Tag Archives: God

Winners and Losers and Those Who Just Don’t Play By The Rules

I watched a video the other day about an 11 year old little boy with Cerebral Palsy who decided he was going to participate in the longest running race at school. There was no way he had a chance at winning and it was unlikely he would even be able to finish but when he started to lag and look like he was about to give up his gym coach ran out to him and said, “You aren’t thinking about giving up are you? then a girl from his class ran up and started shouting words of encouragement. Other kids saw her and joined in, eventually the whole school was cheering him on and he made it to the finish line.

He was the last across the finish line but in his mind and the minds of everyone who witnessed his run, he was a winner.

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I feel sometimes like this blog is like that, when one of us starts to lag, feels like giving up; the others rally around and cheer them on. None of us knows even how far it is to the finish line, it can be hard to run a race when you can’t see the end and someone is putting obstacles in front of you trying to trip you up. But it is so nice to know there are people rooting for you out there in the big scary world. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

I mentioned that it bothers me to think James might “win”, and it does cross my mind that in HIS mind if he can ruin my chances of a comfortable future, he will have won. Which only goes to show how sick he really is. The fact that he thought it was acceptable when he said that he was a “success” and wanted to help me be a success also; when all he had done was hook a widow with money, shows how out of touch with reality he is and how far off course his thought patterns are. How fucked up his priorities are and how low his standards are. No normal man would brag about being a success when he is living off of a woman.

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I know that no matter what James has not, nor will he ever “win” over me; no matter what he thinks or what he values, he has lost. It is one thing to revel in the thought that a person loved you so much that they never got over you and lived with a broken heart until the day they died. I suppose some people would get some sort of sick ego boost out of that but to purposely try to destroy a person’s future is so far from normal or acceptable it boggles my mind that he would get any kind of thrill or self satisfaction from it.

I will never forget the look of pure glee on his face when he was talking about his ex who drank herself to death and how much she hated me. It was an Ah Ha moment where he revealed his true colors, when he said she hated me because we were so happy for 10 years. For one thing, why on earth would someone be happy about someone drinking themselves to death over them and for another thing he obviously was telling her something totally different than what was going on in our house, because according to him i made his life hell for 10 years. You can’t have it both ways; unless you are a narcissist. Because you fabricate reality to suit your needs at the time. he needed her to believe we were madly in love and happy, he needed me to feel like I made him miserable for 10 years and in order to “prove” to his new woman and his family that it was me making him the way he was. The way he looked at me when he said it, I could tell he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying and he was confused because I wasn’t laughing with him. He had thought I would be complimented or something and I just thought, “You sick son of a bitch”.

I didn’t play the rules like he thought I would, he didn’t think I would ever speak out, he didn’t think would be able to walk away, he didn’t think I would ever put up a fight and call “bullshit”, so he is pissed off. When I had to get rid of my F550, when he screwed it up and it had to be towed, he never counted on me calling his step dad to help me get it out. He had approached me with an offer from one of his friends, that they would pay the towing and storage charges on it and give me a few hundred bucks on top to buy a cheap car with. I know what he was planning. He was going to get a buddy to bail out my truck and he was going to take it. I told him hell would freeze over before a buddy of his got my truck. Then I traded it for the Chevy 1 ton and he saw me driving it, I didn’t see him but he called me, all he said was, “Nice truck”. He was pissed. Then I paid his step dad back $500 of the money I owed him. I took a picture of the Chevy, which had a box on the back and cut a slit in the top of the box and stuck 5 one hundred dollar bills in so they stuck out and framed it. I wrote on it that if not for his help I would have been dead in the water and thanked him very much for his help. I got another call from James, “Good one.” He was pissed.

Then when the Chevy broke down I got the little Ford truck and he passed me on the freeway and almost dumped his Harley trying to get a better look.

I know why he is pissed, because I refuse to roll over and play dead. He under estimated me, just because he wants me to act like the psycho bitch he says I am, I haven’t, I have stayed true to me and I have fought for what is right. It may be covert and maybe no one knows what he has done to me, but he knows and I know and……

I know with all certainty that when it comes to who is the winner between James and I; I win by a long shot, no matter if I die living in a card board box under a bridge somewhere; because there is nothing to be proud of when you purposely destroy someone else. Purposely hurting people doesn’t show how powerful you are, it doesn’t make you better, even if it makes you richer, you still lose. Lying to people about someone so as to ruin their reputation, slandering someone in order to take their kids away, turning family and friends against someone you used and abuse; may fool some of the people for a while but eventually the truth comes out. But even if the truth never comes out, that doesn’t make you a winner, it makes you the biggest, saddest loser of all. A narcissist thinks a lie is as good as the truth and as long as you have everyone fooled into thinking you are a great guy; it is the same as being a great guy. But they are wrong, and the really funny thing is, they are too stupid to realize it so they keep doing what they have always done.

I drove into Langley for my cousin’s daughter’s grad ceremony on Thursday night. On my way home my car started to vibrate especially at higher speeds. If I stayed on the freeway I was going to be home in less than 1/2 an hour but something told me I needed to get off at the next exit. So at the last minute I did. I just took my time getting home and it was after midnight when I finally walked through the door. I didn’t go any where yesterday and then today I went out to clean the car and check my tires. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I checked my driver’s side front tire, it was so close to blowing up it is a miracle I made it home that night. I don’t know why it didn’t, it is in shreds. If it would have blown going 110 km on the freeway I probably would not have survived it. Like my son said, the car would not have been as easy to handle as the truck was, it probably would have flipped. Another uncanny coincidence.

I never worry that James has changed because he keeps proving to me he hasn’t over and over again. I saw a card one time that said, “If you are living your life like there is no God, you had better hope you are right.”

The narcissist better be “praying” there is no God, because when the day of reckoning comes there is going to be hell to pay.

Lavender Laptop

You may has noticed I have been around a bit more, and yes I am back, just busily trying to catch up on posts on the sites I follow and still cleaning up the mess the hackers left in their wake. Narcissists no doubt. Of course they are narcissist, who else does something like that? Who else but a narcissist would overtake someone’s email and play on people’s sympathies to get money? What I found especially reprehensible was that they used the tragic situation in the Ukraine as part of their scheme; so totally narcissistic!! 

Once again I found myself mopping up the mess left behind by someone who invaded my personal space for their personal gain. I had no idea how invasive something like getting your email hacked can be. It even crossed my mind that it was JC because it was so destructive. My email had contained all my personal information off of the laptop I had been used, because before I gave it back to my brother I emailed all my personal files to myself to be held in gmail until such time I got another laptop. Not only did they invade my email and approach all my contacts asking for money they then changed all my security question answers and closed the account. I would have been able to retrieve my account if I would have been able to answer my security questions but of course I couldn’t. FYI, there is no one you can talk to personally at gmail, you can only communicate through the forum and they just keep asking you the same questions that you know the answers to but told over and over again you are wrong. Sound familiar?

To add insult to injury I used my gmail account to sign into most of my other apps, like Facebook, You Tube, aboutme, twitter, WordPress, and the list goes on. Once my email was closed I lost access to all those accounts also. Top top it all off, trying to rectify the situation was made even more frustrating by having to do it all using my cell phone. It felt far too personal to be just a hacker who randomly picked me, but there are too many other people out there who have had it happen for it not to be. So beware, many sites are now offering 2-step verification and I advise everyone to activate it.

So, what is a lavender laptop you wonder. It is that beacon of light at the end of a tunnel, it is that hand extended into the darkness, the understanding ear when you are so frustrated and feeling too tired to give a shit any more. I received a private email from my dear friend Paula from Paula’s Pontifications (I have reposted from her sight many times) she is another survivor thriver of abuse, and she offered me a laptop she had that she said was just sitting there. I accepted, with tears streaming down my face. Within a few weeks it arrived as promised, special delivery. I picked up the parcel from the post office and opened it in the car immediately, all of a sudden my car was transformed into a lavender garden. I love the scent of lavender and always plant it where ever I live, it is a calming scent and even when it is strong it is never too much; the scent was unmistakable to me and sure enough wrapped in with the laptop was scented soap, a sachet of lavender, some lotion and a card with words of encouragement and love. I cried.

The laptop is wonderful and empowering; but more than the laptop; it is the act that did the most for me. From the day I received Paula’s email my life took a turn for the better, good things started happening. Then a few days later I got a call from an old friend of mine, Tina who has moved away but has taken to reading my blog and she was calling to say she wanted to send me a tablet and she would get back to me when she figured out the details. (she lives in a remote area away from any major cities) I cried.

I still had not received anything tangible but those two women gave me so much more than a laptop. I don’t even know if I can describe it adequately. They cared (not that other people didn’t care, I know many people cared and my family cared) they validated my writing, they validated what I do and didn’t want me to stop, and that meant more than I can say. But it wasn’t just that either. They believed in me and it had a snowball effect. They say that a negative attitude brings negative things into a person’s life and positive brings positive; I have always believed that but some times no matter how hard you try you just can not be positive. It is easier said than done, you can pray, you can be thankful but deep down you are tired, sick of the struggle, sick of being violated, sick of being sick and you just can not feel positive. The minute I got Paula’s email my attitude changed, here was someone who didn’t have to reaching out, you can’t get much more positive than that and then as if to reinforce it Tina called. Not only was it wonderful to talk to my old friend, it was wonderful that she accepts the new me. 

Lets face it, I am not the person I once was, deep down yes I am but in so many ways I am not and yet she still loves me and accepts me for who I am today. More validation. 

I like myself more than I ever have in my life but it still feels good to have someone else like you too. 🙂 Someone who knew the old you, someone who doesn’t have to love you.

And like miracles happen, day by day and bit by bit good things started coming my way. I had to apply for welfare because I wasn’t getting my separation slip from my brother and I hate to go to welfare, any time I have I end up giving up because of the attitude of the people who work there. But this time the woman was so kind and helpful and I felt she cared, but it is still a lot of jumping through hoops. Whereas in the past I would get frustrated with the red tape, hoops I’d have to jump through and attitude I would have to deal with this time I just went with the flow and gave up control. I could not make things move any faster than they were. Finally I got my separation slip and within a week I had money in my account, I was able to call welfare (and the woman who answered had a real attitude, like I was interrupting something important she had to do) and tell them I no longer needed assistance so they could close my file. (her attitude changed then) I had enough money to get caught up with my rent, (I will not be able to keep my house and will continue to rent it until it sells, who knows if it is in God’s plan it won’t sell and if it does I have to believe he has something better planned for me) I was able to pay my hydro bill and cell phone bill up to date. I paid back friends who had lent me money, and I even had enough to pay the vet bill of the dog that Laila attacked and fill my fridge and cupboards with food and fill my gas tank. 

At almost exactly the same time my brother got a huge renovation job on another casino out of town and my services were needed, I owed him money from the time when I wasn’t getting my EI money so I worked for free, finding hotels, labour out of town, and working on the site safety manual. Relieved to be able to avoid getting more in debt. In the middle of all that the laptop arrived. 

Not that much has changed but everything has changed. 

I was no where near as down as I had been and things are just as tentative as they always were, but for today and this week I am paid up with my bills, I have food and I am feeling positive and able to tackle whatever comes my way. 

There are so many things that affect a person’s frame of mind and for me; my weight is a big issue. I was anorexic many years ago and haven’t even owned a scale for 30 years. When I met JC I wore size 11 jeans. I am 5’11” so I considered myself slim. After 10 years with him I was wearing size 7/8 jeans and even getting into 5/6’s depending on the style. Of course I worked damn hard and that helped keep my weight down also. Well since my last heart attack and without the constant barrage of drama and trauma from JC I have steadily put on weight. I truly don’t mind, I think I was too skinny and everyone has said I look better now than I have for a long time; but all my clothes were getting uncomfortably tight and to someone who has a thing about her weight that is deadly. I was finally able to go to Value Village and buy myself a couple of pairs of jeans that fit and that has had an enormous impact on my state of mind.

I have no idea how much weight I have gained because I refuse to get on a scale.

I have saved the best for last. My brother asked my son to come to work on this new job and offered him full time work and my boy is coming home!! he will be back in BC by the end of this week. I am so happy!! He will be working in a town about 1/2 an hour from where his daughter lives so hopefully we will be able to see her together and maybe just maybe we will be able to see her at Easter and my mom and step dad are planning on driving out there so we can spent Easter together. I will keep my fingers crossed but whatever happens I am just blessed and thankful my boy is going to be near by.

SO, that is the news from my end.

I am back and really happy about it. Now that I am back, I think I needed a break from it all, time to rejuvenate and refresh. There is a fair amount of stress involved in dealing with people who are going through probably the worst time of their lives, it is hard to repeat yourself day after day after day, continually rehash your experiences in order to relate to someone who is devastated. I want to help others but I have to remember to take care of myself first. That is what got me into the relationship to begin with; putting myself last on the list, thinking I could do what I needed to do for me, “later”. 

God has a way of making us stop even when we don’t think we should. I should know that by now.

Hugs

Carrie

It’s Easy To Forget What Is Truly Important

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My son and his 80 lb Bull Mastiff, and if you notice Kato is peacefully chewing on a squeaky ball not the least bit concerned there is another dog in the house.

In life it is normal to take what you have for granted, its hard to remember to be thankful for the simple blessings we have in everyday life when our heart is breaking. We lose the person we thought was our whole world and feel sorry for ourselves. All we can think about is our pain and how unfair life is.

In many cases we have grown apart from family and friends because the N made it so difficult to see them we just gave up or gave in to appease him/her.
I lost everything I thought made me who I was, when I lost my home, that I had worked so hard as a single mom, to attain; I thought that it was the worst thing I had ever gone through and didn’t know how I would ever have a home again.
Then with JC I lost all my furniture due to his efforts several times, either he didn’t come and help me move when he promised, or he destroyed it in anger, or the storage bill didn’t get paid because I gave him the money and he spent it elsewhere. Once he made me leave it behind saying we would buy new and of course that never happened. The first time I was devastated and thought I couldn’t leave him because I had nothing.
But I have a house full of furniture now and like I said I lost all my furniture several times which means I replaced all my furniture several times and managed to do it for practically no money because God provides.
Then I lost all my jewellery, the $4000 ring I had made for my son out of all my diamond rings, the ring I had made for myself to match it; the baby booties I was given when my son was born, JC even gave me a gold ring that had the diamond solitaire missing, and it was my own ring!! I have nothing of value left.
All my clothes were stolen twice!! And I have more clothes than I need now.
You name it and I’ve lost it. I came home after a fight with JC because he didn’t want me to go to work that day; to find all my stuff in a muddy field and him hosing it down.
I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years.
I had money taken.
It got so that I hardly reacted when something of mine disappeared or got destroyed. I lost 4 jobs because of him including my own business that he now takes credit for. I have been homeless because of JC and I have had major health issues because of the stress of being with an abusive partner. I have lived in places a dog shouldn’t live and animal services would have rescued the dog but I was left there to struggle my way out of it.
There is one thing I have never lost and the only thing that is of any TRUE value and that is my boy.

I had him here for 24 hours, after not seeing him for 2 1/2 years and I cherish every second of that 24 hours. To be able to cook dinner for my family in my little home, to sit back and watch my brother, son and nephew talk and laugh was the best gift ever and a true blessing. I am so thankful for all I have, for the love of my family.

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top Pic my son and nephew reading some joke on the internet. second pic is my brother and son, two handsome young men. I should have taken some photos of my son’s tattoos. I always told him not to tattoo past his elbows, but he rarely listened to me anyway. But I am very pleased with the tattoos he has gotten. He puts lot of thought into what he gets and the artists he gets to do them are very talented. He started tattooing himself when he was about 18 and oh he made a horrible mess, he has covered them all up now and almost has full sleeves. One one arm he has Arc Angel Micheal trying to pull a man out of hell and the devil is pulling on the guy trying to drag the guy into hell. it takes up most of his arm. on his hands he has a compass pointing to true north on the other hand he has an anvil and a sledge hammer breaking a chain. It symbolizes Canada “true north strong and free”. He has a French Cross on one calf and a normal cross on the other calf. He has two blue birds on his chest because his dad  and all his uncles have the same tattoos. I forget now what his back says, Its in Greek and says something about a man integrity. He went to Alberta Bible College and could be a pastor if he wanted and could find a church that would take him, he would be quite the pastor standing up at the front of the church with all his tattoos. I bet he would do an awesome job. He used to mentor troubled teens.

I can not put into words how blessed I feel.

No matter what I ever thought I lost, the things that really matter are still there for me.

I can’t believe I ever thought what JC and I had was worth the agony I went through.

Some times a person has to lose everything to appreciate what they have.

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I don’t remember what my brother said but Kris and I thought it was pretty dang funny. and at the very bottom is my sweet little grand baby. No doubt that my son is the father!!

If someone asked me what’s the one message I would like to get through to young women it would be this.

Never value a man more than you value yourself and your family. I can remember feeling that I was lacking without a man in my life and I see it on here all the time. Women with broken hearts anxious to meet another man, afraid they will never love again, if a woman doesn’t want to date people say, “Don’t worry, you will heal and want to date again.” But who is saying that wanting to date says you are healed? I think it is the woman who doesn’t need to date to feel complete, the woman who is open to dating and love coming into her life but does not NEED it to feel complete. I have wasted so much time worrying about whether a man liked me or not, whether I was attractive enough, how can I make a man love me and appreciate me and totally ignoring what was best for ME. Dating sites etc are the “bars” of today full of desperate women looking for a man who will make her feel “worthy” if those same women took the focus off of the man and put it on herself and what she is doing with her life she wouldn’t need the reinforcement of a man to feel valued she would KNOW she is valuable because of what she is contributing to the world and she will be judged by her own actions in the world and not on the man she is with. If more women valued themselves and didn’t rely on a man to give her worth there would be a lot less affairs, and narcissists would have a hard time finding victims.

Before you start looking for a man to love, take the time to love and value yourself. Pull yourself out of your black hole, better yourself, become more self aware, learn something new, give back to the world, treasure what you have, pray for what you need and know the difference between what you need and what you want, and what they tell you you should want or need.  and most of all be Thankful for small blessings because when it all comes down to it, it’s all you have.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie