learn how to protect themselves

More On Forgiveness

Not wanting to flog a dead horse or start another debate on whether a person “should” or shouldn’t forgive their abuser I want to share this article in Psychology Today that I found interesting. Near the end of the article they mention narcissists, which perked my interest. Check it out here.

Forgiveness, The Bible, Oprah and Ted Talks

There has been a lot of talk about “Forgiveness” lately. A few readers have voiced concern that I am not forgiving my ex and therefore will never find healing or true happiness. It was said yesterday that by not forgiving my ex he wins. First of all I really don’t believe anyone ever “wins” in a battle with the narcissist because they never lose. Not in their mind anyway, I learned a long time ago that this is not about winning or losing to my ex; it is about me recovering and going on to live a full happy life. IF I were to make my decisions based on whether the N would win or lose I would be frozen in place because he will twist whatever I do into a win for him. What I do really doesn’t matter to my ex. I was bending over backwards to please him and he was on a crusade to destroy me, I was happy, sad, angry, suicidal, totally lacking in self confidence and confident, I begged, I ignored, I blocked and have had no contact and he won every time (in his mind) In his mind if I don’t talk to him it is because I am so hurt and I am lacking because I am not a forgiving enough person to be his friend, I am bitter, selfish, and stuck in self pity. When the truth is I don’t like him, he is toxic and I don’t want to talk to him. Does that make me unforgiving or smart?

He gets an ego boost because he knows I am talking about him here. He gets more than an ego boost, he also gets to blame me for being a vindictive bitch and it helps him turn people against me because they think “Why doesn’t she get on with her life.” because they view it from his angle, I am angry and slagging him. They totally miss the obvious facts that there was no identifying info in my blog that would bring anyone looking for info on my ex to my blog; it can not be revenge and slander if I don’t reveal who I am talking about. It is talking about my life and my experiences in hope of saving others from the same fate. Plus he is going to think he is so powerful he caused me such damage that I am still talking about it 4 years later.

He would not see it from the side I do. I see it as taking the worst thing that ever happened to me and making it the most positive thing I have ever had happen. I see it as an opportunity for great personal growth and self awareness. I always refer to myself as a survivor not a victim. I always tell people they “were” victims, it is their choice to remain a victim or become a survivor. That the N does not define who we are and we need to dig deep and in the process of putting ourselves back together keep the parts we want to keep and toss the stuff we should never have packed to begin with. It is not easy but it is immensely rewarding. My ex will never appreciate that or understand it.

I have said it before in here many times, the most influential person in my life is the WOSPOS, I credit him with bringing the most positive changes into my life and because of my experiences with him I am a better person. The experience forced me to do an honest inventory of who I am and who I want to be. I don’t think that journey would have been possible without the N tearing me down to nothing. So he was the catalyst to bringing me here, to a place of inner peace and serenity that I never thought possible but I hate to give him credit because he will tell people he led me to spirituality and it will be one more tool in his arsenal of weapons he uses to manipulate people.

But it is too late to worry about that, I have said it, he has read it and I don’t really care what he think or says. If he wants to get an ego boost out of that so be it.  Many times in here I have talked about how the abuse will always affect me to some degree, it is part of me now but that doesn’t mean it has to be a negative thing. The experience has given me heightened empathy and understanding and that has brought wonderful experiences into my life. Sure my life was much lighter and carefree prior to my ex but it had less meaning and purpose.

I think it is very common with people who have had near death experiences to feel at peace with life afterward and to want to talk about their experience, to share with people what they learned from the experience and that is kinda the way I feel, like I had a near death experience. I always worried I would live out my life and never figure out my purpose for being here, I have always felt driven to leave this world a better place for me being here. I have been given that chance, I know my purpose and every thing I went through was worth it because it brought me here.

I am not gripped by anger, hatred, vengefulness, or bitterness because I am the happiest I have ever been at a time when my life is at the lowest it has ever been (financially, by all outward appearances) Everyday I am amazed and grateful to wake up, look out my window and absorb the beauty that surrounds me. I am so thankful for every day, I stop every single day and thank God for this beautiful world I live in, for my son, my puppy, the nature that surrounds me and that my suicide attempt failed. I don’t think that sounds like an unforgiving bitter person who is hanging onto her pain or blaming anyone.

