Tag Archives: healthy relationships

Gaslighting-How To Deal With It

I happened upon a video this morning done by Matthew Hussey, a “dating guru” I have listened to for years. I love his straight forward, logical and honest approach to dating.

In this video he talks about how to deal with being gas-lighted, something all narcissists do.

Enjoy and tell me what you think.

Parent Alienation

You don’t have to be a narcissist to be be guilty of parent alienation, you just have to be a bad parent. So many times parents in their bitterness feel it is necessary to “get the kids on their side”. Or they talk to their children like they are friends or their therapist. Why they do this, I don’t know; looking for sympathy? A need to vent? To make the other parent look bad? Bitterness? I suppose they think they have a good reason but very rarely is it a good idea or does it end well for the parent doing the trash talking. It usually bites them in the ass.

The children get so sick of hearing all this shit about the other parent they start to look at the complaining parent more critically.

And for those of you who think a child needs to know the truth, unless their lives are in danger; you are wrong. A child will grow up and find out for themselves what the other parent is about. They don’t need you stirring the pot and it makes you look like the bitter ex out for revenge.

It is far more to your advantage to focus on being the best parent you can be and not even mention the other parent except in passing. Ie: “your dad is picking you up tomorrow.”

NOT: “your SOB father is supposed to pick you up tomorrow, but hell probably be a no show, AGAIN!”

If the other parent is a bad parent your children will figure it out all on their own. Your responsibility is to be a healthy reliable and supportive parent who shows up with a smile.

It doesn’t mean lying to cover for the bad parent/narcissist in order to protect the child. It means handling each situation as it comes with honesty and compassion. For example: “I understand you are feeling hurt because daddy didn’t show up for sports day. I am sorry your dad disappointed you.”

If your ex immediately finds his “true love” after you break up, (a classic narcissist move) and your children come home and tell you all about the fun they had with daddy and the new woman; the absolutely worst thing you can do is go on a tirade about what a bastard he is and the new woman is a stupid bitch. To say anything negative at all is going to only reinforce what your ex is saying – that you are a bitter, psycho bitch.

Your ex knows the kids are going to come home and expound on how much fun they had, he is abusing you by proxy and you can not react and give him the reward he wants.

Just keep in mind that the longer he can get a reaction out of you the longer he is able to keep the act going with the new woman. Give him the rope and let him hang himself, he will do it on his own. Trust that history repeats itself and he is not capable of true lasting change.

Normal healthy people get divorced, and normal loving people can turn ugly when dealing with an ex. Both parents have to keep reminding themselves that the only innocent victims are the children. They had no choice in parents, they have no choice about the divorce, they have no control, and their lives are turned upside down. It is up to the parents to put their ego aside, their needs and wants and focus on what is truly best for the children.

Let’s raise healthy children and not play silly games.

Just my thoughts for today, as we enter the final week of domestic abuse awareness month.

Dating Tips

 

dating game

I have subscribed to a new “Dating Advice” YouTube advice (what do you call it, it’s not a column, it’s not a blog) whatever; the guy’s name is Matthew Hussey and he gives some really sound and logical advice on dating, getting the guy (or girl) and the bonus is, he’s cute as hell and makes me smile. (he’s young enough to be my son but I am not blind)

I actually started watching his videos because I thought he was another one of those, “How to Manipulate Women” type dating advice guys; and I wanted to learn the tactics they use (knowledge is power) I was pleasantly surprised. He has very realistic, honest advice to give and so far I find myself agreeing with him 100%.

Now, I am not suggesting you all start dating, I don’t advocate anyone dating too soon after being with a narcissist because I think the victim has a lot of healing to do and could be looking for someone to “fix” them and make them feel better after being destroyed by a narcissist which is a lousy reason to start dating. My rationale for thinking it is a lousy idea to date too soon is this:

1. You are looking to the new guy for value, which puts a lot of pressure on this relationship; it is going to make whether he likes you or not much more important than it should be and if by chance he doesn’t really like you it is one more rejection to make you feel unworthy of love and unattractive.

2. You are going to try too hard to be attractive to him and not be yourself; you will be turning your focus from the N and transferring it to the new guy. For one thing the obsession with what the Narc is doing is unhealthy, if you transfer it to the new relationship you automatically turn the new relationship into an unhealthy one but now it is YOU who IS  unhealthy and you turn the lies the narc has been accusing you of into reality.

3. You will want the guy to like you so badly that you will get yourself hooked up with any guy just to have a guy and then wonder why you are always angry or upset because the guy is not what you want. It isn’t the guy’s fault, he is just being who he is but you tried to change into the kind of girl he wanted instead of being yourself. You can’t keep up that persona and eventually will go back to being yourself and viola; now you have problems and you are working on a relationship that never should have started in the first place.

4. Before you start dating someone new (and this goes with any relationship, not just with a narc) you have to find your single self again. By this I mean; in any dating relationship you progress into a compromise of two blended lives, you establish a way of interacting, you reach a level of intimacy that can only be attained with time. If you start dating too soon there is a very real tendency to jump straight into a serious relationship and miss the very important early steps of getting to know someone.

5. There is a risk of transferring the problems you had in the previous relationship into the new relationship; you are hyper vigilant, suspicious, on edge for any changes in his moods, “what did he mean by that” and there is a likelihood you will read stuff into his actions that isn’t there OR ignore red flags because you are afraid you are being paranoid. Much better to heal first and go in a whole, healthy person with clear boundaries and healthy sense of self.

6. You could end up hurting someone else and actually doing to him/her what the narc did to you. You want someone to want you so badly you hook up with the first guy that shows you attention, thinking he will heal you but he is not someone you can ever really love and once you feel better about yourself you realize the guy is not the kind of guy you want and you try to change him. Because he is not the kind of guy you would ever love he can never live up to your expectations but because he loves you (or the person you projected to be) he keeps trying to make you happy. Whereas with a narcissist it is intentional does it make it any better that you didn’t do it maliciously; you still end up hurting someone.

7. After leaving a relationship with a narcissist you are a prime target for the next narcissist to that comes along; and you will be a narc magnet immediately after being with a narcissist; you might as well wear a sign that says, “Narcissists Apply Here.”  You are craving attention and forget that the narc thought you were the best thing since sliced bread when you started dating him and only remember the final discard stage and how he loathed you. So a new narcissist comes along and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him, you are perfect, where have you been all his life, you are the most beautiful, most exciting, most intelligent, the sexiest woman and he can’t believe his good fortune to meet you. Six months down the road you are being discarded again and you are devastated even worse than before because you never healed from the first narc.

8. You have compromised all your standards, bent over backwards to please the narc, you have no self-respect or deal breakers so you don’t set boundaries with the new guy and continue to feel used and unappreciated and not even know why for sure because you didn’t take the time to find out what you need to be happy. You end up waiting for a guy to make you happy because you aren’t picky about who you date and just hope they are what you need instead of finding a guy who has the same interests and values as you.

9. You could ruin a perfect relationship or miss the perfect guy because you are so hurt and have built a wall around your heart that no one could break through, you never really let your guard down so it is impossible for a relationship to grow.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future men in your life to heal, figure out what is important to you, set boundaries that are important to you (everyone has their own deal breaker boundaries, it is a very personal thing) and learn to love yourself so that if a guy doesn’t appreciate the person you are you have the self-confidence to move along and chalk it up to experience. A woman who is sure of herself, is not looking for a man to fix her, who stands firm to her ideals and has her own life is MUCH more attractive to a healthy man. So consequently you attract healthy men not men who are looking to control and abuse a woman. When a man knows he had better treat this woman right or she will walk, he can’t help but treat her with respect; if he values her, and if he doesn’t value her you don’t want him.

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The link to Matthew’s site is here, even if you don’t have the desire to start dating yet, it doesn’t hurt to prepare yourself for the eventuality that you will want a man in your life again. Why not be proactive and learn how to date in a healthy way long before you even need the skills.

Once again I want reiterate; I am NOT promoting dating. I thought it was disgusting that our local woman’s shelter had links to dating sites in their section on resources for women who have been abused. I AM suggesting you develop a healthy attitude about dating before you venture out there again.

Gained knowledge + personal awareness + honest communications = happy life and healthy relationships