Tag Archives: Internet Dating

Finding Love When You Least Expect It.

Haven’t you had a friend tell you that they met the love of their life when they had given up on it. “When you stop looking for it and least expect it, that is when you’ll meet “the one”.

I recently watched Dirty John on Netflix and was blown away by how it paralleled my relationship with my ex at every turn. The same instant attraction, the same miscommunications, the same misunderstandings.

Like Debra, I was sick of the losers I was meeting on Plenty Of Fish. They were never what they professed to be. I had even removed my ad and vowed I was done with men, at least internet men. There was one lawyer I had already started talking to over the phone and when I told him I was done with meeting men. He argued that seeing as we had already started talking we should at least meet.

We lived about an hour and a half apart but I was going to be in a small village, about half way between our houses; to book my staff xmas party. If he could meet me there I was willing. He agreed.

I was to meet him at a bar across the street from the restaurant at 5 pm that Wednesday evening.

I was too embarrassed to admit I had already deleted his pics off my computer and didn’t remember what he looked like.
I figured it would be easy enough to pick him out. How many guys could there be by himself, in the bar on a Wednesday night looking like he is looking for someone?!

I got to the bar early, ordered myself a glass of dry white wine and messaged him I was there. He said he was running late and just leaving the office. A quick calculation of rush hour traffic x distance, told me, best case scenario, I had at least an hour to kill. “Great! I already regret agreeing to meet him. I know I don’t like him from talking on the phone, meeting in person isn’t going to change that.

I finished my wine, checked the time, “He shouldn’t be much longer“, ordered another wine and decided to go for a smoke on the outside patio. I got a few cat calls and offers of a place to sit from a few guys.

It was not unusual for me to draw attention from men. I knew I was looking good that night, (in my younger days I could turn heads) 😉 I had on a short jumper dress that made my legs look 5 feet long, 3 inch heels, dark hose, and my shoulder length sun bleached hair was in my usual “freshly fucked” look. (My brother’s description)

I was keeping my eye on the door in case he walked in. Just as I was heading back to my table I saw a guy come through the door. He was very handsome, curly short black hair, glasses, worn jeans, cowboy boots, a crisp white shirt undone just enough to show a little chest hair and stylish black leather bomber type jacket. He looked like he smelled good. He stopped and casually scanned the bar.

Hmmm he’s better looking than I remember. This might work out better than I expected” He was still looking around when I start to walk towards him. Our eyes connected, he smiled, dimples, chiselled chin, clean shaven, nice!
It must be him“.

I gave him a huge smile and started to raise my arms as if to give him a hug as I walked towards him. I could tell he was prepared to hug me back.

At the last moment it hit me, he can’t possibly be my date!
Abort! Abort! He’s much too young! too tall, too handsome….. abort!!”

My first impression was that he was a preppy, university, rich kid trying to look like a bad boy, not a 40 something lawyer.

I took a sharp turn to the left and sat at my table against the window. “Thank God my wine had arrived while I was making a fool out of myself.”

I was sitting there staring out the window, wishing Scotty would just beam me up. “You idiot! That guy must think you are crazy! You almost hugged a complete stranger!! Oh God!! Where is that asshole lawyer??! When I finish this glass of wine I am leaving!!
I was so deep into berating myself I was startled when I heard a soft, sexy male voice ask if he could buy me a drink.

I looked to my right and saw his faded jeans, looking up I got a closer look at the chiseled chin and dimpled smile, smiling blue eyes, and

I stuttered, “Excuse me?”
He laughed and said, “I was asking if I could buy you a drink or are you waiting for someone.”

I could feel my face getting hot as I smiled and said I was waiting for someone, thanks anyway.

He shrugged and said, “I figured you probably were but would have never forgiven myself if I hadn’t asked. You can’t blame a guy for trying. Have a good night.”
I watched him walk back to his table, he had an easy confident stride, cowboy boots type of stride, nice! Yes! I shamelessly checked out his butt, don’t even try to tell me you wouldn’t! No slack in the ass jeans there! His jeans fit perfectly! I loves me a man with jeans that fit or more to the point; an ass that fits his jeans. “Shit!”

I had to use the washroom which required walking right past the handsome stranger’s table.
He was on his phone when I went past the first time but he gave me a little wave and smile. When I came out he was off his phone, I walked past but stopped and went back.

“I feel I owe you an explanation for almost hugging you earlier. I’m not crazy, really.”

He laughed and admitted he was curious.
I explained I was waiting for a blind date and had mistaken him for my date but realized he couldn’t possibly be him at the last moment. He laughed and asked why I didn’t know what the guy looked like so I explained about having a personal ad and taking it down, deleting the pics etc. He asked what I thought of internet dating, he had been thinking about trying it but never had. I told him I wasn’t impressed and would stick to the old fashioned way of meeting men.

I went back to my table but decided to go for another smoke, again walking past his table. We smiled and said Hi as I passed. “He must think I am stalking him I keep walking past him.”

While having my smoke I decided that I was just going to leave, this was rediculous. On my way past the handsome stranger’s table he handed me a folded slip of paper, “If your date doesn’t work out I hope you’ll call me.”

Just as I took the note from him, he said, “I think your date is here.”

I looked up at the exact time I was taking the slip and my date’s eyes and mine met as I quickly stuffed the note in my pocket.

I went up to him and introduced myself, he said, “A friend of yours?”

“No.”

There was NO chemistry with lawyer dude. I took an immediate dislike to him. He was loud, obnoxious, and made sure the whole bar heard how much his car cost, that he was a lawyer, how much he spent at the last restaurant he went to etc etc. I was embarrassed to have anyone think I would like someone like that or have the handsome stranger think I would be attracted to anyone that shallow. I hadn’t heard of narcissists yet so I would later describe him as a pompous ass lawyer.

