Tag Archives: getting to know yourself

Ho Ho Ho Another F$cking Christmas!

Well, here we are again, but it’s Christmas 2019 and we are heading into 2020! Can you believe it? I certainly can’t.

I met my ex November 2000 and celebrated New Year’s 2001 with him. Oh I was smitten, but you know? I felt something wasn’t right even back then. Of course I chastised myself for being too picky, over analyzing, getting bored with the “nice guy”. And of course he had answers for any questions I asked.

I was struggling with getting back on my feet after a divorce and had just started a new job, had sold my big home at a loss and my ex husband was claiming bankruptcy and they were coming after me, my teenaged son had quit school and was defying all the rules and his father said, “You wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. I was ready for a little pampering, ready to give up the reins and let someone else steer this wagon train, being strong and independent hadn’t worked too well.

He was younger, handsome, made me laugh, he had a good education, no kids, never been married, so none of that baggage that comes with kids and an ex wife. AND he was nuts about me, he had never met a woman like me, he thought I was perfect just the way I was and, I believed him. I knew I was a good woman, I knew I was attractive, sexy and had always had a lot of male attention, the problem had been I hated love sick puppies and got bored with them. I didn’t need a man, I could take care of myself but always ended up taking care of the man too. This time I wasn’t going to blow it, this time I was going to let a man take care of me.

It’s been 19 years since I met him, it took 10 years for him to break and destroy me and it’s taken almost as long to fix myself.

Christmas 2010 he had already found the “love of his life” and she was nothing like me and I was a pile of misery drowning in my tears, trying to just forget to breath so I’d die. I felt totally broken, shattered and I was all alone, my mom had disowned me, my son had moved away, no friends, no job, no money, I was disillusioned, and had no idea how to be me any more.

This song pretty well covers it

How did I get from there to here? How did I find the strength, the courage to carry on and rebuild, reinvent myself, mend my relationships, love again, just live again?

I made a conscious decision I was not going to let him win. I would not grovel any more, I would fake it until I made it. It wasn’t easy because he stalked me for 5 years and sabotaged me at every angle. There were many times I wanted to give up but that would have given him exactly what he wanted. What an ego boost to have a woman kill herself because he didn’t want her any more. Oh I could see it, how he would cry because he would feel so guilty, he knew I was always unstable, he tries so hard to help me. Fucker. Nope, I would not give him what he wanted.

He said no one would want me, well, I would show him, I would learn to be a person who didn’t rely on the love and approval of others to feel I was good enough.

I had been a people pleaser my whole life and if I had rebuild myself I was going to rebuild myself into someone I liked, someone who only lived true to herself and to hell with anyone who told me who they thought I should be.

I didn’t have the energy to live for other people, I was going to do it for me and if people didn’t like me, so be it, you can’t please everyone, I had learned that lesson.

So that is how it started. I learned to trust my gut and not second guess it. I learned to say no when I really didn’t want to do something. I learned to ask for help. I learned to be honest about my feelings, but I also learned to analyze what I was feeling before I puked my feelings all over some innocent person. Many times anger comes from insecurity, insecurity can come from misunderstandings, or shame, I learned to peel back the layers of my anger until I got to the real issue and could talk to the person calmly and rationally. It almost always worked out and I almost always felt better because if I was open and honest people almost always responded with honesty and openly. Not every time, but that’s ok, because when you are living true to your core felt you don’t need everyone to agree with you. You can speak your truth without having to prove anything. You are entitled to your feelings, and so is everyone else. And people are entitled to not want to be honest.

Just the other day I was talking to my son about something I was concerned about that he was doing. I spoke honestly, praised him, but then told him I thought he had made a poor choice. I felt it was important for me as his mother to not condone something with my silence and I have a right as his mother to voice my concern. I also told him he did not have to reply to me, answer to me and I basically knew he would do as he pleased no matter what I said anyway.

He replied with, “I appreciate your concern”.

I replied with, “Enough said.”

And we talked about other things.

I am at peace with it. I am at peace with life.

I am not where I envisioned I would be at this age, not by a long shot. But who knows where I would have ended up had I not met my N-ex. There is no point in “if only”‘s, or focusing on what you lost. You have today, right now, and that is all that is guaranteed.

Sure I can go down the self pity rabbit hole sometimes, but it never makes me feel better.

I always wanted to paint but told myself I couldn’t. Now I call myself an artist. I always wanted to be a writer, but my dad laughed at my writings. Now I call myself a published writer.

I always wanted to be an activist, help people who couldn’t speak up for themselves but I told myself “who would listen?” “You don’t have anything intelligent to say”, “what if someone disagrees?” Now I research everything and say nothing I don’t know to be true either by personal experience or from research. And I am proud to say I am an activist and I am trying to make the world a better place.

I used to be afraid people wouldn’t like me, Now, I like myself.

You can too.

Take this holiday season as the first step to being all you can be. Look at this time of brokenness as an opportunity to rebuild yourself better and more authentic than you have ever been. Vow to live true to you and go into 2020 with 20/20 vision of who you are.

Hindsight is always 20/20 but that means you are always living in the past and looking back.

Look to the future with 20/20 vision by looking at and listening to your core self.

Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year to everyone.!!

I Bet You Are An Empath

 

emathy bear

My Canadian neighbor and fellow blogger Lou, from “Tales From The Conspiratum” had this post yesterday about Empaths and I have a sneaky suspicion most of you will be able to relate to this video.

I have done other posts on empaths.

https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/08/13/empathy/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/12/25/empaths-apaths-and-sociopaths/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/01/03/empathy-vs-apathy/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/02/10/its-time-to-admit-the-truth-2/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/11/28/sharing-your-pain/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/11/06/retraining-your-brain-to-be-more-confident-and-positive/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/08/21/heightened-emotions/

Well that is a lot of reading material! Like I have said before; I believe that a large part of healing is digging into our own personality and how we relate to other people. I want to reiterate that I do not blame the victim for their own abuse, no one is immune to a narcissist but there are some people who are more damaged by the narcissist’s abuse and have a harder time healing.

Some people come in here and say, “I dumped his ass and I am happy he is out of my life.” it makes the rest of us think “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy he is out of my life, how can I love someone who did the things he did to me?”

What is the difference between the two people? the later are more than likely empaths. If you are like me you have never even heard of empaths, but your whole life you have been told you are “too sensitive”, you have always “sensed” when something bad was going to happen, you usually took your own vehicle anywhere because you wanted to be able to leave any time the urge struck you, you tend to lock yourself away when you are hurt, large crowds can drain you and you can only take being in a crowd for so long and then you HAVE to get away and be alone for a while. Have you ever noticed some people seem to drain the life out of you? or cause you to get anxious and edgy. I know many of you feel “dirty” after being with the narcissist.

My family has always said I am “flakey” , I don’t know about you but I don’t take that as a compliment but I bet most of you have been called similar things your whole life. So when the narcissist told you that you were crazy, too sensitive, imagining things; you believed him; after all you have been told it your whole life.

When we met him he pretended to be so sensitive and seemed to appreciate our sensitivity, we felt we had finally met someone who could relate to us and appreciate us for who we are, we felt accepted for the first time in our lives.  After a while I realized James exploited my sensitivity, he would set things up for me to help someone and in the process appeared to be charitable and giving himself but actually I was the one doing the work.

I have always rooted for the underdog, always been willing to fight for the rights of people who couldn’t for themselves, hated injustice of any kind and so when James was “falsely accused” I would jump to his defense. I had a very clear sense of right and wrong and have always been considered a very honest and lawful person, highly respected by my peers, James needed that. Because he lived on the edge of legalities and had blown it with his family he needed to me to give him respectability again in the eyes of his family. he needed to blame the past women in his life for his fall from grace and prove it by being with a woman who would never tolerate lying, stealing or abusing anyone. While we were together I went to his defense over allegations against him more times than I can count. I defended him adamantly and people believed me. After all I was so honest and respectable, he must be also, he became respectable by association.

Not only did he steal my respectability he also got great pleasure from destroying it, he wanted to bring me down to his level, what a great accomplishment in his eyes and then the coup de gras, he left me broken and he walked away professing to be the epitome of respectability and claiming I was the toxic one and how relieved he was to be away from my warped ideas and corrupt way of thinking. The ultimate kick in the gut to an empath.

An empath always thinks about how their actions will affect everyone else before they do anything, we are always willing to give the benefit of doubt because we don’t want to misjudge someone, we want to believe that everyone has good in them. When the narcissist is quiet or doesn’t seem sorry we assign him emotions we would be feeling instead of taking it at face value and accepting he just doesn’t give a shit. The narcissist doesn’t have to work that hard at lying to us because we want to believe the good in him, we aren’t cynical and can’t possibly relate to the things he does. I remember one time going to James while he was in POF and saying, “I try to not take it seriously that you are in POF because I think you do it because you need to know you could get a woman if you really wanted to and it doesn’t have anything to do with me pursay. and you wouldn’t ever do anything about it” His reply was “Something like that.”

More than likely you knew in your gut when he was screwing around or lying but you chose to ignore your gut because, after all you have been laughed at and criticized your whole life for being too sensitive; so now you feel stupid for not listening to your gut instincts. You are criticized for being too sensitive AND for being so stupid for believing his lies; you lose no matter how you look at it.

emapthy

Well quit feeling like a loser and realize you are an empath and learn to live with it and appreciate it for what it is; a gift.

Below is a personality type test that I have found very interesting and enlightening, it also really helped with my healing and acceptance of myself and my unique personality. My results vary between being an INFP and an INFJ because I fall right in the middle between perceiving and judging, today when I took the test I was an INFP which comprises only 4 % of the population, no wonder everyone has always thought there was something wrong with me and why I often felt I wasn’t understood. For me, finding out that I am a “personality type” and not “wrong” was very healing and explained so much for me. I am hoping you get the same result and experience some healing from getting to know yourself better.

The 16 personalities test