Tag Archives: Intuition

It May Sound Crazy-That Is What the N Is Counting On

If I could recommend one article everyone should read to learn about domestic violence it would be the one I posted a couple of days ago, about empaths, apaths, and sociopaths. Here is the link https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/12/25/empaths-apaths-and-sociopaths/

There is a bit of confusion about what the difference is between psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, there is talk about lumping all three under one heading because they all have one very important trait in common and that is the lack of a conscience and empathy. The article I am referring to calls them sociopaths. In my research I have read that psychopaths are born that way and sociopaths are turned into sociopaths by some traumatic event in their youth, but if that were the case a sociopath could be fixed and there is no evidence saying that it has ever happened. As for narcissists, it is healthy to have some narcissistic traits, we need them in order to have self confidence, and it seems to me there are varying levels of narcissism which makes narcissism rather ambiguous. All psychopaths and sociopaths are narcissistic but not all narcissists are psychopaths or sociopaths. Often people get stuck trying to define what their abuser is, as if they feel they have to justify leaving the person abusing them and can only do that if the person is labelled. The thing the victim seems to forget is that they are being abused and that is never ok no matter what name you give it. I think there are guys out there who are abusive and not a psychopath but no one should stay with an abuser, ever, it is never ok for another person to abuse you physically, mentally or financially. And you will never convince me that an abuser can change, not without extensive counselling and a deep desire to change and in the 3 years I have had this blog I have not had one person come in and say their N changed for the better. Personally I feel most, if not all abusive people are narcissistic and that if you can identify many of the narcissistic traits in a person you should run to the highest hill and not stick around until they prove to be psycho.

The reason I liked the above mentioned article so much is they deal with it in a little bit different way that made a lot of sense to me and gave me a few aha moments and that doesn’t happen to me very often after 3 years of researching narcissism and hearing hundreds of women and men tell the same story of abuse.

According to this article there are three types of people; empaths, apaths and sociopaths, (or conscienceless) I am going to call them N’s for the sake of brevity but we all know I am referring to those soul sucking bastards who feed off of others pain and destruction. When you think about it, it is pretty obvious how dangerous a person without empathy can be. Empathy is what makes it possible for us to relate to how another person feels; it makes us “toe the line” for lack of a better description; empathy gives us the ability to understand how our actions affect others and because of that most people adjust their behaviour accordingly. Without empathy there is nothing to stop a person from taking whatever they want when ever they want it.

Don’t let this confuse you into thinking they don’t know what they are doing so can not be held responsible for their actions. The N knows exactly what he is doing is wrong or hurtful, he is not stupid; he just doesn’t care. Remember, their whole existence relies on their ability to read people’s emotions so they know better than anyone the effect of their actions on people; that is why they do it. I can remember so many times saying to JC, “you just don’t give a shit”; long before I knew what he was. I used to say, “I know you aren’t stupid JC, so why can you not understand why you being with other women hurts me?”

If you find yourself explaining over and over again why you are hurt or angry and your partner just doesn’t seem to “get it” you are dealing with a person incapable of empathy.

At first with JC I really believed he was honest, I truly did not think he was capable of lying; why did I believe that he was so honest? because he told me he was, he seemed so shocked and hurt whenever he was accused of lying. I defended him like a lioness protects her cub, I stood up to everyone and anyone in defense of JC. I went toe to toe with his bosses, neighbors, and my family. I realize now that is one of the reasons he kept me around for so long, I was good for his reputation. I took on the role of damage control and I was so honest and adamant in my defense of him, people had to doubt their suspicions.  Ironically, or I suppose part of his manipulation (because there isn’t much in the narcissist’s life that he doesn’t control and plan) the more he falsely accused me of shit the more I defended him and doubted my own suspicions. I knew how horrible it felt to be accused of something I hadn’t done that I didn’t want to do the same thing to him. I knew I hadn’t done what he was accusing me of so maybe I was wrong about what he was doing. See how twisted it gets after a while?

Why do we believe the N? because we believe he is a normal person like us and we know that most people when caught in a lie will admit to their lie, or at the very least act guilty, not be able to look you in the eye or give themselves away in some other way. But an N can look you right in the eye and tell a bald faced lie, swearing on a stack of bibles he is telling the truth and get totally indignant if you accuse him of lying.

He will make you an accomplice to your own abuse and the abuse of others.

How does he get you to help him destroy you, surely you would know what he was doing and not help him; that is insane. JC even told me that the best way to commit a crime is in broad daylight, because people can’t believe you would be that brazen. How did he do it?

An example: We were split at the time when I walked out to go to work one morning and saw him crawling out from under my truck, immediately I got that feeling in my gut and asked him what he was doing. He didn’t act the least bit like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar like a person with a conscience would, he didn’t stammer or seem flustered, all he said was, “Pop the hood”. and went to stand in front of my truck waiting. My gut was saying he was up to something but he interrupted my thoughts with, “Are you going to pop the hood?” I said I had to get going, I had a job waiting but he said, “It’ll just take a minute”. My mind was racing, I had no proof of anything, he was waiting and I did as I was told. He fiddled under the hood for a few minutes, had me start it, turn it off and on a few times, rev the engine etc and then slammed the hood and said, “Ok you’re good to go.” I asked what he was doing and he said something I didn’t understand because I am not mechanical and I went to work. When I went to leave my first job I had no brakes or steering, my brake line had “broken”. Coincidence? my gut told me no, but my empathy and penchant for being fair told me I was crazy to think he was capable of something like that, I could have died.

Now, N’s or the people without a conscience only make up about 5% of the population, yet they make up over 20% of the prison population and are 3 times more likely to reoffend. Those are staggering figures considering their superb acting abilities and reputation for being able to manipulate themselves out of sticky situations. Also there is a critical lack of understanding of psychopaths etc within the law enforcement sector.

Not only does the N use you to in your own destruction he recruits the unwitting help of the ampaths in the world. Apathy is almost worse than no compassion and one of the greatest tools at the narcissists disposal. Apaths can show empathy, they do have a conscience and can feel bad about hurting someone, its just that they are easily influenced and really when it comes right down to it they don’t care enough to investigate the situation, they tend to go with the flow and if the narcissist tells them things are a certain way they believe him because it sounds like it could be the truth and they don’t care enough to investigate if it is the truth. Apaths go with the majority, want to avoid any inconvenience to themselves, are easily coerced into supporting the N’s claims as fact because the narcissist strokes their ego, makes the person feel special in some way and that they are doing the “right” thing. Apaths are the people who love gossip and will happily spread a juicy rumor, they like the attention it gets them, it makes them look good by comparison and it pleases the N. Apathy is what empowered Hitler, apathy is the great enabler. Apaths are not concerned with justice and learning the facts; that would take time and there is no reward to them. An apath is not going to stand up to the masses and say “you are wrong”.

It only stands to reason that the real problem is not the psychopaths, a psychopath is powerless without the apathy that allows them to continue on their trail of destruction.  In my own life I can come up with many examples of apaths unwittingly assisting JC, even my own parents. Apathy tends to blame the victim for their situation and doesn’t try to understand the victim’s situation. JC counted on this from my parents, he knew that if I went back to him they would disown me, a lot of people say that their parents will disown them but know that when it comes right down to it their parents will be there, but mine had shown they meant it and when JC came begging me back the last time knowing full well he had no intention of keeping his promises I said to him that if I went back to him my mom and step dad would disown me and he acknowledged he knew I was right. I, being an empath thought, “who would lie about loving someone and wanting to be with them forever if they knew that the consequence to the other person would be losing their family’s support, especially since they had full intentions of deserting the person? You and I would never think of lying to someone about loving them let alone allow they to lose their family because of my lies. But a psychopath thinks nothing of it, no; wait, I am wrong, he DOES think about it, he is laughing to himself and patting himself on the back for his brilliance at manipulating his victim’s support system into being his most powerful weapon. From that day on every time we had a fight I heard, “What are you going to do? where are you going to go? why don’t you call your mother?” and he would get that smirk, turn his back to me and walk away. It was one of his favorite ways to disempower me. If I was feeling strong and defiant a simple reference to the lack of support and understanding from my family immediately deflated me.

The psychopath learns as he goes, JC studied the human mind, he was always reading about mind control, different personalities and of course every relationship he was in was an education in human behaviour. You see, they are capable of learning from their mistakes but they don’t do it in order to not hurt people, they learn in order to use it against their victims to get what they want. My parents didn’t see they were playing into his game and felt they were right to “punish” me for being so stupid to go back to him, my mom has come a long way since I left JC, I know she loves me and always has but she really did not understand that when she turned her back on me she actually handed me to JC on a silver platter, gave him exactly what he wanted and put me in extreme danger. JC’s actions would not have had the power they did without the collaboration of my parents. What gives the narcissist power is the apathy of others.

