Tag Archives: lies the narcissist tells

To A Narcissist-Image Is All That Matters

Narcissist don’t care whether the praise and admiration is real; as long as it is loud and often.
He doesn’t care if his lies are believed as long as no one questions him on them.
It is all about the show, how things look, not about reality or consequences. It is about immediate gratification. True wealth, as in money in the bank means nothing, a million in the bank or a million in debt makes no difference as long as they can create the image of wealth. Again a lie is as good as the truth because all that matters is how things look.
I used to listen to my ex on the phone telling his family about the house we lived in and lifestyle we had and I would think, “Are we living in the same house?” It was a rat infested dump but they didn’t know that and all that mattered to him was what they thought.
When he got with his new woman, a widow with money; he came to me saying he was retired and wanted to help me be successful like him. He was the kind of person who wanted to help his peeps. (Yes he said peeps!)I said, “Peeps?” He said, “Yeah, the people important to me, you are one of my peeps, what kind of person would I be if I didnt help people be successful like me?”
I said, “The only thing you are successful at is sucking in a widow with money, I wouldn’t go bragging about it and I’m sure she would have something to say about you helping your peeps.”
Most men would be ashamed to admit they were living off a widow but he brags about the lifestyle she affords him. He actually thinks I will feel bad because she was able to pay for the lifestyle he wanted.
It is amazing how out of touch with reality they really are.

17 Tips For Fighting The Narcissist In Court

In Quora today someone asked for helpful tips for going to court against an abuser.

I was able to come up with 17.

1. I always tell victims of abuse to keep a journal, if they don’t think they have time or are not “writers”, then simply get a day planner and make notes each day. We all think we will remember events, especially negative ones but the truth is, when in an abusive relationship there is so much drama and trauma, events get forgotten or days all run in together. Judges like facts; standing up in court saying he did this or that ends up being a “he said/she said” situation and an abuser (usually a narcissist) is very good at playing the victim and at lying. Besides, how many times has the narcissist been able to make you doubt your own eyes or argued so convincingly that you did something that you are sure you didn’t, that you begin to doubt your sanity? Best to write things down.

If the victim can flip through a journal or calendar and give dates and times to events it is much more believable. It also helps the victim stay calm and not get flustered.

So often in court the victim is justifiably emotional, the abuser is calm, rational and usually lying. If the victim has notes they can refer to it helps them to remain calm and to confidently rebuttal the lies. Unfortunately the judicial system views emotional people as being out of control or lying. The old says “thou protesteth too much” comes to mind. If you have the facts right in front of you there is no need to try to defend yourself, you simply state facts.

Pictures speak a thousand words is also very true in court.

  • Note of warning. Make dang sure the abuser does not know you are keeping a journal or have pictures because he/she will go to any length to find and destroy them, including killing the victim.
  • There is also a tendency for the victim to be too honest. They tell the abuser they have evidence of abuse in hopes it will make the abuse stop. This could be extremely dangerous.

2. Keep any threatening emails, texts, voice messages that the abuser leaves/sends and if it can be done safely, record any interactions where he/she is threatening the victim.

* Again, I repeat, make sure the abuser never finds out. Have a trusted friend keep the evidence if possible.

I remember watching a true story about a woman who was murdered. They couldn’t nail anyone with the murder until they found a shoe box in her closet with pictures and her journals. Unfortunately it didn’t save her life but at least the killer (her fiance ) was made to pay for the crime. (BTW he killed her after she agreed to meet with him to celebrate their anniversary, he bought her a beautiful gift, they had dinner and then he killed her. )

3. I also strongly advise to have your support system with you. In Canada we have advocates who will go to court with the victim, but a good friend who can remain calm and keep the victim calm is always advisable.

4. Written character references are helpful, the abuser will try to discredit the victim, make them sound unstable, violent or promiscuous; so references from employers, family, long term friends etc who will vouch the victim is honest, loving and rational goes a long way to disputing the abuser’s claims that he was pushed to his limit’s by the victim.

The abuser will often use, “I know it was wrong, I shouldn’t have let her get to me, I should have just walked away. I am not a violent person and I am so ashamed I lost control. She can be relentless.” He can even squeeze out some tears and shaking hands. The worst thing the victim could do is lose it and yell “he’’s lying!!” much better to have the written character references and to remain calm in court.

5. Something many people don’t think of is; how to dress. For women I always advise as follows:

Wear something you are comfortable in and fits well. It doesn’t have to be expensive, preferably it shouldn’t be too expensive anyway. Slacks or skirt with a button up blouse. No cleavage, no mini skirts, no bright colors. Keep it muted colors, not red or black, but grey, beige, soft blue, green, cream. You get the idea.

No dangling bangles, earrings should be simple studs or small hoops, no bracelets that will make noise. The judge finds it distracting and irritating.

Shoes should be comfortable, you might have to walk quite a distance, and you will have to stand in front of the judge. Also they should be “sensible” shoes, only a 3″ heel at most, closed toe, (no thigh high boots).

Hair should be away from the face in a simple up do or clipped back. I tend to play with my hair when I am nervous so any time I go to court I make sure to put my hair up to avoid mindlessly twisting my hair. Once again, it is distracting and makes the victim appear nervous and fidgety.

If a woman is wearing panty hose, please make sure they fit well and bring a spare pair in case you get a run.

Make sure your bra straps won’t show or fall off your shoulder.

Make sure you won’t be fidgeting!!

6. A week or so before court do a practice run. Drive to the courthouse at the same time you will be driving the day of court and make sure you know where to go. Allot extra time for unforseeable delays like road construction, trains, school buses, detours etc on the day of court.

7. If you are going to be at the courthouse anyway, make an appointment to speak to duty counsel, they can prepare you for what to expect.

In Canada, every courthouse has a “duty counsel” lawyer volunteers who give free legal counsel. You can call ahead and make an appointment to speak with one. The more you know about what to expect, where to go etc, the calmer you will be on the day of court.

8. Try on your outfit a week ahead of time and make sure it is clean and pressed. Nothing adds to the stress quite like rushing to get ready and having to iron a blouse or to put something on and find the hem is coming down, it has a stain or a button missing. To be on the safe side it never hurts to have one of those travel sewing kits in your car.

9. Get or borrow a briefcase for your paperwork. Either leave your purse at home or use a shoulder bag so you are not fumbling with papers, dropping papers, dumping your purse on the floor, etc.

10. Days ahead make copies of your evidence (never hand over evidence without making copies) organize your paperwork and pictures so you are not trying to find stuff in court and wasting the judge’s time.

11. The night before: fill the gas tank and check the air in your tires. Leave nothing to chance if possible.

12. Day of court: leave yourself plenty of time to get there. Better to be there early and go for a coffee than to be rushed or worse; late!

13. Stand when the judge enters the court room.

14. Bow when approaching the judge and again when leaving. Address the judge as “Your Honor” or “ Your Lordship “.

15. The narcissist WILL try to: intimidate you, make you look unstable and try to make you jealous by bringing the new woman with him. Please do not play into his game. Even if you are dating someone else please do not bring him to court with you. Do not play into the narc’s game, it is not attractive and won’t win any points with the judge. It just looks dysfunctional. Remember, only a sick person can go straight from a committed relationship with one person to falling madly in love with someone else a week later. A true victim is too busy trying to heal to start dating.

The woman will probably shoot you daggers and be SO loving and supportive you will want to slap her. Either, don’t even look at them or if you can pull it off; shake your head and give her a little knowing grin, its a subtle way of letting her know, you know something she doesn’t. It also shows you have class. Do NOT under any circumstances get into an exchange with him and her. If he approaches you, go immediately to a security guard.

I know of one case where the victim was able to remain so calm that the abuser totally lost it in the hallway outside the courtroom; yelling and threatening her. He was arrested immediately and of course totally blew his case.

16. Just be honest. Don’t try to guess what the narcissist will do or say or what lies he will tell. You know he will lie but you are prepared with facts and the truth. A narcissist relies heavily on intimidation and lies; when he is faced with the truth he starts to fall apart because he won’t have proof and a judge is not going to be intimidated by him. The narcissist is thinking you aren’t even going to show up for court, let alone be calm cool and collected.

17. Take tissues with you, it’s OK to cry, just try to not be a sobbing emotional basket case or a screaming fish wife.

That’s about it. Good luck!

I’m Rubber, You Are Glue

trump-glue

Remember back in grade school some smart ass kid that made your life hell and when you told him what you thought of him, he would sing, “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” or another favorite was, “I know you are but what am I?”

As a young child you would get angry, perhaps cry,maybe even hit the other child and defend yourself. But no matter what you said nothing fazed the kid, he always had a come back, laugh, and when you tried the same lines, they just didn’t work for you, his words still hurt.

Fortunately most kids grow up and develop empathy and communication skills. We certainly aren’t expecting to have to deal with that kind of childish taunting as an adult but we found ourselves feeling just like we did as a child in the playground, frustrated, helpless to defend ourselves, crying, with our tormentor laughing at us, taunting us.

If you are still with the narcissist you probably haven’t figured out that; trying to reason with a narcissist, defending ourselves, or trying to make a narcissist admit any fault in the relationship is futile and will result in it bouncing off him and sticking to you. You accuse him of cheating, eventually he will accuse you, tell him he is a narcissist and he will research it and accuse you of all the traits of a narcissist; you may not believe it now because you are still thinking he/she is a normal person and eventually you will get through to them.

Trust me that you are not thinking clearly right now. This kind of gaslighting will drive the most sane person crazy. I can’t say I blame you because there is no way anyone could have convinced me he would turn against me the way my ex did. Deep down, through it all I truly felt there was a deep love for me buried inside him that he was terrified to admit or at the very least he had a conscience and could never lie about me so blatantly. I admit I felt superior to him because I was faithful and honest; he was the one screwing up the relationship, there was no way I could be blamed for the relationship failing.

Then came the day when he told me he’d had enough and it was over.

I said, “YOU’VE had enough??? enough what?”

He looked at me with disgust and said, “This”

I was furious, “You’ve had enough of this????? I have been faithful, I have been honest, you are the one who screwed around, you are the one who didn’t come home at night, who lied…….not me!”

He looked at me over his glasses and sneered when he asked, “And what did you do????”

Looking him right in the eyes, I was indignant, “I stayed.”

He spit out “Exactly” before he went back to reading his magazine and I stood there trying to absorb the enormity of three words. “I stayed” and “Exactly“.

It took a few months before I finally moved out, even though my ex said, “I don’t want you to be homeless so you can stay.” For whatever reason my biggest fear had always been being homeless and of course he knew that but I also knew that if I stayed it would be the death of me.

I had suspected he was cutting me down to his work mates but I had always conducted myself with class, honesty, hard work and wasn’t concerned with what he told his buddies. What I had not counted on and sadly underestimated was his vindictiveness and his ability to lie straight faced and be believed. He knew that all he had to do was put doubt into people’s minds, make a few anonymous phone calls, and act like an unwilling victim. It made me sick how he could play the victim, I had seen him do it with me about other people and now I knew he was doing it about me.

It took me a painfully long time to figure out that any one who decided they were going to “remain neutral” was not a friend of mine. I had never had a relationship where friends had to choose, I had never had a relationship end where I couldn’t remain friendly with my ex and I didn’t want to appear unkind or vindictive but I was constantly being put in the position of defending myself. What worked against me was the fact that I had remained loyal to him and not told people what was going on behind closed doors so when I defended myself to his accusations it all sounded like sour grapes. He had already told everyone I was a liar and crazy and I had stayed for 10 years and not said a word, so of course no one believed me. If it was that bad why did I stay, why didn’t I complain to anyone about him? call the police, go back time after time?

I kept thinking, he stole my identity! he had totally reversed roles and taken mine! He even used my own lines on me! Lines like:

“I can’t just shut off my feelings after we have a fight an pretend nothing happened.”

“Try putting yourself in the new girlfriend’s position, how would you like it if I was seeing an ex girlfriend?”

“She kept saying no one would love me like she did.”

“I am afraid of what you are going to do next.”

“She is trying to ruin my life, get me fired, destroy me.”

“She keeps trying to cause trouble in my life, destroying property, stealing from me etc”

It was infuriating to be accused of exactly what he was doing to me! but I knew the more I denied it the guiltier I looked. It was like entering the twilight zone. I had a couple of “friends” who insisted on telling me how happy he was with his new woman and all the things he was saying about me and what I was doing. It didn’t matter that I told them I didn’t want to hear it, they wanted to hear my explanation or defense against what he was saying, and I did play the game for awhile, until I realized that I didn’t need a friend who doubted my character and would listen to the shit my ex was spreading. I knew he was using them as a pawn to hurt me and to destroy my good reputation. Something I learned from being with my ex is; if a lie is told enough times to the right people, it becomes a fact in people’s minds. It’s a rather interesting phenomenon witnessed during the Trump campaign

That is when I decided the only thing I could control was how I conducted my life, I couldn’t anticipate what he would do next, I could only live honestly and true to my morals and principles AND cut all toxic  people from my life and keep trying to be the best version of me I can be.

When I started looking for answers about 2 years into the relationship there wasn’t a lot of information out there. In fact 6 years ago when I started the blog there still wasn’t much information out there, I did a lot of research and from sharing my own experiences and listening to the stories of thousands of women and men, I consider myself to be a bit of a layman expert and I will continue to spread the word about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, or whatever label you want to give these soul sucking vampires. I am here to tell you that any attempt to make the narcissist admit his mistreatment of you or feel any morsel of guilt or remorse, is not going to happen. In fact, anything you say will bounce off him and stick to you.