Handsome stranger joked easily with the waitress, paid his bill, went back to his table and slipped a $5 tip under his empty beer bottle, and left, smiling and waving discreetly from behind my dates back. I felt like yelling, “Come back!”

My date droned on and on about himself. “Does he even notice I am not listening to him?” I had to purposely keep my mind from drifting.

The handsome stranger came back in. He caught my eye and smiled, I rolled my eyes, he laughed, got some matches from the waitress and walked out.

I interrupted my date, “I’ve got to go. Sorry. I have an hour drive home and have work tomorrow.”
He was angry. He had just got here.
I said, “Exactly. I’ve been waiting for almost 2 hours. I’m going home.”

He asked if he could see me again and I said, “I don’t think we have much in common, I don’t think another date is a good idea.” I put a $20 on the table and walked out.

In the car I unfolded the slip of paper, the stranger’s name was scrawled across it with his phone number.

My teenaged son had been bugging me to start dating, I had been single a year and a half since my 3rd marriage ended. He was anxious to know how my date went when I walked through the door. I told him about the night, the lawyer and the handsome stranger.

My son said, “Call him Mom!!”

I never called men, “Really? You think I should call? Now?”

My son, “Sure Mom. He gave you his number, call him. What have you got to lose?”

“You’re sure?”

“Call!!”

And so my Harlequin Romance began.

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It seems internet dating sites are the most popular way for people to meet a partner, it saves times, you get to learn about a person’s interests, personality and likes and dislikes before you even meet, On Plenty of Fish you can take the Chemistry Compatibility Test, on OK Cupid you answer questions and are matched up with prospective dates according to how many questions you answer alike.
EHarmony picks your matches for you based on a questionnaire and personality test you both fill out. There are so many dating sites offering different ways to find the love of your life you could spend years on the internet, fall in love numerous times and never leave the comfort of your pj’s and living room.
There are sites where everyone is there to simply hook up for sex and if that is what a person is looking for more power to them, it’s not my cup of tea but Hey I respect their honesty! I would rather have a guy tell me straight up, “I am only looking for a quick roll in the hay” or as one guy so eloquently put it, “How about sitting on my face?” It gives the other person the opportunity to hit “DELETE” without any of the “who pays for dinner?, should we split the bill? how the hell did I get myself into this?” bullshit of going on an actual date. In theory it is a great idea and many people have met their life partner online dating but unfortunately it is also the perfect setting for predators to find an innocent victim.
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I didn’t meet JC through an online site, I met him the old fashioned way; in a bar. It also used to be said that you would never find true love in a bar, but i know several people who did. No matter what method you use to find a man you are taking a chance and need to be diligent about protecting yourself emotionally, physically and financially. I am not saying that men can’t or don’t fall prey to a predatory just like women do, both genders, straight or gay, all nationalities and religions have to be careful and proactive about personal safety regardless of how they meet someone.
Like I said, I met JC face to face in a bar, ironically while I was waiting to meet up with a man I had met through an online dating site.  I had already decided I was done with on line dating because I was sick of reading a guy’s profile, talking to him on the phone, making clear what I was looking for, (at least 6′ tall, I am 5’11” and short guys love tall women and tend to think a tall woman makes up for their lack of height plus I hate to feel like I can squish the man I am in bed with, gainfully employed, no small children, my son was grown and out of the house I didn’t want wee ones in my life any more, I was self sufficient and independent and expected the same) only to meet the guy and find out his is living in his mother’s basement with his 6 year old daughter and isn’t working at the moment because he feels it is important for him to be there when she gets home from school, or he is 5’6″ but owns a really big truck.  I was also sick of men insisting on chatting online even after meeting, there is something suspicious about not wanting to TALK on the phone, not text, but real-time-you-have-to-give-me-your-full-attention-for-5-minutes conversation. One of the things that attracted me to JC from the very first conversation was that he didn’t even own a computer! Oh stop my beating heart, a man who knows how to have a conversation just like in the olden days! Mind you that was almost 15 years ago, Facebook hadn’t even been invented yet. AND I don’t have to tell you how this wonderful union ended, so no guarantees of meeting Mr Right face to face either.
After being out of the dating pool for over 12 years I didn’t really know what to expect so I joined several dating sites just to snoop around and see who was out there, hang out in the shallow end to get an idea of what the expectations were of the people bobbing around in the deep end of the pool.
To be honest, I was a little blown away that JC had managed to find a woman so quickly and that she moved him in within weeks. I was quite confident he was going to have a hard time finding a woman who would tolerate what I had for years. When I had met him he had a lot going for him, or so I thought but I thought he was pretty lucky that I stuck it out like I did because he wasn’t so hot any more. (I didn’t know at the time that he was a psychopath who was about to morph into the catch of the day).  Not to say I didn’t find him attractive, because I always did, well almost always, there were periods of time when he wasn’t terrible concerned with hygiene reserving his “handsome” self for when he went out without me. He also took to carrying a change of clothes and cologne in his car at all times. (you never know when you are going to have to impress a woman, there is something truly repulsive about a man who uses cologne in lei of a shower) We all age, and that’s the wonderful thing about true and lasting love, you age at the same time and even when things start to sag, and the man’s 6 pack turns into a keg, and the woman’s nipple ring gets mistaken for a belly button ring, you have history together and hopefully failing eye sight. 
But to go back into the pool when you are middle age is a little daunting. When I met JC he had a lot going for him, well I have to admit most of it was bullshit so I suppose he fed all the new women he was dating a line of crap also but I was still surprised when I read in his journal that all these women were buying HIS dinner out, and then going home with him and screwing him, with no commitment past midnight. He had picked 10 women and was dating them all with the intention of narrowing it down to one lucky sucker and these women were vying for his attention! I was stunned, so I went into the forums on POF and asked what the views were on women paying the way, going to bed with the guy on the first date and was it normal for a woman to move a guy into her house after only knowing him for a couple of weeks. I felt like I had been living in a cave or something, a lot had changed in the dozen years I had been out of circulation. Yes guys expected women to pay for dates or at least split the bill (I have always reciprocated if a guy took me out for a nice dinner but if a guy can’t afford to buy me dinner and he is 45+ years old I am going to wonder what he’s got to offer, sorry if that offends anyone. Almost everyone had the 3 date rule for sex, if the woman doesn’t come across by the 3rd date the guy is out of there! really?? really?? and yes it is very common for a woman to move a guy into HER house within the first month of dating. Really???………..well ………..
I could see I had been all wrong about JC, he was perfect for most women on these sites.
I am sure JC had a really good line of lies he wove to snare these women, he couldn’t have possibly been honest and said, “I am a loser, who; was verbally, physically and financially abusive to my ex, is getting fired for stealing, live in a mouse infested rented trailer and drive a shit box car that is actually in my ex’s name and she has to insure it for me because I owe so much money to ICBC, I am in debt up to my eye balls and expect you will buy dinner, and oh yeah…..I expect sex but I will keep dating these other 9 women and let you know if you “win” me at some later point in time.” But the sad part is, I think there are women out there who would say “OK.”
I believe in women having equal rights and all that and that a man does not have to support a woman, God knows I do not expect a man to take care of me, BUT for the love of Pete, I expect he should be able to support himself. Are women that desperate for a man in their life? I guess so because he had several to choose from and ended up with a real prize who has now sold her home and invested in joint property in timbucktoo, she lent him over $20,000 in the first 6 weeks. I still wonder what kind of lie he told her for her to invest everything her husband and her had attained into a loser with nothing. I know he told her I was a psycho bitch that bled him dry but if that was the case why on earth was his car in my name with MY name on the insurance? and why was the last time I insured it for him 2 weeks after they started dating? I mean IF I was such a psycho bitch and all, you would think I would just take my fucking car wouldn’t you? I always wondered how he got around that one. Oh well doesn’t matter, my point is that women are acting like desperate fools and it is no wonder they are getting taken advantage of. I want to say to all these middle aged women with a little bit of hard earned equity or saving,
 “For the love of God, stop being so damn desperate!”
That said, you can hardly blame them feeling desperate if this is the type of guys out there, this is a real, believe it or not, personal ad that came up in my “people you might be interested in” email the other day. Lord help us all, does this really work for the guy??
Quote:
ORGASMETRON SEEKS SOME ONE CAPABLE OF GOING THE DISTANCECatchy little user name don’t you think?

Man, 47 years old

Seeking a woman 18 – 57 – Niiiiice he makes sure they are legal, You did notice he is 47 YEARS OLD

  • Occupation
  • Artist – artist, love the vagueness
  • Education
  • Other degree – what kind of degree is “other” I respect a man who works hard, he doesn’t need a degree, a BA or “other”wise
  • Annual Income
  • $25,000-$50,000 – That works out to about $12/hr, in Canada $25,000 is not enough to live on, you can make $12 an hour at MacDonalds and you did see how old he is right?
  • Smokes
  • Occasionally – minus about $3500 a year off that $25,000
  • Drinks
  • Occasionally
    About Myself
  • I’am a musician and artist : harmonica player/ singer-songwriter. (Also D.J. on the side) Luv all types of music as long as it has a good groove preferably for dancing! Am well travelled and read, with a sarcastic & witty humour. As far as my evil twin brother the Orgasmetron: He luv’s to please & be pleased. The motto your pleasure is all mine/ Butt please do not be in a rush – thus you can discover the bit about patience, virtue & maximum pleasure.Oh yes thank-you kindly butt please live with in reasonable driving distance. All you honey’s south of the Canadian border: you r welcome to visit, but due to some 4:20 adventure’s I apparently am not welcome to come down and visit. Thus the closer we live together the more time we will have to explore the Karma Sutra … Hope 2 hear from u soon, Can only reply 2 U if you e-me at the following: drdondj69 Bye For Now Cheers.

What I’m Looking For

I’d luv to find a kind & caring nymphomaniac contortionist, a girl with a guitar, or my next luv.Pleeeze live close by ONLY !! self-assured end Quote*****

I have this really bad visual of this middle aged woman playing the guitar with her legs wrapped around the back of her head having sex. *shudder* or worse yet, an 18 year old guitar player, oh …… I just threw up in my mouth. Everyone hide your daughters!!

And then I love the end part “or his next luv” so you don’t have to own a guitar if you are lucky enough to be his next luv and then Oh yeah…self-assured as an after thought.

OMG I can not even start to tell you what I think about this guy!! please tell me it is a joke!!

I have to admit by comparison JC is a real catch so I will have to cut women some slack.

If you do decide to venture out into the dating world via the internet even after everything I have said here are a few pointers:

1) If he only talks to you via email or text message get suspicious. Or if he only calls during business hours or late late at night. Something is up, he is avoiding a wife overhearing his conversations. Call him at dinner time, or early evening and see if he answers and how he talks to you. If he is only loving and sweet at weird hours he has a wife at the other end. The song “Say My Name” comes to mind.

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2) Texting is great, love it myself but if you call him and he doesn’t answer but text messages you he is either playing many women at once or has a wife.

3) Don’t believe everything you read, like I said in a previous post, they lie!! Google their name and see what comes up, years ago before I met JC I was chatting to a fellow for a couple of months, he was sending me lovely gifts, we talked on the phone regularly, and he wanted to send me a ticket to fly to Nashville and spend a weekend with him. I Googled his name and nothing came up. He only had a cell number and when he mailed me gifts he used a PO box return address. I asked for his address and when I Googled it an empty lot in an industrial area came up. I paid $80 to an investigation company in the states to find out if this guy was on the up and up, no one by that name lived in the United States let alone Nashville. There used to be a blogger on WordPress who was a single woman talking about her experiences dating. She met a man on line through her blog and they talked daily for over a year, they were in love, he was her soul mate and she his. She flew to a foreign country to meet him and almost ended up dead. She ran from the hotel room into the lobby where she was able to contact her mother who sent money for her to fly home. Through speaking out about her experiences with him in her blog more and more women came forward with stories about the same man. He was married, NOT near as influential as he let on, and a psychopath without a doubt.

4) Pictures say a thousand words, but they could be all lies. Believe it when you see it with your own eyes, and if he isn’t in the pictures with a current newspaper showing the date doubt its authenticity.

5) I can’t say I haven’t fallen for it myself but really …….. if he is in love and you haven’t even met see it as a HUGE red flag. When JC forgot to sign out of his POF profile on my laptop and I went into his account he was sending the exact same email to at least 8 women, just changing a few minor details. He called everyone Babe so he didn’t even have to change the “To” part. He had 8 women looking at the moon every night at 10 pm thinking he was looking at the same moon where he was envisioning walking up behind her and sliding his arms around her waist and kissing her neck. He had a “gut feeling” they were meant to be together and he always listens to his gut. Gag me!!!!! and when I sent them all each other’s emails and he started getting angry questioning responses from the women he told them all that I was his psycho ex who had hacked into his computer and trying to ruin his life. Could they please just start over and not let this psycho ruin what he knew was a match made in heaven. Some of the women believed him. It’s easy to believe the guy might have a psycho ex who would do something like that because we have all been with a psycho that would do something like that. I say cut your losses and run, maybe he is a nice guy but do you want to get involved with a guy who has a psycho ex? I don’t.

6) Challenge him on something he says. As with the women I was just talking about, some of them just said, “Seeya!!”when they didn’t accept his explanation he got angry and said, “He thought they were better than that, he had misjudged them, they were just like all the rest of the women out there,. oh well their loss.” and it worked on some of them. Everyone wants to be “special” don’t bite the bait.

7) GOOGLE – dig for info on him, just because he has a normal sounding guy looking for love profile, on POF doesn’t mean he is not on a xxx site looking for threesomes, masochistic sex, bi-curious or casual discreet sex.

8) If he removes his profile because he has found you, the love of his life. Don’t believe it, he has hidden his profile and he is still trolling, only difference is he has to do all the looking because no one can see his profile. and if you are approached by a guy who has his profile hidden because he has a psycho ex stalking him – RUN!!

9) if he is split from his ex but they are living together until the house sells, stay clear. Sure it could be the truth but it also means he hasn’t been split that long and has baggage to deal with before you want to get involved with him.

10) If he compares you to his ex in anyway something is not right. When I think back, all the normal guys I ever dated didn’t compare me to their ex’s, in fact they had very little to say about their ex’s usually. The only guy I ever met whose ex’s were all psychos was JC. I know with my own relationships each one ended for a different reason,I didn’t keep repeating history, if a person has repeated history in all his relationships they have a problem and they need to find out why they pick the people they do before they get involved again.

Like I said to JC, either you are attracted to psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches but YOU have a problem.

Good Luck and look out for the sharks!

ONLINE+DATING_bd8a45_4838214

Why Was I Attracted To The Narcissist ?

Not long ago a fellow named Tom commented on my page, “Playing With The Cards I’m Dealt”

He said that the victims have to look at their part in the relationship especially what attracted them to the narcissistic and why they stayed, like Tom said, “the guy didn’t pack you off, tie you up and keep you prisoner.” That is a very common opinion of people who have never experienced abuse first hand. It is a factual statement, none of us were physically shackled.

It is true that some women get involved with one abusive man after another and they really do need to look at what they are getting from that type of relationship.

But, correct me if I am wrong; most women who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic/psychopath had never been in an abusive relationship before. I am not saying the victim has no responsibility in the relationship; as I said in my Last Letter of Thanks To JC, I take responsibility for the relationship going on far too long.

So I thought I’d share in a little more detail how JC and I met and why I was so attracted to him.
I was building to that with my posts about the baby I gave up for adoption in 1975, my first husband’s motorcycle accident and my son, Kris’s birth and then got sidetracked. I really hate to leave things 1/2 done and Tom’s question has motivated me to wrap it all up.

First of all I wanted to finish up the story about my first marriage, Victor got out of the trauma unit and was in a ward for another 2 1/2 months. When he came home he still required alot of care, dressing changes, etc. He didn’t remembered any of his time in ICU. I was drained and needed nurturing myself, Victor just could not understand. My dream to have a baby I could keep and bring home to a loving family had been dangled in front of me and then snatched when Victor had his accident.
I needed to go back to work, Victor burying himself in booze, I just couldn’t handle it and we split up. We carried a torch for each other for many years and I knew I would never love anyone like I had loved Victor, in my heart he was my one true love. When Kris was 2 they couldn’t hold off any longer and I had to have a hysterectomy. I remarried, twice; the first time I knew I didn’t really love the guy but he was good to Kris and Kris needed a daddy ,(stupid of me to marry someone for that reason I know that now) before our 1st anniversary we were split because the guy wanted me to ship Kris off to his dads. I married again years later and won’t bore you with the details, but we still keep in touch and probably should have just been friends and never married.

