I’ve listened to this mother/son duet 4 times and this morning sobbed listening to it again.
Before the N, I had no idea how low a person can get. I was so hopeless, I couldn’t imagine my life ever being ok again. I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again.
I was truly broken in every sense of the word. Everything I thought to be true was a lie. I didn’t know who I was. I had no idea how sick my mind had become. I hadn’t realized how screwed up my values had become.
I had no idea how strong I was until I survived what I never thought I could. I didn’t appreciate life until it was almost taken away. I never knew how talented I was until i had nothing to lose by trying something new. Until I had to rebuild myself.
I had never realized how shallow my mother was until I had to rebuild myself and examined my beliefs about myself. I saw and felt her inability to deal with the “shame” of my situation.
The worst hurt, the most damage, the hardest thing to over come was not the pain the narc caused in my life and heart; it was my mother’s negativity and selfishness. It took being broken to realize how she had handicapped me my whole life.
Once I came to that realization I was able to heal and eventually I was able to express my anger and pain to her and forgive her, even though I know she doesn’t really “get it”.
Listen to this mother and son and let it out. Have a good cry, let all the pain, fear, anger and self doubt out. Then go wash your face and do something. Anything, that has a positive impact on someone’s life, be it yours or a stranger’s. Just take a step forward. Know you can rise up.
You don’t need to know all the steps, you won’t know what the future holds and it is scary but trust me, the first step is the most important and the only one that counts. Until you make that first step, all the good things waiting for you can’t happen and you will remain in limbo. Rise Up! You aren’t alone. You are stronger than you know.