JC counted on the fact that most people will take things at face value, most people do not dig for the truth, they don’t care enough to take the time to get to the truth, people tend to take the easy road. Apaths make up 60% of the population.

Empaths have always been viewed as “weak” by society, and often told they are too sensitive but according to this article they are actually emotionally advanced and tend to go on their “feelings” and are more in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. The ability to sense when something is amiss is what eventually makes the victim feel they are going crazy, they feel something is wrong, but the N denies it adamantly and the rest of society seems oblivious so they start to doubt themselves. They also tend to stick it out longer than an apath would because they need proof whereas an apath will go with the majority opinion. If the empath is with the N long enough they end up shutting down completely in an attempt at self preservation.

N’s are famous for giving just enough information to appear innocent and apaths are quick to accept anything that appears believable and will take it even further by perpetuating the N’s lies. JC rarely yelled or show emotion of any kind after his mask dropped, his tactics were very covert, quietly saying things to draw the victim into an argument and then walking away, driving the victim insane by denying the obvious, making false accusations and not allowing the victim to defend themselves. The only thing the neighbors see and hear are the victim crying, yelling, pleading and generally looking like the psycho the N says she is. To the outside world he acts like the victim is his greatest love and he is the abused misunderstood soul who just can’t please her. People tell him he needs to stand up for himself and not let her walk all over him, the N always presents the image of the victim and by the time he leaves the relationship he has everyone feeling sorry for him yet behind closed doors at home he treats the victim with loathing and the victim feels anything but loved.

Remember the N is always the victim.

The first time I finally got up the nerve to tell someone what was going on behind closed doors I told a good girl friend in the park about how I thought JC hated me, she was shocked and told me that he only ever talked very highly of me. She knew he really loved me, he always bragged about my cooking and how happy he was and she had seen him bringing flowers home to me. I never told anyone about anything after that because it just made me look foolish. The N is anything but stupid.

N’s are very vindictive and vengeful but rarely let it show. they can wait years to get revenge and are passive aggressive, again, something almost impossible to nail on him. Years ago when JC was with a woman named Tina, the mother of his son, she had an ex boyfriend who was coming around and JC didn’t like it of course so he had to come up with some way of discrediting this ex boyfriend. Now a vengeful person might put sugar in the boyfriends gas tank but no, JC put the sugar in his own gas tank and then accused the boyfriend of doing it. Of course everyone is thinking, “Who the hell would ruin their own car by putting sugar in the tank?” JC told me about the incident when we first started dating and told me that Tina had helped him clean out his gas tank but his car never ran right after that.  I had no reason to disbelieve his story until his son came to live with us, then one day his son said something I didn’t hear but JC was immediately defensive and said, “Did your mom tell you he didn’t put sugar in my tank? She was the one that helped me clean the tank, she knows he did it.” All of sudden I had an epiphany, “just because there was sugar in his tank and Tina helped clean it out does not prove the guy put the sugar in.”

JC used to bitch profusely about me not working, even though he disabled my car so I couldn’t drive to look for work and passworded me out of the computer so I couldn’t use the internet, so when we split and I started hauling scrap I made sure to always pay my way in hopes of ending that argument. He could no longer complain he was packing the load. So when he started to bitch about having to do the repairs on my truck any one listening would feel sorry for him, they could see with their own eyes him working on my truck and why on earth would he purposely do things to it so he would have to fix it? I have had people look at me with disbelief and say, “Why on earth would he sabotage your truck, you could have been out making money, it was in his best interest for you to be working.” Yes it was, and it made me doubt what my gut was telling me, it didn’t make sense.

When things don’t make sense, you are dealing with a psychopath.

When we split and he went to Africa I did very well on my own, I paid for my own truck repairs and was paying my rent by myself and always had $500 in my purse and money in the bank, any given day my son could call and need money and I could send him a couple hundred, There was nothing I did without, if I needed something I bought it. I had been on my own for quite awhile and had been maintaining my truck on my own, paying for a shop to do the necessary repairs (and there were a lot less repairs with JC not around) so when he came to me begging me to take him back he mentioned he didn’t want to be responsible for doing the repairs on my truck and I agreed. I was doing it on my own, I didn’t need his help and it that was the main issue I was happy to oblige. I, of course do not think like a psychopath so didn’t consider that he might get up in the middle of the night and sabotage my truck.

I don’t think he was counting on me being as self sufficient as I was because it took him two years to accomplish his goal of destroying my business. At first I had the money to do the repairs, then I had the backing of customers who allowed me to charge my repairs, then Amix lent me $2000 that I paid back, then they lent me another $2000, he had been working so hard disabling my truck it got so that there was not one week that it ran for 5 days straight. It was a diesel truck so had to be plugged in at night for it to start the next morning, time after time it would be unplugged when I went out in the morning and JC would shrug and say he didn’t know anything about the extension cord being unplugged. Then it wouldn’t start even though it had been plugged in, I went so far as to go to the battery shop and spend over $300 buying two new batteries, all new connections and wiring to ensure my truck would start. Within a month my truck wasn’t starting again, my posts were loose, my wires worn through and my batteries didn’t match any more but of course JC told me I was crazy to think he did anything. I didn’t know how to prove it and that is when his sister marked the batteries with a felt pen and sure enough the next morning the battery with the mark on it was not under the hood. When you are alone with the N you do doubt what you are seeing with your own eyes because what they do doesn’t make sense. Why would he make me miss work? it was money out of his pocket too. It still blows my mind that the only possible reason for him to do it was to destroy me and my business. why? that is why people, apaths, don’t believe you because it doesn’t make sense.

It was inevitable that sooner or later I would run out of resources and be reliant on his help and that is when he was rewarded for his efforts, and the true torture began. He would promise the fix my truck on the weekend and then not do it. I thought I would go insane. I can’t describe the feeling, I thought I would explode, I had to numb myself, I had to or die. Every day wondering if my truck would start, and then when it didn’t having to wait for JC to fix it, having it run for a day or two and then break down again, have him promise to fix it and go weeks, literally weeks, months waiting for him to do it, not able to get angry with him because then for sure he wouldn’t fix it. I was stuck, him telling me to get the hell out, my truck broken down and no money to fix it. I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it, it was quite literally torture and he was determined to destroy me and I was helpless to stop him. He projected himself as the good guy whose only concern was trying to keep my truck running and I was the inconsiderate bitch that was never happy and was busting his balls to make more money. To this day he says he never got to sleep at night because he was up all night fixing my truck, that I laid around the house waiting for him to come home with booze, cigarettes, drugs and Tim Hortons and bitching when he didn’t bring me enough of each. No one questioned why he had to keep working on my truck if he was the expert mechanic he always professes to be. He brags that he can fix anything and he can, so why did my truck sit in the driveway for months not running. If I didn’t want to work why did I pay people to drive me around picking up my scrap? OK I get it that his new woman and friends have no way of knowing what I was doing or not doing, but you would think that some one with half a brain would eventually go, “hold it, the truck wad only worth $10,000, and he is saying he put $10,000 into it. He says he is such a good mechanic why was the truck never running?” It doesn’t make sense. The people who knows me and have listened to him have come to me in his defense and I easily proved he was lying. I left the relationship with repairs bills at two shops, owing $5000 to his step dad for truck repairs and a truck that was not running. yet he tells everyone, including me that he did everything within his power to ‘help” me get on my feet when we split. I will never forget the night he called me and said he had to change the tranny fluid on my truck and to meet him at the Kal Tire in Langley. I fully expected to be waiting for hours but he was there when I got there, with a sub sandwich for me. I thought, “maybe he is really trying”.

Beware of an N bearing gifts.

He “worked” on my truck for a couple of hours and when he was done it wouldn’t go more than 5 miles an hour. He said, “I have to go to work in the morning, if you have trouble give me a call.” I told him I couldn’t make it home with the truck running that way. He just left, the truck would barely move and I called and called and he didn’t answer. It took me hours but I finally made it about 3/4 of the way home when I was faced with a slight hill, no matter how I tried the truck would not go up the hill and would power out half way up. Finally a cop stopped to see what the problem was.  He was a nice guy and let me try a few more times and then said he had to get it towed, it was a hazard to leave parked on the side of the road. I didn’t have the money for a tow truck (which JC knew) so the truck got impounded by the tow yard until the bill was paid.

