Tag Archives: healing

Forgiveness and Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

I commented on a friend’s Facebook post that argued people are wrong to tell the victim of a narcissist that they must forgive the narcissist in order to heal. I agreed and called bullshit!! on forgiveness. This was my comment.

I think sometimes some good old hatred is needed in order to heal and move on. Forgiveness is great with normal healthy people who hurt us. The people capable of truly being sorry and changing. That is what forgiveness is based on in my mind. God knows we all make mistakes and all deserve to be forgiven because we can make amends for our mistakes. But with a narcissist you are dealing with a disordered person who is incapable of ever changing or making amends because he/she does not feel like a normal person. They don’t feel guilt, they are disabled emotionally, they only want forgiveness to use it against you. How can you forgive a lie? A mirage? A hologram?
The only forgiveness needed is for the victim. People who love a victim of a narcissist need to forgive the victim and the victim needs to forgive themselves because no one goes looking to be abused. If they would have known what he was they would not have chosen to be abused. My biggest struggle has been to forgive myself.
On the other hand; it is not healthy to carry hatred and to seek revenge on the narcissist. Hatred and revenge involves obsessing about the narc. Blotting and planning. Consequently putting far too much attention on the narcissist and that is his goal. He would love nothing more than for the victim to spend the rest of their life hating the narcissist. Plus it is counter productive to healing and moving on. Trying to find forgiveness is also counter productive because either way the victim is thinking about the narcissist embedding him deeper in their brain making it even harder to forget him. (Not that we ever truly forget him) the best thing a victim can do is get to know themselves intimately and live true to their core self. To learn to set boundaries in ALL their relationships, to honor their own values and standards and not believe the lies they have been told about themselves for their whole life. Embrace their sensitivity, they are not wrong or defective because they feel and care more than most people. They are rare and special and are needed in the world. They just have to learn how to protect themselves

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3 Million Hits

Three Million Hits!! Compared to many blogs out there, 3 million is no big deal when they are spread out over almost 7 yrs, but for me it is mind blowing that, that many people found value in what I had to say. The fact that I have almost 3000 followers who actually signed up for more posts from me is equally unbelieveable! As I have said before; when I first started my blog my only hope was that some day, some random woman would be searching the net trying to figure out, “what the hell happened to me?”, stumble upon my blog and know she is not alone. 

My tag line at the time was something like; “I don’t know where I am going but you are welcome to join me on my journey to find answers.”

It took a few months before I even had one hit; and that almost gave me an anxiety attack! It was fine and dandy as long as no one was actually reading what I wrote. I started to realize I was far from alone with my pain and confusion, I was getting hits from all corners of the world, from straight people to gay, rich and poor, young and old, religious and atheist, men and women; there was an epidemic world wide!! And there weren’t a lot of people talking about it, not honestly, there were blogs that told you what to do, leave. But no one was talking about the insanity of living with a narcissist, the roller coaster ride of emotions, gas lighting, manipulation and how absolutely helpless the victim feels. I remember the first time I decided to share some of the absolutely bizarre things my ex did; I was so afraid everyone would think I was crazy, lying, or deserving of the abuse I received, but the response I got was the exact opposite! I had more comments than ever before, people saying, “OMG! That happened to me too” or “It’s like you lived my life”.

It seemed the more personal experienced I shared the more people could relate to what I was saying and I felt an even greater responsibility to speak honestly and openly AND to not give up on my journey to find answers and ultimately heal myself. I couldn’t very well kill myself when I had all these people coming to me for answers, I didn’t want anyone to think dying was the answer. 

I look back now over the almost 7 years since I started this journey and I am amazed at; how my life has changed, how much I have grown, how much I have learned about myself and other people, and how rewarding the blog has been and how my attitude has changed from 7 years ago. I no longer think of my ex as the worst thing that ever happened to me and now view him as the catalyst to one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I believe he ever had any intention of being a positive influence in my life. I give myself credit for turning a negative into a positive and not allowing him to destroy me as he intended.

It has been a gradual thing and I have had my obstacles along the way that I can’t blame on my ex, but I learned one very important thingthrough the blog, I can be totally honest about my mistakes, voice my honest opinion and I am accepted and even liked for who I am. I never knew inner peace, no matter how strong I had been or obstacles I over came prior to meeting my ex; I never had true inner peace and had always struggled with self doubt.  I learned one very important truth through all this, self doubt comes from not living true to your core self, it comes when we try to be someone we are not, someone we think other people want us to be, because we feel like an impostor. I also learned that I don’t want to change who I am, I may not like everything about myself but I am a work in progress and I will strive to be a better person until the day I die. I also learned that we all screw up and we can all make amends, get back on the horse, forgive ourselves and make tomorrow a fresh start. Living with regret serves no useful purpose, learn from the past, yes; but to dwell on the past only ruins your future and to worry about the future and what might happen ruins your today. 

I had always worried I would never find my purpose for being here. Finding their purpose is not something everyone concerns themselves with but I feel I my purpose is the same as everyone’s purpose, be the best person I can be and help others if I can; by sharing my experiences and what I have learned. 

I was afraid that when I was unable to post to the blog it would die and fade away, but it continues to grow (albeit at a slower pace) and attract followers. Just the other day I received another thank you from someone who was helped by the blog. I always appreciate hearing from people who were helped in some way but as with any time I give, whether it is money, time or compassion; over the years I have received so much more back.

So today I want to thank you, my followers and readers. Thank you for sharing your story, for your support, (emotionally and financially) throughout the years. Thank you for coming along on my journey. Although I would say I am healed, my journey continues because it is a life long journey of self discovery and acceptance.

I was with Stella yesterday and she was laying in the sun. Some people were walking by andshe got up to greet them. They said what a lucky dog she is to have a mom a who provides her such a good life. I replied that she has never known anything else and probably doesn’t fully appreciate how good she has it. I thought for a second and added, “her momma has it pretty good also”.  I may not like where I live, I may not be where I had thought I would be at this age but all in all, right now; my life is good.  I always think about the serenity prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

Courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

5 Surprising Lessons I Learned From Being Discarded By A Narcissist

Right now, after being dumped by a narcissist you don’t know how you will survive, the pain is all consuming, like someone ripped out a vital organ, a part of you is missing. He goes off romancing his new “love of his life” and you are left with your life in pieces at your feet.

There was a time that you were the love of his life, that you were the love who was going to save him after all the psycho ex’s who had taken him for granted and hurt him. You were going to make his pain go away and prove YOU weren’t like all the rest. Just like all the rest had done.

It is hard to accept that you were nothing special to him, just another in a long line of psycho bitches that made his life hell, after you gave him unconditional love even when he treated you like dirt and abused you in every way possible.

There are 5 things you might not believe right now but will discover down the road.

1, You WILL survive. People survive much worse things. They lose their whole family in a tsunami, watch their young child swept away, or they go to get their baby in the morning and it is dead from crib death, they have a child who commits suicide. You may feel you are alone with your pain but there are many people in the world who have suffered every bit as much and they survived, so will you. You will feel lucky. I know hard to believe, but so true. You will feel giddy because you made it.

2. You will forever be changed for the better, you will be more compassionate, more empathetic and you will cry for other people’s pain because you will understand what real pain is all about. There is a calmness that comes over someone who has been in that kind of pain, like you know you can’t be hurt any more than you have been so you stop worrying about the little things.

3. You will cherish the little things more than ever before, a beautiful sunset, the sound of birds singing, children laughing, even the people partying down the street at 2 am won’t bother you because it is the sound of people laughing and having fun, enjoying life and you know how precious that is now.

4. “Things” won’t matter so much any more, because you will know they are only things and people are what matter, because you almost lost the people who love truly love you for someone who is incapable of love. They may have taken your money and left you destitute but things can be replaced, the love of family and friends can’t be bought a sunset can’t be bought. The world will be more colorful and fresh air in your lungs will remind you that you are alive and vibrant and so damn lucky to be alive.

