Tag Archives: ladywithatruck

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy

It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

You, Me And The Blog Makes Three

I really hate indecision, especially in myself and especially when it comes to my professional life.  I like to be viewed as a person who knows what they are doing and follows through with promises and commitments; a big part of the reason I stuck it out with James for so long and why so many victims do stick it out so long. They are responsible people who follow through on their commitments.

This post is to do with the blog and the recent workshop I posted about offering the other day and thoughts I have had about changing things around here and I wanted input from everyone.

First I will tell you what I have been thinking; where my head is at and why.

Facts: I started this blog thinking that if one woman found it and was helped, what I went through would be worthwhile. I found a notebook from 2011 and I had written that I was so excited to have gotten 57 hits that day. I remember being at my girlfriend’s house while I waited and watched to see my hits for that day roll over 700, I think it ended up being 757 hits that day and I was thrilled!! I look back at the stats and consistently my hits have doubled every year and now it is basically a full time job.

Dilemma: I was trying to catch up on my replies to comments the other day and found some dating back to June that I had missed. I really hate doing any job 1/2 assed. Someone comes here looking for answers and I know how desperate they are feeling, been there, and they finally cry out for help and don’t get an answer for over a month? It is like any addiction, when the victim finally realizes they have a problem and they reach out for help, if that help isn’t there they are very likely to go back to their old ways. So many victims feel that they don’t matter anyway, and then to be ignored when they reach out is adding insult to injury. I know I can’t save every victim of abuse but when I put it out there that i want to help I feel a responsibility to be there. I also know that the victim will grasp any reason to go back to their abuser and being ignored on a site that is supposed to be there to help them is as good an excuse any.

The blog is at a stage where I can not do it in my spare time but in order to do it full time I have to find a way to make it pay me a living wage or at the very least use it as part of the bigger package that does earn me a living wage.

The donations have been a Godsend and gotten me through, especially the last year but I can’t rely on donations. For one thing, I always feel like a charity case, plus it is very uncertain, some months are great and some months there is nothing and I can’t live with the uncertainty of that. I need some sort of stability in my life, it is the only thing in my life that plagues me, but money is a very necessary evil, we all need it and all the inner peace in the world is not going to put groceries in my fridge. I need, for myself, for my self esteem and my peace of mind; to come up with a way of supporting myself. Also it is the same people donating time after time. I know i am providing a much needed service, the stats don’t lie; and I don’t feel bad asking to be paid for that service.

I believe that things happen for a reason and if you are hitting one brick wall after another maybe you are heading in the wrong direction. Like with trying to get funding to re-educate to be a Life Skills Coach, it is ridiculous that twice I was told I was denied and then when I questioned it I was told I was “this” close, and now with the move etc my living arrangement is too unstable to qualify. WTF! It is more frustration than it’s worth. I wrote my Ombudsman filing a complaint against the company I feel dropped the ball with my case.  I hear d back from them that they have so many complaints to deal with they won’t be dealing with my case any time soon. So I miss the September start date.

I can not tell you how many times I have been telling someone the story of what I have gone through trying to get funding and they have said, “You probably know more than anything they could teach you at school anyway, you have lived it, there is no better education than that.”  and you know what? they are right. I know it deep down because when I was looking into schools, none of them offer courses specific to domestic abuse, they offer conflict resolution, family counseling, anger management, and when I was talking to the admissions department at Rhodes I was told they were looking forward to me attending classes because of what I can contribute from my personal experience. When I went to the counselor she told me that she saw no reason for me to continue coming to see her, although she would have loved to pick my brains and hear more strictly from a professional standpoint. She also wanted to hear how I managed to heal myself and find inner peace without professional help because that is what she tries to accomplish with her clients. For them to have inner peace even when their world seems to be falling apart all around them.

How many times has someone in here said, “This needs to be taught in schools.” ? I know! right?! but no one is doing it and I don’t have a clue how to break into that market, but I truly feel it is the answer to reducing domestic abuse, get them before they are broken. Like the saying goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. It is a lot easier to prevent a tragedy than try to fix someone who has been destroyed by a narcissist/psychopath. Don’t we all wish we would have known they even existed let alone the damage they do?

Hauling scrap it was not what I set out to do but it was the only thing that presented itself and I had to make money. I was dead set AGAINST hauling scrap, James had done it, usually in the cloak of darkness, I saw it as something only criminals and losers did. But people kept approaching me and I kept turning them down and doing landscaping and rubbish removal, having to fight to get paid for working my ass off and not making enough to live on. Finally I stopped fighting it and took a job as a favor to a friend who had a friend who was getting out of the garage door business and wanted to clean up his yard but the last time he had a scrap hauler come in the guy had come back and robbed him blind so he was leary and my friend knew I could be trusted. I worked for a week at his place and made the best money I had made since owning my truck. Here I was making an honest living hauling scrap, maybe there was a place for me in the scrap metal industry? So I started looking at it as something I could make money at and decided if I was going to do it I was going to do it right, present a professional image, do up business cards, and be a real business and not a typical fly by night scrap hauler who cruises back alleys and works after hours. i never advertised, people just started stopping me and asking me to haul away their scrap, the businesses I did approach were always very positive and over time, I got more confident and proud of what I did and what I had accomplished. (I am sure it pissed James off to no end that I was succeeding and doing it honestly and part of the reason he had to sabotage me and then try to ruin my reputation).

So anyway, maybe this is the same kind of situation. I never intended to make money blogging about narcissists, psychopaths or domestic abuse but it has become a passion I can not walk away from now and I am proud of what I have accomplished so far. I believe I can do awesome at it and have a lot to offer that isn’t just a repeat of numerous other sites.

I have sent out hundreds of resumes for every kind of job I know I can do and I have had one call back.

I got cut off welfare because of my blog and the donations I received.

I can continue to spend my time trying to get back on welfare by jumping through their never ending hoops to get not enough money to live on, applying for jobs I don’t really want to do and jobs I shouldn’t do because of my heart, and continue to fight a losing battle trying to get funding to go to school or I can look at the blog in a different light and approach it as a profession, as a career and a job. So far it has been a “hobby”  ,a cause I fight for, but I have not treated it like my profession and until I do, it will remain a hobby.

On that note, this is what I am thinking and need your opinion on. Many of you have been coming here for quite a while and you know what helped you, what you value in the blog, what could be done to improve it, and I want to hear everyone’s thoughts.

I want to always have this information free for people looking for answers but I am thinking of starting a new blog, one not with WordPress, one where I can get my own ads and sponsors. I have checked out a site called Wix, where you pay to add on features to your blog, one feature I love is a live chat room, also you can have a store, do surveys, have subscriptions, mailing lists for newsletters, the chat feature is a lot more interactive with commenters being able to post pictures and stuff and would enable me to do live chats at specified times each days. I don’t know how much it would cost me per month and I would have to get another domain name. I could do it several ways, I can link to it through this blog but make it a freestanding blog with a different name (to be honest, ladywithatruck is not really relevant any more, I don’t have a truck, it has nothing to do with abuse or narcissists or anything really, it is part of my past and I kinda would like to leave it in my past) but I have been hesitant because I have so many followers and hits but I could keep it as my free site.

The new site would become my main focus, although I would still be replying to comments on Lady witha truck I would not be posting as much there, I have said it all a million times and would just post maybe once a week or every two weeks. The new site would be focussed more on the healing after a narcissist and not so much on the narcissist, more focussed on the victim becoming a survivor and not a victim, moving forward, personal growth, not finding their old self, but finding their best self, because that is where my interests lie now and I am enjoying the new me I am discovering and want to share that with people now and I feel it is the reward for the pain of being with a narcissist. I want everyone to be their most authentic self and comfortable with themselves and value who they are. It excites me to no end and is so much more positive than talking about the narcissist. We all have to go through stages of healing there comes a point where the victim has to leave the narcissist behind. As I am typing it is all kinda making sense to me and is a natural progression, like Ladywithatruck is where a victim goes to figure out what happened to them, to start to make sense of what they have experienced and then they have to prepare to go on with their life and that is where “No Reim’er Reason” comes in, finding your purpose, and find your true self and be the best you can be. I will be concentrating on things like inner peace, laws of attraction, etc as I explore new ways of becoming the best me I can be. Membership to the new blog would be like membership on a dating site (after all you are falling in love with yourself and hopefully readying yourself to start dating again or fix your picker).

I would offer a one month subscription,  3 month, 6 months and 1 year. I looked up what dating sites charge:

E-Harmony charges $59.95/month, or a 3 month membership works out to $39.95/month, 6 months $29.95/month and a year is $19.95/month

Match.com charges $34.99/month, or $19.95/month for a 3 month membership and $16.99/month when you join for 6 months.

Zoosk starts at $29.95/month, $19.95 for a 3 month membership and $9.95/month when you sign up for a year.

So even the cheapest site is charging $120.00/year to join. As with dating sites people are hoping to not need a year or lifetime membership. It would require me keeping track of whose membership is expired but I think I can come up with a fairly simple solution to that. I would always have some sort of special topic I am covering, reviewing books or hopefully interviewing experts on dating etc. So in lieu of a workshop I would just open a new “pay to join” website. The information I was going to put in the workshop would be exactly the same but offered through a new website. What do you think?

The website would not be my only source of income but if it isn’t through WordPress I have a lot more freedom to source advertising on my own and I would run it like a business and not a hobby. I would have to put in a some serious time into cleaning up this blog, delete posts that really aren’t relevant and earlier posts that aren’t helpful to anyone and categorize the posts so they are easier to find. When I started the blog I had no idea how to blog so I didn’t set it up in the best way for people who are looking for something specific. It is quite a mess if I am honest about it. It’s like the way some people keep their house. On the surface it looks clean but don’t look in the cupboards, under the bed or in the fridge!!

Then I will have to dedicate some serious time to promoting myself as a speaker on the topic of domestic abuse, speaking at schools to teens or even speaking at schools as part of their educational program, i know government offices could use someone like me talking to them so they are educated in PTSD and the long term effects of abuse on a person. I KNOW my skills are needed, I just have to find the right market for them and have the self confidence to pursue it and not give up. But I would much prefer putting my efforts into becoming my own boss doing something I love than jumping through government hoops to be made to feel like a charity case and plague on society.

I have been working on my book which I have decided is not going to be my story about my life with James but is actual questions asked on the blog and on Quora (where I am a member and answer questions on domestic abuse, narcissists and psychopaths) and the answers I have given, plus applicable posts that pertain to that question. I have chosen a name for the book and am thinking I would name the blog the same. It is, “No Reim’er Reason”, I have to admit I stole it from my brother because that is what he named the boat I am living on. I think it is brilliant though and so fitting for victims of a narcissist, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to what has happened to them.  I don’t have the money to use a publisher but I was reading on Amazon that you can self publish and that is the way I am going to have to go. If anyone has any info or tips on how to do that I would appreciate any input you can give me. 

WORKSHOP – 10 Weeks to Inner Peace and Setting Boundaries


My main issues while with James and part of the reason I stayed as long as I did and the biggest things I had to deal with after I left were the inner turmoil, guilt, self doubt and not knowing how to set healthy boundaries.  Healthy boundaries can not be formed nor defended if a person is filled with self doubt and guilt.

storms inner peace

I did a lot of work trying to find inner peace and now that I have it I want to share it. I am not saying I always have inner peace about everything automatically, but I know how to attain it when those voices start telling me I am wrong or not worthy.

**That is why I am offering the 10 Weeks to Inner Peace Workshop**

A workshop taking you through the exact same steps I took in order to have inner peace no matter what is happening in my life or how people treat me. What took me almost 4 years to figure out I will pass along to you in 10 weeks.

The workshop will start August 24th 2015 and run for 10 weeks full weeks until the end of October, just in time for the holidays and the time of year we need inner peace and an ability to set boundaries.  The workshop will consist of an email per week taking you through one more step of the process,  one personal email per week if you need to discuss personal issues and a separate website/forum where you can discuss the workshop with other “classmates” and where I will be available “live” for 2 hours a day (an hour in the morning and an hour at night in order to hopefully cover the various time differences) to answer your questions. The forum will be available 24/7 but I will only be live for 2 hours guaranteed, I might be there more.

If you are like me you have read other self help books or watched webinars and sure they were great while you were reading or watching and for a week or two afterwards but in a short time I was back to my old ways again. We are creatures of habit and you can’t change a life long habit in 10 weeks so the workshop may end after 10 weeks but the support and the forum will be available for a full 42 weeks after, giving you a full year of support and advice while you change beliefs about yourself that you have held a lifetime.

This is my first workshop so it will be pretty bare bones, without fancy graphics, one time offers, or free gifts; just good solid advice that has worked for me and I am sure will work for you in language you can understand with support to keep you on track.


The cost of this workshop?

$300 total, which works out to $30/week and the support for the rest of the year is free.  or

about $5 a week (the cost of a coffee) for a year.

For those who can pay the full amount ahead there is a 15% discount of $45,

bringing the total down to $255.00

I know that is a lot of money for some people to come up with all at one time so people can pay $30/week for the 10 weeks of the workshop and get the rest of the year support for free.

The $30 must be paid in advance.

Payment can be made through the Donation button in the sidebar and

just put Inner Peace Workshop in the section for comments.

Once your money is received an introductory email will be sent to you as confirmation; it will include, the password to the support forum, the times I will be available live on the forum and when to expect your first email.

I hope you join me! I am excited about it and think we will not only grow and learn together, we’ll have fun too!

Any questions please put them down in the comment section.