Tag Archives: Living In Poverty

It is so hard to better your life when you have no resources

Letting It Be

One of the things I learned through the 10 years I was with JC was that some times you have to let things play out. I used to make things happen, but there was no way you made JC do anything. Plus for the most part while we were together we were leaving it in God’s hands, we prayed alot and I drew alot of peace and strength from that. Since JC, I haven’t gotten the same sense of being at peace when I pray. Before I met JC I wasn’t a “nonbeleiver” but after I met him and his mother my belief grew very strong, and it has just been gone since things turned bad the last time we were together. You csn’t laugh at me but I actually thought God had brought us together and whenever we were about to break up my truck woid break down or he would get injured and circumstances (God) brought us back together. Naive eh? It took me 9 years to believe anyone could purposely sabotage someone’s vehicle or purposely injure themselves. I was always waiting for him, to go to the store, to go to Christmas dinner, to take me to emergency, you msme it I waited. When day after painful day I waited for my truck to be fixed I learned patience and I learned to wait,  it was out of my control; I had to let it go.

Yesterday I woke up and needed smokes so immediately got up and took a sleepy eyed Laila for a walk to the store. It was peaceful, the sun just coming up, me in my pj’s, macassins, sweatshirt and no contact lens in. Au natural! Poor neighbours!! I went in (couldn’t tell you who was in the store but it was crowded ) and the smell of bacon and eggs made my stomach growl. I got a cup of coffee and the newspaper and made some small talk with the little Chinese lady that consisted of alot of smiling, hand gestures and head nodding, then headed home.

I wasn’t looking forward to working and had $40 and 1/2 a tank of gas so didn’t feel panicked about making money so I sipped my coffee, ate the rest of an apple pie and read the paper front to back. I didn’t get out of the house until after noon with a “come what may attitude”.

I have been really plagued with indecision about what I should be doing with my life, whether I should give up on scrap; I am just not able to do the job the way I like. But I don’t know what else to do; work at Tim Horton’s or WalMart for $10 an hour part time? But yesterday I decided to let it go. My first pick up was one of my favorite customers, Symons Tire, I love those guys; and then I dropped my weedeater at another customers, Prospect Equipment and once again enjoyed some easy banter. From there I zipped out to a new customer I picked up last week, the distribution centre for MTF stores. They had 3 pallet jacks to be picked up. I was very proud of myself that I got one on the truck all by myself. It took a bit of doing and I was laughing out loud by myself as I struggled with the damn thing; but with a chain, a load binder and using my sides as a ramp I got the job done and it was time to head to the scrap yard. When I got back to Abbotsford I drove past Home Depot (also a customer) and saw they had some scrap out. I was loading it when a couple of guys yelled out loud”Hey! Lady Witha Truck, how are you doing today?” one of the guys was hanging out the window but I didn’t recognize him. I waved anyway and yelled back,”Great thanks”. I went back to loading and then heard a voice say,” It is you! I saw the pink sign on the truck door and thought it must be you”. I turned and saw a homeless guy I’ve talked to many times in the past, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten his name but I greeted him with as much enthusiasm as he had greeted me. He asked where my big truck and the crane went. I told him I had to get rid of it. He said,”wow, that’s too bad, you were really a force to be reckoned with, like you were my , well, you were like my hero. You were really doing it, better than the guys.”

Me: Shit happens you know?

Guy: Yeah, don’t I know that!.
Guy: I am so happy I ran into you, I’ve wondered where you were. Hey I have something I want to give you, you’re gonna be so excited when you see it and if you don’t mind I’d be honored if you take it. He pulled the lid off a rubber maid container he has strapped to a small trailer he pulls behind his bicycle.

Me: That’s a nice set up you have there.

Guy: Yeah its everything I own, a down sleeping bag and another one that I use as a mattress, a change of clothes, that’s about it.

Me: you’ve got it very neat and it stays dry and it looks good. The guy proudly pulled the lid with a bit of a flourish: Now you can see inside.

Inside the container his sleeping bag was neatly rolled up, his clothes folded and he pulled everything out to get a towel from the bottom. Wrapped in the towel was a pair of wire cutters he hands to me: They have a life time warranty at Canadian Tire. He says.

