Tag Archives: Freezing

Heaven on Earth

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth.
One is nearer to God in a garden
Than any place else on earth.

Dorothy Francis Gurney

The above is an exert from a poem by Dorothy Francis Gurney; I used to have a wooden plaque hanging in my garden with that verse on it.

Through the worst times of my life I have found comfort in my garden. When JC and I were at the resort I spent hours tending my garden, crying, praying for answers, praying for strength, praying for my son and my brother, praying to be given one more chance to save my boy, praying for serenity, and sometimes cursing God for giving me too much to handle.

I always came away from my garden feeling calmer, stronger; it was my refuge. It has been for most of my life. When I lived at the lake before I even met JC I would be out there with a flashlight and a glass of wine tending my garden. It seemed the harder the time I was going through the more beautiful my gardens were. Every year I dug up more sod for more flowers. The little English lady that lived across the street and could barely walk made her way across the road slowly with her walker and came up to where I was pulling weeds and she said, ” I want to thank you for your lovely gardens. I look out my window and your gardens take me back to my childhood and the lovely English gardens. You have a loving touch; I’ve watched you. I just wanted you to know you have given this old lady much pleasure with your gardens.” and she shuffled back to her house. I’ll never forget it and of course I cried.

When we were at the resort I couldn’t afford plants but all the neighbour brought over plants and bulbs as they thinned out their gardens, one brought over a filing box with tons of different seeds for me to pick from. It was a tough year emotionally, like I said, I did alot of praying. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had.

Gardening is so community minded, it brings people together, gives them something to talk about. A person can be talking by and feel free to say, “Your garden is lovely”. Or gardeners are always so willing to share plants, advice, and ask questions. Somehow a garden removes fences, class distinction, age, and even gender, gardeners are all on the same team.

I missed my gardens this year, I planted gardens last year and got compliments but I didn’t take the time to enjoy them because I was on borrowed time there and was trying to work as much as possible. This year I did plant some, but lack of water took its toll.

I pray that someday I have a tiny place, nothing fancy, I’m easy to please. 400 sq ft would do me just fine, with a fireplace (there is nothing like coming home from a long walk on a brisk fall day and the house is toasty warm from a crackling fire) There are few things more rewarding than getting up in the morning to a cold house and finding a few red embers still in the wood stove because all that’s necessary is to pull ghetto damper and throw on a few dry pieces of wood and in minutes the house is warm again.
I want a kitchen big enough that I can cook a pot of soup or chilli or maybe a pot roast and have a few friends over to share my fire and a bottle of wine.  lots of windows to let the sun shine in and hang crystals in. And a covered porch to hang wind chimes and a wooden rocking chair so I can sit out there even when it rains. One wall of book shelves for all those books I keep moving with me and some day want to read, but they look good until then. 🙂 I love books.

A place I can paint. A freezer I can fill with baking at Christmas and maybe even some cabbage rolls and tourtierre. A bath tub I can fill with bubble bath and keep adding hot water to until I am pink and wrinkly.

And a tiny yard trimmed with gardens.

And never have to move; just grow old there, Grandma’s house. Where my son and grand daughter can come to visit and know there are cookies in the cookie jar and my son will go to the freezer and grab some frozen cookies and I can give him shit for eating them before Christmas.

That is what I pray for. Not much, nothing fancy; not a knight in shining armor to save me, no trips around the world. Just a little bit of heaven on earth. The sun for pardon, the bbirds song for mirth.

What for you pray for?

This Isn’t Me-But It Is

Hello all, I want to thank you all for your wonderful words of support and well wishes, prayers and concern, I needed them all and still do. I hope I have replied to everyone’s comments, it took me quite a while with not having the internet where I live. I would reply to comment, hit the send button and hope they would send in the middle of the night if and when I got a connection for a minute or two. If I did miss anyone, believe me it is nothing personal, just my life situation right now.

I have started many posts about my life right now and haven’t sent many of them because for one thing I don’t have time. Not having the net at “home” and trying to do it all when I am down the hill is impossible. The dogs end up in the truck far too long and we end up getting home far too late. I end up eating fast food or pizza by the slice because I am famished which is so unhealthy but then last night I made myself a really good supper and was eating at 11 pm and that’s not healthy either.

For the blogs I follow I get an email notifying me of new posts and comments, depending how they have their settings if the post isn’t too long I can read the whole post without needing an internet connection but can’t comment, once again I sometimes comment and hope to God at some point it will send; but I have noticed that many times they time out before they get sent. I am out here reading your posts just unable to comment or “like” them at this time.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you that one day last week I had the most hits on my site ever at a whopping 572! Prior to that my busiest day was 162 hits, it was only for one day, God knows why, and I tell myself that the stats don’t matter but I was thrilled when I got one hit!! And never thought I’d get a hundred in a day let alone over 500. The thing I wonder about is the next day I had 177 hits, so what happened to those 400 hits? Now I know one person can hit a site many times right? But 400?

I try to plan my trips carefully so as not to waste fuel but that is not so easy when you don’t have cell phone service until you get down the hill and listen to messages and return calls. I am all out of clean clothes, no work clothes whatsoever so today I will have to go down to the laundry mat and will try to do some pickups at the same time. It isn’t possible for me to do my laundry during the week; for one thing I have no space on my truck for my clothes and they would get destroyed but once again there is the time issue.

Today I have to hit the bank and cash a cheque and then pay my storage bill. I have to remember to bring water home every night. I actually made a wasted trip into Amix yesterday, a costly mistake and it screwed me up financially for the weekend. I went down the hill thinking I would have more to pick up than what I did, but I ended up with a pretty good load so decided to head in, but traffic was bad and I got there 5 minutes to closing and couldn’t get my whole load off so now I can’t go back today; I don’t have enough on the truck to warrant it but I didn’t get as much money as if I would have waited until today and not gone yesterday at all. I would have saved $50 in fuel, had my full amount for my load to use this weekend and more time. Oh well, I do the best I can that is all I can do. And I actually saw a customer I haven’t seen for awhile and that made the trip well worth it. He is a really nice guy, he always thinks I work so hard and sometimes he has a little stash of copper or brass he gives me. He and I have chatted on occasion and he was always a pretty up kind of person. I don’t know exactly what happened, he told me he got really taken in a business deal and it almost cost him his business. Then with the economy being as bad as it is he’d been extremely stressed and I guess had a breakdown. So when I was talking to him in October he had said he was really struggling with depression and then I haven’t seen him since. When I saw his bay door open I went in and said Hi and asked how he was doing. He skirted the issue, saying he was fine so I just came out and asked, “Last time we were talking you were saying you were really struggling with depression and I have been concerned for you. Are things any better?”

He looked a little uncomfortable and said, “That’s embarrassing, I shouldn’t have been that open with you; I don’t know what came over me.”

I told him there was no need to be embarrassed, I’ve been battling depression myself and understand. He relaxed then and we had a good chat for about 1/2 an hour; even had some laughes. (I do have the ability to find humor in the worst situations when I am out in public and I had him laughing about me trying to drive at night in a torrential rain storm with no windshield wipers and hanging onto my door so it wouldn’t fly open) and really when you think about it; if you were watching my life on a movie screen you’d have to laugh because no one has bad luck like I do. It was great to see him and if fuel didn’t cost me so much I would have thought the day was a success from that interaction alone.

I did pick up a couple of really nice granite counter tops with slight flaws in them for free. I met a local contractor up here that does renovations using materials he barters or trades for and I am hoping he knows someone who can work on my truck and somehow we can do a trade. My truck needs work badly or one of these days I am not going to make it back up the hill and then I am really sunk.

My truck is running really rough, REALLY rough. It needs a tune up and u-joints badly. The running lights and dashboard lights healed themselves and work now after 6 months of them not working. Don’t ask me how or why, they just started to work again and along with the lights my idiot bell that tells you your lights are on started working (rather strange) it never worked before, ever! If only it could give itself a tune-up, then we’d be getting somewhere!! Oh and the driver’s door kinda half assed healed itself. It closes but not tightly so it rattles and bangs a lot especially since the truck is running so rough but at least the door doesn’t fly open when I go around a corner.

It has been unseasonably cold and raining, and raining and raining which I find very depressing at the best of times, I’m a sunshine kinda girl. I used to go to the tanning beds every winter because I would get so depressed and it always helped; of course now I can’t afford tanning. I also started to grow moles all over my body and that was scary so I quit a few years back and now do tanning lotion. I packed all my sweaters because it was supposed to be spring, I didn’t know I’d be up in the mountains and they are so bulky, now I wish I hadn’t because it’s dang cold in this trailer.

The very best part of my day is crawling into bed with my two puppies and snuggling up to their warm furry bodies. Both of them have a “lick fest” at bedtime cleaning themselves, the slurping, sucking, and gnawing can go on for what seems an eternity and then Laila will gently chew on my thumb, licking and chewing, licking and chewing until she falls asleep; like a baby sucking it’s thumb. She is a really sweet little girl; she got me in trouble at BD this week though the little bugger. She loves everyone!! And seeing as BD is mostly fenced I let both dogs off the leash when I am there. Kato doesn’t go into the warehouse unless he is with me but I let Laila off the leash, she saw people going and coming from the warehouse and she was off like a shot!!! Straight into the warehouse, spinning out in the corners, running in circles trying to say Hi to everyone. Forklifts screeched to a stopped, and everyone tried to head her off as I come through the bay door screaming “Laila!” We finally corralled her and I got her leash back on her but I heard from the plant foreman that she just can’t be running amok through the warehouse what with forklifts and such. He was very nice about it and I totally understand, I wish she understood!!! Boy can that little girl MOVE!! She gets her little body close to the ground and makes a B-line for the first person she sees (thinking of course that everyone is as happy to see her as she is them), skids to a stop and starts jumping, she knows she isn’t supposed to jump up on people so she jumps, catches herself and does a ½ flip, lands and jumps again, her little black tongue licking at the air the whole time. Everyone does love her, how could you not? Kato is much too regal and dignified to put on a show like that for affection, he stands back with his tail wagging waiting to be acknowledged.

His limp is getting worse and he really can’t walk far at all, but he still tries to play, those eyes of his are so expressive; as much as I love Laila, he is my buddy and I try to ensure he doesn’t feel left out because Laila is so cute. I have been thinking about it and I think his recent aggression is because he is getting so crippled up and wants to make sure he doesn’t get blindsided or appear weak. I think that is just natural instinct, in nature he would have the younger dogs wanting to fight him, the leader of the pack.

My storage bill comes due on the 6th, my stuff has been in storage for one month, I was going to have a place by now; I was sure I would. I have lost track of days but I think I have been here two weeks now? Or is it 3? And I am no closer to having a place than when I came up here, as I feared the fuel costs are keeping me here. I try to face each day with new optimism but it is increasingly difficult when more than ½ of what I make every day is going for fuel and I can’t save enough to fix the truck OR move. Now in the next week I have my storage bill of $90 and my truck insurance of $135 and my cell bill which is always about $100 to pay so cancel next week, I will be lucky to pull that together. I am between a rock and a hard place. Even if I loved living up here, it isn’t an option, Jim is going to want to put the trailer on his property in a month or so and then I will be right back where I started a year and ½ ago when I left JC. It is only a matter of time before the truck leaves me stuck; either down the hill or here at the trailer, either way it won’t be a good thing.

I know from the years I spent with JC how a month can turn into 6 and 6 months turns into a year and before you know it you are living in conditions that are unliveable. You have adapted yourself right into a corner. I can’t let that happen, I won’t let that happen; but it is, it has.

I hesitate to be honest because I think people are getting sick of my whining but I didn’t start this blog to be popular (did I tell you I had 572 hits in one day last week?) I started it to hopefully show it is possible to survive leaving a narcissist with nothing, and to give people insight into what a victim of domestic abuse goes through. If I am honest I will tell you, this is undoubtedly the worst 2 weeks of my life. I have never felt more defeated and alone ever, I have never felt more hopeless and helpless, I have never resented anyone more than I resent JC because he put me in this position. (ok ok I had something to do with it, I went back to him, I should have left sooner), I know all that, but still had he not messed with my truck, lied to me, hit me, etc etc if he would have just stayed away instead of lying and saying he had 6 months to live and begging me back I would not be here now. I don’t know where I would be because I had to get out of my trailer because my mom and step dad were selling it, but I am sure in wouldn’t be homeless; I was making too much money. And does it really matter why or how I got here, I’m here and the rain is “pissing” down on the tin roof, I am cold, lonely and broke and I am 54 yrs old. I keep thinking, “This is not me. This not who I am.” But it is who I am, not who I was, not who I want to be, but it is who I am and I hate it.

To be honest, for the last week every night and every morning I make the conscience decision to live or die. Driving “home” I think, I can’t do it another night, I am fighting a losing battle; just give up. But I will make it through the night, I will cry so hard and so long, thinking I will run out of tears soon, I have to, and then I will start to heal and things will get better; I exhaust myself and end up snuggling my puppies and going to sleep. In the morning I wake up to the sound of torrential rain, think about how I would love to crawl in a hot shower and can’t, I think about driving around in my beater truck all day with the rain dripping in on me and I think, “I can’t do it”. but I do, and I think about killing myself all day, debating it; it would be selfish, it would hurt Kris, do you want Kris to think that is the answer to problems? What about your granddaughter? She’s two and I still haven’t met her, I don’t even get a text message from the mom telling me if she got the gifts I sent or not, or if the clothes fit. It would fit into JC’s plans perfectly if I killed myself, he’s tried to get me to do it a few times by telling me I might as well because no man would want a paranoid, psycho bitch like me anyway. I would hate to give him what he wants yet I hate to prove his predictions right; that I can’t make it on my own and without him I am nothing; that some day I would realize all he did for me and be sorry.

I have always been resilient, or fairly so; I have often thought, “I can’t do this.” And then find a way but this time I just can’t find a way and I know I am on a dead end road heading straight for disaster. That truck is not going to last.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Situation

This is the house I was offered but turned down because it was too far out.

This is the house I was offered but turned down because it was too far out.

This is where I am you can see the end of the trailer sticking out of the lean to behind the barn.

This is where I am you can see the end of the trailer sticking out of the lean to behind the barn.

I have lived in some real hell holes with James and always tried to make the best of a bad situation. I have turned absolute slums into homes, I have put gardens in a gravel pit and lived without hot water or toilets, and I have lived with rats and mice, I have lived places no one should ever have to live because I was with James. I am not one to feel sorry for myself for long and always adapt and make the best of it; sometimes I don’t think that is a good trait; sometimes that works to my detriment because before you know it you are stuck in that situation with no way out. This is one of those times; if I don’t get out of here soon I will be stuck and I will lose any progress I’ve made over the last year; I will lose my business and the worst of all; I am losing all hope. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The trailer is nice enough, a lovely holiday trailer; I am sure there have been many fantastic holidays had in this trailer. It is clean, has a bedroom in the 5th wheel part, a kitchen with good size fridge and a bathroom with a tub. But it is not meant to be lived in let alone with two dogs. I can not deny it is better than sleep in my truck by a long shot. I am not ungrateful and appreciate the effort Jim made getting the trailer and letting me use it but some times a helping hand can be a person’s down fall also, I just don’t see any other options; yet to stay here prevents me from ever finding another option.

It is bad enough that there is no running water, NO water, except what I collect in a bucket when it rains and there has been plenty of rain! There is no sewer so I am not supposed to be using the bathroom but I have been, I may be adaptable and lived in less than ideal situations but I am not about to do my thing out in the fields.

I could probably even adapt to that, I’ve been buying water to drink and washing with the rain water; it’s the no phone service and the fact that I am so far out in the country that kills me. If I were to have another heart attack I would die, plain and simple; I have no phone service and when I park my truck I have to unplug the battery so it doesn’t go dead. Then my starter is going so often times I have to crawl under the truck and bang on the starter several times before it will start. My drivers door doesn’t stay closed unless I close it from the outside; lifting the door as I close it and then hip checking it. I then have to crawl through the window to get in; I can just see me trying to do all that while in the middle of a heart attack or while being attack by some guy or rabid coyotes or some coyotes and some rabid guy. THEN we have the twisty mountain road that is totally unlit and unmarked and once you are down the mountain you still have a half hour drive to the hospital.

I have power and a microwave to cook with. I also heat water in the microwave. The power comes from the barn I am parked beside, the first night Denise and I were here we had a portable heater on (it is always freezing in the trailer even with the heater on, I don’t know why because it isn’t a big trailer you’d think it would warm up quickly but I wear my coat inside) and were microwaving water to wash with and we blew the circuit breaker. Even with the two of us we were too scared to go out to the barn at midnight to flip the switch so we just froze all night. Denise didn’t sleep at all because she could hear the coyotes outside the door all night. I have to watch Kato like a hawk because any chance he gets he wants to take off after whatever it is he smells out there. I know the coyotes have been around the trailer, Kato smells them and I am sure they smell him.

Living up here has added 2 hours to my day in traveling time; at the end of my day it is a 2 hour drive from Amix home and that is a long 2 hours! But not only is it a long drive home it means I must do everything I need to do before going home. I used to go home, change into clean clothes and then go shopping or visit friends; now I can’t do that because I live too far out and can’t afford the fuel plus I don’t have the time to drive up there and turn around and go back down the hill. I have to remember to buy water before I go home, groceries and cigarettes; I haven’t been home before 11 yet. Then there is the problem of eating, when you are away from home that long you have to eat and end up buying dinner out; another expense!

My fuel costs have easily doubled this week, if I stay here I will never save enough to move; this helping hand is keeping me poor but how do I get out of it aside from sleeping in my truck? Which I had to do once this week already. Not just me, but me, Denise and the two dogs. Next post I will tell you how it came to pass that the four of us were huddled in the truck all night.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.