The mechanic at Ccon who ended up hurting me by lying, I was angry at first but hey, he has dropped by and we have visited I forgave him long ago.

My dad, I didn’t talk to him for 18 years but I never felt bitterness towards him, I didn’t ever say, “I forgive you” but you know what? he didn’t want my forgiveness, he would have been angered by my forgiveness because he thought he never did anything wrong and he did not need my forgiveness. I stopped talking to him because it was toxic for me, I felt hypocritical and found that any contact with him had adverse affects on me mentally and it was not worth it to me to put myself through that. I didn’t expect any one else in the family to jump on my bandwagon and I told them all it was my own choice for my emotional health. No one could understand that and when I heard that my dad might need a bone marrow transplant I told my brother I would get tested. He was shocked, why would I do that? Because he was my dad, I didn’t wish him ill or to die. I had good memories about times with him, I just could not deal with having him in my life, it was too distressing for me. All the other kids in the family would sit and bad mouth my dad behind his back, I just decided I didn’t want to be two faced. I have never regretted my decision, even when he died, everyone thought I would suffer a lot of guilt because I hadn’t seen him for so many years, they wondered how I could write such a loving obit and yet not talk to him in that many years. I wrote my dad a letter a few years ago when I heard he might be dying, I did not forgive him or ask for his forgiveness, I wrote him the truth. He had been a great dad when I was really young, I wrote about the good memories I had, the things he taught me that I use to this day. It was not written in an attempt to reconnect on a deeper level. I was giving him what he deserved, recognition for all the good he did with no mention of the stuff he did that hurt me and my mom. I think that is forgiveness and acceptance.

I didn’t suffer any guilt or remorse because I was confident in my decision and my life was better without my dad in it.

My brother did some horrible things to hurt me, I have never told him I forgive him, I don’t know if he even remembers doing some of them but I show my forgiveness with my actions and in my heart.

I forgive my mom for things she did that were very hurtful but I also have thanked her for trying to understand and I understand she was acting from her experience and doing what she thought was right at the time, and what she was capable of. Some people just do not view or feel like I do. I am 1% of the population, I can not realistically expect everyone to act the way I wish they would I accept that.

I do not have a religion, I do not attend a church at this time and to be honest I have not spent a lot of time in churches. My faith has at times been nonexistent or maybe more accurately, not thought about. At times my faith has been very strong. Today this is where I am at:

I have seen miracles happen in my life and those miracles served to strengthen my belief to the point that it was the only thing that sustained me during some very trying times with my ex. I really believed in prayer and it worked for me many many times and I had undeniably miraculous things happen in my life. I was baptised in English Bay with my son by my side in 2005 because of the miracles I witnessed. When the wospos and I got back together the last time and I was facing having to lose my trailer and move I prayed for a very specific home and when my ex told me of a deal he had heard of and it matched my prayer to the T, I had no doubt that I should move to Sask. I hadn’t wanted to move to Sask but I had not specified “where” I wanted this home to be and if God wanted me to move to Sask I was prepared to do it. I was excited to see what God’s plan was for me. When it became apparent that the answer to my prayer was orchestrated by my ex in order to make me dependent on him my faith was damaged severely. As time went on and more of my ex’s manipulation came to light, things that I had believed for years were miracles turned out to be elaborate orchestrations by my ex.

His mother who I believed to be the most Christian honest person in the world and who I relied on to be honest lied to my face and that hurt deeply. That she allowed me to go back to my ex, give up everything for him and move 1/2 way across the country when she was emailing the woman in Africa who he was telling he was going to marry and bring back to Canada was beyond hurtful. When i found out the truth i flashed back to when we stopped to visit her on our way to Sask and she couldn’t look me in the eye. I could sense she was very uncomfortable in my company and I was confused and thought it was something I had done. I didn’t know what her problem was. When I found the email from my ex to the woman in Africa telling her how much his mom enjoyed her emails it was like a knife in my heart. I confronted him on it and he said they just talked scriptures but you can’t tell me that a woman living in Uganda gets engaged to a man in Canada and believes he is going to bring her to Canada isn’t talking to his mother about her excitement. I had to do a lot of soul searching, my new knowledge explained why she was the way she was when I was there and I forgave her because she was ill prepared to deal with my ex. She wanted to be loyal to her son, I am sure she was praying the whole time. She does know I know and there is no point in me contacting an 80+ yr old woman now and bringing it up. It is the past.

