Tag Archives: healing after narcissisic abuse

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

I have been there, believe me. Deep down you know you are in danger but when you tell anyone they doubt you and then you doubt yourself. Maybe you are paranoid, maybe you are imagining things.

Please, I was lucky, it took my sister-in-law telling me he would kill me if I didn’t leave. Maybe God let me live because he needed me to educate people, be there to support victims. I should have, could have died several times.

I was reading a post the other day about Flying Monkeys and the damage they do. I always read the comments on posts and this one was no different. That is where I read the following comment.

I’m going through something ive never seen written about. My ex has fm that sneak into my daughters attic and stay above only the room im in….so who hears them right. Plus they have a newly redone attic that make little noise. They throw liquid on me, use something to make burns on my head. Use something to make me so tired i actually passed out withfood in my mouth. What do i do? Pray. Its been 4 years we broke up and we r divorced. I did divorce. He got everything. Our business ect. I had many hospital stays in our 37 yr marriage. I had 11 kidney stones……bladder so red they thought i had cancer. He was always cold and distant. I am 57 never had kidney stones. Got so bad i couldnt pee. Then just blood……he got weird phone call and i heard him say no shes just scared. He has been abusive in everyway. Near the end i was passing out at random times and am again. Help!!

ML (she used her full name but for her protection I am using her initials, just in case I am wrong) you need to move immediately. Find a safe shelter for domestic abuse victims. It is unlikely the police will believe you because it does sound far fetched. I believe you, but only because I have been there. People who haven’t experienced the abuse of a narc think, “But that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” The only answer is, “because they are a narcissist. They are evil soul destroyers”.
Plan your escape very carefully and covertly. No one can know. Once you have a safe place to go to leave in one fell swoop. Take what you can and leave the rest, nothing is worth your life. I left with $5 and my dog and slept in my truck. It’s been a long haul and life has been tough but I never regretted getting away and now 8 years after leaving my life is anxiety free, and I have good friends I can trust.
As long as you live where they have access to you, you are not safe.
Good luck.

ML, also, if that is your real name stop using it to post on social media immediately!! Do a Google search of your name and see what shows up. Any comments you make will show up in a Google search. If they are spying on you, you can bet they are tracking your Internet activity. Also check your vehicle for a tracking device and get a different phone. It’s amazingly easy to hack into a person’s cell phone and have full access to a person’s photos, text messages, and GPS. They can listen in on all your conversations and actually see what you are doing, even if you think your phone is off.

I immediately got out of that post and did a Google search on her name and the only thing that came up was an Obituary saying she died Dec 28, 2018. She comment was made 36 weeks ago, that would have meant her comment was made at the end of June 2018.

I am not saying her ex killed her. I don’t know her or him at all.

I DO know there are many ways to kill a person, you don’t have to even be in the same vicinity.

There are many ways a rcissist can kill a person; by slowly poisoning them physically or mentally. They can make their life so unbearable they feel their only escape is to kill themselves. (By getting them fired, evicted, cut off assistance, turn their kids against them, ruin their reputation) They can make them feel useless and turn everyone against them. Or they can make them feel (and act) paranoid and crazy. They can badger them incessantly with taunting phone calls, emails and text messages. They can destroy their property until they own nothing at all. Some, like my ex tamper with the victims vehicle, cutting brake lines, loosening lugnuts, the steering.

The stress alone can kill them, a woman leaving an abusive relationship is 75% more likely to get a chronic illness like cancer or like in my case, heart failure. Almost all victims end up with PTSD.

Unfortunately, since I started this blog I personally know of at least 6 women who were killed by their narcissist ex. That is just the ones I know for sure, there are more, like this woman, I suspect their killer is walking free.

The victim is often so deep into cognitive dissonance they convince themselves the narcissist is not really dangerous and deep down loves them and couldn’t really hurt them. They think they know the narcissist better than anyone and can handle him. They think they will be able to talk him out of hurting her or be able to outsmart him.

They also think they can’t live without the narcissist, or they can wean themselves off the narc. Or, they think one day they will have their fill and be able to walk away without it hurting like hell. The narc will hurt them one last time and they will kick him to the curb and never doubt their decision. All lies.

You can not ever be “ready” to leave, you will have self doubt, and he is going to try everything to make you doubt yourself.

As long as you remain in contact with the narcissist, in any form at all, even through friends and family; you are putting yourself in danger.

And yes, I too found myself wishing he would just kill me and get it over with because I didn’t think I could leave and start all over alone. I had nothing, I was 51, I just didn’t feel strong enough, couldn’t see ever having a life worth living but I dug deep and took that first step.

You don’t know what the future holds if you leave, but you know what the future will be like if you stay; and it only gets worse. Your only chance for a better life is to leave.

I am not saying leaving isn’t hard, it IS hard, you are going to cry and go through all kinds of emotions and you will struggle with yourself to not call him BUT it does get better and easier.

That much I can promise you!!

You don’t know how strong you are until you make it through something you didn’t think you could. If it was easy you wouldn’t need strength or courage.

Don’t give up on yourself!!

Don’t let him/her win!

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Recipe For A Really Good Pity Party

I love a good pity party, don’t you?

I hate to brag but I have to say, I am a bit of an expert on them. Perhaps a few of you have even been to one of them; you brought the cheese and I supplied the whine.

The problem with pity parties is; the guest list keeps shrinking, friends all of a sudden are “too busy to attend” and those who have attended a few start to roll their eyes and say things like, “OH for God’s sake! Get over it already!!!”

You start to resent your friends who just don’t understand and you may have gotten angry with people like me who suggest you do some soul searching and personal growth. Why should you have to do all the work of healing and improving; you didn’t do anything wrong! The victim’s mantra becomes, “It’s not fair!”

Why do I have to suffer, work on myself and face the ugly truth when the narcissist hippity hops into the sunset arm in arm with “his” new love of his life?

I’ll let you in on a little secret; 99% of the population don’t ask to be hurt, physically, financially or emotionally. Shocking I know! But a fact none the less.

Another truth is; No pain no gain.

Years ago I joined a gym and started weight training. I had been bulimic for years, endlessly dieting and bindging and I was looking for an alternative way to keep my weight down. I had no idea how much it was going to hurt!! I hurt in places I didn’t know could hurt. There were days brushing my hair brought tears to my eyes. Days I walked like I had a broom stick up my butt because my glutts were so sore from doing lunges and to top it all off! I GAINED WEIGHT!! because muscle weigh’s more than fat. I wanted to quit numerous times but something else I wasn’t expecting started to happen; my confidence started to grow and as my body got used to exercising the pain grew less intense and became an indication my muscles were building. I started to look forward to a little discomfort because I knew I was improving. Another amazing thing happened, instead of my scale being my crutch and best friend, I started trusting my own body and how it felt. Instead of gauging my self worth on the numbers on a scale; I drop kicked the scale out the back door and started relying on how I felt, how my clothes fit and how great my ass looked in jeans. The added bonuses to working out far surpassed any pain. Although I don’t go to the gym any more I never brought another scale into my house. With my heart condition I am supposed to weigh myself daily to monitor whether I am retaining water or not and I refused to ever have another scale in my house. I was afraid that if I started weighing myself everyday I would once again start obsessing about my weight and letting the scale determine my mood.

Where am I going with this??

I found the same sort of thing happened to me when I started to actively participate in my own healing. Don’t get me wrong; I can still throw a damn good pity party and when I do I am all in!! I can throw temper tantrums, scream and cry “It’s not fair!!” better than any 3 year old. Then I take a nap.

The theme of my pity parties are no longer the narcissist but life provides amble opportunity for self pity. After leaving the narcissist it is easy to blame all your tribulations on the N. You get sick, if your ex hadn’t been such aN asshole you would have someone there to make you chicken soup.

The car breaks down; if your ex hadn’t left with his secretary you wouldn’t have to call the tow truck yourself.

You would have a wonderful life if you hadn’t dedicated how ever long a time to the narcissist. You would have a successful career if you hadn’t moved to be with the N ……. etc etc

No one knows what would have happened if you had not met the narcissist. But, unfortunately, in life, we don’t get to yell “DO OVER!” As much as wishing you could change history makes for a great pity party, it doesn’t change anything.

I am almost 60 and you would look at my life and think there are many things I wish I could change in my past. But whenever I look at my life honestly, if I were to change anything I would have to give up something good in my life.

So in answer to your question; “Why do I have to improve myself and learn a lesson from my relationship with a narcissist when he gets off scot-free?”

Because you can.

The narcissist can’t grow a conscience, he doesn’t want to change, he can’t feel, he will never know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally. He is doomed to live a life filled with paranoia, plotting, strategizing, living a lie, always afraid of being found out.

You do have a choice though. You don’t have to do the inner work or self improvement. You don’t have to take control of your mind, your happiness, your life. You don’t have to live true to your core self, set boundaries, or be the best version of you that you can be.

There are many ways of coping with the devastation left behind by the narcissist. You can dull the pain with booze or drugs. You can find a new man and “fall in love”, you can stay bitter and dwell on what the narcissist did to you or is doing now.

My ex had one of his victims drink herself to death. After they split she made outing him her life purpose. For 15 years she obsessed about him, until she died a bitter drunk. I vowed I was NOT going to end up like her. There was no way I wanted my ex to think he had that much power over me.

Victims of narcissistic abuse credit all sorts of things for their healing, God and prayer, meditation, yoga ……… you name it, and whatever works for you is great and totally a personal choice.

As with weight training; I discovered there were bonuses to self analysis and self improvement that I had not anticipated. When I stopped looking for a bandaid solution or quick fix and started doing the hard lifting, I started to notice that the discomfort I felt upon disecting myself was well worth the inner peace I was gaining.

It seemed every time I brought up the most pain or had an “Aha” moment I would feel lighter, more at peace. Then one day I had this incredible feeling of inner peace come over me. It was a rebirth, a feeling I had never experienced before, I couldn’t help smiling, like I had a secret no one else was privy to. I have never lost that inner peace, my health may be failing,  I might not have a dome to my name, I may not like where I live but I have inner peace.

I am not the only one to experience this sense of well-being, I have heard from many survivors they also had it hit them out of the blue when they started working on being their best self.

It is what separates the victims from the survivors.

A victim gets stuck in their brokenness and being a victim becomes their identity. They take no responsibility for their happiness and pain.

A survivor takes what happened to them and uses it as a catalyst for personal growth. They own their pain and take control of their lives again.

I continue on my quest to become the best me I can be, not because I feel broken any more but because I know no one is ever completely their best self. We all are flawed, “becoming” is a life long journey and it includes learning from others, adjusting your belief system, examining your prejudices and judgements. It means living your life as a person who you are proud of.

I love Ted Talks because you can usually find a few talks on any topic you can imagine, especially self improvement.

Here is a link to a few you might want to start with.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/08/life-is-gonna-suck-but-it-needs-to-5-hard-but-helpful-truths/

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Will Survive – But Will You Thrive?

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I have been going through old posts looking for stuff I want to include in the book and relating it to what many of you are going through now. James and I had split in early December of 2010 and in March 2011 I found out James was living with his new woman. I fell apart when I found out, he and I had been keeping in contact and I figured he was dating but he had always done that; when he found someone that he committed to and did the discard I was shattered.  The waves of grief would wash over me, threatening to drown me again.

I wrote this post June 8 2011,

“My gardens are doing well, as soon as the sun comes out for a few hours there are a bunch more blooms bursting open. I am amazed at how most of my plants were dug up 2 yrs ago by me (from the gardens of homes being demolished for a new road going in) rode around on the truck with scrap, sat outside until I got around to planting them, then got dug up again when I moved this winter. I forgot about them and they sat outside for over a month in snow and freezing temps before I planted them, now they are blooming so beautifully!!! Yesterday I grabbed a dead looking shrub. It was a twig sticking out of the ground and I figured if it didn’t have leaves by now it must be dead. But as its roots let go of the dirt I saw tender fresh green sprouts coming out of the root ball, it was alive! Just slow! So I gently pushed it back into the soil.

I guess people are a lot like that eh? You can rip them up by their roots, neglect them, and downright abuse them, but give them a little TLC and they flourish once again.

I’m not flourishing yet, but I think I’m like that twig, I’m not dead yet! just slow, I Just need a little more time, I’ll come back!”

If you are a gardener, you know that when you prune a bush it goes into a kind of shock at first but when it starts to grow again it comes back more beautiful than ever before. Every place you cut a branch off several will grow in it’s place. If you know what you are doing and make your cuts carefully you can shape the tree so that it truly becomes a show piece of a plant.

When they were putting in Highway #17 they had to rip out some beautiful old homes with gardens that were 30-40 years old. I love plants and it broke my heart to see these lovely plants being ripped out.  James, his son and I had just moved to Ladner and the yard was gravel and barren. Things were not going well between us, i was determined to make it work, and he was being his usual hot and cold self, I always found comfort in digging in the soil and nurturing something so I approached one of the excavator operators about digging up some of the plants and saving them. He saw no reason why not so everyday I went and dug up more plants and planted them in the yard at home. We were on a blueberry farm so fertile soil was plentiful, I dug a pond with gardens all around it. One day I noticed a tree ripped out by it’s roots, laying on it’s side covered in blossoms. it was at least 9 feet tall and had practically no root ball left, but it was blossoming.

I had a hell of a time packing it to the truck but was able to crane it onto the flat deck. When I got home I had to drag it to the pond, I kept thinking that there was no way this poor tree was going to survive this treatment. I dug a hole but it had so little for roots it kept falling over so I piled rocks around the base of it, and strapped supports to the fence to keep it upright. That summer I couldn’t believe my eyes when it produced two pears.

I don’t know what happened to the tree after I moved away, I like to think it is still standing there, providing fruit and shade to the people who moved in after us. I like to think it is standing on it’s own, strong and proud.

I draw a lot of strength from watching nature, the miracle of survival. All living things have an amazing capacity for healing, an instinct of survival, whether it is a plant, animal or person; we all have a drive to survive that often defies what we think is possible.

My first husband had a terrible motorcycle accident when my son was 5 weeks old. He spent 10 weeks clinging to life in the ICU ward of Vancouver General Hospital. Never in that 10 weeks did they give him more than 3 hours to live. I went everyday and even though he was in a drug induced comma and didn’t even know I was there; I whispered in his ear that he had to live, he had a baby at home, he had me and not to give up. Finally they came to me and said there was nothing more they could do. The antibiotics were killing off his good blood cells and they suggested taking him off life support and just keeping him comfortable. I agreed. They took him off the respirator and we waited …….. he took a breath, and another. Within a week his body managed to fight the infection raging through his body and he was out of ICU. He was skin and bones but against all odds his body rallied and he was going to live.

The head surgeon of the Intensive Care Unit took me into a private room on the day he was moved to a ward and she said that there was no medical reason for him to be alive. She credited me with “willing him to live”. She had never witnessed anything like it in her whole career and they were going to be studying his case in an attempt to figure out how he lived.

He was a different man after the accident and I was different too, both scarred and drained and we split.

I spent most of Kris’s life worrying that something would happen to him, I worried myself sick, had panic attacks when he was out of my sight because I so afraid of losing him. I went to counseling, dealt with issues pertaining to my dad and my childhood. I thought I had healed  and I guess I had healed many wounds, I gave up being anorexic, I learned how to communicate effectively and I carried on. I thought I would never love like that again and married and divorced the wrong man because I had given up on ever finding that kind of love with someone, until I met James.

I was determined to make it work with James, everything I had been through, all the pain and suffering had been leading up to James and he felt the same. It was meant to be. I loved loving him and I was not giving up on him, on us. A love like that could overcome anything and I knew without a doubt that he loved me just as much as I loved him and if my love could save my first husband then sure as hell I could save James. I had proven to myself and everyone who knew me how strong and capable I was. I loved James fearlessly, with every fiber of my being and believe me, when he discarded me the pain and sense of loss was unbearable. I was totally and utterly destroyed. I would tell myself; you are a survivor, but there was not one part of me that believed it. I had never tried to kill myself before but I could not find one reason good enough to make me want to live, not even my son.

I have struggled for almost 5 years to get back on my feet and dammit I get tired some days and I still don’t know how I will put food on the table next week, I still can’t pay my rent, but every day I am thankful to be alive. Every time someone comes in here and thanks me for being here and starting this blog, I know I am making a difference by being here, in the world. I am not just taking up space. I have turned the most painful experience of my life into something positive and I have done more inner growth than I ever would have without the experience. I would not turn back time and change things if I could because I cherish every minute of my life, even the bad times because they all make me what I am and brought me here. I am so blessed to have my son, my family, I cry almost daily, not out of despair but out of sheer gratitude. I am so grateful that I have been given the time with my son to make up for all the time I didn’t make him a priority because I was so consumed with my own pain.

I am not saying to bury your pain and not deal with it. I AM saying you WERE a victim, whether you choose to stay a victim or not is totally your choice. There are things you can do to help the healing process along and there are things you can do to stay a victim. You WILL survive, you choose how you will live the rest of your life. It IS a choice, you do have control of your thoughts, your actions and your life. It takes time to put the pieces together, it seems overwhelming but do it one step at a time. You will find people are a lot more understanding when they see you are trying to heal and not wallowing in self pity. I am NOT  saying you can’t grieve, and I had many pity parties throughout the last 5 years, I even planned them, bought wine to drink while I had them.

I fought with the phone, sitting there with his number on my display and my finger over the “send” button and went to bed instead and in the morning I never regretted that I didn’t call. Next time you want to call your ex ask yourself what is it you want to achieve from the call. What do you hope to gain? is it going to make you feel better? what could he say that would make the pain go away? That he is sorry? that it is all his fault? then you would want to go back to him because you would think he had changed. But you know he won’t change. Is there something you need to tell him that you haven’t already said a hundred times? a new way to describe the pain you are in? Do you think he is going to care? and if he did care, what could he do to make it better? I know you want him to understand and feel bad that he caused you so much pain, you think that if you could tell him it would some how take the pain from you and put it on him, he could pack some of it. But he does know, he did it because he wanted to hurt you, he doesn’t care. You know as well as I do that he will blame you, reject you and hurt you again. So why do it? Because being in pain means he is still in your life. You now equate the pain with love. His silence signifies he doesn’t care but if he gets angry, hurls insults, he still cares. You have to want to stop hurting. It is scary because you have hurt for so long you are afraid you don’t know how to be happy and the happy doesn’t come immediately. But it will come. I promise.

So when I say, be patient with yourselves, please listen!! Of course you don’t like being in pain and you want to be healed so you can move on with your life. So many times I hear victims saying the exact same things I did. “But I loved him/her more than I have ever loved anyone.” “I thought we were soul mates”, “He/she was so cruel.” I used to think “no one understood how bad I was hurting, how could they? Not many people have an opportunity to love as intensely as I did. Maybe their experiences were painful but I can barely even function, no one understands, it was different with James and I.”

We can’t imagine anyone else hurting that bad, we are shocked that a person CAN hurt that badly, it’s scary. I thought at times that surely it would kill me. I had lost all faith in there being a God or any fairness in the world at all, like I have said many many times, everyday for almost 2 years I woke up and said, “I can not do this one more day” and every night I hoped I died in my sleep, and I woke up every morning and I did it again. I not only had a broken heart, my business was destroyed, I was living in a trailer with no heat or running water for a year where the dog’s water dish froze in the inside the trailer in winter. I could see my breath it was so cold and I was alone, all alone. And he was trying to destroy the only thing I had left, my good reputation and any means of me supporting myself. I am not trying to say I hurt any worse than anyone else because I have heard horrendous stories here of what victims have gone through and we all have our own personal definition of hell and we all heal at our own speed,  We also choose what we do with the experience.

I have seen victims come in here years after being abused by a narcissist, full of anger, still clinging to their hatred and pain like a life line. They can only see what they lost, they take no responsibility for their part in it, forever a victim of the evil narcissist, forever bitter and lonely. Or there are other victims who bury their pain, immediately go out to find someone who can heal their pain, and they end up meeting narcissist after narcissist and every time they are broken even more because they never dealt with the original hurt and don’t understand that no one else can give you worth and as long as you believe they can, you are setting yourself up to be hurt over and over.

When you derive your self worth from someone else it is always a tenuous state of mind, every time the other person shows any unhappiness over something you did, even the slightest innocent comment can send you spiraling in depression and feelings of low self esteem. You can never truly be yourself because you are so busy trying to figure out how to win the approval of the other person. You don’t feel attractive unless they say you look nice, you second guess everything about yourself and need constant reinforcement. Happiness is always precarious and the pressure on the person in your life is suffocating because they end up being afraid to say anything in case they offend you. Perhaps they even leave you because they can’t handle you always taking the temperature of the relationship and they feel they can’t be themselves and just have a bad day without dealing with your insecurities.

I have always tried to find the lesson in anything that happens in life, otherwise what was it all for? Personally, I could not live with the thought that a 10 year relationship was a waste of time, that all this pain was for nothing, and I couldn’t go the rest of my life hating someone and trusting no one.  Like many of you I could find tons of reason why I could not go no contact and every time I did have contact I came on here and cried “Why does he have to keep hurting me??” and then someone asked me, “Why do you keep letting him?” I admit I was hurt, I was indignant, how dare they say I let him hurt me! I didn’t want him to cheat on me, use me, abuse me, I was an innocent victim!

At some point we have to take responsibility for our own pain and our own healing. There are victims  like James one ex who spent the next 25 years, until she drank herself to death; obsessing about what he was doing, keeping tabs on him, staying in touch, and I am sure crying why me, when she got off the phone. I swore I was never going to give him the satisfaction of being able to destroy me but he had done a pretty good job of it. I had a lot to overcome and I am still dealing with the aftermath of being with him and his sick vindictiveness, but I have found my self worth and inner peace and he can never destroy that. Once a person knows their value and believes in themselves no one can take that away and that is something he will never have and I know it eats away at him that he was not able to break me and I didn’t have to find someone else to heal me or fix my life, I did it all on my own.

He came to me after he got with his new woman and said he was a success and he wanted to help me be successful also. The arrogance!! I said, “You are not a success James. You were successful in snagging a widow with money. You did not earn that money, her husband was successful and her husband made sure she would never have to worry or work a day in her life, he must be rolling over in his grave watching you spend it. That is not success James, not in my books.” He was shocked.”

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