I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.

 

 

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Journaling To Remain Sane

journal

This is a recycled post from over a year ago but I feel it is well worth repeating, especially for those of you who haven’t yet left the relationship and you are suffering from self doubt and the narcissist has you confused and is telling you that you are crazy.

Narcissists are known for using gas lighting to induce confusion and self doubt, anyone involved with someone they suspect is a narcissist should be keeping a journal. Here is the post:

For most of my life I didn’t keep a journal, who has time for journaling? Especially when you have a narcissist stirring up all kinds of drama in your life. I used to think too that my emotions were too raw and there was so much shit going on I didn’t have the energy to write it all out, or I would think, “I’ll write it down tomorrow.” But tomorrow I would forget and then when I did remember I forgot details like exact times or wording.

That is until I realized I HAD to journal or lose my mind OR just give in to James and let him spew his lies.

James always journaled, not every day and there were years he didn’t journal at all but for the majority of our relationship he journaled and his journals were considered gospel, if it was written in his journals it was fact and it was not up for debate.

Admittedly in the beginning I was very naive and thought our relationship would run much like other relationships I had plus we had discussed every aspect of a relationship before moving in together because we (I) wanted to be on the same page with our expectations. I didn’t have a child at home any more, we were going to be two working adults living together; I thought it was wise to discuss some basics so we knew what each expected. In previous relationships I had been the main wage earner, handled the finances, did the yard work, housework and all the cooking and I expected to be more equal partners with James and he agreed wholeheartedly. I like a clean house, that does not mean I LIKE to clean the house, neither did he but we agreed a cleaning woman would be well worth any money it cost us. We also agreed that I never cooked on Friday nights. I have had that rule since I was with my 1st husband in 1980 and never had a man argue. I didn’t think it was out of line. I worked full-time and deserved a night off cooking. I didn’t care if it was crackers and cheese as long as I didn’t have to cook it. Of course he agreed and I had no reason to think he wouldn’t follow through; after all no other man had ever balked.

It took a while but I finally figured out that James’s word was worth zip! and he would change whole conversations to suit his agenda. At first I thought it was just me misunderstanding, or not explaining myself clearly. I would explain again and again he would twist my words or deny ever having the conversation and I started to get frustrated, my voice would get louder and higher pitched and the tears would start. You know how it is when you are trying to explain yourself and someone is twisting your words and just not understanding the simplest things or taking offense to some simple request. He would keep his voice very low and mutter things under his breath and I got louder trying to make my point. Of course I sounded like the psycho bitch, I truly felt I would go insane if I wasn’t already.

He kept track of the finances on Quickbooks on the computer, (it was my computer when we moved in together but soon became “his” and then he passworded it so I couldn’t get on it at all and even if I did get on the computer I was not allowed into Quickbooks). I had never kept track of who owed who what in any of my relationships, we had always pooled funds and paid the bills, if there was money left over we decided what to do with it. If we wanted to buy something we discussed it.

After we were living together finances became our major reason for fighting, mostly because he was always accusing me of spending “his” money on frivolous things and if you were to talk to him now he would tell you he supported me for the whole relationship. I swear sometimes they tell the same lie so many times they believe it themselves. (I worked for most of our relationship and the only time I didn’t work was because he had disabled my vehicle so I couldn’t work.)

I am a fairly frugal person in many ways, I drank wine at that time and a cheap 1L bottle was fine for me and if I had a vehicle I would go and buy my own but when I was stuck at home he would go to the liquor store and buy an expensive bottle of wine that cost as much as 3 of my cheap bottles. I rolled my own cigarettes and he bought them by the carton.  He told my son that my drinking was costing him $1000 a month, of course it was all recorded in Quickbooks, which I had no access to. Until one day he forgot to sign out and I was able to check his figures. His balance in Quickbooks didn’t match what I figured he should have so I started going over the amount and realized he had not recorded one of his paychecks for around $990. How could that be? how could he have missed recording almost a thousand dollars and still show a balance? The more I dug the more I found (the reason why I became such a snoop, I kept finding shit and it was always way worse than anything I had imagined) I realized he hadn’t entered most of his booze receipts, had entered some of mine two and three times, he had charged me $535 for repairs on my Prelude but the bill was for $335. I had been in banking for 11 years and worked in an accounting office for 12 years so I am a bit OCD about things balancing and I spent the whole day “fixing” his mistakes. I went out to his shop and found a ton of booze receipts that he hadn’t recorded and once I got everything entered properly he was in the red so I entered that pay stub and he balanced to what I figured he should have. Needless to say he was not happy I had “helped” him and he made sure to never forget to sign out again. (I was dumb, I was too honest. Whenever I discovered something I would tell him what I had found and I should have kept my mouth shut because then he just hid things better)

It is so foreign to a normal person to spy on their loved one, to not trust them and having to be suspicious of everything they say and do, so a normal person feels guilty, even though they have done nothing wrong. The narc will use that guilt against the victim;

By a show of hands………How many of you have heard your narc say something like, “I can’t believe you don’t believe me! I can’t live with your paranoia.” or  ” I can’t believe you snooped, I thought you were better than that.” or “I am so disappointed in you.” or  “and I trusted you!” and you ended up apologizing for snooping and finding out he’d been lying to you.

It seemed the only thing we argued about was the money, I was upset he didn’t come to bed at night but that hurt my feelings and I usually cried, I didn’t start fights, I hate fights and I always tried to discuss things from a “I feel” perspective (the way they teach you in communicating effectively classes) so the only time we fought was when he got angry about money.

He would demand I hand in receipts for every dime I spent and then lose them. So out of self-preservation I started keeping track of my own spending and when he gave me cash and when I gave him cash. He had this cute little trick where he would get me to pick up his cheque for him and deposit it in the bank and then take out cash and bring it to him. It had two purposes, to keep me busy running errands for him and later he would insist he gave me his whole cheque, and then demand I answer with a yes or no. Well, if I said no, he called me a liar, but if I said yes, it was a lie also because I didn’t keep any of the money. If I tried to explain I brought the cash to him and said, “Yes but……….” he would scream in my face. “I said, yes…..or no……. it’s simple Carrie. What are you trying to hide? YES or NO! did you pick up my pay cheque?” My stomach still gets knots in it when I think about those fights. I would get so frustrated.

He would start in on me about some money I had spent or owed him and I wouldn’t know what he was talking about, he would refer to his “records” and show me his figures which were a total fabrication but I had no way to prove it. OR he handed me an itemized invoice for money he said I owed him from when we started dating.

I had lost my job by then and there was no way for me to pay him the money yet I figured that if I just paid him the money he said I owed I would keep track of my finances better and it would never happen again. So I sold my car and paid him the thousand and something dollars he said I owed (He had already taken possession of my computer and big screen TV for debt he said I owed him.) When I handed him the cash I asked, “Am I paid up now? Do I owe you for anything?” He said no I didn’t owe him anything. I made him repeat it, “Are you sure I don’t owe you any more money?” and he said yes. I was SO relieved, finally that was dealt with and we wouldn’t fight about it any more.

You can imagine my frustration when it wasn’t even two weeks before he was badgering me for money I owed him.

I got one of those Day Planners where each day has its own page  and every day I would record, finances and things like; whether he came home that night, if we had sex, if I cried, if I nagged at him, if he hit me. More than once I was able to go to my Day Planner when I was being accused of; always crying, always being angry, never having sex, and read to him entries like, “JC and I had sex last night, I sure love him I am hopeful this is a sign he is going to try.” or “I haven’t cried for 4 days, JC and I have been getting along.” “I had supper ready and JC didn’t come home all night.” “I bought JC and I supper out.” He hated that. Then he would take my journal and write in his own entries. At one point he destroyed them all so I only have journals from 2006-1010. So be forewarned, he won’t like the fact that you journal and will destroy them if he has a chance.

It didn’t stop the lying though or the fights about what had been said and what I had misunderstood. I remember one time particular after I had sold my car. The wospos had traded his antique 1970 Chev Sprint for a flat deck truck and was hauling scrap cars, he was forever getting perfectly good cars given to him and every single time he would come in all excited and tell me he had brought my new car home. There were several cars I was thrilled with, some of them antiques, some muscle cars but my enthusiasm was quick to fade because I would no sooner register the car in my name, which cost $18 every time; and he would have sold it. A person would think, “Why would he bother to put it in my name if he didn’t intend on giving it to me?”

1. Because it costs $18 every time and he was getting a lot of cars

2. If he registered them there was a paper trail when he did his income taxes

3. There was the delicious bonus of getting my hopes and dashing them again.

The neighbor Chuck who the wospos and I had gotten to know quite well, would laugh when he saw the wospos’s truck coming with a car on it and say, “OH look! JC has brought home your new car!” then stand behind the wospos’s back giggling as he told me this was going to be my new car and I needed to register it.  If I didn’t register it I was told, “Fine, so you don’t get a car.”  So it went for a long time. THEN he came home and said he had just bought me a new car from his buddy Jim (the apath I have talked about in other posts) and we had to go pick it up. I was leery of course and when we got to Jim’s I stayed in the truck. The wospos asked if I wasn’t going to get out and see my new car. I hesitated but then he always said I was so ungrateful I thought I had better act enthusiastic just in case he meant it this time. Jim and his wife came out and we all sat on their patio having a smoke and they both were talking like it was my new car. Jim was selling it to JC for the price he had paid for it because JC had said I needed a good safe car to drive and he knew we were short of money. Could it be? was I really going to finally get my own car to drive? Dare I get excited? I went and looked at it and it needed to be cleaned but it was a cute little car and I made sure to show my gratefulness, kissed JC and gave him a big hug, told Jim and his wife how thrilled I was and I started to relax a bit. I gushed all the way home about how thrilled I was with my new car, how I was going to clean it the minute we got home. The wospos looked at me and said, “Your car? who said it was your car?” I was obviously gutted and he got that grin he used to get when he had pulled off a scam and sucked me in again.

Me, “But you said…..”

Him, “I paid $500 for that car, I bought it to sell it, NOT give it to YOU.”

Me, ” But Jim ….”

Him, “I don’t know where you got the idea it was your car, I never said any such thing.”

Of course I didn’t even have time to record it before he was denying it, so journaling doesn’t always prevent him lying. When it really comes in handy is months later when he changes history to suit his agenda, then you can go back and at least console yourself with the fact that you are not crazy and didn’t imagine events of the past.

It doesn’t have to be detailed, just point form is good enough, but make sure you record dates and times – we can usually remember an event but in a court of law you are going to need to know exact dates and times or else the N will lie his face off and you won’t have a leg to stand on. A judge loves someone who comes to court prepared, it makes his job so much easier and if a judge gets the feeling a person is lying to him; he doesn’t rule in their favor. You’ve watched Judge Judy, someone lying to her pisses her right off.

 

filesI have never been to court with the N but I went for a ticket I got from a Department of Transport officer (on second thought, I am sure he was a narcissist)who didn’t like scrap haulers, especially women scrap haulers and wrote me up for a bunch of bogus charges totally almost $2000. I walked out of the court room with my fines reduced to $200 and the judge gave me a year to pay them, all because I had pictures and the officer didn’t, he didn’t make details notes and I walked in with a file folder full of notes, receipts and character references, I had recorded every time I tried to call the officer and he didn’t call back, I had read the rules and regulations and was able to quote them, but had photo copies in the folder  and the officer was unsure of them. I loved that and said, “You are unsure of the regulations?”
He said, “Well, yeah they changed and they are rather confusing.”
I said,”Do you recall when they changed the regulations?”
He replied two years ago.
Me: “So you are saying that at the time you wrote me the ticket, one year ago you were confused by the regulations?”
The judge looked at him and said,”Answer the lady.”

I asked him if he recalled what he had said to me when I tried to explain why the truck exhaust was loud and he said no he didn’t.

I got my notebook and read, “I don’t want to appear like I don’t care, but I don’t care.”

The judge looked at him and said, ‘You said that?”

DOT officer, “Well yeah, by that time she was crying.”
Judge, “Who was crying?”
I put up my hand and said, “Me your honor.”
Judge looking at the officer, “She was crying?”
DOT officer, “Typical woman, thinks she can turn on the tears and get off.”
I could barely contain myself and had to hold back from yelling, “I rest my case!!”
Judge with a look of disbelief at the DOT officer, “I think I have heard enough.”

Take the 5 minutes at the end of the day, preferably when the N isn’t around and hide your journal so he doesn’t find it; it doesn’t have to be well written, just notes jotted down, dates, times, pertinent remarks, the nights he says he is working late, the phone number you find in a pocket, anything that strikes you as odd, that makes your gut react in some way. When he tells you something that just does not make sense, make note of it and wait, the truth always comes out eventually and then you can go back and check your notes and verify you were right all along.

The N relies on a person’s memory fading with time so even when his lies are exposed it is easier for him to lie his way out of it. It won’t win an argument for you but it WILL verify what you have suspected and you are not crazy or imagining things and make it easier for you to feel justified in leaving his lying ass.

I am not telling you this so you will win fights with the N on a day-to-day basis, that is impossible, I am telling you to journal to save your sanity and hopefully get you out of the relationship before you truly lose your mind.

If you do have to go to court you will have documented evidence of any money you gave him, dates, times, of when he saw other women, dates times and pics of any abuse or material possessions he destroyed.

If you have children you will have recorded any abuse, missed visitation, that sort of thing.

It is so vitally important that you keep all and any evidence such as text messages, voice mails, emails, that sort of thing. Even if they are not particularly nasty, you might need to prove he was contacting you after you told him not to and now he is accusing you of harassing him. You never know what might come in handy.

Do not for a minute fool yourself into thinking you can split from a narcissist amicably, he may say he wants things to be fair and friendly; but remember, there is no such thing as fair with an N.

Besides, what does it hurt to keep a journal? if you never use it in court it just might be the reading material you need to remind yourself how crazy things got, after you leave and you are filled with doubt.

Judgement Day – Why Women Stay

When you hear women’s stories of their relationship with a narcissist and where they are left by the narcissist when the relationship ends you hear the same complaints.

1. They were strong independent women and can’t believe how dependent on the N they’ve become

2. No matter what they had going into the relationship, they are left destitute or fighting for what is rightfully theirs.

3. They feel alone, that people don’t understand what they have been through and unable to explain what they have been through or why they stayed, which doesn’t help them get the empathy and support they need.

4. They feel judged and blamed by society, friends, family and of course the narcissist.

It is obvious that the narcissist’s main method of controlling the victim is through finances.

I had never taken shit from any man, I had always maintained control in relationships. I hate to put it that way, it is not that I was controlling, (there is a difference) but I protected my best interests and never handed over control of my money or life to anyone; before JC.

When you have money, equity, credit it is a lot easier to stay independent and self-sufficient so it makes sense that the N would focus on gaining control of the finances in the relationship. It’s not like you were stupid and just handed over the money, it is obviously not a habit of yours to meet a man and hand over your  money and your assets; if it was you wouldn’t have had anything to hand over to the N. It isn’t that he put some sort of spell on you or hypnotized you (although it can feel like it at times). He is a master manipulator and pathological liar who knew exactly what buttons to push and how to kick start your natural instincts to do what he wants. You were working under the assumption you were dealing with a normal loving partner who only had your best interests at heart. You had no reason to believe that he was out to destroy you, even when his actions indicated that was his intention his words belied his actions and you became confused and more easily coerced.

Once the downward spiral starts it gains momentum quickly and before you know it you are totally under his control, destitute and wondering what happened.

I have researched how the N got this power over the victim to manipulate them into giving up everything for the N and it really is very simple and comes down to the narcissist using our natural instinct and responses against us. Either they have studied it or they have picked up on it through trial and error. The huge advantage they have over us, the victims, the average normal person; is that they do not feel like we do, they do not have guilt or a conscience and do not respond to stimuli like a normal person so they are immune to these techniques and can use them on others. They may not know why it works, they just know it does so they use it to get what they want.

You can be aware of these normal automatic reactions and protect yourself from falling victim to your natural knee jerk reactions.

First, think back to when you first met the narcissist, it is probably in the first meeting or first few dates you felt you had met your soul mate, once that feeling is embedded in your physic it is very hard to erase it. How does he (she) do it?

They mirror you back to yourself. I watched a video this morning on how to make someone fall in love with you and keep them forever (or as long as you want). This guy swears he can teach anyone how to get someone to fall in love with you in 3 simple questions, in other words, in a matter of a few hours you can have someone “head-over-heels, can’t-believe-their-good-fortune, heart-pounding, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you”, in love.

Most of us remember the narcissist as being totally self-centered and talking about himself, only interested in himself but if you think back to when you met him I am willing to bet that was not the case. The majority of victims will say that the narcissist was attentive and wanted to know all about the them. When you hear how simple it is you will really feel foolish, it is effective communication 101, but something most men don’t do. Most men feel they must impress the new woman so they talk all about themselves and their accomplishments etc and women have been taught to listen politely and be agreeable, so when a man shows an interest in them and wants to know all about them, they are flattered immediately.

All the N has to do is ask a simple casual question like, “what brought you here today” or “what do you do for a living.” They only have to get the victim talking about themselves and then find out what they are passionate about. ie: what they do for a living or what they would like to do for a living. Not fire 20 questions but casually ask and then wait to see what the victim says and feed it back to them almost word for word. If the person says they love their job the N goes with that and feeds it back to them, “So you love your job, what exactly do you love about it?” Or if the victim says they hate their job the N would respond with, “You hate your job, what else would you like to do?” when the victim says they are passionate about animals and would like to work with animals the N simply feeds it back to the victim, “You are passionate about animals and want to work with them, what brought out this passion for animals?” that gets the victim expounding on themselves and what they are passionate about and because the N is feeding them their own words they feel totally understood.

It doesn’t matter that the passion is related to their work because it activates that part of the brain related to passion, consequently the victim now feels passionate in the N’s company and associates passion with being with the N. If the N is nodding his head, looking at you with interest and seems impressed with your passion you will feel you have met your soul mate, that he accepts you and loves you just the way you are, you have just met the man of your dreams. I remember thinking I had to keep dating JC because I had never had anyone love me and accept me like he did. I was not that into him, it was that he was that into me.

Interest + Values + Passion = Love of your life.

Once they have you hooked into believing they are in love with you, they use something called the “Benjamin Franklin Effect” read more here  and that is to get you to do a favor for them. They get you to invest in the relationship, it may not be financial, more than likely it isn’t anything very big, because they want you to do it willingly. they will word it in such a way that you don’t feel pressured to do it and then they show appreciation for your effort. (by the way, this technique is used by businessmen when they want to influence people and is taught in courses on how to manipulate people for business or personal gain)

For instance, on JC and my first real date (we had talked several times on the phone prior to our first date) he mentioned he had just bought a new car and had no way of getting his old car home from the place he had bought his new car. I offered to help him the next day. It was nothing for me, it wasn’t a date, I was just going to meet him the next day and drive his old car back to his place for him. We met up the next day but he decided we didn’t have time to drive the car back to his place so we just moved it to a friend’s who lived close by, then he had to leave to go to his mom’s for the weekend. He was very grateful for the favor but I still owed him the favor of getting the car home to his place which led to another date. (pretty tricky. It also works if you can get a person to commit to helping you in some way because most people strive to keep their promises and will feel they owe you) He could not believe I was willing to do that for him. The next time we saw each other he asked me to come for supper and we would move the car, the minute I walked in the door he dragged me into the bedroom and we didn’t end up moving the car until the next morning, making me late for work.  I was now; subconsciously really invested in the relationship and more apt to invest more.

In business they teach people that if they have an adversary they want to win over, get them to do you a favor; something as simple as lend you a book, give you the phone number of someone, anything small. The minute they invest even in the smallest way they will start to be more interested in you and convince themselves they even like you. It is cognitive dissonance, when a person does something out of their comfort zone and rationalizes why they did it, they have to like the person because they did a favor for them. the more they invest the more they are apt to do and the more they convince themselves they like you. try it!

It is a proven fact of human nature that if a person invests in a relationship they are more likely to stay in the relationship and invest more; obviously the problem will automatically grow all by itself. The more you invest the more you are inclined to invest, the more committed you are to whatever you invested in. Make sense? the more you invest and lose the more apt you are to invest even more trying to recoup what you have los or justify losing what you have already invested. Rationally you would think a person would cut their losses and not invest more into a losing proposition but that is not human nature. Human nature is to rationalize the loss so they can accept it. Cognitive dissonance comes into play once again. The victim can not accept that they gave up control to someone who is evil so they refuse to see the evil and convince themselves that the person did not do it on purpose, is not evil and does not intend to destroy them.

To the outside world the victim is being stupid, allowing the narcissist to use and abuse them time after time, but the mind is doing what it does naturally; changing the way it views things to accept behavior they would not accept otherwise. It is rather confusing to me because it doesn’t make sense but there are many things about the human mind that don’t make sense and that is why we have to be very aware of our natural reactions to situations and correct the behavior we know is damaging to us. When we feel the impulse to invest more into a losing proposition we need to be aware of our tendency to cognitive dissonance, remove ourselves from the situation so we can think clearly and stay true to our values and boundaries.