Tag Archives: infidelity

HELLO?? This is Your Gut Speaking

ImageEveryone has experienced that almost audible voice that is telling you what you should do but you ignore it; does it ever work out for you? I am sure almost everyone coming here can relate to wanting something so bad that no matter what happens you are focussed on what YOU want but it seems no matter what you do there are roadblocks in your way, you just deal with one and another appears. I have found that when something is too difficult to attain it usually isn’t meant to be. I have learned (and it was a tough lesson to learn) that if I am indecisive I am better off to just wait it out; some how things work out the way they should.

People get uncomfortable being quiet, they don’t like to listen to that voice because they don’t want to hear what it has to say but if you really tune into it, it can become such a big part of your every day life and so natural that you hardly think about it; but you have to be willing to go through a period of being uncomfortable and you have to learn to be very in tune with your body.

When people come in here and they are almost panicked because the N wants them back and they don’t know what to do; the reason they are feeling so anxious is because they aren’t listening to their gut instincts, it is very simple and straight forward really.

I remember feeling uncomfortable throughout the relationship with JC, right from the beginning but I hushed the voice telling me something wasn’t right, I told myself the reason I felt uncomfortable was because I wasn’t accustomed to being loved so completely, I wasn’t used to allowing a man to take care of me and it was going to take a while for me to get used to not being in control all the time. I recalled various conversations I had in the past and they influenced the decisions I made with JC.

In my past I had been very “black and white” with my boundaries and had been very tough on my first husband, I was young and I had high standards and ideals and I wasn’t willing to compromise them. I was demanding, I admit it and would admit it to my 1st husband now. Age and experience has mellowed me for certain. I relaxed as years went by but even when I met JC I had high standards as far as moral and ethical boundaries, I had no tolerance for dishonesty, unscrupulous dealings with people, infidelity, and I valued authentic people and had little time for phonies. JC presented himself to be all the things I valued and none of the things I despised. So it didn’t make sense to me that I would feel this uncomfortable in my gut, but I had changed a few things about how I operated in a relationship. I thought I was learning from earlier mistakes and becoming a better person. I had been told by more than one fellow that I was too self sufficient and it made them feel they weren’t needed in my life. I always thought that was a compliment to a man, that I chose to be with them because I enjoyed their company not because I needed them. I had always been the one to end the relationship; because I always owned the home and I was the major wage earner at the end of the relationship I was the one to make sure they took enough from the relationship to start over on their own. Men never left a relationship with me worse off than when they came in. I had never cared what a man had or what kind of job he did, as long as he was hard-working I was willing to share what I had; to a degree. I never put a man’s name on my house, I kept the finances separate, I was protective of my assets because I worked hard for them, they were my security and I had a child to raise.

Then one day at work a woman I worked with, Janet got angry with me because I was saying I would never put a man’s name on my house. She had been married for 20+ years to the same man and thought that if I loved someone I should trust them enough to blindly put everything into joint names. We had quite a heated argument about it and I didn’t change my mind but it stayed with me. Also I had girlfriends who had men buy them expensive gifts, my one girlfriend even had a car bought for her but I I didn’t want to “owe” any man anything. I had been told that I was actually insulting men by not accepting gifts. When I met JC he seemed so perfect, all these things were running through my head. I was in my 40’s, not looking for a relationship BUT one appeared to have fallen in my lap and it seemed to be the love of a life time; I didn’t want to screw it up by being too independent. I decided to relax and not be so protective of my independence, allow a man to spoil me. I kept telling myself that was the uncomfortable feeling I was experiencing, I wasn’t used to allowing a man to do as much as JC did for me, I saw him more than I usually saw men I had just started dating, I figured it would take some time to feel comfortable with it all.

I even had a dream early in the relationship where JC was standing with his arm around another woman and laughing at me. I was crying, begging him to talk to me and he was kissing this other woman, they were both laughing at me and walked away. I woke up with a start, tears streaming down my face. JC wasn’t in bed, he was on the computer, I went and kneeled by his chair putting my hands on his leg, he looked at me; it was the first time I noticed something cold about how he looked at me but I chalked it up to my dream. I told him about my dream and he was not the least bit reassuring and basically acted annoyed to be interrupted. I asked him to come to bed and he said he would be there in a minute, I went to bed, eventually fell asleep and he came to bed sometimes later, we had sex and fell back to sleep. The next day I tried to put the dream out of my mind which I did for many years.

Little did I know that the dream was predicting what would come 10 years down the road.

Many times during the 10 years I was with JC I had gut instincts about something and even if I didn’t find out until years later, every gut instinct I had was proven right. I would tell myself that I was just getting used to his lies and a person didn’t have to be psychic to know he was going to have personal ads, or date other women. But there was more to it than that, we could go weeks, months, without me having a gut feeling about something and then out of the blue I would have a feeling he was up to something. I would try to ignore it, but it would be so strong it would start to occupy my every thought, gnawing at my stomach until I went snooping, which was totally out of character for me, I never snooped in previous relationships. It would seem as if I knew exactly where to look because it never took long to find some evidence of infidelity.

We have discussed gut instinct before and being able to sense danger, but I don’t think it has to be danger necessarily, I think we all have the ability to sense when we are being lied to. I know I say I never saw it coming but if I am honest I DID sense things were not right, I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was and was afraid if I walked away from JC I would be walking away from the greatest love of my life.

Related posts you may want to check out. https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/05/24/article-from-huffington-post/

Society’s Changing Views On Infidelity

This article was in Huffington Post today and it hit a nerve with me. Society in general has become nonchalant about alot of things infidelity, domestic violence, lying politicians. It is almost expected that people will lie about you, manipulate you and if you are so niave you end up getting hurt.then shame on you. I know I don’t talk about my relationship with JC with just anyone because I don’t want to have to defend myself for being gullible, a sucker, too forgiving or weak. Tell me what you think.

Tracy Schorn
Jul 16, 2013
It used to be infidelity was considered dangerous and full of tragic consequence. Mess with another’s man’s wife? You might wind up dead. Sleep with a married man? You were a “home wrecker.” If you were the chump, society understood that you’d be full of rage and temporarily insane with grief. We had “crimes of passion.” We understood that the pain of betrayal drove ordinary people to extremes.That’s been the conventional wisdom going back through the ages — to Shakespearean tragedies. Othello weeps and agonizes, before killing Desdemona just on the (wrongful) suspicion that she’s been unfaithful. “Yet she must die, else she’ll betray more men.”

Elizabethans understood that to cheat on someone who loved you was to destroy them.My wife! my wife! what wife? I have no wife. O insupportable! O heavy hour! Methinks it should be now a huge eclipse Of sun and moon, and that the affrighted globe Should yawn at alteration.Or check out the old British folk song Matty Groves. Lord Donald’s wife cheats on him with Matty Groves. He finds the couple in bed and tells the naked man to have one of his swords and strike him first, before asking:”So how do you like my feather bed? And how do you like my sheets? And how do you like my lady who lies in your arms asleep?”Lord Donald kills Matty Groves and when his wife says she enjoyed kissing Matty better than him, he drives a knife through her heart and buries the cheaters together in the same grave. “But bury my lady at the top, for she was of noble kin.”Or the blues song Frankie and Albert (also known as Frankie and Johnny) — where Frankie shoots her unfaithful lover.”Boohoo, boohoo, boohoo, Frankie cried, ‘Baby what have I done? I shot the only man that I loved with a Colt 41.’ She shot that man, ’cause he was doing her wrong.”It is certainly a societal improvement that we don’t romanticize such bloodthirstiness now. (Although people still kill each over other cheating.) But in my opinion, the pendulum has swung over to a new extreme — nonchalance about infidelity.

The emphasis of wrong-doing is placed on the chump now instead of the betrayer. Chumps didn’t manage their expectations appropriately. Their inadequacies drove their partners to cheat on them. They must own their part in that! These false equivalencies — that your faults are commensurate with acts of betrayal — seem to be the new norm.

Today in our culture, Iago would say to Othello — “Dude, get over it already.” Lord Donald would probably commit murder suicide from the shame of being chumped. And Frankie and Albert would go to marriage counseling, where the shrink would ask Frankie why she wasn’t meeting Albert’s needs. What was her part in driving Albert into the arms of Nelly Bly?As a culture, we used to understand that infidelity drove people out of their minds’ with pain. Now it’s a big whatever.

In our narcissistic age we ask — did you get played for a sucker? Well, that’s your fault. You expected too much. What did you do to make them do that? And we don’t want consequences or unseemly drama. Get over it already! Sentimentality is for suckers. Commitment is for chumps. Only unsophisticated rubes expect people to keep their promises to them. You fell for that? Did you give too much? Well, that was your choice then, wasn’t it? Surely you didn’t expect reciprocity. Didn’t you have a Plan B? You put all the eggs in that basket? That was sure dumb of you. As my ex-husband said to me after I discovered his serial infidelities — “Don’t be such a Pollyanna. Everybody cheats.”The problem wasn’t that he cheated. No, the problem was that I didn’t manage my expectations of him properly. How dare I be upset that he didn’t keep his commitments! My heartbreak was just a symptom of my naivety. Of being an unsophisticated Pollyanna.

There isn’t anything wrong with chumps for assuming that their partners would be faithful. There is something terribly wrong, however, with a culture that thinks you should shrug at infidelity, and better yet — be friends with the person who betrayed you. Have Thanksgiving dinners together! Be progressive and evolved! Do it for the kids!

Lord Donald didn’t throw dinner parties with Matty Groves. He told the man who screwed his wife to put his pants on, take his best shot — and then he killed him. I’m not advocating chump violence. I’m advocating understanding. Chumps are entitled to their grief and anger. They are entitled to a chilly distance from people who betrayed them.

The world must recognize once again that infidelity is life altering, tragic and terrifying. Betrayal is not a big shrug. It is fully human to love completely. We are wired to bond and it’s not naive to do so. We are not unsophisticated to expect people to honor their commitments to us. On the contrary, chumps are a better class of people because they do honor their commitments. And if they haven’t stabbed anyone through the heart over this? I think they’re doing pretty good.

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck