Tag Archives: happiness

Expectations – Do They Set Us Up For Disappointment?

I received a birthday greeting from someone from the blog this week, this woman’s relationship ended one month before mine and she was saying how much the blog helped her to heal. Five years after D day and this is how she closed her message; it brought tears to my eyes;

“My peace is now profound.  I do so enjoy my life now and am still very happily single and doing so much with it!”

Read that again and really soak it in. Do you understand why those two lines made me tear up? 

Some people never attain inner peace, I am not even sure most people know what inner peace is; they are so focused on finding “happiness”, waiting for someone else to bring them joy, being disappointed over and over again when people don’t live up to their expectations. It is impossible to find peace while you are waiting for other people to give you happiness, your worth, your reason for being here. My ex used to blame me for him hurting me; one of his favorite lines was, “If you had no expectations you wouldn’t be disappointed”.  Eventually I stopped having any expectations of him or anyone else and I went numb inside. I shut off all feelings, oh sure it still hurt when he didn’t come home at night, but I stopped expecting him to be home. If he showed up, great; if he didn’t, oh well. His sister even said to me, “Aren’t you pissed? where is he? how can you just calmly sit there? I would be losing it if it was MY boyfriend.”

I had learned that to react only meant I would have to deal with more gas lighting,  more blame shifting, more word salad and just might get me a punch to the head; but worse than any of that…… I would be told how little value I had and that no man would want me or put up with what my ex had and my soul could not take it.

What was the point to getting angry? nothing ever changed and more importantly;  I was not prepared to leave. I felt my happiness, my very existence relied on my ex loving me and me pleasing my ex. Him showing any kind of approval or acceptance had become my life support. 

Is it possible to have any relationship and not have expectations? I don’t think so. We all have expectations of the people in our lives and they of us. The secret of having expectations is to not let them ruin your inner peace. 

My ex used to use another Dr. Phil Type quote, “No one else can be responsible for your happiness.”

Also a very true statement, but it needs clarification. NO, no one is responsible for your happiness but they can be responsible for your unhappiness and if you find you are consistently unhappy with someone it is your responsibility to not let them ruin your happiness. When my ex said his actions should not affect MY mood, it was a cop out. He was taking a true statement and twisting it to suit his purpose. 

It is true that no one can make you feel worthless unless you let them. A victim of a narcissist doesn’t see it coming and by the time the N is making them feel worthless they are so far down they can’t see the sun any more. But once you know what you are dealing with you have to break the spell and save yourself. It is hard, dang hard, I know and I remember having long talks with myself for a couple of years after leaving him. You are breaking an addiction to his approval, it is going to take time, don’t give up.

Keep reminding yourself that you can not control him or his actions, only your own. You can not fix him, only yourself, to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results is a sign of insanity. 

Before my ex I was an independent woman who took shit from no one, male or female. ( I had a long fuse, but once I reached my limit I was not wishy washy in defending myself and sticking to my guns) Everyone who knew me was waiting for me to have my fill and kick him to the curb; I was waiting for me to have my fill and kick him to the curb, walk away. It never happened.

A common lament of victim’s of a narcissist is, “I am not the same person. Will I ever get the old me back?”

The answer is “No”.

It is not possible to sleep with the devil, LOVE the devil and ever be the same again. BUT you can be a better version of yourself, you CAN find inner peace and a whole new life.

When I met my ex I had high expectations of everyone in my life but I worked very hard to exceed the expectations of the people around me. My self worth was very much wrapped up in the approval of others. I loved to entertain and cook for people but the torture I put myself through making sure the house was spotless, the meal was perfection and I was the epitome of a perfect host was not worth it.

Because of my own high expectations of myself I had given everyone who knew me a false sense of who I was. 

I also drank a lot!! because deep down I am a shy person and needed the liquid courage.

To put it plain and simple; I was not living true to myself, I was living up to other people’s expectations of who they thought I should be and who I thought they thought I should be. But one thing for sure, I was not living true to my core self. The only way to ever have inner peace is to be living true to yourself.

People have asked me how I can have inner peace when I am homeless and my life is in such turmoil. Inner peace has nothing to do with your outward world; it has to do with what is going on inside. For the first time in my life I am living true to MY standards, what is important to ME, and by MY moral code of conduct.

Some people don’t like it, they expect me to still jump through their hoops and live according to their rules. We all have to abide by common courtesy rules and have respect for other people’s rights and possessions. I am not talking about being like a narcissist and ignoring everyone else’s rights or just doing whatever we damn well please any time we damn well please. There is a happy middle ground.

It is not narcissistic to live according to your own standards and not accept bad treatment. 

I am not saying to become selfish to a fault, only to stop looking to others for your self worth, learn who you are inside, accept who you are. You ARE a good person, and if you find something about yourself you don’t like, you can change it. No one is perfect, NO ONE, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has some baggage. You are not defined by your mistakes or other’s opinion of you; only you can decide your worth.

I have always valued my reputation, even after my ex and I split I was proud that my reputation was intact. Well, he set about destroying that too and with some people he succeeded in changing their view of me. I struggled with that, a lot!! but when it comes right down to it, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except live MY truth and carry on.

Like someone wise person said once, “What other people think of us is none of our business.”

What gives a person inner peace is living true to yourself no matter what other think or say.

That my friends is probably the hardest and greatest lesson I have taken away from being with a narcissist.

 

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Ten Ways To Be Happier NOW.

I found this article on Maria Shiver’s web site and could relate to all of it. I try to do all these things on a regular basis and I can attest to them working. The worst time of my life was when I was so depressed about a year after JC and I split. Everything seemed to be going wrong in a big way. It seemed like I never got a break, everything, even little things went wrong, people were unkind to me, my truck wasn’t running, I couldn’t seem to make money and if I did it went out as fast as it came in. I was miserable and there wasn’t anything happening to change my mood. Then I realized, my teeth were really bad so I had stopped smiling, Kato was really limping so we had stopped taking our long walks, I was broke so I had stopped being charitable. When i got my teeth fixed and started to smile again and make a point of being kind and giving and appreciating what I had I found the world to be much more giving and kind and I was much happier. Negative breeds negative and a positive attitude draws positive results. Try it, you’ll like it!
Want to Be Happier Right Now? Here are 10 Ways!

Happiness©fotolia

It’s so easy to get sucked into a bad mood. You know it’s happened to you before. Someone in your office is a Debbie Downer and takes down the whole crew. Or you get stuck in traffic on your commute in and it spoils your entire day. I try my hardest not to let these things affect me but it’s really difficult. After keeping a gratitude journal and recognizing the things that I’m happy to have in my life, I’ve learned that happiness can be found anywhere– you just have to be willing to look for it. Even the simplest of things that we experience everyday have been proven to brighten our moods and increase our happiness. Most of the time, it’s the little things that matter most! Find your inner happiness by incorporating these 10 easy steps into your daily routine:

1. Plan a trip, but don’t take one: We all know what is feels like to look forward to something– one of my favorite parts of trip planning is getting to talk about it weeks before the actual date arrives! Just the effect of an anticipated vacation has the power to boost happiness for eight weeks. A study published in the Applied Research in Quality of Life showed that the highest point of happiness came during the planning stages of a vacation. If you can’t take time for a vacation right now, put something down on the calendar anyways and remind yourself of the future trip—it will give you something to look forward to when you’re feeling down. Check out my Pinterest board for a little inspiration.

2. Move closer to work: While an hour commute may not seem like a lot at first, after doing it over and over again, it begins to become something we dread. I just moved two subway stops away from my office and I have to tell you…it’s really amazing! I read an interesting article on the blog the Art of Manliness. It said that a long commute is the thing that makes people the least happy, however, they tend to believe a bigger house or better job will compensate for this—in reality, it doesn’t work. Nothing is more aggravating than sitting in lines of traffic day after day. Move closer to work in order to avoid that long commute and save time for yourself.

3. Walk tall: Don’t just talk the talk, but walk the walk! A study conducted by Florida Atlantic University found that those who walked with a confident, upbeat stride felt happier than those who did not. By lifting your head and swinging your arms, you already appear happier and more confident than those who walk hunched over and looking downwards—and it actually makes you feel happier too!

4. Give to others: The act of donating gifts or services to others results in a “helper’s high”—which has even more health benefits than exercise! Researcher Stephen Post reported that those who spend money on others have much higher happiness levels than those who spend it on themselves. The benefit of doing something for others not only leaves us happy, but those around us as well. Be generous!