I called JC the next morning and he acted so sorry, didn’t know how on earth he missed my calls and promised to pay the charges on payday.  It was just before Christmas 2010, I was broke, and had no choice but to pray he meant it. Payday came and went and then he denied ever saying he would pay to get it out. After a month with the charges now almost $1000 I was going to lose my truck and he called to say he had a friend who would buy my truck for the charges out standing on the truck. Seeing as I was going to lose the truck anyway, and I might be able to get a few hundred for myself. The light bulb went on……….he had always liked my truck and it was nicer than his, I knew he always wanted it and had suspected he would somehow get it for himself. When he came up with a figure of over $10,000 for repairs on it I figured he thought I would sign the truck over to him because that is all the truck was worth. But I refused. I knew now that if I did the deal with his “buddy” I would see JC driving it within a week. I told him hell would freeze over before I sold the truck to any friend of his.

I called his step dad and told him I was going to lose the truck, he was surprised, he said JC would never let that happen after all the work he had put into it. I said, “Its happening.” His step dad said he’d get back to me. He called an hour later and said he was taking the ferry the next day, picking JC up on his way to Abbotsford to pick me up and we were going to get my truck. Which we did and I am sure JC was fuming inside, but he never let it show. I had thwarted his plan. Another reason for him to want revenge.

With these people you can not win. If you allow them to use you, you lose. If you refuse to allow them to get their way, they seek revenge and ………..you lose.

When the victim is upset by the lies the N is telling about her other people say, “Who cares what he says, forget about him.” But if you have been in a relationship with an N you know how damaging his lies can be. He knows that all he has to do is tell a few key people a few lies about you, sit back and watch the apaths do his dirty work. He knows that if a lie is told often enough eventually it becomes fact in everyone’s eyes.

So often the new woman is terribly cruel to the ex partner and acts like a narcissist themselves, but in actual fact they are probably an apath; capable of empathy but easily influenced by the N’s charms and not really concerned with justice or getting to the truth. He has played to victim and “confided” in her how he is so ashamed he allowed himself to be so weak to abused by his ex, he started telling her that she was so understanding, not like his ex, he can talk to her. She is so complimented and feels so special and superior to the other woman she is hell bent on rubbing the ex’s nose in how perfect she is for the N. Again he sits back and just marvels in his ability to get others to do his bidding. An empath would be unlikely to play into that role for the N, but an apath would soak it up and revel in her role as the superior partner for the N.

I don’t think anyone ever figures out exactly how an N’s mind works but I have had snippets revealed to me that has helped me get over him. One is after we split and he showed up on my doorstep wanting to “help me be successful like him because I was one of his people” and one day I would realize how much he cares for me. I had said no thanks. But he had insisted I let things “play out” that no one knows what the future holds, oh I knew alright, I had been reliving the past for 10 years and now he was involved with someone else and I was supposed to hang on as a groupie making M feel insecure and giving him more opportunity to hurt me. Yeah, really?
While he was there he told me his ex (two exs removed) had died and he managed to squeeze out a few tears and said, “I don’t know why I am crying, we have been apart for years”. I offered up, “Because you ruined her life?” he had his script rehearsed and he had not rehearsed a response to that so said nothing.  Then looked at me with that smirk and said, “She sure hated you.” I asked why, she didn’t even know me, we had never met. He quite matter of factly said because we were so happy and lasted 10 years. I was obviously surprised by that and asked him, “We were happy? you were happy?” He shrugged and said, “Well yeah” and I just said, “You could have fooled me.” But it struck me then that he must have projected to her that he was so happy with me just to hurt her and drive her crazy. So I know, no matter what he says, no matter how he makes things look, I know the truth and I have not seen one bit of evidence that he has changed, in fact he is so on target to what I thought was going to happen I am even surprised at how right I was.

If it wasn’t so sick I would be in awe of how slick he was, I know exactly what he has done. He got me fired by telling lies and the people at CCon, in typical apath fashion took him at his word not questioning why I would sit at a gas station in broad daylight doing drugs and drinking when I lived 5 minutes away,  (I would bet money that that is what happened to him and the reason he lost one of his jobs, that’s what gave him the idea) the letter he handed to me in front of Marisa saying to leave him alone and never contact him again when I didn’t even know his phone number and he had been the one contacting me, the blogs he started accusing me of trying to ruin his life; saying he feared what I would do in revenge for him rejecting me, all a huge orchestrated plan to get what he wanted and it worked.

You can bet that I am the scape goat for everything that goes wrong in JC’s life. This man purposely crashed his truck to get the insurance money, purposely injured himself for attention and I have no doubt he would key his own vehicle or hers and say it was me just to make her believe I was stalking them and they had to move to get away from me. It is a lot easier to believe I would key his vehicle than to believe he would key his own vehicle. I know for sure he forged my signature before and altered court documents so I know he is capable of anything.  He would have blamed me for every time he got fired and said he had to get work out of town, he would blame his moods on me ruining “their life” He would have cried saying it was so unfair that he finally finds true love and I am ruining it. If they could move away and start over just the two of them everything would be perfect. And sure enough he got her to sell her house.

He is now learning to stand up for himself so she should understand why he is unreasonable some times, he has let so many women, namely Carrie walk all over him and he thought she was different than all the others. That is a very popular form of manipulation. Statements like I thought you were different, I thought our love was stronger than that, I thought you were understanding, I thought you wanted me to be happy. It challenges the person and it works every time.

Same as handing over money, it is human nature, you see it with gamblers all the time. They have lost a ton of money but keep gambling thinking they can recoup their losses. As it is with the N, they get you to lend them money, don’t pay you back but come up with some other investment that if you give them more money you will recoup all your money back. Or in the case of JC and M, he owed her $20,000, if she sold her house and they bought a bigger home with land than he could pay the mortgage and they would be equal partners. Except he can never hold a job down, but now that I am out of the picture that will change; by the time she figures out she has been duped its too late, she is in partnership with the devil with no way out except to lose everything she has.  Another victim. And you can bet he is telling everyone who will listen how much he loves her, and behind closed doors she is dying inside because she doesn’t know how she got into this mess and now has no way out.

It can take years for their motives and plans to come to fruition. I never understood why JC started a fight with me in front of my son when we first moved in together, not until years later. He knew he was going to hit me long before he ever did it. He picked the fight with me to make Kris angry knowing Kris would defend me. Kris did exactly what JC expected he would, told JC that if he ever hurt me he would kill him. JC immediately called the police and said Kris uttered threats and he was afraid what Kris would do. It was insane, even the cop agreed with me that it was a normal thing for a teenage boy to defend his mother and he refused to even come out to the house. JC had called the cops not thinking I would pick up the extension in the house. It still didn’t make sense to me why he would want to put a wedge between him and Kris, even if he did plan on abusing me. Until the night he ambushed Kris and I and on his statement he said that there was a history of Kris threatening him and he was acting in self defense.

That is a criminal mind, how can an average citizen ever suspect something like that? and that is how he gets apaths to act as accomplices, and empaths to question their own sanity. If you catch yourself thinking, “who would do something like that, I must be wrong” You are dealing with a psychopath,

This has gotten a lot longer than I had planned. I wanted to show that you can believe NOTHING these people say or do; the only thing you can be sure of is; nothing is as it appears, and they never do anything that doesn’t benefit them in some way.

Do me a favor and read the article, photo copy it and give it to friends, to people you don’t know, maybe if we can make enough people aware of their tactics we can disempower them.

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I have to be honest, I am struggling with something and I thought maybe I should share it seeing as it does have to do with JC and “No Contact”.

Some of you may know that JC popped up a couple of months ago just to make trouble in my life and succeeded to a degree.

Here is a condensed recount of what transpired.

We have to go back to Feb of this year. I was living in this tiny holiday trailer, the only thing good about it was that JC didn’t know where it was. I didn’t have phone reception up there, if my phone did ring it would drop the call so I never answered the phone when I was at the trailer. When I got down to the Husky Gas Station I returned phone calls. So this morning in February I checked for messages and there weren’t any so I called the number back thinking it was a customer, but it went to JC’s voice mail. I didn’t leave a message and hung up immediately. my gut was telling me this can not be a good thing, why would he call, not leave a message and then not answer his phone. Below is an excerpt from a comment he made on my blog in January.

“Any techie can link up with the G P S in ur phone and track where you are….but then he would shadow your calls at the same time.”

I tried to not worry about it but I sensed impending doom.

