Tag Archives: Life

Eleven Things I Wish My 30’s Self Had Known

the-storm

If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change?

Because of the ripple effect I probably wouldn’t change a thing because it would mean giving up something else. Even with my experience with my ex, as horrible as it was; I wouldn’t change anything because it taught me so much about myself that I probably would not have learned otherwise.

Plus I used to lose sleep worrying that I would never find my purpose for being here on earth and I believe it is through my experiences in the past I am able to live my purpose through this blog and other outlets, like Quora.

Things DO happen for a reason, even if we can’t see that reason at the time that it is happening, later we realize there were very clear steps to getting where we are.

That said, this is what I wish I would have known 30 years ago, it is hard earned knowledge, will any 20-30 year old listen to me? I doubt it, growing up takes time and experience, some people are slow learners, some never learn and some people are too afraid to dig deep enough for real personal growth.

should-have-listened

#1. I wish I would have known how pretty I was while I was still pretty so I could have enjoyed it. (That may sound egotistical, but I think it is a common problem with women and men; we don’t realize how great we are just the way we are, that is understandable when you look at social media, magazine covers, etc)

A few years back I was looking through old photos at a friend’s house and kept coming across pictures of my ex husband snuggled up to the same sexy redhead. I was starting to get pissed, “who was this bitch?? and where was I??” Then I remembered I used to dye my hair red and it was me!

My brother and I were talking one day when I mentioned that, I was shocked when he agreed with me and said he wished he would have known how attractive he was when he was younger. I had always thought he was so confident. He had never had a hard time getting women, he was good looking and very charming his whole life. I had been the one who could always find flaws with myself and had been shy.

What difference would it have made in my life? Instead of dating more, I would have dated a lot less because I wouldn’t have been deriving my self worth from the men in my life. I have wasted a phenomenal amount of time thinking and worrying about men. Long before I met my ex, I would be immobilized waiting for the phone to ring, spend hours upon hours discussing with friends, “what do you think he meant by that?”, “Do you think he likes me?”, “Will he call?”, “Why hasn’t he called?”, “Should I call?” and then he would call and I would go on a date and wonder if he had a good time, did I say anything stupid? Omg! hours and hours wasted on dating guys I didn’t even particularly like.

#2. Your mind lies to you. I didn’t know this until I was in my early 50’s. I spent years as an anorexic/bulimic, from about 17 until I was in my 30’s. When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat person. I always felt grossly overweight, I put myself through hell. I finally joined a gym, started working out and drop kicked my scale out the back door, but it took years, I mean years! before I could look in the mirror and not think I looked fat. I was looking through old photos the other day and I was never fat!

So, if my mind could lie to me about the way I looked it could also lie to me about the narcissist is my life, or that I needed the narcissist, couldn’t live without him, and I just had to retrain my brain to think otherwise.

#3. Other people lie to you, even the people who love you, they don’t necessarily mean to do you harm, but your brain only knows the information it is fed; if you are fed erroneous information early in life you could grow up feeling like an imposter or feeling less than. You are not what other people say you are. No one knows who you truly are at the core, even you probably don’t know. I went most of my life not living true to my core self. I did certain things because I had been told I was that way by my father, mother, teachers, boyfriends, it was not until my ex totally broke me and I had to put myself back together that I realized I wasn’t being me. I spent so much time feeling like I was a fraud and people were going to pick up on the fact that I was not perfect and hate me. My house had to be spotless, I had to be skinny, I had to be the best mom, sister, daughter, employee, cook, host, and I drove myself crazy in the attempt. (psst…..no one is perfect, it isn’t even possible!)

My father used to bitch about my mom and even said to me, “You won’t be like your mother, you will always want sex and will want to please the man in your life.” “If you aren’t good I will take your brother and leave.” My mom used to criticize other people and say, “You would never do that.” “You will always keep your house clean.” “I wonder why that guy asked you out”, she was always on some new diet and talking about being fat.

I had some pretty fucked up beliefs about myself. I went to counselling and had come along way by the time I met my ex, but a narcissist is an expert on picking up on a person’s tender spots and I was unprepared for his insidious wearing away of my self confidence. It wasn’t until I was totally broken that I discovered who I am at the core and found my true core values.

#4. Being sensitive is NOT a flaw!! This is a  HUGE one!! OMG!!! my whole life I was told I was too sensitive, like it was a bad thing. The world needs sensitive people to balance it out. Where would the world be without sensitive people, we would all be a bunch of Trumps! But it is not an excuse for letting yourself get caught up with an asshole either. You have to learn to know when you are being played for a fool and when you aren’t. Often times I hear a victim say, “I can’t help it, I am sensitive, it’s just the way I am.” Everyone can change or learn to control certain behaviors that are unhealthy for them.

#5. It is not my job to make sure everyone is happy, safe and not suffering. I can not and do not have to fix the world.  If someone has a problem, I don’t have to fix it. In fact, by always taking control and fixing things for everyone I was sending them the message that I didn’t think they were capable.

#6. Not everyone is going to like you. You don’t like everyone, you don’t have to, and neither does anyone else. There are going to be people who like you, love you, hate you and who are indifferent to you; none of it reflects your worth. It just means we are all different. The people who have to be “right”, which makes you “wrong” are narrow minded and limiting; try to surround yourself with people who don’t have to be right and can appreciate other’s differences. And just because you have a different value or  belief does not make you special or right and the other person wrong. I learned the hard way that judgements have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

#7. You don’t have to make decisions immediately and it is ok to change your mind, especially if the person you have made plans with changes the rules. If someone is pressuring you to make a decision, it is probably because they are afraid that if you think about it too long you will realize it is not a good idea and not in your best interest. The best thing to do when you don’t know what to do; is nothing. Things have a way of working out on their own.(It may not be the resolution WE wanted, but there will be a resolution, and it will be the right resolution) Often times when we rush to make a decision it’s because we know it is wrong and if we wait we won’t get what we want. A great example is when the ex narc comes back loving bombing the victim wanting them to try again, making all sorts of promises and the victim feels pressured to say yes. Pressure from the narc but pressure from themselves also; they are afraid that if they don’t say yes right away they will lose the narc. If you lose the narc because you needed time for him to prove he is a changed man, to build your trust again, and prove he is a man of his word; well that is your answer right there.

#8. I am not invincible or better able to recover from hardship than the next person; but I am far stronger than I ever knew or gave myself credit for. You don’t know how strong you are until you are on the other side. When you think you can’t survive remember, you already are. If it was easy, we wouldn’t need strength. Just like a bodybuilder doesn’t know how much weight he can lift until he lifts it and the more he lifts the more he can lift. You don’t know what you are capable of surviving until you do it and the more you go through the stronger those emotional muscles get. All you have to do is look at where you came from to know you are strong enough. If you focus on repeating over and over again, “I am not strong enough” you will feel weak, if you focus on, “I have been surviving for X amount of time, I am strong” you will feel stronger. This takes us back to #1, our brain only knows what we put in it, change the way you talk to yourself and your mind will start thinking differently. I remember the moment I went from being a victim to being a survivor; it was when I realized that I had been saying, “I can not do this one more day.” for something like 700 days, I HAD been doing it for 700 days!

#9. Listening to my gut instincts would have saved me a whole lot of heartache in life. If you wait to see if your gut instinct was right it will be too late, trust your instincts know better than you. I heard a guest on Oprah one time, a detective of some sort, say that any survivor of a rape he had interviewed told him that they ” had a feeling” to not go into the building or go down that street, or whatever put them in danger. Our gut instincts may not see logical at the time and we tend to rationalize things to ourselves  in order to stifle that inner voice.

#10. How people treat me has far less to do with who I am and a whole lot more to do with who they are. If someone treats me badly it is not a sign I have done something wrong or need to change; it probably means that this person should not be in my life and they have issues.

#11. What we plan for, what we hope for, how we see our lives being in the future, very rarely comes to be and as disappointing as it may be, we have to pick up and make the best of it, learn a lesson from it, use it to grow and be a better person, help others with our knowledge, and just carry on best we can. Lamenting, “But that’s not fair!” never solves anything and isn’t going to change anything.

 

None of us know where our lives will take us, even if we are in total control of our life, we can’t control the lives of other people and there are going to be times someone makes a decision that affects your life, peace of mind and happiness. The best laid plans can go south in a heartbeat and if you want to be happy, you had better learn to go with the flow. Thirty years ago I certainly didn’t envision my life being what it is at almost 60. I didn’t have any grand plans for my life but I didn’t think it was even possible for me to be homeless, or that a man would ever hit me and I would stick around, or that I would end up with no money and a ruined credit rating, or heart failure.

I also never imagined my writing helping thousands of people or being published on a website that is in the top 10 sites in the world, or being interviewed on talk radio. I never knew I had talent painting and that someday I would live off of money I made from selling my painted creations. There were times I didn’t think my son would live past 20 and I was brought to my knees with grief and worry over him and now he is a man I am so proud of my heart fills to overflowing. It is so nice to see your child grow into someone you not only love, but someone you really really like.

I have no regrets because I can’t, life doesn’t come with any guarantees, don’t we all want a fairytale life with no pain, troubles, trauma or broken hearts. Very few people, if anyone, gets that. There are so many people who have suffered far more than I have. People who have lost a child to a drunk driver or some psycho. They just found a woman who was held captive since August in a shipping container, she watched her husband get shot dead by her kidnapper. Why did that happen to her? who knows, there are evil psychopaths in the world who commit horrible crimes against humanity. Life sucks sometimes, I don’t understand why a baby has to die, or why a good kind person gets abused and taken advantage of.  All I do know it; there is evil in the world, and you protect yourself best you can and then just live life the best you can.

 

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Just In Case You Were Feeling Sorry For Yourself Today

I watched this video today and felt foolish for how I reacted when James and I split. I don’t mean to diminish your pain or mine for that matter. Yes we hurt and we had/have every right to hurt, to be angry, and to complain about how unfair life can be. 

But when you watch this beautiful young woman speak, the way her eyes light up, her inner beauty and listen to her attitude about the challenges she has faced, you see what true strength is and realize life isn’t fair. The good guy gets shit on once in a while, for no reason, we can let it eat us up and wear our pain like a badge or we can dust ourselves off and get on with living. I don’t mean you have to pretend you aren’t hurting or “just get over it”, everyone is entitled to how ever long it takes to heal. You have been through hell and back and you deserve your healing time.

What I am talking about is; not letting it define you, knowing that you will heal and your life will go on and it will be up to you how you live the rest of your life. 

Personally, I don’t want to forget James or the hell I went through, I don’t want to dwell in victimhood, I want to be a glowing example of someone who over came obstacles and went on to live a happy productive life. I took 3 years to heal and I don’t deny you your 3 years. I just ask that every day you find one thing to be thankful for and for you to believe you will have your time in the sun and to be happy and loved, especially if you can view your experience as a life lesson that made you a better person, and you take your new knowledge and go out into the world more aware and willing to use your experiences to help others who come behind you.

You don’t have to have a soap box, blog or hold fund raisers for domestic abuse awareness, all you have to do is; when given the opportunity to speak out at the lunch table when people are judging victims, or when you see a woman being abused you reach out to her, or you enlighten some one. You will have the opportunity to change someone’s life if you look for it.

Shake off the shame and embarrassment of having been abused, stand proud and speak your truth, you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor and you are alive and as long as you are alive you can change the world, your world and the world of people you meet day to day.

I think back to the time when I wanted to take my own life, how ridiculous of me, how selfish of me. But I saw no hope, no chance of my life ever being worth living. I let the fear that James was right take hold and it almost won, isn’t that what the devil wants? to rid the world of the kind and caring people? 

I am not trying to blow my own horn because there was nothing intentional about my actions, I started the blog for totally selfish reasons. I was desperately reaching out to the infinite internet for someone who would give me a reason to live and I found it coming to me from all corners of the world. I can’t tell you how many people have been helped by that act of desperation. I don’t know exactly when it switched from me needing to me giving; but it is all the same thing really. Every time I help someone I heal a little bit myself because every time I hear “you have really helped me” I have another answer for the question, “Why me?”

This young woman died two weeks after giving this Tedx talk. Watching it made me even more determined to live my life to the fullest and be the best I can be with whatever time I have and even more determined to not let the likes of someone like James steal any more of my precious time/life.

The Science of Happiness

How can you tell it is the first rainy day in about a month? Carrie has watched a bunch of inspirational videos and is passing them along to you! Soul Pancake has become one of my favorite video makers. What they say usually makes a lot of sense. 

They say that the secret to happiness is gratitude and I have found that to be true in my life. I have been down at times and thought, “What the hell do I have to be thankful for?” But there is always something. I have not exactly been on a the fast track to success lately or jumping with joy. Many of the things I thought would bring me happiness have eluded me. Like the post I did this morning about Gillian Bennett, the woman who chose to take her own life instead of slowly die with Dementia and had her husband of 57 years there holding her hand. I will never get to experience that kind of love, not 57 years of it any way and that kinda makes me sad. The longest relationship I’ve had was 10 years and it was abusive. If I were to dwell on it I could make myself quite sad and depressed over it but I don’t dwell on it; it is a fact in my life. One aspect of my life.

I have a son who I am immensely proud of, who loves his momma and called me this weekend to see what I thought of a decision he was making. I doubt my opinion would have changed his mind one way or the other but he needed verification he wasn’t “F’n crazy” (to quote him) and I told him he was asking the wrong person. How does crazy know what crazy looks like, I thought it was a great idea to buy a 40′ yacht and live on board in False Creek Vancouver. I say if you got the means and you’ve got the desire you do what makes you happy and personally I love the ocean and what better place to live? What better place for me to visit? I thank God for my son every single day. 

Every morning I have gratitude for where I live and it didn’t sell this summer so that gives me another winter in the cabin and another year to figure out a way to buy it. But it didn’t sell because it is over priced and there are nicer, cheaper ones in here for sale so who knows, maybe it is not supposed to be this one. I have faith that what is meant to happen will happen when it is time for it to happen. 

I have gone months living on $610 a month, an impossibility; but I have made it through by painting things, selling some things and the odd donation. Almost daily I wonder how I will make it through but somehow I do and for that I am filled with gratitude.

In this video they ask the people who had the most influential person has been in their life. I thought of my son but you know who the most influential person has been, who had the most positive effect on my life; James. Not that it was his intention to be a positive anything in my life, not that he encouraged me to be the best I could be or gave me an example of the kind of person I want to be. But he was the person who made me look at myself honestly. He stripped me down to nothing and I had to put myself back together and ultimately it was the most transforming experience, the biggest growth experience and the greatest learning experience I have ever had. It set me on a totally different life course, took me to a place where my natural abilities and passion to help others are utilized and helping others. It’s really hard to be thankful for that kind of hurt but I am glad I am where I am and I don’t know how I would have gotten here any other way.

In the video they have to call the person they have gratitude for but have no fear I will not be calling James to thank him because like I said it’s not like he did it for my benefit, it was just a lucky byproduct of him trying to destroy me. It could have gone the other way, the way he planned it go to; me dying either by his hand or mine. But none the less, he was the catalyst that brought me here.

Check out the video here

The Dash

I am still helping my little brother move. Final day, thank the good Lord!!
There was one box that was falling apart and a card fell out. It was from my the funeral of my cousin’s husband. I think I have mentioned this poem before and I forget now who wrote it but it bares repeating. I take consolation in the fact that when I die people will have something good to say about me and even if they don’t I will know I didmy best to not hurt anyone and to help others.
The narcissist will never have that and he may not even care. To him, everyone standing around talking about how he ruined their lives will be proof he succeeded in being memorable, no one will ever forget him.
But I prefer to be remembered for much more honorable things don’t you?

And we don’t know how long we are here for, fo you want to spend your dash – catering to someone without a soul?

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on his tombstone
From the beginning – to the end.

He noted that first came the date of his birth
And spoke of the following date with tears
But he said, “what matters most of all
Is the dash – between those years”.

For that dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth…
And now only those who who loved him
Know what that little line – is worth.

For it matters not how much we own
The cars…the house…the cash
What matters most is how we live and love
And him we spend our dash –

So think about this long and hard..
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
You could be at dash – midrange.

If we could just a slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile…
Remembering that this special dash –
Might only last awhile.

So when your eulogy’s being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash -?

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

My Thanksgiving Wishes to You

For months now every time I hear this song I think of everyone here on the blog. In my imagination I see us all fist pumping the air and saying to the Narc,

“Its our time now
this is not a funeral this is a revolution, our tears have turned to rage
We are holding our heads high and we aren’t living on the bottom any more. together we can do this!!”

I love you guys, this Thanksgiving I am thankful for all the wonderful people I have met through here, I am more grateful than words can ever express for the encouragement, emotional and financial support. People say they don’t know what they would have done without this blog; I feel the same way. I may have started it, but it is much bigger than me; it’s the people who come here who make it what it is.

God bless you all

I want some fist pumping happening when you play the song and when you get down and want to make contact or think you can’t do it play this song and picture all of us behind you, or holding you up if that is what it takes.

“People Like Us”

We come into this world unknown
But know that we are not alone
They try and knock us down
But change is coming, it’s our time now

Hey… everybody loses it,
Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
And hey… yeah I know what you’re going through
Don’t let it get the best of you, you’ll make it out alive
Ohh

People like us we’ve gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Hey, this is not a funeral
It’s a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage
Just wait, everything will be okay
Even when you’re feeling like it’s going down in flames
Ohh

People like us we’ve gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
You’ve just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

They can’t do nothing to you, they can’t do nothing to me
This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed
So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare
Tonight we’re gonna change forever

Everybody loses it, everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
Ohh

People like us we’ve gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
You’ve just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We’re all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
You’ve just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Food for Thought On Healing

live not surviveWhy do we hurt when our partner was abusive and didn’t give us what we needed anyway, “I am better off without him; I know it, but it still hurts so bad.”

It hurts because even if the person is not meeting your needs you still had hope that one day they would have an epiphany and eventually they would return to being the person you met. We become addicted to the hope of love. I remember feeling exactly that when JC got involved with M, up until then I still had “hope”, I didn’t know what would happen but i hoped and deep down believed that I would spent the rest of my life with JC, maybe we would break up and make up for ever more, I had accepted that “it was just the way we were”.So when he moved in with M and totally discarded me, told me I made his life hell and he had found the love of his life and I should just kill myself, what I grieved was the loss of hope. I knew she would end up like I did, being lied to but I wanted him to be lying to me, I wanted the false hope, it was better than no hope.

take timeOur minds heal faster than our hearts. In our mind we say we need to get on with life, he treated us poorly or like shit. We will even have some good days where we actually feel we are healing, we can even feel hope for the future and we believe we are going to be ok. Then out of seemingly no where we are hit with a wave of grief and we are alarmed, we think omg will I ever heal? We feel almost as bad as we did in the beginning. I call this a “healing crisis” and It is a very natural part of healing.

Our  heart heals in waves, like the ocean. when the tide is out we feel not too bad, hopeful for the future, then the tide comes in we are overwhelmed with unresolved feels we have to work through in order to heal. Some times the waves of pain, much like the waves in the ocean come in and then retreat over and over again, every time the tide goes out we feel a little bit stronger and then…… a storm comes up and the waves crash against the rocky shoreline, We are crushed by the waves of pain battering us again. The tide will retreat again and when it does you will feel a little bit stronger a little more healed but you have to weather the storm, knowing it is a normal part of healing.

While with the narcissist/psychopath we were in constant chaos, drama after drama, he did it on purpose because he needs the drama and the attention it brings, he needs conflict (as much as he always said he didn’t and blamed you for causing conflict all the time) to keep us off balance and in the process we blocked some of the pain, or didn’t even have time to deal with some of the pain because we were in the midst of another narcissistic rage before we had a chance.

I know that when my sister in-law related things he did to me I didn’t even remember some of the incidents. When you are healing, as you heal from all the pain inflicted over the course of the relationship old hurts are brought to the forefront. You couldn’t physically deal with all the pain at once so as you heal your heart adds a little more pain for you to deal with. You HAVE  to deal with all that pain or healing can not happen. If you continue to bury your pain it will come out at some point, maybe even years down the road when you least expect it and when it doesn’t make sense. You will be triggered by something, perhaps something your new man does and out of seemingly no where you will have a melt down. Pain is uncomfortable but so necessary for healing to occur.

There are 4 emotions we must feel in order to heal, anger, sadness, fear and sorrow; we must deal with all four in order to fully heal. Even if we are happy to leave the relationship and think we aren’t sad or afraid of being alone those feelings are buried somewhere and will cause negative reactions later in our life. Some people won’t allow themselves to feel anger, perhaps growing up they weren’t allowed to feel anger, (I know I wasn’t) so it is an uncomfortable feeling and we don’t deal with it or we deal with it in an unhealthy manner.

Everyone has a need to be loved, if a person is single long enough they find love in many places, with friends, family, pets, there are so many ways to feel loved. But when we are in a committed relationship we replace our need for love with a need for our partner’s love and forget how to feel loved any other way. We have to relearn to love and receive love from other sources.

what i becomeOften times people will attempt to fill the emptiness they feel by focusing on something else so they don’t have to feel the pain, they focus on the children and being “super parent” or they become promiscuous, become a workaholic  or bury themselves in charitable work. It only delays the healing but if done within reason and not as a replacement it can help in the healing because it takes you “out of your self-centeredness. Some times we don’t want to let go of the pain, it soothes us, we start to need the pain to feel at all, and it keeps us attached to the N, as long as we are hurting because of him he is still part of our life. if we let go of the pain we let go of him. Some times we don’t want to be happy and it feels more natural to complain and whine about how he hurt us and how we will never heal, we are damaged for life, never to love again, we hurt more than any one else, our love was stronger than any one else’s. Some how our pain is more intense and all consuming more than anyone else’s pain. We get so focused on our pain we can’t see anything else, we shrivel up into ourselves projecting to the world that we are the walking wounded. We don’t smile, we want people to see our pain, but you know what? people really don’t care, they shy away from people in pain, they have their own pain and for the most part people don’t want to listen to your pain. People are much more apt to relate to someone’s pain if they see the person trying to do something to heal their pain. I know people got damn sick of me leaving JC, crying and complaining and then turning around and going back for more. As soon as people see you are really trying to heal and not nurturing your pain, but nurturing your soul they will start reaching out to you with offers of help and understanding.

I found I felt so much better when I performed random acts of kindness. Whenever I get really down I do this, which is stupid; I should do it all the time and not just because I feel shitty. But throughout my day I would be very aware of the people around me and when the “voice” told me to help a person I did. I’ll give you a few examples:

One day it was torrential rain and the wind was blowing, I saw I little old lady struggling with a shopping cart trying to get it up over the curb and onto the sidewalk. The light changed and I had to go but there was this little voice saying, “Give the little old lady a ride home”. I had Kato in the truck and I told myself she wouldn’t want to get in my dirty truck, but by the time I got to the corner I decided to circle the block, by the time I got to her she had managed to get her shopping cart on the sidewalk but I stopped anyway and offered her a ride. She declined but the look on her face made my day. Who knows what she was thinking as she struggled with her cart in the cold rain, maybe she was feeling totally alone and unloved and by stopping she knows that someone cared enough to stop. I know in my heart I did something good that day, that lady needed me to stop.

I don’t give to everyone I see with their hand out, but if God puts it on my heart I will give whatever he tells me to. I have been down to my last $30 and God put it on my heart to walk up and give someone $20, I would argue with him and say, “I’ll give them 1/2 what I have, $15 but he will say, “No you have to give the whole $20.” So I will. Without fail whenever I have done that the person has said that is exactly what they needed, I had answered their prayers. One time I saw 3 people sitting on the concrete at a strip mall, they had a dog and they were digging through their pockets looking for money. They weren’t begging, no sign asking for money but that voice inside said to buy them some food. So first I went to the pet store and bought the dog some food then I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant I go to often and asked her to give me the 3 dish special. I asked her what was her most popular dishes were and she asked who it was for. When I told her it was for the 3 people sitting outside her restaurant she just beamed and in her broken English told me that she would take care of it. She loaded up 3 big take out containers with the best heartiest food she had, lots of sweet and sour boneless, chow mien and I think bread chicken. I walked out and said to the people, “I hope I won’t offend you but I just picked this up for you and something for your dog.” They were so taken back and so grateful. And I felt like a million bucks.

inspirational_quotes_on_giving_upTry it, you will see how it transforms your life. And you know what? I have never had to do without whenever I have given to someone, God always finds a way to get me through. I have so many amazing stories of how karma came back to me every time i listened to “the voice” and I will dedicate a whole post to it soon because I think it is well worth repeating and it just proves we are not alone in this life and we are all important and a part of the whole. We all make a difference in the world, if we can pull our heads out of our a$$es long enough to see the pain all around us. When you reach out to someone else you can’t help but feel better about yourself and for love of God, you have been giving to a self serving, mean spirited person until you had nothing left and didn’t get appreciated for it, in fact you got abused for it. If you are that giving a person then give to someone who will appreciate it. It takes you out of your comfort zone, I was so afraid to approach people at first, for fear they would be offended and tell me to F off. Don’t put yourself in danger, you don’t even have to go looking for someone to help, in fact that isn’t what I am saying at all. I am saying to go about your life, only do it with your head up, eyes open and in tune with that tiny voice, your gut, whatever you want to call it. some people are more aware of that inner voice than other but you can develop the skill of hearing your inner voice.

Well I have to run to the store for more heart meds so I will do another post on small miracles and inner peace later.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful Sunday.

With love and hugs

Why Did I Fight So Hard?

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It nerve seems to get old

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I walked in the door last night after another great day at the lake and out my back door I see the silloette of a Heron. It never gets old and always makes me so very grateful for my new life. How many people get to see that every single day? The eagles, baby ducks, the bird life period is a constant source of enjoyment. I saw the most beautiful bright yellow bird yesterday, a huge butterfly, tiny guppies along the shore, watched a Heron as he tried to swallow a big fish whole.

I watched water skiers, kayakers, people on air mattresses and one fellow who has modifed his jeep with pontoons and cruises the lake. I joined in the chorus of people from all the houses along the shore and yelled at a few seadoos and speed boats to “SLOW DOWN” as they passed the houses, watched the parade of decorated party barges as they took part in the annual “Floatilla”, ate a huge pancake breakfast up at our little community hall and wandered from neighbour to neighbour stopping for some chit chat.

I was stopped as I walked home by a group of grandma’s, uncles and children decorated the road with side walk chalk art who informed me I could not pass until I drew something.

My biggest complaint is that a misquito bit the bottom of my foot at some point. I can handle it!!

I remember 13 years ago moving here with JC, full of hopes and dreams for “our” future. Oh how wonderful it was going to be.

Funny of new love does that to you; in my 40’s and feeling like a 20 year old, anything was possible. Love conquerred all and as long as we had each other we would make it through anything. We were embarking on our new life together, my soul mate and I. Everything we had been through in our lives had led us to each other and life was just beginning.

We weren’t there 6 months before he strangled me for the first time, it was only 7 months before he decked me in the kitchen and knocked me out when I head bashed against the cupboard.

The abuse had started the day we moved in, that was the first time he tied into me out of the blue throwing me into a tail spin I only recently pulled out of.

It amazes me that a full grown woman would spend 10 years clinging to a promise made by a man she had known 6 months of her 45 years on this earth.

Clinging to a PROMISE, year after year, long after we had moved from the lake I clung to that promise. I fought so hard to keep a relationship based on promises and lies and continual disappointment and more promises. Until the promises of a better life no longer consisted of life by a lake but hollow promises of no more abuse, infidelity or lies. And those promises weren’t kept either.

I prayed for this exact house in 2009, even though I had never seen it physically I had seen it in my mind. I didn’t think it was possible because of my finances etc. But I prayed. Then I expected my prayers to be answered some how through JC. But they never were.

I got angry with God, screamed at him, “What the hell do you want from me?? Just tell me what you want and I’ll do it!!”
But I wasn’t ready.

I had to be homeless, sleep in my truck, live in hell holes (I am an Aries, stubborn and independent to a fault).

You know how you always hear about people who find money they didn’t know they had? I have always known exactly how much money I don’t have. No fear of me forgetting about a few thousand dollars!

When the home owner came to me and said I had 2 weeks to come up with almost $3000 I had no idea how I would do it. My truck had been down for over a month, well you know the story. People were wonderful and donated hundreds, which kept the bills paid, kept me fed but certainly wasn’t going to produce the thousands I would need. Then I got sick, I was out of options.

Just days before I went into the hospital my mom reminded me of some money I got almost 20 yrs ago.

I had worked for Fraser Valley Foods for 12 years when they closed the doors. We all got severance packages which included RRSP funds that the company had contributed to. I got about $30,000, $5,000 of which was locked in until retirement age.
I cashed in $25,000 back in the late 1990’s. The other $5000 I invested and forgot about because it was locked in. I received a statement every year and after a crash in the stock market around 2000, my funds had shrunk to almost nothing. I moved with JC and never bothered to send the investment company a change of address.

I called them about two weeks ago, and yes they had my returned statements and yes they were able to find my investments, and yes, because it came to under $10,000 I would be able to withdraw them before retirement age.

Of course income tax has to take their 20% right off the top (which I will get back when I file my taxes) and it isn’t much, just over $4000; but it IS enough to pay every thing I need to in order for the sale of the cabin to go through, and hopefully buy myself some sort of cheap transportation.

The cheque came in the mail the day after I came home from the hospital.

Do you have any idea how many times I would have used that money over the last 12 years??

Do you know how pissed off JC would be to know that I had that money all that time and he didn’t manage to get his hands on it?? I half expect to get a phone call from him demanding the money for something he thinks I owe him for.

God was listening, he was just waiting for ME to wake up and pay attention.

DO NOT EVER GIVE UP!!
and whatever you do, don’t bank on another person to full fill your hopes and dreams.

I am right back where I was 13 years ago almost exactly to the day, fullfilling my hopes and dreams. Don’t waste over 10 years of your life like I did.

Happy Canada!!

Love and Hugs from your Canadian friend
Carrie

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck