Tag Archives: infidelity

Grief and Forgiveness from Divorce Minister

 

After my post today I read this post from the divorce minister and I thought it complimented a lot of what I was saying today and have said many times in the past.

The narcissist expects immediate forgiveness and to be totally absolved of any crime he committed and demands he not be held accountable or have to prove himself in any way. The victim is expected to forgive and go on like nothing happened, no questions, no anger, no tears or suspicion,………. as James said to me, “I came clean, now you have to let it go because you are driving a wedge between us.” All the while living with another woman when he was out of the province.

I was just reading an article about a celebrity couple who are probably getting a divorce because of his infidelity, the article stated that when the woman found out she trashed the house, punched holes in the walls, throw the wedding photos in the pool and flushed her wedding ring and then she kicked him out of the house. I laughed because if that had been James there is no way on God’s green earth I would have gotten away with that kind of reaction. I would have been punched or choked for one thing, and like hell would he ever leave if I told him to. He would have called me a crazy psycho who drove him to screw around and he has had enough of my shit and this is exactly why he doesn’t think it will ever work because I have a warped view of the world and he can not live with my antics any more. He would have walked away from me and refused to discuss it until I calmed down and it would never get discussed because if I brought it up later he would accuse me of living in the past. 

Grief and Forgiveness

“My soul refused to be comforted.” – Psalm 77:2b (NASB).

“‘For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.’” – Jesus (Matthew 6:14-15, NASB).

I suspect that most Christian survivors of adultery have been told that they have to forgive their cheating spouses. A well-meaning pastor likely told them this as soon as the adultery came to light and anger appeared in the faithful spouse’s voice. Or, perhaps, the adulterer/adulteress led the charge in reminding the faithful spouse of the command I just quoted above from Jesus?

 

Regardless of who reminded the faithful spouse of this Scriptural mandate to forgive, I feel it is important to make a few comments and unpack the complexities surrounding forgiveness after adultery.

Click here to read the full article

Infidelity and Religion

if my wifer loved meOften times a victim of abuse is torn between leaving their abuser and their religious beliefs or they feel pressured by the church to forgive and forget, stay together for the children, they said “til death do us part” 
Wasn’t there anything in those vows about fidelity? I don’t recall the vows saying, “you have to stay until death but I get to cheat as much as I want and you have to forgive me because God says so”

Hebrews 13:4 ESV / 41 helpful votes

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

I found this quote today:

Infidelity—the absence of faithfulness—is a major cause of broken relationships, especially marriages. In any close relationship faithfulness and trust are vital. Most marriage ceremonies contain a statement from each party promising to be faithful to the other—often until death. Fulfilling such a promise involves each demonstrating faithfulness to the other by continual, loving actions.

M. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled , concludes that such commitment—such determination to faithfully perform one’s vows, promises and relational responsibilities—is essential in all successful relationships. He writes, “… Commitment is the foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving relationship” (p. 140)

You can read the rest of the post here.


oppositeIn my mind whether a couple is married or not, if they are having sex and saying they love each other they have made a commitment, but that does provide a loop hole for some people. “I didn’t do anything wrong, we aren’t married”. I did not need a marriage certificate to be committed to James, we had discussed our expectations of the relationship. I told him that I expected honesty above all else, I made it very clear from the beginning that I expected that if I was having sex with a man we would remain monogamous until such time one of us decided it wasn’t working for us. I didn’t have casual sex, he said he didn’t either, I had no fear of pregnancy with a preference for sex without a condom but with std’s that can kill you, we agreed we wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. Fidelity is more than marriage vows, it is trust, it is concern for the safety of your partner, it is having the decency of giving them the option of protecting themselves from diseases you are too stupid to protect yourself from. 

I always said to James that him wanting more than one sex partner was not wrong as long as he was honest and respected my right to not want to be with him if he chose to be with more than me. I made it very clear that I expected him to only have sex with me and not break up with me on day so he could screw around and then get back together the next day. My only expectation of him was to be honest with me.

I am not stupid or so naive to believe that just because a man tells me he loves me and will be faithful forever that at some point he won’t change his mind. People fall out of love all the time, people grow apart, goals change, what worked once no longer works. It hurts when the person you love wants out of the relationship but it is a lot easier than finding out by discovering they are being unfaithful.

But the ultimate in cruelty is when one partner insists they are faithful and the other person is just paranoid and then use their suspicions as an excuse for infidelity, “I thought I might as well do it seeing as you kept accusing me.” “If you trusted me I wouldn’t have to cheat” Huh???? 

To be told if you just, “trusted them”, “changed this or that about yourself.” That they love you and you are crazy to suspect them, “How can you have so little faith in their love?”

infidelty under the rugAnd THEN when they are discovered to be screwing around blame the victim for their infidelity and say that they have found their true soul mate and the ex made their life hell the whole time they were together. And THEN come crawling back asking for forgiveness and promising total honesty and fidelity only to do it all over again.  I can’t count how many times James had an epiphany, had received a message from God and realized I was the woman he loved. I am surprised he wasn’t struck by lightening right before my eyes.

I just read a post over at Chump Lady’s blog and she provided the link I gave earlier. 

What are your thoughts on religion and infidelity? married vows? how has religion affected your decisions with your N?

 

An Excellent Article On Infidelity

I came across this article today and thought it was well worth sharing. It is not specifically about narcissists but many of the questions are ones asked by the victims of narcissists and the answers are spot on to what I have said in reply to those same questions.

Over the course of my 15 years as a private investigator specializing in infidelity, I have dealt with thousands of cases. Many of my clients ask the same questions when they first come to see me. Even though every case I deal with is unique, it seems that the pain and rejection experienced by my clients unites them. The questions are still as heartfelt as the first time I took on a case of discovering infidelity, and my answers are built up for many years of experience.

1. If he wants her so much why does he stay with me?
Because he wants her as well as you. If he’s fallen head over heels in love with this woman and he can’t live without her then he might leave you for her, as some men do. The ones who don’t are just plain greedy.

2. Is it wrong to have him watched if I suspect he’s having an affair?
Absolutely not. Don’t ever feel guilty about protecting yourself. As his wife you have every right to know what he’s doing with your health, finances and emotions.

3. Why does he keep doing this to me? 
They keep doing it because they know (from experience) you will forgive them. Often women who are married to serial cheaters will scream and shout at their partner if they discover he has been cheating, but ultimately they don’t take any action.

Remember you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you’re not prepared to up the ante, then expect to continue living a life of emotional turmoil.

4. He’s lied so much to me. How can I ever trust what he says again?
To learn to trust someone again is extremely hard, and in some cases impossible. It is such an individual choice, and only you will know if you feel truly comfortable with what is being said and done. There’s no quick fix for infidelity. In fact, it can take literally years to restore trust.

Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner has understood the gravity of his immaturity and the choices he’s made, then you’ll never get over his infidelity.

5. I know he’s having a relationship, but is it sexual?
Of course it’s sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s looking at pornography, chatting with other women online, or physically having an affair, because in the end it is a desire for sex. If it was all so innocent then the only question you would have to ask your partner would be, “Would you do any or all of these things with me present?”

When you ask the question “Is it sexual?” what you’re doing is trying to justify your partner’s deception and to minimize your own emotional anguish.

6. Is it my fault?
How can it be your fault if you didn’t know it was happening?

Your husband may have tried to shift the blame onto you by saying if you were only more attentive, less busy, etc., he would never have done this. But for every action there is a reaction, so he should take responsibility for his actions.

7. I think my husband’s having an affair but he’s home every evening, so how can he be?
Many affairs are conducted during the day, mostly when both parties are married and going out in the evening would arouse suspicion. Many of my clients seem to think affairs are about long afternoons together, but in my experience they’re much more likely to be quickies during the day because remember, time isn’t the issue here; it’s all about sex.

8. Why won’t he tell me the truth? That’s all I ask.
In majority of cases, his lies are to avoid having to face your anger and hurt if he tells you the truth. He hopes that denying it will make it go away and you’ll give up asking. He lies to protect his ego and often to protect the other woman, fearing that you will use the information to undermine him or her. And finally, he may fear that the truth will damage his image in the eyes of others.

9. Do I need to prove the identity the other woman now that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce?
Initially, needing to know has nothing to do with money and everything to do with uncovering deceit. Uncovering emotional deceit often leads to uncovering financial deceit. That’s when needing to know has everything to do with money and divorce settlements.

10. Should I stay for the children?
Children easily pick up on tension at home and can blame themselves for what’s going on. If you choose to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, one happy parent is always better than two warring parents.

11. When I say I’m going to leave, why does my partner not take me seriously?
Because you didn’t leave. Threats without action are worth nothing.