Tag Archives: healing

Forgiveness and Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

I commented on a friend’s Facebook post that argued people are wrong to tell the victim of a narcissist that they must forgive the narcissist in order to heal. I agreed and called bullshit!! on forgiveness. This was my comment.

I think sometimes some good old hatred is needed in order to heal and move on. Forgiveness is great with normal healthy people who hurt us. The people capable of truly being sorry and changing. That is what forgiveness is based on in my mind. God knows we all make mistakes and all deserve to be forgiven because we can make amends for our mistakes. But with a narcissist you are dealing with a disordered person who is incapable of ever changing or making amends because he/she does not feel like a normal person. They don’t feel guilt, they are disabled emotionally, they only want forgiveness to use it against you. How can you forgive a lie? A mirage? A hologram?
The only forgiveness needed is for the victim. People who love a victim of a narcissist need to forgive the victim and the victim needs to forgive themselves because no one goes looking to be abused. If they would have known what he was they would not have chosen to be abused. My biggest struggle has been to forgive myself.
On the other hand; it is not healthy to carry hatred and to seek revenge on the narcissist. Hatred and revenge involves obsessing about the narc. Blotting and planning. Consequently putting far too much attention on the narcissist and that is his goal. He would love nothing more than for the victim to spend the rest of their life hating the narcissist. Plus it is counter productive to healing and moving on. Trying to find forgiveness is also counter productive because either way the victim is thinking about the narcissist embedding him deeper in their brain making it even harder to forget him. (Not that we ever truly forget him) the best thing a victim can do is get to know themselves intimately and live true to their core self. To learn to set boundaries in ALL their relationships, to honor their own values and standards and not believe the lies they have been told about themselves for their whole life. Embrace their sensitivity, they are not wrong or defective because they feel and care more than most people. They are rare and special and are needed in the world. They just have to learn how to protect themselves

3 Million Hits

Three Million Hits!! Compared to many blogs out there, 3 million is no big deal when they are spread out over almost 7 yrs, but for me it is mind blowing that, that many people found value in what I had to say. The fact that I have almost 3000 followers who actually signed up for more posts from me is equally unbelieveable! As I have said before; when I first started my blog my only hope was that some day, some random woman would be searching the net trying to figure out, “what the hell happened to me?”, stumble upon my blog and know she is not alone. 

My tag line at the time was something like; “I don’t know where I am going but you are welcome to join me on my journey to find answers.”

It took a few months before I even had one hit; and that almost gave me an anxiety attack! It was fine and dandy as long as no one was actually reading what I wrote. I started to realize I was far from alone with my pain and confusion, I was getting hits from all corners of the world, from straight people to gay, rich and poor, young and old, religious and atheist, men and women; there was an epidemic world wide!! And there weren’t a lot of people talking about it, not honestly, there were blogs that told you what to do, leave. But no one was talking about the insanity of living with a narcissist, the roller coaster ride of emotions, gas lighting, manipulation and how absolutely helpless the victim feels. I remember the first time I decided to share some of the absolutely bizarre things my ex did; I was so afraid everyone would think I was crazy, lying, or deserving of the abuse I received, but the response I got was the exact opposite! I had more comments than ever before, people saying, “OMG! That happened to me too” or “It’s like you lived my life”.

It seemed the more personal experienced I shared the more people could relate to what I was saying and I felt an even greater responsibility to speak honestly and openly AND to not give up on my journey to find answers and ultimately heal myself. I couldn’t very well kill myself when I had all these people coming to me for answers, I didn’t want anyone to think dying was the answer. 

I look back now over the almost 7 years since I started this journey and I am amazed at; how my life has changed, how much I have grown, how much I have learned about myself and other people, and how rewarding the blog has been and how my attitude has changed from 7 years ago. I no longer think of my ex as the worst thing that ever happened to me and now view him as the catalyst to one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I believe he ever had any intention of being a positive influence in my life. I give myself credit for turning a negative into a positive and not allowing him to destroy me as he intended.

It has been a gradual thing and I have had my obstacles along the way that I can’t blame on my ex, but I learned one very important thingthrough the blog, I can be totally honest about my mistakes, voice my honest opinion and I am accepted and even liked for who I am. I never knew inner peace, no matter how strong I had been or obstacles I over came prior to meeting my ex; I never had true inner peace and had always struggled with self doubt.  I learned one very important truth through all this, self doubt comes from not living true to your core self, it comes when we try to be someone we are not, someone we think other people want us to be, because we feel like an impostor. I also learned that I don’t want to change who I am, I may not like everything about myself but I am a work in progress and I will strive to be a better person until the day I die. I also learned that we all screw up and we can all make amends, get back on the horse, forgive ourselves and make tomorrow a fresh start. Living with regret serves no useful purpose, learn from the past, yes; but to dwell on the past only ruins your future and to worry about the future and what might happen ruins your today. 