Through the years after my first marriage broke up I went to counselling to deal with issues from my childhood, I took effective communication courses, joined a gym and over came an eating disorder, basically I worked on myself.

I had worked very hard and by 1998, at the age of 40 had $20,000 in retirement saving, a $200,000 beautiful home and an excellent credit rating. Due to circumstances beyond my control, some stupid choices on my part, a bad economy and my ex I lost everything and was starting over at 42.

I had been dating a bit, had a profile on POF but hadn’t met anyone I wanted to continue seeing and had made the decision to just be single for awhile and had not accepted any more dates. There was one fellow, a lawyer, who was very persistent about wanting to meet so I agreed to meet him for a drink. He had sent his picture but I had deleted it and only had a vague idea what he looked like. I didn’t want to admit I had deleted his picture and figured we were meeting on a Wednesday evening, how many guys would be single in the bar and looking like they were looking for someone? I was sure I’d be able to pick him out.

I had come from booking the staff Christmas party at a nice restaurant and went to wait for him at the agreed upon bar. He was stuck in traffic so I ordered a glass of wine, then another, he still hadn’t arrived so I went out on the patio to have a smoke, keeping my eye on the door should he walk in. Then a nicely dressed fellow walked in, jeans, nice crisp white shirt, black leather bomber type jacket, glasses, short tight curly hair; and he was scanning the room like he was looking for someone. I thought to myself, “He’s much better looking than I had thought.” I started to walk in his direction, I knew I was looking good. I had on a short tight skirt, 3 inch pumps that made me 6’2″ I had long sun bleached hair that I kept in a style my brother called my “FF look” (freshly fucked ) I was smiling, our eyes met and he smiled back. It must be him I thought and started to put my arms out to give him a hug but just before I got to him I realized, no!! it can’t be him! This guy is much younger and I turned and went to sit at my table. I felt like an idiot, the guy must be wondering what the hell was that all about? I was looking out the window wishing the mother ship would beam me out of there when I heard,”can I buy you a drink or are you waiting for. someone?” I turned and was looking at a man’s crotch, my eyes travelled up catching a glimpse of a slightly hairy chest where his shirt was undone, I could feel myself starting to blush and as our eyes met I stammered I was waiting for someone. He smiled and said,” I figured as much but I had to ask, have nice night” and went back to his table. “Nice bum” I thought.

I had to use the washroom and walked past his table on the way, he smiled, and kinda gave me a little wave, he seemed sort of shy. I walked past him again going back to my table but I turned and went back to his table.
Me; “I think I owe you an explanation as to why I almost hugged you and then walked away and sat down.” so I explained the whole story of how I was on this internet dating site and I was meeting this guy, had thrown his picture away and he looked like he was looking for someone but I realized he was much younger etc. We had a couple of laughs and he said something about he had been thinking about trying an online dating site but didn’t have a computer. I said I hadn’t had much luck so far and had decided to give it a rest and then I went and sat down.

When my date still hadn’t shown up I went for another smoke and had to walk past the nice bum guy again, we exchanged smiles. On my way back to my table as I walked past him he said, “I hope you’ll call me if the date doesn’t work out” and handed me a piece of paper with his number on it. Just as I am taking the paper from his hand (nice strong hands that showed he wasn’t afraid of a hard days work), my date walked in.

XAwkward!

My date was a self centered blowhard that talked loudly, bragged about all his possessions, how much money he made, and how important he was.  He put a price tag on everything and complained loudly when the food was a little slow coming. We had ordered appetizers and of course he had eaten better somewhere else. I was bored out of my mind and left as soon as possible. He was the kind of guy I would have called a narcissist at that time and a complete turn off. He seemed surprised when he said he’d call me and I said not to bother. I thanked him for dinner and hightailed it out of there. If I had been undecided about getting out of POF  this guy settled it; I was done with online dating. I had met guys who were still living with their mother, guys who were “separated” but still living with their wife, guys who spent the whole night talking about what a bitch their ex was, guys looking to get lucky, guys looking for someone to cook and clean for them, I’d met psychos who fell in love on the first date and got jealous because I looked up when a guy walked in. One guy accused me of meeting a guy in the bathroom. Another guy I had only talked to on the phone wanted to come over at 11 pm and when I said no he lost it and started screaming at me, then called back to apologize and say he was grumpy because he had just quit smoking and I told him to start again. I had met guys who, even though we had met in person still wanted to chat on the internet instead of just calling and talking.

I just wanted to meet a normal hard working guy who didn’t have little kids, and didn’t have a bunch of baggage.

When I got home my son asked how it went and I told him the guy was a loser and then told him about the guy that gave me his number. My son said, “Call him”.
I said that he looked alot younger than me. My son said,”Mom, all my friends think your a milf.”
Me: “Kris!”
Kris: “Its true mom. Maybe you need to date someone younger, call him, what have you got to lose?”
Me: “Really ? You think I should call? Is it too late? Its almost 10.
Kris getting exasperated now:  “Call!!!!”
Me: “ok!! I’ll call I’ll call.”

So I called. It rang twice and he picked up.
Me: “Hi, its Carrie calling. I don’t know if you remember me, you gave me your number tonight at the bar?”
Him laughing: “I remember. How did your date go?”
Me: ” I’m calling aren’t I.”

How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Internet and the Narcissist

Like I said in a previous post that you can read here https://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/wife-kriss-mom-victim-survivor-lady-witha-truck-carrie/, I had quite an addiction to the internet for a period of time after my marriage broke up. So I understand the attraction of the internet and how it can take over your life. I also know that no healthy person in a good relationship is going to jeopardize their relationship by being on the net excessively.
Either they are unhappy in the relationship and seeking a diversion or they have other issues; like being a narcissist.

My marriage fell apart because my husband wasn’t very motivated to work because I was making good money running my day care. Unfortunately I had waited too long for him to get his ass motivated to work and I was having to sell MY house to pay off our debt and his that I had co-signed for him.

Lesson # 1 for dating later in life. Keeping the house in your name when you get with a man with nothing does not necessarily protect your home. If you co-sign debt you are responsible for that debt and if you can’t pay you lose your home.

My experiences on the net:

I was burying myself on the net because I couldn’t deal with what was happening in real life.

And I mean b.u.r.y.i.n.g.!! I barely came up for air.

I was addicted to chat rooms and flirting (not porn or xxx dating sites just boring over 40 chat rooms).

I also had some sexy young studly type fellow beep in on my ICQ that I was chatting to.

Eventually the fellow on ICQ wanted to meet, wanted me to fly to Nashville to meet him. He was a sexy fellow I must say, and he made it sound very tempting. He sent me gifts and mailed me beautiful love cards, called constantly and I was seriously considering going. But I wasn’t going to meet any man without checking him out and asked for his address and land line phone number and hired a company called 1-800-us search and found out the fellow didn’t exist. No such name, no such number and the address was in an undeveloped industrial area. When he called the next time I gave him an earful and said to take a flying leap. Of course he had all kinds of crazy explanations like he was in the witness protection program.
Seee yaaaaa!!!!

There were two other fellow I talked to regularly one was a lawyer in Wichita. We shared the cost of my flight out to Wichita and had an ok weekend together. He wasn’t nearly as good looking or witty in real life. He had a harem in the chat room and I almost hadn’t gone because I had been vocal in the room about meeting and the other women were jealous.

* Beware of men with harems!

Nothing bad happened while I was there. Interestingly enough he wasn’t at the air port when I landed and I had some panic but I called, woke him up and he came and got me. I was happy to leave in two days and we never chatted again.

The other fellow, Jim, was ex FBI. I said, “Yeah and I’m an international spy! And shoot bad guys with my umbrella and talk to people with my shoe”.

He didn’t think that was funny. He actually needed to do a security check on me before I came. I did my own investigating of his info and he checked out. He had recently retired and wanted to take a trip with a woman and wanted me to be that woman. I said I couldn’t afford it and he said, “Did I ask you if you can afford it? It is worth the money to have you come on a vacation with me, I don’t want to go alone.”

So he booked my flight to North Carolina and I flew out for a 2 week all expenses paid vacation with a man I’d never met. I had the time of my life!!! He indeed had worked for the FBI and had the commendations to prove it. We spent a few days in North Carolina and then drove down to New Orleans. Every day, every single day, I woke up and there would be $100 in my wallet. If I spent $50 one day the next day I would have $100 again. I have never had a man treat me so well. I never had to ask for money and he never made me feel I owed him. He didn’t make a big deal about it, just topped up my wallet every morning. We laughed, we saw the sights, I cooked supper for his friends and he treated me like a queen the whole time I was there.

In New Orleans we met a female friend from the chat room and the 3 of us did up New Orleans with style. An outside Beach Boys concert that had the 3 of us dancing til we dropped, my g/f insisted I eat all the southern fare like Po’boys, and Jumbalaya, we walked the French Quarter, listened to jazz bands, and watched the fireworks on July 4th. I didn’t want to go home and knew it was a relationship that would go no where; just a great vacation. A month later he and my g/f met for a weekend and that kinda cured me of long distance romance.

After that I joined POF and dated a few local guys, each one a disappointment in one way or another. There was the guy who I met at a local night club who weighed at least 150 lbs more than what he had told me. Nice guy, brought me gifts, (homemade jams) but I was anorexic, obese and me just don’t work; sorry. Nothing against over weight people; I just can not get past the weight. Its my problem; just like I can’t date a guy who weighs less than me and is shorted than me. I just can not handle feeling like I can pick a guy up or if I roll over in the night I might squash him.

So the next guy didn’t work either; he was a nice looking black guy and I mean BLACK! He was meeting me at my cabin at the lake. I had walked with my son to the lake and was walking back when the fellow called to say he was at my house. I was walking up the street and couldn’t see him, his car was there but he was no where to be seen. Then on my porch in the dark shadows I see him smile. If it weren’t for the white teeth I would have totally missed him. And he had that great Jamaican accent but when he came out of the shadows my hopes dropped. He was all of 5’5″ and I outweighed him by at least 30 lbs and I was skinny. We had a great day but I was honest up front, I gotta have a man at least my height and weight. Its my hang up about being heavy but I have dated guys shorter than me (seems short guys like tall women) and I have found that many short guys want a tall woman to show off and they can have a “short guy attitude”. I don’t mean to offend short men and more than likely I have not met any short men reading this so you could be totally different. I am speaking from my experiences only. So please don’t send me hate mail. Like I said it is my problem.

The next fellow was a psycho personified; we didn’t get past the first phone call. He called several times; constantly and wanted to come up to my place at 11 at night and when I said no he got angry and called me all sorts of names I can’t repeat and then kept calling alternating between being apologetic and making excuses(he’d just quit smoking) and hating my guts. I eventually blocked his number.

Then I met Ian, a long distance guy again but at least in my country. Good looking, had a great job as a city planner, my height and we had a lot in common. He flew out to meet me in November and arrived with half a dozen Christmas gifts; nice but a little too much too soon. I had really liked him on the phone but in person I don’t know; it just wasn’t there for me. He loved me already which was a bit unsettling and gave me that feeling in my gut that tells me; you don’t want to go there.

In between these guys I met guys who even once we had met in person still continued chatting on line with me. Or guys who only wanted to talk online and not phone. There were the guys who only called late at night and wanted to know what I was wearing and wanted me to touch myself and send pictures.

There was the great looking guy who swore him and his wife were separated but he only called in the middle of the night, wanted phone sex, and I couldn’t call him. Upon further questioning he still lived with his wife but it was over; honest!
Seeeeee Yaaaaa!

I was waiting for another online date (this was going to be the last) when I met JC.

I could not believe my good fortune. We “clicked” we had so much in common it was almost spooky. From the first time we set eyes on each other there was something there I’d never felt before. Love at first sight? He was 6′, handsome, had a great sense of humor, owned property on the coast(lie), and he told me a bunch of other lies but at the time I took it as the truth. The one big thing in his favor was he didn’t even own a computer! Thank you God!!

He called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we had real in person dates and real in person sex. He cried when he told me he loved me the first time. He took me to meet his family, he wined and dined me. We blitzed Vancouver, hitting all the neat little shops, stopping to share an appetizer and have a drink in a quaint open air pub. He was nuts about me and from the first date we talked every night and saw each other 4 out of 7 nights.

From the first night together we slept wrapped up in each other waking up in the morning still holding each other; I had never experienced that before and I loved it. For the first time in my life when I went to bed with a man I felt that as long as I had his arms around me everything would be ok. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before.

The passion of our love making was almost intimidating to me. I had always been an adventuresome , playful and active participant when having sex but with him I was almost shy and I think it was because he was so powerful, the feelings were so powerful. He was insatiable, rarely did a night go by without making love 2 or 3 times in the night. I had never known a man who “could” do it time after time like that.

I moved in with him after about 4 months; I know it was quick but we were spending so much time together, money was tight for both of us and it just made sense.

I brought my computer, and in a heart beat everything changed. He didn’t want to ever leave the apartment, every time I walked in the room he’d shrink the screen. I knew I saw tits but he denied it.

Then came the day we were supposed to go to my folks for supper and he wasn’t ready to go. I nagged a bit to get off the computer and get ready and then I thought to hell with him I’ll go alone. When I got home he was still on the F’in computer and when I walked in I swore he shrunk the screen. I teased him about looking at porn and he denied it. I’m no dummy and we had such good communication I couldn’t believe he’d lie. So I checked and sure as shooting there was all these porn sites in history.

I jokingly told him he was busted and he got very defensive and blamed it on Kris my son who hadn’t been on the computer in months. That is when I checked history more and discovered his ad in LavaLife lookTo not have him come to bed was very upsetting for me, when I’d wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t come to bed I couldn’t help but cry or be angry; either way it was a horrible way to start the day. It was the last year that I stopped caring and when I knew it was over.

For years he said “If you knew the truth about the ads you wouldn’t be upset.” But he never told me the truth. I told myself that it was an ego boost for him that he needed to know he was still attractive and could get a woman if he wanted; it was innocent really.

He said things like:
When do I have time to meet any other woman?
I don’t know why you get so upset; you know we always end up together.
My reaction to the ads was what pushed him to go looking for other women.
Why didn’t I try to be more attractive instead of being angry then he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere.
I actually talked myself into accepting that the ads meant nothing and stopped reacting but if he wasn’t getting a reaction he upped the anti. He needed the reaction for narcissistic supply.

The situation escalated; as soon as I stopped reacting to something he would take it a step further. His communications got more personal; he stopped looking for casual sex and started looking for a relationship. I think he did go to meet a few of the women but for the most part from what I was reading it was mostly phone calls, plans to meet that fell through, and him professing his love and wanting her to commit to him and him promising the world.

Warning signs that the fellow you have met on the internet is not all he professes to be or that your man is being unfaithful on the net:

– On Facebook he had what I call “poser” pictures; JC had pictures that were provocative in a subtle way like the picture of him taking his shirt off and his abs showing. He was constantly taking pictures of himself especially the last couple of years.

– Even though we were in a committed relationship he never talked about his life with me on Facebook When ever he spoke about what he did on the weekend he spoke as if he did it alone.

– He kept his conversations private. Most people I know on Facebook have their settings so that all their friends can read their wall but he had his setting so only he could read his wall. Every conversation was private and he had many women from all over the world he was talking to. I felt uncomfortable to say anything personal on his Facebook.

– His life was larger than life and the women were giggly over his attention.

He had many sites where he chatted and had two Facebook accounts, one with just family and one where he was his fantasy self. He had one woman leave Facebook and they chatted on High 5, I don’t know what excuse he gave her as to why they had to go to a different site.

He had several women he chatted to on MSN chat. (I just about died when I went into MSN and he had changed his profile and had pictures of the 3 most important people in his life and it was his ex and her two kids. When I confronted him he said it wasn’t finished it was supposed to be the 30 most important people in his life. OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

One woman was sending him naked pictures (if a guy you have never met wants nude or semi nude pictures he is not in love with you!!! Give your head a shake!!) And he was telling her how he knew they had something special; he could feel it in his gut. He acted really jealous when she went out and said things like, “Save it for me” “I hope you are being good, I am”. (that was a message sent on New Years eve and he was with me)

He was telling another one that he couldn’t wait until the day he put a ring on his bride’s hand. When I confronted him on that he said, “I said my brides hand, I didn’t say she was going to be my bride.”

