I remember thinking, “No one understands, no one has loved like this before. No one knows what it’s like to love unconditionally, if they had, they couldn’t walk away either.”
I also thought, “Only I know the real man deep inside. I have seen the good in him and if I love him enough, stand by him no matter what, eventually he will realize what we have and we will live happily ever after. I just have to figure out how to say it in a way he understands and he will stop hurting me.”
Another hope I clung to was, “If he didn’t love me he wouldn’t keep coming back to me.” And every time we split and he came back I was afraid to not take him back because what if this time he has changed? And if he has changed and I don’t take him back some other woman will reap the rewards of all my hard work and sacrifice.
Another lie I told myself to justify not leaving was, I have nothing to lose, I have lost everything (job, friends, family, furniture, home, savings, whatever) I can’t start all over now, with nothing.
It was quite a eye opener when I realized I wasn’t special at all, there were hundreds of women, thousands if not millions, all over the world feeling and thinking exactly the same things I was. This magical love was nothing but a stereotypical relationship with a narcissist.
It was horribly hard to accept that it had all been an orchestrated romance designed to suck me in.
When you have planned to never love anyone else and made loving that person your purpose in life, it’s hard to switch gears.
You may feel you have reached your limit and you leave. You may have no problem making it through the day, even not answer his texts as long as he’s texting. But the minute he stops texting or calling, the need to know he’s still out there, loving you, lying to you, is still yours; gets you obsessing about what he’s doing, where is he.
You have been snooping, spying, solving his endless puzzles and busting him so long it’s hard to stop. It has become a personal challenge. You have analyzed every word he says and lies he’s told. You wonder what he meant by that, why did he stare at you but not talk to you, why did he text and not reply, why did he drive by your house, what was he thinking when he smiled at you at the traffic light?
The cold hard facts are:
He is disordered. His actions won’t make sense to a normal person because he is a narcissist. He does what he does because he is a narcissist.
He does NOT have feelings like a normal person. Never has, never will. Stop assigning him feelings you think he should have, because I will tell you this; your wrong! He isn’t feeling anything except contempt for you. He does not appreciate your loyalty and love, he doesn’t appreciate all you’ve sacrificed. He thinks you are weak and stupid and the last thing he wants is to have a happily ever after with you.
He hated closeness, he hates that you want anything from him, most of that you expect love. He doesn’t know how, can’t, love. You might as well demand he fly.
He doesn’t want love, he has no idea what love is, he can’t miss it. From what he can tell, love makes you weak and vulnerable, and he just assumes he is faking emotions, so is everyone else. Life for him is like watching a movie. Like any movie, he sees the people showing emotions but it’s not real to him.
I remember my friends and I putting on plays for my parents. We would be southern Belle’s with the accent and all, real Scarlett in Gone With The Wind characters. We thought we were academy award winning actors as my parents suffered through each performance. That is the narcissist, subjecting those around him to performance after award winning (in his mind) performance.
Once I was on to my ex I started to realize how poor an actor he really is. He would look away, put his hand up as if to block me from seeing him cry and say with a crack in his voice, “Just give me a minute.”
I watched as he blinked hard trying to make his eyes water. He’d blow his nose.
Oh the dramatics of it all!
Once you give up the dream, and accept you aren’t special, there are many women capable of loving as completely as you and he will find another woman who will believe she is special too. You are no more special than all the women before you or who will come after you. Once you let that go you will start waking up and seeing what a poor actor he really is.
Things will make sense, you may even realize that he had used lines out of a movie you once saw. Or he may use your own lines against you. My ex even said he was afraid to meet me at the house so I could get my stuff because he was afraid of what I might do.
He talked about how much he loved me and how hard he had tried and I had been cold and indifferent.
I came across a page out of an old letter he wrote me and I couldn’t believe I had ever been torn up over it.
Here is an excerpt;
* You refused to try. You instigated countless fights over nothing. You were too emotionally bankrupt to acknowledge what I was doing for you, much less truly appreciate it or show me that it meant anything to you. The failure to show love or deal with it, I can’t even address. I thought one day you would wake up and appreciate the countless hours and dollars I have trying to do for you. You went on about me looking at porn like it didn’t relate to you in anyway. You had the power to end it completely but chose to make it my problem. You are right. I don’t deserve this I am clearly wrong for staying here.*
There was more, but I am sure you have all had similar letters.
A few days later he came to me and took all the blame, apologized and begged for one more second chance.
I didn’t believe him, finally! But if I am honest with you; after the first apology, I never really believed him, I just wanted to. I figured if it didn’t work it would be his fault for lying. I couldn’t be blamed, he was lying! But after a while you have to take some of the blame and you can’t keep crying about how bad he treats you if you keep seeing him.
The really embarrassing thing I had to admit to myself was, after we split and he had a new woman, I didn’t believe he had changed, I was upset that now he was lying to her and not me.
She was the one with false hope. I wanted him to lie to me! He was MY asshole!
Time to have a honest heart to heart with yourself.