Tag Archives: Lies

To A Narcissist-Image Is All That Matters

Narcissist don’t care whether the praise and admiration is real; as long as it is loud and often.
He doesn’t care if his lies are believed as long as no one questions him on them.
It is all about the show, how things look, not about reality or consequences. It is about immediate gratification. True wealth, as in money in the bank means nothing, a million in the bank or a million in debt makes no difference as long as they can create the image of wealth. Again a lie is as good as the truth because all that matters is how things look.
I used to listen to my ex on the phone telling his family about the house we lived in and lifestyle we had and I would think, “Are we living in the same house?” It was a rat infested dump but they didn’t know that and all that mattered to him was what they thought.
When he got with his new woman, a widow with money; he came to me saying he was retired and wanted to help me be successful like him. He was the kind of person who wanted to help his peeps. (Yes he said peeps!)I said, “Peeps?” He said, “Yeah, the people important to me, you are one of my peeps, what kind of person would I be if I didnt help people be successful like me?”
I said, “The only thing you are successful at is sucking in a widow with money, I wouldn’t go bragging about it and I’m sure she would have something to say about you helping your peeps.”
Most men would be ashamed to admit they were living off a widow but he brags about the lifestyle she affords him. He actually thinks I will feel bad because she was able to pay for the lifestyle he wanted.
It is amazing how out of touch with reality they really are.

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Advice If You Are With A Narcissist But Don’t Want To Leave

I got a comment on the “30 Red Flags” post the other day and thought it was a topic worth talking about again.

broke own heart

I mean really, there must be some other advice when you discover you are with a narcissist, other than “RUN”. I remember how frustrated I’d become when searching for answers years ago; every single site I came to (there weren’t that many 10-12 years ago) said to leave. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted advice on how to stay, I loved this man, there must be a way of coping with his issues, some secret to having a doable relationship. I didn’t need a knight in shining armor, I was willing to compromise, communicate differently, feed his ego more. If I needed to give him space, or love him more, or express myself differently, I was willing to do whatever it took, just tell me so I can go about saving him and our relationship, but I was not going to jump ship and desert him. I loved this man with all my heart!

I have always thought that nothing is impossible if you are willing to do the work, that there is a solution to every problem if you don’t give up, and that true love will prevail. All relationships go through rough times but if you weather the storms you will be rewarded with true love and devotion, at 80 you will be sitting side by side in your rocking chairs with the love of your life laughing about the stupid fights you used to have. You will look knowingly at each other, because the storms will have brought you closer together.

Ah, yes, true enduring love! I do believe it exists, and I do believe that these days of instant gratification and “out with the old and in with the new” mentality are making “happily ever after” a lot harder to find, but it can be found; just not with a narcissist.

Sticking with the person you love is an admirable thing, it shows good character and that you are a person of your word, responsible, and have a heart, all the things of a narcissist does not have. *Hint number #1 – Both people must have these qualities in order for it to work.

 

Anyway, here is the comment:

I am newly married.. Im 23. I feel like everything you posted reminds me of my new husband. I have recently felt so uncomfortable in our home. No he isn’t cheating. He is just really mad. And under ” a lot of stress” when there is nothing to stress about. He never says he loves me or kisses me for no reason anymore. He used to be so loving and so caring about my wants and needs. Now nothing.. We have been together over 4 years now. I thought we were best friends, we enjoyed everything together.. Now everything is opposite and fights. I don’t know what to do.. Any advice other than run away?

psychopath

My reply:

Keisha, I know it is not so easy to walk away from a marriage, a new marriage. I am sure you don’t want to give up on your marriage, are afraid of what friends and family would think and say, plus you thought you had met your soulmate, your partner for life! You don’t want to think it was all a scam. You want the fairytale, happily ever after relationship you signed up for. You vowed, “For better or worse” and you sure don’t want to run at the first sign of “worse”.
By asking for advice, “other than run” you are in essence asking for tips on how to be married to a narcissist; and there are none. If you want to know how to be reasonably happy with a narcissist, how to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want, how to argue with a narcissist, how to reason with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist happy, how to avoid conflict with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist love you, how to make a narcissist be faithful, – there are no tips or advice to be given because all of the above are impossible.

So then we come to how you can change yourself so you can be happy and yet stay in the relationship; there are lots of things you can try but you have to remember, the narcissist doesn’t like you to be happy so you will constantly have to lie and sneak to be happy, in other words hide your happiness from him which is an oxymoron right there.

Even if you give up all expectations of the narc, don’t expect gifts for any occasions, don’t expect to ever go out, never expect the narc to show up, keep his promises, be faithful, or care one iota about you or the kids you will have, even if you give up your family and friends and live only for the narcissist and be at his beck and call 24/7, smile happily when he saunters through the door after being MIA for 3 days; He will still find fault, push your buttons until you break, to the point of you finding him in bed with your best friend and then him being angry with you for being upset. “But he should have known, you always have been a selfish bitch and he can not deal with your warped view of reality.”
Take it from a woman who tried everything, sacrificed everything, far more than material possessions, I sacrificed my self esteem, values, morals, boundaries, friendships and family and he still cheated and later even taunted me to kill myself. That is the one thing I refused to give him; my life and he has been pissed about it ever since.
But if you are determined to not run, this is my advice to you.
First of all, know this; they do not ever change.
What not to do:
– Don’t tell him that you think he is a narcissist in hopes he will want to change. They can’t change, they are born this way, their brains are wired totally different than a normal brain, he can not feel empathy, guilt, remorse and he really just can not care nor does he want to. Telling him he is a narcissist could put you in danger.
– Don’t believe a word he says, if his lips are moving, he is lying, get used to it.
– Don’t have any expectations
– Don’t rely on him for your self worth, keep your friends and family
– Don’t try couples counseling, he will just manipulate the counselor into thinking it is all your fault and he is the victim or if you get a counselor who knows anything about narcissists he will decide the counselor is a quack and refuse to attend.
– Don’t bother trying to explain why the things he does hurt you in hopes that some day you will be able to explain it in such a way that he will finally understand and stop doing what he is doing.

Accept that this is the way your relationship is going to go. It will eventually get so bad that you feel you have no choice but to leave because he will act like he can’t stand the fact that you are breathing his air. BUT if you do leave he will do everything within his power to get you back, even apologize for everything he ever did wrong.
If you go back, the abuse will be worse than ever and the cycle will continue. The honeymoon period will be shorter and the abuse worse.

Keep reading up on narcissists, keep coming here for support, keep a journal so you can see the pattern and that you are repeating history over and over again and nothing ever gets better.

  • Journaling is the number one best thing you can do for many reasons; it will help you keep your sanity for when he gaslights you and says things didn’t happen, twists your words, rewrites history, when you find out 6 months later he was lying, to be used in court to prove abuse, when he eventually kills you it will give the police and your family answers to what happened. (Please visit Myinnerchick.com it is written by the sister of a woman murdered by her soon to be ex husband)
  • Don’t stay 10 years like I did, or God forbid 30 years like some women
  • Please read the Safety Plan download at the top of the blog and other posts I have done on staying safe while in or leaving a narcissist.
  • Please do not have children with this man, do not bring an innocent life into this mess.

You say he isn’t cheating; I never thought my ex cheated on me either, I didn’t think he was capable of that kind of dishonesty, I really truly thought he loved me deeply and even when he had personal ads I didn’t think he would actually do anything about it.
I read somewhere that if you think your narcissist isn’t cheating you just haven’t caught him yet or he doesn’t feel he has you mentally beaten down far enough yet to take that step, but eventually he will cheat, 90% of them do, multiple times and with multiple women.

You are 23, with your whole life ahead of you, 30 years can fly by amazingly fast when you are dodging bullets, putting out fires, playing detective, and dancing as fast as you can while jumping through impossible hoops; all the while playing an endless game of “If only” in your head.

Look around at the married people you know, how many of them are recently married and always angry with their partner; I bet none.

We are here to help, encourage and support, but there is only one way to deal with a narcissist and that is to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and never have contact again.

Maybe If I Wouldn’t Have Gotten Angry – (the narcissist wouldn’t have left)

Thinking that they could have somehow prevented the narcissist from leaving them or abusing them is one of the main reasons victims stay and find it so hard to let go.

The narcissist leaves, immediately gets involved with another “love of his life” and appears so happy. The victim and the casual observer might believe it was the victim’s fault because the narcissist appears happy-go-lucky, loving, generous and caring. It is like living in the Twilight Zone where someone steals your personality and you are left empty like they used to be. He was doing everything I had wanted him to do, for the new woman, he was a mini ME and indignant that I would even suggest he might do something illegal or hurt me in any way.  Narcissists are constantly studying human nature and especially the character of their victim and they use the information, lines, beliefs, morals of their victims to hook the new victim. If you could be a fly on the wall you would hear him using the same lines he heard coming from you.

How sick yet ingenious is that?

The victim on the other hand wants to crawl out of their own skin, the intense emotions are scary and they feel out of control of their own mind and body. They feel soiled by the evil of the narcissist, like by association they are as evil as he is declaring them to be.  How did they get this way? Why are they this way? When did they lose control? and how the hell do they ever get back to the way they were?

How did it start? Once you understand and accept the relationship for what it is you will see very clearly the steps that got you to where you are.

The narcissist knows that history repeats itself and a good way to predict how a person will treat you is to look at their past relationships so they are usually very careful to isolate the victim from anyone who has witnessed his past transgressions, either by moving to a different town or by not allowing them to get close to those people who know the narcissist best. By not allowing the victim to get too close to his family he also ensures his family has no choice but to take his word for it when he professes he is the victim of a psycho bitch. His family ends up thinking he just makes poor choices in women.

Even if a family member does see the narcissist for what he is, they rarely “out” the narcissist and risk alienating their whole family and the family (even if they know deep down there is something extremely wrong) will cling to the hope that this new woman will change the narcissist with her special love.  If the narcissist feels there is any possibility that his family will tell the victim about his past he will go to great lengths to keep the victim away from them.

JC was quick to take me home to meet his family but I immediately felt an elephant in the room, the interaction between him and his family was stilted and not natural and warm. I felt ill at ease, which was not like me when I meet new people. When he told me that his family didn’t really like me, I felt hurt and it made sense why I felt uncomfortable. For the first 8 years we were together any time we were supposed to be going to his family’s he found a way to prevent it from happening and other times he went alone. I found out later that he told his family I didn’t want to visit them.

Without a track record of his past we are left to take his word for everything and he appeared so honest in the beginning, why wouldn’t we believe him?

If his ex is in the picture more than likely she is trying desperately to get him back, quite possibly even apologizing profusely. He isn’t taking her calls, you have heard him on the phone telling her that he has met the love of his life and is happy and to leave him alone. He says he doesn’t want to hide anything from you and shows you her texts, if she wants him back that badly he must be a great guy! If he was abusive why would she want him back? That’s what I thought when JC’s ex called him, if he was an asshole why would she even be his friend?

Victims like to think that the narcissist doesn’t realize the hurt he inflicts and he is so self-absorbed and unaware of how other people feel that he inadvertently hurts them but that is what they want you to believe. They know damn well what they are doing and will orchestrate events in order to manipulate the players in his life to give him the desired results. I played right into his plans even though I knew better. I knew exactly what he was doing yet I did it anyway. I called and begged him to not do this, even though I didn’t really want him back, I knew he was toxic, I didn’t respect him, I was embarrassed to admit he was my boyfriend so why was I begging him not to go with this new woman? Because he did it in such a cold callous and vindictive way, he blamed me for everything, he was cruel beyond anything I had ever experienced and I had been stripped of everything and it was obvious he had it planned all along and that was why he came back to me. I didn’t want to admit that I had been sucked in, that I willingly walked into his trap, I didn’t want to admit the truth. So I ended up helping him secure his next victim, my phone calls, him not answering my texts gave him everything he needed to secure his next victim. I proved I was unstable, madly in love with him (so he must be a great guy) and if she had any doubts about getting involved with him I erased them and she was thinking; “I am not going to lose this great guy, my love is special, he appreciates me so much, he is choosing me over her, I win!!!” The truth is, the narcissist wins!!

Then the abuse starts. As with most victims, JC would tell me if I would only do this or that he would be happy so I would give him exactly what he asked for and then he would be upset I did it, tell me to do something else and deny ever saying he wanted me to do the first thing. He had me running in circles, changing the rules daily, saying one thing then denying it. It drives a person crazy. There were times I totally lost it on him out of sheer frustration, I would shock myself with my reaction. Looking back I can see why it happened, there was no discussing anything with him. He twisted my words, corrected my grammar, twisted facts, accused me of things and I would end up defending myself, or he would simply refuse to discuss anything and walk away. Eventually, I would become a screaming bitch, desperate to be heard and understood; and he would say, “and you always say you love me, that’s really loving alright.” and I would immediately feel guilty and apologize.

I felt forced to do things I would never do ordinarily, like snoop, hide money, lie to him…… because I couldn’t trust him but all those things served to make me feel like a bad person and believe him when he said no other man would put up with me. Sometimes he would leave evidence of his infidelity for me to find, like when he “forgot” to sign out of his hotmail account and I saw his POF profile. He wanted me to find it, he wanted to get me upset, it was all part of the abuse, control and manipulation, reprogramming of my mind, breaking me.

I had never been like that in my life, but his refusal to admit things I KNEW to be true, the way he twisted my words, the way he rolled his eyes, walked out of the room while I was talking…… all drove me to the point of insanity.

I would leave because I didn’t like who I was with him and as soon as I was away from him for a while I would return to the calm rational person I had always been. As long as I could get away from him, I could date him; when he made me angry I would just go home, he couldn’t badger me if we lived apart. I always thought I had come up with the solution. “If I did this or acted that way or if I anticipated his needs” we could avoid the fights.

It became clear to me that the best way to keep him on his toes and treating me half way decent was to keep him guessing. As soon as I let him move in he would start treating me like shit again so I rationalized that I could keep the relationship alive by keeping it in perpetual “dating mode”. For a couple of years I didn’t allow him to move in and kept my own place, I never knew if we were a couple or not. He would show up at the door most nights. I didn’t let him bring anything in the house, not even a change of clothes because I knew if I gave him an inch he would take a mile, eventually his stuff would work it’s way in. It is not in my nature to not be loving and giving and I would weaken and let my guard down. As soon as I relaxed and showed love back or did something nice for him, he would pull away. Yet when I was aloof he complained I didn’t love him. I couldn’t win for losing. It was a constant tug a war. It was an impossible scenario to keep up.

He created the belief that even though we fought all the time, we were so in love we could not stay away from each other, we were destined to be together, we needed each other; I even had proof of it from God, whenever we were split  or I was fed up my truck would break down or he would get injured somehow. He promoted my faith in God and even created situations that could only be considered miracles, that I believe now were just elaborate ruses on his part. Read my post on the Bible here.

He kept me attached but never gave the relationship the nurturing needed for it to grow, he kept us in perpetual chaos in order to keep me from getting to really know him. The longer the relationship with a narcissist goes on the bigger the lies and deceit has to get and at some point the narcissist has to walk away or be exposed.

When the final discard comes he has to destroy the victim in order to confirm his story, he has to villainize the victim and become the victim themselves. In his mind it is him or them, he has to get everyone on his side in order to hook the new victim and alter history. He cannot just walk away amicably, what if you decided to expose him for who he really is? He has to discredit you before you discredit him.

When I finally found him at that woman’s house something snapped in me. It was a dead end street and my truck was facing the dead-end. I got in and drove to the end of the street, he didn’t even look at me and just sat in the car. I turned around at the end of the street and sat there facing the back of his car with the engine running. He was so cold and unresponsive, uncaring and I thought, “I’ll make you care, you son-of-a-bitch, you’ll care when I drive this truck right up your ass.” I revved the engine, I had straight pipes on the truck so it didn’t have the stock exhaust and it was loud, a F550 with a 7.2 L diesel engine that roared. I shifted it manually, revving the engine, the smoke billowing out of the pipes, I had enough room to build up speed and I am sure the whole block heard me barrelling down on him. I was going to drive over that damn car, that would wipe the smirk off his face and destroy his cockiness. At the last-minute I swerved around his car, as I went past I could see he was reading something and he didn’t even look up.

That was it, I drove away and cried for a couple of hours. I fell apart totally, called his sister and she came out to stay with me for a couple of days. Later of course I thought of all the rational things I should have done, like just take the car and park it a few blocks away and not tell him anything. It was MY car after all, I had every right to take it. But no matter what I would have done he would have been able to twist the story making himself a victim and ne the villain.

At the last-minute I was able to think clearly, see the consequences of my actions, I scared myself. I knew I could never live with myself if I killed him, but I can understand why some victims crack, driven insane by the manipulation, the disregard, the cold unfeeling abuse of their love, the denial of the truth.

There was a handful of times I did things I regretted but I always apologized and I never did it again.

When the narcissist starts his character assassination he peppers his lies with enough truth to be believable and to keep the victim quiet. The victim knows they acted irrationally and they are ashamed,  The narcissist knows the victim will be honest so all they have to do is embellish the truth. He even told me he was afraid to be alone with me because he didn’t know what I would do and I am sure the new woman was listening to his end of the conversation. When they make an accusation like that the victim doesn’t even try to explain to anyone because it sounds convoluted to their own ears and to defend themselves would take retelling the whole story of the relationship.

After we were no contact for a couple of months my conscience got the better of me and I wrote him an apology letter saying I wished him happiness and that I would always love him. I don’t really regret it any more because all it did was prove I was human. I forgive myself for every stupid thing I did because I was fighting with the devil blindfolded, I did the best I could.

I read comments from people and I see myself 4 years ago. All I can say is, Please do not beat yourself up and please stay no contact. You HAVE to remind yourself that it was all a huge plot on his part and any further contact with him, blaming yourself, or even anger is only helping him weave his web of lies and set the trap for the next one. Save some of your dignity and self-respect, come in here and spill your guts but don’t pick up that phone, don’t send that text message or email.

If it gets really bad, if you feel you just HAVE to apologize, get closure, “be friends” , get a piece of paper and a pen, sit down and;

– write out all the times you acted like a nutcase and what the events leading up to it were. If you just lost it for no reason, then maybe you do owe him an apology, maybe he isn’t a narcissist.

– list all the things you could have done to make him happy that you refused to do but his new woman will do without hesitation. ie: work and pay all the bills, buy him all the toys he wants and never buy anything for yourself, reject your children, etc

– make another list of all the things you denied him that any other woman would have accepted without question. -ie: him watching hours of porn, dating other women, not coming home at night………

– Now make a list of all the times you wrongly accused him of; infidelity, got angry for no reason, screwed around on him, denied him sex for no reason.

 

 

The Science of Love

science

 

At times I think I confuse people with my views on who is at fault in a relationship with a narcissist. 

Although I don’t believe the victim is to blame, there is no way they knew what they were getting into, no one teaches us about narcissists and psychopaths, unfortunately it is a lesson we had to learn the hard way. BUT we do have to take some responsibility for our own abuse because we stayed.

NOW, before you get defensive or take all the blame let me explain. We are all caregivers, that is what we do, as much as the narcissist is a taker, user and abuser and has no heart, we are the exact opposite. It stands to reason we would end up with a narcissist doesn’t it? 

I hear people say they are afraid to ever date again because they can’t trust another man, or they can’t trust themselves, or they can’t stop being who they are and they refuse to stop being a caring giving person. But no one is asking they to change who they are only define who they are and then stick to that definition and not let anyone tell them differently. Set boundaries and stick to them, be true to your core beliefs and respect yourself and demand that others respect you also. A narcissist will not stick around if he knows you can not be manipulated. I watched that show Secret Millionaire the other day, the show where a millionaire pretends to be poor in order to find a love partner who loves them for them and not their money. I watched several of the episodes and something happened I had not anticipated; in the final few minutes of the show the contestant reveals the truth to the (in the cases I watched) woman he has been lying about his wealth and the woman who previously had really been falling for the guy broke up with him for lying to her. 

I doubt I would have done that. I have never cared how much money a guy had but, to be honest, if I was falling for a guy and he revealed he had been lying and he was actually a millionaire I would be thrilled!! Bonus!! and I would have totally ignored the fact that he had lied to me, I would understand why he did it and forgiven him and said something like, “I’ll forgive you this time but ever lie to me again and it’s over.'” Some of the women asked to think about it for a while alone, but they came to the same conclusion and broke up with the guy. Actually only one woman decided to stick with the guy and they were getting along great 2 months later but who knows what a year down the road brought. 

That got me thinking and wondering what the women (or men) on here would do. Would you forgive or break up with the guy? I respect the women who stood firm to their boundaries and from now on I am standing firm to my boundaries also, no 2nd chances, no acceptions to the rule. THAT is where we run into problems. You can still be a caring, giving person without being a doormat and letting a person walk all over you and disrespect you. Love does not mean letting someone ignore your standards. If honesty is not important to you then by all means date a liar, or if you want to pay for everything all the time, pay all the time, but if you want honesty, faithfulness, and respect don’t date a guy who lies, has cheated on other women because he will cheat on you and don’t pay his way.

Another thing we did, we gave too much, we invested too much, when we invest too much the person and the relationship becomes more important because we are invested. Watch this video, they are talking about allowing the other person to invest in the relationship also, that if we do it all the scales become unbalanced and we end up more invested in the relationship than the other person. Just listen to the first few minutes it makes a lot of sense. I know I was doing all the driving when I met James, it happened before I knew it but looking back, I didn’t like doing the driving but he didn’t want to drive and it kinda made sense because at his place we were alone and I worked and he didn’t, but I wonder what would have happened if I would have just said,”No, I do not want to drive down there.” I didn’t want to take the chance that he wouldn’t do it so I didn’t challenge him but maybe he would have not driven and maybe we wouldn’t have gotten together for the long haul which certainly would not have been a bad thing. 

You know, sometimes we think we really want something because we think it is a good thing and what we need so we make it happen at all cost and if we would have just stood back and let things unfold as they should it never would have been a problem.

When People Don’t Understand The Mind Of A Narcissist

It is very hard to stop expecting the narcissist to act like a normal human being. The victim invariably ends up astonished at the lies and vindictiveness of the N.
During the relationship he was cruel, a pathological liar, unfaithful, gas lighted, manipulated and raged, but he always came back begging for one last second chance. You knew deep down he really loved you and sooner or later he was going to realize it too. He was just damaged from some previous relationship, or his dysfunctional upbringing; you knew him better than anyone, you knew that sweet innocent little boy who just needs to be loved and nurtured was buried inside there somewhere. You saw him when you first met and glimpses of him ever since. He is just afraid to be vulnerable and the more in love with you he grows the more afraid he becomes. That’s why after an especially romantic time he will lash out at you; he feels vulnerable. If you hang in there and prove you are not going to leave him like the others did, eventually he will accept the love he so desperately needs and you will both ride off into the sunset, the happy ending all romance novels are made of.

But it doesn’t end that way, far from it. This time when he told you it was over he hovered for awhile but out of the blue he gleefully tells you he has met the love of his life and for the first time ever he is truly in love. You are crushed, how could he fall in love with someone else so quickly and what did you and he have all this time? Apparently nothing; from the way he can just walk away.

But wait, the best is yet to come. As you are reeling from his revelation the slander starts. I am not talking about the typical “there’s two sides to every story” kind of talk that couples do when they break up. No! This is vicious, cruel, vindictive and totally uncalled for.

He is telling horrendous out right lies about you to everyone who will listen; friends, family, YOUR family, where you work, your church, simply anyone who will listen gets an earful about the hell he had to endure the whole time he was with you.

You are gutted! How can he tell such horrible lies about you when all you did was love him and put up with his crap, for years!! You forgave, forgot, compromised and he has now turned it all back on you!!

Not only do you not get closure, he is reinventing the whole history of the relationship. All the things he did to you and you didn’t tell people about because either you were protecting him or you thought no one would believe you if you did tell; he is now telling people you did to HIM and people are believing him!!!

Now if you try to say,”but he did that to me!!” people think you are just trying to turn the tables and blame him; after all if he was doing those things why wouldn’t you have told someone?

You must remember the N has perfected the art of deception through many years of practice. You can pick up on his lies most of the time, through time and experience you learned the little signs, that smirk, how he can cry at the flip of a switch, that little boy who stole the cookie look.
But to the casual observer he appears sincere, the way he is kind of hesitant, like he really doesn’t want to criticize you and the listener encourages him that its ok he can trust them. So he reluctantly tells them the hell he went through, how hard he tried, how he really loved you but you caused so much conflict and never appreciated all the things he did for you. He will even act ashamed that he wasn’t man enough to stand up to you. All the while he is mentally patting himself on the back for his stellar performance! And the listener; even someone who always liked you is now doubting you. The more you try to defend yourself the more you realize you are wasting your breath. With friends like this it is best to simply say, “He is lying, I will not defend myself to absurd accusations. His true colors will show eventually.” and walk away. You don’t need friends who are friends with him or who will put doubt in your mind, tell you how the N is doing or what he is saying.