A short time later I moved to Everglades and was not allowed to park the big company truck in the resort and had to park it on the side of the road outside the park. A few weeks after i moved Colin the mechanic was putting a new deck on my truck when he came up to me and asked if I knew anyone who would want to track me. He showed me a tracking device that he had found under my deck. Apparently they are very easy to attached, it would take seconds, and if a person hadn’t seen one before they would never know it was there, it was the size of a screw.

I had taken my phone to the Rodgers store and asked them if my phone was bugged and they said it wasn’t possible but now I asked Colin and he said most definitely, if the person has the same phone as you it is easier. The person just has to call your number and have you call them back as long as you don’t get a call in between the person will be hooked up to your phone and be able to hear and see everything you do whether you are on the phone or not. I know JC has the same phone I do.

In May I was called into the office at Ccon and told things were not working out, they had my final cheque made out and everything. I was shocked, I had issues I wanted to talk to them about and had been asking for a meeting for weeks, months and I had never had a job description, but I had no idea I was going to get fired without even a warning. I pushed as to why they were letting me go and they didn’t want to say anything at first and then one of the bosses said something about an anonymous phone call, the other boss gave him the death stare and he shut up. I asked “what phone call?” and they told me that I had been seen sitting in the company truck at the Husky Gas Station doing crack cocaine and drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonaide. I was blown away, I told them, “I don’t know what is going on but someone is lying to you.” They said it was a law enforcement officer who called and I asked why he didn’t arrest me then if that is what I was doing? They said he was a fireman. I said, “I have told you that I came from a very abusive relationship and you choose to believe an anonymous phone caller?”

they asked me to leave the office for a minute so they could talk privately and when they called me back in they made me an offer to finance a truck for me and I could pay them back with a percentage of what I made until it was paid off. I thought that was a great deal and started looking for a truck. I hadn’t enjoyed working for them any way and this gave me my freedom again. They wanted a 20 year old, some muscle bound guy that could hump steal 8 hours a day and bring in big loads, and customer service be damned and I can’t work that way.

It has bothered me ever since, who would call and lie like that? It didn’t even make sense, I lived 5 minutes from the Husky whether I was at the trailer or the cabin, why on earth would I sit at the Husky in broad daylight doing drugs and drinking when I could just go home? aside from the fact that I don’t look like a drug addict, act like one nor am I one but it is something that JC has told other people since we split up. But I had no proof……..until………

Some one on here said that they still checked their ex’s activity on the internet just to see what they were up to because knowledge is power and they didn’t trust their ex to not seek revenge even years later. I Googled JC’s most common username and up pops a blog he  has with WordPress, Titled “Disgusted with lady witha truck”

Below is the first post he wrote and in red my come back

“gimme a break!

I quit looking at Carries “ladywithatruck” blog long ago. Her whole premise of “surviving a relationship with a narcissist” and starting over “with nothing” is just so contrived and obtuse that I could not stand to even read it.

I left with a truck that was barely running and broke down the day after I moved. I had $5 and ½ a pack of smokes and moved into a trailer that was a friend of a friends who was a crackhead, (unbeknownst to me because I had never even looked inside the trailer and took my friends word for it being a typical guys place that just needed a woman’s touch) Here are pictures of the place when I moved in.

misc pic from camera 022

the entranceway roof

from phone sept 17 012

Bedroom

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the nicotine stains on the walls

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Laundry room

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kitchen

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cobwebs

I cried all night and Kato and I slept on the couch. I slept sitting up with my coat on because it was so dirty. I cleaned for a solid week. I wore two pairs of rubber gloves to clean the bathroom and it took me 8 hours just to clean the bathroom. The old guy who had lived there before me chain smoked and the owners mother had died 6 years prior and he hadn’t removed any of her possessions yet. He was a trucker who went away to work for 5 months and came home and did crack for a month twice a year.

kitchen after I cleaned

kitchen after I cleaned

 

 

bathroom after 8 hours of cleaning

bathroom after 8 hours of cleaning

 

 

I moved in at the end of November and had a tree  up for Xmas

I moved in at the end of November and had a tree up for Xmas

 

 

I got a new washer and dryer off of Craig's List that were in great shape

I got a new washer and dryer off of Craig’s List that were in great shape

 

 

living room cleaned

living room cleaned

I owed $10,000 for truck repairs and managed to pay off all of it except $3,000 in one year. At one point the fuel pump In my truck packed it In because JC had put dirty fuel in it. I had the shop put a new fuel pump in and JC called the shop and talked them into taking it out because he said he had one and would drop it off the next day. He did not drop it off for a week and when he finally did it wasn’t the right one and I ended up having to pay for having the fuel pump put in taken out and put back in. The whole time this is going on I can’t work and I’m so depressed I took a bunch of pills and called JC to ask him to take Kato in the morning. He never checked on me or called anyone to check on me, or call 911. Luckily I survived.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His post continues

“It is like everything she ever wrote to me, and worse. Because now she ISN’T writing to me….so there is no boundary of truth involved. Now she can imbellish as much as she wants. Now she can totally invent new events, change time periods, omit anything and everything positive and good that I or anyone has ever done for her, and assign malicious intent to anyone she chooses with NO way for anyone to question her, correct her, or challenge her.

I don’t assign malicious intent to anyone but him and I have told the truth, once again a perfect example of a narcissist accusing the victim of exactly what he himself did.

Any question at all of her recollections is automatically deleted and derided. I remember seeing some innocent enough questions to why she was contradicting herself (her blog is a constant source of contradictions and complete opposite accounts) which were met with instant deletions, and her then commenting on the stupidity of those people, and her subsequent blocking of them on her blog, and in the end she took full control over comments….no comment is posted until she has homogenized it.

 I have one question, IF I did delete messages from readers how does he know unless he was the one to write them? How does he know I blocked them? the only person I have blocked any where is him. So that proves he has been in my blog trying to discredit me and is pissed he didn’t succeed, mind you on his blog he named me and my company and had comments set for moderation. I on the other hand do not name him or where he works so obviously do not have my blog in an attempt to destroy him or slander him, but with the intent of saving someone else from the pain I went through. His blog’s sole intent is to slander my good name and destroy my ability to earn a living.

Complete and utter control over the misinformation, and the ability to silence any questions or corrections before they are reviewed by her followers.What a fucking joke. And people are just lapping it up. Now she is canvassing for donations and really playing the woe is me card.

 Yes, after 2 heart attacks (women in domestic abuse relationships are 70% more likely to suffer from heart disease) and being let go because James made an anonymous phone call to Ccon, and considering I devote 4-8 hours a day to answering emails and comments plus writing posts if someone wants to donate I am very grateful. and if he doesn’t visit my blog how does he know I have a donation button?

She is still bullshitting about C Con….she got FIRED because someone caught her smoking crack in her company truck and phoned her boss. Good one! Some times concerned citizens are a godsend.

I told no one, not a soul about someone phoning Ccon because I was waiting to see what happened, I told them it was a lie and I thought it was my ex but I had no proof until he wrote this!! Now I know he did it because how else would he know?

Why am I posting his nasty posts? because I wanted to show how they twist the facts and fabricate stories just to destroy someone. He wrote this post just this past July 2013, we split up at the end of November 2010.  I have not contacted him in anyway in over a year. He is supposedly so happy with his new woman, there is no way anyone can Google his name and get a link to my blog but he is so vindictive he will cut off his nose to spite his face. Maybe he realized that because he has since deleted his blog. I have two other posts he did and I will post those shortly, they will show how they will be saying they love someone one day and the next ridiculing them.

I have to admit though, even all this time after leaving it still bothers me and I want to defend myself. That is how they get to you, he knew I would find it some day and he just can’t leave me alone; he literally has to destroy me in order to be happy and move on.

What a pitiful specimen of a human that is!!

praying handsWhen my son went into rehab at Union Gospel Mission on Cordova in the downtown east side of Vancouver he joined a church called Coastal Church where he was taken under the congregation’s protective wings. He found himself and God. He was baptized in English Bay one year and I was baptized a year later with him in the ocean right by my side, it was one of the most memorable days of my life.

