Tag Archives: Leaving a Narcissist

That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins

At first you don’t know what it is exactly that makes you uncomfortable. My ex wore glasses, tinted usually; so you couldn’t really see his eyes and I thought he was extremely handsome as long as he kept his glasses on. But when he had his glasses off I avoided looking at his eyes, they made me feel very uncomfortable, I was repelled by them. There was nothing warm and loving about them, they scared me. Thankfully, or maybe unfortunately, he didn’t go without his glasses often. He had a picture of himself from a few years before I met him, it was like looking at the devil himself; and it could freeze you in your tracks or make you recoil.

I only saw it maybe a dozen times at the most in 10 years and it was something I preferred to forget or pretend never happened. It would be easy to pretend I didn’t see what I saw because he could recover from it like nothing ever happened while I would still be trying to absorb what just happened. A person doesn’t want to believe evil exists so when he would come back like nothing ever happened it was a lot easier to pretend nothing happened than to try and figure out exactly what I was dealing with.

cartoon-evilevil

We have an idea of what “evil” looks like from movies, books, even fairy tales; we sure don’t expect evil to look exactly like the person we love with all our hearts. If we tell people about our experiences, the minute we mention that he has a “smirk” and there is something about his eyes that scares us; they shut down and start acting like we are crazy, change the subject or walk away. Everyone continues to remain their friend and we doubt what we saw. After all it is so ambiguous, it’s a “feeling” and a fleeting feeling at that.

During our 10 year relationship there were times I feared for my life and it was at those times I left him. It seemed he could only be normal for so long before things would start to unravel for him, he would slowly start acting more insane, become more violent and out of control. The minute we split up he would be the sweet, kind, soft hearted man I met, crying and professing his love for me and swearing I had misunderstood his intentions, was paranoid or he was only responding to my craziness.

Near the end he started acting really crazy and his sister was living with us so I had a witness, which made it easier to believe and harder to ignore.  Like one night I woke up at 3am and he was nowhere to be found so I went out to the barn to look for him and he was came towards me out of the shadows with something in each hand; a couple of dead chickens. I was speechless and just went back in the house. The next day I went looking around the farm and there was a pile of dead chickens near the barn. To this day I don’t know what that was about. Then another time I went out to look for him in the barn I called out for him and didn’t hear a sound, the lights were all out so I went to the far end to flip the light switch and that is when I saw the red ember of his cigarette across the barn. I flipped the light switch and he was standing there, leaning against the wall smoking. Totally freaked me out.

His abuse got more blatant, not caring if he attacked me in front of his sister; he was pissed at her because she hadn’t taken his word over mine. I have given up trying to figure out what he plans were because the thought patterns of a psychopath, what they determine to be right or wrong or justified, will never compute to a normal person. I know he felt he was justified in doing whatever it took for him to get my truck. I know that whether I died or not made no difference to him as long as he was not suspected in my death.

When you are in the middle of it, the gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation, you are not thinking clearly; it is impossible! You think you are, you are caught up in the game of clue, figuring out what he is up to, catching him. You think you have one up on him when you catch him and prove you were right all along, he was lying. I see women go years , literally years, I did; caught up in the need to be right. The thing is, every time you prove you are right and he is doing what you suspected him of, he always denies it and makes you feel guilty, so you stay……… until you have proof.

You must, keep your head in reality, not succumb to the challenge of “fixing” him, proving you are right, being better than all the other women, and face the truth;

  • No, he does not love you, he is incapable of love

But how can you be sure he is a narcissist and it isn’t you?

Look around you, do you know of any other woman who tolerates this treatment from the man who is supposed to love her?

A normal loving relationship does not involve walking on eggshells, lying, belittling, a feeling of impending doom, being tortured emotionally by your partner, ever! a normal loving relationship is never an emotional roller coaster.

A person who loves you takes no pleasure in your pain and would never smirk when they realize they hurt you.

Those reptilian eyes that make you recoil and your gut twist in knots, are telling you all you need to know, this person is not normal or safe.

 

I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

I Give This Post From Chump Lady A Standing Ovation

I remember years ago lamenting in a post on here, “Why does he keep hurting me??!!!”

And someone said something that stung like the truth usually does when you are feeling sorry for yourself, “Because you keep letting him.”

On that note here is something from Chump Lady well worth sharing!!

I felt like standing, pumping my fist in the air and shouting “Yes!! Bravo!!”