Save your energy for the really vindictive slander; when he calls your employer or manipulates someone to call for him. Or when he calls the police or child services to report lies about you.

It is very rare that the N will not try to destroy his victim after they discard them. Why? Only a narcissist can answer that because a normal person doesn’t do that.
I can only venture a guess that he has to always be the good guy and the winner. He anticipates you are or have told people what transpired in the relationship and he must convince people you are lying.
But that doesn’t explain why he would jeopardize your future security but getting you fired or why he would want you in jail or have your kids taken away.

The only reason I can think of is that once he is done with you, you are punished for not giving him more. He is getting vindication for every time you got angry with him, every perceived slight against him,  every time you left him when he told you to, for every time you tried to defend yourself. And in his mind if he doesn’t want you then no one should have you and you do not deserve a happy life, you are garbage to him. Besides you know the truth, the best way to keep you from spreading the truth about him is to keep you busy defending yourself against false accusations.

But that is of little consolation when it’s happening. Even if you know it is a trait of the N it is very difficult to not take it personally when someone is trying to ruin your life.

It is a very normal reaction to want to go to him and ask him why? What did you do to make him hate you so? Demand he tell people the truth, admit the truth!
But he is full of loathing and the look in his eyes chills you to the bone. You have never seen hate like that before.

That sweet little boy is gone and in his place is the devil himself. Your body and mind recoil at the realization that you don’t even know this man that you sacrificed everything for. That he not only doesn’t love you; he hates you and all he cares about is destroying you.

It is a horrific realization that no one can possibly understand unless they have been there. And at your absolutely weakest, lowest point in your life after depleting your resources trying to save the relationship you find yourself in court trying to disprove his lies. You are a basket case and he is calm, self assured, giving the impression he is “doing the right thing and finally standing up to your terany”.

So what can you do!?

For one thing keep a journal, start the journal before you leave, as soon as you question the relationship start a journal so you have dates recording the sequence of events. A journal will help you remember how events really went and prevent you from doubting your recollection. It can also act as proof to the court and family etc.

Secondly, forget about trying to appeal to his reasonable and compassionate side. He doesn’t have one. It will only feed his ego and if you say the wrong thing it could give him more ammunition.

Thirdly, do not under estimate the depths of evil this man will go to. Do as much damage control as possible. Tell your employer that your ex is abusive and slandering you so he is prepared should he get a call. Tell the police your ex has threatened to place false charges against you. One time JC had said to me, “Wait until the cops find out what you’ve got hidden in your place.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about but I called the police and told them. They had reports of domestic abuse on file and assured me they would not take any accusations he made about me seriously. That it is very common for an abusive ex to set up the victim. He then can say, “whatever I did isn’t as bad as what she did”. Plus people love to hear dirt on people, they don’t care if it is the truth, it is exciting and garners them attention when they retell the lie.
Once a lie has been told enough times it becomes fact just because so many people have heard it that it must be true.

5th, choose your friends wisely, do not reveal anything to anyone you can’t trust with your life. Because we are talking about your life here, this is very serious.

6th, People who say, “Who cares what lies he tells, people that know you won’t believe him” are naive. People who know you, shouldn’t believe him but like I said earlier, they are masters at lying. They can make your honesty look like lies compared to how convincing they can tell a lie and make it look like honesty. And yes people who believe him are no friends of yours BUT they become accomplices in his vendetta against you.
You have every right to be concerned and should not “just ignore” them.
7th, speak to a good lawyer, one who understands narcissists and has dealt with them in the past. You may not need him but to have a lawyer on speed dial is always a good safety precaution when dealing with a narcissist.

8th If at all possible, leave the area with no forwarding address. I know you don’t want to let him win or go running to hide with your tail between your legs but the sooner you are out of sight the sooner you are out of his mind as well.

Every time he sees you he sees a threat to his future happiness, you could blow his cover. If you are doing well he resents it because he thought he had stripped you of everything of value. He will be angry you were holding back on him or mad at himself ( you) because he missed something.

9th Be prepared. Take every precaution to be safe, lead an exemplary life so as not to give him more ammo.

