Tag Archives: Leaving a Narcissist

That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins

At first you don’t know what it is exactly that makes you uncomfortable. My ex wore glasses, tinted usually; so you couldn’t really see his eyes and I thought he was extremely handsome as long as he kept his glasses on. But when he had his glasses off I avoided looking at his eyes, they made me feel very uncomfortable, I was repelled by them. There was nothing warm and loving about them, they scared me. Thankfully, or maybe unfortunately, he didn’t go without his glasses often. He had a picture of himself from a few years before I met him, it was like looking at the devil himself; and it could freeze you in your tracks or make you recoil.

I only saw it maybe a dozen times at the most in 10 years and it was something I preferred to forget or pretend never happened. It would be easy to pretend I didn’t see what I saw because he could recover from it like nothing ever happened while I would still be trying to absorb what just happened. A person doesn’t want to believe evil exists so when he would come back like nothing ever happened it was a lot easier to pretend nothing happened than to try and figure out exactly what I was dealing with.

cartoon-evilevil

We have an idea of what “evil” looks like from movies, books, even fairy tales; we sure don’t expect evil to look exactly like the person we love with all our hearts. If we tell people about our experiences, the minute we mention that he has a “smirk” and there is something about his eyes that scares us; they shut down and start acting like we are crazy, change the subject or walk away. Everyone continues to remain their friend and we doubt what we saw. After all it is so ambiguous, it’s a “feeling” and a fleeting feeling at that.

During our 10 year relationship there were times I feared for my life and it was at those times I left him. It seemed he could only be normal for so long before things would start to unravel for him, he would slowly start acting more insane, become more violent and out of control. The minute we split up he would be the sweet, kind, soft hearted man I met, crying and professing his love for me and swearing I had misunderstood his intentions, was paranoid or he was only responding to my craziness.

Near the end he started acting really crazy and his sister was living with us so I had a witness, which made it easier to believe and harder to ignore.  Like one night I woke up at 3am and he was nowhere to be found so I went out to the barn to look for him and he was came towards me out of the shadows with something in each hand; a couple of dead chickens. I was speechless and just went back in the house. The next day I went looking around the farm and there was a pile of dead chickens near the barn. To this day I don’t know what that was about. Then another time I went out to look for him in the barn I called out for him and didn’t hear a sound, the lights were all out so I went to the far end to flip the light switch and that is when I saw the red ember of his cigarette across the barn. I flipped the light switch and he was standing there, leaning against the wall smoking. Totally freaked me out.

His abuse got more blatant, not caring if he attacked me in front of his sister; he was pissed at her because she hadn’t taken his word over mine. I have given up trying to figure out what he plans were because the thought patterns of a psychopath, what they determine to be right or wrong or justified, will never compute to a normal person. I know he felt he was justified in doing whatever it took for him to get my truck. I know that whether I died or not made no difference to him as long as he was not suspected in my death.

When you are in the middle of it, the gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation, you are not thinking clearly; it is impossible! You think you are, you are caught up in the game of clue, figuring out what he is up to, catching him. You think you have one up on him when you catch him and prove you were right all along, he was lying. I see women go years , literally years, I did; caught up in the need to be right. The thing is, every time you prove you are right and he is doing what you suspected him of, he always denies it and makes you feel guilty, so you stay……… until you have proof.

You must, keep your head in reality, not succumb to the challenge of “fixing” him, proving you are right, being better than all the other women, and face the truth;

  • No, he does not love you, he is incapable of love

But how can you be sure he is a narcissist and it isn’t you?

Look around you, do you know of any other woman who tolerates this treatment from the man who is supposed to love her?

A normal loving relationship does not involve walking on eggshells, lying, belittling, a feeling of impending doom, being tortured emotionally by your partner, ever! a normal loving relationship is never an emotional roller coaster.

A person who loves you takes no pleasure in your pain and would never smirk when they realize they hurt you.

Those reptilian eyes that make you recoil and your gut twist in knots, are telling you all you need to know, this person is not normal or safe.

 

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I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

I Give This Post From Chump Lady A Standing Ovation

I remember years ago lamenting in a post on here, “Why does he keep hurting me??!!!”

And someone said something that stung like the truth usually does when you are feeling sorry for yourself, “Because you keep letting him.”

On that note here is something from Chump Lady well worth sharing!!

I felt like standing, pumping my fist in the air and shouting “Yes!! Bravo!!”

Just For Shits And Giggles

I have not been around much and I have missed you all!! No internet where I am at and I have to drive up the road to hook up to the campground WiFi. I have popped in occasionally but never get past reading a few comments.

I have to do an update post on what is going on, time has flown by and before I realized it a month has passed and it is almost time for me to move again!!

I wanted to do a short post though for the new people who have found the blog. I see a lot of people asking the age old questions; “Why does he hurt me?” “Doesn’t he care he is hurting me?” “Why does he keep coming back?”

The answer to all three is, “Just for shits and giggles.” it is what narcissists do for fun and to feel superior. They get off on your pain! they like it! they do it because it shows them that they are powerful enough to bring you to your knees with pain and make you crazy with their gas lighting, cheating and lying.

It is a game to them, they do not have a conscience, they do not care about hurting people other than the shot of ns they get from it. They think it is funny! Everyone thinks a narcissist needs someone to idolize them, that if they love the narcissist well enough they will be able to keep him satisfied, but that is not the reality of their world. Sure when he is love bombing a new victim he gets off on the fact that he is playing a role and sucking her in, he gets strokes from that but what he is more excited about is, he knows he is going to abuse her down the road and the anticipation of THAT is so exciting he could piddle like an excited puppy.

A narcissist hates being nice, he is not a “giver” he is a taker; he only gives for as long as he has to in order to hook the victim and then every once in a while to keep her hooked. There is no “good side” to a narcissist, he is toxic to the core, any emotion or caring you think you witness is an act.

You will never get him to admit he has a problem and PLEASE! the absolute worst thing you can do is tell him you think he is a narcissist!! He will use it against you and next thing you know he is accusing you of being a narcissist and telling everyone you know that you are a narcissist. He will not care that you think he is a narcissist, it will not make him go, “Oh my God, how horrible!! she thinks I am a narcissist.” and start soul searching, feeling guilty or try to change.

As hard as it is, you must face reality, I am giving you the information would have had years ago.

There is nothing you can do that will change the relationship or him

There is nothing you could have done differently, all women are interchangeable to a N.

He does not have the capability to feel love, compassion or guilt.

He gets off on your pain. Attention is attention for him. He doesn’t care if it is attention from love, fear, hatred, anger, or happiness; as long as he is getting attention and the longer you are with him the more pain he has to cause you in order to get a high from it. Whereas in the beginning you might have been hurt if he had a personal ad, after awhile that gets old for him so he has to ramp it up and go on a date, then he has to let you find him in bed with her, then he will leave you for her and then come back to you and leave you again. He will make you accept things you would never have accepted before, he will ignore every single boundary you have and push you to your absolute limits and beyond. It only ever gets worse because like a drug addict he has built up a tolerance to your pain and so have you. He HAS to inflict more and more to get his fix.

And the whole time he is feeding off of your emotions you are losing more and more of yourself, your self esteem, your confidence, your money, your support system and you are investing precious years you will never get back. Years you could have been loving the people who deserve your love and attention, people like your children, friends and family. You are wasting your health, because all this stress takes an enormous toll on your body.

Please, I beg you all to educate yourselves, read the posts here, it will give you something to do while you are trying to not pick up the phone and call him.

But there are posts on that too!

You are dancing with the devil!

You have been emotionally abused and you are not thinking clearly, you can retrain your brain, you can find the sun light again, that black cloud that hangs over you will go away when you cut the narcissist out of your life completely. You are addicted and you have to go cold turkey, the only closure you will get is to know he is a narcissist and you are lucky to have gotten away. Change your number, block him on all social media, do not take his calls don’t read his emails. Stop the abuse and take your life back.

I wish I could hold the hand of every single person who comes in here looking for answers. When I first started the blog I could invest the time into guiding people through it and I spent many hours encouraging and reinforcing. I simply can not do that any more, there are so many people coming here now, 2222 followers!! wow!! I remember when I was excited to have a person visit the blog one time and then I had a follower!! Almost 2 million hits!

Don’t just read the posts either, read the comments also; there is so much valuable information in the comments, people who have shared their story in hopes of helping someone else. Take advantage of the wealth of experience you have at your finger tips.

And then, once you truly know what you are dealing with you can truly get on with putting your life back together, learning who you are, knowing your worth, and loving yourself.

Wishing everyone sunshine and eternal internal peace!

Love to you all

Carrie

 

Answer To The One Question That Plagues Every Victim Of A Narcissist

dysfunctonal

With Valentine’s Day tomorrow I am sure there are more than a couple people here second guessing their relationship with the narcissist, or whether the N was a narcissist at all. If they are stalking the N’s social media and talking to friends or still communicating with the narc; they no doubt are being fed info designed to make them doubt themselves and the dynamics of the whole relationship.

If they are managing to truly stay no contact; then they are imagining all the wonderful things the narcissist is doing for the new woman. AND if you aren’t doing these things, you are a better person than I was for the first couple of years. I had a constant dialogue going on in my head. I would allow my inner demons convince me that “if only” I had done this or that I would be the one in his arms right now; then the realistic, rational me would argue with my critical self and eventually the rational me would win over, but it was a lengthy and tiring battle for several years.

just the way I am

One of the main reasons victims of a narcissist stick around as long as they do is because they are living on the hope that the narcissist will return to the man they fell in love with. They have invested so much time and effort into the relationship; years of explaining why they get angry, how important honesty is in a relationship, why it hurts when he has personal ads and they are afraid the minute they dump his sorry ass he will “get it” and some other woman will benefit from all their hard work.

When the relationship finally ends, he immediately finds the “love of his life”, she is perfect and the victim is the one who made his life hell. More than likely friends were lost because he slandered the victim.

If you were smart, you went no contact, stopped checking his FaceBook and dumped any friends who remained friends with both of you (because, let’s be frank here; he was abusive and treated you like crap on the sole of his shoe; (the only soul he has) If they can remain friends with him, they are not friends of yours.)so you have no idea if he is still ecstatically happy or not. You would love to know that she got the same treatment as you and he hadn’t changed at all.

bat shit crazy

Well, I am here to tell you, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, toxic behavior such as what the narcissist displayed does not just come and go depending on who the person is involved with. A healthy person does not turn into an asshole because of the person they are involved with.

I can hear you all saying that you weren’t perfect and you did things you are not proud of while you were with him.  I hear ya! I did things I had never done before, I had total melt downs, became a screaming crazy woman at times, I was suspicious of everything and had never been a jealous person. Once when I found another personal ad I keyed his truck in a fit or rage. At times I felt I had lost my ability to think rationally or deal with emotions in a healthy way. Nothing will make a person lose their ability to remain calm and rational faster than knowing you have caught him red handed yet totally deny it or worse, blame you. Or when you have spent days planning what you are going to say, choosing your words with utmost care, cautiously picking a  time when he won’t be tired, rehearsing what you will say, making sure to control your tone of voice so as not to be accused of “screaming” or raising your voice; only to have him totally twist your words, change the subject to something you did wrong 5 years ago, simply ignore you or end up storming out and you end up apologizing once again.

just denyword salad

Come on; who wouldn’t eventually crack and act crazy.

If you are honest with yourself, what you thought was the most healthy connection you have ever had in your life; the person who you felt knew you better than anyone else on earth and STILL loved you unconditionally, turned into the most bizarre experience of your life, you entered the twilight zone, you were put on a roller coast ride through the house of horrors and you didn’t have a clue how you got there and certainly didn’t have a clue how to get off the ride.

I am happy to inform you that in the past week I have had 3 separate confirmations that they do not change.

  1. Some of you will remember when I started to date the mechanic at work (lets call him Chuck) and he turned out to be a narcissist. It was not crushing for me because I know what to look for and had suspected it almost from the beginning. In fact it was reassuring to know my gut had been right and when the time came I was able to walk away without a backwards glance. That is not to say I didn’t have my moments of self doubt, it is only human; and by the way; what separates us from the narcissists in the world.

    Anyway……… I was on Facebook recently and noticed on a friend’s FB that a woman was slagging Chuck. She was obviously hurting so I went to her FaceBook and discovered they had been living together for over a year and he had brought a woman home to her house and had been staying out all night, you know; all the typical stuff. I decided to PM her through FB and suggested she might be interested in reading my blog. She messaged back and asked me about him and I simply told her that I had dated him briefly and knew for a fact that he screws around on every woman he has ever been with.

    She came back to me a few days later and said she had asked him about me and he had told her that I had chased him, that he had not been the least bit interested and turned me down flat and I had been a vindictive bitch because he rejected me. I felt a fleeting urge to defend myself and make her believe me. But then I thought to myself, I really do not want to get into the middle of a “he said, she said drama”;  it really does not matter to me. I told her that I didn’t care if she believed me or not, that I had contacted her in order to let her know she wasn’t alone and I really didn’t want to get involved in their relationship. If she needed to know what she was dealing with she could read my website. I was sure she would be shocked at how similar her relationship was to every other victim of a narcissist. I have a sneaky suspicion that she went back to him. I also suspect she will be visiting my blog.

     I recently changed my phone number and sent the number to my contact list and I heard from an old girlfriend who has been staying with a friend for 5 days because her abusive boy friend almost killed her (again) and the neighbors called the police. I was supportive but secretly fear she will go back again and stand by him when he goes to court. I fear she is in so deep she won’t ever get out. I listen to her and hear myself 6 years ago and wonder how I ever got in that deep because I will be honest I recently checked out his FaceBook after years of no contact and I can not for the life of me figure out why I thought he was so sexy or why I thought I couldn’t live without him.

  2. About a week ago I got a Messenger pm from a girl who dated a good friend (Ben), of James and I. I had stopped talking to Ben because he tried to remain friends with James and I. I tried my best to be mature and ok with it but it hurt to hear about James and how happy he was with Marisa and how nice Marisa was.
    Why do friends think the victim wants to hear that shit? Ben and I met for dinner one day and he started to “verify” facts he had heard from James. I was not going to defend myself to James’s lies and I felt a true friend should know me well enough to not even question me. That was the last time we talked.

    One of the first things this girl asked me was, “Where are you living now?”
    Bells and whistles started going off in my head. 

    A day and 1/2 went by before I messaged her back, “It is great to hear from you but I unfortunately I found out the hard way not to give out personal information to anyone from my past who knows James.” She apologized and said she hadn’t seen James in ages. We exchanged a couple of messages over 2 days and I haven’t heard anything more. She did say that the last time she talked to Ben he had told her that James was “really messed up and lost”.

    I was so tempted to ask what “messed up and lost” meant, but I didn’t want to know THAT badly.

    Why didn’t I want to know all the sordid details? because, believe it or not; I don’t care.

    Five years out of the relationship I will gladly spend Valentine’s Day sleeping in my car, in Tim Horton’s parking lot and not have one moment of self doubt or fantasizing about how good it could have been “if only”.

    I finally “get it” and you will too one day. One day, maybe one year, maybe 3 or 5 years from now you will know in all certainty that you were in bed with a very sick and twisted man and he will never be any different.

 So I just want to say happy vdIt’s just one day and a commercialized one at that. And if your narc was anything like James

you were disappointed or had given up on him doing anything special for you especially if it was expected or wanted.

I remember when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, Valentine’s Day was spend anxiously waiting to see how many guys bought me flowers. All the girls in the office watched the door for the florist delivery person and then waited with bated breath to see who they were for. Our “worth” growing with each bouquet. How silly.

I Keep Praying For God To Give Me A Sign

god removes people

“I keep praying for God to give me a sign”, was a comment made by a woman on my Face Book. I was immediately transported 15 years back in time; ………I am in my garden, about a year into my relationship with James, with tears streaming down my cheeks, a glass of wine in one hand and my garden rake in the other, face to the sky, pleading for God to please give me a some sort of sign telling me what I should do. I don’t know what kind of sign I was expecting, writing in the sky? a bolt of lightening? a booming voice saying, “Run you fool run!!” God can only do so much and I wanted some sort of undeniable concrete evidence that I should leave or stay.

For 9 years I prayed for God to give me a sign. Looking back I can imagine God slapping his forehead in frustration wishing he could slap ME upside the head with a 2×4. As I was sounding like a broken record, crying, begging for a sign telling me what I should do; I can imagine God wanting to scream, “What more do you want?? You don’t want the truth so stop asking for it!”

It isn’t that God didn’t give me signs, tons of them, time after time after time………

  •  I had never snooped on a partner in my life but out of the blue I was hit by some force to check James’ barrack box. When I opened the box there was a notebook right on top. I opened the notebook at a random page that described how he had hit the young girl he had always told me left him for no reason. His words jumped out at me, “Just like all the rest, she wouldn’t shut up; so I hit her.” He went on to describe how when they got home he took the phone in the bedroom and called her family and friends and complained about her. How he was cold and uncaring and went to sleep leaving her crying, pregnant and alone. He left to do a run the next morning and called her 1/2 way through the next day to say, “I love you” and she had replied, “You woke me up to say that?” and hung up. She never answered the phone again and when he got home the apartment was empty and she was gone. Did I take it as a sign that I should also pack my bags and run? Oh no, I took it to mean I should prove to him I wasn’t going to leave him. I knew how much he loved me, how much her leaving had hurt him; after all he had told me, no woman had ever loved him like I did. He had thought he had loved before but I had shown him what true love was all about.
  • Or when time after time some bizarre “co-incidence” would reveal another one of his lies.
  • Or when, while looking for scrap paper I found proof he had forged my signature and altered my police statement.
  • Or when I accidentally ran into the guy who was on the way to the bank to get the money to buy a truck from James, MY truck.
  • Or how every time we split I did SO much better financially and everything I needed was miraculously given to me.

I could go on and on, after all it was 10 years of gas lighting, living with Jekyll and Hyde, “I love you today”, “I keep telling you my love is cycleable”, “I can’t live with your warped view of reality” “I can’t live with your dysfunctional way of thinking”, “Of course I am looking for other women, look what I live with.” “I wouldn’t look elsewhere if you trusted me”. How many times did he tell me it was over? how many times did I leave just to have him beg me back, making promises he never kept? How many personal ads did I find without even having to look for them? How many jobs did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many friends did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many times did we move to another town to get a “fresh start”?

Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother

How many signs did I need? I ignored the obvious signs that I was with one majorly fucked up psychopath and chose to interpret obscure “signs” to mean I should stay.

  • Like, every time we had a big fight he injured himself.
  • Or how every time we had a major fight or split up my truck broke down and I had to call James to rescue me.

And I interpreted it to mean God was showing us that we needed each other and should stay together.

  • I had 3 vehicles stolen in as many years and I found spare transfer and tax forms he had forged my signature on.
  • My brake line broke 3 times in 5 years, plus numerous other suspicious mechanical failures.

I totally pushed the thought out of my mind that he was responsible for it all, which would have proven without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was fricken nuts and dangerous!!

We all have free will and we all can choose to interpret answers to our prayers any way we want. When God answers prayers, he does not always give us the answer we want to hear. And if we are honest with ourselves, we don’t need God to give us answers; all we need to do is face the truth that keeps slapping us across the face.

Leaving The Narcissist After 19 Years – With No Where To Go

The blog received this comment the other day and I am going to reply through this post because I think there are many victims in this same position and it is hard to know what to do and it is a very real danger for many women. I often wonder when I hear of another woman murdered by her abusive partner; if she knew she was in danger and would die one day but just didn’t know how to leave or was too tired to save herself.

I know that in my case, I was sure I was going to die, I just didn’t know when or how he would do it and if he didn’t do it soon I would end up killing myself because I just could not live that way any more. It was James’s sister telling me she was afraid to be in my company because she was afraid she would die just because she was with me when he did it. I didn’t know how I was going to leave or where I would go but I knew it was crazy to stay with someone I thought capable of killing me.

This is the comment made by Angela;

“I have been married to one for 19 years and just really understood what I am dealing with. The abuse is getting more frequent. He never apologizes for the verbal abuse. He has even started saying I am abusing him. I would have already left, as I think homelessness would be better than hell. However, I have 3 children. My oldest is a scapegoat for the N, and my other 2 he seems to favor. I have tried to leave before when he said I could with the kids, then he changed his mind and used them to make me stay. My fear is a custody battle that he will lie about me. If we even got joint custody, he would still have his hooks in me and the children. If I leave the children then they will be stuck with this hell. What can I do? Should I put up with it until my youngest is old enough to understand (only4 now).
He is capable of murder. He has threatend me before. I feel I have made a total mess of my life. No matter what I do it will be bad. My children will suffer no matter what. I am so angry he has done this too me, but I am more upset I allowed it to happen and I was so blind.”

Angela, I am so glad you have reached out for help, that is a big step, just to verbalize the abuse and admit it to yourself and others. When you are in it the narcissist is so good at twisting the facts, twisting your words, and making you feel crazy; you start to doubt your own sanity and reality. They are so good at playing the good guy in front of others you fear that no one will believe you if you do tell anyone else. It gets so overwhelming that it is easier to do nothing than try to save yourself. For me I started to pray he would just kill me so I would be out of the hell I was living, I could stop wondering when and how he would do it. I did a lot of things wrong and if I had to do it again I would be a lot smarter about it.

The last line of your comment broke my heart, I feel I have made a total mess of my life. No matter what I do it will be bad. My children will suffer no matter what. I am so angry he has done this too me, but I am more upset I allowed it to happen and I was so blind.”

Listen to me, you are far from the first woman to get sucked in by a narcissist/psychopath; women from all walks of life, from doctors, lawyers, counselors, strong independent confident women who thought they had met their soul mate. These people are evil beyond anything a normal person can imagine and they are cunning and usually highly intelligent. Nine times out of 10 the victim doesn’t even know they exist and has been abused and lost control of their lives before they realize something is seriously wrong. They keep thinking that the wonderful man they met will reappear, fear he is ill or something because the switch seems so sudden and out of character. The narcissist seems to know exactly how far he can push and just when the victim has had enough he will put on the charm again, confusing the victim. The relationship is a constant “Pull you close to push you away.”

You are a victim, you did not know what you were getting into, 19 years ago no one talked about narcissists, even domestic abuse was misunderstood (it still is); people thought a woman had to have bruises in order to be abused. Verbal abuse does more damage than physical abuse a lot of the time. I used to wish James would just hit me and get it over with because the tension would become unbearable as he grew angrier and angrier. Once he hit me it would be better for awhile. They spew their venom all over you and they feel so much better and act like they can’t understand why you are so upset.

It is a roller coaster ride in hell that never ends and only weakens the victim, makes them lose their self confidence, they twist themselves into a pretzel trying to be  what the narcissist wants but nothing is ever good enough. Without knowing what is happening the victim gives up their boundaries, moral values, independence and eventually their very soul to the narcissist; he sucks his victim dry and then he discards them with disgust.

Your life is not hopeless, you have not screwed up your whole life and you CAN turn things around and find happiness and give your children the loving home they need and deserve. It won’t be easy, it won’t happen overnight but it is possible and so well worth the effort. They have  sick father who will never change, they deserve a healthy happy mom and as long as you are with your husband you can not be healthy or the mother I am sure you want to be for your kids. Your children need to know that this is not how relationships are supposed to be, if you have girls do you want them to think this is the way a man treats a woman? or do you want your boys to grow up treating women this way? It doesn’t matter how many times you say it is wrong, if you stay you are saying it is ok. I don’t see that you have a choice to make. Stay and be miserable or figure out how to leave and be happy.

This is my educated advice to you from what I have learned

First and most important– download the Safety Plan at the top of the blog. There are many simple to do safety precautions you can take to stay safe. 70% of domestic homicides happen either just before or within 2 years after the victim leaves, so leaving is never as simple as when people say “Why doesn’t she just leave?”

The safety plan will tell you simple steps you can take to stay safe while you prepare to leave and then after you leave. Things like teaching the children where to go if he is hurting you, how to call for help, what to put in an emergency bag that you leave with a trusted friend or family member. Telling the neighbors to call 911 if they think you are in danger (because so many people don’t want to interfere but if you tell them to call if they hear screams for help or whatever they are more likely). There is too much to list it all here, if you can’t download it then at least read it, please.

  • NOTE – The narcissists main motive is control, have no doubt that he is checking the history on the computer, snooping through your purse, especially if he thinks you are acting suspicious. He is always lying and just assumes everyone else is also. You must erase your history and cookies on the computer and your phone.

You need to find your local woman’s shelter and talk to someone about what resources are available in your area. (In the town I am in now they have a group of volunteers who will provide a safe place in their home for the woman and children leaving abuse.)

It is VERY important you do NOT tell him you are leaving, telling you it is ok for you to leave and then changing his mind is a very common tactic of the narcissist. He is using the threat of breaking up to control you, you are supposed to be so devastated at the thought of losing him that you will do anything to keep him.  You have to be very covert, plan it carefully if you can and then leave quickly. You need to have all your ducks in a row if possible.

Expect the worse and hope for the best. Be prepared! Him fighting you for custody is a very realistic fear, no matter how agreeable he may be at times never expect he will be fair and reasonable. If he knows you are leaving he may try to “remain friends” “want to help you”, don’t believe him. It is very common for a narcissist to “see the light” after the victim leaves, he will apologize for everything wrong he ever did, promise to get help, cry real tears, beg like he never has; do not believe it, I he can convince you to stay or come back the abuse will be worse and you will be in greater danger than you already are.

Once you do leave you must stay as no contact as possible. Keep any communication strictly about the children, get a custody agreement written up immediately, never meet with him alone or let him in your house or go in his. Often times that is when the psychopath (that is quite possibly what he is because all psychopaths are narcissistic, it is all but impossible to know if a narcissist is a psychopath until it is too late, will murder his victim. The thing they hate the most is losing control of their victim and they will resort to murder, the ultimate control, and he does not want to look bad to the people who know him, he doesn’t want to have to share property, custody, or have to pay out any money. In his mind it would be much easier to just kill you, if he can get away with it. So make it very hard for him to get away with it.

Another VERY important thing to do is to keep a journal and hide it where he won’t find it. Write down every time he is cruel to you or the children, or the one son you say he picks on. If he send you a nasty text or writes something threatening make sure you keep it somewhere he can’t find it.

Try to slip a little bit of money aside whenever you can and build as much of an “escape fund” as you can without him getting suspicious. Again make sure he doesn’t know you have it because he will find a way of wrangling it out of you.

While getting ready to leave you have to get a support network together, I know he has probably isolated you or you are ashamed to admit you need help but now is not the time for false pride. You need help, people to help you move quickly, who will hide you or help you find a place to live. Family, friends, a shelter, a church. as long as you trust them and they are not trying to be neutral. Anyone who is friends with both of you can not be trusted to not tell him stuff. Read as much about them as possible so you know exactly what you are dealing with, Do not tell him that he is a narcissist, he doesn’t care and more than likely if he hasn’t already thought of it, he will start calling you a narcissist.

Know that he will slander you, he will tell everyone who will listen that you did to him what he did to you and he will play the victim, there is no point in trying to defend yourself. You are better off to lead an exemplary life, let him say whatever he wants, you know the truth and so will the people who love you. You just keep being true to yourself, his true colors will show through eventually. We are here for you as moral support and ears to listen.

Nineteen years is a long time yes, but 20 years is longer, there are women who were with a N for 30 or more years. It is never too late to leave and find happiness and to become the mom your kids will respect and admire. Yes, you made a mistake, we all did, that is human, don’t beat yourself up over it. Now you know the truth and you have found out you are not alone, stupid or to blame and now you can do something to better your life. But please plan your escape carefully and never under estimate how evil your husband is or what he is capable of. Just be prepared for anything.

Big hugs and prayers going out to you and your kids.

Carrie

  • To anyone who is thinking it is too late to leave, you have too much time invested, it is hopeless, you are not strong enough, aren’t worth it, or you think you can’t make it in the world without him. It is all lies he has told you and you tell yourself. There is always a way, God (or whatever higher power you believe in) does provide. Believe, that once you break away from his control and mind games you will see things more clearly and will feel 10 times stronger just from being away from his toxicity. You can not think clearly because he keeps you confused and always recovering from some drama or trauma. I look back now and can see how dysfunctional the relationship was but at the time, he had me so confused and always on the defensive, I didn’t know which way was up.