When he was in the depths of his drug use and crime, he was lost to himself and to me. I had always been able to kiss it better, make the pain go away but this time I was lost and beside myself with fear, grief and helplessness. My family had told me to wash my hands of him and forget I ever had him, and that I had “ruined” him by “loving him too much”; which of course was impossible but i didn’t know how to help him. He would disappear for weeks at a time and I would be calling his friends trying to find him, but I couldn’t get through to him, I knew he was hurting deep inside from his dad not being in his life, being teased at school and I felt I had failed him also. I would go to work but wasn’t able to even think of anything but Kris, I was consumed with worry to the point of not being able to function.

ask believeThen a girl I worked with suggested I try praying. Now, I  had very little exposure to religion prior to meeting JC, aside from my paternal grandmother who tried to give me an introduction to God, no one in my family was a believer. When I met JC and found out he had been raised by very Christian parents I was reminded of my grandma and I soaked up any info I could off of him and his parents. I said I believed in God, and JC and I said Grace and discussed the Bible, but when the girl at work suggested I pray my immediate thought was, “You obviously don’t understand the severity of the situation, this is requires more than a prayer”. I finally was desperate enough to try anything, including prayer. The girl at work helped me come up with a prayer that went something like this.

Please God take care of Kris, let him feel my love in all certainty no matter where he is. Please help him see he is deserving of happiness and love. Please lead him down the right path to people who can help him and show him how special he is and please God keep him safe and healthy. one last thing, please God bring him back to me and let me have another chance at being his mother, if you do I will do better somehow. In your son’s name Amen.

I photocopied it and taped it every where I might have an anxiety attack, my computer at work, the bathroom mirror, the fridge; it became my mantra and eventually…….it helped.

Weeks went by and then Kris showed up at my door dirty, tired and hungry. I washed his clothes, he had a shower and I fed him then he told me how he had gone to Union Gospel Mission in Mission for dinner. At UGM if you want dinner you have to listen to a sermon first and a few nights prior he had heard a man speak and something he said stuck with Kris. He talked to the man and a few days later that he decided to go into rehab. The man was able to get him into rehab in two days, any time I had tried to get him into rehab it had been a 6 week waiting period and by the time the bed was available Kris was gone again. He stayed with me for two days and I drove him to UGM, the man was there to send him off. Kris did awesome, the people at UGM loved him and Coastal Church made him their “poster boy”, Coastal Church has a wealthy congregation and pride themselves on accepting any one into their church, prostitutes, drug addicts, criminals come as you are. Kris blossomed there with men to emulate, and the praise and encouragement he kept wanting to please,  they made him accountable, he took his GED, and was top in Canada, then he did a year of discipleship before he was accepted at Alberta Bible College and went to study Theology. Every time I attended church I was greeted by people telling me what a wonderful son I had. One of the members of the congregation gave him an apartment to live in for a small percentage of what he made in a month. Kris wanted black leather everything and I had thought he was being picky to not just take a used couch I offered him, but he told me that God wants us to ask for what we want and to be specific. He said that he had cut out pictures of the black leather couch he wanted and the tables etc. A woman member of the church, who set up apartments for out-of-town businessmen furnished the apartment with black leather everything out of an apartment she was hired to redecorate; she had no idea that Kris wanted leather. He had tattoos that another member of the church covered with professional tattoos and another member paid to have some others lazered off. A dentist that went to the church fixed his teeth, another paid for his education, he got a brand new top of the line bike from someone else, he traveled doing missionary work in Cambodia. He came into his own, his eyes have always been like a mood ring; grey if he was sad and the bluest blue when he was happy and his eyes were blue. My prayers had been answered. His church family was able to do more for him than I ever could have and they believed in him. He always knew i loved him and believed in him but I was his mother, he needed to hear it from people who didn’t have to love him.

The whole time JC and I were together we had miracles happen over and over, I have written about the house at Hatzic where we both felt the spirit of the daughter who had died, we had amazing people come into our life and it seemed there was always someone trying to save JC. It was a large part of why I stayed with him as long as I did.  I realize now that some of what happened was him manipulating the situation but there were genuine miracles that happened in our lives and times God stepped in that JC totally ignored. I had a very strong feeling God was trying to show him the way and he was fighting it tooth and nail.

My faith became stronger and stronger as time went on, mainly because I didn’t know what to do about JC and my relationship, I would pray for a sign that I should stay or leave; and as I am sure you know, a “sign” many times a sign can be interpreted the way you want to interpret it. One thing for sure, every time we split my prayers would be answered and I always did better when JC was not in my life, yet I would go back. My life would get better, I would get strong again and i would let him back into my life and within a few months my life would be falling apart again.

The first time JC strangled me, we were driving down the road on our way home from picking up a scrap car, he was driving and had badgered me for days about owing him $2000 for repairs on my Prelude, I had paid him back and he had agreed I had paid him even though I didn’t think I owed him and it wasn’t a week later and he was riding me again about owing him money. I was a nervous wreck and crying, he kept harping on me and I grabbed his leg and said I didn’t owe him, didn’t he remember I had paid? and without a word he slammed on the brakes and had his hands around my throat. Instinctively I grabbed his wrists and tried to pull his hands off my throat but he was far too strong. I stopped struggling, I remember thinking that he was going to feel so bad when he realized he had killed me, I wondered what he would tell my son Kris, then my body went limp and everything went black. I came too coughing and gasping for air and he continued the drive home. He went in and got on the computer right away and I tried to talk to him, he was just cold, his eyes icy blue and filled with loathing. I finally went to bed and cried.  I don’t know how much time had passed when I felt a pair of strong hands holding my head, one on each side of my head and I felt a calmness come over me and a feeling that everything was going to be ok. I opened my eyes expecting to see JC but there was no one there, I got up and went to him and asked if he had just been in the bedroom holding my head and he looked at me like I was crazy.

prayer answer noEvery time we split I left with nothing but my clothes. One time I went to live with my brother who had promised me work but then it didn’t pan out. I needed to make money and all I could think of was all the stuff I had painted over the previous couple of years. I had never tried to sell any of my art pieces and I was scared to death to approach shop owners about buying it but I was flat broke. I had enough money to get to Fort Langley, a tourist town that has antique and boutique shops lining the streets. When I got there I prayed that I would make $40, enough for gas to get home and some groceries.

I got there about 3 and went into almost every shop, losing my courage every time and walking out without approaching any one. I had given up and was heading out-of-town but I kept telling myself, “you won’t make it home without buying more gas.” I drove past the last antique shop on the edge of town and saw a woman hauling furniture back into her shop. It had been a sunny day and she must have had her wares on display outside and was now, at 4:50 packing it up for the day. I drove about a block and turned around. As I parked she looked up from what she was doing, she didn’t look happy to see a customer that late in the day and I thought to myself, “She’ll be even more unhappy when she finds out I want to sell her something.” I approached as I felt my cheeks getting hot. I told asked her if she would be willing to look at some of my art pieces and she said sure. Long story short she bought $40 worth and told me she was going on a month’s vacation but when she got back she wanted to see more of my stuff. I thanked her and went on my way.

I didn’t go back after a month, I was back with JC and didn’t have a car any more, besides I was too afraid to go back. It was almost a year later that JC and I were semi split again and I needed money desperately so I called the woman’s shop. She was off work that day but the woman who answered the phone told me to call Shirley’s cell phone. She didn’t sound happy to come to the shop on her day off but after a few minutes she told me to meet her there at 3 o’clock. All the way there I prayed to make $100, not $20, not $80, I had to have $100, I prayed non stop all the way there. Shirley liked my stuff and in the end bought $100 worth. She hesitated when she went to get the cash and then she looked at me with a strange look and said,” I would hesitate to say this to any one else but I have a feeling you will understand what I am about to tell you.”

She came and sat down on a bench in front of me and said, “You prayed on the way here didn’t you?” I nodded, she went on, “I didn’t really want to come down here today on my day off but God spoke to me and told me, “this woman really needs the money, go and spend $100.” I said yes that is what I prayed for and she smiled and nodded, “I knew it.” when she counted out the money she said, “$50 from me and $50 from God, we both think you have talent.”

Shirley became a good friend, every time I took product to her we would sit and discuss God and big and small miracles that had happened in her life and were starting to happen in mine.

I started listening for that tiny voice, and it seemed everywhere I went I met Christian people who shared with me, my faith grew daily because almost daily I experienced a miracle of some sort. I had left JC and didn’t have a job, nor furniture but I had income tax money to pay rent. The place I rented was owned by a man with a scrapyard and I was only there a couple of weeks when the owner offered me a job driving the delivery truck. After ten months of driving for him I was to be laid off and I decided I wanted my own truck to do landscaping, deliveries, anything but haul scrap metal. I had no money, a horrendous credit rating and soon no job. I looked everywhere for a truck, tried every way I could think of to get a truck but even those car lots that advertise, “Every one drives, we turn no one down” turned me down for a truck loan.

