Tag Archives: inner peace

3 Million Hits

Three Million Hits!! Compared to many blogs out there, 3 million is no big deal when they are spread out over almost 7 yrs, but for me it is mind blowing that, that many people found value in what I had to say. The fact that I have almost 3000 followers who actually signed up for more posts from me is equally unbelieveable! As I have said before; when I first started my blog my only hope was that some day, some random woman would be searching the net trying to figure out, “what the hell happened to me?”, stumble upon my blog and know she is not alone. 

My tag line at the time was something like; “I don’t know where I am going but you are welcome to join me on my journey to find answers.”

It took a few months before I even had one hit; and that almost gave me an anxiety attack! It was fine and dandy as long as no one was actually reading what I wrote. I started to realize I was far from alone with my pain and confusion, I was getting hits from all corners of the world, from straight people to gay, rich and poor, young and old, religious and atheist, men and women; there was an epidemic world wide!! And there weren’t a lot of people talking about it, not honestly, there were blogs that told you what to do, leave. But no one was talking about the insanity of living with a narcissist, the roller coaster ride of emotions, gas lighting, manipulation and how absolutely helpless the victim feels. I remember the first time I decided to share some of the absolutely bizarre things my ex did; I was so afraid everyone would think I was crazy, lying, or deserving of the abuse I received, but the response I got was the exact opposite! I had more comments than ever before, people saying, “OMG! That happened to me too” or “It’s like you lived my life”.

It seemed the more personal experienced I shared the more people could relate to what I was saying and I felt an even greater responsibility to speak honestly and openly AND to not give up on my journey to find answers and ultimately heal myself. I couldn’t very well kill myself when I had all these people coming to me for answers, I didn’t want anyone to think dying was the answer. 

I look back now over the almost 7 years since I started this journey and I am amazed at; how my life has changed, how much I have grown, how much I have learned about myself and other people, and how rewarding the blog has been and how my attitude has changed from 7 years ago. I no longer think of my ex as the worst thing that ever happened to me and now view him as the catalyst to one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I believe he ever had any intention of being a positive influence in my life. I give myself credit for turning a negative into a positive and not allowing him to destroy me as he intended.

It has been a gradual thing and I have had my obstacles along the way that I can’t blame on my ex, but I learned one very important thingthrough the blog, I can be totally honest about my mistakes, voice my honest opinion and I am accepted and even liked for who I am. I never knew inner peace, no matter how strong I had been or obstacles I over came prior to meeting my ex; I never had true inner peace and had always struggled with self doubt.  I learned one very important truth through all this, self doubt comes from not living true to your core self, it comes when we try to be someone we are not, someone we think other people want us to be, because we feel like an impostor. I also learned that I don’t want to change who I am, I may not like everything about myself but I am a work in progress and I will strive to be a better person until the day I die. I also learned that we all screw up and we can all make amends, get back on the horse, forgive ourselves and make tomorrow a fresh start. Living with regret serves no useful purpose, learn from the past, yes; but to dwell on the past only ruins your future and to worry about the future and what might happen ruins your today. 

I had always worried I would never find my purpose for being here. Finding their purpose is not something everyone concerns themselves with but I feel I my purpose is the same as everyone’s purpose, be the best person I can be and help others if I can; by sharing my experiences and what I have learned. 

I was afraid that when I was unable to post to the blog it would die and fade away, but it continues to grow (albeit at a slower pace) and attract followers. Just the other day I received another thank you from someone who was helped by the blog. I always appreciate hearing from people who were helped in some way but as with any time I give, whether it is money, time or compassion; over the years I have received so much more back.

So today I want to thank you, my followers and readers. Thank you for sharing your story, for your support, (emotionally and financially) throughout the years. Thank you for coming along on my journey. Although I would say I am healed, my journey continues because it is a life long journey of self discovery and acceptance.

I was with Stella yesterday and she was laying in the sun. Some people were walking by andshe got up to greet them. They said what a lucky dog she is to have a mom a who provides her such a good life. I replied that she has never known anything else and probably doesn’t fully appreciate how good she has it. I thought for a second and added, “her momma has it pretty good also”.  I may not like where I live, I may not be where I had thought I would be at this age but all in all, right now; my life is good.  I always think about the serenity prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

Courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The Top Ten Truths 6 Years Out

I titled this the top ten truths after 6 years out because I am sure you will discover, as I did; that the longer you are out of the relationship with a narcissist the clearer your thinking becomes and what matters to you changes dramatically.

I left my ex in November 2010 and thought I would love him forever and couldn’t live without him. Now 6 years out, six years, SIX YEARS!! OUT !! I can not believe how different my attitude is, how much I have grown as a person and how much inner peace I have found.

Today I wanted to share with you some of the major truths I have discovered personally since leaving the narcissist/psychopath and focussing on MY recovery and happiness.

#1. I CAN survive without him in my life and once I stopped torturing myself with thoughts of “what could have been”, “how unfair it was that I invested so much into the relationship”, stopped trying to justify my actions while in the relationship and stopped wondering how he was treating the new woman; I was able to work on me.

#2. I am not that powerful. I do not have the power to turn a normal loving man into a psychopath and I certainly do not have the ability to change a psychopath into a normal loving human being.

#3. I was not happy. I was so busy trying to make him happy I totally over looked the fact that he could not make me happy and wasn’t even willing to try to make me happy.

#4. Not everyone is going to like me or love me and that is ok. I don’t like everyone I meet so what makes me think I am so great that everyone should love me? Some people are not meant to be friends, that is no reflection on my worth as a person.

#5. Never make decisions because you feel pressured. If you don’t know what you should do, do nothing. Often times the answer will come on its own. Very rarely is there a need to make a decision in panic or anxiety, usually when we feel panicked about something it is because other people are pressuring us. Take time to yourself away from the person pressuring you and use your logical, rational self to decide. ie: the narcissist is pressuring you to go back and try again. You don’t know if you should. What is the worst that can happen if you make him wait? He finds someone else? then your decision is made for you isn’t it?

#6. You can have inner peace even when your world is falling apart. If you live true to your core beliefs and never allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you are uncomfortable with and if you speak your truth with kindness but conviction; you will always have inner peace no matter what is going on in your life. People confuse inner peace with having everything perfect in your life. But we can have everything we ever thought we needed and wanted and not have inner peace.

#7. You can have disagreements with people and still have a relationship with them. It’s ok to get angry, it is ok to say no, it is ok to walk away. We/I had always worried about what people thought of me, made choices in my life based on what other’s thought I should do or even more dangerous, based on what I thought they wanted me to do. When I decided to live true to myself I found I had to stand up for myself a lot more…….. and that was ok. It felt uncomfortable at first but it got easier and now it feels damn good! I refuse to be pressured into anything and if I am feeling pressured I remove myself from the situation (this year it meant I walked out of my mom’s house on Mother’s Day. I felt a bit of guilt over it, for a short while, but I thought about it and to do anything else would have not been living my truth. She was wanting me to make a decision about a place to live, I was unsure about it, in fact I hated it. So I was taking time to make the decision. As it turns out I did move into the place but negotiated a much better rent, and I still hate the place, it is not home to me, but it was the best option I had/have for now. BUT I have inner peace about it because I made the decision on my own and not because she pressured me into it. Recently she told me, now she can see why I don’t like it and why I was so hesitant.

#8. You will never make everyone happy, there is always going to be someone who thinks you aren’t doing it right, whatever “it” is, so you might as well make yourself happy by living true to yourself.

#9. Living true to yourself does not mean you are being selfish, in fact it makes it easier to be unselfish. If you only do things that are true to your core values and desires; then you can give freely without expectations or disappointments.

#10. When you start living true to your core self there is no need for approval, no need to be right, no guilt, and no need to control.

The greatest truth I learned since leaving my ex is: I am enough, I am a good person and when I live true to my core self and stop listening to other people tell me who I am or should be; I am more confident and self assured. I am at peace.

Expectations – Do They Set Us Up For Disappointment?

I received a birthday greeting from someone from the blog this week, this woman’s relationship ended one month before mine and she was saying how much the blog helped her to heal. Five years after D day and this is how she closed her message; it brought tears to my eyes;

“My peace is now profound.  I do so enjoy my life now and am still very happily single and doing so much with it!”

Read that again and really soak it in. Do you understand why those two lines made me tear up? 

Some people never attain inner peace, I am not even sure most people know what inner peace is; they are so focused on finding “happiness”, waiting for someone else to bring them joy, being disappointed over and over again when people don’t live up to their expectations. It is impossible to find peace while you are waiting for other people to give you happiness, your worth, your reason for being here. My ex used to blame me for him hurting me; one of his favorite lines was, “If you had no expectations you wouldn’t be disappointed”.  Eventually I stopped having any expectations of him or anyone else and I went numb inside. I shut off all feelings, oh sure it still hurt when he didn’t come home at night, but I stopped expecting him to be home. If he showed up, great; if he didn’t, oh well. His sister even said to me, “Aren’t you pissed? where is he? how can you just calmly sit there? I would be losing it if it was MY boyfriend.”

I had learned that to react only meant I would have to deal with more gas lighting,  more blame shifting, more word salad and just might get me a punch to the head; but worse than any of that…… I would be told how little value I had and that no man would want me or put up with what my ex had and my soul could not take it.

What was the point to getting angry? nothing ever changed and more importantly;  I was not prepared to leave. I felt my happiness, my very existence relied on my ex loving me and me pleasing my ex. Him showing any kind of approval or acceptance had become my life support. 

Is it possible to have any relationship and not have expectations? I don’t think so. We all have expectations of the people in our lives and they of us. The secret of having expectations is to not let them ruin your inner peace. 

My ex used to use another Dr. Phil Type quote, “No one else can be responsible for your happiness.”

Also a very true statement, but it needs clarification. NO, no one is responsible for your happiness but they can be responsible for your unhappiness and if you find you are consistently unhappy with someone it is your responsibility to not let them ruin your happiness. When my ex said his actions should not affect MY mood, it was a cop out. He was taking a true statement and twisting it to suit his purpose. 

It is true that no one can make you feel worthless unless you let them. A victim of a narcissist doesn’t see it coming and by the time the N is making them feel worthless they are so far down they can’t see the sun any more. But once you know what you are dealing with you have to break the spell and save yourself. It is hard, dang hard, I know and I remember having long talks with myself for a couple of years after leaving him. You are breaking an addiction to his approval, it is going to take time, don’t give up.

Keep reminding yourself that you can not control him or his actions, only your own. You can not fix him, only yourself, to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results is a sign of insanity. 

Before my ex I was an independent woman who took shit from no one, male or female. ( I had a long fuse, but once I reached my limit I was not wishy washy in defending myself and sticking to my guns) Everyone who knew me was waiting for me to have my fill and kick him to the curb; I was waiting for me to have my fill and kick him to the curb, walk away. It never happened.

A common lament of victim’s of a narcissist is, “I am not the same person. Will I ever get the old me back?”

The answer is “No”.

It is not possible to sleep with the devil, LOVE the devil and ever be the same again. BUT you can be a better version of yourself, you CAN find inner peace and a whole new life.

When I met my ex I had high expectations of everyone in my life but I worked very hard to exceed the expectations of the people around me. My self worth was very much wrapped up in the approval of others. I loved to entertain and cook for people but the torture I put myself through making sure the house was spotless, the meal was perfection and I was the epitome of a perfect host was not worth it.

Because of my own high expectations of myself I had given everyone who knew me a false sense of who I was. 

I also drank a lot!! because deep down I am a shy person and needed the liquid courage.

To put it plain and simple; I was not living true to myself, I was living up to other people’s expectations of who they thought I should be and who I thought they thought I should be. But one thing for sure, I was not living true to my core self. The only way to ever have inner peace is to be living true to yourself.

People have asked me how I can have inner peace when I am homeless and my life is in such turmoil. Inner peace has nothing to do with your outward world; it has to do with what is going on inside. For the first time in my life I am living true to MY standards, what is important to ME, and by MY moral code of conduct.

Some people don’t like it, they expect me to still jump through their hoops and live according to their rules. We all have to abide by common courtesy rules and have respect for other people’s rights and possessions. I am not talking about being like a narcissist and ignoring everyone else’s rights or just doing whatever we damn well please any time we damn well please. There is a happy middle ground.

It is not narcissistic to live according to your own standards and not accept bad treatment. 

I am not saying to become selfish to a fault, only to stop looking to others for your self worth, learn who you are inside, accept who you are. You ARE a good person, and if you find something about yourself you don’t like, you can change it. No one is perfect, NO ONE, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has some baggage. You are not defined by your mistakes or other’s opinion of you; only you can decide your worth.

I have always valued my reputation, even after my ex and I split I was proud that my reputation was intact. Well, he set about destroying that too and with some people he succeeded in changing their view of me. I struggled with that, a lot!! but when it comes right down to it, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except live MY truth and carry on.

Like someone wise person said once, “What other people think of us is none of our business.”

What gives a person inner peace is living true to yourself no matter what other think or say.

That my friends is probably the hardest and greatest lesson I have taken away from being with a narcissist.