Tag Archives: guilt

Guilt Is Absolutely Useless-Give It Up


Lately on other sites I have seen women talking about feeling guilt, self blaming and shame for either raising a child with a narcissist and who now is a narcissist and treats you like they hate you.

I just want to say, the one mistake you made is, you chose to have a child with a narcissist. But you didn’t know he was a narcissist at the time so you have to give that one up.
Even if you would have had children with a perfectly normal loving man, you could have had a narcissistic child. Narcissists are born to normal caring people all the time. And narcissists have normal feeling children all the time. It is the “luck of the draw” sort of speak. There is nothing you could have done differently, left earlier, stayed longer, been stronger, more strict, less strict, your child would have been a narcissist regardless of how he/she was raised.
Your guilt is not helping anyone, not you, not your child, not society.
In fact, your guilt is making everything worse. When you are riddled with guilt you can’t live authentically, you can’t live honestly or fully, you can’t find peace or happiness. Guilt eats away at your self confidence and affects every thing you do, every decision you make. Guilt drives good people away.
It is impossible to ever get close to anyone if you are consumed with guilt.
I used to feel guilty about my son, I met the narcissist when my son was 17 and I was with him off and on for 10 yrs. My son HATES him. I wish things were different, I have given my son a heartfelt apology, but I can not change the past. I came to realize my guilt was preventing me from having the relationship I wanted with my son. If I ever wanted to have a close relationship with my son I HAD to give up the guilt.
If your child tries to keep you in guilt as a way of making you feel bad and in their control, you need to refuse to accept it.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else, (whether your child is narcissist or not); is live your best life, from this day forward.
Apologize, yes! And then let it go. And start living your life with total honesty, act like the person you want to be. You can not change the past, you can not change another person, you only have power over yourself. If you want to be loved for who you are, you must be your honest self. And you can not be yourself if you are consumed with guilt. Read Brene Brown or watch some of her videos on shame.
People will fight any positive changes you make because they like you feeling guilty because a guilty person is easier to manipulate, a guilty person is a martyr.
Live a life you can be proud of, be the example of the person you want your child to grow up to be. That is what a responsible parent would do.
You don’t ever stop being a parent, you can still be an example of a strong, confident, wise, loving adult, no matter how old you or your children are. You don’t know what the future holds as far as your children go.
But I know it is human nature that the harder you try to force someone, especially your child; to do or think a certain way; the harder they fight back.
You do not have to take disrespect or mistreatment from anyone, including your children. If you live honestly and true to your core self, no one can make you feel guilty.
If you are in the company of your child and they are angry, blaming, and generally acting like they hate you, leave. I have done it with my son and it hurt like hell. He was angry about the past about the narcissist and wouldn’t listen to reason. We were in my car and I was driving him home, which was a 2 hour drive and we were only half way. We had stopped for lunch and he started in on me. I tried to explain and calm him down. When I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere, I said. “I love you. I have apologized, I can’t change the past and I can not talk to you right now because you aren’t listening. Calm down and talk to me respectfully or get out of the car”.
That made him really angry and he got out and pulled all his shit out of my car. I wanted to beg him to get back in the car, grovel for his love, cry, my heart was breaking, but I drove away.
God help me, it was hard. I wanted to turn around SO BADLY! All the way home I wanted to turn around, I worried how he would get home with all his stuff. (Xmas gifts, clean laundry, a case of beer, tools he had alot of stuff). I didn’t even know if he had enough money to get home, but he was in his early 20’s, and he would figure it out.
When I got home I wanted to call him to see if he got home ok. I needed to know he still loved me, I felt awful!! I had to take a long walk without my phone to avoid breaking down and calling him. It took until the next day but he called me. “Hi Mom, I’m sorry. I love you.”
And I replied, “I love you too kiddo”.
We have never discussed it again. I did ask him how he got home and I guess it was quite an ordeal and we actually laughed about what he ended up going through.
We always say I love you every time we talk and he has never treated me like that again, never mentioned my ex.
I can still get consumed with guilt, believe me!! But I know I can not have a good relationship with my son if I am feeling guilty about the past. When you are consumed with guilt you are always super sensitive to any indication of disapproval from the person, you analyze every conversation, you read a hidden meaning into the most innocent comment, get defensive over small insignificant things, you get angry when there isn’t justification, you conjole, grovel, accept bad behavior, compromise your values, allow boundaries to be blurred. Guilt is the worst motivation to do anything.
The other thing is, your child doesn’t have to be a narcissist for you to feel guilty or unloved. Years ago my sister in law told me she had never felt guilty until she had my nephew, now she always felt guilty! Haha It’s what mother’s do.
All you can do is be the best mom you can be.
You know my happiest days are the ones when my kid calls. I can be feeling like he must hate me, I haven’t heard from him in awhile and he’ll call. He’ll need my advice, or need a recipe, and all is good in my world again. Our kids are our life, but we aren’t their life.
All we can do is be the best person we can be. You do your best and never stop doing your best. You can’t “win” someone over, you have to believe that things happen for a reason and the truth will win in the end. By living your best life and refusing to allow your child to try you with disrespect they will at the very least respect you.
Let me share from a child’s perspective. I always thought my dad was a controling asshole and my mom was the helpless victim. My dad screwed around on my mom, justified it by criticizing her. He would get so angry around the house we all walked on eggshells and my mom always was the fun parent, always the victim, teaches us to tip toe around when my dad was home. But she also under mined me all the time, my brother was the golden child. Anyway, my dad used to try to get me on his side all the time, criticized my mom constantly, cry to me about how horrible my mom was.
They finally split. And over the years since they split I have been able to see my mom for who she really is, she has caused so much pain in my life, I have caught her in so many lies. I now understand what my dad was trying to do, but it doesn’t justify it. He never should have done that to a child, talk to me about his marriage, how unhappy he was; put that on my shoulders. The truth of the matter is, I was raised by two very unhealthy people and I came away with my own issues because of it.
My dad should have left my mom and gone on to live true to his core self, instead of being a person I couldn’t respect. There were many good things about my dad that were obliterated by his adulterous, miserable self. He wanted me to see him as the poor victim and that he wouldn’t cheat or be miserable if my mom was a better wife.
What I learned was, I wanted to be a better parent than either of them. I could only do that by living true to myself and do what I know to be right. Show who I am by living a life where I am kind, loving, charitable, honest, and never blame anyone else for my bad choices or actions. I know who I am, I know what my intentions are, and I always have a choice.
I have made horrible choices in my life, but I can always choose to be better and hope that if nothing else my son will respect the fact that I never stopped trying to be a better person.
Don’t let your guilt make you into less of a person you want to be.

Just For Shits And Giggles

I have not been around much and I have missed you all!! No internet where I am at and I have to drive up the road to hook up to the campground WiFi. I have popped in occasionally but never get past reading a few comments.

I have to do an update post on what is going on, time has flown by and before I realized it a month has passed and it is almost time for me to move again!!

I wanted to do a short post though for the new people who have found the blog. I see a lot of people asking the age old questions; “Why does he hurt me?” “Doesn’t he care he is hurting me?” “Why does he keep coming back?”

The answer to all three is, “Just for shits and giggles.” it is what narcissists do for fun and to feel superior. They get off on your pain! they like it! they do it because it shows them that they are powerful enough to bring you to your knees with pain and make you crazy with their gas lighting, cheating and lying.

It is a game to them, they do not have a conscience, they do not care about hurting people other than the shot of ns they get from it. They think it is funny! Everyone thinks a narcissist needs someone to idolize them, that if they love the narcissist well enough they will be able to keep him satisfied, but that is not the reality of their world. Sure when he is love bombing a new victim he gets off on the fact that he is playing a role and sucking her in, he gets strokes from that but what he is more excited about is, he knows he is going to abuse her down the road and the anticipation of THAT is so exciting he could piddle like an excited puppy.

A narcissist hates being nice, he is not a “giver” he is a taker; he only gives for as long as he has to in order to hook the victim and then every once in a while to keep her hooked. There is no “good side” to a narcissist, he is toxic to the core, any emotion or caring you think you witness is an act.

You will never get him to admit he has a problem and PLEASE! the absolute worst thing you can do is tell him you think he is a narcissist!! He will use it against you and next thing you know he is accusing you of being a narcissist and telling everyone you know that you are a narcissist. He will not care that you think he is a narcissist, it will not make him go, “Oh my God, how horrible!! she thinks I am a narcissist.” and start soul searching, feeling guilty or try to change.

As hard as it is, you must face reality, I am giving you the information would have had years ago.

There is nothing you can do that will change the relationship or him

There is nothing you could have done differently, all women are interchangeable to a N.

He does not have the capability to feel love, compassion or guilt.

He gets off on your pain. Attention is attention for him. He doesn’t care if it is attention from love, fear, hatred, anger, or happiness; as long as he is getting attention and the longer you are with him the more pain he has to cause you in order to get a high from it. Whereas in the beginning you might have been hurt if he had a personal ad, after awhile that gets old for him so he has to ramp it up and go on a date, then he has to let you find him in bed with her, then he will leave you for her and then come back to you and leave you again. He will make you accept things you would never have accepted before, he will ignore every single boundary you have and push you to your absolute limits and beyond. It only ever gets worse because like a drug addict he has built up a tolerance to your pain and so have you. He HAS to inflict more and more to get his fix.

And the whole time he is feeding off of your emotions you are losing more and more of yourself, your self esteem, your confidence, your money, your support system and you are investing precious years you will never get back. Years you could have been loving the people who deserve your love and attention, people like your children, friends and family. You are wasting your health, because all this stress takes an enormous toll on your body.

Please, I beg you all to educate yourselves, read the posts here, it will give you something to do while you are trying to not pick up the phone and call him.

But there are posts on that too!

You are dancing with the devil!

You have been emotionally abused and you are not thinking clearly, you can retrain your brain, you can find the sun light again, that black cloud that hangs over you will go away when you cut the narcissist out of your life completely. You are addicted and you have to go cold turkey, the only closure you will get is to know he is a narcissist and you are lucky to have gotten away. Change your number, block him on all social media, do not take his calls don’t read his emails. Stop the abuse and take your life back.

I wish I could hold the hand of every single person who comes in here looking for answers. When I first started the blog I could invest the time into guiding people through it and I spent many hours encouraging and reinforcing. I simply can not do that any more, there are so many people coming here now, 2222 followers!! wow!! I remember when I was excited to have a person visit the blog one time and then I had a follower!! Almost 2 million hits!

Don’t just read the posts either, read the comments also; there is so much valuable information in the comments, people who have shared their story in hopes of helping someone else. Take advantage of the wealth of experience you have at your finger tips.

And then, once you truly know what you are dealing with you can truly get on with putting your life back together, learning who you are, knowing your worth, and loving yourself.

Wishing everyone sunshine and eternal internal peace!

Love to you all

Carrie