Tag Archives: healing

The Secret To Healing – May Not Be What You Think

Often the relationship with the narcissist ends because the narcissist decides he “deserves better”, “can’t take it any more”, “Can’t deal with your dysfunctional behaviour” (those were the excuses James gave for ending it) your ex may have had his own reasons for ending it; it doesn’t really matter. What matters is he left YOU, WTF???!! after all you went through, all the shit you tolerated, all the times you forgave him and took him back, HE has the nerve to leave YOU???!!

Maybe it was you to leave, if you look at it literally I was the one to pack up my stuff and walk out the door; but he made it so bad I had to go or die. Depending on when you talked to him or who he was talking to; the story changed, sometimes I was the one to desert him other times he was the one to leave my psycho ass.

It really doesn’t matter too much who or why the final split came; now you are trying to heal your broken heart and it isn’t going near fast enough for you or the people who know you.

First of all I have done many posts on this topic and don’t want to repeat myself because many of you have probably read them already so here are the links for those of you struggling:

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/02/07/dusty-journals-of-a-healing-journey/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/09/22/food-for-thought-on-healing/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2012/12/02/healing-process-part-1/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2012/09/26/healing-crisis/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/02/06/the-one-sure-way-to-know-he-hasnt-changed/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2015/01/07/timing2/

https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/11/11/but-i-cant-but-yes-you-can/

That is just half of the posts I have done on healing, no contact and how to get through this. I am never sure if people come in here, find the support forum and never go any further; I hope not. It is great to have people to talk to who understand but you need to still be reading and educating yourself. To continually discuss how much you are hurting and how horrible the narcissist was/is embedding the narcissist deeper into your brain. Your brain automatically goes to thoughts of the narc because that is where it has gone for how ever long. Our brains only know what we put in it, so if all we think about is the narc that is who we are going to continue to think about. See what a vicious cycle that is? How do we stop it? by not talking about the N all the time, but by working on ourselves.

Now don’t be offended, I am not saying you are flawed or you need to change, not in the least! I am saying instead of focusing on how horrible the narcissist is, change your focus to how great you are. If while thinking about how great you are you find there are parts you don’t like, change them. You can do that; he can’t. Do what you can to make things better for you. It takes a brave person to take an honest look at yourself and it doesn’t happen in a day.

But from this day forward, on your journey of healing; try this. Instead of panicking and allowing the anxiety to over take you, analyze why you are feeling the way you do, be the logical, rational, friend you would be to someone else going through this. Be your own BFF. It may sound like I am crazy but, we all have an inner dialogue going on in our heads 24/7, “Why did you say that? you dummy” “You look ok but your butts too big” “I am stupid” “I have to keep the house clean all the time” Whatever …………. it’s your dialogue. It is not necessarily the truth though, it is a bunch of bull shit we have been fed all our lives and every time we repeat it we embed it deeper in our brains until we really believe it about ourselves. Question yourself on every thought you have and make conscious decisions about your actions.

Right now you are running on raw emotion and nerves; stop! think! analyze! and then decide! Stop making your decision based on emotion and lies.

Promises and Lies = No Contact

narc

When you met the narcissist he offered you forever. A forever full of unconditional love, acceptance and understanding, something every person dreams of. To be totally themselves and still loved. But that is not what he gave you, his love was an act, he gave you a dream, a promise he never intended to keep and it is hard to accept you gave your heart to the heartless. Even though you know he is unhealthy, even though your heart breaks daily, you cling to the hope that someday he will fulfill his promise. The slightest loving gesture from him feeds that hope, you hold your breath afraid to ruin the moment, your mind, body and heart soak up the affection like a dry sponge, you pray this moment lasts forever. But it never does, it is impossible because he is a figment of your imagination, his love is not real, and now neither are you. It is impossible for him to love you just the way you are because you aren’t you any more. You walk on eggshells, choose your words carefully and everything you do is done in hopes it garners his approve and doesn’t anger him. It is impossible to live in fear 24/7, it eats away at your self-esteem, you can’t enjoy the good times because you never know what will set him off.

The thought of never talking to him again, never hearing his voice or feeling his touch seems too much to bear, it is like he controls the air you breath. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, are consumed with thought of when love with him was easy and you felt like the most beautiful woman on earth. If you could talk to him for just a minute, if he would tell you he loves you, and misses you maybe you could sleep for a few minutes. You fight with the phone, pick it up and start to dial, hangup, dial again and let it ring, what if he doesn’t answer? then you will wonder who he is with and why he didn’t answer, What if he does answer? What will you say? What do you want him to say? You know he is a liar, you know he never changes, you know he takes pleasure in your pain. Hangup.

Telephone-au-Volant

It’s hard letting go of the dream, you don’t have to let go all at once, you only have to let go one day at a time, one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time. It’s ok the feel the withdrawal, it’s ok to want to have him hold you and tell you it was all a horrible mistake and he will always love you. It’s ok to miss the dream, its ok to feel sad and lonely. You have every right to your pain, don’t let anyone tell you differently. When people deny you your pain they force you to seek him out in hopes he can make it go away. You have to feel the pain to heal, that is nature, that is normal and healthy. All you have to worry about is today, making it through today, everyone can do something for a day, tomorrow will happen whether you want it to or not so don’t worry about getting through tomorrow, focus on today and getting through today the best you can.

The more today’s you get through the easier your tomorrows will be and before you know it 6 months have passed, then a year and the further away from the N you get the more you start to fear ever talking to him again. You start to fear the control he had over you and you never want to be “loved” like that again. One day you will realize you feel lighter, there is no more fear, no more walking on egg shells, you can’t remember the last time you cried, you can laugh and smile and there is a spring to your step. You won’t know exactly when it happened, was it right this moment or was it days ago but you know you have made it to the light and you will be ok.

You are now a survivor, take a deep breath, look around at your world, listen to the birds, appreciate your strength, your courage and your ability to grow and be a better person. Image

The N will always be a part of your life, there is no changing that, but you do not have to remain a victim of the N. A victim is someone who is being abused, a survivor is someone who WAS abused. Leave the past in the past, there is nothing you can do to change the past, it’s done, gone, he is no longer controlling or abusing you, you stopped allowing it, now you are a survivor and you control your future no one else.

Healing and No Contact

There are people at all points in their healing journey, from someone a week or a few days out of the relationship to others who are a year or more away from the narcissist.  Every single one of the newly discarded victims has one question, “How do I heal? How do I go on?”

Every single survivor of a narcissist will tell you the same thing, “The secret to healing and getting over the narcissist is NO CONTACT.”  It is the number one, most important thing to do if you want to heal.

Most victims (notice I call the newly discarded victims and the people who have gone no contact survivors for a good reason, because anyone still in contact with the narcissist is remaining a victim and it is only when you end contact that you become a survivor)will do anything except go no contact. Ask them anything but don’t make them cut the N out of their life. The thought of it is enough to send them into an anxiety attack.

The narcissist has made them so dependent on them and their self-worth is so reliant on the narcissists approval that they literally feel they will fail to exist without the Narcissist. They feel empty without the narcissist. I can’t tell you exactly how the narcissist does it, I know it is emotional abuse, isolation, slow and insidious mental abuse that wears down the victim’s self-esteem and confidence. Depending on the finesse of the narcissist and how evil they are the victim suffers varying levels of dependency on the narcissist. Even though they may know in their logical mind that they don’t need the narcissist to survive, they were independent self-sufficient functioning adult when they met the N and they know they should be able to be that again; but everything in their being is telling them they can’t.

Feb26 078

I had to carry a long aluminum pole in my car and it went through the length of the car and freaked Stella out. She didn’t know what it was and being the scared-de-cat that she is, she was deathly afraid of it. She would have crawled on my lap if she wouldn’t have had to go past the pole to do it. It was an unreasonable fear, the pole was not going to hurt her but she was afraid of the unknown.

 

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I didn’t save her from the pole and ignored her panic so she had to deal with the pole being between us. A few minutes down the road she realized the pole was not going to hurt her and she had nothing to fear. Look how much more beautiful she is when she feel safe and confident. She barely looks like the same dog.

My point being? Don’t be a scared-de-cat, you are afraid of the unknown, you are afraid of what “might” happen if you are not in contact with the narcissist; you don’t know what will happen. No one knows what the future holds unless you stay with the N; then anyone who has stayed with the N can tell you exactly what will happen.

You will continue to be abused, you will give more of yourself to the N, you will become more afraid and you know what? it really isn’t attractive to be a cowering, anxious, nervous wreck that is always walking on eggshells. That is partly why you feel self loathing and are insecure;not just because the N tells you that you are nothing without him but because you don’t like who you have become. You have lost respect for yourself, you have allowed someone to treat you in ways you never would have thought you would.

The narcissist pulled you down to his level and believe me he will leave you there, and go off pretending to be you at some point, ridiculing you for allowing it to happen and laughing at your gullibility.

He will take on your personality, telling anyone who will listen that he is the victim of YOUR sick need to control and vindictive temper; he will regale everyone including your own family with tales of how he tried to help you, tried to love you enough, how he thought he could heal you with his love but it was like throwing his time and affections down a deep dark pit. How he barely existed while with you, he swallowed the poison you crammed down his throat; that no one could ever love him like you did but he knows better now because he has found the love of his life and she is nothing like you. Everything good in his life comes from loving her and he is so lucky to be free of your toxicity.

There is no healing while with a narcissist; ask anyone of the dozens upon dozens of victims that have visited these pages. There is not one exception to my knowledge; and you would think that if a narcissist had ever changed, someone would have come in here and set the record straight. Not once have I had a victim give the narc a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th chance and come back here expounding on how happy they are and how the narc finally realized the err of his ways and is now treating them like he did in the beginning. I will tell you this; I can’t count how many people have left here determined that they knew better than anyone here, their N was different, their love was special, this time he really meant it, this time he was going to get help and she/he had to give them the benefit of doubt and come back to say, “You were right, the abuse was worse. The good times only lasted until he got me back and now I have lost more and am even more broken”.

You are at a crossroads; you have two choices now that you know the truth about the narcissist
1. Stay for more abuse. You will resign yourself to a life full of fear, fear that he will leave you, fear that he will kill you, fear that nothing good will ever happen in your life again because with the N he never allows anything good to happen in your life and if by chance something good does get by him, he will make you pay heavily for the few moments of joy you might derive from it. You will be lonely even though you gave up everyone who loved you for his love you will feel a loneliness that eats away at you because you will look at the man you gave everything up for and he will look back at you with destain. You will stop believing his lies but you will tell yourself lies because it will be all you have left, hope and so you will live on hope, hope that someday he will love you for all you have sacrificed. But it will never happen. Do you know why it will never happen? Because a human being cannot be treated with such vicious disregard by a person and get over it. It damages you to the soul and even IF he did change, you would never be able to trust him again. Not to be faithful but most importantly; trust him with your heart. You know it subconsciously, he has killed a part of you that no one can heal but you.
or you can;
2. Leave.

I don’t know what will happen in your future because you will be in control of that so it could hold anything you want it to. I can tell you this much about the future without the narcissist in it; there will be no more turmoil, no more lies, no more playing detective, no more silent treatment, no one controlling when and where you go or what you wear, eat, or think. Good things will start to happen to you again,
I will be honest, it won’t happen overnight, in fact it could take over a year, but the healing will occur, it has to because if you are smart you will take the time to get to know yourself and you will find an inner peace you never knew possible. That inner peace comes from being pushed to your human limits and having to put yourself back together. It is an indescribable feeling to know you will be ok, you are ok and to be in total acceptance of life as it unfolds in front of you.