After the extreme abuse by my ex for two years my faith was gone. I had no belief in anything. I didn’t believe in God, Karma or justice of any kind. How does someone destroy a person; take away their hope.

In the process of rebuilding my life I had to rebuild myself and a large part of what makes a person them is their spirituality. I am still working on that and I am somewhere in between the blind faith i once had and no faith and that is about all I want to say about that. Religion is a very personal thing and a very sensitive topic and to be honest I do not have enough knowledge to argue the point intelligently so I leave it alone for now. I am always willing to learn and explore different beliefs. Right now I will tackle the main points brought up by commenters. Please know that I respect everyone’s individual right to believe whatever they choose and because something works for one person does not mean it will work for someone else.

When a person has a blog they are leaving themselves open to the criticisms of the whole world, they have to be realistic and know that there is always going to be people who think you aren’t doing “it’ right.  I really try to avoid using words like “should” when people ask for advice because I do not feel anyone has the right to tell someone what they should do because even if you have been through something similar everyone is different.

I find it interesting that some people didn’t think I was angry enough and others that were shocked that I still loved my ex for a long time, now there are those that feel I should be forgiving but for all the different opinions about what I should be doing I have managed to get through the darkest time of my life to the most at peace point in my life. How a person gets there is irrelevant, as long as you get there.

This is what Oprah had to say about forgiveness and I think if you go back over my posts from the beginning you will see the progression I have made from angry and bitter to acceptance and yes forgiveness. I don’t say I forgive because I don’t think that is what is important. I think a person has forgiven when they accept that it happened and take responsibility for their future happiness and can find the good things in the experience.

I looked up what the Bible actually says: There are many verses on forgiveness so I picked three

Matthew 6:15 (ESV)

15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Romans 12:20 ESV / 23 helpful votes

To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Ephesians 4:32 ESV / 524 helpful votes

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Here is a story of one man’s forgiveness 

His story is not the same as mine. The man who changed his life had the ability to change and did, alcoholism is not a character flaw, it is a mind altering habit that can be changed if a person wants to change. But the man speaking talks about accepting what has happened and appreciating the good things that come out of tragic life altering events. His assailant had a family he loved and who loved him back, his family was paying the price of his actions and the victim chose to reach out to the family because he could see that not only his life had been forever changed so had theirs. They are in contact with the family. They are living what the Bible tells us to do. If your enemy is hungry you feed him, if he is thirsty you give him drink. The literal definition of forgiveness according to the Bible is not possible with a narcissist, not if you ever want to be happy and healthy. A person would be crazy to reach out to a narcissist in forgiveness because they will never appreciate it and only use it to victimize you further.

How can you ever be truly forgiving when you can never again be sure he won’t come up from behind in a surprise attack? You can go on with your life, appreciate your life, find good, not hold a grudge against him but you can never ever regain your innocence nor should you. Your innocence and belief that there was good in all people and we should forgive others because we also are sinners is what got you here to this blog in the first place.

My Story In The Canadian Centre For Victims of Violence – Victims Matter

Well, it has been published, or part one has been. They broke it up into two parts and as usual I feel I could have done better.

How on earth do you condense 10 years into 2000 words or less? An isolated incident maybe. How do you break through the preconceived beliefs of society to show that women or men who suffer domestic abuse are not weak, flawed people who secretly enjoy the abuse? You can’t just speak of the abuse without explaining why you were there to begin with, because the abuse starts long before it is evident. Each episode of abuse has a build up to it and then the aftermath. You can’t look at the punch to the head without talking about why you stayed. And how do you explain that in most cases you had no idea the abuser was plotting and planning his every move like a professional chess player plays his men. How he anticipates the victim’s reactions and what their next move will be and what move he will make in response to that. How do you explain how he uses your emotions against you and how your mind refuses to accept what just happened, how you WANT to be crazy. It is so much easier to accept that it was some horrible mistake or that somehow you could have prevented it than to accept someone you love with all your heart, and planned to spend the rest of your life with, could want to harm you.

