Why do we hurt when our partner was abusive and didn’t give us what we needed anyway, “I am better off without him; I know it, but it still hurts so bad.”
It hurts because even if the person is not meeting your needs you still had hope that one day they would have an epiphany and eventually they would return to being the person you met. We become addicted to the hope of love. I remember feeling exactly that when JC got involved with M, up until then I still had “hope”, I didn’t know what would happen but i hoped and deep down believed that I would spent the rest of my life with JC, maybe we would break up and make up for ever more, I had accepted that “it was just the way we were”.So when he moved in with M and totally discarded me, told me I made his life hell and he had found the love of his life and I should just kill myself, what I grieved was the loss of hope. I knew she would end up like I did, being lied to but I wanted him to be lying to me, I wanted the false hope, it was better than no hope.
Our minds heal faster than our hearts. In our mind we say we need to get on with life, he treated us poorly or like shit. We will even have some good days where we actually feel we are healing, we can even feel hope for the future and we believe we are going to be ok. Then out of seemingly no where we are hit with a wave of grief and we are alarmed, we think omg will I ever heal? We feel almost as bad as we did in the beginning. I call this a “healing crisis” and It is a very natural part of healing.
Our heart heals in waves, like the ocean. when the tide is out we feel not too bad, hopeful for the future, then the tide comes in we are overwhelmed with unresolved feels we have to work through in order to heal. Some times the waves of pain, much like the waves in the ocean come in and then retreat over and over again, every time the tide goes out we feel a little bit stronger and then…… a storm comes up and the waves crash against the rocky shoreline, We are crushed by the waves of pain battering us again. The tide will retreat again and when it does you will feel a little bit stronger a little more healed but you have to weather the storm, knowing it is a normal part of healing.
While with the narcissist/psychopath we were in constant chaos, drama after drama, he did it on purpose because he needs the drama and the attention it brings, he needs conflict (as much as he always said he didn’t and blamed you for causing conflict all the time) to keep us off balance and in the process we blocked some of the pain, or didn’t even have time to deal with some of the pain because we were in the midst of another narcissistic rage before we had a chance.
I know that when my sister in-law related things he did to me I didn’t even remember some of the incidents. When you are healing, as you heal from all the pain inflicted over the course of the relationship old hurts are brought to the forefront. You couldn’t physically deal with all the pain at once so as you heal your heart adds a little more pain for you to deal with. You HAVE to deal with all that pain or healing can not happen. If you continue to bury your pain it will come out at some point, maybe even years down the road when you least expect it and when it doesn’t make sense. You will be triggered by something, perhaps something your new man does and out of seemingly no where you will have a melt down. Pain is uncomfortable but so necessary for healing to occur.
There are 4 emotions we must feel in order to heal, anger, sadness, fear and sorrow; we must deal with all four in order to fully heal. Even if we are happy to leave the relationship and think we aren’t sad or afraid of being alone those feelings are buried somewhere and will cause negative reactions later in our life. Some people won’t allow themselves to feel anger, perhaps growing up they weren’t allowed to feel anger, (I know I wasn’t) so it is an uncomfortable feeling and we don’t deal with it or we deal with it in an unhealthy manner.
Everyone has a need to be loved, if a person is single long enough they find love in many places, with friends, family, pets, there are so many ways to feel loved. But when we are in a committed relationship we replace our need for love with a need for our partner’s love and forget how to feel loved any other way. We have to relearn to love and receive love from other sources.
Often times people will attempt to fill the emptiness they feel by focusing on something else so they don’t have to feel the pain, they focus on the children and being “super parent” or they become promiscuous, become a workaholic or bury themselves in charitable work. It only delays the healing but if done within reason and not as a replacement it can help in the healing because it takes you “out of your self-centeredness. Some times we don’t want to let go of the pain, it soothes us, we start to need the pain to feel at all, and it keeps us attached to the N, as long as we are hurting because of him he is still part of our life. if we let go of the pain we let go of him. Some times we don’t want to be happy and it feels more natural to complain and whine about how he hurt us and how we will never heal, we are damaged for life, never to love again, we hurt more than any one else, our love was stronger than any one else’s. Some how our pain is more intense and all consuming more than anyone else’s pain. We get so focused on our pain we can’t see anything else, we shrivel up into ourselves projecting to the world that we are the walking wounded. We don’t smile, we want people to see our pain, but you know what? people really don’t care, they shy away from people in pain, they have their own pain and for the most part people don’t want to listen to your pain. People are much more apt to relate to someone’s pain if they see the person trying to do something to heal their pain. I know people got damn sick of me leaving JC, crying and complaining and then turning around and going back for more. As soon as people see you are really trying to heal and not nurturing your pain, but nurturing your soul they will start reaching out to you with offers of help and understanding.
I found I felt so much better when I performed random acts of kindness. Whenever I get really down I do this, which is stupid; I should do it all the time and not just because I feel shitty. But throughout my day I would be very aware of the people around me and when the “voice” told me to help a person I did. I’ll give you a few examples:
One day it was torrential rain and the wind was blowing, I saw I little old lady struggling with a shopping cart trying to get it up over the curb and onto the sidewalk. The light changed and I had to go but there was this little voice saying, “Give the little old lady a ride home”. I had Kato in the truck and I told myself she wouldn’t want to get in my dirty truck, but by the time I got to the corner I decided to circle the block, by the time I got to her she had managed to get her shopping cart on the sidewalk but I stopped anyway and offered her a ride. She declined but the look on her face made my day. Who knows what she was thinking as she struggled with her cart in the cold rain, maybe she was feeling totally alone and unloved and by stopping she knows that someone cared enough to stop. I know in my heart I did something good that day, that lady needed me to stop.
I don’t give to everyone I see with their hand out, but if God puts it on my heart I will give whatever he tells me to. I have been down to my last $30 and God put it on my heart to walk up and give someone $20, I would argue with him and say, “I’ll give them 1/2 what I have, $15 but he will say, “No you have to give the whole $20.” So I will. Without fail whenever I have done that the person has said that is exactly what they needed, I had answered their prayers. One time I saw 3 people sitting on the concrete at a strip mall, they had a dog and they were digging through their pockets looking for money. They weren’t begging, no sign asking for money but that voice inside said to buy them some food. So first I went to the pet store and bought the dog some food then I went to a Chinese buffet restaurant I go to often and asked her to give me the 3 dish special. I asked her what was her most popular dishes were and she asked who it was for. When I told her it was for the 3 people sitting outside her restaurant she just beamed and in her broken English told me that she would take care of it. She loaded up 3 big take out containers with the best heartiest food she had, lots of sweet and sour boneless, chow mien and I think bread chicken. I walked out and said to the people, “I hope I won’t offend you but I just picked this up for you and something for your dog.” They were so taken back and so grateful. And I felt like a million bucks.
Try it, you will see how it transforms your life. And you know what? I have never had to do without whenever I have given to someone, God always finds a way to get me through. I have so many amazing stories of how karma came back to me every time i listened to “the voice” and I will dedicate a whole post to it soon because I think it is well worth repeating and it just proves we are not alone in this life and we are all important and a part of the whole. We all make a difference in the world, if we can pull our heads out of our a$$es long enough to see the pain all around us. When you reach out to someone else you can’t help but feel better about yourself and for love of God, you have been giving to a self serving, mean spirited person until you had nothing left and didn’t get appreciated for it, in fact you got abused for it. If you are that giving a person then give to someone who will appreciate it. It takes you out of your comfort zone, I was so afraid to approach people at first, for fear they would be offended and tell me to F off. Don’t put yourself in danger, you don’t even have to go looking for someone to help, in fact that isn’t what I am saying at all. I am saying to go about your life, only do it with your head up, eyes open and in tune with that tiny voice, your gut, whatever you want to call it. some people are more aware of that inner voice than other but you can develop the skill of hearing your inner voice.
Well I have to run to the store for more heart meds so I will do another post on small miracles and inner peace later.
I hope everyone is having a peaceful Sunday.
With love and hugs