Tag Archives: gas lighting

I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

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Journaling To Remain Sane

journal

This is a recycled post from over a year ago but I feel it is well worth repeating, especially for those of you who haven’t yet left the relationship and you are suffering from self doubt and the narcissist has you confused and is telling you that you are crazy.

Narcissists are known for using gas lighting to induce confusion and self doubt, anyone involved with someone they suspect is a narcissist should be keeping a journal. Here is the post:

For most of my life I didn’t keep a journal, who has time for journaling? Especially when you have a narcissist stirring up all kinds of drama in your life. I used to think too that my emotions were too raw and there was so much shit going on I didn’t have the energy to write it all out, or I would think, “I’ll write it down tomorrow.” But tomorrow I would forget and then when I did remember I forgot details like exact times or wording.

That is until I realized I HAD to journal or lose my mind OR just give in to James and let him spew his lies.

James always journaled, not every day and there were years he didn’t journal at all but for the majority of our relationship he journaled and his journals were considered gospel, if it was written in his journals it was fact and it was not up for debate.

Admittedly in the beginning I was very naive and thought our relationship would run much like other relationships I had plus we had discussed every aspect of a relationship before moving in together because we (I) wanted to be on the same page with our expectations. I didn’t have a child at home any more, we were going to be two working adults living together; I thought it was wise to discuss some basics so we knew what each expected. In previous relationships I had been the main wage earner, handled the finances, did the yard work, housework and all the cooking and I expected to be more equal partners with James and he agreed wholeheartedly. I like a clean house, that does not mean I LIKE to clean the house, neither did he but we agreed a cleaning woman would be well worth any money it cost us. We also agreed that I never cooked on Friday nights. I have had that rule since I was with my 1st husband in 1980 and never had a man argue. I didn’t think it was out of line. I worked full-time and deserved a night off cooking. I didn’t care if it was crackers and cheese as long as I didn’t have to cook it. Of course he agreed and I had no reason to think he wouldn’t follow through; after all no other man had ever balked.

It took a while but I finally figured out that James’s word was worth zip! and he would change whole conversations to suit his agenda. At first I thought it was just me misunderstanding, or not explaining myself clearly. I would explain again and again he would twist my words or deny ever having the conversation and I started to get frustrated, my voice would get louder and higher pitched and the tears would start. You know how it is when you are trying to explain yourself and someone is twisting your words and just not understanding the simplest things or taking offense to some simple request. He would keep his voice very low and mutter things under his breath and I got louder trying to make my point. Of course I sounded like the psycho bitch, I truly felt I would go insane if I wasn’t already.

He kept track of the finances on Quickbooks on the computer, (it was my computer when we moved in together but soon became “his” and then he passworded it so I couldn’t get on it at all and even if I did get on the computer I was not allowed into Quickbooks). I had never kept track of who owed who what in any of my relationships, we had always pooled funds and paid the bills, if there was money left over we decided what to do with it. If we wanted to buy something we discussed it.

After we were living together finances became our major reason for fighting, mostly because he was always accusing me of spending “his” money on frivolous things and if you were to talk to him now he would tell you he supported me for the whole relationship. I swear sometimes they tell the same lie so many times they believe it themselves. (I worked for most of our relationship and the only time I didn’t work was because he had disabled my vehicle so I couldn’t work.)

I am a fairly frugal person in many ways, I drank wine at that time and a cheap 1L bottle was fine for me and if I had a vehicle I would go and buy my own but when I was stuck at home he would go to the liquor store and buy an expensive bottle of wine that cost as much as 3 of my cheap bottles. I rolled my own cigarettes and he bought them by the carton.  He told my son that my drinking was costing him $1000 a month, of course it was all recorded in Quickbooks, which I had no access to. Until one day he forgot to sign out and I was able to check his figures. His balance in Quickbooks didn’t match what I figured he should have so I started going over the amount and realized he had not recorded one of his paychecks for around $990. How could that be? how could he have missed recording almost a thousand dollars and still show a balance? The more I dug the more I found (the reason why I became such a snoop, I kept finding shit and it was always way worse than anything I had imagined) I realized he hadn’t entered most of his booze receipts, had entered some of mine two and three times, he had charged me $535 for repairs on my Prelude but the bill was for $335. I had been in banking for 11 years and worked in an accounting office for 12 years so I am a bit OCD about things balancing and I spent the whole day “fixing” his mistakes. I went out to his shop and found a ton of booze receipts that he hadn’t recorded and once I got everything entered properly he was in the red so I entered that pay stub and he balanced to what I figured he should have. Needless to say he was not happy I had “helped” him and he made sure to never forget to sign out again. (I was dumb, I was too honest. Whenever I discovered something I would tell him what I had found and I should have kept my mouth shut because then he just hid things better)

It is so foreign to a normal person to spy on their loved one, to not trust them and having to be suspicious of everything they say and do, so a normal person feels guilty, even though they have done nothing wrong. The narc will use that guilt against the victim;

By a show of hands………How many of you have heard your narc say something like, “I can’t believe you don’t believe me! I can’t live with your paranoia.” or  ” I can’t believe you snooped, I thought you were better than that.” or “I am so disappointed in you.” or  “and I trusted you!” and you ended up apologizing for snooping and finding out he’d been lying to you.

It seemed the only thing we argued about was the money, I was upset he didn’t come to bed at night but that hurt my feelings and I usually cried, I didn’t start fights, I hate fights and I always tried to discuss things from a “I feel” perspective (the way they teach you in communicating effectively classes) so the only time we fought was when he got angry about money.

He would demand I hand in receipts for every dime I spent and then lose them. So out of self-preservation I started keeping track of my own spending and when he gave me cash and when I gave him cash. He had this cute little trick where he would get me to pick up his cheque for him and deposit it in the bank and then take out cash and bring it to him. It had two purposes, to keep me busy running errands for him and later he would insist he gave me his whole cheque, and then demand I answer with a yes or no. Well, if I said no, he called me a liar, but if I said yes, it was a lie also because I didn’t keep any of the money. If I tried to explain I brought the cash to him and said, “Yes but……….” he would scream in my face. “I said, yes…..or no……. it’s simple Carrie. What are you trying to hide? YES or NO! did you pick up my pay cheque?” My stomach still gets knots in it when I think about those fights. I would get so frustrated.

He would start in on me about some money I had spent or owed him and I wouldn’t know what he was talking about, he would refer to his “records” and show me his figures which were a total fabrication but I had no way to prove it. OR he handed me an itemized invoice for money he said I owed him from when we started dating.

I had lost my job by then and there was no way for me to pay him the money yet I figured that if I just paid him the money he said I owed I would keep track of my finances better and it would never happen again. So I sold my car and paid him the thousand and something dollars he said I owed (He had already taken possession of my computer and big screen TV for debt he said I owed him.) When I handed him the cash I asked, “Am I paid up now? Do I owe you for anything?” He said no I didn’t owe him anything. I made him repeat it, “Are you sure I don’t owe you any more money?” and he said yes. I was SO relieved, finally that was dealt with and we wouldn’t fight about it any more.

You can imagine my frustration when it wasn’t even two weeks before he was badgering me for money I owed him.

I got one of those Day Planners where each day has its own page  and every day I would record, finances and things like; whether he came home that night, if we had sex, if I cried, if I nagged at him, if he hit me. More than once I was able to go to my Day Planner when I was being accused of; always crying, always being angry, never having sex, and read to him entries like, “JC and I had sex last night, I sure love him I am hopeful this is a sign he is going to try.” or “I haven’t cried for 4 days, JC and I have been getting along.” “I had supper ready and JC didn’t come home all night.” “I bought JC and I supper out.” He hated that. Then he would take my journal and write in his own entries. At one point he destroyed them all so I only have journals from 2006-1010. So be forewarned, he won’t like the fact that you journal and will destroy them if he has a chance.

It didn’t stop the lying though or the fights about what had been said and what I had misunderstood. I remember one time particular after I had sold my car. The wospos had traded his antique 1970 Chev Sprint for a flat deck truck and was hauling scrap cars, he was forever getting perfectly good cars given to him and every single time he would come in all excited and tell me he had brought my new car home. There were several cars I was thrilled with, some of them antiques, some muscle cars but my enthusiasm was quick to fade because I would no sooner register the car in my name, which cost $18 every time; and he would have sold it. A person would think, “Why would he bother to put it in my name if he didn’t intend on giving it to me?”