And how at the time you don’t see the sequence of events because you weren’t expecting it and could never think like the abuser thinks, you can’t predict something your mind won’t even let you acknowledge. It took years for all the pieces to fall into place over the one incident when WOSPOS ambushed my son and I, and 4 years of no contact for it to actually sink in in its entirety and then the magnitude of what transpired grips your gut.

If it was a movie I am sure the audience would be screaming, “Don’t go in there.” because they would be privy to the behind the scenes planning of the abuser. But the victim never gets that advantage. I can see it all so clearly now. The WOSPOS worked for a solid week putting expensive spot lights all over his truck. It annoyed me because I thought he was stalling for time because he had been told to get out.

The night of the attack when my son and I pulled up and I saw wospos’s truck parked with all the spotlights on and pointed out away from the truck my first thought was how inconsiderate he was, he was always pissing off the neighbors by making noise in the middle of the night or having bright work lights on keeping people awake because they were shining in their bedroom windows. I thought to myself, “Great, all the neighbors are going to be complaining tomorrow, why does he have to be so dang inconsiderate all the time?” It didn’t even hit me when I squeezed between the truck and the lattice work, all I thought was, “Typical, he is so inconsiderate, not leaving room for me to get in the trailer.”

I still had a feeling something was not right, something else was out of the ordinary. It was not until I got inside the patio area that I realized, the mini white lights I ALWAYS left on, weren’t on. Again I thought it was him just being difficult. He was striding across the patio to his truck and I thought it was strange he had his cowboy boots on, he always wore runners, his cowboy boots weren’t that comfortable. I noticed because they were loud on the concrete. It wasn’t until the next day when the neighbors all huddled in the street talking that someone mentioned that they had looked out about midnight and thought it was strange my white lights weren’t on. He must have turned on his spot lights after I called to say I was almost home because no one remembered them being on earlier. The reason it took so long for anyone to come was when they looked out to see what all the racket was about they couldn’t see anything because the spot lights blinded them and the wospos had started his truck and it was loud. With the truck running and parked so close to the patio entrance the sound didn’t travel like it would have normally.

I told the cops but they never even went and talked to the neighbors. I thought it was just a coincidence, could he have planned to blind people with his spot lights? a week and half in advance of an unexpected fight?

When he came home with contact lens and made a big deal about trying to get me to put them in his eyes for him because he couldn’t do it himself. I didn’t like him without his glasses on anyway and I sure didn’t want to be putting my fingers in his eyes. I thought why bother if it is such a big problem for him, I had told him I liked him better with glasses and he was the last person who should have contacts. He was a mechanic who always had dirty hands, working in dust is the worst thing for contact wearers. He was not careful with his stuff and contacts have to be kept sterile. It made no sense to me at all.

But after the fight when my son and I were locked in the trailer I heard wospos out on the patio talking to himself. I looked out and he was crawling around on his hands and knees mumbling, “My glasses, I can’t find my glasses.” and feeling the patio with his hands like a blind man. My gut instinct was that it was an act. It wasn’t until over a year later that I found what I thought were his glasses on the fridge. The contacts were long gone, he had never asked me to put them in again, so how did he manage to leave the house without his glasses? he was blind without them. I took them down and realized there was plain glass and not prescription lens in them and my mind flashed back to the picture of him crawling around on the patio. Could he have been that evil to plan it in such detail that he would anticipate losing his glasses in the fight so he wore contacts and phony glasses so he would have the advantage?

It was 9 years later when his son was living with us that he came out of the bedroom angry with his son wearing his cowboy boots and kicked the kid right in the ass with the toe of his boot. He even remarked to me that the kid must be pretty tough because he didn’t say a word and didn’t stop walking. I thought maybe he didn’t kick him that hard but I flashed back to the night years prior and wondered if those were his fighting boots.

And later when he cried and begged me back, admitted fault and pleaded for one last 2nd chance I didn’t think it was because he was planning on altering my statement to crown counsel about the attack. He moved in with me and everything seemed great and then one day I came home from school and he had packed up everything he owned and some of my stuff and was ready to pull away when I got home from school early. I would have walked in and discovered he was gone. It wasn’t until years later that I was looking for some paper to write on and found old papers that had photo copies on them and discovered he had changed my statement and photocopied my signature on the bottom. then it made sense why he left so quickly. He had accomplished what he set out to do. No……… could someone actually plan that, cry real tears, admit fault and not mean a word of it? I had never heard of a narcissist and psychopaths were in the movies, not in my bed.

And each and every episode of our relationship was like that, always behind the scenes subplots going on, smoke screens, slight of hand, gas lighting. There is no way you can write about it in 2000 words. My God there aren’t the words to describe the horror you feel when you realize the truth. My mind still battles it.

Someone commented about forgiveness today and said that I needed to forgive my ex and I argue that I don’t know how you forgive someone for bringing that kind of terror into your life and then not letting you get on with your life. I forgave many times and I kept my promise to forgive and never bring it up again. But when it is plot after plot, lie after lie, I asked the commenter how many times does a person forgive? and when the abuser keeps trying to ruin your life even after years of no contact how many times do you forgive?

Forgiveness is for when someone accidentally hurts you. I have fallen out of love with men and I was really sorry I hurt them and I hope they forgave me because I certainly did not plan on hurting them. I have had friends share a secret I asked them not to and they felt really bad and I forgave them. I am a forgiving person, in fact I have had some pretty shitty things done to me in my life and I have not held a grudge against anyone. I have forgiven the unforgivable because I know I am not perfect and have needed a person’s forgiveness many times. Like my son forgives me for being with wospos, and I am so thankful for that forgiveness and when I say I am sorry I mean it with every fibre of my being but he didn’t have to forgive me. But I certainly never intended to hurt my son.

Anyway you will find part 1 of my article for Canadian Centre for Victim’s of Violence ….. here.

The Making Of A Victim

I find it rather ironic that society blames the victim of her own abuse when it is society that creates the victim to begin with. 

women place

I am going to be guilty of generalizations in this post, I do know that what I am about to say is not 100% across the board the way all girls are raised, what I am saying is generally this is how are girls are raised. I also realize that men are victims of narcissists and female narcissists cause just as much pain and destruction as their male counterparts, BUT there are many more female victims than male. Recent studies show that in Canada a woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, the leading cause of death in women is domestic homicide, passing cancer and car accidents, every night 3300 women seek out the safety of a woman’s shelter and 200 women are turned away because there isn’t room. 

They say that 4% of the world population are psychopaths, that is only the one’s diagnosed, probably because they did murder someone and are in jail. Psychopath’s do not seek out therapy or admit they have a problem because that would ruin their fun, they don’t want to stop hurting and manipulating people, that is how they feed their sick ego and most of them are highly intelligent and are able to avoid detection their whole life, going from victim to victim leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

What is enabling them to do this? How can such an plague on society continue and most people are totally ignorant it exists and the rest of the world ignores it or blames the victim? There MUST be something wrong with the way society functions, there must be something terribly flawed in the way people think for the leading cause of death in women is allowed to grow and feed off of itself unchecked. 

We teach our children about washing their hands, how to handle chicken so you don’t poison yourself, wear a helmet when you ride a bike, don’t smoke, don’t drink and drive, don’t run with scissors in your hand, wear your life jacket, you get searched at airports for weapons, and yet we don’t teach our youth about narcissists, we don’t give our children the weapons they need to detect and defend themselves from this toxic scourge on society – knowledge and self respect.

Society really needs to look at why women in abusive relationship are confused about whether they are being abused or not. It is alarming to me that 90% of women in abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused!! that figure is a guesstimation on my part but if you look back on the comments of women who come in here you will find most women’s first comments are something like, “Thank God I am not crazy!”, “Finally, I know what was happening to me”, “I thought I was alone”.

women and men

Could it be that we give our girls mixed messages their whole life, at home, at school, on tv, in video games, in movies, fashion, politics, sports? We give young people the mixed messages that a woman is the “fairer” sex, they are supposed to be “ladylike”, nurturing, giving, forgiving, martyrs, and yet tell them they can be anything they want to be, can do it on their own, succeed in a “man’s world” but deny them the tools to accomplish it. We criticize women for the exact traits we expect men to possess in order to succeed. As this video shows so well, mainstream media portray women as objects to be owned and abused, powerless, reliant on their beauty to get by.

