Tag Archives: knowing your worth

You Get To Choose What Kind Of Victim You Want To Be

What do I mean by you get to choose what kind of victim you get to be? You never chose to be a victim at all!! Who would choose to be a victim? That is crazy! and you are just struggling to cope with life, handle your grief and pain, there is no choice in the matter at all!!

Well, you are wrong, you DO have a choice! There are several types of victims and it is totally up to you which one you pick.

There is the “All men are scum” victim, they refuse to ever trust again, if they do meet a man they can find narcissistic traits in the most innocent of actions. I heard from one victim who after about a year went on a date with a fellow, they had a really good time, he was very gentlemanly and said he would call later in the week. She got home and started analyzing the night, he was awfully nice. I don’t know how she found out but she figured it out that he had gone out of town for 4 days, and so she dumped him because he was a liar. I asked her how she knew he had gone out of town and why she figured it was any of her business.  Even if he had gone out of town with another woman he must have had the plans made before he had the date with her, so that meant he was a man of his word and kept the date with the other woman. So far he had done nothing wrong. And he called her later in the week like promised. But you can bet once he found out she had spied on him and she accused him of being a narcissist he ran to the highest hill to get away from her; if he didn’t he is probably a narcissist. A normal healthy man is not going to put up with being spied on or deal with your paranoia just because you were hurt in the past. Nor should he!

There is the “I have no control” victim. She relies on the man to give her worth and make her feel good about herself but she leaves what man she dates totally up to the man. She dates and the first man that shows her any attention is the one she falls in “love” with. She worries about whether she is the type of woman he wants and bends herself into a pretzel trying to be the right woman for him. She tells him that she was hurt badly in the past, thinking that will protect her from him hurting her. For one thing a normal healthy man never goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting the other person, so what does she expect? that he will commit on the 1st date to spend the rest of his life with her? there is always a chance of getting hurt in every relationships, even the healthy ones. And if the guy is a narcissist you have given him private info he will use against you down the road and he has no scruples and doesn’t care if you have been hurt before, he is still going to hurt you. She goes through life wondering why she keeps attracting narcissists and they keep hurting her.

Then there is the “I am done with love forever” victim. Their lives are ruined, they have no faith in love, don’t believe in love and think all men are evil. They vow to spend the rest of their lives single and warning others about narcissists, they spend all their time on Narcissist Support Forums warning other women about narcissists and reliving their own pain day after day after day.

There is the “I will expose him and bring him down” victim who spends the rest of her days, stalking her ex, she stays in contact with him so she can know what he is up to at all times and she spends her days trying to figure out what he is up to now and continually warns the women in his life. She then can not believe that the new woman does not believe her and hates the new woman for being so stupid, she tells herself they deserve each other. This victim talks with such venom and hatred about the narcissist to anyone who will listen that friends drop off and she gets to be known as the crazy lady. Which she is, the narcissist didn’t do that to her, she did it to herself by making him the focus of her life instead of getting on with life herself.

What do all these victims have in common? They were all clinging to the narcissist in some way and giving him all the power over them. I have said it many times before, IT IS NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT that they were targeted by a narcissist; BUT that does not mean they had no control over it or couldn’t have avoided it had they known their own self worth and what they were dealing with. Anyone can be targeted by a narcissist but not everyone succumbs to their charms and manipulation. Why? Because they know they worth and they have set boundaries they are not afraid to defend.

You can say, “but I am an empath and I can’t help it”. I say “yes, you can help it. You CAN be an empath and still protect yourself from being a victim of a narcissist. You can trust again and find love, you can still be a loving caring person without giving yourself away to the man you love.”

And THAT is what I want to talk about in No Reim’er Reason.” You don’t have to be frozen and controlled by your fear of being hurt again. You don’t have to be a victim the rest of your life, using your victimhood as a shield against ever loving again, hiding behind your hurt too afraid to venture out in the world. You CAN take your experience and become a strong vibrant woman in love with life that men are drawn to because you know your worth and you are out there living your life happy with inner peace. NOT because some man told you that you are wonderful and lovable but because you know without a doubt that you ARE valued and loved for who you are and you won’t take anything less from anyone.

Yes, an important part of healing, the beginning part; requires learning about the narcissist and how they operate but it will not protect from future narcissists, THAT comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and believing in yourself. It is the ONLY way of protecting yourself. If you have been continually hurt by narcissists you need to look within to find the answers.

Being a victim can become very comfortable, it relieves you of all responsibility for your happiness, it gives you a purpose and identity, and it becomes comfortable. Have you found that when you come in here and talk about the narcissist you almost get a “high”, you can relate to everyone who comes in, you bond with everyone through being a victim. It becomes a little “us against them” sorority, the initiation fee is a broken heart. And it is good to know you are not alone, that you are not crazy, but you can get stuck there too. The more you think about and talk about the narcissist the deeper he becomes embedded in your mind. You become as hooked on being a victim as you were to the narcissist. Being a victim becomes your addiction, your crutch. It is easier to be a victim than look within for answers and work on yourself, you might not like what you see when you look at yourself, you don’t want to change, change is scary but you can not be who you were, that person is gone forever, you slept with the devil and nothing can change that. Do you grow from it and become a better person? that is totally up to you.

On my emails I sign off with this tag line

I don’t know when it happened but at some point I stopped trying to find the old me and started trying to be the best me.

Join me at No Reim’er Reason to become your best you.

The you who knows your worth and goes out into the world open to whatever comes your way be it love, friendship, or a life being single. A victim who doesn’t consider themselves to be a victim. A woman who embraces everything that has happened to her in life because it brought her to this place, a woman who has taken her experiences and used them to make herself more aware, more loving, more accepting and less needy, suspicious and afraid.

When you meet a man you are attracted to you aren’t filled with fear that he will be another narcissist because you know you are in control. You know that you will never let anyone cross your boundaries again and if you aren’t being treated as you should be you will have the power and confidence to walk away. You won’t ever again try to be the woman a man wants, you will approach dating with the mind set “is he the man for me” , you won’t “let things slide”, “settle” for less than you deserve, you will be able to walk away without guilt when you see that the man’s words do not match his actions, you won’t need “proof” that he is an asshole, you will know that it is ok to walk away because you feel uncomfortable with the way things are going in the relationship. You will listen to your gut and know it is telling you to walk and you won’t have to prove it to yourself, you will not longer feel you have to fix everything and every man. You will not have to prove what a good woman you are by support a man with potential. You will know that you are a wonderful woman deserving of a man who knows his own self worth and doesn’t need a woman to tell him or support him or sacrifice for him.

Reality Check

life-is-not-a-fairy-tale-or-a-bed-of-roses-aarti-khurana

Ok, he has discarded you and you are heartbroken, the 3 W’s plague you,

what, when and why; the love of your life has discarded you and is now madly and passionately in love with someone else and loathes you.

How did you go from being the woman he waited his whole life for, the woman who showed him what true, unconditional love was all about, to the psycho bitch he now claims you to be?

You remember the day it all flipped and things started to spiral down into a dark abyss you couldn’t claw your way out of, it was like an alien force pulling you down, down, down suffocating the life out of you and he held the rope you were clinging to and only he had the power to save you but he just laughed and told you it was your own fault.

You torture yourself thinking of how you could have changed the outcome of the best thing that ever happened to you turning into the most horrific soul crushing experience of your life. What could you have done to save the relationship and his love?

You are consumed with self doubt, what if’s, if only’s and what does she have that you don’t?

How will you survive this? you can’t stand the thought that it is all your fault that you are not going to grow old with the love of your life, the man you sacrificed everything for. Logic tells you that it is over, there is no point in ruminating about what you could have done differently, it won’t change things now, he has moved on. But you can’t sleep at night, how will you avoid it happening again?

In past relationships you came away with some lessons learned. He admits to some of the blame and you can see where you could improve. In the past when serious relationships failed I could look back and see where I was wrong, maybe I was too inflexible, or too demanding and he drank too much or whatever the reasons were for the relationship to fall apart.

Whatever differences the two of you had you know how to avoid them now. We come away smarter and more self aware. But with the narcissist you have nothing concrete, he doesn’t tell you why he thinks you are a paranoid psycho except to say that is what drove him into another woman’s arms; but he made you the paranoid psycho bitch by screwing around., It is a vicious circle that can’t be solved without him admitting to some fault which will never happen so there you are,

unable to sleep another night wondering how you could have changed things and how the hell can you ever trust yourself to love again when you don’t know what went wrong this time.

Let’s look at what he is saying and what you could have done to make it better.

