Tag Archives: Freebies

Knowing When To Fold Them

There is an old Kenny Rogers song that goes something like this:

“You gotta know when to hold ’em
know when to fold them
know when to walk away
and know when to run
Don’t count your blessings
while you’re sittin’ at the table
there’ll be time enough for countin’
when the dealin’ done.”

My apologies if I didn’t get it exactly right; its been alot of years since I heard that song but it has been playing in my head lately.

Hal really pissed me off the other day and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I hate, I mean really hate, being dependent on anyone, so really did not want to accept more money from Jim to get home that night.

It burns my butt to not be totally self sufficient and I can hear JC’s voice ringing in my ears,”See?! I told you you couldn’t make it on your own, I told you someday you’d realize all I did for you”.
But he was wrong, I see all the things he did to me not what he did for me.

When Hal started accusing me of avoiding him, demanding to know how much I was getting for the truck, and talking over me when I was talking and then getting angry with me for not shutting up and saying I was talking over him. I found myself getting frustrated because he was twisting my words and refusing to understand what I was saying. Then it hit me; I don’t have to put up with this any more from anyone, ever again. I know what is fair, I know what is right, and I know when I am being played for a sucker.

I was frustrated, crying and angry but I took control of the situation.  I know he is bad mouthing me and you know what? I really don’t give a shit, I don’t have time for that kind of highschool bullshit. Yeah he’s got $350 of my hard earned money and I got the “shaft” (excuse the pun I couldn’t resist) Like I said to Hal that night, “If I wanted to get screwed over I would have called JC.  I don’t need to go looking for assholes. You knew the position I was in financially and you took advantage of it. I am done with you. You have nothing  to say that I want to hear and I have nothing I want to say to you.” Sure I sat in a parking lot in Langley crying my eyes out, sobbing to the dogs about how unfair life is and asking them ,”what do I do now?”

Then I saw the dumpster behind me and thought, “Nothing like digging in a dumpster to take a girl’s mind off her troubles.” I got a really nice vase, a tall one, you know they’re about 2 & 1/2 feet tall? the kind that sits on the floor with tall grasses in it. It has a $60 price tag on it and I can’t find a thing wrong with it. I also found the cutest Halloween decoration, a Styrofoam pumpkin head with a top hat that just needs a bit of glue, priced at $25. Three nice sweat shirts, 3 cardigans; a white one, blue one and a black one and they all fit me. A few blouses and a dress and jacket in an oriental design I haven’t tried on yet. I also got some really nice smelling vanilla hand soap in a pretty clear glass pump dispenser that I gave to my girl friend and she loves,  she also picked out a glass flower ornament that she liked.

When Jim called to say he was in Langley I was already asleep with my head on Laila, one good thing about really bad times; you know a night sleeping in the truck isn’t going to kill you. The worst thing that happens is you don’t have a toothbrush in the morning, your contacts are stuck to your eyes because you slept with them in and you kinda look like a raccoon because your mascara is smudged.

Sure I fell into a depression the next day and wasted most of the day feeling sorry for myself and when every one told me I should have called the cops and when the guy who wanted to buy it offered me $400 and said he had a tow truck waiting to pick it up I told everyone, “I can’t talk about it right now, I can’t make a decision right now, I will have to get back to you.” and I weighed my options.

I call the police;
I know Hal is an N and I know he’s probably already done damage control, I have a 50/50 chance the police will even listen to me, I have nothing in writing and neither does he so it will be a he said/she said scenario and the cops probably can’t do anything and will tell me to take him to small claims. It would prolong dealing with an asshole and I really don’t need that in my life.

As it is Hal has cost me $850 ($350 I paid him, $300 I lost in the sale of my truck, and at least $200 I would have made on the job in Port Moody I missed and someone else picked up) Plus I’ve wasted more hours on that man than can be calculated because he is always late and if I hadn’t bought the other truck I wouldn’t have been royally screwed because he took so long fixing my GMC and I wouldn’t have had any way to make money to pay him.  I shudder to think about it and it makes me really angry but do I want to waste any more time on the asshole? Do I want him in my life in any way? No!!

Some times doing nothing is really doing the best thing. I don’t want to feed Hal’s need for attention through conflict.

So if I am not calling the cops my other option is to find a driveshaft, buy it and install it myself but that means I have to sit on the phone trying to track one down. Not having phone reception where I live means I will be cutting into time I could be using to make money. I need to make money because I am dead in the water without it.