He loved everything each woman loved, with one he loved to dance (he danced with me 3 times in 10 years, he hated to dance)
He told another that he loved long walks (he never walked any where, he’d drive to the end of the driveway to get the mail)
He was an expert on everything, if he didn’t know it he looked it up.
He never traveled but online he loved to travel
He was always unemployed but online he was making $150,000 a year and at the point in his life he could set his own hours and taking time to enjoy life. (in reality he spent all his time at work when he had a job, had no money and never wanted to do anything fun)

When he left his accounts open and I found them when I went on the computer and I sent all the women each others letters he told them all that his psycho ex had hacked into his computer and was trying to ruin his life. He pleaded with them to not let her destroy what they had.

He’d tell them to go out side and look at the moon at a certain time and he would do the same and they would both be looking at the moon at the same time and for her to imagine his arms around her and some day soon it would happen.

Each woman was “the” one; he couldn’t get them out of his mind. If he couldn’t make a planned meeting and she understood he would say, “I knew I loved you for a reason, that’s my girl I knew you’d understand”.
His phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but he would be text messaging a few minutes later. Sometimes when I would call him he wouldn’t answer and then text message me saying he was busy and would call right back. It didn’t take long before I figured out that if he was with someone else he wouldn’t answer his phone and just text message, he could do that without the person he is with over hearing a woman’s voice on the phone and he could still say I love you in text message.
He called women in the middle of the night or during the day. He would sit out in his car when he got home from work talking on the phone for sometimes hours. If the guy you are talking to hardly ever calls in the evening, if it’s always during work hours or late at night chances are he is involved. On the same vein; if you can’t call him or he rarely answers in the evening and text messages instead of calling, he’s got someone at the other end he’s doesn’t want to know he is talking to you.

If he is still living with the woman but it’s been over for a long time; he only stays because of finances, the kids, she is suicidal, or until the house sells – run!! it is bullshit

If a woman contacts you and says she is his wife or one of several women he is chatting with believe them. The odds are she is telling the truth and she is not a psycho making his life hell like he would like you to believe.

If a guy can’t meet you in person in a relatively short time frame assume he has other commitments that are getting in the way; like a wife and kids. If he is that busy with work then he is a workaholic and do you want to be with a man who can’t make time for you.
If you are talking on the phone and he has to get off suddenly (someone just walked in the room)

If he doesn’t want to show that he is involved with you and chat openly on Facebook and says it’s because his ex is on his Facebook and he doesn’t want to upset her either they haven’t been split long enough, he’s not being straight with her, they aren’t ex’s, or he has several women on there he is talking to. I am on some of my ex’s Facebook and I couldn’t care less if they are involved with a woman.

Pictures don’t prove anything! JC had pictures of a bunch of semi trucks and trailers that he told me were of the trucks he used to own when he had his own trucking company, also pictures of vehicles he had owned and a house he said he was buying. It was after we split and I was talking to his sister I found out none of it was true. Just because he shows you pictures of the places he’s traveled, the stuff he owns does not make it true.

If he won’t give you an address that you can verify something is not right

A lot of people don’t have a land line any more, which used to be a tell tale sign if you couldn’t call them at home but now that’s not so unusual.

Before you ever go to another town to meet a man, verify his address, his employment, call him at all hours and see if he answers. Google his username; you’d be surprised what comes up, sure other people could be using the same username but you can tell pretty quickly if it is him or not. People often use the same username for everything. JC used 2 different user names and when I Googled them he came up in a dozen dating sites, his comments on POF forums came up, all the porn sites he belonged to, every site he belonged to, his picasa web photos, etc. Googling their name probably won’t bring up stuff they don’t want people to see. I think it cost me $100 to do a search on a fellow in the states and it probably saved my life because he didn’t exist, now a days it is pretty easy to do your own search. The reason I paid for it was because when I did my own search I couldn’t find anything but when I paid for a search they didn’t find anything either, he didn’t exist.

The internet has just made it easier for a narcissist to spin his web and reach farther than prior to the net, in now way does it mean that they don’t exist off the web. Like I said I met JC in a bar, I was happy he wasn’t on the internet, I had sworn off of dating sites etc. so just because you meet a guy off the net doesn’t mean you are safe, they are every where. JC’s mother told me that she was looking for something and opened a box that was downstairs, it turned out to be one of JC’s boxes he had stored there and it was full of naked pictures of women and letter from them; he had been doing this for years. He would answer personal ads in the newspaper before there was the internet. Being a trucker was ideal for him also; he could have a woman in every town and had the perfect excuse for not being around much.

I found with JC, he would inadvertently tell me things about his past and I filed them for future reference. Like in the beginning he told me he had screwed around once on his long time common in law, she had always falsely accused him of cheating so when the opportunity presented itself he had thought, I am being accused anyway I might as well do it.; in other words he was telling me to not accuse him of cheating. That should have been my first red flag. Years later he was telling me about the two women he met in a ar that went back to his truck with him and they had a threesome, and about the women he had in different towns that he would see when he went through those towns and about calling a woman and saying I am coming through town pack a bag and ride with me and he’d fly them home a week later. When he went back to trucking 20 years later when he called and asked me to give it another try he thought he could do the same thing he did with her. He was building his trap line but I remembered him telling me about his past and was on to him.

What it all boils down to is; no matter where you meet a man, if he sounds too good to be true he probably is and you have to do your homework. If he is legit, he will understand and be an open book because he wants to reassure you. The minute he is defensive, offended, or “disappointed” you don’t trust him you should be concerned.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.