We teach our boys teamwork through sports etc, if you watch guys in the bar they are slapping each other on the back, they help each other get the girl, most guys will not put the make on his buddy’s woman. If a guy approaches a woman in a bar and she tells him she is not interested he won’t back off, he won’t take no for an answer and will think he just has to wear her down, buy her another drink, compliment her a bit more, and he will eventually get the prize (get her into bed). But if the woman’s boyfriend walks up the guy will apologize all over himself for hitting on the guys woman. Most men have loyalty to their gender. It isn’t called the “Old Boy’s Club” for nothing.

On the other hand women will walk right over top of a girlfriend in her stiletto heels to get to the man. A man acts interested and the girl forgets she has friends with her, if a guy compliments her, tells her she is better than his girlfriend she will soak up the flattery, and feel superior to the other woman, even if secretly. Why? Because we teach our girls that they are in competition against each other for the prize (the man because they are nothing without a man) through beauty contests, advertisements, and TV shows.

Identical traits in women and men are described in totally opposite terms.

Men who are called successful are go getters, strong, intelligent, respected, hard working

Women with the same traits are pushy, overbearing, show offs, rude, abrasive, loud, is neglecting her duties

 

How can we expect women to stand up and say, “I demand respect” when we don’t show her women doing that?

Men demand respect,and make no apologies for doing so, it is expected of them

Women ASK for respect. Please don’t screw around on me, please be honest with me, please care about my feelings. Sorry I snooped and caught you cheating, I am sorry I got angry and raised my voice, If only I could say it the right way he would understand. 

We should not be surprised women take a subservient role and don’t demand respect when we don’t teach them it is acceptable to demand respect and equality. 

I think society, women mostly,

need to teach by example and if they have been abused they need to stand strong and united, break the silence and shame that surrounds the victim’s of abuse and shame the abusers. The strongest tool the narcissist has to destroy his victim is silence. Silence is the enabler, the lie he hides behind, the shaming of the victim, it gives society the right to look the other way. 

Exposing the abuse forces society to acknowledge the problem and that is the first step to stopping it.

 

 

Grief and Forgiveness from Divorce Minister

 

After my post today I read this post from the divorce minister and I thought it complimented a lot of what I was saying today and have said many times in the past.

The narcissist expects immediate forgiveness and to be totally absolved of any crime he committed and demands he not be held accountable or have to prove himself in any way. The victim is expected to forgive and go on like nothing happened, no questions, no anger, no tears or suspicion,………. as James said to me, “I came clean, now you have to let it go because you are driving a wedge between us.” All the while living with another woman when he was out of the province.

I was just reading an article about a celebrity couple who are probably getting a divorce because of his infidelity, the article stated that when the woman found out she trashed the house, punched holes in the walls, throw the wedding photos in the pool and flushed her wedding ring and then she kicked him out of the house. I laughed because if that had been James there is no way on God’s green earth I would have gotten away with that kind of reaction. I would have been punched or choked for one thing, and like hell would he ever leave if I told him to. He would have called me a crazy psycho who drove him to screw around and he has had enough of my shit and this is exactly why he doesn’t think it will ever work because I have a warped view of the world and he can not live with my antics any more. He would have walked away from me and refused to discuss it until I calmed down and it would never get discussed because if I brought it up later he would accuse me of living in the past. 

Grief and Forgiveness

“My soul refused to be comforted.” – Psalm 77:2b (NASB).

“‘For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.’” – Jesus (Matthew 6:14-15, NASB).

I suspect that most Christian survivors of adultery have been told that they have to forgive their cheating spouses. A well-meaning pastor likely told them this as soon as the adultery came to light and anger appeared in the faithful spouse’s voice. Or, perhaps, the adulterer/adulteress led the charge in reminding the faithful spouse of the command I just quoted above from Jesus?

 

Regardless of who reminded the faithful spouse of this Scriptural mandate to forgive, I feel it is important to make a few comments and unpack the complexities surrounding forgiveness after adultery.

Click here to read the full article