Another comment from someone on my most recent post about leaving a narcissist after 19 years.
“Iv been with my N for two and a half years. Not all of it was bad. There’s is alot of good in him but a lot bad too. He moved in with me 6 months after we got together. We didn’t discus it. He just moved himself in. I own my home so how would I get him to leave without making a huge deal about it? My close friend dates the chief of police in our town and he knows what’s going on just in case it comes to that point. The problem I’m having is he does come home to me every nite, always calls when he’s done with work and on his way home. He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times. I think I’m getting close to ending it. For some reason I have to solve my game of clue. It’s locked in my head that if I get a chance to go through his phone I’ll have ALL my answered questions and I can walk away knowing that I made him look like the asshole he really deep down is. But his charm and his manipulating ways always catch me. How do I break the spell? I have 4 journals and stopped writing awhile ago. Maybe I should start again. All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. Easier said than done. I am very loyal to him mentally and physically. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it. I can make it on my own. My kids are all grown up. He wants kids and to marry me, I absolutely would give him those things if he was normal. He’s 8 years younger than me. Maybe I should let him go so he can find the stripper kind of girl that he seems so intrigued by. Idk. Any suggestions on my situation?”
I always say I stayed 9 1/2 years too long in a 10 year long relationship. It is amazing how quickly the years slip by and before you know it you have so much time invested you think that you can’t leave now!! It is human nature to cling harder to things we are invested in, the narcissist knows that, we don’t. We think eventually we will get sick of it and have enough abuse to walk away, but it doesn’t work that way. We keep thinking, “If I ever catch him actually cheating I will leave.” But we find a woman’s phone number on his phone and he adamantly denies anything is going on. He is indignant that we could think that of him, he comes home to us every night doesn’t he?
We find personal ads on the net, we are furious until he acts like we are the crazy one for getting upset, he would never actually DO anything about it. I photocopied all the correspondence between him and 8 women he was chatting to along his route when he was trucking, he still denied it and somehow in the course of the argument I ended up apologizing and begging him to try again.
Things get crazier and crazier and the abuse gets more blatant and severe, verbal abuse becomes shoves, then he is throwing you across the room or choking you, next the punch to the head and it is a relief because it beats the verbal abuse and silent treatment.
The longer you stay the more you put up with and the more self respect you lose, the more friends lose respect for you and drop off, the more control he gains over you, and the deeper you go down the rabbit hole until you can’t see anyway out.
Believe me, I have been there, always thinking “I will leave as soon as I have “proof” but you will never get him to admit the truth and he will deny the most incriminating evidence so well you will doubt your own eyes and ears. The game of Clue gets addicting but you know what? when you figure it all out (and you never do figure it all out because it doesn’t make sense so even when you have all the evidence you are not satisfied because you want things to make sense. The narcissist does not make sense because they do not feel like the rest of us, we can’t think like them, because of one HUGE difference between us and them. We have a conscience, we care, we have guilt and remorse and they do not. They feel totally justified in all they do and feel superior to normal people because they are not governed by morals and what is right and wrong. They also get off on our pain so will intentionally do things to hurt the people who love them. Every time you are hurt and forgive it is one more notch in his belt , one more shot of adrenaline in his arm and he thinks, “Ha! I got away with that, time to ramp it up. How far can I push her.” Every time you think you have it figured out and you have the answer to fixing him and the relationship he will twist the facts until you are so confused you question your sanity. You will keep thinking, “If I could just explain it in a way that he would understand he would stop hurting me.” “If I could just love him enough or prove how much I love him he would stop sabotaging the wonderful thing we have.”
It is never going to happen.
You said he has many good traits and you have had many good times. We all did, or we would not have been with them. They are never ALL bad, not until you have been with them 10 + years and by then you are so beaten down and invested so much of yourself, are so alone with no friends and he has methodically destroyed everything good in your life, it is all but impossible to leave.
You own your home? give him enough time and he will make sure you lose it too OR you will have been with him long enough he will have legal rights to your home (if it isn’t too late already) Don’t even entertain the thought that he would never do that to you, never underestimate the depth of their depravity and cruelty. It never gets better only worse, muh worse.
You describe the relationship like this
He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times.
All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it
When I read that I have to ask.
It doesn’t matter what he is, why are you with a man who makes you feel this way? What are you getting out of it? Why do you have to prove he is the asshole he is? You are unhappy, you are suspicious and he treats you with disrespect and none of your friends like him. How much more do you need? You do not need proof in order to leave me; you do not have to justify kicking his ass to the curb. YOU control your life, it is not working, he needs to get out; you don’t have to prove anything. Even if he was a sweetheart, it is your life and if you are not happy that is all the reason you need to end the relationship. Why do you have to have proof he cheated?
You want to prove you are right. But who are you proving it to? your friends already think you are short changing yourself, he will never admit to anything and will cry real tears if you do dump him and be so sorry and beg for another chance and you will give it to him from the sounds of it (just like I did, until I had heard the same line 3 times). Do you know what will happen if you do prove he is cheating? You will wonder what’s wrong with you, he will tell you that he wouldn’t have to cheat if you did this or that….you will doubt yourself, he will beg for another chance, if you would just meet him 1/2 way, give him chance, be more like the woman he wants (which changes daily) so you will try harder to be the woman he says he wants and you will lay down some rules of your own and for a while it will be like it used to be in the beginning, until he has you firmly hooked again and then you will discover he has just gotten better at hiding his activities and he will get more cocky and indignant. Now it will be, “Why do you have to keep bring up the past? why do you always cause conflict? Why are you trying to change him?”
And down down down the rabbit hole you go and he starts throwing dirt on top of you.
Please read up on narcissists, there are many good posts here or you can try Sam Vaknin on Youtube, Kim Saeed at Let me Reach, or many other sites and they will all tell you that the narcissist never changes and you never win when you play Clue with a narcissist.
You are risking everything; EVERYTHING! for a man who does not love or respect you and he most certainly is not going to appreciate your loyalty, in fact he is exploiting it. Take it from someone who has done 10 years or any of the other women here who have been where you are and wished they would have followed their gut that was screaming at them to run long before they did.
I won’t lie, it is painful, it is not easy to leave a narcissist but it is possible and the sooner the better.