So like the song says, “I decided to fold and walk away.”
I called the buyer and told him I can’t accept $400 could he do $500? He said he’d ask his son; yes they would go $500. He got a tow truck to pick it up and take it to his place. I said I have to work to make enough money to buy fuel to get the registration to him and he said not a problem. I did a few pickups that I missed last week when my truck was down, now there was even more. So I had a good money making day and got $279 for 3 hours work.

I called Jim and said I’d have his $550 by the end of the day. He said not to leave myself short, he would be happy with $300. I said I wanted to at least pay the $400 he lent me to buy the 1974 Chev. I also owed my girlfriend $100 and wanted to pay her.

So yesterday I was able to buy a jug of oil for the truck, a new pair of work gloves, stock my cupboards with groceries and dog food, and even bought myself a pair of cowboy boots at Value Village for $20. ( For whatever reason wearing cowboy boots makes me feel more confident, when I was still with JC he told me that when I wore my cowboy boots I had an air of confidence about me, that can’t be a bad thing)

Now that I have walked away from the table what are my blessings?
1. I handled it, I didn’t let the bastard intimidate me, I didn’t feed his sick need for drama and attention and walked away with my head held high.
2. The guy who bought the truck got a good deal and I was out $350. Oh well, I really like the guy who bought the truck and guess what! he owns dump trucks and rebuilds antique cars; what does that means? he has scrap! and he is going to call me to come pick up within the next week.
3. I could have spent all day
looking for a driveshaft and then gotten frustrated trying to put it in and possibly had to deal with Hal again today and wasted another day I could have been working. Instead I made almost as much as I lost ($25 less) big deal and today it is all ancient history; I can close that page and move on. It was 10:30 by the time I got to Jim last night but I paid him for the truck and that felt wonderful!!!
I paid my girlfriend and by midnight I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a ice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating a turkey tv dinner.

With that out of the way I can focus on getting my butt out of this trailer and I have a few ideas about how to do it. I’m quite excited about one idea but will save that for another post.

Once I am out of here and have an internet connection I have a new career idea I am excited about and could put all my experiences over the past 12 years to good use. But that is a post of it’s own also.

So that’s all folks!
Like my blog says; Playing with the cards I’m dealt, the best I can. This time I decided to fold and walk away. Next time? who knows; I guess we’ll see what I get dealt in the next hand.

Hugs to you all.
off to work I go……hi ho hi ho.

(written Tuesday morning and posted on Wednesday)

Advertisements

Poverty Is For “Other” People

Why don’t they get a job? You would never be caught dead begging for money or digging in someone else’s garbage. Don’t they have any pride?

That’s what most people are thinking even if they don’t say it out loud; and some do. Every where you look there are pan-handlers jockeying for position at the most lucrative intersection or the prime location; outside the liquor store. You can’t drive down a back alley without seeing someone climbing into a dumpster or someone pushing a shopping cart full of their possessions. It has become so common place you hardly take notice any more.

Why don’t they get a job?

They must be drug addicts or alcoholics, or maybe they have a mental problem; certainly they don’t have an education, children, or job skills.

These people couldn’t have been YOUR neighbor a few years ago, their kids couldn’t have been over at your house playing not that long ago. You don’t know anyone who would be reduced to begging for money, do you? Well, IF you did know someone in that position they got there by their own doing, they must have made poor choices; you know YOU would never be that desperate. It could never happen to you, could it?

What ever did happen to that nice young couple that lived next door? Such a shame their house got foreclosed on and they moved away; they were good neighbors, hard working, always friendly, they’d watch the house when you went away and such cute little ones; remember when the first one was born, all the neighbors got together and had a baby shower? Nice little family………wonder what ever happened to them. Well, you know how it is` every one is so busy these days; you promised to keep in touch, take the kids once in a while but just never got around to it. I’m sure they’re doing fine, they were young, they’ll recoup¤

Or when the company you work for was down sizing, what a shame “Stan” was laid off only 10 years from retirement, just when the kids were finished school and oh yeah, their daughter was getting married, that’s right and then they were going to concentrate on saving for retirement. Stan had 10 years to really sock it away, too bad……wonder what ever happened to good old Stan….he must have gotten a job somewhere by now.

What about the woman you always talked to when you both went to pick up your kids from school, she showed up looking like she’d been really crying a few times and kept to herself mostly but you and her had a few good chats, she was really nice and had a pretty smile. Then one day she wasn’t there any more, her kids had switched schools, then they came back but you never saw her again. You asked about her and heard she was in an abusive relationship and she finally left the asshole, good for her! She must be doing so much better without him, she must be happy now, just her and the kids without him beating her down emotionally and physically. Good for her she finally left.

That nice young couple? After they lost their house and moved into a rental, he was laid off from the job he’d had for 6 years at the mill and has been getting work off and on ever since, she is working two part time jobs, one at a big box store and the other one at a bank, she gets 20 hours a week from each place which means she doesn’t get benefits or her stat holidays paid and sometimes works 16 hours in a day because she gets scheduled at both places on the same day. They try to schedule their shifts so one of them is home for the kids because day care is so expensive and it’s hard to find a day care that will take kids for a few hours, they want full time children because they are only allowed so many children at one time and can’t keep a slot open for a few hours.

After the stores close he goes out dumpster diving, often times he finds things he can repair and resell at the flea market, sometimes he finds toys for the kids, or even food, he doesn’t make a whole lot of money but it is what keeps their heads barely above water and food on the table. They fight a lot these days, the stress is getting to them; the kids have started to have behaviour problems and the oldest one started school but hates it because some of the other kids saw their dad dumpster diving and now tease them at school.

Times are tough for everyone, I’m sure they’ll get back on their feet if they just work hard. Right?

Good ol’ Stan, didn’t you know?
He’s a greeter at WalMart, you know the guy who gets you a shopping cart, smiles and says “Hi” when you walk in.

He got unemployment benefits for a year and then they had to start using the little bit of severance package he got because you can’t collect welfare if you have any money and they had to sell one of the cars because welfare won’t pay if you own two cars over a certain value. It was so degrading for Stan to go into welfare, paid into it his whole life, always worked, and he was treated like a second class citizen when he finally got up the courage to go in because they can’t afford to pay for his heart medication on the little bit they make. He was choking back tears when he left the office. He sure didn’t ever think he’d be asking for a hand out, he believed if a person worked hard they would be ok. Everything they had Stan had worked damn hard for but they remortgaged the house for their daughter’s wedding while Stan still had a job and now they were afraid they are going to lose the house. Forty years Stan worked, raised his family, was a good provider, his wife had worked once the kids got into school and she has gotten a part time job now at a grocery chain store and often works until midnight. It bothers Stan that this is the time of their life they should be enjoying each other, kids out of the house, they’ve done their time, they struggled and they did it side by side; always looking forward to this day. He’s been looking for a good paying job but now a days every one hires over the internet and Stan never even had a resume in his life, he walked into places, asked to speak to the manager and walked out with a handshake and “You start Monday.” Now you don’t even see a person plus they look at his resume and see that he is almost 60, the companies he has talked to say he is over qualified, he tells them he doesn’t mind starting at the bottom but they don’t call back, so here he is at WalMart, putting a smile on his face and handing you your shopping cart.

The woman who left the abusive relationship? Well she isn’t doing so well, her ex husband decided to make her life hell and went for custody of the kids and won, she didn’t have money for a lawyer and he lied about her and got people to back his lies. Losing the kids almost killed her, she could barely function for almost a year and it breaks her heart that she lives in a one bedroom apartment in a bad area and she can’t provide a nice place for the kids to come and visit. They say it is ok they love her but she knows at their dad’s they have everything all the other kids have and even if they don’t say it she feels they are ashamed of her. She was with her ex for 10 years, she had a job but he wanted her to quit when the kids were born. She didn’t mind being home raising them, her husband had a good paying job and even though she had to account for every penny he gave her and never had money of her own; he gave her enough to keep the house and the kids looking presentable. As the years went by though he got more and more abusive and controlling, it seemed he was never happy no matter what she did and she was always walking on egg shells. Sometimes she could feel the tension in him building and she knew she was going to get hit. She would try to not react when he pushed her buttons but eventually he would blow and she would get punched in the head and told he’d had enough and wanted her out.

He did it one too many times and one day while he was at work she packed up the kids and her clothes and left, with no money, nothing. He tried to get her to come back, put on the “I’m so sorry, it will never happen again” routine she’d heard so many times in the past, but she was strong this time, she was determined.

He got reinvolved almost immediately and told every one that she was crazy and he’d suffered through years of hell with her and now he’d found a woman that understood him and appreciated him. He moved the woman into their house, just slid the new woman right into her role as his wife and the woman is so cocky and rude to her; she must believe his lies too. Sure someday after a lengthy court battle she should get ½ of the house but she can’t afford a lawyer and he’s got the best; besides she doesn’t think she has the strength to keep fighting him.

Maybe he was right; maybe she is nothing without him.

She is getting welfare, which barely covers her rent and food from the food bank but having the kids come and stay always put her behind financially and the hydro is going to be cut off today; so she puts on her coat and heads out in the rain to ask for spare change at the liquor store.

Hopefully she’ll make enough to keep hydro off her back for another week. It’s getting harder and harder to believe she is better off, maybe getting hit once in a while wasn’t so bad after all.

You don’t know anyone who begs for money or digs in other people’s garbage, it’s not your problem. Whose problem is it?

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

I’ve “Grinned, Beared It, and Been Thankful

I have really tried lately to see the brighter side of things, to be thankful for the blessings and not dwell on the problems. I have tried to “go with the flow” and not expect things to be done in my time frame and adapt my schedule and life to suit what was happening around me.

I have stopped to appreciate a sunset, listened to the birds chirping away in the morning, soaked in the beauty of the distant snow capped mountains, taken the time to help someone in need, and tried to generally let shit roll off me.
My thankfulness is being tested. We all know my U-joint was going on my truck. I had bought the Haynes Manual for my year and make truck, I’d bought the part I needed again. (The one JC sold me a few months ago for $50 was the wrong one and I got a brand new one for $26 at Lordco) I was planning on doing the job myself weekend before last.

On Thursday a fellow scrap hauler asked if I would take a job he had picking up at Canadian Tire in North Vancouver. It is a lot out of my way but he said I would make a couple hundred on it for sure; he just couldn’t fit it into his schedule. I asked what time I had to be there and he said any time. I was a little bit later than I had planned because I stopped at a regular customer’s and they were just finishing a huge clean up of his shop. He didn’t have my phone number and had already gotten rid of two bins of scrap. Now instead of being upset about the scrap I missed (all week I had felt I should stop in there but had been too busy) I was thankful for what scrap I did get. The guy helped me dig it out of the mud. When I got to North Vancouver they had already given the scrap to someone else. She said that the guy who gave me the job never said for sure he could come and she’d run into this other guy that said for sure he’d be there so she went with him.

Great! I just blew $50 in fuel to turn around and go back in rush hour traffic. It was stop and start bumper to bumper all the way and my rear end was clunking every time I stopped and started. I had two bridges getting there and two bridges leaving and I just prayed my rear end held together on the. bridges.

I made it over them both and looked at my watch, I hadn’t made not bad a time; it was only 3:30 so I had plenty of time to get to Amix. Not enough time to pick up any where else but at least I had a small load on and with some luck might make a couple hundred.

It was the hottest day so far this year and the dogs were hating it and fussy because the sun was on them.

Just as I was coming up to a main intersection on one of the main arterial roads in Surrey, 108th, there was a horrible crash, then grinding and I knew what had happened; my drive shaft had fallen off.

I got out looked under the truck and yep that’s what happened. Did I get upset? Nope, I thanked God it didn’t happen on one of the bridges; then I flagged the cars behind me to go around.

I come prepared so I threw on my safety vest, popped my hood to show I was broken down and got my safety cones out. I placed 6 safety cones out showing the lane was closed and got back in the truck. (My 4-ways don’t work properly) I started down my business cards calling for some one to pull me off the road or to come get my load and take it in for me before Amix closed because I was going to need money for sure.

No one could help, every tow truck I called was in another town or heading out of town. It was 4:00 in the afternoon on the first sunny day of the year, a Friday; the odds were not in my favor.

I heard brakes squealing and looked through the passenger window just in time to see an oriental lady flip me the bird. I didn’t feel her hit me but her car sure sounded like it had something dragging. After she passed me she had to pull over to extricate the cone that was stuck in the under carriage of her car. As the guy who was behind her drove past me he said, “I guess she didn’t see the cones.” And laughed.

People were insane!! I knew there was going to be an accident.

I came across Hal’s number; he had offered several times to get me parts or fix my truck and I’d never taken him up on it and I thought he had a tow truck; if nothing else I was hoping he could take the dogs for me. I knew he liked them because he had wanted Laila. I called him but he was busy but gave me a few numbers to try and said to call him back if didn’t have any luck. I was only a block from a gas station where I often fuel up so I thought I’d walk the dogs down there for a drink and see if they could help me. It was no easy task getting the dogs safely out of the truck on this busy road but I managed.

By now it was 4:45 and they were shutting the garage down at 5 so they were no help. I was heading back to the truck when a woman pulled into the driveway in front of me and said, “I’ve been looking for you, Hal sent me to come get the dogs” she then introduced herself as Hal’s wife. Thank you God!

Now I didn’t have to worry about the dogs. I put them in the air conditioned van and off they went. She asked if there was anything she should know and I said to keep them away from other dogs and they’d be fine.

I have a traffic sign with “slow” on one side and “stop” on the other so I gave up my search for a rescuer and went out to direct traffic. No word of a lie, with cones, a reflective vest, and a sign I still had to jump out of the way of at least 6 cars who didn’t see me.

After an hour of playing dodge ball with the traffic I decided to hell with it and went back to my truck. Hal called and said he had found a tow truck and would be there within the hour and his son would be able to fix my truck. Bonus!

Some lady had pulled right up to my bumper and was honking; she sat there through two traffic lights honking. I was 3 car lengths from the intersection, my hood was up, she had the last of my cones under her car and I figured if she was too stupid to pull into the other lane and go around me she could honk all she wanted. But when she started to honk when the light turned green for the 3rd time I couldn’t contain myself and laid on my horn. THEN she pulled around me and flipped me the bird and called me a bitch.

My good Lord!! And she drove off dragging my last cone under her car!! She got stopped at a red light right in front of me and I was tempted to go rip a strip off of her but thought better of it.

Some day I am going to stop in the middle of the road and sit there until I have a dozen cars behind me honking then I’ll get out and go, “Oh!! Do you want me to move?? Why didn’t you say so?” And then drive away.

What do people think? I parked there just to piss them off? If I had a choice would I choose to park in the middle of the road in rush hour on a hot day?

To the nasty lady: let me give you a tip; If a car sits through 3 lights without moving and you’ve been honking the whole time maybe you should get out and make sure they’re alive!!

Hal got there with the tow truck and got me off the road.
It cost $100 and I had $140 and I was thankful I had enough to pay for the tow truck. I was thankful Hal showed up, and when two of the tow trucks I had called earlier to make sure I wasn’t still sitting there I was thankful for my fellow scrap haulers who cared if I was ok.

To be continued:

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Stuff I Got For Free Lately

This is a bike rack off of a city bus, it needs a clip replaced but it should be an easy fix

This is a bike rack off of a city bus, it needs a clip replaced but it should be an easy fix

these guitars were made in the 70's by the same company that made Guild and Martin guitars.

these guitars were made in the 70’s by the same company that made Guild and Martin guitars.

They were sued & had to stop production. I have no idea the value, they say if u have 1 to keep it.

They were sued & had to stop production. I have no idea the value, they say if u have 1 to keep it.

priced at $99.99 at Home Depot

priced at $99.99 at Home Depot

It needed a power plug and works great and has a setting so it flashes

It needed a power plug and works great and has a setting so it flashes

good for a home shop for air tools value maybe $40

good for a home shop for air tools value maybe $40

New step ladders just missing rubber end on one leg

New step ladders just missing rubber end on one leg

They would be for a lady or young person; clubs are used the bag is new

They would be for a lady or young person; clubs are used the bag is new

A leaf bowl valued at $35, needed the edge glued in one spot

A leaf bowl valued at $35, needed the edge glued in one spot

pick it up during spring clean up, needed on screw.

pick it up during spring clean up, needed on screw.

picked up during spring clean up, I just touched up the black paint in a few spots

picked up during spring clean up, I just touched up the black paint in a few spots

I can't figure out what is wrong with it, it doesn't even look like it's been used

I can’t figure out what is wrong with it, it doesn’t even look like it’s been used

I am keeping the vacuumn

I am keeping the vacuumn

Hamilton Beach electric grill

Hamilton Beach electric grill

I have been using this none stop, take the pot off and there is a griddle under it for pancakes etc.

I have been using this none stop, take the pot off and there is a griddle under it for pancakes etc.

I have kept the best ones, some really expensive european makes.

I have kept the best ones, some really expensive european makes.

I've been wanting a wardrobe from Ikea for a couple of years. now to get a place to put it in.

I’ve been wanting a wardrobe from Ikea for a couple of years. now to get a place to put it in.

i just cleaned it up and its a cute little country bird feeder

i just cleaned it up and its a cute little country bird feeder

I got 3 of them

I got 3 of them

I cleaned them up, gave them a shot of black paint and they look great. x3

I cleaned them up, gave them a shot of black paint and they look great. x3

I got the two wood bins from the Pier 1 dumpster i love them

I got the two wood bins from the Pier 1 dumpster i love them

I got this one out of the Bombay dumpster, it needed a little stain in a few spots

I got this one out of the Bombay dumpster, it needed a little stain in a few spots

this is going to my grand daughter, i am jut going to change the material

this is going to my grand daughter, i am jut going to change the material

I have to clean it up yet but i think it's pretty cool

I have to clean it up yet but i think it’s pretty cool

I don’t spend a lot of time looking for stuff, maybe one or twice a month I’ll hit my favorite dumpsters on the way home. I almost always get something from Home Sense, Bombay or Pier 1 Imports.

They need a little fixing but usually not much and then I can sell them at the flea market or keep it if I can’t bring myself to part with it.

Spring clean-up is always lots of fun and a real treasure hunt; I haven’t shown you near all the stuff I got this year. I focused on camping supplies this year in hopes of selling it at the flea market.

I love the adventure of never knowing what you’ll find, being able to fix it and make it useful is rewarding and hey! It keeps it out of the landfills.

I really get a sense of accomplishment salvaging “garbage”. I am continually amazed at what people throw away.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Situation

This is the house I was offered but turned down because it was too far out.

This is the house I was offered but turned down because it was too far out.

This is where I am you can see the end of the trailer sticking out of the lean to behind the barn.

This is where I am you can see the end of the trailer sticking out of the lean to behind the barn.

I have lived in some real hell holes with James and always tried to make the best of a bad situation. I have turned absolute slums into homes, I have put gardens in a gravel pit and lived without hot water or toilets, and I have lived with rats and mice, I have lived places no one should ever have to live because I was with James. I am not one to feel sorry for myself for long and always adapt and make the best of it; sometimes I don’t think that is a good trait; sometimes that works to my detriment because before you know it you are stuck in that situation with no way out. This is one of those times; if I don’t get out of here soon I will be stuck and I will lose any progress I’ve made over the last year; I will lose my business and the worst of all; I am losing all hope. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The trailer is nice enough, a lovely holiday trailer; I am sure there have been many fantastic holidays had in this trailer. It is clean, has a bedroom in the 5th wheel part, a kitchen with good size fridge and a bathroom with a tub. But it is not meant to be lived in let alone with two dogs. I can not deny it is better than sleep in my truck by a long shot. I am not ungrateful and appreciate the effort Jim made getting the trailer and letting me use it but some times a helping hand can be a person’s down fall also, I just don’t see any other options; yet to stay here prevents me from ever finding another option.

It is bad enough that there is no running water, NO water, except what I collect in a bucket when it rains and there has been plenty of rain! There is no sewer so I am not supposed to be using the bathroom but I have been, I may be adaptable and lived in less than ideal situations but I am not about to do my thing out in the fields.

I could probably even adapt to that, I’ve been buying water to drink and washing with the rain water; it’s the no phone service and the fact that I am so far out in the country that kills me. If I were to have another heart attack I would die, plain and simple; I have no phone service and when I park my truck I have to unplug the battery so it doesn’t go dead. Then my starter is going so often times I have to crawl under the truck and bang on the starter several times before it will start. My drivers door doesn’t stay closed unless I close it from the outside; lifting the door as I close it and then hip checking it. I then have to crawl through the window to get in; I can just see me trying to do all that while in the middle of a heart attack or while being attack by some guy or rabid coyotes or some coyotes and some rabid guy. THEN we have the twisty mountain road that is totally unlit and unmarked and once you are down the mountain you still have a half hour drive to the hospital.

I have power and a microwave to cook with. I also heat water in the microwave. The power comes from the barn I am parked beside, the first night Denise and I were here we had a portable heater on (it is always freezing in the trailer even with the heater on, I don’t know why because it isn’t a big trailer you’d think it would warm up quickly but I wear my coat inside) and were microwaving water to wash with and we blew the circuit breaker. Even with the two of us we were too scared to go out to the barn at midnight to flip the switch so we just froze all night. Denise didn’t sleep at all because she could hear the coyotes outside the door all night. I have to watch Kato like a hawk because any chance he gets he wants to take off after whatever it is he smells out there. I know the coyotes have been around the trailer, Kato smells them and I am sure they smell him.

Living up here has added 2 hours to my day in traveling time; at the end of my day it is a 2 hour drive from Amix home and that is a long 2 hours! But not only is it a long drive home it means I must do everything I need to do before going home. I used to go home, change into clean clothes and then go shopping or visit friends; now I can’t do that because I live too far out and can’t afford the fuel plus I don’t have the time to drive up there and turn around and go back down the hill. I have to remember to buy water before I go home, groceries and cigarettes; I haven’t been home before 11 yet. Then there is the problem of eating, when you are away from home that long you have to eat and end up buying dinner out; another expense!

My fuel costs have easily doubled this week, if I stay here I will never save enough to move; this helping hand is keeping me poor but how do I get out of it aside from sleeping in my truck? Which I had to do once this week already. Not just me, but me, Denise and the two dogs. Next post I will tell you how it came to pass that the four of us were huddled in the truck all night.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

My big baby Kato, he watches me packing boxes and must think,”Oh God, where will we end up this time

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for their well wishes and prayers. I really appreciate every one caring so much.

I have tried to type so many posts and they all sound like a pity trip, or blaming others for my situation, or just a bunch of excuses. I don’t like sounding that way, I hate being needy and I hate being a victim.
Unfortunately because of those things I sometimes don’t make the best decisions. In my family appearances mean everything; my mom wants everyone to be happy whether they are or not. Like when they sold my trailer and she emailed me asking what was wrong; aside from the trailer issue. She didn’t connect that selling my trailer to ensure they didn’t miss out on their 8 weeks in Mexico would affect our relationship. When I was living in a rat infested hovel she took me out for lunch and bought me a $20 lipstick. It still seems like such a bizarre thing to do.

When my son called and needed money I couldn’t stand the thought of him being homeless. In my mind a parent should help their kid if they can. I was trying to help him get back on his feet; yes he had gotten himself in the position but he was trying and I had $1000 sitting in the bank. Something in my gut said don’t lend it to him and I made it abundantly clear I needed it back. I had that money sitting there all year and had still paid his cell phone bill for months, paid his child support one month. Sent him $50 here and there and never asked to be paid back but this time I knew; that was my rent money I knew winter is always slow.

I know I have myself to blame for a lot too. I have been fighting depression and not getting out of the house as early as I should. I have been self conscious about my teeth and not approached people to drum up business.

My mom and brother thought I shouldn’t have paid my debts and of course didn’t approve of me lending Kris money and in retrospect I guess they were right because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in.

I shouldn’t have taken Roxy in; that ended up costing me money not making me money like it was supposed to and now I am homeless with 2 dogs. To part with Laila now will break my heart but I can’t see keeping her. I hate to say it or think it but I can’t see keeping Kato either.

I really don’t understand why my life is like this. I am a good person, I do try, I don’t expect a lot, I am a good friend. It hurts that Barb my neighbor is stirring up trouble. Daryl called this morning and he’s ready to come and kick me out physically because she has been telling him lies. Why do people do that? I don’t want to make anyone’s life hell. I don’t expect a free ride. I just wanted to leave my furniture here for a while and she’s got him so worked up now I have to get every thing out today according to her. He said I could leave it here, but I don’t trust Barb and she’s the one who I am to give the key to.

She doesn’t have a life so she has to meddle in everyone else’s. I knew I shouldn’t have moved in here and time after time I thought I should leave but because I was trying to pay off debt I stayed. And I just couldn’t face moving again.
I don’t understand why….. Is this the way a person’s life goes when they are broke? Always dealing with drama? I don’t think I look for it. I mean having a heart attack wasn’t planned. There wasn’t much I could do about having to put a new engine in my truck and the fact that it was a shitty engine and already is on its last legs isn’t really my fault either.

I wish I could stop feeling like a failure and quit blaming myself. I wish I could show everyone how strong I am and yet I can’t seem to make myself move. I can’t call my mom, and I can’t call my kid; I don’t want him to feel guilty.

And that is why it is so important that a woman is self sufficient because right now if JC knocked on the door I’d make myself believe him again just because he would be all I have.

And everyone would be angry and not understand why I went back. Is it so hard to understand? Some times I do think I am crazy. I honestly don’t see what I did so wrong.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.