There are people at all points in their healing journey, from someone a week or a few days out of the relationship to others who are a year or more away from the narcissist. Every single one of the newly discarded victims has one question, “How do I heal? How do I go on?”
Every single survivor of a narcissist will tell you the same thing, “The secret to healing and getting over the narcissist is NO CONTACT.” It is the number one, most important thing to do if you want to heal.
Most victims (notice I call the newly discarded victims and the people who have gone no contact survivors for a good reason, because anyone still in contact with the narcissist is remaining a victim and it is only when you end contact that you become a survivor)will do anything except go no contact. Ask them anything but don’t make them cut the N out of their life. The thought of it is enough to send them into an anxiety attack.
The narcissist has made them so dependent on them and their self-worth is so reliant on the narcissists approval that they literally feel they will fail to exist without the Narcissist. They feel empty without the narcissist. I can’t tell you exactly how the narcissist does it, I know it is emotional abuse, isolation, slow and insidious mental abuse that wears down the victim’s self-esteem and confidence. Depending on the finesse of the narcissist and how evil they are the victim suffers varying levels of dependency on the narcissist. Even though they may know in their logical mind that they don’t need the narcissist to survive, they were independent self-sufficient functioning adult when they met the N and they know they should be able to be that again; but everything in their being is telling them they can’t.
I had to carry a long aluminum pole in my car and it went through the length of the car and freaked Stella out. She didn’t know what it was and being the scared-de-cat that she is, she was deathly afraid of it. She would have crawled on my lap if she wouldn’t have had to go past the pole to do it. It was an unreasonable fear, the pole was not going to hurt her but she was afraid of the unknown.
I didn’t save her from the pole and ignored her panic so she had to deal with the pole being between us. A few minutes down the road she realized the pole was not going to hurt her and she had nothing to fear. Look how much more beautiful she is when she feel safe and confident. She barely looks like the same dog.
My point being? Don’t be a scared-de-cat, you are afraid of the unknown, you are afraid of what “might” happen if you are not in contact with the narcissist; you don’t know what will happen. No one knows what the future holds unless you stay with the N; then anyone who has stayed with the N can tell you exactly what will happen.
You will continue to be abused, you will give more of yourself to the N, you will become more afraid and you know what? it really isn’t attractive to be a cowering, anxious, nervous wreck that is always walking on eggshells. That is partly why you feel self loathing and are insecure;not just because the N tells you that you are nothing without him but because you don’t like who you have become. You have lost respect for yourself, you have allowed someone to treat you in ways you never would have thought you would.
The narcissist pulled you down to his level and believe me he will leave you there, and go off pretending to be you at some point, ridiculing you for allowing it to happen and laughing at your gullibility.
He will take on your personality, telling anyone who will listen that he is the victim of YOUR sick need to control and vindictive temper; he will regale everyone including your own family with tales of how he tried to help you, tried to love you enough, how he thought he could heal you with his love but it was like throwing his time and affections down a deep dark pit. How he barely existed while with you, he swallowed the poison you crammed down his throat; that no one could ever love him like you did but he knows better now because he has found the love of his life and she is nothing like you. Everything good in his life comes from loving her and he is so lucky to be free of your toxicity.
There is no healing while with a narcissist; ask anyone of the dozens upon dozens of victims that have visited these pages. There is not one exception to my knowledge; and you would think that if a narcissist had ever changed, someone would have come in here and set the record straight. Not once have I had a victim give the narc a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th chance and come back here expounding on how happy they are and how the narc finally realized the err of his ways and is now treating them like he did in the beginning. I will tell you this; I can’t count how many people have left here determined that they knew better than anyone here, their N was different, their love was special, this time he really meant it, this time he was going to get help and she/he had to give them the benefit of doubt and come back to say, “You were right, the abuse was worse. The good times only lasted until he got me back and now I have lost more and am even more broken”.
You are at a crossroads; you have two choices now that you know the truth about the narcissist
1. Stay for more abuse. You will resign yourself to a life full of fear, fear that he will leave you, fear that he will kill you, fear that nothing good will ever happen in your life again because with the N he never allows anything good to happen in your life and if by chance something good does get by him, he will make you pay heavily for the few moments of joy you might derive from it. You will be lonely even though you gave up everyone who loved you for his love you will feel a loneliness that eats away at you because you will look at the man you gave everything up for and he will look back at you with destain. You will stop believing his lies but you will tell yourself lies because it will be all you have left, hope and so you will live on hope, hope that someday he will love you for all you have sacrificed. But it will never happen. Do you know why it will never happen? Because a human being cannot be treated with such vicious disregard by a person and get over it. It damages you to the soul and even IF he did change, you would never be able to trust him again. Not to be faithful but most importantly; trust him with your heart. You know it subconsciously, he has killed a part of you that no one can heal but you.
or you can;
I don’t know what will happen in your future because you will be in control of that so it could hold anything you want it to. I can tell you this much about the future without the narcissist in it; there will be no more turmoil, no more lies, no more playing detective, no more silent treatment, no one controlling when and where you go or what you wear, eat, or think. Good things will start to happen to you again,
I will be honest, it won’t happen overnight, in fact it could take over a year, but the healing will occur, it has to because if you are smart you will take the time to get to know yourself and you will find an inner peace you never knew possible. That inner peace comes from being pushed to your human limits and having to put yourself back together. It is an indescribable feeling to know you will be ok, you are ok and to be in total acceptance of life as it unfolds in front of you.