5. Exercise: Speaking of exercise — between day to day schedules, it can be hard to factor in time for a workout—especially when you come home tired after a long work day. But if you thought you didn’t have time—just a few minutes may be enough! A study mentioned in the New York Times proved that the highest levels of happiness were found at the beginning of a workout. Exercise is proven to release proteins and endorphins that make us feel happier. Whether you’re in it for physical changes or not, exercise has the power to improve your mental health, along with your physical health in just five minutes. I’ve told you this before but I do yoga for just 10 minutes everyday and the benefits are wonderful.

6. Get some fresh air: The sun can do more than just brighten the sky—it can brighten your mood as well! A study published by the American Meteorological Society found that happiness is maximized at 13.9°C, or 57.02°F. Just going outside for 20 minutes a day can boost your mood and freshen your mind. Now that the temperature is warming, keep an eye out on the weather forecast!

7. Keep a gratitude journal: Remind yourself of what you’re thankful for! It’s easy to get caught up in things and forget at times, but many studies have found that those who are grateful for what they have feel a higher sense of happiness than those who do not. Recognizing what gives you meaning makes you feel appreciation for those in your life– enhancing your mood, your relationships and your overall happiness. Get a piece of paper and a pen and start writing your gratitude list. Or use the Happy Tapper Gratitude App.

8. Sing: Get your vocal chords ready! Singing has been psychologically proven to release endorphins from the brain, resulting in happiness. Singing requires deep breathing, as well, which can help lower levels of anxiety. Even if you’re tone deaf, don’t be afraid to sing in the shower to increase your mood.

9. Drink Wine: I think this is one we’ll all enjoy– wine has been proven to relax drinkers and lower blood pressure. If you’re feeling stressed out, indulge in a glass or two. But remember, moderation is key! There’s nothing worse than a hangover in the morning to kill your mood.

10. Smile: No matter how upset you may be, smiling can help alleviate pain. When you put your smiling muscles to work, signals are sent to the brain to help reinforce feelings of positivity and joy. Smiling can help us feel good inside and look good from the outside!

This piece was originally posted on ListProducer.com.Listproducer.com was started by journalist Paula Rizzo to help people use lists to get their precious time and sanity back, all while getting more done. The blog is updated three times per week and has a loyal following.  Rizzo’s first book “Listful Thinking: Using Lists to be More Productive, Highly Successful and Less Stressed” will be released in January 2015. (Viva Editions) 

Photo credit: blogs.vancouversun.com

We Gave Away Control of Our Happiness-We Can Take It Back

Good Morning to all, it is a beautiful crisp winter morning here. The lake had a thin layer of ice on it for days and I thought I was going to have to buy some ice skates so I could use the ice rink forming in my back yard; but alas temperatures must have gone up because the duck are back to swimming in the lake, maybe in a few weeks I will be tempted to try my long forgotten skills at skating. ( I never did learn how to stop and always skated into the nearest wall when I wanted to stop. This technique may not work as well on a lake and could prove to be motivation for me to learn how to stop on my own).

I suppose I could make an analogy between my lack of skating skills and how people often deal with life’s challenges. So many times we deal with a situation the same way over and over again; not because it is working for us but because it sort of gets us the desired results and we are not motivated to find a more permanent solution, so we keep crashing into walls instead of learning how to stop properly.

Never learning to stop properly held me back from ever really enjoying skating and whenever I went skating I would dread the time I would inevitably have to crash into the side boards and pray the “cool kids” didn’t see me flinch when I bashed my knee into the wall. So many times people tried to teach me how to stop but I was afraid of falling and looking silly, totally dismissing how ridiculous I looked when time after time I skated face first into the wall.

And so it is with most people dealing with a narcissist, psychopath, whatever you want to call them; abusive asshole works for me. We know there is a better way, we see it all around us, people having relationships that don’t require them to skate into walls time after time, continually getting bruised physically and mentally and we wish we could have that kind of relationship but crashing into walls doesn’t give it to us. We “kinda” get the idea and we are participating in the process and even, at times, might look like we know what we are doing and are like everyone else who knows how to skate, to music even! but inevitably we know and they know we are going to skate into that wall again.

There are very few things in life that we have NO control over, we always have some control, we simply aren’t motivated to change what has been getting us by for however long. As with skating I could just continue to never skate again and avoid the whole thing totally, you don’t have to skate into walls if you stop putting the skates on. Or I could keep skating into walls for ever more, every time I go skating knowing that the time will come when I will plaster myself against a wall, or I could keep going skating and blame everyone around me for not finding a way to stop me, or I could keep skating in hopes a man is going to skate up and do it for me; the only problem with that is, if he goes to the bathroom or wants to skate with some friends I am going to be bashing into walls again. Really the logical and realistic solution would be to learn how to stop on my own.

I don’t know if I will be putting on skates this winter but I know if I do there won’t be any walls to rely on to stop me so I had better learn how to stop. I don’t know if I am going to meet a man, I am not looking for a man but I certainly am feeling like I wouldn’t mind a man in my life but I don’t want to bash into any more walls in my relationships.

I think this past 3 years since I left JC have taught me some very important life lessons, being with JC taught me a lot of things and I learned a lot about myself but it has been the three years without him in my life that has taught me the most valuable lessons and taught me so much more about myself and relationships. Not just romantic relationships but all relationships, with my family, my friends, myself and, with my pets. I knew I loved my dog Kato, I knew he was my life preserver at times, I knew I would miss him when he was gone but I had no idea how much I relied on my in my every waking moment, how much I relied on him to cushion all of life’s uncomfortable moments. I thought I didn’t mind being alone, I never felt bored or lonely but I wasn’t alone and I had no need to be bored. If I wanted to lay on the couch and watch TV he laid on the floor beside me, if I cried he comforted me, if I wanted to walk I only had to say the word and he would be at the door waiting, he was my topic of conversation when I was out socially, he was my protection at night (I have become nervous at night and had to make curtains for the window in the door) I would sleep soundly knowing that Kato’s hearing was superior to mine and if he didn’t see a reason to be alarmed there was no danger and if there was danger he would protect me. I recently had to pull out the Christmas decorations and deal with my irrational fear of spiders, for almost ten years any time I suspected there might be spiders some where I called Kato to stand guard and if a spider appeared he would kill and eat it. But this year I had to put on gloves and just do it all by myself and I cried. I opened a box and there on top were the two red and green little elf’s collars I got for him and Laila last year, oh how he hated wearing stuff like that; I knew he thought it was terribly undignified to be forced to wear that elf’s collar with bells on it. I cried.

But Kato was not perfect either, I never truly enjoyed a walk with him because I always had to be aware of other dogs, and he would refuse to come when he was called and I spent any hours calling, begging, threatening, pleading with him to “Come God dammit!”. I have been caring for a friend’s Border Collie for a couple of days. Lady, is a gem, so smart and easy to care for. She comes when she is called, walks beautifully off leash, and is a truly lady in every way. Last night when I went to bed she snuggled up beside me and went to sleep, it was a body in bed but it wasn’t Kato, it wasn’t little Laila rubbing her head against me doing her “Stevie wonder impersonation routine, it wasn’t the same as what I was used to. It didn’t feel “right” it didn’t comfort me like going to bed with my puppies used to comfort me but I wasn’t nervous and if it hadn’t been for the constant need to blow my nose I would have slept soundly. I realized though how much I want, need a dog in my life, not to take the place of Kato, or to replace having a man in my life, not to give me someone to kill spiders but because I need to love some one, something, I won’t find another Kato and to be honest I wouldn’t want another dog like him because I want to be able to go to an off leash park and not worry about him fighting another dog. I know that I could never find a dog like Kato either, he was a one of a kind, partly due to that being just the way Kato was and partly because of the circumstances of our life at the time. I pray that I never need to rely on a dog like that again, that I never again have to sleep in my vehicle or escape an abusive relationship, Kato was what I needed at that time and the next dog will be what I need at this time. Maybe I don’t need a dog right now, I have responded to at least 10 ads for dogs and not heard back from a one so maybe it is not in the cards for me at this time, but I have no doubt that if I keep looking the right dog will come along at the exact right time for both of us.

As I have mentioned previously, I am facing losing my little house and I don’t want that to happen, my brother has offered to help me keep it and that is very sweet of him but I have learned that if something is not meant to be, no amount of money or effort is going to make it happen. IF I can work for him and earn enough money to keep the cabin I will be thrilled but I don’t want to borrow money to stay in it and carry even more debt into the future and continue to struggle and live in fear of losing it. Maybe, just maybe I am not meant to stay here and God has something better planned, who knows? I won’t know if I cling to the cabin thinking I HAVE to live here. I am happy living here, I love it here, but I don’t know that there isn’t a place I would love more and have to remain open to that possibility.

I made this comment on another blog this morning and it kinda relates to what I was just saying.

I try to explain to people who come to my blog feeling broken after escaping an abusive relationship. They want the pain to stop and ask “how do I stop the pain?” and I try to tell them to stop focusing on it, just accept you are going to be in pain for a while, maybe a long while but you will survive, it is normal to feel pain, pain comes from awareness and usually brings the most profound life lessons. Go with the flow, feel the pain, and then let it go, the longer you try to avoid the pain the more it consumes you and the more control you give it over your life.
I have been told I am a strong person and most people could not survive what I have in my past, but the whole time I was going through it I never once thought  I could survive it but every day I woke up in the morning, accepted my day and made it through, every single day for over a year I thought to myself, I can not do this one more day but what was my alternative? and……… with time things got better, and they will get worse again. That is not being a pessimist, it is being realistic; what I have learned from life’s challenges is that they all pass and in their wake they usually leave a golden nugget of knowledge or bring a person into your life that you would not have met otherwise, or an opportunity you never would have had if not for the experience.
I am not saying a person should just accept their lot in life and there is no point in trying to better your life, you do have control to change things that make you unhappy and you should keep striving for a better life as long as you aren’t so focused on what you “think” your life should be like that you miss out on the wonderful things you already have or could have if you opened your mind to the possibilities. A problem is often made so much worse by viewing it has a problem, if you can view it as an opportunity the possibilities are endless.

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I do believe I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.
Unfortunately, it is looking like I might not be able to stay.

On top of everything else going on in my life, it appears I am not going to be able to keep up with the payments on the house and I will eventually have to move.

It breaks my heart and maybe God will find a way for me to keep it but as it looks now I will have to walk away.

Originally I got the place because I had just gotten the job at Ccon and could afford the payments. Then JC got me fired and the stress of losing my job, then the truck I bought with Ccon’s financing broke down and shortly after I had heart failure. I was still able to close the deal and buy a car but that cleaned out all of my reserves and left me without any kind of safety net.

With my disability benefits ending 3 months earlier than I had anticipated I was unprepared and fell behind on my monthly payments.

My brother has hired me but he was not ready for me to start right away and I haven’t been getting full time hours.

I have reached the point now that I owe $350 for the vet bills for the dog Laila attacked, I owe my brother about $700 for money he lent me for living expenses like food, and the $250 it cost to put Kato down, my cable, hydro and mortgage are behind and I won’t make enough the catch up AND pay my monthly bills. In the new year we have to pay our maintenance fees and taxes in 3 equal payments which comes to approximately $400 a month for 3 months. And my car still needs the brakes done and a wheel bearing. There is no way I can pay all that I, plus my payments are supposed to go up to $900 a month at the end of February.

I simply won’t be able to afford it all so I am trying to deal with the thought of having to move.

I really love it here, it was the answer to my prayers. And I was especially pleased that even though JC tried his damnest to take it away from me by lying to where I worked and the management board where I live; I managed to thwart his attempts.

Ultimately he would think he wins again and managed to destroy something I loved.

I envision him reading this and getting his rocks off because he thinks he is so almighty and powerful. He is thinking; that will teach me for turning him down when he offered to make me a success like him; when the reality is that him living off of a widow does not make him a success.

Like I said this morning; to him its all about image and now that they have moved to a new town where no one knows them maybe he can fool some people into believing he is a success but the truth is;

He redefines “loser”, he has taken being a weasel to a whole new level. (fyi JC if you fail to realize it; that is not an admirable thing). It doesn’t make him a man by any stretch of the imagination.

And it doesn’t ruin me, because even if I have to leave here I will not give him credit for being able to take my peace of mind or happiness ever again.

Even if I lose my little dream cottage, and even though the last few weeks have been very sad for me with losing my little buddy and Laila before him; I would never go back to him or be sorry some other sucker is with him because I think of him as a complete and utter failure and have no respect for him at all. He could keep ruining everything good that comes into my life and I will never respect him or fear him again because he is a spineless weasel.

Just my thoughts on this rainy Friday.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

Happiness

All any of us want is to be happy right? How many times have we heard that coming from a victim who finds this site? “I just want to be happy” “The narcissist took my happiness” , “I have forgotten how to be happy”. “I don’t know if I will ever be happy again”.

We have more control over our own happiness than most people think.

Below is a link that might help you find your happiness again.

http://m.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chriscade.com%2F2013%2F09%2Fpart-2-happiness-is-where-the-heart-is%2F&h=iAQEmX_q4&s=1

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

Ever Have a Horrible Night Mare?

You sit bolt upright in bed; your heart is about to pound right out of your chest, you gasp for air, all your senses are on overload. Your eyes dart around the room, slowly you come fully awake and realize you are in your bed and you are safe; it was just another night mare.

Even though you know it was just a bad dream you are too nervous to sleep; every muscle in your body is twitching, your adrenaline is pumping and you can’t shake that horrible feeling of doom that enveloped you. You start to cry; when will the night mares stop. Why does he have to haunt your sleep too.

That is the way I have felt all day, like I am waking up from a horrible, horrible night mare and I have just realized I am safe, everything is ok, but I am filled with conflicting emotions; relief that its over, anxiety from the memory of the bad dream and a natural instinct to want to run from danger even though there is none there.

You see, my night mare is over; I woke up this afternoon from a night mare that has consumed me for 12 years, a night mare I struggled to get out of but couldn’t wake up from.

My cake got iced, my ordeal got wrapped up with a pretty little bow. Its over……..my night mare is over and its ending exactly where it started. It is almost surreal.

Ok, what am I talking about? JC was right, she is nuts!!

As you all know I have had this “Trailer Project” I have been trying to get off the ground and I’ve hit stumbling blocks at every turn. I believe that if something is too much work maybe you need to rethink the whole situation; maybe it isn’t meant to be.

I have been checking the bulletin board at Everglades Resort every month to see if any new places were up for sale. Last week there were several new notices on the board, even a rent to own lot that turned out to be too small for my trailer. I called on another one but it had a 26′ trailer on it already. And then there was an ad that I had seen before but hasn’t given much thought to. A 500 sq ft cabin, on the water, it comes with another empty lot elsewhere in the resort and they want $120,000. There was a phone number and a message saying to call or text message for more info.

The guy that owns the trailer I am in called last week and said he might need the trailer back because he might have work in Alberta. At first he said he needed to be in Alberta by the 20th of Feb. He needed a few days travel time so we agreed I would have it ready to go by the 15th. I explained that I work full time now and don’t have the luxury of taking a day off whenever I need to and it is dark when I get home, its impossible to clean and pack with the dogs there so really I was going to find it tough to get it done but I would find a way. I arranged with Colin for him to babysit the “kids” while I packed up the trailer and gave it a good cleaning. Colin’s apartment is almost finished and he offered for me and my dogs to move into his trailer and he would move into his suite. It was a very generous offer but I so wanted my own place to call home. Then Jim called to ask when I would be done with the trailer, I said,” what do you mean? We agreed it would be ready on the 15th”.
Jim said now he had to be in Alberta on the 15th. I informed him again that I work all day and its dark when I get home; let alone I have no water or power to clean with. He said,” Well how late do you wk?”
I was getting annoyed now, I told him I work 9-5 like most people and it gets dark at 5. I said don’t worry about it, I’ll have it ready by the 10th. I want out of here in the worst way and I want him out of my life right along with the trailer. This whole situation has been another disaster. He only put me up here because he thought hrs could guilt me into having sex with him, throughout the whole time I’ve been here he has not given up trying and I am angry now. If he would have ensured I had water and sewer and not expected sexual favors I would be alot more thankful but as it stands I felt taken advantage of abduction victimized further and now I resent that he brought me up here on the premise he was helping me and it almost did me in. It was so close to being the straw that broke the camel’s back that every day I was sure I could not survive another day. I don’t know how I did survive it; it was absolutely horrific and has cost me thousands in destroyed property from mice and being exposed to the elements. It finished off my business because it was costing me so much in fuel and I was so far away from any friends who could help me when my truck broke down. It has been extremely difficult to work full time from here, the commute of over an hour each way has made for very long days.

Anyway the pressure was on to find a place to put the trailer; but then I still didn’t have the registration in my name because the transfer papers I was given has the wrong name on it and we were having to jump through a bunch of hoops and are still looking at a month or more before I will have it in my name and THEN I still have to get the propane system certified, fix the shouts, and find a place that will take it.

I finally thought I’ve got nothing to lose, I’ll never know if I don’t ask; and text messaged the number on the ad for the cabin. I laid it out short and sweet. well, here I will copy and paste what I said…. hang on I’ll be right back.

Here it is
I saw your ad at Everglades. I am going to throw an offer at you; because I’ll never know if I don’t try. I won’t bore you with my long sob story. I have a blog, “Ladywithatruck.wordpress.com that chronicles it all & will tell you anything you want to know about me. I left a 10 yr abusive relationship, 2 yrs ago with my clothes & dog & have been struggling to get back on my feet since. I recently got a great job in marketing and as a buyer for CCon Steel in Abby. I make $40,000 plus com/yr, have a com vehicle, fuel card etc. I can well afford paments, but my credit sucks. I hope we can work out a rent-to-own agreement for 5 yrs and then I pay you out the balance. If I renege you get your cabin back. I have excellent character references.
Thx Carrie

About an hour later I received this reply:

Hello Carrie, maybe we can work something out. A big part of renting is that we owners are only allowed to rent from May to October. Resort regs. But if you own it, year round is fine and dogs are certainly allowed.
Would it be possible to maybe meet up on Sunday so you can see the cabin?
Regards, Astrid

In subsequent messages she told me it was lot #47. Now this is where it gets rather spooky. You see in 2001 JC was hired by the developer of Everglades as the water/sewer tech. JC and I made a rent-to-own agreement on a house on lot #41 and that is where we had the experience with the spirit, where the abuse started etc. That was where the ending of JC and I started and carried on for the next 10 years.
JC was fired from his position after 3 months (I had no idea at the time that months was about how long all JC’S jobs last) we stayed in the house a year and then I rented a small trailer in the resort and that is where JC ambushed Kris and I. The developer kicked JC out of the park after that and took back his clicker for the security gate. (unbeknownst to anyone JC had made himself half a dozen clickers while he was working there and had spares) JC was stalking me even with the restraining order so I was moving and asked for the letter of reference from the developer who wrote me a glowing letter that brought tears to my eyes. The developer’s Life’s name was Astrid.

I remembered then that they had a run down shack a few doors down from JC and I that they never used.

Could it be the same Astrid?

I found out today, at 1o’clock, I walked up and saw a woman waiting in a car in the driveway of this cute little cabin. I wasn’t sure I had the right place; it looked nothing like I remembered it. The woman got out of her car and introduced her

Belated Merry Christmas and Oh!! What’s That? A Light!!!

Merry Belated Christmas and “WOW look at that……a new year right around the corner”

I thought I would give you all an update on my situation; I have had quite a few private emails and comments wishing me well and offering words of encouragement. I feel rather guilty because things have been going extremely well and I have kinda left everyone in limbo. It wasn’t intentional by any means, but I am still living in the same hell hole and apparently snow and cold weather affects the internet connection so basically I have NO reception at all in winter.

I have a lot to share and I am sure everyone is busy so lets get started.

What has been happening in my life? Let’s see;
Work:
Most of you know I was offered a fantastic job recently and I start the job the first of the year. Surprise!!  I still have the job. I got invited to the Christmas staff party, I went. (that in itself is a HUGE step for me any time, I have never been good at attending things alone and usually back out at the last minute, my son told my mother he is very proud of me going to it alone)
I figure once you’ve slept with the devil everything else is child’s play.

I had a very conservation Ribkoff dress I was going to wear, but my girlfriend very tactfully suggested I wear a dress she bought for her daughter that never got worn; it is the one pictured above. I had just come from work and was trying it on so please excuse the bad hair and bra straps showing. Speaking of bra straps; this is where my life stayed true to course. (for those of you who don’t know me, my life is and always has been full of glitches) She gave me the dress to wear the night before the party and I had to work the day of the party. The dinner was at the Ramada at 6, a good hour’s drive from where I am living. I got home about 4 and rushed to get dressed. I tried every bra I owned and the straps showed with each one, I tried some stick-on boobs nope, I had bought two pushup boobalishish bras and neither of them worked I just looked like a Dolly Parton wannabe.  I tried cutting the straps off of one bra but I couldn’t hide the back strap, I tried sewing the bra to the dress and that didn’t work either and I couldn’t find even one safety pin any where. It was after 5:30 when I decided I had to find something else to wear. I had bought myself a cute little skirt the night before; it is a black mini skirt with a flowing chiffon overlay to the ankles, it fits well, I feel good in it and it only cost me $8 at Value Village. The only problem was I hadn’t planned on wearing it and didn’t have a top picked out. Most of my clothes are packed because I don’t have room in the trailer so I started digging through my packed clothes throwing things left, right and over my head, by now I was cursing and the dogs had each gone to a corner out of my way and only their eyeballs were moving. I prayed I hadn’t thrown out the one top I knew would work with this skirt. Thirty + years ago I spent $50 on a cashmere sweater vest, best $50 I ever spent; and there it was at the bottom of the wardrobe bag. I put on a black camisole with the vest over it. the vest has a v neckline and hits right at my waist which was perfect for the skirt, allowing it to flow freely, it has 3 buttons at the waist, and a rolled collar so a bit of my camisole showed, I couldn’t find any of my dressy belts but I did find a black sheer scarf that has silver threads through it and tied it around my waist. I had bought black nylons and put on the first pair and got a run in the first 5 minutes ($8 down the drain and I hadn’t even walked out the door, it burns my butt to pay thst’s much money to be uncomfortable as it is!!) the second pair didn’t last any longer, I found another pair of black nylons and they fit and didn’t run. I threw my smokes and lipstick in my evening purse at 6:15 pm, sent a quick text to my soon-to-be boss saying I had a wardrobe malfunction and headed out the door with my two buddies at the door anxiously waiting to come along.

While I was frantically trying to get dressed a thick pea soup fog had rolled in and it was very cold so everything had a thin layer of ice on it; including the metal steps to my trailer.
No sooner did my foot hit the top step and it slipped out from under me and I went down the three steps on my ass banging my back on higher step as I went. I landed at the bottom spread eagle right on top of my bag of garbage that something had ripped open. Laila came bounding down the steps thinking I wanted to play and I grabbed her for fear she would disappear into the fog and I would never get out of there.
I picked myself up, threw Laila back in the trailer and took inventory, pantyhose weren’t run (thank God!), skirt wasn’t ripped or dirty, no blood any where, no broken bones, OK ……. dogs both in trailer, I was ok. And off I go like a herd of turtles because the fog is so thick I can’t see the end of the hood of my truck. I am driving all of 5 miles an hour, it’s now 6:30 and my nose is almost pressed against the windshield in an attempt to see where I am going, I was filled with emotion, this meant so much to me, I felt something welling up inside me, I blinked, nope no tears and then instead of crying I started to laugh, I really laughed!!! it was all so ridiculous!!

I got to the hotel and walked in just as everyone was lining up for the buffet, they had saved me a seat and I had a great time! My outfit was perfect, the sequined number would have been too dressy, I met new people, had some good laughs, was witty at times and frankly amazed myself at how calm I was especially after my start to the evening. The owner of the company gave a little speech welcoming me to the company and
said he was really excited to have me bring my years of experience with me and some of the staff that know me were teasing the top salesman that he had some real competition now that I was joining the company. I was very flattered. Everyone got a gift basket including me, the bosses wife gave me a hug and told me they expect me to dress that way everyday for work and I straight faced said, ”Hasn’t anyone told you I already do, the high heels can be a bit tricky but I believe in looking my best.” one of the girls from the office was a little drunk and was gushing about how beautiful and classy I looked and I soaked it up like a sponge. I left about 10:00, only had one glass of wine and felt wonderful! Except for the swollen foot. I guess I must have broken a bone in my foot because the next day I couldn’t fit into any of my shoes or boots and had to wear my steel toed work boots to go to the store and buy some men’s slippers to wear.

A couple of weeks ago I got a call from my soon to be boss asking if I would drive the Hiab truck and do a pickup for them, I said sure. I got to the yard and the truck is a 10 speed with air brakes!! I am taking my air brakes course this 29th and 30th so I can hit the ground running in the new year, hit the ground might be a bad choice of words and I might be limping not running.

So excited about my new job I can not tell you!!!!!