Tag Archives: hope

When Is Weakness A Strength?

let_your_light_shine_by_kevron2001-d6z3r1t

How on earth can weakness be a strength?

A thought came to me this morning when someone from the blog messaged me privately to thank me for the blog (and they had sent a donation to help with Stella’s vet bills)

Maybe I should briefly fill you in on why Stella has vet bills because if you are not on my facebook you have no idea what I am talking about, and it is one of the reasons I have no been around much lately.

Last Sunday I took Stella to the river, it was an exceptionally hot day and we were both melting in the heat. The minute she hit the cold river water she perked right up. I was laughing as she ran up and down the bank of the river, darting in and out of the cold water. There was another fellow with his son and their dog throwing a stick and Stella and I went and found her a stick. She was having so much fun she started running into the brush finding a stick, bringing it to me to throw and then go find another stick etc. All of a sudden she was choking, I ran to her and see there is fishing line with led weights on it hanging from her mouth and she is panicking trying to get it out. I panicked and the fellow and his son came running. He was a very nice man and calmed me down, I kept swearing “Fuck…I’m sorry….excuse me…..fuck fuck fuck….oh shit I’m sorry shit! fuck…..I’m sorry” to his son and his son said, “That’s alright I understand”

The man tried to find the hook but it was out of sight, he tied the line to Stella collar so it wouldn’t go down any further and I threw her in the car and headed for the vets. Long story short we don’t have an emergency vet locally, traffic was horrendous and by the time I got her to the nearest emergency animal hospital she had bit through the fishing line. When they did xrays the hook was firmly embedded in her esophagus. I was told I had two choices, put her down or they could go in and try to get the hook out, to do anything else would mean a slow painful death. So $1575 and 3 hours in surgery later, Stella survived. It was a night from hell for me and I most certainly did not have that kind of money. The vet said they do not give credit but when he saw how stricken I was he agreed to do the surgery, he said, “I am not that cold hearted. The boss isn’t here, I am going to take a chance. Try to get as much money together as you can.”

So that is why this woman was contacting me, to tell me she had made a donation towards Stella’s vet bills and she was thanking me for the blog, this is a section of what she had to say,

“We drag ourselves up AGAIN and on we crawl on AGAIN! You are actually coping better than me because you have been able to focus enough to write your wonderful, articulate, intelligent blog which helps other people enormously. Bless you for that. Hugs to you and Stella.”

shine bright

I have been thinking about that statement and you know there was nothing strong about me starting the blog or focussed about me writing it. I was at my weakest point in my whole life. I was so totally broken, it was all I could do. Writing has always been my release, so I did what I know, the only thing I could do because my feelings were so raw, the only way I could let them out was to write them, puke all that toxic pain out on the keyboard.

I didn’t realize it then, but most victims feel they are the only one who has ever felt that broken, that all alone; I thought if ONE woman found my blog and knew she was not alone what I was going through would not be in vain. No one is more shocked than me that I have reached as many people as I have. Six years I have had the blog and aside from my ex I have had only a handful of trolls, amazing for this type of blog, they seem to love haunting these type of sites. But I have been blessed with good, kind, caring people, people who have given me a reason to live when I couldn’t find any myself. I remember days where the only thing that got me through was a comment on my blog saying I believe in you, hang in there. I understand, I am sorry you are going through this.” Some kind words that told me I mattered and there were good kind caring people out there.

It seems human nature for people to pull away from perceived weakness. At a time in your life when you need people to embrace you, you are surrounded by people who either want to take advantage of your weakened state or they totally turn their back on you or criticize and blame you for your own pain. Is it any wonder women go back to their abuser? the world is a dark scary place when you never hear, “I believe in you, you can do this, there is hope.”

I can’t tell you how many times I contemplated killing myself but didn’t want the people on my blog to think that was the only way out of the pain they were in. I had to find the way to be happy and at peace, I didn’t want to let all those people who believed in me down.

Now, that I have survived 6 years, now that I have 2 million hits and over 2000 followers and now that I am past wanting to kill myself I get praise from the people in my life I HAD thought would be there all along. It was strangers who got me through the worst of it.

I could have never imagined that from my utter and total destruction and from the black abyss I didn’t think I could ever pull myself out of, that I would find a bunch of people from all corners of the world each shining their own light of encouragement.

At your weakest point, you are being your strongest.

shine your light

Every single day people come on this blog and from the depths of their despair they reach out to encourage someone else. How absolutely wonderful is that? Over 2200 followers, all of them feeling broken, so much healing happens here. It is such a wonderful testament to the fact that even though it may seem you may be surrounded by toxic soul vampires, there ARE good people out there. We can shine our own light of positivity and send the narcissist back into the black hole they came from. Light over powers dark every time. When we were kids we were afraid of the monsters under the bed but if someone came in the room and turned the light on, the monsters disappeared and we weren’t afraid any more.

 

Believe in the power of your light and together, if we support each other, I believe that the narcissists of the world will be forced to slink back into their darkness. The only thing that gives them power is making us believe our light has gone out.

Thankful For The Memories

I used to love all of the traditional holidays, and as much as I love Christmas and the decorations I think my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. It was my favorite because you got the big turkey dinner, the family get-together and none of the commercialized gift crap.

I started a tradition at my Thanksgiving table that as we ate we would go around the table and everyone had to say what they were thankful for. It didn’t matter what had gone on in someone’s life they were still expected to come up with some thing.

Years ago before Kris was born Victor, my 1st husband had lost his brother in a tragic fishing accident. They had been fishing and drinking out on the lake in early spring so the water was extremely cold. The boat flipped, there were three of them and only two life jackets. Victor was going to swim for help, he was the most physically fit. Don was a big guy, couldn’t swim and was panicking so they got him in a lift vest first. Victor’s brother, Micheal,  was wirey and probably weighed 75 – 100 lbs less than Victor and had the other life jacket on. They decided Victor should stay with Don because he was stronger and could keep Don from drowning and Micheal would swim to shore for help.

Michel and he argued about the life jacket, Victor wanted Michel to wear it and Micheal wanted Victor to wear it. Micheal agreed to keep it on but he swam a ways and then turned and threw it back to Victor.

They waited and waited; it wasn’t that far to shore; but it was dusk and they couldn’t see if Micheal made it. Finally after calling out and not getting a reply Victor left Don and swam to shore. He ran down the road calling for Micheal, nothing. Then a truck came by and they hadn’t seen any one.

They got Don out of the lake, but they had to drag the lake the next morning and found Micheal, he had drowned only a few yards from shore; they figured he had succumbed to the cold. Victor had a horrible time dealing with his brother’s death and at the reception we had at our house after the funeral he ran off down the street so consumed with grief I imagine he was trying to out run it.

I went to go after him and my older brother John (a weight trainer, who was solid muscle) stopped me and said he’d go. A while later I saw the most heart wrenching scene I have ever seen; coming across the front lawn was my brother with tears running down his face packing Victor in his arms like a baby. He packed him into the bedroom and tucked him into bed.

That Thanksgiving my mom was cooking the Turkey and she thought it would be too painful for Victor to say what he was grateful for so she didn’t do it. When we got home Victor said,”We didn’t say what we were thankful for this year” I told him my mom didn’t think we should because it would be too hard on him. He said,”But I’ve been thinking about what I was going to say for weeks.” I told him to phone my mom and tell her.” So he did. Micheal loved the thankfulness thing and would have been proud of his brother.

Another favorite Thanksgiving was while I was living at Cultus Lake. It was a fall similar to this year, very warm sunny days and brisk cold nights. The salmon were spawning, the crowds of summer had left until next year, the lake was like glass and the full time residents were out walking enjoying having their lake back. I wasn’t going to do a big dinner, my mom and step dad were on vacation, my cousin had plans, it was just Kris and I and I was quite looking forward to not having a house full. Then my brother called and asked if he could bring a date for Thanksgiving dinner.

Me: Oh! uh! sure! See you tomorrow, whenever you get here will be fine.

I jumped in the car and ripped down the hill to buy a turkey. There was no time to thaw a turkey so I had to spend the extra money and buy a fresh one. It was bar none THE best Thanksgiving dinner I have ever eaten or cooked. I kept it simple, Brussels Sprouts in a cream sauce, home made stuffing, no sausage, or nuts; just good old fashioned bread stuffing with fresh herbs from my garden. mashed potatoes, sweet potato broiled with brown sugar glaze, corn, and my favorite casserole of broccoli, cauliflower and Durkee onions. I had everything prepared the night before so it was just a matter of popping things in the oven.

I put the bird in the oven and walked to the lake, stopping to have a chat with my girlfriend Tina on the way. She joined me for a glass of wine on the dock. It was such a beautiful day, so warm I decided to take a dip in the lake with my clothes on,and was just going up to the house looking like a drowned rat when my brother pulled up with his “flavor of the week”, a gorgeous model. I got changed and we went for a long walk, played in the playground.

My brother pushed me on the merry go round until I couldn’t walk and thought I was going to be sick, then we wandered home. I had no idea how long to cook a fresh turkey but before we even opened the door we could smell its deliciousness. Dinner was flawless and we ate until we had to undo our pants moaning and groaning asking each other,”Why do I always do this?” They stayed the night and I sent home leftovers for both of them. It was a glorious day.

This year I am thankful I have memories like that; so many wonderful memories.

Even the last year JC and I were together; he had told me he wanted me to move out, his sister was still staying with us and his mom had given us a turkey. The bird wouldn’t fit in our tiny oven so I decided to cook it on the barbeque. As always I made my own stuffing and this time I kept dinner really simple but it was so tasty. I wrote JC and his sister each a letter saying what about them I was thankful for. It was a very nice dinner, bitter sweet because it was like the last supper but we had good conversation even though JC had to say it was nice to finally get a decent meal. I went to bed alone.

In the morning there was a letter from JC on the table for me and he had shoved one under the door of his sisters bedroom. They were nice letters; too bad he didn’t mean what he wrote. Mine was blank on the first 1/2 and he started by saying,”I have no idea what I was supposed to write above.” Then he said he needed to change his attitude and promised he was going to change, things were going to change……for the better. Two weeks later he made us miss his nieces wedding.

Ah well. I am thankful I no longer hold false hope that he will change. I recently heard he has not changed at all. I’m not surprised but it is little consolation.

I am thankful I have healed as much as I have and I actually go days without crying.

I am thankful for everyone who visits my blog, them sharing their stories has helped me more than I ever thought it would and more than they could know.

I am amazed and thankful that I have had almost 43,000 hits and almost 200 followers. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would reach that many people.

Every time I check messages and there is one that says “thank god I found this site” or “You literally saved my life” I am thankful I started the blog and I am accomplishing what I set out to do.

I am thankful my son is working and happy, although I miss him horribly.

I am thankful he messaged me yesterday and said, “Everything is going to be ok. I love you” .
I messaged back. “Why do you say that!? Are you ok?? I love you too Honey”.
His reply: Lol I was being supportive; I know you’ve had a tough couple of years.
Me: Oh! Thank you but stop it! you had me worried.

I am thankful that my puppies love me.

I am thankful that I am not sleeping in my truck.

I am thankful I have hope for a better future because last year I didn’t have any hope. And without hope life isn’t worth living.

I am thankful I laugh regularly now.

I will be thankful when this weekend is over and I don’t feel so lonely.

     HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! to my friends all over the world. Tell me what you are thankful for this year or share a Thanksgiving memory.