Tag Archives: living an authentic life

Life Goals Through Painful Times

When we leave the narcissist; because the truth is, in the end, most of us have to do the physical leaving. Even though he treats you like shit and says its over, he never actually leaves, but keeps hoovering and blaming us for the failed relationship. It is such an extremely painful time, you are losing what you believe is your soul mate, being blamed for it AND have to find the strength to physically move and often times you are losing your career, lifestyle, friends and family at the same time. For victims of a narcissist it is often the bleakest time of their life.

So how do you survive it, move on from it, find happiness again, ever trust a man again?

First of all, allow yourself to grieve and accept that you are going to hurt for awhile, perhaps a long while. You will shorten the length of time you hurt by not picking at the scab. Like any injury, it takes longer to heal if you keep ripping the scab off. How many times in your childhood did you hear, “Stop picking at the scab! It will leave a scar.”

Every time you allow the narcissist into your life by not maintaining no contact, you are in essence ripping the scab off. If you want to stop hurting, stop doing the thing that hurts you. I remember thinking, “I will feel so much better if I can tell him what I really think.” Or thinking I had an epiphany and needed to share my new awareness with him. OR I discovered another lie he had told me and I needed to confront him. But, you know something, every single time I contacted him I ended up feeling worse. I never ever felt better.

At first, just a text or quick phone call got me through the day, satisfied my addiction. All I needed was a few words. A text saying how was your day, anything at all. But it never failed, it always ended up with him not replying to my text for days and me waiting. Or I had an epiphany about our relationship (like he is a narcissist) and wanted to share it with him. It never gave me the satisfaction I thought it would because a narcissist isn’t interested in learning, growing, or the truth. He will never admit to fault, will always blame you and will twist the facts and rewrite history to suit him and hurt you. The only way you win against a narcissist is when you refuse to engage.

Whatever you do, don’t tell him he is narcissist, it will not go the way you think/hope it will. He will NOT feel terrible, remorseful, or shame. He WILL accuse you of being a narcissist and tell all your friends that you are the narcissist and he is the victim.

Understand this, once you know what you are dealing with, the responsibility for your pain shifts from his shoulders to yours. Not past pain, that was his fault, but stopping future pain, is all your responsibility. The future is what YOU make it.

Don’t make being a victim your identity. Once you leave the relationship, you are no longer a victim of abuse, you are a survivor of abuse. Act like a survivor. Being a victim can get comfortable, it’s kinda convenient to never take responsibility for your life. People don’t like to hang around victims though, people get sick of a person always whining about how they are the victim. Truth be told, life sucks sometimes and bad things happen to good people.

Life isn’t always fair. When you are in the depths of despair and think you can’t survive, think about what other people have gone through, survived, and found happiness. No matter how bad things are in your life, there is always someone dealing with worse. For example; my cousin was married to her true soul mate, after an abusive relationship ended, she met the love of her life. At almost 40 she had her first child. And then her husband died of cancer. How is that fair?

I reminded myself of that when I started to say things like “Why me!?” Sure, she didn’t have to see him loving someone else, rubbing salt into the wound. Isn’t it self absorbed to think she would hurt less than you? She lost her real true soul mate. You lost a fake asshole who tried to destroy you, are you going to let him? Or, are you going to prove to him that he under estimated your strength.

What about the women who, trying to escape brutality, starvation, traveled through a living hell to get to the US seeking safety and asylum only to have their children ripped from their arms and taken away forever, and then were sent back to the country they were running from. How does she survive?

The Jews who survived when their lover, their whole family, were killed, and they were tortured and starved, and yet they lived, thrived, and eventually loved again.

People who survived 9/11. A mother who’s child goes missing or dies. It’s hard to not get very self absorbed about your pain. It’s rather narcissistic to think your pain is worse or that for some reason you should be exempt from being in pain. I’m not saying you don’t deserve to cry, that you aren’t suffering, or minimize what you are going through. I am only saying; you are not alone and you can and will survive this, but only if you take the time to heal and not try to find a bandaid in the form of a new relationship.

Burying your hurt by immediately starting to date again will only delay your suffering. The odds are that you will meet another narcissist because you are a prime target. A narcissist is always sweet and madly in love in the beginning, they always say exactly what you need to hear, they sweep you off your feet and you are so needy you absorb the attention like a dry sponge. And there you are, exactly where you started, only this time the pain is twice as bad.

The other option could be, you meet a really great guy and destroy the relationship with your suspicions and basically making him pay for the things your ex did.

The truth is, a truly healthy person doesn’t want to fix you, they don’t want to pack your baggage and it’s selfish of you to expect they should. You owe it to the next person to come into the relationship as a whole healed healthy person, able to be your best self.

Social media can be a great place to find support through blogs, videos, Facebook groups, but it can also be a very dangerous place to be. It’s easy to sit for hours with other victims of N abuse and share stories of abuse, feeding off of others pain. I have gone to some support sites where the same women are there year after year, never really healing, never moving on, because they can’t, they keep reliving their pain. They become as attached to their pain as they were to the narcissist. They don’t want to give up their pain because the pain keeps them attached to the narcissist. Constantly analyzing why he did this or that, what he is doing now. It feeds our pain, feeds our fears, and feeds negativity, and we feel special. It can be very easy to get into a “all men are assholes” mindset. You meet a new guy and he does or says something that confuses you and you go into a support site for the opinion of the others, other victims, because you don’t trust your own gut instincts and aren’t healed.

There is no guarantee that learning everything you can about narcissists is going to protect you from getting involved with another one.

It is extremely important to learn what you are dealing with and that you are not alone but at some point you need to grow and heal. I fully expect women to stop coming to my site eventually because they have moved on and don’t want to rehash their pain any more. It’s great to show support to other victims as long as it doesn’t hold you back from finding true happiness and living your life. There will always be occasions when you will be able to support other victims. Go out and live your life, opportunities to be the light for other victims of abuse will present themselves when you least expect it, a dinner party, a chance to educate a group of people who have misconceptions about why women stay in abuse.

Another negative associated with too much social media is, people make their lives seem so perfect. They Photoshop their photos, they rave about their boyfriend, their material possessions, everyone is competing with the Kardashians. That is not real life. Everyone is not living a perfect happy life except you.

Social media is a great time waster, been there done that! Sucked into the internet vortex for hours and hours. Instead of devouring everything you can about narcissists, try focusing on self improvement. Improve your communication skills, learn how to do something new or perfect a talent you have. For me it was painting, self awareness and self improvement. Feeding my good traits, being my best self, not feeding the negativity. I took a personality test on 16 Personalities.com that I found most helpful in understanding why I am the way I am and that I am not too anything, I am a personality type and that’s ok.

I have always viewed life experiences as an opportunity to learn something, grow and then share, in hopes it helps others. I never expected to be homeless in my life, when I found myself homeless I looked at it as an opportunity to learn something. What I discovered was, I had many false judgements about who becomes homeless and why. I had a paradigm shift and I became a better person, not so judgemental. God gives us lessons in life, sometimes they are painful lessons. I’ve heard God makes a person experience the same lesson over and over again until they learn the lesson. I can be a slow learner, so now try to learn the lesson the first time.

For me, the thought that I had wasted 10 years of my life loving a lie was not acceptable. I had to learn something and IF I could help even one other woman avoid the pain I was experiencing, if I saved one life; then it wasn’t all for nothing. I could live with it. No time in a person’s life should be a waste, we should always learn something. What lesson are you meant to learn?

I believe it is everyone’s responsibility to leave the world a little bit better because they were here. Find your unique gift to the world.

A few other truths you need to know;

#1 – you never know how strong you are until you do what you didn’t think you could. If it was easy, it wouldn’t require strength.

#2 – There is a reason people say they had a “good cry”. It is not weakness to cry, crying is good for you, allow yourself time to cry. I alloted half an hour every morning to cry, then I put on my makeup and got on with my day. At the end of the day I had another pity party. Tears quite literally wash the toxicity from the body and the narcissist leaves behind a lot of toxicity.

3. Relax, stop beating yourself up about not healing fast enough. Those well meaning friends that say, “The best way to get over a man is to get under a new man”, are wrong. The friends who say, “It’s been a month, you should be over him by now”, are not real friends. There is no right way to grieve, no magic time limit, to fully heal could take years, if you do it right.

4. That said, you need to put the work into healing. Obsessing is not healing. “But I can’t stop thinking about him. He is all I think about, dream about, he fills every minute of every day. I can’t stop my mind.”

5. Yes you can. You control what you think about. Your mind only knows what you put in it and the irony is, the more you think about something the deeper the pathway to that thought is embedded in your mind and the more your mind goes there. For however long you were with the narcissist, he made sure you were thinking about him 24/7 and now you have to retrain your brain to think of something else. That requires work on your part. When you catch yourself obsessing about him you have to consciously change your thoughts. Think of it this way; when you start a new job or learn a new skill like driving; at first you have to force yourself to learn new things, you make notes, you feel like you will never learn the job. But after not too long it just comes naturally, you drive without thinking about it, you do your job without checking your notes. I used to answer the phone for Fraser Valley Foods, it took a long time for the greeting to flow off my tongue but after awhile, I would answer my personal phone, “Fraser Valley Foods, Carrie speaking”. When you catch yourself obsessing about how she is getting all the things you wanted, his best; change the scene to her crying because he didn’t come home all night, picture her filled with self doubt because he has twisted the facts.

6. Of course they appear happy, she is just like you, she is believing his lies, he is being everything she ever wanted, they are in the honeymoon stage. He wants you to think it was all your fault, he wants all his friends to think it was all you and she is feeling smug because she has the wonderful man you lost. History repeats itself. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. A toxic person does not change.

Besides, to dwell on what might be going on in their relationship does YOU no good. It’s over. Wishing is not going to make it better. If onlys, only torture you. IF you truly feel you could have done something different and changed the outcome, figure it out and vow to never do it again. Analyze the relationship honestly, how could you have changed to make him treat you better. Not get angry he cheated? Not get angry he destroyed your personal property? Not have any expectations of him to be honest, committed, or contribute financially? What exactly could you have done to make him stay? And if you would have done those things, would you have been happy?

You know you wouldn’t have been happy because you weren’t happy in the relationship. I always say I stayed 9 and 1/2 years too long in a 10 year relationship. I was unhappy for over 9 years and spent that 9 years thinking “I just want him to go back to being the man I met”, “If I can just explain it in a way he understands, he will stop hurting me”, “If I love him well enough, sacrifice enough, he will love me back”. In the process I gave up my moral standards, compromised my core beliefs and allowed him to cross all my boundaries. There is no way a person can be happy if they aren’t living true to themselves.

7. There is only one way to have inner peace in life. Only one way to find true lasting love and that is to live true to your core values and morals. Make living your best life, your life goal and you will find happiness and miraculously having a man in your life won’t be such a necessity. When you love yourself completely, little flaws and all, you don’t have to ask for others opinion on what you should do. When you are truly connected to your core values you stop trying to be what the man wants and start looking for a man who compliments you and you become a better version of you.

8. We all meet narcissists every day, they are every where, there is no avoiding them. You can go through life afraid, suspicious, paranoid, as a victim or martyr. Or you can go through life knowing your core self is exactly who you need to be and that as long as you live true to you, no one can ever make you feel less than again.

9. If you meet another narcissist, don’t automatically go to “What’s wrong with me? Why do I attract narcissists?” To a narcissist everyone is a potential victim, meeting a narcissist does not automatically make you a victim. The key is, to walk away. Be thankful you were able to peg him for what he is and you dodged a bullet, you didn’t stick around waiting for him to change. THAT is what made you a victim.

10. Finally, who and how they love you does NOT give or take away your value. When you value yourself by how someone else treats you, you are giving that person the power to control your every emotion. No healthy person wants that power. There is something very annoying about a person who is always taking the relationship’s temperature because they are dependent on the relationship to set their self esteem or mood for the day. No one wants to be with a needy person.

We all have days when we feel needy but a love partner should not consistently make you feel needy or insecure.

How To Know He Is Toxic

I hear it from women all the time and I’ve written about this before; “I don’t know if he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t have all the traits, but he does xxxxxx, and it really hurts me. But he says I am over-reacting, too sensitive, in other words (wrong).”

This video covers just that, instead of trying to figure out who is right or wrong, decide if his actions align with your core self.

That is why I always advise women to take the time to get in touch with their core self, accept who they are at the core and love that person. We all have a core self that determines how we react to things. Throughout our life people have tried to tell us who we should be, or who we shouldn’t be. Alot of people never live true to their core self and spend their whole life trying to be someone they aren’t. It’s very hard to be a confident person when you always feel like you aren’t quite living up to the expectations of others, are a fraud trying to be something you aren’t.

Life becomes so peaceful, easy, and fulfilling and you become a confident, happy, and positive woman when you live an authentic life.

I’m Not Sure He’s A Narcissist

I can’t count how many times I have heard a woman comment that she isn’t sure her partner is a narcissist. Their partner has many of the traits, but not all.

When I started looking for answers I would Google, “sometimes my husband acts like he hates me” and sites on domestic abuse would come up in the search. I got frustrated, he didn’t hit me, he just acted like he hated me breathing his air, sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes he was very loving. I wanted to know how to fix it. He wasn’t “abusive”, ok well, not all the time. He had hit me once and strangled me once. It wasn’t all the time.

For the longest time I never commented and would just leave the site. I wouldn’t go searching for answers for awhile and then things would get really bad again and I’d go searching again.  When I finally did comment the women seemed so hate filled and told me to just leave him. They weren’t interested in learning how much I loved him, how he was the love of my life. How a person doesn’t “just walk away” from a love like that.

I remember resolving myself to the fact that I was never going to leave even if he didn’t love me. I loved loving him enough, I would be happy just to be in his life and I would take the good when I could, it was worth the bad times. But the bad times always got worse. Just when I thought, “there’s no way he can hurt me worse than this” he’d find a way.

Twenty years ago no one talked about narcissists. About 5 years into the relationship I found a site that gave me hope. It was a couple who said he was a narcissist and she had discovered the secret to fixing him. They sold books and classes instructing women how to fix their narcissistic partner. They made it sound like he was basically a benign self centered normal guy, with a conscience and ability to love.

It wasn’t until I had left my ex that I discovered the truth about narcissists. I thought I must be the only person who had ever experienced the bizarre treatment I had endured from my ex. I was amazed time after time when I wrote about the things he did and people commented, “OMG! You are writing about me!, How did you know?”

I wanted women to know they weren’t alone, that it wasn’t their fault, they couldn’t fix it, and if by sharing my experiences I saved one life, everything I went through would be worth it. Ten years after leaving I can say it was, because I have heard from dozens, if not hundreds of women and men who wrote to thank me.

Unfortunately, most victims feel that they must be able to identify a narcissist in order to protect themselves. They want a set list of traits they can go down and tick the boxes, if the guy ticks enough boxes the woman has “permission” or reason to dump him.

The problem is, the number one trait of a narcissist is, he doesn’t act like a narcissist until he has his victim firmly hooked. By that time he has already done damage to the victim’s self esteem, confidence, and made the victim dependent on him.

In order to truly protect yourself you can’t rely on a list or other people to tell you what to do. A narcissist’s whole m.o. is to create confusion and keep the victim off balance.

It is that indecision and mistrust of your own ability and instincts to make wise choices that got you where you are. If you are living true to your core self and doing what is best for you, there is no grey area, you know what you need to do.

It doesn’t matter if they check all the boxes on a list of narcissistic traits; just because a person is not a narcissist does not make them a good person or someone you should invest your emotions and time in.

I use my son as an example of someone who lives true to his core self and is a mentally healthy person. He looks at life realistically and honestly. He has taught me that staying true to yourself is not selfish, judgemental or unkind. Living true to yourself takes all the drama out of your life, it makes life do much simpler, easier.

Let me give you a recent prime example. My son had been dating a very attractive woman who had alot of traits he really appreciated. I met her and really liked her. He called yesterday to tell me he had broken up with her because in the two months they have been seeing each other there were a few traits she possessed that really made him angry. A few things that went totally against his core principles had happened enough times that he felt he couldn’t keep seeing her. She had more than once been judgemental about a person’s looks or social standing, She was materialistic, and entitled and she just didn’t hold the same values as him. There were things she said that ate at him, made him angry, and he knew it wasn’t his job to change her and he sure wasn’t going to give up his values and beliefs, so he did the only thing he could do and stay true to himself, he ended it. She isn’t a narcissist, well, we will never know for sure because he didn’t stick around long enough to find out.

We are so quick to label anyone who hurts us a narcissist. It dilutes the true toxicity of a narcissist to throw the label around BUT that said, just because someone isn’t a narcissist doesn’t mean you should be with them, try to change to please them, or change them to fit your needs. You DO have to know what your needs are and not settle for less.

If you are on the internet looking for answers because the person you are with is acting in ways that are disrespectful and hurtful of you; you are in a toxic relationship. No diagnoses necessary. The only question you need to ask is, “why am I staying with someone who treats me this badly?

Why am I staying in a relationship that is so confusing I have to look on the net for answers?

If you are in a healthy relationship you would not be on the internet looking for answers.

Not everyone is going to like us. We have to check our ego, and not take it personally that someone rejects us. We have to live true to our core self and when we do, the right person will come along.

The narcissist sweeps the victim off her feet. It’s romantic,  exciting, it takes your breath away and throws the victim off balance.

The surest way to protect yourself if to live true to your core self. I can’t tell you what to do, you need to know, deep inside, what you need to do. Not should do, but what you need to do, for you.

In the beginning of a relationship we are always on our best behavior. It is when we get to know the other person, we find out likes and dislikes, common interests. We do it, so does everyone else, a narcissist does it in order to compile ammunition to control the victim. We do it to make sure this is a person we want to invest our time in. Not everyone is going to like us and we aren’t going to like everyone we meet. Some women want a man in their life so bad, they turn themselves into a pretzel trying to be the woman he wants.

We need to stop put more value on having a man than finding a man who enhances our lives and who we can live true to our core values. A relationship should never make you feel inferior or like you need to change; and you should never ever compromise your values or allow them to cross your boundaries.