I had always worried I would never find my purpose for being here. Finding their purpose is not something everyone concerns themselves with but I feel I my purpose is the same as everyone’s purpose, be the best person I can be and help others if I can; by sharing my experiences and what I have learned. 

I was afraid that when I was unable to post to the blog it would die and fade away, but it continues to grow (albeit at a slower pace) and attract followers. Just the other day I received another thank you from someone who was helped by the blog. I always appreciate hearing from people who were helped in some way but as with any time I give, whether it is money, time or compassion; over the years I have received so much more back.

So today I want to thank you, my followers and readers. Thank you for sharing your story, for your support, (emotionally and financially) throughout the years. Thank you for coming along on my journey. Although I would say I am healed, my journey continues because it is a life long journey of self discovery and acceptance.

I was with Stella yesterday and she was laying in the sun. Some people were walking by andshe got up to greet them. They said what a lucky dog she is to have a mom a who provides her such a good life. I replied that she has never known anything else and probably doesn’t fully appreciate how good she has it. I thought for a second and added, “her momma has it pretty good also”.  I may not like where I live, I may not be where I had thought I would be at this age but all in all, right now; my life is good.  I always think about the serenity prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

Courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

5 Surprising Lessons I Learned From Being Discarded By A Narcissist

Right now, after being dumped by a narcissist you don’t know how you will survive, the pain is all consuming, like someone ripped out a vital organ, a part of you is missing. He goes off romancing his new “love of his life” and you are left with your life in pieces at your feet.

There was a time that you were the love of his life, that you were the love who was going to save him after all the psycho ex’s who had taken him for granted and hurt him. You were going to make his pain go away and prove YOU weren’t like all the rest. Just like all the rest had done.

It is hard to accept that you were nothing special to him, just another in a long line of psycho bitches that made his life hell, after you gave him unconditional love even when he treated you like dirt and abused you in every way possible.

There are 5 things you might not believe right now but will discover down the road.

1, You WILL survive. People survive much worse things. They lose their whole family in a tsunami, watch their young child swept away, or they go to get their baby in the morning and it is dead from crib death, they have a child who commits suicide. You may feel you are alone with your pain but there are many people in the world who have suffered every bit as much and they survived, so will you. You will feel lucky. I know hard to believe, but so true. You will feel giddy because you made it.

2. You will forever be changed for the better, you will be more compassionate, more empathetic and you will cry for other people’s pain because you will understand what real pain is all about. There is a calmness that comes over someone who has been in that kind of pain, like you know you can’t be hurt any more than you have been so you stop worrying about the little things.

3. You will cherish the little things more than ever before, a beautiful sunset, the sound of birds singing, children laughing, even the people partying down the street at 2 am won’t bother you because it is the sound of people laughing and having fun, enjoying life and you know how precious that is now.

4. “Things” won’t matter so much any more, because you will know they are only things and people are what matter, because you almost lost the people who love truly love you for someone who is incapable of love. They may have taken your money and left you destitute but things can be replaced, the love of family and friends can’t be bought a sunset can’t be bought. The world will be more colorful and fresh air in your lungs will remind you that you are alive and vibrant and so damn lucky to be alive.

5. This is an opportunity not everyone gets, it is a blessing in disguise and can be the catalyst to you becoming fearlessly you; you tried to please someone by being what they wanted, you have done that your whole life and where did it get you? in a whole lot of pain. So you might as well be totally and honestly, without apology, yourself. What other people think of you doesn’t matter. When you live true to yourself no one can ever hurt you again, because you won’t have given them the power to do so. While you are broken in a million pieces don ‘t try to find the old you, that you didn’t know who you really are and appreciate you. Be who YOU want to be, not what other people have told you you should be. It is all within your power to be whatever you want to be. Do a critical inventory of your traits and decide, do I like this about myself, no? then change it! Is this true of me. No? then don’t pack it, it was never yours to pack it was someone else’s garbage they piled on you, let it go!. Are you this way, Yes, do you like it? yes then keep it. Not many people have the opportunity to do a self assessment like that and live their whole lives believing lies about themselves and trying to please everyone else and be what everyone else wants them to be. THAT is why you have self doubt, you can’t be confident when you are not living true to your core being.

6. You never know how strong you are until you are faced with something you don’t think you are strong enough to handle. If it was easy it wouldn’t take strength. How do you build strength? by working those muscles. It is life’s adversities that give us strength. I didn’t think I could “do it one more day” until 2 years out someone called me strong and an inspiration. I read that on my blog and thought I am not strong, there was not one day I felt strong enough to make it. Then I thought, “but I did” it’s been two years and I made it. At that moment everything changed for me. I no longer felt weak and unable to cope, I felt strong, damn strong and proud of what I had survived and I was helping others to be strong.

peace-with-text