1. Because it costs $18 every time and he was getting a lot of cars

2. If he registered them there was a paper trail when he did his income taxes

3. There was the delicious bonus of getting my hopes and dashing them again.

The neighbor Chuck who the wospos and I had gotten to know quite well, would laugh when he saw the wospos’s truck coming with a car on it and say, “OH look! JC has brought home your new car!” then stand behind the wospos’s back giggling as he told me this was going to be my new car and I needed to register it.  If I didn’t register it I was told, “Fine, so you don’t get a car.”  So it went for a long time. THEN he came home and said he had just bought me a new car from his buddy Jim (the apath I have talked about in other posts) and we had to go pick it up. I was leery of course and when we got to Jim’s I stayed in the truck. The wospos asked if I wasn’t going to get out and see my new car. I hesitated but then he always said I was so ungrateful I thought I had better act enthusiastic just in case he meant it this time. Jim and his wife came out and we all sat on their patio having a smoke and they both were talking like it was my new car. Jim was selling it to JC for the price he had paid for it because JC had said I needed a good safe car to drive and he knew we were short of money. Could it be? was I really going to finally get my own car to drive? Dare I get excited? I went and looked at it and it needed to be cleaned but it was a cute little car and I made sure to show my gratefulness, kissed JC and gave him a big hug, told Jim and his wife how thrilled I was and I started to relax a bit. I gushed all the way home about how thrilled I was with my new car, how I was going to clean it the minute we got home. The wospos looked at me and said, “Your car? who said it was your car?” I was obviously gutted and he got that grin he used to get when he had pulled off a scam and sucked me in again.

Me, “But you said…..”

Him, “I paid $500 for that car, I bought it to sell it, NOT give it to YOU.”

Me, ” But Jim ….”

Him, “I don’t know where you got the idea it was your car, I never said any such thing.”

Of course I didn’t even have time to record it before he was denying it, so journaling doesn’t always prevent him lying. When it really comes in handy is months later when he changes history to suit his agenda, then you can go back and at least console yourself with the fact that you are not crazy and didn’t imagine events of the past.

It doesn’t have to be detailed, just point form is good enough, but make sure you record dates and times – we can usually remember an event but in a court of law you are going to need to know exact dates and times or else the N will lie his face off and you won’t have a leg to stand on. A judge loves someone who comes to court prepared, it makes his job so much easier and if a judge gets the feeling a person is lying to him; he doesn’t rule in their favor. You’ve watched Judge Judy, someone lying to her pisses her right off.

 

filesI have never been to court with the N but I went for a ticket I got from a Department of Transport officer (on second thought, I am sure he was a narcissist)who didn’t like scrap haulers, especially women scrap haulers and wrote me up for a bunch of bogus charges totally almost $2000. I walked out of the court room with my fines reduced to $200 and the judge gave me a year to pay them, all because I had pictures and the officer didn’t, he didn’t make details notes and I walked in with a file folder full of notes, receipts and character references, I had recorded every time I tried to call the officer and he didn’t call back, I had read the rules and regulations and was able to quote them, but had photo copies in the folder  and the officer was unsure of them. I loved that and said, “You are unsure of the regulations?”
He said, “Well, yeah they changed and they are rather confusing.”
I said,”Do you recall when they changed the regulations?”
He replied two years ago.
Me: “So you are saying that at the time you wrote me the ticket, one year ago you were confused by the regulations?”
The judge looked at him and said,”Answer the lady.”

I asked him if he recalled what he had said to me when I tried to explain why the truck exhaust was loud and he said no he didn’t.

I got my notebook and read, “I don’t want to appear like I don’t care, but I don’t care.”

The judge looked at him and said, ‘You said that?”

DOT officer, “Well yeah, by that time she was crying.”
Judge, “Who was crying?”
I put up my hand and said, “Me your honor.”
Judge looking at the officer, “She was crying?”
DOT officer, “Typical woman, thinks she can turn on the tears and get off.”
I could barely contain myself and had to hold back from yelling, “I rest my case!!”
Judge with a look of disbelief at the DOT officer, “I think I have heard enough.”

Take the 5 minutes at the end of the day, preferably when the N isn’t around and hide your journal so he doesn’t find it; it doesn’t have to be well written, just notes jotted down, dates, times, pertinent remarks, the nights he says he is working late, the phone number you find in a pocket, anything that strikes you as odd, that makes your gut react in some way. When he tells you something that just does not make sense, make note of it and wait, the truth always comes out eventually and then you can go back and check your notes and verify you were right all along.

The N relies on a person’s memory fading with time so even when his lies are exposed it is easier for him to lie his way out of it. It won’t win an argument for you but it WILL verify what you have suspected and you are not crazy or imagining things and make it easier for you to feel justified in leaving his lying ass.

I am not telling you this so you will win fights with the N on a day-to-day basis, that is impossible, I am telling you to journal to save your sanity and hopefully get you out of the relationship before you truly lose your mind.

If you do have to go to court you will have documented evidence of any money you gave him, dates, times, of when he saw other women, dates times and pics of any abuse or material possessions he destroyed.

If you have children you will have recorded any abuse, missed visitation, that sort of thing.

It is so vitally important that you keep all and any evidence such as text messages, voice mails, emails, that sort of thing. Even if they are not particularly nasty, you might need to prove he was contacting you after you told him not to and now he is accusing you of harassing him. You never know what might come in handy.

Do not for a minute fool yourself into thinking you can split from a narcissist amicably, he may say he wants things to be fair and friendly; but remember, there is no such thing as fair with an N.

Besides, what does it hurt to keep a journal? if you never use it in court it just might be the reading material you need to remind yourself how crazy things got, after you leave and you are filled with doubt.

Judgement Day – Why Women Stay

When you hear women’s stories of their relationship with a narcissist and where they are left by the narcissist when the relationship ends you hear the same complaints.

1. They were strong independent women and can’t believe how dependent on the N they’ve become

2. No matter what they had going into the relationship, they are left destitute or fighting for what is rightfully theirs.

3. They feel alone, that people don’t understand what they have been through and unable to explain what they have been through or why they stayed, which doesn’t help them get the empathy and support they need.

4. They feel judged and blamed by society, friends, family and of course the narcissist.

It is obvious that the narcissist’s main method of controlling the victim is through finances.

I had never taken shit from any man, I had always maintained control in relationships. I hate to put it that way, it is not that I was controlling, (there is a difference) but I protected my best interests and never handed over control of my money or life to anyone; before JC.

When you have money, equity, credit it is a lot easier to stay independent and self-sufficient so it makes sense that the N would focus on gaining control of the finances in the relationship. It’s not like you were stupid and just handed over the money, it is obviously not a habit of yours to meet a man and hand over your  money and your assets; if it was you wouldn’t have had anything to hand over to the N. It isn’t that he put some sort of spell on you or hypnotized you (although it can feel like it at times). He is a master manipulator and pathological liar who knew exactly what buttons to push and how to kick start your natural instincts to do what he wants. You were working under the assumption you were dealing with a normal loving partner who only had your best interests at heart. You had no reason to believe that he was out to destroy you, even when his actions indicated that was his intention his words belied his actions and you became confused and more easily coerced.

Once the downward spiral starts it gains momentum quickly and before you know it you are totally under his control, destitute and wondering what happened.

I have researched how the N got this power over the victim to manipulate them into giving up everything for the N and it really is very simple and comes down to the narcissist using our natural instinct and responses against us. Either they have studied it or they have picked up on it through trial and error. The huge advantage they have over us, the victims, the average normal person; is that they do not feel like we do, they do not have guilt or a conscience and do not respond to stimuli like a normal person so they are immune to these techniques and can use them on others. They may not know why it works, they just know it does so they use it to get what they want.

You can be aware of these normal automatic reactions and protect yourself from falling victim to your natural knee jerk reactions.

First, think back to when you first met the narcissist, it is probably in the first meeting or first few dates you felt you had met your soul mate, once that feeling is embedded in your physic it is very hard to erase it. How does he (she) do it?

They mirror you back to yourself. I watched a video this morning on how to make someone fall in love with you and keep them forever (or as long as you want). This guy swears he can teach anyone how to get someone to fall in love with you in 3 simple questions, in other words, in a matter of a few hours you can have someone “head-over-heels, can’t-believe-their-good-fortune, heart-pounding, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you”, in love.

Most of us remember the narcissist as being totally self-centered and talking about himself, only interested in himself but if you think back to when you met him I am willing to bet that was not the case. The majority of victims will say that the narcissist was attentive and wanted to know all about the them. When you hear how simple it is you will really feel foolish, it is effective communication 101, but something most men don’t do. Most men feel they must impress the new woman so they talk all about themselves and their accomplishments etc and women have been taught to listen politely and be agreeable, so when a man shows an interest in them and wants to know all about them, they are flattered immediately.

All the N has to do is ask a simple casual question like, “what brought you here today” or “what do you do for a living.” They only have to get the victim talking about themselves and then find out what they are passionate about. ie: what they do for a living or what they would like to do for a living. Not fire 20 questions but casually ask and then wait to see what the victim says and feed it back to them almost word for word. If the person says they love their job the N goes with that and feeds it back to them, “So you love your job, what exactly do you love about it?” Or if the victim says they hate their job the N would respond with, “You hate your job, what else would you like to do?” when the victim says they are passionate about animals and would like to work with animals the N simply feeds it back to the victim, “You are passionate about animals and want to work with them, what brought out this passion for animals?” that gets the victim expounding on themselves and what they are passionate about and because the N is feeding them their own words they feel totally understood.

It doesn’t matter that the passion is related to their work because it activates that part of the brain related to passion, consequently the victim now feels passionate in the N’s company and associates passion with being with the N. If the N is nodding his head, looking at you with interest and seems impressed with your passion you will feel you have met your soul mate, that he accepts you and loves you just the way you are, you have just met the man of your dreams. I remember thinking I had to keep dating JC because I had never had anyone love me and accept me like he did. I was not that into him, it was that he was that into me.

Interest + Values + Passion = Love of your life.

Once they have you hooked into believing they are in love with you, they use something called the “Benjamin Franklin Effect” read more here  and that is to get you to do a favor for them. They get you to invest in the relationship, it may not be financial, more than likely it isn’t anything very big, because they want you to do it willingly. they will word it in such a way that you don’t feel pressured to do it and then they show appreciation for your effort. (by the way, this technique is used by businessmen when they want to influence people and is taught in courses on how to manipulate people for business or personal gain)

For instance, on JC and my first real date (we had talked several times on the phone prior to our first date) he mentioned he had just bought a new car and had no way of getting his old car home from the place he had bought his new car. I offered to help him the next day. It was nothing for me, it wasn’t a date, I was just going to meet him the next day and drive his old car back to his place for him. We met up the next day but he decided we didn’t have time to drive the car back to his place so we just moved it to a friend’s who lived close by, then he had to leave to go to his mom’s for the weekend. He was very grateful for the favor but I still owed him the favor of getting the car home to his place which led to another date. (pretty tricky. It also works if you can get a person to commit to helping you in some way because most people strive to keep their promises and will feel they owe you) He could not believe I was willing to do that for him. The next time we saw each other he asked me to come for supper and we would move the car, the minute I walked in the door he dragged me into the bedroom and we didn’t end up moving the car until the next morning, making me late for work.  I was now; subconsciously really invested in the relationship and more apt to invest more.

In business they teach people that if they have an adversary they want to win over, get them to do you a favor; something as simple as lend you a book, give you the phone number of someone, anything small. The minute they invest even in the smallest way they will start to be more interested in you and convince themselves they even like you. It is cognitive dissonance, when a person does something out of their comfort zone and rationalizes why they did it, they have to like the person because they did a favor for them. the more they invest the more they are apt to do and the more they convince themselves they like you. try it!

It is a proven fact of human nature that if a person invests in a relationship they are more likely to stay in the relationship and invest more; obviously the problem will automatically grow all by itself. The more you invest the more you are inclined to invest, the more committed you are to whatever you invested in. Make sense? the more you invest and lose the more apt you are to invest even more trying to recoup what you have los or justify losing what you have already invested. Rationally you would think a person would cut their losses and not invest more into a losing proposition but that is not human nature. Human nature is to rationalize the loss so they can accept it. Cognitive dissonance comes into play once again. The victim can not accept that they gave up control to someone who is evil so they refuse to see the evil and convince themselves that the person did not do it on purpose, is not evil and does not intend to destroy them.

To the outside world the victim is being stupid, allowing the narcissist to use and abuse them time after time, but the mind is doing what it does naturally; changing the way it views things to accept behavior they would not accept otherwise. It is rather confusing to me because it doesn’t make sense but there are many things about the human mind that don’t make sense and that is why we have to be very aware of our natural reactions to situations and correct the behavior we know is damaging to us. When we feel the impulse to invest more into a losing proposition we need to be aware of our tendency to cognitive dissonance, remove ourselves from the situation so we can think clearly and stay true to our values and boundaries.

 

 

I am not going to bore you all with all the details of JC’s posts but I had to share with you what I consider to be a typical narcissistic train of thought. Once again his comments are in black and mine are in red. This was the last couple of paragraphs of his second post on July 10, 2013.

I met a girl who has totally changed my life. She is kind, loving, positive, attractive, does not drink, smoke or do drugs, she does not condone my smoking and she tolerates my occasional drink, but she is concerned for my health, and the longevity of our future. She is organized, very thrifty, and has helped me finally get on top of my finances and debts.

Note the part about organized, he will refer to it again 3 days later. Helped him get on top of his finances, yeah; I know of $20,000 she gave him 2 months after meeting him and he still owes his step dad, $20,000. So that is $40,000 if he paid his step dad. I paid off almost $10,000 in debt the first year after we split and I didn’t have any one helping me.

On top of that…I love her so much that I cannot begin to describe it. 

He can’t describe it because he doesn’t know what it feels like to love any one.

We are born 2 weeks apart, and we will be 50 this year, and for the first time in my life I am looking forward to a future, with her, instead of just surviving every day, not knowing what crisis was coming, while throwing my time, finances, and affections, into a black hole. (as was a coexistence with CR)

 Pot calling the kettle black as is typical of a narcissist, this statement makes me want to spit nails!!! His time, finances and affection?? I threw up in my mouth when I read that.

This is but a sliver of what is going on, typed at one sitting. There is no way to address the hours and days and weeks of ladywithatrucks completely delusional and fantastic accounts of my life as her evil overlord. All I can say is…..there are 3 sides to every story. And now that I put a second side out there, or a bit of one….I can go back to the awesome life I am starting with MP,

Awesome life he is starting? They’ve been together over 2 years, he must mean restarting. We used to do that all the time too. Something would happen, he would get fired or something and make all kinds of promises of a fresh start, in a new town, a new job. He would profess his love and point out some flaws of mine that if I could get a handle on MY issues he was really ready to make a full commitment. We would move, I would be happy and hopeful because he would have promised to change but then nothing would change, things only got worse and then a year or so down the road we would have another “fresh start” after he got fired and we got evicted and I found a nice place to live and got all set up. I was SO STUPID!! grrrr.

and drive another stake into the heart (that’s why I have heart trouble, he has a voodoo doll he is sticking pins into) of that vile demon from Chilliwack that keeps trying to cause us harm.  Vile demon rotflmao

 Vile demon from Chilliwack? He clearly knows where I live because he has obviously been going into my blog, he knows where I live and it isn’t Chilliwack. But its his attempt at putting up a smoke screen because he has been trying to get me kicked out and if he doesn’t know where I live it can’t be him calling the management board right? He thinks he is so sly.

 It is like when my tire blew on the freeway, it was 3:30 and I am sure he was wondering why he hadn’t heard from me yet, or maybe he was concerned we were dead and he had better cover his tracks but what ever the reason he text messaged his sister and said, “You guys be careful out there”. She said to me I just got this text from JC, has he ever told you to be careful at work? I said no, why would he? I don’t do anything dangerous? She laughed and said, “Watch……our front tire is going to fall off or something.” She wasn’t too far off; we had barely stopped laughing when my driver’s side front tire blew up, severing my brake line, destroying the fender and bending my door. It immediately pulled me to the left. God was with me that day because had I been in the slow lane it would have pulled me right into the traffic. It was rush hour and bumper to bumper. I told Denise to hang on and I managed to keep the truck on the road, an F550 with 3 tons of scrap tied to the deck. There is a steep gully between the highway and the on coming traffic, had we gone off the road we would have rolled and probably either been killed or seriously injured; but I got it stopped and pulled safely off the road. Rubber from the tire was strewn all over the freeway. A young girl parked behind me and came running up to me yelling, “lady,,, that was awesome fucking driving!!” LOL

 We called him and he sounded so concerned and said he was packing up right away and coming to help us. My son had just gotten here from Calgary and went to his shop to wait until I got off work. JC told him what had happened. Kris said JC’s tools were all packed up already but JC dicked around for hours before they left to get us. I just wanted him to single out one of my rear dually tires so I could buy a cheap used tired the next day but he arrived with two brand new $400 tires. I told him I couldn’t afford to pay $400 a tire and he was pissed off. He started to take the back tire off like I wanted and then said he didn’t have the right tool and ended up putting one of the new tires on.

 It was 6 months later he casually mentioned to me that perhaps I should go and get my wheels checked because he had loosened all the lug nuts and my wheels might fall off. I asked when he did it and he said when he had come to rescue me when my tire blew. I said, but you said you couldn’t single out the back dually because you didn’t have the right size wrench to undo the lug nuts, that is why I ad to use the new tire. He said, “Just get them checked. And you might as well get them to check under the engine there are some bolts that hold the cab onto the frame that are missing,”  I asked how he knew that and he said he noticed it while he was under there for some reason, I thought to myself , “Why didn’t you use the wrench you used to take them off to put them back on?” But we were split by this time and I didn’t really want to get into it.

 Sure enough I went to a tire shop and the guy just about crapped his pants. I heard him say Fuck!! And then he called me over and showed me where they had been rubbing. He said it was a miracle my wheels didn’t fall off.

 He says I am trying to cause them harm? Again, in typical narcissistic fashion turning the facts around and accusing me of doing to him what he has and continues to do to me. Calling my work and getting me fired and lodging phony complaints with the management board where I live. In his post he also mentioned that I laid on the couch all day drink my vodka coolers, smoking, doing drugs and eating Tim Horton’s while he worked 24/7 to keep me supplied but I was never satisfied, I was insatiable. Finally he told me I needed to get a job so I knew how much I was costing him. He said he set me up with a truck and customers so I could do scrap but it was too much work so I quit. What a bunch of hooey!!! You know, I would like to give him credit where credit is due because he was a big help in many ways. No, he did not give me customers, the one customer he “gave” me was someone else’s customer and when I started going during the day (instead of in the dark of night like he did) I got shit for taking someone else’s scrap. No, he did not set me up with a truck, I did my own deal on the truck and a guy I worked with gave me a small crane and then another guy gave me the winch and heavy duty crane and I had another guy weld it onto my truck. BUT he did give me pointers on what was what, how much stuff was worth, and helped me load some heavy stuff some times; he was very supportive and encouraging because I knew nothing about scrap.  He ended up using MY contacts and getting better prices for his batteries and scrap because he would use my name every where. For a period of time we both had scrap trucks and he would call me and say there was a bunch of scrap and to come down and he would share it with me. We always loaded his truck first and mine never got loaded. We would use my crane and winch to load his truck and then we would be out of time or some other excuse. He scooped jobs right out from under me!!

 For one thing he knows damn well I used to drink Mike’s Hard Lemonaide, but he didn’t want to say that on his blog because he told Ccon I was drinking Mike’s; the boss even made a note of saying it was Mikes and looking me straight in the eye. I looked him back straight in the eye and said, “Yes I drink Mikes, but I was not drinking in the truck at the Husky, my ex also knows I drink Mikes”. He didn’t say anything then. And I thought how the hell could anyone see what I was drinking from a distance; if I was in deed drinking at all. Why would a responsible citizen see someone doing drugs and drinking and wait until the next day to call the company. Why wouldn’t he call the cops and have them take me off the road immediately so I didn’t kill someone? It is almost funny that he thinks he has covered his trail with these feeble and obvious attempts to cover his ass.

 I don’t know where he lives, don’t have his phone number and don’t know where he works, so how I was causing him harm is beyond me. I am sure he is doing shit to M and saying it is me just to make her believe I am a psycho. I know years ago he put sugar in his own gas tank and said it was his g/f’s ex boyfriend so she would be mad at him. I didn’t think anything of it when he told me that her ex put sugar in his tank until his son was living with us and his son said something about it and JC got defensive. He said to his son, “is your mom saying he didn’t? She knows he did it, she had to help me clean out my gas tank.” The fact that there was sugar in the tank does not prove the guy did it. Tricky little play on words. In general people don’t analyze what other people say and if someone wasn’t paying close attention they would think yeah, he must have done it.  Just like Ccon figured I must have been seen drinking and drugging at the Husky if some guy saying he is a fireman (JC was a fire fighter in Sechelt) and sounding official calls to tell them I was. But if they would have thought about it and just asked me, I could have pointed out why that is such a bizarre statement.

SHe has her blog, and her minions, and they feed off one another.

The only minions I have.

The only minions I have.

He is jealous because I have a following, he would love to have 600+ people following his blog, he has had 3 blogs the first one was in an attempt to raise money for him to go to Sudan and he didn’t raise a dime and never had one follower because he is an egomaniac that bragged about all the women he had lined up and laughed about how gullible we all were. He doesn’t understand that my blog is about narcissism and domestic abuse; he thinks I am just bitching about him but I wouldn’t have the following I do if I was just bitching about my ex. I have a following because people can relate to what I went through and are seeking answers just like me. It is ridiculous to even discuss it I know because he does not have the emotional or mental ability to grasp what I am trying to do. His life is superficial and based on lies and fabrications, to expect him to fathom wanting to help people for the sake of helping people is  an attempt at futility.

 I have MP….and yes….we eat each other once and a while too. She is delicious….but thats another story.

The above statement was meant to hurt me but I just got sick to my stomach. This coming from a 50 year old man, it sounds like something a 15 year old would say. If I was MP I would be embarrassed; how crude.

Below is his post three days later on July 13, 2013.

 moving. Alone again…naturally.

To read the title one would assume this poor man has had to move all by himself his whole life or is single. The truth of the matter is, that every time he and I moved I did the whole move and he disappeared to God knows where. I was forever rescuing his tools and guitars because he had procrastinated so long that we were out of time and he took off in his truck and left his stuff behind.

I lost so much furniture because he didn’t show up when he said he would, or wouldn’t let me load my stuff onto his truck and it got left behind, one time it was left in a pickup truck he had stored at the pit. Then he sold the truck and my stuff got thrown out into the snow. He finally took me up to get it a month later, dropped me off and left. I had to pack my stuff down a long driveway in the snow and then wait in the freezing cold for him to return. When he got back he pulled up and just sat in his truck. I was pissed and told him it would be nice if he helped me. He yelled at me, “Can’t I even eat a sandwich in peace? I haven’t eaten all day.”  I guess he didn’t think I needed food and could live off of the love I had for him.

 The one and only time he was a big help moving was when I was supposed to be buying the house in Saskatchewan that he told me about and the deal fell through at the final hour. He flew out from Alberta and told me to go to bed he would load the truck. I was so impressed because I thought he was staying true to his word and really trying to change. LOL he just wanted to be there when I got the news that the house had been sold, and he wanted to make sure I didn’t back out.

I am loading the last load of SIX….yes….six….loads. We sure have a lot of shit.
Well….she had probably 4 and a half anyhow. Most of my stuff went up on car trailers and in guitar cases.

He can not help himself, he HAS to brag about his vehicles and guitars. To hear him talk he has had over 80 different cars all in mint condition when in reality most of them were scrap cars and not even running. His guitars end up getting pawned and he loses them because he doesn’t pay the pawn shop. Then he gets some money from some where and buys another one, eventually he pawns or sells that one too.  I bought him one for $500 from my son but to hear him tell it I never bought him anything.

Anyhow…the end is in sight…and no one was killed in the process. Now….as long as I can keep a lid on her at the other end….bob’s yer uncle.

This is where I start to feel sorry for her.

Thats how different personalities work….in trying times such as these.

In trying times like these! Oh give me a break ….he sounds like he’s talking about the great depression, they moved for God’s sake! People do it everyday, they just don’t do it with HIM.

She is so organized, and focused…..that she tends to get frustrated and angry….when things invariably don’t correspond with her timeline. (and they never could with the domino setup she engineered)

Notice the not so subtle jab at her. Three days ago being organized was a good thing, but now she “engineered” it to fail. I know only too well what she was probably going through, he made her life hell and then blamed her for everything falling apart when in fact it fell apart because he refused to help or simply disappeared, or just concerned himself with his shit and didn’t help with the household stuff. I can’t help but remember him telling me that she was so calm and rational and how he could talk to her……..not like with me. I had said to him at that time. “I do not want to hear how wonderful M is. When SHE has done 10 years with you and she is STILL calm and rational I might listen, but until then I don’t want to hear it.”

Me? Slow and easy. I made my calculations, checked out what was heavy, what was bulky, and then just started loading. No need to be pissy about things, they are gonna take what they are…..and I just keep a variable ETA in mind, subject to….whatever.

I had to laugh, he just can not help trying to make himself out to be superior. If only he knew how stupid he sounds but I guess some one that doesn’t know him would maybe feel sorry for him having to put up with MP temper tantrums when he is so calm and easy going. Cough cough it certainly would not be like JC to get “pissy” about things. LOL

Meanwhile….It’s been VERY quiet around here. As soon as moving was mentioned….tumbleweeds started blowing up our street and I am sure I saw mothers herding their children indoors.

I know it is none of my concern, and I am going to take my own advice and not waste any time thinking about it but….she owned her house and JC told me when he met her that she would never move from that house. It sounds like she didn’t have much choice in the matter. It would be so like him to some how make her lose her home and that would be tragic. Her dead husband must be rolling over in his grave watching how his life insurance money is being spent after he made sure she was set for the rest of her life.

I can’t help but take a little pleasure in the fact that obviously Miss Calm Cool and Collected is not so rational and easy to talk to now and it hasn’t even been 2 full years let alone 10!! It may be nasty of me but I have to be honest, I LOVE IT !!!!

Oh well….it is said….blessed are those who expect nothing from life, for they will not be disappointed.

That has to be his favorite line; I heard it so many times I could vomit!! What a cop out!! It shows once again how out of touch with reality he is. How can any one get any where in life without expectations, how can you have a relationship without expectations? I used to tell him that he had expectations of me and he would deny it. But he expected me to not get angry with him having personal ads, he expected me to accept that he didn’t come to bed, or call if he was late or not coming home at all, he expected me to be faithful, he expected me to cheat and treated me like I had when it was him that was unfaithful. He expected me to believe his lies and not confront him on his lies or stealing. He expected the neighbors to put up with him revving his car engine at 1 am.

Well, I feel better getting that off my chest.

I know I am not following my own rules, I should not even respond in any way and I know he might read this, but I have stewed about this for a couple of months now and I want him to know I know and I think he is a piece of shit but it didn’t work; he didn’t destroy me. Like he always said, “you can’t polish a turd.” Another thing he used to say was, “I am not going to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person,”  I am not going to try to explain feelings and empathy to a person totally void of a soul.