Tag Archives: living true to yourself

Heart Breaks Do Heal

When the victim is leaving or has been dumped for the umpteenth time by the narcissist they feel like they can’t go on, won’t survive the pain.

I know I am not alone when I say I felt like I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. I literally had nothing to live for and no hope of ever changing my bleak future.

As my ex had told me, “No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, whining, suicidal bitch like you anyway”

And I don’t share this video in order to make you think your happiness resides in meeting another man and falling in love.

My point in sharing is to say, what seems hopeless, and what feels like the end to you ever being happy again is just one door closing, a door that needed to close in order for you to find your true self and real happiness.

What you think is a perfect fit and what you thought was your future will seem rediculous a few years from now.

So many victims lament that they want to be their “old self”, happy go lucky, niave, innocent, confident, but don’t know how now that they have known true evil.

You can’t go back, nor should you. You wouldn’t have even gotten into that mess, or stayed if there wasn’t something in you that needed fixing.

I believe we should all spend our whole life learning, growing and trying to be our best selves. I don’t think it is a goal we can ever attain.

Anyway, this woman tells a great story I think any divorcing woman can relate to or anyone who can look back to a time they had lost all hope. We never know what the future holds.

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When Will I Be My Old Self Again?

I hate to break it to you but you will never be your old self again, nor should you, for many good reasons. Here are a few reasons why you should take this opportunity to become the new and improved you.

1. Your old self got you into this mess in the first place, lets hope we all are wiser and stronger people for the experience. No experience in life is a waste as long as you learn and grow from it, don’t waste this chance to do some major personal growth.

2. Being naive and oblivious to the evils of the world gives us a false sense of security, and feeling secure is something everyone wants. We want to believe everyone has a good side, that bad things happen to other people, not us, evil people are in the movies and live somewhere else. We liked thinking we would be able to detect if someone was evil, we also used to believe in Santa Claus; but we all have to grow up and face reality some time.

3. Dwelling on the past and all you lost is only going to make you unhappy. Wishing things were different will only make you unhappy, you can’t change the past but you can change how you handle the future.

4. You can’t fix anyone else, you can’t change anyone else, but you have total control over how you live and if you live true to yourself and your core beliefs no one can ever make you feel guilty, less than, or that you don’t deserve to be happy.

5. No one, no matter how much you love them; has the right to expect you to compromise your principles or your well being. 

6. On the same note, to expect someone else to make you happy or feel valued is giving them too much responsiblity and pressure. I know I sure the hell don’t want the responsibility of someone else’s happiness and self worth.

7. It is not your fault you got sucked in by a narcissist because you didn’t know better, but now you do know better and need to figure out how to avoid it happening again. The scarest part for me was the thought that I had totally been a victim and had no control over what happened to me, it meant I had no control over it happening again. I HAD to find a way where I had control over what people did to me, I could not go the rest of my life helplessly reacting to life and the actions of others. 

(To not take some responsibility for it is setting yourself up for a life of fear and unhappiness. You are relying on luck to keep you safe and saying to yourself, “you are helpless to protect yourself”, then wonder why you keep getting hurt. There are women who go through life lamenting, “Why do I keep meeting assholes?” We all meet assholes, assholes are every where, the question should be, “Why do you stay with them?”)

8. Living true to your core values, having “deal breaker” boundaries, not sacrificing your happiness and security is NOT being selfish, it is being smart and it protects you from being a victim. Love is NOT sacrificing yourself, your values, your security, your morality. If someone says, “If you really loved me you would do this thing I ask.”  rephrase it and say, “If you really loved me you would not expect me to do something or accept something that I do not feel comfortable with.”

9. Some where along the way, during our upbringing, someone instilled in us that we are not complete or valueable without a partner in our life, that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. That is straight bullshit!! 

I am not a man hater, I am not the least bit bitter or jaded about relationships, a relationship can be wonderful, sharing your life with someone can be fantastic, a shoulder to lean on when life gets you down, someone to share the good times and weather the bad times with. I liked being part of a “couple”,  when a relationship is healthy there is nothing better but there is nothing worse than feeling alone when you aren’t, or always having to fight for your right to feel a certain way, there is nothing comforting about having to snoop to see if your spouse is being faithful, you should be able to trust your partner’s word, you should be able to trust your partner’s promises, you should be able to trust your own recollection of events and not be told you are crazy or paranoid. None of those things are part of a healthy loving relationship, and if you stay with that person, you never will have a healthy relationship.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future partner to take the time now to heal present and past hurts, deal with that inner voice that says you are not good enough, learn to set boundaries, YOUR deal breaker boundaries, learn to listen to your gut, to block the negative shit we have been told about ourselves, learn how to live a true and honest life in every area of your life. Stop being what you have been told you should be and start being the person you are meant to be. I guarantee you that if you start living life true to your core self you will know your worth and no one will ever be able to make you feel less than again, you will have less and less self doubt, and you WILL find inner peace. 

I recommend taking at least a year or two after a narcissist to heal before dating. If the thought of that makes you feel panicked and anxious, then you most definitely need to take a couple of years. If you need to find a man because you think the clock is ticking and time is running out for you to have a child, or you feel you can’t support yourself, or you can’t survive without a man, or all your friends are married and you feel like odd man out, and especially if you find yourself trying to be the kind of woman the man wants instead of being honest with yourself and him and admitting early on when the man is not the kind of man you want in your life. Too many times women bend over backwards trying to be what the man wants and making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour because they just started dating and don’t want to appear demanding or bitchy. 

I have actually had women come into the blog complaining because a guy doesn’t treat her with respect and at the same time describe how he got blind drunk their first date, she slept with him on the first date and she has been concerned about his drink all along, he has a warped sense of humor and expects her to come to his place for sex and then leave. He has never pretended to be in love with her and she is calling him a narcissist. No, you are a door mat that won’t demand a man treat you with respect. I think it was Dr Phil, or Oprah that said, “We teach people how to treat us.” And it is the truth. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept, asking for respect is not the same as demanding respect and being prepared to walk if you don’t get it.

So, please don’t wish to be your old self ………… strive to be your best self and make it a life long journey

People Who Build Bridges and Those Who Burn Them

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Sometimes you might have to burn a bridge to keep the narcissist from following you. And you have to be choosy about which bridges you choose to cross.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You  have noticed I changed the header picture on the blog. I took the picture this summer while Stella and I were wandering along the river last summer, no houses in site, no sign of people and then there in the middle of nowhere is a foot bridge someone obviously put a lot of time and effort into building.

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Of course I was intrigued to see where it led and tentatively put one foot on the bridge to test it for strength, it felt solid so I tried two feet and it held. It wasn’t far to fall if it did break but I really didn’t want to get wet. I was kinda nervous crossing the bridge because I didn’t know what would be on the other side but the bridge held, there was nothing scary on the other side and Stella and I went on our way. Ever since then I have wondered who built that sturdy little bridge and why they bothered.

What also surprised me is that no one had destroyed it! Usually when someone obviously works hard to create something, someone will come along and destroy it, maybe it is built so strong that it would take too much effort to destroy it.

The world is full of people who build bridges and those who destroy them.

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The selfish people who lack empathy burn or wreck the bridge because they don’t want anyone to attain what they do, as if there is only so much good stuff to go around and if they help someone else somehow they will lose out. Narcissists are the bridge burners, once they are done with a victim they feel they must destroy them and any hope the victim has of ever leading a happy fulfilling life. In the narcissist’s sick mind if he doesn’t destroy the victim before he leaves he hasn’t done the job, he failed, he loses and the victim wins. It is hard for a normal person to get their head around that kind of logic; if he leaves the victim with anything, including their self respect and esteem he somehow loses. The narcissist is like some kind of toxic leech that not only has to feed off of a live host, he won’t move on to the new host until he has sucked the first host dry.

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A narcissist sees no point in helping others be successful unless it benefits them, why would they? that just seems stupid to them. They will con someone into building the bridge for them and then they will either charge a toll to use it or burn it so no one else can use it.

With my ex ,everything had a price tag and everyone was fair game. He told me once that he would screw his own grandmother (not in the literal sense, he meant figuratively in a business deal. But as I say that, he probably would screw his own grandmother if she was willing)

Empaths build bridges. Their way of thinking is; if I have to go through this I will make it easier for the next guy, I will help the people who come behind me. Why? why not? Like when the welfare worker asked me why on earth I would have a blog that I put so much effort into, if I was not getting paid.

Or the cop who investigated my ex’s claims I was inciting violence against him through my blog, who asked me why else would I have the blog of not to disparage my ex. He totally understood when I explained that I would never stop sharing my experience because it is silence that perpetuates domestic abuse and I hoped that sharing my story would save someone else from the same fate or worse.

I also had a selfish ulterior motive and that was; I didn’t trust myself to not attempt suicide again. I didn’t trust myself to keep fighting and do the work necessary to heal BUT if I declared to the world I was going to heal and survive I couldn’t very well go and kill myself. What message would that send?

Another selfish reason I had for starting the blog was; it gave meaning to everything I had been through. If I didn’t use the experience to help others, if I didn’t experience personal growth and if it didn’t somehow make me a better person; then I had wasted 10 years and lost everything I owned, for nothing. I couldn’t live with that.

I feel it is the responsibility of every person to do what they can to make the world a better place; the narcissist does everything he can to destroy the world and anyone who crosses his path. It makes life harder on the empaths in the world, especially when you marry or elect one. In typical narcissist fashion Trump wants to build a wall instead of a bridge.

What is the point of this post? I guess my point is this:

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I know most of you are hurting, feel emotionally raped and like you will never be happy again but please try to view this as a chance to grow, become a more authentic version of yourself and be a bridge for people who will come behind you. It doesn’t have to be through a blog or any obvious way; you can be a bridge, a light to other victim if you will; by NOT hanging your head in shame or hiding the truth from the world. Be the ear to some victim of abuse when they need to be heard, reach out in friendship when you see abuse happening, mentor a young girl so she knows she is complete and “good enough” without a man. Teach your children how a woman should be treated and show them by example how a strong woman behaves, it is not enough to tell them, you must walk your talk. Be the woman your daughter and son respect.

Even if you don’t have children of your own, you can still be a strong role model. View yourself as you would a friend or your daughter………what would you say to her, what would you wish for her, what does she deserve? and then do it for yourself. Sure it’s a lot of work and it will take time and it means stepping into the unknown, it means leaving your comfort zone, (doesn’t it just make you furious that your “comfort” zone is a place that causes you so much discomfort?)