The bullshit sandwich he forces down your throat – It is your fault that he cheated on you; if you wouldn’t have always been angry or crying he would have wanted to come home.

Ok, if you are really generous in the understanding department, which we all know we are, that is fair.

We all know that most moral, committed people who love someone usually leave the relationship prior to looking for love elsewhere and if they have, when confronted about it; would admit it and not deny it so vehemently.

But lets look at why you were angry and crying;

– because you discovered personal ads?

– he stopped coming home at night?

– he pulled disappearing acts for days with no explanation where he had been and he refused to answer his phone?

– because you have been faithful to him for years and he brought you home an STD?

– Because he stole money from you?

Word Salad he tries to feed you – Yes, he was cheating BUT only because you didn’t trust him anyway so he thought he might as well cheat because you were thinking he was.

If you are anything like me, you trusted him explicitly until he proved he was untrustworthy and you didn’t accuse him of cheating until you had proof because you would never wanted to believe he would cheat and you didn’t want to falsely accuse him. Even when you did have proof you still gave him a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance and he never once tried to prove to you he could be trusted, only turned it back on you for not trusting him. Saying things like:

– I can’t believe you snooped on me! How could you do that? I trusted you!

– How could you phone her? I had her number that doesn’t mean I was going to call and now you have made it into a big deal and I have to talk to her. ( yeah my ex actually said that when I found a picture beside the computer of a beautiful young teenager and called the phone number he had scrawled across the paper. I got the girl’s mother who said her daughter had been using her cell phone and must have been goofing around. I informed her that her 17 year old daughter had been talked to my 40 year old common law husband. She laughed, stupid bitch)

– When do I have time to cheat? (all those times you disappear without answering your phone, when you take your cell phone in the bathroom with you, when your phone rings and you look at the call display and take the call in another room or don’t answer and then text message someone, when you sit up all night on dating sites)

– I can’t handle you, why would I want two women? (To feed your insatiable need for admiration and attention?)

– So NOW you are accusing me of cheating? What next? I can’t believe you! you really need help!

Notice something?  not once did he give proof of his faithfulness, all he did was turn it back on you, put you on the defensive, made you sound like a psycho bitch.

Narcissists usually give a general statement on most things, like you are a psycho, paranoid, bitch that made his life hell. But if you ask him to tell you exactly what you did to deserve that description he won’t give you a straight answer. He will saying something like. “If I have to tell you that just shows how out of touch with reality you really are, or how sick you are or how self centered you are

It’s the same with the new woman. He has met the woman of his dreams, she is nothing like you, and she is his soul mate. Ask him exactly what he loves about her and watch him stutter and stammer as he tries to come up with something. Most of us can write a laundry list of reasons why we love someone.

I used to ask my ex why he loved me and he couldn’t come up with anything specific, just that he loved me. In his blog recently he was expounding on what he loves about his new woman, – she is handy with her hands, she is frugal, she has good ideas once in awhile, she listens to him talk about his day and she gets his jokes. Also everything good in his life comes from loving her and her loving him. (Everything as in; a Harley, his mobile shop, his new shop he is building, a roof over his head). Nice.

He says he is free to be himself with her- yet he bitches that she is inflexible, lacking spontaneity, is too organized, too emotional, too demanding and wants him to change almost everything about himself. So which is it?

It is no different with her than it was with you, he loves her when it convenient to him ie: when he wants to hurt you or when he wants to convince other people that it was all your fault.

I remember in the beginning when he started acting like he hated me he would deny it, saying I was being too sensitive. I went to my best friend at the time who knew us both and told her how I was feeling, she told me what she thought would make me feel better and what she saw with her own eyes, that he loved me. He talked about me all the time, bragged about my cooking and skills around the house, she saw him bringing home flowers. She confirmed what he was saying. I was being too sensitive.

So the boundaries get blurry, it is just a feeling, but it isn’t just a feeling because when you are alone he acts like he hates you. It eats away at your self esteem and it makes you doubt your natural gut instincts that tell you when you are in the company of someone who is insincere and does not have your best interests at heart.

You were a healthy person trying to have a healthy relationship with an anomaly. How can you possibly be your true loving self if you never know who you are with? If you are loving he pulls away, if you are distance he calls you cold. But you kept trying didn’t you? you tried everything but nothing worked.

When I was plagued with self doubt and tormented with thoughts of how happy he was with the new woman and how he felt it was all my fault the relationship didn’t last I stopped the craziness by looking at the whole 10 years with honest eyes. I forgave his infidelity, I gave him my trust right from the beginning, I did not become suspicious until he gave me reason to be suspicious and even then I gave him the benefit of doubt. I tried to discuss things calmly and rationally but he would twist my words, I tried writing letters hoping it would allow me to express myself without him interrupting me but either he didn’t even acknowledge receiving the letter or I got a scathing letter pointing out all my fault. I stopped reacting when he didn’t come home at night; he just stayed out later and got meaner and I sunk deeper into despair and insecurity. I realized there was nothing I could have done differently.

If I was such a horrible person he should have left me and stayed away. If he wanted other women he should have stayed away instead of coming to me in tears, apologizing for the personal ads and promising me he had taken his ad down and telling me I was all the woman he would ever want or need.

I am sorry, the only time “she is a psycho bitch that made my life hell” is an acceptable excuse for having an affair is if you were treating him like he treated you.

If anyone deserved to have an affair; it is YOU. 

If he was that miserably unhappy he should not have taken more money from you, made it impossible for you to get a job and be self sufficient, begged you back time after time, or told you that you were crazy to think he didn’t love you. He should have been a man and left you, for good, no hoovering, no text messages.

When my ex said, “Of course I screwed around with other women, look who I had to live with, a psycho bitch who made my life hell.”

I said, “Is that what you tell your friends? and they think that is ok? how do you explain coming to me begging me to take you back?”

He didn’t have a reply.

What we all have to face is the ugly truth; that they are bullshitters who don’t have a clue what love is, how to treat people with respect or even what is acceptable in the eyes of society. They survive by using smoke and mirrors, lying and manipulation, in other words they fuck with the person’s head.

fairytale

How do you fall in love again? very easily, but slowly. You don’t have to change, you always were fine, You don’t want to become what the narcissist wanted because that is unhealthy and just plain weird. Be the person you have always been but just make sure the person you are falling in love with is who he says he is and that takes time.

No rocket science necessary, no secret formula, no earth shaking revelations. Be yourself and take things slow. 

After all, what is the rush? If it is true love and he is who he says he is then time will only make it better. And you have the time to see if he is who he says he is. It doesn’t mean you are cynical or that the romance has to leave the relationship, in fact it gives more room for romance and learning about each other.

I think what we have to wonder about is; why are we in such a rush to live together? get married, have babies? be part of a couple?

I think we are afraid that if we take it slow we might find out things we don’t like about him and our fairytale romance balloon will burst. Yep, you are right, that might happen but isn’t that better than giving him a bunch of money,moving in together, allowing him to control your friendships and what you wear and where you go and when? Isn’t it better to wait and be in your own place when you find out he is a fraud? And if he isn’t a fraud he will appreciate taking it slow and not feeling like you are picking out the wedding dress after dating for a month.

Why do women especially feel they have to commit totally on the first date? why do they think they have to hand over money to a virtual stranger. Yes, I get it, you are a caring person and you do nice things for people you care about, I get all that and I am not asking you to become a cold hard money grubbing gold digger, I am asking you to not be a doormat, be smart, value yourself enough that you don’t feel you  have to buy a man’s affection. I tell you honestly, I wish to God I would not have moved in with him as quickly as I did and I wish I would have stood my ground the first time I said I was out of there.

The reason I moved in? We lived an hours drive away from each other and he wanted to see me all the time. I was sick of driving back and forth all the time, I was paying a mortgage on a place and I was never there so I thought I would move in with him for the summer and rent out my cottage at the lake by the week and make some money. My mom held the mortgage and sold the place out from under me because she didn’t like the idea. I got my nose out of joint and thought it would work out. When I realized a month later I had made a mistake, the cottage was gone and I thought I might as well give him a second chance because I had no where to go and no furniture. I could have rented a place and moved out but I thought, I am here now might as well stick it out. Little did I know what the next 10 years would be like.

All I ask of anyone who is trying to heal from the trauma of being with a narcissist is this, keep your feet and head grounded in reality, trust the next man is healthy enough to stick around for a year or two while you get to know each other. So many woman come in here, still in love or obsessed with their ex N and already married with children to a different man. Take time to heal.