10th Know that it is not personal, they all do it and it has nothing to do with you. It hurts like hell yes, it makes it harder to heal but that is why there are websites like this one; these bottom feeding, soul suckers cause massive damage to their victims during AND after the relationship. It isn’t fair, no one ever accused a narcissist of being fair. It is what a relationship with an N is all about, him taking everything he can from a person.
Concentrate on your healing, living the best life you can, self improvement, meditation, yoga, getting centered and get to know yourself. It is time to be aware of what the N is and is capable of but after that it is time to concentrate on YOU.  Read, Wayne Dyer, Ekhart Tolle, Dr Robert Hare, are a few good starts. Plus the many blogs on the topic. A few are
Let Me Reach
Avalanche of the Soul
Narc Raiders
Paula’s Notifications
Anatomy of Love
And so many more that escape me right now.
Participate in supporting others who are not as far along in their recovery (remain aware though that this might hold you back from healing and be triggering for you . Do not feel guilty if you find it is not healthy for you to continue going to a blog. You must put your healing first and foremost)

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

HELLO?? This is Your Gut Speaking

ImageEveryone has experienced that almost audible voice that is telling you what you should do but you ignore it; does it ever work out for you? I am sure almost everyone coming here can relate to wanting something so bad that no matter what happens you are focussed on what YOU want but it seems no matter what you do there are roadblocks in your way, you just deal with one and another appears. I have found that when something is too difficult to attain it usually isn’t meant to be. I have learned (and it was a tough lesson to learn) that if I am indecisive I am better off to just wait it out; some how things work out the way they should.

People get uncomfortable being quiet, they don’t like to listen to that voice because they don’t want to hear what it has to say but if you really tune into it, it can become such a big part of your every day life and so natural that you hardly think about it; but you have to be willing to go through a period of being uncomfortable and you have to learn to be very in tune with your body.

When people come in here and they are almost panicked because the N wants them back and they don’t know what to do; the reason they are feeling so anxious is because they aren’t listening to their gut instincts, it is very simple and straight forward really.

I remember feeling uncomfortable throughout the relationship with JC, right from the beginning but I hushed the voice telling me something wasn’t right, I told myself the reason I felt uncomfortable was because I wasn’t accustomed to being loved so completely, I wasn’t used to allowing a man to take care of me and it was going to take a while for me to get used to not being in control all the time. I recalled various conversations I had in the past and they influenced the decisions I made with JC.

In my past I had been very “black and white” with my boundaries and had been very tough on my first husband, I was young and I had high standards and ideals and I wasn’t willing to compromise them. I was demanding, I admit it and would admit it to my 1st husband now. Age and experience has mellowed me for certain. I relaxed as years went by but even when I met JC I had high standards as far as moral and ethical boundaries, I had no tolerance for dishonesty, unscrupulous dealings with people, infidelity, and I valued authentic people and had little time for phonies. JC presented himself to be all the things I valued and none of the things I despised. So it didn’t make sense to me that I would feel this uncomfortable in my gut, but I had changed a few things about how I operated in a relationship. I thought I was learning from earlier mistakes and becoming a better person. I had been told by more than one fellow that I was too self sufficient and it made them feel they weren’t needed in my life. I always thought that was a compliment to a man, that I chose to be with them because I enjoyed their company not because I needed them. I had always been the one to end the relationship; because I always owned the home and I was the major wage earner at the end of the relationship I was the one to make sure they took enough from the relationship to start over on their own. Men never left a relationship with me worse off than when they came in. I had never cared what a man had or what kind of job he did, as long as he was hard-working I was willing to share what I had; to a degree. I never put a man’s name on my house, I kept the finances separate, I was protective of my assets because I worked hard for them, they were my security and I had a child to raise.

Then one day at work a woman I worked with, Janet got angry with me because I was saying I would never put a man’s name on my house. She had been married for 20+ years to the same man and thought that if I loved someone I should trust them enough to blindly put everything into joint names. We had quite a heated argument about it and I didn’t change my mind but it stayed with me. Also I had girlfriends who had men buy them expensive gifts, my one girlfriend even had a car bought for her but I I didn’t want to “owe” any man anything. I had been told that I was actually insulting men by not accepting gifts. When I met JC he seemed so perfect, all these things were running through my head. I was in my 40’s, not looking for a relationship BUT one appeared to have fallen in my lap and it seemed to be the love of a life time; I didn’t want to screw it up by being too independent. I decided to relax and not be so protective of my independence, allow a man to spoil me. I kept telling myself that was the uncomfortable feeling I was experiencing, I wasn’t used to allowing a man to do as much as JC did for me, I saw him more than I usually saw men I had just started dating, I figured it would take some time to feel comfortable with it all.

I even had a dream early in the relationship where JC was standing with his arm around another woman and laughing at me. I was crying, begging him to talk to me and he was kissing this other woman, they were both laughing at me and walked away. I woke up with a start, tears streaming down my face. JC wasn’t in bed, he was on the computer, I went and kneeled by his chair putting my hands on his leg, he looked at me; it was the first time I noticed something cold about how he looked at me but I chalked it up to my dream. I told him about my dream and he was not the least bit reassuring and basically acted annoyed to be interrupted. I asked him to come to bed and he said he would be there in a minute, I went to bed, eventually fell asleep and he came to bed sometimes later, we had sex and fell back to sleep. The next day I tried to put the dream out of my mind which I did for many years.

Little did I know that the dream was predicting what would come 10 years down the road.