Me: wow! That’s super, I can always use wire cutters. Would you be offended if I gave you $5 for them?

Guy: I didn’t expect anything for them but if you want.

We talked for awhile about scrap prices, where he sleeps at night and I asked him if the cops leave him alone and he said yeah except to wake him up to make sure he isn’t dead.

Me: You know…..if it weren’t for the generosity of a friend who lets me live in his trailer I’d be sleeping in the bushes right along side you.

Guy with a wink: I wouldn’t mind and he giggled nervously and I just wanted to give him a hug.

Me: I had better get going.

Guy as he extends his hand: I sure am glad I ran into you!! You are a really special lady you know.

I shook his hand and thanked him.

Me: you take good care now ok? And we waved goodbye. I got to the scrap yard and as I went over the scale I hear, “You’re breaking the scale!!!” and turn to see a nice looking guy who haul scrap and we laughed. They called him back into the office and I yelled,” Your in trouble now”.

As I back up to the scrap pile to unload the owner Carlo gives me a wave and walks over to the truck: Hey Carrie, how are you today?

Me: Great! And you? Carlo looks tired and is covered in dirt but he flashes me a big smile of perfect  white teeth that seem brighter because he is so dirty: busy day but I’m good.

I unload and go over to the nonferrous section. I am unloading my nonferrous and hear,”Hey Lady Witha truck!” and look up to see another fellow scrap hauler and give him a wave. As I walk into the office another one of the regulars, an older guy I see there often greets me with: Hey smilie, you staying out of trouble?

Me: Of course! I’m too old to get in trouble.
Him with a snort: Too old.
Me as I pushed past him: excuuuuuse me, coming through. And everyone in the office laughed.I got $120 and it wasn’t even 4 pm yet. I took the dogs for a much needed pee and walk and then went to Shoppers drug Mart for some face cleanser. When the cashier rang up my order she asked if I wanted to donate to their cause. I asked what the cause was and she replied 100% of what they collect goes to help women who have been in abusive relationships. I told her to add $5 to my bill. She was squealing with excitement! “You get to sign a butterfly!” she explained $1 you get a leaf, $5 a butterfly and an acorn with $10 and she’s only had people donate $1 so far. I had a laugh and told her I was in an abusive relationship and we discussed how emotional abuse is much harder to heal from than physical abuse. She is young but very mature and I tell her about my blog. From there I go to the grocery store, there’s a guy a guy playing the guitar, he’s pretty good, has a raspy voice and is singing a country song that got me feeling like a dance. Just as I get to the door a guy is walking out, I don’t recognize him but he says, “Your trucks keep getting smaller Lady Witha Truck.” Me: ALOT smaller! And laugh.

I grabbed a few groceries, took the dogs for a walk stopping half a dozen times to let people pet them. Laila performs and gives high 5’s right on cue. A lady leans out as she drives past, “Hey are those Shar-pies? They’re beautiful.

Me: Dad and daughter” thanks yes they are!

We get back in the truck and as I drive past the guitar player I feel I should be giving him something but I’m heading home and don’t want to stop. I get to the first intersection and turn around. I pull up, stop the truck and throw $3 in his guitar case as he sings “You gotta know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away and know when to run.” I smiled at him and said,” Have a good night”.

I think I got my answer today

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday I felt I was exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time and I was at peace. One day at a time.

Love to you all.

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The Inevitable Happened

I don’t know how many of my followers noticed that I have received a couple of nasty comments recently; one from JC and then this morning one from a “Chuck”. I “spammed” JC’s right away and then regretted it because I thought his response was so typical of a narcissist I should have left it. I went into my spam to “unspam” it but using the small screen of my phone I accidentally permanently deleted it. Oops

Basically what it said was that I am a lying bitch, he called you all my “minions”; which I had to laugh about because he was always saying he needed minions.
He said that reading my blog made him * feel ……….. well ….everything but mostly sad. *his words.

He also said this (my blog) was unproductive. I beg to differ; anytime a blog receives daily comments such as:
Thank God I found this site, you literally saved my life.
Or
You are a God send, now I know I am not crazy.
It can not be called “unproductive”.

He also called you all F%*#ing Lemmings and said you should be ashamed of yourselves. So everyone hang your head in shame.

He also told me to never contact him again, he made that perfectly clear in his letter to me when he bought me the computer cord I said I needed. It appears that computer cord was supposed to absolve him of any wrong doing in the past and he feels I didn’t mention it in my blog so he mentioned it to show you all what a nice guy he is. He used to say to me that he didn’t understand why my family hated him; I must have told them horrible things about him. He would say, “Do you ever tell them the nice things I do? No!!”. In fact I went out of my way to mention everything he ever did nice; exaggerated it even in hopes my family would like him and I avoided saying anything at all bad about him. But they weren’t blind and could see the abuse with their own eyes.

Today the comment from Chuck said that he knew us and said that he was there for several of the events I have discussed and I am lying and he called me a “c&*t”. I only know one Chuck and he used to come over when JC was God knows where and we would compare the lies JC had told each of us and get to the truth. We used to laugh about it together. He mentioned in the comment that I had talked him into taking JC’s money twice. Chuck and I did a job for JC and got paid $15 or something ridiculous like that, we worked hours in sun. JC had me do up an invoice for the customer, I forget how much it was for now I think a couple hundred bucks. Almost a year later he still had the invoice in his truck. He had told me to get out but refused to give me any money to leave or let me take anything out of the house. I talked to Chuck and told him I was going to invoice the customer myself again and mail it. I told him that if he let me use his address as the return address I would split the money with him 50/50; which is exactly what we did. One time!
I did leave but went back; and have never heard the end of it since. That was 12 years ago. So I believe “Chuck” is actually JC especially since he called me by the pet name he had for me. Not just every one calls me a “C&%#”. 🙂

My first reaction when I saw JC’s comment was guilt. It was my words that made him sad,but the more I thought about it (about 3.5 mins) I came to the conclusion that if JC was sad it was not my words but his actions that caused the sadness. But he is not sad, he is angry because I am not in a corner some where quietly licking my wounds grieving the loss of him.
He is not sorry for the way he treated me, he is not sad that he had a 10 year relationship with a woman who loved him unconditionally and she came away from it suicidal, destitute, and a shell of the person she used to be. If I knew that I had hurt someone that badly I would do everything within my power to make amends. But that is me, that is anyone with a conscience and a caring heart. But we wouldn’t be having this discussion if JC had either of those two things because he never would have abused me to begin with.

My 2nd response was fear; what would he do? I don’t know ( so if I die suddenly I am not suicidal ok?)

Then I reached my present state of mind.

I started this blog simply as a way to promote my company; I heard the best way to build business is by having a web site. But I couldn’t think of anything but the all consuming pain I was in. I spent days sitting on the couch, crying, staring into space, unable to read a book, watch tv, eat, work, I was barely able to breath.

When I attempted suicide I didn’t write any good bye letters, I didn’t make any last minute phone calls telling someone what I had done. The only thing I did was; at about 10 pm after I crawled outside to let Kato take a pee and could barely see to type I sent JC a text message asking him to come and get Kato about 10 am the next day because I had taken an overdose and Kato would need to pee.

JC never called, never called a friend or my mother to check on me, didn’t take the 5 minutes to call 911 and give them my address. When I came to the next day and realized I hadn’t succeeded I would have tried again but didn’t have any money to buy more pills. A mutual friend dropped by and said he had just had a call from JC asking him to go for coffee but he decided to come see me instead. JC was 10 minutes away from my place, knew our friend was going over to my place and never asked about me.
As if that wasn’t bad enough he still toyed with my emotions and led me on for another month until he moved in with his present conquest. And when I was upset he had told me he loved me on Wed and moved into her place on Thurs he chose to deal with it by telling me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me.

There I was; alone; all alone, ashamed, beaten down, no one who understood, no way to support myself, at 52 years old a broken woman. The man I loved with all my being, who only a month prior had said, “You know us Babe, we always end up together, I don’t know why you get so upset.” knowing I was suicidal taunted me to kill myself. It was a defining moment; I had to choose to either live without him or die. I had more pills by that time and I sat there for hours looking at them, thinking, “If I can be reduced to this, a strong capable self sufficient attractive woman; what would it do to a young less confident woman?”

It was then that I decided to share my story in hopes that if there was some woman out there thinking she was crazy she would find some comfort in my sharing. I put as much information together as I could find, it gave me a purpose and it helped me heal and most of all it made me accountable. I was telling the world I was choosing to live, I couldn’t give up once I put it out there.

I had no idea what I was going to say, I was raw emotion some days, I was up but mostly down and then I got some followers, Tik Tok and Mysterycoach were two of my first and saw me through some of my worst times. Thank God they were there!!

The last, say 6 months or so this blog has taken on a life of its own. It is no longer “my” blog, it is where survivors of abuse meet up and share the road to recovery helping each other when one stumbles, encouraging, crying, praying, and most of all feeling free to speak about their experiences knowing they won’t be judged, ridiculed or told they shouldn’t feel the way they do. People come here and hear, “I understand, I have been there,” “OMG your relationship was just like mine”. I have received so much support, and yes good strokes from the people who have stopped by; I don’t know how I would have made it through til now without it.

To date I have somewhere around 200 followers and have had 42,200 hits give or take a hundred. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it would grow like that. I am getting over 500 hits a day. That is alot of pain out there, and I am so gratified to be able to provide some light, some hope. I can honestly say something good came out of my pain, that out of a relationship filled with dishonesty, manipulation, and evil intentions something honest and positive grew.

I thought about closing down the site but I can’t, I would rather die than allow JC to intimidate me into anything every again especially something that is helping people heal from people like him.

I was going to change my settings so that every comment has to be approved before it is posted but that would defeat what we have going on here. People come here to share or give words of encouragement and it is posted immediately. I don’t want people who need support to have to wait, what good is that?

I have wanted to do a post thanking everyone for their patience because doing this all on my phone and not having the net where I live has meant  I am slow replying. I hate not being able to give it my best but right now this is my best.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you brighten my corner of the world more than you know.
Carrie

Heaven on Earth

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth.
One is nearer to God in a garden
Than any place else on earth.

Dorothy Francis Gurney

The above is an exert from a poem by Dorothy Francis Gurney; I used to have a wooden plaque hanging in my garden with that verse on it.

Through the worst times of my life I have found comfort in my garden. When JC and I were at the resort I spent hours tending my garden, crying, praying for answers, praying for strength, praying for my son and my brother, praying to be given one more chance to save my boy, praying for serenity, and sometimes cursing God for giving me too much to handle.

I always came away from my garden feeling calmer, stronger; it was my refuge. It has been for most of my life. When I lived at the lake before I even met JC I would be out there with a flashlight and a glass of wine tending my garden. It seemed the harder the time I was going through the more beautiful my gardens were. Every year I dug up more sod for more flowers. The little English lady that lived across the street and could barely walk made her way across the road slowly with her walker and came up to where I was pulling weeds and she said, ” I want to thank you for your lovely gardens. I look out my window and your gardens take me back to my childhood and the lovely English gardens. You have a loving touch; I’ve watched you. I just wanted you to know you have given this old lady much pleasure with your gardens.” and she shuffled back to her house. I’ll never forget it and of course I cried.

When we were at the resort I couldn’t afford plants but all the neighbour brought over plants and bulbs as they thinned out their gardens, one brought over a filing box with tons of different seeds for me to pick from. It was a tough year emotionally, like I said, I did alot of praying. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had.

Gardening is so community minded, it brings people together, gives them something to talk about. A person can be talking by and feel free to say, “Your garden is lovely”. Or gardeners are always so willing to share plants, advice, and ask questions. Somehow a garden removes fences, class distinction, age, and even gender, gardeners are all on the same team.

I missed my gardens this year, I planted gardens last year and got compliments but I didn’t take the time to enjoy them because I was on borrowed time there and was trying to work as much as possible. This year I did plant some, but lack of water took its toll.

I pray that someday I have a tiny place, nothing fancy, I’m easy to please. 400 sq ft would do me just fine, with a fireplace (there is nothing like coming home from a long walk on a brisk fall day and the house is toasty warm from a crackling fire) There are few things more rewarding than getting up in the morning to a cold house and finding a few red embers still in the wood stove because all that’s necessary is to pull ghetto damper and throw on a few dry pieces of wood and in minutes the house is warm again.
I want a kitchen big enough that I can cook a pot of soup or chilli or maybe a pot roast and have a few friends over to share my fire and a bottle of wine.  lots of windows to let the sun shine in and hang crystals in. And a covered porch to hang wind chimes and a wooden rocking chair so I can sit out there even when it rains. One wall of book shelves for all those books I keep moving with me and some day want to read, but they look good until then. 🙂 I love books.

A place I can paint. A freezer I can fill with baking at Christmas and maybe even some cabbage rolls and tourtierre. A bath tub I can fill with bubble bath and keep adding hot water to until I am pink and wrinkly.

And a tiny yard trimmed with gardens.

And never have to move; just grow old there, Grandma’s house. Where my son and grand daughter can come to visit and know there are cookies in the cookie jar and my son will go to the freezer and grab some frozen cookies and I can give him shit for eating them before Christmas.

That is what I pray for. Not much, nothing fancy; not a knight in shining armor to save me, no trips around the world. Just a little bit of heaven on earth. The sun for pardon, the bbirds song for mirth.

What for you pray for?

Quote from Ann Landers

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this:
Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life.
and when it comes, hold your head high, look it straight in the eye and say
“I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.”

Ann Landers. b 1918

Knowing When To Fold Them

There is an old Kenny Rogers song that goes something like this:

“You gotta know when to hold ’em
know when to fold them
know when to walk away
and know when to run
Don’t count your blessings
while you’re sittin’ at the table
there’ll be time enough for countin’
when the dealin’ done.”

My apologies if I didn’t get it exactly right; its been alot of years since I heard that song but it has been playing in my head lately.

Hal really pissed me off the other day and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I hate, I mean really hate, being dependent on anyone, so really did not want to accept more money from Jim to get home that night.

It burns my butt to not be totally self sufficient and I can hear JC’s voice ringing in my ears,”See?! I told you you couldn’t make it on your own, I told you someday you’d realize all I did for you”.
But he was wrong, I see all the things he did to me not what he did for me.

When Hal started accusing me of avoiding him, demanding to know how much I was getting for the truck, and talking over me when I was talking and then getting angry with me for not shutting up and saying I was talking over him. I found myself getting frustrated because he was twisting my words and refusing to understand what I was saying. Then it hit me; I don’t have to put up with this any more from anyone, ever again. I know what is fair, I know what is right, and I know when I am being played for a sucker.

I was frustrated, crying and angry but I took control of the situation.  I know he is bad mouthing me and you know what? I really don’t give a shit, I don’t have time for that kind of highschool bullshit. Yeah he’s got $350 of my hard earned money and I got the “shaft” (excuse the pun I couldn’t resist) Like I said to Hal that night, “If I wanted to get screwed over I would have called JC.  I don’t need to go looking for assholes. You knew the position I was in financially and you took advantage of it. I am done with you. You have nothing  to say that I want to hear and I have nothing I want to say to you.” Sure I sat in a parking lot in Langley crying my eyes out, sobbing to the dogs about how unfair life is and asking them ,”what do I do now?”

Then I saw the dumpster behind me and thought, “Nothing like digging in a dumpster to take a girl’s mind off her troubles.” I got a really nice vase, a tall one, you know they’re about 2 & 1/2 feet tall? the kind that sits on the floor with tall grasses in it. It has a $60 price tag on it and I can’t find a thing wrong with it. I also found the cutest Halloween decoration, a Styrofoam pumpkin head with a top hat that just needs a bit of glue, priced at $25. Three nice sweat shirts, 3 cardigans; a white one, blue one and a black one and they all fit me. A few blouses and a dress and jacket in an oriental design I haven’t tried on yet. I also got some really nice smelling vanilla hand soap in a pretty clear glass pump dispenser that I gave to my girl friend and she loves,  she also picked out a glass flower ornament that she liked.

When Jim called to say he was in Langley I was already asleep with my head on Laila, one good thing about really bad times; you know a night sleeping in the truck isn’t going to kill you. The worst thing that happens is you don’t have a toothbrush in the morning, your contacts are stuck to your eyes because you slept with them in and you kinda look like a raccoon because your mascara is smudged.

Sure I fell into a depression the next day and wasted most of the day feeling sorry for myself and when every one told me I should have called the cops and when the guy who wanted to buy it offered me $400 and said he had a tow truck waiting to pick it up I told everyone, “I can’t talk about it right now, I can’t make a decision right now, I will have to get back to you.” and I weighed my options.

I call the police;
I know Hal is an N and I know he’s probably already done damage control, I have a 50/50 chance the police will even listen to me, I have nothing in writing and neither does he so it will be a he said/she said scenario and the cops probably can’t do anything and will tell me to take him to small claims. It would prolong dealing with an asshole and I really don’t need that in my life.

As it is Hal has cost me $850 ($350 I paid him, $300 I lost in the sale of my truck, and at least $200 I would have made on the job in Port Moody I missed and someone else picked up) Plus I’ve wasted more hours on that man than can be calculated because he is always late and if I hadn’t bought the other truck I wouldn’t have been royally screwed because he took so long fixing my GMC and I wouldn’t have had any way to make money to pay him.  I shudder to think about it and it makes me really angry but do I want to waste any more time on the asshole? Do I want him in my life in any way? No!!

Some times doing nothing is really doing the best thing. I don’t want to feed Hal’s need for attention through conflict.

So if I am not calling the cops my other option is to find a driveshaft, buy it and install it myself but that means I have to sit on the phone trying to track one down. Not having phone reception where I live means I will be cutting into time I could be using to make money. I need to make money because I am dead in the water without it.

So like the song says, “I decided to fold and walk away.”
I called the buyer and told him I can’t accept $400 could he do $500? He said he’d ask his son; yes they would go $500. He got a tow truck to pick it up and take it to his place. I said I have to work to make enough money to buy fuel to get the registration to him and he said not a problem. I did a few pickups that I missed last week when my truck was down, now there was even more. So I had a good money making day and got $279 for 3 hours work.

I called Jim and said I’d have his $550 by the end of the day. He said not to leave myself short, he would be happy with $300. I said I wanted to at least pay the $400 he lent me to buy the 1974 Chev. I also owed my girlfriend $100 and wanted to pay her.

So yesterday I was able to buy a jug of oil for the truck, a new pair of work gloves, stock my cupboards with groceries and dog food, and even bought myself a pair of cowboy boots at Value Village for $20. ( For whatever reason wearing cowboy boots makes me feel more confident, when I was still with JC he told me that when I wore my cowboy boots I had an air of confidence about me, that can’t be a bad thing)

Now that I have walked away from the table what are my blessings?
1. I handled it, I didn’t let the bastard intimidate me, I didn’t feed his sick need for drama and attention and walked away with my head held high.
2. The guy who bought the truck got a good deal and I was out $350. Oh well, I really like the guy who bought the truck and guess what! he owns dump trucks and rebuilds antique cars; what does that means? he has scrap! and he is going to call me to come pick up within the next week.
3. I could have spent all day
looking for a driveshaft and then gotten frustrated trying to put it in and possibly had to deal with Hal again today and wasted another day I could have been working. Instead I made almost as much as I lost ($25 less) big deal and today it is all ancient history; I can close that page and move on. It was 10:30 by the time I got to Jim last night but I paid him for the truck and that felt wonderful!!!
I paid my girlfriend and by midnight I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a ice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating a turkey tv dinner.

With that out of the way I can focus on getting my butt out of this trailer and I have a few ideas about how to do it. I’m quite excited about one idea but will save that for another post.

Once I am out of here and have an internet connection I have a new career idea I am excited about and could put all my experiences over the past 12 years to good use. But that is a post of it’s own also.

So that’s all folks!
Like my blog says; Playing with the cards I’m dealt, the best I can. This time I decided to fold and walk away. Next time? who knows; I guess we’ll see what I get dealt in the next hand.

Hugs to you all.
off to work I go……hi ho hi ho.

(written Tuesday morning and posted on Wednesday)

I Don’t See a “Kick Me ” Sign On My Back

I don’t expect a free ride; I honestly don’t. Anyone who knows me will tell you I work hard for my money and I would never screw someone over on a deal; never! My conscience wouldn’t allow it. And I hate to be a whiner; live with or change it; but don’t whine about it.

I am so sick of people; (mostly)men screwing me over, pushing me around, and taking advantage of me and the fact that I am vulnerable and my family’s attitude that I deserve what I get because I went back to James.

I never felt I was an N magnet in my life, but I sure do now. It’s as if they hold meetings,
“Ok guys! guys settle down; this meeting has come to order. Men, we’ve got one bitch that just won’t lie down and give up; she’s a tough nut to crack. We’re got to ramp things up and get this done; we’ve spent too much time on her. Now who here has any ideas on what we can do to break this bitch once and for all? JC put your hand down; you had 10 years to get the job gone and you blew it! anyone else? ok You there at the back, state your name and your idea.”

Paranoid? not me!

As you all know life has been a real struggle for me lately but I’ve been dragging myself out there and doing my best to get my life back on track. Last week I was thinking finally things were falling into place.

One of the major stumbling blocks I face is; No internet or phone service  have been trying to sell my GMC because I just can’t afford to fix it; I put an ad placed on Craig’s list, I started at $1600 and then dropped the price to $1200; I started to get some calls at that price but then they wanted to see the truck and it is in Surrey, a good hour from where I living. I drove all the way out there two weeks ago because a guy said he had cash in hand and wanted it. He was a no show and I wasted $40 in fuel and my Sunday, not to mention I could have been at the flea market making money.

So, anyway, the truck I am driving needs brakes REALLY bad; they are squealing and I have a really bad vibration when I put on the brakes. It is also leaking oil and rad fluid. It’s an old truck; I expected gaskets and hoses would need to be replaced and planned to do all these minor repairs when I sold my GMC. Last Thursday I tried to put water in my rad and couldn’t get the cap off, I was going to get a man to try later and then forgot about it. I got a call on my GMC, the guy was only willing to pay $800 cash. I took it, cash is king. I owed my friend Jim $400 and he really needed his money because he is heading out hunting today. At $800 I could pay him and still get my brakes done and do a few other things.

I stopped at Tim Horton’s to use the washroom and get a bite to eat before I called the guy to say I was on my way. I forgot my phone was in my back pocket and when I pulled my jeans down in the bathroom my phone fell in the toilet. Yep folks, there it was submersed at the bottom of the toilet bowl; I was just thankful it fell in before I used the toilet. (notice the positive attitude?)

I tried to dry it best I could under the hand dryer. I can’t use my phone so I can’t call the guy to set up a time to meet and can’t get his number off my phone. I decide to take my phone back to Best Buy and see what they can do for me. On the way my truck starts to overheat so I park it at Lordco and take the dogs for a walk while it cools down. Then I bought some oil, antifreeze and a pair of work gloves at Lordco tried the rad cap and still couldn’t get it off. I try my phone and it worked (kinda) so I call the guy and say I will have to come tomorrow, he is fine with that. I call Jim and he comes and pries my rad cap off, I fill my rad, no visible leaks, must be a hose; he leaves, I go to get fuel and notice a HUGE puddle under my truck. Call Jim again and he says to limp it to his shop. He figures its just a gasket. We take water pump off and replace gasket, put water in, it pours out. I need a new water pump!; piss. It is 1am so Jim lends me his truck to go home and I return in the morning.
No one in Abbotsford has a water pump for a 1974 chev so we order one in. I miss a days work but I am rolling with the punches. I put my phone in a bag of rice over night and its working; only had to buy a $10 sim card. I called the guy and say I am going to be late.
I borrow $100 from Jim for the water pump and even installed it myself and I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. Still rolling with the punches. I head out to do the truck deal, call the guy and he says getting too late lets do it tomorrow. Fine with me.
Saturday first thing I get a call from a customer wanting a pick up in Port Moody, perfect! I can do the truck deal, take the bridge to Pt Moody and go home. I stop at a few customers and get a little load on and made $70; perfect! just enough to buy a permit $30 to drive it over to the guy and I couldn’t find my registration so paid $18 for a replacement, no biggie. Bought myself lunch $6 and a pack of smokes $9 and had just enough fuel to get to Surrey where $800 is waiting for me.
I got to my truck and the cab is full of Hal’s crap (Hal is the guy who “fixed” my driveshaft) and the battery is missing.

I call Hal and tell him I am there to get my truck and what does he figure I owe him. He never did give me an answer. We agreed that I had paid him $350 already so I said I could pay him another $100. He said when do I get the rest? I told him I didn’t feel I owed him more. Of course he feels I owe him for the trany in his van and for all the hours he spent fabricating a driveshaft unnecessarily. He tells me he’s also taken my brake switch off and put it on his truck. He said he’d be there in 1/2 an hour, I tell him I have a job waiting, he says 1/2 hr.

Four hours later I am still waiting; take the dogs for a walk and when I get back he is sitting there eating take out. I walk up and ask if my truck is ready to go, I can see the battery on the ground. He says he’s not doing anything until he’s eaten. I say I’ve been waiting 4 hours and I have a job to get to. He says he’s been waiting 3 months and starts accusing me of not going into Amix to avoid paying him. Why would I have paid him $350 if I wasn’t planning on paying him? Besides that; what is he doing going to Amix and asking if I’ve been in; that’s bullshit! He hauls scrap; he knows prices have been down. He called me a liar when I told him I got more in Abbotsford than at Amix. He’s harping on about my wrecking his trany and owing for that but he still won’t name a price.
I said, “You knew money was tight, how did you expect me to put fluid in the van? it had NO fluids whatsoever, that is your responsibility not mine.”
He says he wants more money than the $100 but still doesn’t name a figure. I keep saying I can only pay $100 and he says,”How much are you getting for the truck?” He wants at least half. I told him no way. He crawls under my truck and takes the driveshaft off. I say give me my $350 back. He says that is for the trany. I am furious (plug your ears because this is where I start swearing) I call him an asshole and he says he can see why I can’t keep a man. I spun around and said,”You can keep your fucking mouth shut, my personal life has nothing to do with you. If I wanted abuse and to get screwed over I would have called James. You have nothing to say that I want to hear; I am done talking to you”. He said something about me being a selfish bitch and I felt like punching him but instead told him, “I told you, keep your fucking opinions to yourself, I don’t give a shit what you think.” and refused to respond to his yabbering.

There are dogs across the street and Mary had let her dogs out so my dogs were going nuts, Hal left with his driveshaft and I gave Mary a hug and left.

I called the guy who was buying it and now he’ll give me $400 for it. I put the $7 I have into fuel but still only got 1/2 way home. I parked the truck and called a few friends, either they didn’t answer or couldn’t help. It is 9 pm, the dogs and I are hungry and I am broke. I start to cry. Enough is enough!

I call Jim to say I don’t have his money, he asks where I am and what I am going to do. I tell him I am going to sleep in my truck and call the guy in the morning and take the $400 I guess. I said I didn’t know what to do. everyone says phone the police but I was so upset I couldn’t think or talk straight.

I fell asleep with my head on Laila and woke up at midnight when Jim called to say he was in Langley and where was I. He bought me dinner and gave me $50 for fuel. I said I hate to borrow more money and he said,” I have to keep you alive because I want you”. Geeezzzzz

I got home at 4 am, no water at home; none. I went to girlfriends for shower yesterday. I have just enough fuel to get down the hill today.

No idea what I am going to do about either truck.

And to top it all off Laila is in heat and Kato is driving us both nuts!!!!

Welcome to my life!

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