I was about to give up when I saw a cute GMC 1 ton with a flat deck on it parked on the side of the road with a for sale sign in the window. I stopped and immediately called the number. The man, Rene’ said he would be right there with the keys to let me have a look at it. He told me he had parked it there not even an hour earlier and I was the 4th call he’d had on it. I told him my situation, that I was losing my job and wanted my own truck. I offered him to trade my Eagle talon for the truck but he had enough vehicles so I thanked him anyway and headed home. I prayed for God to some how get me that truck and then I let it go. I must have told him where I worked because 1/2 way through the day he called me.

Rene – You really want that truck don’t you.

Me- Yes I do but like I said I don’t have any money.

Rene’ – I was talking to the wife about it last night, and well we don’t really need the money right now; maybe we can work something out.

Me – What did you have in mind?

Rene’- How much money do you have right now?

Me- Only about $100

Rene’ – Write up an IOU and come to my house tonight with your $100.

I went that night with $100 and a promise to pay the balance within a year and left with a signed transfer and tax form and the keys to the 1 ton.

A stranger, signed over his $4000 truck on a promise and a prayer.

And so began the Lady Witha Truck.

answered-prayers-islamic

Miracles DO happen, even when it doesn’t seem possible, that is why they are called miracles. Believe in the power of prayer, no matter how bleak your situation may seem; nothing lasts forever, not good nor bad.

I want to share more about the miracles that have happened in my life but now it is very late and I am going to bed.

wishing everyone happiness and everyday miracles

Food for Thought On Healing

live not surviveWhy do we hurt when our partner was abusive and didn’t give us what we needed anyway, “I am better off without him; I know it, but it still hurts so bad.”

It hurts because even if the person is not meeting your needs you still had hope that one day they would have an epiphany and eventually they would return to being the person you met. We become addicted to the hope of love. I remember feeling exactly that when JC got involved with M, up until then I still had “hope”, I didn’t know what would happen but i hoped and deep down believed that I would spent the rest of my life with JC, maybe we would break up and make up for ever more, I had accepted that “it was just the way we were”.So when he moved in with M and totally discarded me, told me I made his life hell and he had found the love of his life and I should just kill myself, what I grieved was the loss of hope. I knew she would end up like I did, being lied to but I wanted him to be lying to me, I wanted the false hope, it was better than no hope.

take timeOur minds heal faster than our hearts. In our mind we say we need to get on with life, he treated us poorly or like shit. We will even have some good days where we actually feel we are healing, we can even feel hope for the future and we believe we are going to be ok. Then out of seemingly no where we are hit with a wave of grief and we are alarmed, we think omg will I ever heal? We feel almost as bad as we did in the beginning. I call this a “healing crisis” and It is a very natural part of healing.

Our  heart heals in waves, like the ocean. when the tide is out we feel not too bad, hopeful for the future, then the tide comes in we are overwhelmed with unresolved feels we have to work through in order to heal. Some times the waves of pain, much like the waves in the ocean come in and then retreat over and over again, every time the tide goes out we feel a little bit stronger and then…… a storm comes up and the waves crash against the rocky shoreline, We are crushed by the waves of pain battering us again. The tide will retreat again and when it does you will feel a little bit stronger a little more healed but you have to weather the storm, knowing it is a normal part of healing.

While with the narcissist/psychopath we were in constant chaos, drama after drama, he did it on purpose because he needs the drama and the attention it brings, he needs conflict (as much as he always said he didn’t and blamed you for causing conflict all the time) to keep us off balance and in the process we blocked some of the pain, or didn’t even have time to deal with some of the pain because we were in the midst of another narcissistic rage before we had a chance.

I know that when my sister in-law related things he did to me I didn’t even remember some of the incidents. When you are healing, as you heal from all the pain inflicted over the course of the relationship old hurts are brought to the forefront. You couldn’t physically deal with all the pain at once so as you heal your heart adds a little more pain for you to deal with. You HAVE  to deal with all that pain or healing can not happen. If you continue to bury your pain it will come out at some point, maybe even years down the road when you least expect it and when it doesn’t make sense. You will be triggered by something, perhaps something your new man does and out of seemingly no where you will have a melt down. Pain is uncomfortable but so necessary for healing to occur.

There are 4 emotions we must feel in order to heal, anger, sadness, fear and sorrow; we must deal with all four in order to fully heal. Even if we are happy to leave the relationship and think we aren’t sad or afraid of being alone those feelings are buried somewhere and will cause negative reactions later in our life. Some people won’t allow themselves to feel anger, perhaps growing up they weren’t allowed to feel anger, (I know I wasn’t) so it is an uncomfortable feeling and we don’t deal with it or we deal with it in an unhealthy manner.

Everyone has a need to be loved, if a person is single long enough they find love in many places, with friends, family, pets, there are so many ways to feel loved. But when we are in a committed relationship we replace our need for love with a need for our partner’s love and forget how to feel loved any other way. We have to relearn to love and receive love from other sources.

what i becomeOften times people will attempt to fill the emptiness they feel by focusing on something else so they don’t have to feel the pain, they focus on the children and being “super parent” or they become promiscuous, become a workaholic  or bury themselves in charitable work. It only delays the healing but if done within reason and not as a replacement it can help in the healing because it takes you “out of your self-centeredness. Some times we don’t want to let go of the pain, it soothes us, we start to need the pain to feel at all, and it keeps us attached to the N, as long as we are hurting because of him he is still part of our life. if we let go of the pain we let go of him. Some times we don’t want to be happy and it feels more natural to complain and whine about how he hurt us and how we will never heal, we are damaged for life, never to love again, we hurt more than any one else, our love was stronger than any one else’s. Some how our pain is more intense and all consuming more than anyone else’s pain. We get so focused on our pain we can’t see anything else, we shrivel up into ourselves projecting to the world that we are the walking wounded. We don’t smile, we want people to see our pain, but you know what? people really don’t care, they shy away from people in pain, they have their own pain and for the most part people don’t want to listen to your pain. People are much more apt to relate to someone’s pain if they see the person trying to do something to heal their pain. I know people got damn sick of me leaving JC, crying and complaining and then turning around and going back for more. As soon as people see you are really trying to heal and not nurturing your pain, but nurturing your soul they will start reaching out to you with offers of help and understanding.

I found I felt so much better when I performed random acts of kindness. Whenever I get really down I do this, which is stupid; I should do it all the time and not just because I feel shitty. But throughout my day I would be very aware of the people around me and when the “voice” told me to help a person I did. I’ll give you a few examples:

One day it was torrential rain and the wind was blowing, I saw I little old lady struggling with a shopping cart trying to get it up over the curb and onto the sidewalk. The light changed and I had to go but there was this little voice saying, “Give the little old lady a ride home”. I had Kato in the truck and I told myself she wouldn’t want to get in my dirty truck, but by the time I got to the corner I decided to circle the block, by the time I got to her she had managed to get her shopping cart on the sidewalk but I stopped anyway and offered her a ride. She declined but the look on her face made my day. Who knows what she was thinking as she struggled with her cart in the cold rain, maybe she was feeling totally alone and unloved and by stopping she knows that someone cared enough to stop. I know in my heart I did something good that day, that lady needed me to stop.

I don’t give to everyone I see with their hand out, but if God puts it on my heart I will give whatever he tells me to. I have been down to my last $30 and God put it on my heart to walk up and give someone $20, I would argue with him and say, “I’ll give them 1/2 what I have, $15 but he will say, “No you have to give the whole $20.” So I will. Without fail whenever I have done that the person has said that is exactly what they needed, I had answered their prayers. One time I saw 3 people sitting on the concrete at a strip mall, they had a dog and they were digging through their pockets looking for money. They weren’t begging, no sign asking for money but that voice inside said to buy them some food. So first I went to the pet store and bought the dog some food then I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant I go to often and asked her to give me the 3 dish special. I asked her what was her most popular dishes were and she asked who it was for. When I told her it was for the 3 people sitting outside her restaurant she just beamed and in her broken English told me that she would take care of it. She loaded up 3 big take out containers with the best heartiest food she had, lots of sweet and sour boneless, chow mien and I think bread chicken. I walked out and said to the people, “I hope I won’t offend you but I just picked this up for you and something for your dog.” They were so taken back and so grateful. And I felt like a million bucks.

inspirational_quotes_on_giving_upTry it, you will see how it transforms your life. And you know what? I have never had to do without whenever I have given to someone, God always finds a way to get me through. I have so many amazing stories of how karma came back to me every time i listened to “the voice” and I will dedicate a whole post to it soon because I think it is well worth repeating and it just proves we are not alone in this life and we are all important and a part of the whole. We all make a difference in the world, if we can pull our heads out of our a$$es long enough to see the pain all around us. When you reach out to someone else you can’t help but feel better about yourself and for love of God, you have been giving to a self serving, mean spirited person until you had nothing left and didn’t get appreciated for it, in fact you got abused for it. If you are that giving a person then give to someone who will appreciate it. It takes you out of your comfort zone, I was so afraid to approach people at first, for fear they would be offended and tell me to F off. Don’t put yourself in danger, you don’t even have to go looking for someone to help, in fact that isn’t what I am saying at all. I am saying to go about your life, only do it with your head up, eyes open and in tune with that tiny voice, your gut, whatever you want to call it. some people are more aware of that inner voice than other but you can develop the skill of hearing your inner voice.

Well I have to run to the store for more heart meds so I will do another post on small miracles and inner peace later.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful Sunday.

With love and hugs

Playing Russian Roulette With The Devil

russian roulette woman
Lately it seems every time I turn the TV on there is another true murder mystery where the woman was murdered by her significant other. The last two were on 48 Hours a couple of days ago.

One of the cases took 18 years to solve and they still don’t have a body and in another case they had the legs of one victims and just a skull of another.

The circumstances were different in all the cases, one was the wife of a doctor, another was a hooker and the daughter of the woman, the ages varied but there were two glaring similarities in all every single case.

1. In every single case the woman was swept off her feet by the guy and felt she had met her “soul mate”, he was; too good to be true, treated her like a queen and pressured her to commit and move in together or get married quickly. No matter who voiced concerns about it being too soon the woman was convinced she had met the love of her life.

2. They were murdered just before or after maintaining contact with him after leaving the relationship.

Between meeting and separating the scenario is very much like what we have all experienced. Once the man has the woman “hooked” the mask starts to slip. She finds out that he embellished his past, over stated his income, and he doesn’t have the job or the possessions he professed to have. He borrows a bit of money and pays it back but inevitably he borrows a larger sum and never pays her back, she ends up investing more money into the relationship, he feels entitled. They start to fight about money.

The fights escalate, at first it’s subtle put downs, and then the jealousy starts, she becomes more and more isolated, loses more money, and more and more it becomes clear he is not the man she thought he was when she met him and he has lied about almost everything.

In most of the cases the verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse, which also escalated, In only one case did the abuser leave any evidence of abuse such as bruises.

The only way they were able to solve one case was because the woman had started to dig into her husband’s past and was keeping photo’s of her bruises and evidence of his lies. She had all the evidence she had collected hidden in her closet and the police found it.

I don’t want to be melodramatic, I don’t want to make everyone paranoid and fearful but there is a real disconnect happening with the victims of abuse. Victims become desensitized to the abuse, although they know in their heart that being hit, infidelity, jealous rages, porn addiction,  and the head games narcissists play are wrong; they let it continue. I can only think of one reason this happens; denial.

The victims are hooked on the romance and excitement of the fight and then the reconciliation. I remember how it was, we would fight,(it wouldn’t even be something serious enough to fight about but the simplest of discussions could turn ugly before you know what’s happening) he would storm out with his last words ringing in my ears, “That’s it!! I’m done!!”

I would be angry at first (how did a simple disagreement turn into us breaking up?) but as soon as those words came out of his mouth the panic would set in. I would pace, unable to work or think clearly, food would get stuck in my throat, I would cry uncontrollably, then I couldn’t handle it anymore and I would call him, usually he wouldn’t answer or maybe he would call me and I wouldn’t answer but by the end of the day we would make contact of some sort. Aside from when he was in Africa we talked everyday
Whenever we did talk he would use his “soft” voice and ask how I was. I would say not very good and he would ask if I’d eaten. I would so no and he would tell me to meet him or he would pick me up. If I said I wasn’t hungry he would say, “You have to eat”.
When we saw each other he would be loving, call me “Babe”, pull me close, kiss me and say I love you. We wouldn’t talk about the fight I would just be so happy we weren’t fighting.

It was addicting, romantic, when he looked into my eyes and whispered he loved me and pulled me close it was the best feeling in the world. I remember thinking, “As long as I am in his arms, as long as we have “this” we will be ok, I will be ok”.

I knew it was unhealthy, the fights were crazy, nothing was ever resolved, he was doing things I knew no other woman would tolerate and if I had a friend in a relationship like that I would have told her she was crazy (in fact I had on several occasions, my g/f’s boy friends always hated me because I was no-nonsense. They would stand their ground and the guy would say, “You’ve talked to Carrie again haven’t you?”).

He set things up so he could “rescue” me. I got used to ignoring my gut instincts and making excuses for his behavior. The fact that he disabled my vehicles or that I could predict when he would “injure” himself should have had me running for the hills but I started viewing these things as signs that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me; scary thought processes. I also got hooked on solving the mystery, figuring out what he was up to now; it was like living in a game of Clue only he was the only one committing the crime I just had to figure out what exactly he was doing and with who.

Denial was easy really because if I told anyone what I suspected they thought I was crazy, police didn’t believe me, my best girl friend at the time didn’t believe me; she said that any time she heard him talking about me all he did was brag about my cooking and say how much he loved me. She had seen him bringing me home flowers at least once a week

One of the many times we were split and we’d had a huge fight the night before. I went out to go to work in the morning and he is under my truck doing something. I immediately got that feeling in my stomach and asked him what he was doing under there. He climbed out and said something about he thought he saw something hanging down and then he said, “Get in and pop the hood would ya?” I did, and the time I am thinking, “What is he doing, why did I pop the hood.” he fiddled around under the hood for a while and then closed it. I asked what he was doing and I don’t remember what he said now, I knew nothing about mechanical things back then. I have gotten smarter out of necessity.

I pushed the feeling of doom down and we talked, like nothing had ever happened and he said he would call me later. I went to my first job, kinda surprised that my truck didn’t break down. I went to leave my first job and I had no power steering or brakes. It was nothing short of a miracle that it didn’t happen when I was driving because I probably would have had an accident. If it would have let go on a hilly curvy road I could have died. I had a guy check it out for me and he said the brake line had worn through, when I asked him if someone could have done it on purpose he gave me a strange look and I thought, “yeah , I am just being paranoid.”

There was the time we had another huge fight and were still fighting in the morning. He called later that day and asked if I needed anything from the grocery store, I gave him a short list of things we needed. I got home and there was a very sweet loving letter on the table from him saying he wanted Kris and I to go with him to pick up cars and he would buy us supper. It struck me very strange because he had said nothing to me about it on the phone, he hated Kris and Kris hated him and why hadn’t he just called me and asked me to go with him; why would he go back home and leave the letter where he knew I wouldn’t see it until it was too late? A bit later he called and said he didn’t want to come into the park and could I meet him at the gate and pick up the groceries. I thought he meant the gate to the resort so I walked up, he called me pissed off because I was taking so long, I told him I was at the gate and where was he. He was really pissed off and yelled that he hadn’t meant the gate to the resort, he had meant the gate to where he was doing some side work. It was on the other side of the railway tracks and the only thing on the other side was a lumber mill and the river. When I was almost there the train went flying by and I got immediately sick to my stomach. As the train passed I looked across the tracks and saw the bags of groceries by the tracks and him outside his vehicle by the gate which was quite a distance from the tracks. I started putting the groceries into the trunk of the car and he never came to help me, he just stood there watching me with a look that totally nullified the loving nature of the letter he left on the table. When I got home and started putting the groceries away there was absolutely none of the things I had asked for in the bags.

A couple of days later I came home early and could hear him rummaging through the cupboards and throwing things around.

I don’t want to get side tracked and have written about this before, so I’ve put the links to what happened next below if you are interested.

http://wp.me/s1wKh3-ambushed
http://wp.me/p1wKh3-sI
 
http://wp.me/p1wKh3-t1

The point I am trying to make is this;
We get so desensitized to danger and so used to the erratic behavior and mood swings we don’t listen to our nature instincts that are screaming danger!!

Like I have said many times, I am no better than anyone here, in fact probably a lot worse than many people who come here; for being weak and accepting behavior I should have walked away from years before. But I have to point out the dangerous game women play when they keep going back to the narcissist/psychopath. It is like playing russian roulette; how many times can you go back before he cracks. I started praying he would kill me just to stop the madness.

Narcissists are vindictive, they do not own a conscience, and they hate rejection; the perfect traits for a murderer but what do we do? We taunt him, we break up with him, go no contact and he calls and text messages for weeks and either he gives up or we give in. He tells us he loves us, lavishes attention on us and we know in our gut it is wrong but we go back and the abuse starts again and we do the same dance over and over and over with no thought about when he might reach his breaking point.

I am sure these women who were killed by their soon to be ex or ex N didn’t think the meeting was going to end in their murder. In one instance it was their anniversary, they exchanged cards, he spent the night and the next morning stabbed her 37 times.

I watched Sam Vaknin’s video about giving the Narcissist a second chance and he said what I have said all along. They come back to see if they can. If you take them back they won and the mask falls almost immediately and the abuse worse because he knows he has the victim. He has no respect for her whatsoever and views her as weak and he does not respect weakness in the least. He abhors weakness.

If he has to work at winning the victim back, if she has moved on and is doing well without him he takes it as a personal insult; how dare she succeed without him. Then he wins her over to make her pay for insulting him; he sets out to destroy her.

Either way he loathes you and wants to make you pay.

rhaisson pull trigger

Don’t taunt the devil!! Make your break and stay away, go no contact and stay no contact. I consider myself very lucky to have survived all the times I taunted the devil.

Letting It Be

One of the things I learned through the 10 years I was with JC was that some times you have to let things play out. I used to make things happen, but there was no way you made JC do anything. Plus for the most part while we were together we were leaving it in God’s hands, we prayed alot and I drew alot of peace and strength from that. Since JC, I haven’t gotten the same sense of being at peace when I pray. Before I met JC I wasn’t a “nonbeleiver” but after I met him and his mother my belief grew very strong, and it has just been gone since things turned bad the last time we were together. You csn’t laugh at me but I actually thought God had brought us together and whenever we were about to break up my truck woid break down or he would get injured and circumstances (God) brought us back together. Naive eh? It took me 9 years to believe anyone could purposely sabotage someone’s vehicle or purposely injure themselves. I was always waiting for him, to go to the store, to go to Christmas dinner, to take me to emergency, you msme it I waited. When day after painful day I waited for my truck to be fixed I learned patience and I learned to wait,  it was out of my control; I had to let it go.

Yesterday I woke up and needed smokes so immediately got up and took a sleepy eyed Laila for a walk to the store. It was peaceful, the sun just coming up, me in my pj’s, macassins, sweatshirt and no contact lens in. Au natural! Poor neighbours!! I went in (couldn’t tell you who was in the store but it was crowded ) and the smell of bacon and eggs made my stomach growl. I got a cup of coffee and the newspaper and made some small talk with the little Chinese lady that consisted of alot of smiling, hand gestures and head nodding, then headed home.

I wasn’t looking forward to working and had $40 and 1/2 a tank of gas so didn’t feel panicked about making money so I sipped my coffee, ate the rest of an apple pie and read the paper front to back. I didn’t get out of the house until after noon with a “come what may attitude”.

I have been really plagued with indecision about what I should be doing with my life, whether I should give up on scrap; I am just not able to do the job the way I like. But I don’t know what else to do; work at Tim Horton’s or WalMart for $10 an hour part time? But yesterday I decided to let it go. My first pick up was one of my favorite customers, Symons Tire, I love those guys; and then I dropped my weedeater at another customers, Prospect Equipment and once again enjoyed some easy banter. From there I zipped out to a new customer I picked up last week, the distribution centre for MTF stores. They had 3 pallet jacks to be picked up. I was very proud of myself that I got one on the truck all by myself. It took a bit of doing and I was laughing out loud by myself as I struggled with the damn thing; but with a chain, a load binder and using my sides as a ramp I got the job done and it was time to head to the scrap yard. When I got back to Abbotsford I drove past Home Depot (also a customer) and saw they had some scrap out. I was loading it when a couple of guys yelled out loud”Hey! Lady Witha Truck, how are you doing today?” one of the guys was hanging out the window but I didn’t recognize him. I waved anyway and yelled back,”Great thanks”. I went back to loading and then heard a voice say,” It is you! I saw the pink sign on the truck door and thought it must be you”. I turned and saw a homeless guy I’ve talked to many times in the past, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten his name but I greeted him with as much enthusiasm as he had greeted me. He asked where my big truck and the crane went. I told him I had to get rid of it. He said,”wow, that’s too bad, you were really a force to be reckoned with, like you were my , well, you were like my hero. You were really doing it, better than the guys.”

Me: Shit happens you know?

Guy: Yeah, don’t I know that!.
Guy: I am so happy I ran into you, I’ve wondered where you were. Hey I have something I want to give you, you’re gonna be so excited when you see it and if you don’t mind I’d be honored if you take it. He pulled the lid off a rubber maid container he has strapped to a small trailer he pulls behind his bicycle.

Me: That’s a nice set up you have there.

Guy: Yeah its everything I own, a down sleeping bag and another one that I use as a mattress, a change of clothes, that’s about it.

Me: you’ve got it very neat and it stays dry and it looks good. The guy proudly pulled the lid with a bit of a flourish: Now you can see inside.

Inside the container his sleeping bag was neatly rolled up, his clothes folded and he pulled everything out to get a towel from the bottom. Wrapped in the towel was a pair of wire cutters he hands to me: They have a life time warranty at Canadian Tire. He says.

Me: wow! That’s super, I can always use wire cutters. Would you be offended if I gave you $5 for them?

Guy: I didn’t expect anything for them but if you want.

We talked for awhile about scrap prices, where he sleeps at night and I asked him if the cops leave him alone and he said yeah except to wake him up to make sure he isn’t dead.

Me: You know…..if it weren’t for the generosity of a friend who lets me live in his trailer I’d be sleeping in the bushes right along side you.

Guy with a wink: I wouldn’t mind and he giggled nervously and I just wanted to give him a hug.

Me: I had better get going.

Guy as he extends his hand: I sure am glad I ran into you!! You are a really special lady you know.

I shook his hand and thanked him.

Me: you take good care now ok? And we waved goodbye. I got to the scrap yard and as I went over the scale I hear, “You’re breaking the scale!!!” and turn to see a nice looking guy who haul scrap and we laughed. They called him back into the office and I yelled,” Your in trouble now”.

As I back up to the scrap pile to unload the owner Carlo gives me a wave and walks over to the truck: Hey Carrie, how are you today?

Me: Great! And you? Carlo looks tired and is covered in dirt but he flashes me a big smile of perfect  white teeth that seem brighter because he is so dirty: busy day but I’m good.

I unload and go over to the nonferrous section. I am unloading my nonferrous and hear,”Hey Lady Witha truck!” and look up to see another fellow scrap hauler and give him a wave. As I walk into the office another one of the regulars, an older guy I see there often greets me with: Hey smilie, you staying out of trouble?

Me: Of course! I’m too old to get in trouble.
Him with a snort: Too old.
Me as I pushed past him: excuuuuuse me, coming through. And everyone in the office laughed.I got $120 and it wasn’t even 4 pm yet. I took the dogs for a much needed pee and walk and then went to Shoppers drug Mart for some face cleanser. When the cashier rang up my order she asked if I wanted to donate to their cause. I asked what the cause was and she replied 100% of what they collect goes to help women who have been in abusive relationships. I told her to add $5 to my bill. She was squealing with excitement! “You get to sign a butterfly!” she explained $1 you get a leaf, $5 a butterfly and an acorn with $10 and she’s only had people donate $1 so far. I had a laugh and told her I was in an abusive relationship and we discussed how emotional abuse is much harder to heal from than physical abuse. She is young but very mature and I tell her about my blog. From there I go to the grocery store, there’s a guy a guy playing the guitar, he’s pretty good, has a raspy voice and is singing a country song that got me feeling like a dance. Just as I get to the door a guy is walking out, I don’t recognize him but he says, “Your trucks keep getting smaller Lady Witha Truck.” Me: ALOT smaller! And laugh.

I grabbed a few groceries, took the dogs for a walk stopping half a dozen times to let people pet them. Laila performs and gives high 5’s right on cue. A lady leans out as she drives past, “Hey are those Shar-pies? They’re beautiful.

Me: Dad and daughter” thanks yes they are!

We get back in the truck and as I drive past the guitar player I feel I should be giving him something but I’m heading home and don’t want to stop. I get to the first intersection and turn around. I pull up, stop the truck and throw $3 in his guitar case as he sings “You gotta know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away and know when to run.” I smiled at him and said,” Have a good night”.

I think I got my answer today

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday I felt I was exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time and I was at peace. One day at a time.

Love to you all.