Many times during the 10 years I was with JC I had gut instincts about something and even if I didn’t find out until years later, every gut instinct I had was proven right. I would tell myself that I was just getting used to his lies and a person didn’t have to be psychic to know he was going to have personal ads, or date other women. But there was more to it than that, we could go weeks, months, without me having a gut feeling about something and then out of the blue I would have a feeling he was up to something. I would try to ignore it, but it would be so strong it would start to occupy my every thought, gnawing at my stomach until I went snooping, which was totally out of character for me, I never snooped in previous relationships. It would seem as if I knew exactly where to look because it never took long to find some evidence of infidelity.

We have discussed gut instinct before and being able to sense danger, but I don’t think it has to be danger necessarily, I think we all have the ability to sense when we are being lied to. I know I say I never saw it coming but if I am honest I DID sense things were not right, I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was and was afraid if I walked away from JC I would be walking away from the greatest love of my life.

Related posts you may want to check out. https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/05/24/article-from-huffington-post/
https://ladywithatruck.com/2013/09/16/playing-russian-roulette-with-the-devil/
https://ladywithatruck.com/2014/01/02/resonse-to-how-do-we-know-if-a-person-is-a-narcissisr/

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You know its snowed in the middle of the night when you wake up and its very quiet outside. The snow muffles all the sounds.

They were saying it was going to really dump last night but I got home around midnight and nothing was falling yet. But there sure was a lot of the fluffy white stuff this morning.

I love snow; not -45 with the wind chill kind of snow but this kind of snow. The kind of snow that gives you a plausible reason to curl up on the couch for the day by the fireplace (even if its just an electric one). I like taking walks in this kind of snow, hearing the crunch as people walk by. Its supposed to be gone by Sunday but I’m enjoying it while I can.

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Looking up the weeping willow

Since I started painting I look at everything differently. Now when it snows I take note of how the trees look laden with snow, how the branches bend under the weight: even what the road looks like after the plow has been through.

You notice so much more once you have tried to paint a snow scene and all you end up with is a piece of white paper. Snow is white, our eyes see white and until you try to duplicate what you see unto a canvas you don’t realize how many different shades of white there are. I was quite happy for years, decades, thinking snow was white, until I tried to paint.

Once you learn there are shades of blue, grey, crisp white and soft white you never view it the same. Its the same with flowers or trees, to get depth you need shades of colour. To be real it must have shades of colour.

A narcissist is like that. They appear to be like everyone else. They appear to have emotions and seem to care and love but there is no depth to them. They aren’t real, or the image they project is not real. When they are in a relationship and the depth of their personality is tested it becomes apparent they have no depth of character. They are one colour, no shading, a blob of colour on a piece of paper.

Once you get to know them and realize they are a sham; even if you stay you can never view them the same. After you have been with a narcissist you can never view people the same. You get accustomed to looking for sharing, depth of character and can readily pick out the people who are a facade and those who are real.

It amazes me now how I got so sucked in by JC but I had never had to deal with a narcissist before. I had gone decades quite happily assuming all people were basically alike. We tend to think other people think like us, have feelings like us, that they hurt, love, feel guilt, remorse and if they get angry they have a good reason. So we don’t challenge what we see, we are happy in our ignorance.

But our innocence was taken away by the narcissist and now we have to face the facts and it can be an ugly truth, or it can be a rebirth and something positive. It took me a long time and I can’t honestly say I never think of JC and feel regret, or wish he had been different but I don’t allow myself to dwell on it. I have come away from it all with a greater appreciation for the good people in the world.

It is hard to describe, but once you have been away from the narcissist’s influence long enough you develop an appreciation for the beauty around and in you. I have never been more content with who I am than since the narcissist. He almost broke me, I don’t think I could have gotten much lower than I was, I can’t imagine it. I still have the same flaws in my character that I always had but I don’t stifle myself any more, I don’t second guess myself or doubt myself any more.

One thing that being with JC made me do was to look deep within, I took his criticism to heart and I forced myself to look at myself and my motives.

This is what I came up with; my motives are pure, they were when I was with him, I loved him, I am a good person and I never purposely set out to hurt anyone in my life. I may say something silly sometimes, I may ramble on at times, I speak my truth always and some people don’t like that kind of honesty.

For example while working with my son there were times I know I embarrassed him with my openness about living in poverty. He even said one night in front of everyone “Why do you have to bring up the past, I am trying to put my past behind me.” I wasn’t talking about him per say but to some degree my past is his past and I respect that. But he hadn’t been in on the conversation I was having either and just walked up at the point where I was sharing something from the past. It really wasn’t the topic of conversation. I walked away and went to my room. I was upset at first but then realized he didn’t know what we were talking about and he has a right to be upset but I have a right to speak about my life also. A couple of days later we were walking along and I said something about some times shocking people with my bluntness and he stopped and put his arm around my shoulder and said, “You have earned the right to say anything you damn well please.” and he is right I have, as long as I do it responsibly.

I am not a blob of colour or a sheet of white paper and neither are you, we have depth and shading, and character and we are all very special. Not everyone is going to love us but that’s ok as long as we live in honesty we don’t need everyone to love us. I don’t care what JC thinks of me any more because I know who I am and it feels great.

span class=”post_sig”>There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie