Tag Archives: Getting Closure

How To Know It’s Time To Move On

Another good article passed along to me by my friend Fannie.
Here’s the link.

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A Journey Back In Time And A Glimpse To The Future

I recently was asked by the Canadian Center for Victims of Violence to write my story of domestic abuse for their monthly newsletter. She explained that the newsletter is read by law enforcement, politicians and other people responsible for change.

I was of course honored to be asked but also felt the pressure of responsibility that I was being given an opportunity to make a difference in the way victims of abuse are viewed. I wanted to show that victims of abuse are not weak, co-dependent and some how responsible for their abuse and that abusers can be someone you would never suspect. I wanted to convey how my cries for help were ignored and how important it is to believe and support victims. The woman who asked me to write the article said it could be 2000 words and if it went longer they would break it up into two parts, one would be published in Sept and the other in Oct. As you all know I can tend to get wordy but thought I could manage to tell my story in 4000 words. 

It took me a couple of weeks of stops and starts, whole days spent trying to find the words only at the end of the day trashing the whole thing and starting over again the next day

I would find myself typing away and having to stop, watch a video or I would have to lay down and take a nap, I started dreaming about James, not night mares just dreams with him in them. I started to feel depressed. I didn’t know where this was coming from, I have been writing about my relationship with James for 3 years without a problem. I was unable to stay on task, I spent days literally typing a paragraph and then napping for an hour, whole days wasted thinking and not accomplishing anything. I started to worry I would never get the article written, nothing flowed. 

I eventually went to the doctor and got anti depressants, something I have avoided for 3 years, but I had to get a handle on this lack of motivation, I have my application for funding to re educate to complete and it requires a lot of time and I hadn’t even started on it. I had two open houses to prepare for, one each of the last two Sundays. I was feeling overwhelmed and I was concerned enough to consider giving up the blog and abandoning my plans for going back to school. 

Then it hit me why I can write here and I couldn’t write one 4000 word article for a publication and it was the same reason I had struggled when I wrote the article for the magazine. When I write for the blog I take an incident and write about an aspect of the relationship, or I am responding to a comment made by someone coming into the blog, someone asks a specific question and I relate my experiences as a way of answering their query. I realized that I have never had to tell my story from start to finish, I have remembered the whole relationship and written about every aspect of the relationship and even had epiphanies while writing here but I have never looked at the relationship in it’s entirety.

When I got to 14,000 words and still was not done telling my story I realized I was in big trouble, no problem I only had to cut it down by 10,000 words!! and I hadn’t even touched on whole segments of my life with James. I wanted to explain the whole relationship in a way that people would really “get it” but you know what? there are no words that can adequately describe what the victim goes through and I need to stop feeling I have to justify why I stayed as long as I did.

On Monday I started to cut it down and by Tuesday I had it down to 9,300 (or something close) words. I stayed up until 3 am Tuesday to get it finished but I got it done. I had relived the whole relationship from the first time I met him, I relived the excited anticipation of our first date, the feelings of love growing and I remembered thinking how lucky I felt, I remembered how strange it felt to sleep with him at first and how after not too long I couldn’t sleep without him and how I thought I could get through anything as long as I could lay my head on his chest at the end of the day. I remembered how for 10 years I got butterflies in my stomach every time I heard his vehicle or saw him pull in the driveway. I remembered how hearing his voice always made me smile even at the worst times. God I loved that man, I thought I knew him inside and out, I thought I knew his passions and what made him happy, I thought he was always going to be in my life and the bad shit I saw was not the real him; I thought I knew the “real” James and the connection was too strong for either one of us to deny. I relived it and let it go.

When I wrote out all the times he screwed around, all the times he demanded I pay him money, the times he threatened me and hit me or destroyed my stuff, the times I woke up and found him sleeping with his face on the keyboard of his laptop because he had been watching porn and fell asleep and another little piece of my soul broke away. And when I thought about all the lies, the horrible soul crushing lies and how he tormented me with blame, shame and gas-lighting, I could finally connect the two men who were one. 

Then I did something I haven’t done for a long time, I went and looked at his picture. i stared at it, I tried to remember what his voice sounded like, how his lips felt, what he smelled like, how his hands felt, I remembered I always loved his hands, hard working big hands that made me feel so safe and in the end threatened my safety. I looked long and hard at the pictures and for the life of me I don’t know what I saw in him, why I thought he was so sexy and good looking. And I looked at a picture of him and Marisa and I really stared at it trying to, I don’t know, see something I missed? What I saw was a woman in love in the early pictures of them and a woman in pain in the last pictures. I know she thought as I did that she had met her soul mate and was so blessed to have found this wonderful man and I am sure she is thinking they will be together forever and no woman has ever loved him like she does and she knows him better than anyone ever has. That destiny brought them together and for better or worse they will always be together. I realized that the man I was looking at was not the James I knew, not the James I met and not the James I left. This James is Marisa’s James, mine is dead. 

After I emailed my article off with a note saying “I know this is 5 x’s longer than it should be and I give you my full permission to edit it all you want, I just can not work on it any longer.” Then at 3:01 am I went in to check my blog activity before I went to bed and there right at the top at 2:57:34 was Powell River and my heart stopped. Just the thought that he was in my blog at that exact time caused a reaction, what was the reaction about? I only knew I wanted to get out of there right now and clicked the screen closed and went to bed. 

The next night I was tired because I was up so late the night before and fell asleep on the couch. I was awakened by Stella barking and realized someone was knocking at the door. I checked the clock, 11:15 pm, my heart was pounding almost out of my chest and I went to the door and asked who it was and they said, “It’s me”. I stepped back from the door and yelled “Who?” and they said “Wayne”. I felt myself exhale and realized I had been holding my breath; and I realized why I had to get out of the blog tracking app and why it was so hard to write about the relationship in it’s entirety. I am truly afraid of him, and the fear comes from not knowing who I was in love with for 10 years, and because I have every reason to be afraid.

I realized, truly saw how dysfunctional the relationship was, and how I tried to make it normal and deal with it normally and how futile it all was. By writing it out in it’s entirety I saw how crazy life had become, the tiny thread of hope I clung to for so long. It didn’t make me sad or angry or fill me with regret; it made me think, “My God you really are strong, how did you survive it? how did you go on day after day?” and I realized how far I have come. And once again I am back in peace with my life and I never took even one of the anti–depressants. 

As things tend to go in life I went into my Facebook for the first time since the end of July when I started writing the article and there was a message from James’s son’s mother. MY heart stopped and I checked it right away, fearing something had happened to James’s son . But they were at a family reunion in a town in BC. i guess they don’t really know BC and didn’t realize they were at least a 12 hour drive from me because she said that James’s son would really like to see me. I felt so bad because the message was over 2 weeks old. I messaged back that I had just gotten the message and she messaged back that they were home now. I told her it would have been too far for me to drive anyway but for sure to give her son a hug for me and if they ever get a little further west to for sure give me a call. 

It was kinda the icing on the cake and was another reason I was glad I was in James’s life, I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn’t been with him when his son came out to live with him. Things happen for a reason, I believe that more than ever,

On another up note, my cabin did not sell and it is the last weekend of the summer so it is unlikely it will sell now until next spring, one day, one month, one year at a time and it just keeps getting better. 

Oh and I got my article back from the woman at Victim’s of Violence with some editing and what she had done made sense and made it easier for me to edit it and we got it done. Her comments:

“I have read over your story in detail now- WOW! Your last copy looked great! “

It ended up being just over 8,000 words and will be printed in its entirety in the Sept newsletter. 

I am very happy with the end results. Thank God for editors!

Rebirth and Renewal

exactly what I try to tell people who come to me asking “when does the pain stop” , “Why does it hurt so bad?” Because growth hurts, the pain is growing pains, maybe you didn’t ask for this life lesson, perhaps you didn’t need it, but maybe you did. You just don’t know why yet. I didn’t understand why I had to learn that lesson, who needs to have their heart ripped out of their chest and stomped on? Now I think my prayers were answered. I always wanted a purpose, to leave a mark on this earth, to have made a difference to people’s lives in a positive way and not just take up space while I was here. I actually worried that I wasn’t using my time on earth to improve it. I think, just maybe I had to go through what I did in order to help others who will go through the pain of being used and abused by a narcissist/psychopath. I will take that reason because in my mind it does make it worthwhile. Life is the greatest teacher if we choose to learn from our experiences. If we see each stumbling block as an opportunity for introspection and personal growth then no experiences in life are bad. If you don’t continue to grow you become stagnant, boring, narrow minded, and complacent. I am not trying to glamorize pain or make light of your pain or make it sound like I sailed through it because I didn’t. My God I tried to kill myself because I didn’t see anyway to end the pain that was ripping me open and leaving me raw everyday and at night in my dreams. JC taunting me to kill myself, laughing at my pain, no one understanding why I couldn’t “just move on”.
Just as I made a choice long ago to love JC and let this wonderful man spoil me and later when I chose to give him one last 2nd chance for the 4th time; after I woke up from trying to kill myself I chose to live, somehow, and learn something from the experience and share it with others and hopefully help someone enough that they didn’t think suicide was the only way to end the pain.
It made me a better person, or maybe it didn’t, maybe it made me more willing to share who I really was and maybe it made me appreciate me more because I understood me more than ever before. All I know is; birth is painful, as is rebirth. But the pain eventually fades and as with child birth you can barely remember the pain years later and it was so worth the effort. No regrets.

Image On December 13th 2013 I was honored to be nominated for the Narcissist Slayer Award by Kim Saeed, thank you Kim! a link to her web site is here http://letmereach.com/ I never intended to be a Narcissist Slayer, I have never been into slaying anything, I have always been a “live and let live, lover not a fighter” type person. Even when I started my blog I did it more as a desperate attempt to continue living not to slay anyone. You see I had just failed a suicide attempt and had no support system, no one to be accountable to, I couldn’t tell my son what had gone on, I knew he would try to kill JC and the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer because of my mistake. So I decided  if I was going to survive I needed to be accountable to someone. I couldn’t declare on the internet in front of the world that I was going to survive an abusive relationship and then kill myself, what message would that send? So I started crying out to the universe and eventually got a visitor and slowly more people joined my journey. They listened and encouraged and I got stronger. For 2 years every morning I thought to myself, “I can not do this one more day” and every day I made it through some days the only thing that kept me going was someone’s comment on my post.  Some where along the way people started saying I was an inspiration, inspiration brought about by desperation. Now to be honored with a title like Narcissist Slayer is quite unbelievable. I proudly accept it though. I have copied and pasted Kim’s post which you can read right here:

Narcissists need no introduction.  Once they’ve touched your life, you are changed forever.  They literally strip you down to your deepest insecurities and slam-dunk you into misery and self-loathing; all while they skip down a yellow brick road into the forest with Bambi. In Ursula’s words: “A relationship with a Narcissist always feels like a quest. You’re recruited as a hero to save them from dragons of one sort or another. They have so many dramas and stories of dramas. They are male and female damsels in permanent distress. It feels good at first to be seen as a hero on a quest to save such a damsel, it makes love mythical in proportions, you’re a dragon slayer, but at some point you’re going to become the dragon from whom they need saving. They are always the victim in distress and never see themselves as the victimizer. Once you were a hero to them and now they’ve turned you with a wave of their wand of endless illusion into the villain. You are a dragon villain who now realizes that the real dragon villain is the damsel (male or female) who has never been in distress at all, but causes an awful lot of it for others, especially those who try and save them. You can never save them.” There are many warriors here on WordPress who dedicate their time to creating awareness of these devious soul-killers.  It is my pleasure to nominate the following bloggers for their dedication and time spent on the battlefield:

An Upturned Soul

Phoenix Rising

Psychopath Resistance

Running Away From a Narcissist

Human Rights vs. Stalkers The Mirror     – I can create a male version of the award :)

Narc Raiders

Ladywithatruck’s Blog

Elisse Stuart

Paula’s Pontifications

Avalanche of the Soul

“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy–all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” ~ Cassandra Clare

The rules for this award are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them. done

2. Put the award’s logo on your blog.  done

3. Write a blog post and share the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required. done

4.  Inform your nominees on their site.

5.  Share one positive thing that you took away from your relationship with a Narcissist. doing

I copied Kim’s list of nominees because if she wouldn’t have nominated them I would have and each one of the above sites is worth a visit.  I have added three nominees that each tell their poignant story of how abuse affected/affects their lives and the lives of loved ones in the effort to raise awareness and break the silence surrounding abuse.  

All 3 have lost a family member to abuse and are strong women who tell the truth with passion and eloquence.

Shirley, who’s son died under mysterious circumstances yet the “powers that be” declared his death to be of natural causes; won’t be silenced until she gets “Justice for Raymond”. http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com/

Her strength and determination inspire me, she is a wonderful woman and mother.

Noeleen, another wonderful mother, whose own mother committed suicide on her 5th or 6th birthday (sorry Noeleen, I should remember) leaving her and her siblings to be raised by her alcoholic abusive father. Noeleen writes from the heart and with such honest emotion I rarely read one of her posts without shedding a tear, fitting since her blog name is Words Fall From My Eyes and can be found here http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/  She chronicles raising her son as a single mom struggling with the after effects of being raised without a mother and at the hands of a cruel alcoholic father.

Then last but certainly not least is my dear friend Kim,  who offers support and resources for victims of domestic violence at her site My Inner Chick which can be found here http://myinnerchick.com/ I don’t recall how I found her site in the first place, but once I did I spent hours reading her posts and sobbing uncontrollably as I read post after post where she shared her feelings (God, the word feelings just doesn’t do justice to what this woman shares) as she struggles to deal with the death of her sister who, only days before her divorce was to be final; was murdered in cold blood by her husband who then killed himself.

All three women inspire me and motivate me to tell my story, to not be silent any more.

Share something positive from the relationship with a narcissist.

You might be surprised to hear there were many positive things that came out of that 10 years, and although I could have done without the experience thank you very much, I have no regrets and if given the choice would do it again. I know you are thinking I must be crazy to willingly do it again. Of course knowing what I know today the relationship never would have lasted a month. But I will tell you why I feel this way.

As I said at the start, I was suicidal after JC discarded me, the abuse had gotten so bad in the last year of the relationship I truly was near crazy, I don’t think I could have been any more broken than I was. I get nauseous to think about how absolutely desolate, hopeless, and ……….broken (there is no other word for it) I was. He had stripped me of my faith in; God, a fair world, my family, myself, I had no self-esteem, no money, my work truck sabotaged by him, no possessions, he had either broken them or destroyed them, my teeth were rotten, I was a shell of the beautiful vibrant woman I had been when I met him, and he blamed/blames me for my own pain. To quote him  “After all it is your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back. Every time I got away with something I thought, what else can I get away with.”

I quite literally felt like a puzzle that had been dropped on the floor and the pieces had scattered everywhere and I had to slowly pick up a piece and see where it fit or if it fit. I had pieces from my childhood, my life before JC, from other relationships, my life as a parent, the things JC told me about myself, things I knew to be true about me and lies I had told myself and future dreams that were shattered. It has taken two years but I think the puzzle is about complete, yet just this week I had another revelation about myself.

I was forced to look at myself, blood guts and gore and decide what I wanted to keep, what was mine to own and what never was mine to carry and put myself back together and what I came up with is …….. a person I like, and admire and am proud to be. I have never been more in tune with myself or others, never more empathetic, never more protective of myself (without being cynical). I no longer ask for respect, I demand it without apology, I discovered I am an artist, I rediscovered my joy of writing and talent for expressing myself through writing, I make no apologies for being me or taking up space on this earth. I know in my heart and with my whole being that I am a good person and never deserved to be treated badly by anyone, ever and never will allow it again. I am ever so grateful for so many blessing that I took for granted before. Plus I always had a nagging need to find my purpose for being here, I wanted to leave the world a better place for me being here. I know not everyone is plagued by needing to have a “purpose” but It really bothered me at different times in my life, I now feel I am making that different, that in some small way I have changed to world for the better. If one woman’s life was saved or even if her sanity, that changes the lives of her children and their children, butterfly effect. So that is the positive that came out of the horror show. I don’t think I would have ever reached this level of personal growth had I not had to put myself back together. If I would have had a man in my life it never would have happened because I would have relied on him to define me. The end. 🙂

My Headless Friend

Taken Thanksgiving 2012

Just wait until my teeth are fixed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My headless friend is a really good friend who drives transport and was in town Monday so a few of us met for coffee. I met my HF when JC and I were living in WalMart parking lot, he had seen JC’s tractor and had come over and said hi. JC called me saying I had to come to the Best Western and meet this cool guy he’d just met. My HF is quite simply one of the nicest guys I’ve met, he is Christian and can quote scripture like no one I have ever met besides JC’s mother but he isn’t pushy about it. And of course seeing as HF was Christian JC was also. All of a sudden JC was all into going to church, saying Grace every meal, and HF became his best friend immediately. (I found with JC he was the same with his male friends as he was with women, he became fast friends with guys immediately and would be calling them constantly, doing them favors, giving them gifts, taking on their views and beliefs and almost idolizing them. But something would happen, JC would screw them in a deal or they would accuse him of stealing or he would start jerking them around, not showing up etc and they would get angry with him)

I didn’t want to post HE’s face without his permission but I like the picture and Lou had requested a picture of me in my skinny jeans so there I am in my skinny jeans trying to stifle a smile. By the way, I am finally going to get the last of my dental work done this Friday so there should be smiling big time in a few weeks. Wooohooo

I had a really good weekend, one of the best I’ve had in over two years. My mom emailed me on Saturday to see if I wanted to go out for supper Sunday. She picked me up and we went to the Dewdney Pub and had a really excellent turkey dinner. My HF called Saturday to see if I wanted to get together on Monday with him and 2 other guys. So Monday afternoon I had a good couple hours visit with them and then went to visit another friend. She had mail for me from the trailer park and there was a cheque from the coop for me for $125.

My weekends are usually so depressing and long weekends even worse but I felt great. I gave myself a French manicure, talked to my son, my cousin, text messaged my contact list to say Happy Thanksgiving, JC’s sister Denise dropped in on my blog and commented on my post ” Poverty is For Other People” saying it was really well done. I was so touched her took the time to comment.

None of that is that special, do you wanna know what made it really special?
I didn’t talk about JC all weekend except in casual passing. HF asked if I had talked to him lately because JC never returns his phone messages or emails and I just said, “No but his step dad called me the other day to see if I’d tslkrx to him because he isn’t returning their calls either.” I am no longer the “go to person” when anyone is looking for JC, That in itself felt great.

I talked about what I want to do with my life, my new career ideas, my blog, my dogs, but not JC!! You know why I didn’t talk about JC? Because he doesn’t matter any more. He does not control me or consume me any more. I look at a picture of him and feel ill at the thought that I actually loved someone who was capable of the things he did. I don’t know who that woman was who allowed a man to treat her with such disrespect, who thought her life wasn’t worth living because he said so. As we were parting my HF yelled after me as I walked to my truck, “Hey! Carrie, you looking really good!”

I laughed and said, “thankyou! Wait until you see me with my new teeth, I’m gonna be HOT!” and I meant it.

Now I just have to get out of this damn trailer and I will be able to truly move on. I’ll fill you in on my career plans another post when I get some things lined up but I am excited.

Oh! And out of the blue my camera on my phone just started working again! Go figure! Things are looking up, could it be true that when you cut the evil out of your life it makes room for the good to come in? Stay tuned to find out. 😉

Healing Crisis

There is something every one healing from narcissistic abuse should be aware of; I had one commenter call it a healing crisis. I can’t think of a more fitting name for it.

It is a phenomenon that happens to a person when they are recovering from an extremely traumatic event. We have all heard how the mind will block out extremely traumatic events. They find it happens often with young children who have been abused, they have no recollection of the abuse but later in life; as an adult something, perhaps the birth of their own child will occur and they are flooded with memories. They go to a psychiatrist because they think they are having a breakdown and don’t know why.

The same thing often happens with victims of domestic violence. You were in a situation you felt helpless to leave, you were confused, afraid and feeling trapped. Plus the narcissist was using alot of the same techniques used for years on prisoners of war to brain wash them and torture them into submission.

Your mind only allowed you to absorb as much as it thought you could handle.

You might find that as you heal more memories will come to the surface. You will be feeling like you are over the worst of it, feeling like your old self, not even missing him, laughing again, you’ve gotten the spring back in your step and then it happens. Out of the blue you have a dream about him, or watch a movie, or see him drive past or maybe read something here and all of a sudden you are in the pits of despair again.

You can’t believe it; you are no better than you were when you first left him. You are crying all the time, can barely function, you are flooded with memories of him again. You feel crazy again and if you don’t know what’s going on you panic. You had been doing so good and now you’re back sliding, you fear you will never heal and he will haunt you forever more.

What is happening is a healing crisis, your mind is allowing you to feel those emotions you weren’t strong enough to handle up until now. Its a very important step in your recovery, if you don’t deal with those feelings they will lay dormant and could pop up at any time in the future.

Try to just allow the feelings to surface, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do to release them and know this will pass. I have gone through several; the first time I was afraid it meant I wasn’t making any progress at all but I have found that every time I go through one I feel so much stronger and lighter when it passes.

It feels like slodging up to your waist through thick mud; you can barely move your legs and it takes forever. But as you go through it the mud thins and by the end you are in fresh water and the sun is shining.

So rest assured you are not having a breakdown, it is all very normal, you are healing and that is a good thing!

Knowing When To Fold Them

There is an old Kenny Rogers song that goes something like this:

“You gotta know when to hold ’em
know when to fold them
know when to walk away
and know when to run
Don’t count your blessings
while you’re sittin’ at the table
there’ll be time enough for countin’
when the dealin’ done.”

My apologies if I didn’t get it exactly right; its been alot of years since I heard that song but it has been playing in my head lately.

Hal really pissed me off the other day and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I hate, I mean really hate, being dependent on anyone, so really did not want to accept more money from Jim to get home that night.

It burns my butt to not be totally self sufficient and I can hear JC’s voice ringing in my ears,”See?! I told you you couldn’t make it on your own, I told you someday you’d realize all I did for you”.
But he was wrong, I see all the things he did to me not what he did for me.

When Hal started accusing me of avoiding him, demanding to know how much I was getting for the truck, and talking over me when I was talking and then getting angry with me for not shutting up and saying I was talking over him. I found myself getting frustrated because he was twisting my words and refusing to understand what I was saying. Then it hit me; I don’t have to put up with this any more from anyone, ever again. I know what is fair, I know what is right, and I know when I am being played for a sucker.

I was frustrated, crying and angry but I took control of the situation.  I know he is bad mouthing me and you know what? I really don’t give a shit, I don’t have time for that kind of highschool bullshit. Yeah he’s got $350 of my hard earned money and I got the “shaft” (excuse the pun I couldn’t resist) Like I said to Hal that night, “If I wanted to get screwed over I would have called JC.  I don’t need to go looking for assholes. You knew the position I was in financially and you took advantage of it. I am done with you. You have nothing  to say that I want to hear and I have nothing I want to say to you.” Sure I sat in a parking lot in Langley crying my eyes out, sobbing to the dogs about how unfair life is and asking them ,”what do I do now?”

Then I saw the dumpster behind me and thought, “Nothing like digging in a dumpster to take a girl’s mind off her troubles.” I got a really nice vase, a tall one, you know they’re about 2 & 1/2 feet tall? the kind that sits on the floor with tall grasses in it. It has a $60 price tag on it and I can’t find a thing wrong with it. I also found the cutest Halloween decoration, a Styrofoam pumpkin head with a top hat that just needs a bit of glue, priced at $25. Three nice sweat shirts, 3 cardigans; a white one, blue one and a black one and they all fit me. A few blouses and a dress and jacket in an oriental design I haven’t tried on yet. I also got some really nice smelling vanilla hand soap in a pretty clear glass pump dispenser that I gave to my girl friend and she loves,  she also picked out a glass flower ornament that she liked.

When Jim called to say he was in Langley I was already asleep with my head on Laila, one good thing about really bad times; you know a night sleeping in the truck isn’t going to kill you. The worst thing that happens is you don’t have a toothbrush in the morning, your contacts are stuck to your eyes because you slept with them in and you kinda look like a raccoon because your mascara is smudged.

Sure I fell into a depression the next day and wasted most of the day feeling sorry for myself and when every one told me I should have called the cops and when the guy who wanted to buy it offered me $400 and said he had a tow truck waiting to pick it up I told everyone, “I can’t talk about it right now, I can’t make a decision right now, I will have to get back to you.” and I weighed my options.

I call the police;
I know Hal is an N and I know he’s probably already done damage control, I have a 50/50 chance the police will even listen to me, I have nothing in writing and neither does he so it will be a he said/she said scenario and the cops probably can’t do anything and will tell me to take him to small claims. It would prolong dealing with an asshole and I really don’t need that in my life.

As it is Hal has cost me $850 ($350 I paid him, $300 I lost in the sale of my truck, and at least $200 I would have made on the job in Port Moody I missed and someone else picked up) Plus I’ve wasted more hours on that man than can be calculated because he is always late and if I hadn’t bought the other truck I wouldn’t have been royally screwed because he took so long fixing my GMC and I wouldn’t have had any way to make money to pay him.  I shudder to think about it and it makes me really angry but do I want to waste any more time on the asshole? Do I want him in my life in any way? No!!

Some times doing nothing is really doing the best thing. I don’t want to feed Hal’s need for attention through conflict.

So if I am not calling the cops my other option is to find a driveshaft, buy it and install it myself but that means I have to sit on the phone trying to track one down. Not having phone reception where I live means I will be cutting into time I could be using to make money. I need to make money because I am dead in the water without it.

So like the song says, “I decided to fold and walk away.”
I called the buyer and told him I can’t accept $400 could he do $500? He said he’d ask his son; yes they would go $500. He got a tow truck to pick it up and take it to his place. I said I have to work to make enough money to buy fuel to get the registration to him and he said not a problem. I did a few pickups that I missed last week when my truck was down, now there was even more. So I had a good money making day and got $279 for 3 hours work.

I called Jim and said I’d have his $550 by the end of the day. He said not to leave myself short, he would be happy with $300. I said I wanted to at least pay the $400 he lent me to buy the 1974 Chev. I also owed my girlfriend $100 and wanted to pay her.

So yesterday I was able to buy a jug of oil for the truck, a new pair of work gloves, stock my cupboards with groceries and dog food, and even bought myself a pair of cowboy boots at Value Village for $20. ( For whatever reason wearing cowboy boots makes me feel more confident, when I was still with JC he told me that when I wore my cowboy boots I had an air of confidence about me, that can’t be a bad thing)

Now that I have walked away from the table what are my blessings?
1. I handled it, I didn’t let the bastard intimidate me, I didn’t feed his sick need for drama and attention and walked away with my head held high.
2. The guy who bought the truck got a good deal and I was out $350. Oh well, I really like the guy who bought the truck and guess what! he owns dump trucks and rebuilds antique cars; what does that means? he has scrap! and he is going to call me to come pick up within the next week.
3. I could have spent all day
looking for a driveshaft and then gotten frustrated trying to put it in and possibly had to deal with Hal again today and wasted another day I could have been working. Instead I made almost as much as I lost ($25 less) big deal and today it is all ancient history; I can close that page and move on. It was 10:30 by the time I got to Jim last night but I paid him for the truck and that felt wonderful!!!
I paid my girlfriend and by midnight I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a ice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating a turkey tv dinner.

With that out of the way I can focus on getting my butt out of this trailer and I have a few ideas about how to do it. I’m quite excited about one idea but will save that for another post.

Once I am out of here and have an internet connection I have a new career idea I am excited about and could put all my experiences over the past 12 years to good use. But that is a post of it’s own also.

So that’s all folks!
Like my blog says; Playing with the cards I’m dealt, the best I can. This time I decided to fold and walk away. Next time? who knows; I guess we’ll see what I get dealt in the next hand.

Hugs to you all.
off to work I go……hi ho hi ho.

(written Tuesday morning and posted on Wednesday)