5. This is an opportunity not everyone gets, it is a blessing in disguise and can be the catalyst to you becoming fearlessly you; you tried to please someone by being what they wanted, you have done that your whole life and where did it get you? in a whole lot of pain. So you might as well be totally and honestly, without apology, yourself. What other people think of you doesn’t matter. When you live true to yourself no one can ever hurt you again, because you won’t have given them the power to do so. While you are broken in a million pieces don ‘t try to find the old you, that you didn’t know who you really are and appreciate you. Be who YOU want to be, not what other people have told you you should be. It is all within your power to be whatever you want to be. Do a critical inventory of your traits and decide, do I like this about myself, no? then change it! Is this true of me. No? then don’t pack it, it was never yours to pack it was someone else’s garbage they piled on you, let it go!. Are you this way, Yes, do you like it? yes then keep it. Not many people have the opportunity to do a self assessment like that and live their whole lives believing lies about themselves and trying to please everyone else and be what everyone else wants them to be. THAT is why you have self doubt, you can’t be confident when you are not living true to your core being.

6. You never know how strong you are until you are faced with something you don’t think you are strong enough to handle. If it was easy it wouldn’t take strength. How do you build strength? by working those muscles. It is life’s adversities that give us strength. I didn’t think I could “do it one more day” until 2 years out someone called me strong and an inspiration. I read that on my blog and thought I am not strong, there was not one day I felt strong enough to make it. Then I thought, “but I did” it’s been two years and I made it. At that moment everything changed for me. I no longer felt weak and unable to cope, I felt strong, damn strong and proud of what I had survived and I was helping others to be strong.

peace-with-text

Law Of Attraction and Why The Narcissist Seems Immune to Karma

There you are, barely functioning, destroyed by the narcissist and it seems the target of every user/loser in the world and the narcissist is living the good life – What the hell ever happened to Karma?

dear karma

I have thought about this ever since James and I split and I recently, like this morning; had an epiphany. So bare with me, this might jump around a bit because I am so excited, my mind is jumping.

If there is a God, if there is such a thing as Karma, then why is it the victim of the narcissist seem to be left in a deep pit of bad luck and despair while the evil narcissist is being rewarded for his horrific behavior? It goes against everything we have ever been taught about life, the do unto others theory, the belief that people who do bad things have to deal with “Karma” and will pay a price, that if we lead a good honest life we will be rewarded; it all seems to be lies!! The narcissist just goes from victim to victim without ever being punished and in fact he seems to be rewarded!! Why?? How is that fair??

To top it all off the victim seems to just get more shit dumped on them, they meet another narcissist the very first time they decide to date, they have to work with narcissists, their money situation gets worse and worse, their health is bad, friends drop off. It’s hard to believe you were not to blame when it seems you are being punished in some way. Maybe the narcissist was right, maybe you ARE a bad person, because if you weren’t you wouldn’t have to deal with all this crap.

karma

I have been studying the Law Of Attraction lately because I want answers for myself, and for you; and this is what I have deciphered.

If you believe in the laws of attraction, which I do, it’s kinda hard not to there is no much evidence proving there is something to this; it still seems unfair that the narcissist, a truly evil person; would attract all these good things to himself. Until you look at it from a logical and rational perspective. Law of attraction works from a vibrational level, they say  that in order to attract good things into your life you have to vibrate above the 500 level;

Feelings that give off high vibrations are; Love, Joy, Peace and Gratitude – all feelings we USED to feel and narcissists are attracted to people who exude those feelings because people who vibrate at a higher level tend to be more forgiving, to see the good in others, and love more deeply.

Feelings that give off low vibrations are; Shame, Guilt, Fear and Anger – the victim is left with these feelings after months, years sometimes decades of abuse and being told they are to blame, society blaming them, them blaming themselves. We are the lowest of the low by the time the narcissist is done with us.

By a show of hands; how many victims felt totally drained, like they weren’t themselves, almost dirty, a shell of the person they once were? And the narcissist basically took over their life.

show of hands

I thought so!

Are you seeing where I am going with this? It is easy to see why the victim is receiving shit because they are vibrating at the lowest with feelings of shame, guilt, fear and anger.

But how does someone as evil and conniving as a narcissist manage to vibrate at the high level emotions, they don’t even really feel love, joy or gratitude! Wait!! we are once again viewing this from our perspective, the way it should be, think about how the mind of a narcissist works

(this is strictly my own theory because to my knowledge no one else has thought of it). I know that James studied mind control, the power of the mind, meta physics of the mind, and he used to tell me that I brought on the bad things that happened with my negative thinking. I had never been accused of being a negative person but I have to admit I became that way after years with James. How does one not become negative when every time you have something special planned something happens to ruin it, you never know when your spouse is going to be home, where he is, if he is lying, and you walk on egg shells 24/7? You become negative out of self preservation! if you expect the worst you can’t be disappointed. James used to tell me all the time, if you had no expectations you wouldn’t be disappointed. So I started expecting the worst and I was never disappointed.

Whenever James and I split over the course of the first 6 years, my life got better, I was able to manifest whatever I needed (every time we split I left with nothing) all I had to do was think “I need a couch” or “I sure could use a microwave” or “I need to make $400 today” and it would happen or appear within 24 hours, consistently. So when James and I split the last time I was shocked when things didn’t fall into place like they always had. What I failed to realize was, he had come back with the sole intention of destroying me and my ability to manifest good things in my life. We had split and he saw me succeeding and hated it! (a narcissist feels that if they leave you with anything at all they have failed or are losing something because their purpose was to take everything you had of value and that may include your family, children and self esteem.)

Once the narcissist manages to sabotage your self esteem and instill self doubt you end up on the never ending cycle of negativity that leads to more negativity. See how that happens?

So that explains the victim, but what about the narcissist who is full of toxic emotions, how can he reap so many good things in his life? The keys is; just like the victim is a good person who has been taught to feel insecure and unworthy, the narcissist does not believe he is bad, he feels justified in the things he does, he does not fear anyone, nor is he ashamed, or feel guilty and even his anger he blames on someone else. The law of attraction doesn’t know if what it is attracted to is a lie or not, it responds to the vibrational level of the person. if that person is sick and has a distorted view of their value whether that distortion is good or bad, they will attract the vibration they send out to the world. Get it? The narcissist genuinely feels he deserves the best of everything, he does not doubt whether he should be given something, if he wants it he takes it whether it is given to him or not. If he loses it, he knows he will replace it, or he will manipulate someone into replacing it because he deserves it.

The narcissist is incapable of feeling guilt, shame or fear. The anger thing, well like I said he blames others for that and feels justified. But what about the high level emotions like Love, peace, joy and gratitude? isn’t the narcissist incapable of feeling love and joy? and he certainly never seemed grateful or at peace. once again if you think about it logically the narcissist thinks he is feeling love. The narcissist’s brain is wired differently than a normal person so when he meets a new victim his brain releases the same chemicals our brains do when we meet someone who we think we could love only he is excited because he sees a source of things he wants. He acts much like a person in love but what he is drawn to is the prospect of being able to suck in another prey and bleed them dry. It is intoxicating to the narcissist much like love is intoxicating to a normal person. Just like when we are falling in love we project our best selves so does the narc but his goal is to bleed us dry and ours is to prove we are worthy of his love. Once he has us hooked the thrill starts to wear off, he pulls away, we try harder, he needs new supply because we are no longer a challenge, we try harder, we become more committed to the relationship and that signals to him that he has us and so we no longer provide the ego boost he needs and he must find a new source (plus he is depleting our physical and material worth all along). When he meets a new source of supply once again those chemicals are released into his brain and he acts like he is in love but in actual fact he is energized by the thrill of the kill. He goes off sending off high level vibrations and leaves us depleted and sending off low vibrations.

law of attraction

That is why he will keep coming back, if his new source is not as strong as us and depletes quickly or we start to recover and start vibrating at a higher level again he is drawn back to us because once again we have something for him to feed off of.

The narcissist is such an anomaly that even the law of attraction is fooled by him. The narcissist is a freak, handicapped, incomplete, a screw up of nature, but has learned to adapt in the world and that is why it is so hard to make sense of what they do. They will never make sense and the rules of the world don’t apply to them, or so it seems, unless you look deeper than the obvious. That is why they can literally get away with murder, they defy all the laws of nature and “how things are supposed to work” .

I am really excited about this new perspective and I have so much more to share!.

Some victims are happy to discover what they were/are dealing with and content with blaming the narcissist and going on with life filled with anger, hurt and resentment, blaming the narcissist for the rest of their lives and wondering why, even though they know the signs of a narcissist they keep attracting them and why nothing ever seems to go right in their lives; and that is fine.

But for the victims who want to truly heal, find inner peace and joy, vibrate at a higher level and attract good things into their lives the workshop I am working on is the place to start.

I will be posting more information on it at the end of the week, so stay tuned.

Thoughts About Men and Dating

I was walking Stella this morning at 5:30 am, trying to not dribble my coffee all over myself as she pulled on the leash because she saw Tobias her little (actually very LARGE friend a Mastiff something else huge hairy drooling male dog) and wanted to go say Hi.

Anyway, we walked to the end of the dyke and turned around, just as another friend of hers appeared for his morning walk, he is a black lab x and his daddy lives on a boat a few docks away from me.

I walked back to the end of the dyke so Stella could play and then we finally were walking home alone and I got thinking. I was thinking that if not for finances life is pretty damn good right now, I am enjoying my life immensely and it has a lot to do with the fact that i am surrounded by eligible, good looking, intelligent men who enjoy my company.

I think I have entered a new phase of my healing process, or maybe I am not healing any more and just reaching normal, my new normal.

I walked one way with one man and the other way with another, and there are several other guys i walk Stella with at different times. There is a group of them that gather at the communal picnic table at the bottom of the ramp, a very handsome french Canadian with a young daughter, I don’t want to get involved with someone with a young child (been there done that) but having a conversation with a good looking man feels good. Then I was down at my boat and another very nice looking man came down to my boat to see if I can sew and that is not my thing but we talked for about 15 or so minutes and I really enjoyed his company. Very nice man with a lot going for him, travels 1/2 the year to hot places and summers up here.

But there is one fellow, I will call him john, just in case he ever reads my blog or someone from the marina does, I think anyone would guess who I am talking about anyway but no point in embarrassing him. Anyway, since i have been here he has been in his sailboat living behind me. He is just a really nice guy, a gentleman, friendly without being invasive, helpful without being a know-it-all. He always gives me a hand, last night he packed my laundry down to the boat, well actually he also packed my groceries to the boat also. Every time he sees me working on the boat he insists on giving me something to help make the job easier, sand paper, polish for the chrome, etc. he always says hi and gives a wave. He loves Stella and always stops to say Hi to her and gave her a pack of tennis balls that she cherishes. She loves John.

He went sailing with his grandson for a week and left me the key to his storage container so I could use his freezer or store stuff in it. They got back a day early yesterday and a little to my surprise when I saw the boat round the corner, I was happy to see him home. Dare I say it out loud??

While I was doing laundry he come out of the shower and I said, “Are you following me?” and he came over and said, “I try to.” Just then the security guard came around the corner and i said, “Security guard arrest this man!!”

I am getting a bit of my “flirt” back. He has not asked me out and i don’t even know that i want him to, it is just really nice to have a gentleman pay attention to me and have male company. Take it slow and if nothing happens I am fine with that, but i feel i am testing the waters, gearing up to some day maybe having a date. he keeps saying he wants to take me out on his sailboat and that would be really nice.

i never thought i would find another man the least bit attractive but you know, the more i got to know James the uglier he got and now I remember how it felt to love him but I can’t imagine ever finding him attractive now.  This man, any one of the men I associate with now are miles above James, simply miles.

and so am I. Because I didn’t have to run out and find a man to love me to make me feel human, I healed myself and don’t need any man to make me feel whole. So sad when someone can’t be themselves for fear no one will like them.

Happy. I am going for a walk with Stella now.

Narcissists, Narcissists Everywhere!! Or so it seems

fakeI know a few people are disappointed to find out he was not what he pretended to be. To him he did nothing wrong, He was helping people, which he was, but it is not help if it is done by lying and that is something a narcissist doesn’t understand. As long as things “look” sincere they don’t see why anyone would be upset. My ex could not understand why I was upset he was sleeping with other women when he was on the road trucking; like he said, “You weren’t there.” He figured that as long as he called me a couple of times a day, told me he loved me and said he was going to bed early and missed me, I should be happy. By all outward appearances he was being faithful and it wasn’t like I was available. The women who lived in Alberta got the same treatment when he was with me and he expected them to be totally faithful to him. I know it doesn’t make sense, they don’t make sense and that is why it is futile to try and figure why they do what they do. They do not have the same thought processes as a normal person.

I found that for the first year or more after my ex and I split for the last time every time I turned around I was dealing with another narcissist. An old friend of my ex and mine, married friend who always talked highly of his wife all of a sudden wanted sex from me. He let me live in his trailer and wanted sex in payment. I was isolated, no running water, no heat, stuck out in the boonies and he expected sexual favors! I can’t count how many times I turned him down, how many different ways I explained why I would never sleep with him and he used my desperation to try and co-hearse me into sleeping with him. He would phone and say he needed the trailer for work in two days and if I had no where to go I could come with him (I told him to take the trailer I would work something out), he even tried the same line’s as my ex and said he had been given 6 months to live. When I was finally able to move out of there I never spoke to him again. He called me to ask why he hadn’t heard from me and I told him that I thought he was despicable for trying to take advantage of me at my most vulnerable. He admitted that it had been his plan when he offered me the trailer but he had stopped trying. I said, “Yeah after I moved out!” and hung up on him. He went on a slander campaign and I couldn’t have cared less. He and my ex became buddies again. Good! they can try to screw each other over in deals until hell freezes over for all I care.

My truck broke down and the shop charged me $750 to fix it and it didn’t even make it home and broke down. I called them and they said no way was it anything they did or didn’t do and wanted me to put a new engine it it. I got a friend to tow it out of there and it ended up being a $.50 part. I have links below to an incident with my Chev truck when the drive shaft fell out of it and a “friend” who was doing me a favor tried to screw me over.

There was a constant stream of assholes beating their way to my door to either physically screw me or financially screw me. I got so sick and tired of everyone wanting a piece of me when I had nothing left.

It is very hard to keep going when from all angles you have narcissists circling like vultures, they wait for the narcissist to be done with the victim and then they swoop in and pick the bones clean. They are opportunists, just like in school when the weakling gets picked on, or the runt of the litter is picked on by the rest of the puppies, you see it all over the world all the time, the weak get taken advantage of. I don’t know why it is that way but it seems to be the way of the world.

So how does a person get strong again when you always have someone trying to tear you down at every turn? I don’t know, I just know that when I got the job at Ccon, my whole life made a turn for the better. The job didn’t turn out, I had my ex sabotaging me by making anonymous complaint calls about me, but I found out later that the company had just hired me to get my contacts anyway, and then I had my 2nd heart attack and that was that. Even though it sounds like it turned out horribly bad, it was the catalyst to getting me over the extremely negative mind set I was in.

I knew that negative breeds more negativity and tried to have a positive attitude but it was impossible at the time. When I got the job I also put an offer in on the cabin at the lake and I felt I had control of my life back and even though my ex did his damnest to destroy it, he didn’t, and I survived it all, even losing the house recently. Why is my attitude so much more positive? Because my ex no longer controls my life, and since I realized that and discovered who I am and that I really like myself, I have not been as needy and the vultures have stopped circling.

It is a big connected circle, at some point the negative cycle has to have a break in it and the positive sneaks in; when it does you have to be ready to pounce on it and ride for all it’s worth. I am NOT talking about finding a man as the solution, that will only get you into more trouble. If you rely on  man (or a lover) to give you self worth, or to “fix” your life, the odds are you will meet a vulture, or you will fall for the first guy that comes along that seems to think you are great, whether you love him or not. Those feelings of inferiority, of being fragile will remain until you deal with them. As with any new love relationship, in the beginning you feel wonderful, but sooner or later that euphoria subsides and then the slightest sign of rejection by your new lover will bring back all the old feelings and reaction you had with the narcissist.

Make your own good fortune, get to know yourself and get really comfortable with who you are. I know you can’t forget the narcissist, but stop focusing on him and focus on YOU, what makes YOU tick, what makes you happy, what are your values and your dreams, your goals, what are your good traits. I bet you can list all the things you love about the narc, tell me what you love about you! It sounds simplistic yet impossible at the same time, but you can do it. When you figure out that you are a great person, and I don’t mean without flaws; that is impossible, but when you truly accept and love yourself unconditionally, nothing anyone does can change that inner peace you will have and it won’t matter if you run into a vulture, or a narcissist because they will no longer have power over you. There will be nothing to fear.

The only way to make sure you never get hooking up with another narcissist is to know yourself because they focus in on your weak spots, your areas of insecurity and self doubt. They attack where they know it will hurt the most, if you know your soft spots and accept them, no one can ever make you feel bad about them again.

I understand that finding oit he was not what he projected to be, I felt it myself. I was pissed that he “smoozed” or tried, because my gut was telling me something was not right there but I had nothing to back up the feeling I had and was just sitting back watching in case something did.. It would have affected me stronger a few years ago when I was vulnerable, I was very sensitive and took everything every one did personally. When I first heard about him harassing a member of the blog I was angry and I thought how he must have been patting himself on the back congratulating himself for the great performance he gave. I immediately thought how it reflected on me and my blog. But when it comes right down to it, how I handled is what really counts, not what he did.

And that is all any of us can do, take care of things from our end, how we handle ourselves is all we can control and if we do the best we can at all times and are accountable when we screw up, that is all that anyone can expect of us and what we should be judged on.

Why an I the asshole magnet?

The drive shaft saga starts

The Drive Shaft Saga

and it continues

and still more

The Secret To Healing – May Not Be What You Think

Often the relationship with the narcissist ends because the narcissist decides he “deserves better”, “can’t take it any more”, “Can’t deal with your dysfunctional behaviour” (those were the excuses James gave for ending it) your ex may have had his own reasons for ending it; it doesn’t really matter. What matters is he left YOU, WTF???!! after all you went through, all the shit you tolerated, all the times you forgave him and took him back, HE has the nerve to leave YOU???!!

Maybe it was you to leave, if you look at it literally I was the one to pack up my stuff and walk out the door; but he made it so bad I had to go or die. Depending on when you talked to him or who he was talking to; the story changed, sometimes I was the one to desert him other times he was the one to leave my psycho ass.

It really doesn’t matter too much who or why the final split came; now you are trying to heal your broken heart and it isn’t going near fast enough for you or the people who know you.

First of all I have done many posts on this topic and don’t want to repeat myself because many of you have probably read them already so here are the links for those of you struggling:

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/02/07/dusty-journals-of-a-healing-journey/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/09/22/food-for-thought-on-healing/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2012/12/02/healing-process-part-1/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2012/09/26/healing-crisis/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/02/06/the-one-sure-way-to-know-he-hasnt-changed/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/01/07/timing2/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/11/11/but-i-cant-but-yes-you-can/

That is just half of the posts I have done on healing, no contact and how to get through this. I am never sure if people come in here, find the support forum and never go any further; I hope not. It is great to have people to talk to who understand but you need to still be reading and educating yourself. To continually discuss how much you are hurting and how horrible the narcissist was/is embedding the narcissist deeper into your brain. Your brain automatically goes to thoughts of the narc because that is where it has gone for how ever long. Our brains only know what we put in it, so if all we think about is the narc that is who we are going to continue to think about. See what a vicious cycle that is? How do we stop it? by not talking about the N all the time, but by working on ourselves.

Now don’t be offended, I am not saying you are flawed or you need to change, not in the least! I am saying instead of focusing on how horrible the narcissist is, change your focus to how great you are. If while thinking about how great you are you find there are parts you don’t like, change them. You can do that; he can’t. Do what you can to make things better for you. It takes a brave person to take an honest look at yourself and it doesn’t happen in a day.

But from this day forward, on your journey of healing; try this. Instead of panicking and allowing the anxiety to over take you, analyze why you are feeling the way you do, be the logical, rational, friend you would be to someone else going through this. Be your own BFF. It may sound like I am crazy but, we all have an inner dialogue going on in our heads 24/7, “Why did you say that? you dummy” “You look ok but your butts too big” “I am stupid” “I have to keep the house clean all the time” Whatever …………. it’s your dialogue. It is not necessarily the truth though, it is a bunch of bull shit we have been fed all our lives and every time we repeat it we embed it deeper in our brains until we really believe it about ourselves. Question yourself on every thought you have and make conscious decisions about your actions.

Right now you are running on raw emotion and nerves; stop! think! analyze! and then decide! Stop making your decision based on emotion and lies.