Tag Archives: living true to yourself

Heart Breaks Do Heal

When the victim is leaving or has been dumped for the umpteenth time by the narcissist they feel like they can’t go on, won’t survive the pain.

I know I am not alone when I say I felt like I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. I literally had nothing to live for and no hope of ever changing my bleak future.

As my ex had told me, “No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, whining, suicidal bitch like you anyway”

And I don’t share this video in order to make you think your happiness resides in meeting another man and falling in love.

My point in sharing is to say, what seems hopeless, and what feels like the end to you ever being happy again is just one door closing, a door that needed to close in order for you to find your true self and real happiness.

What you think is a perfect fit and what you thought was your future will seem rediculous a few years from now.

So many victims lament that they want to be their “old self”, happy go lucky, niave, innocent, confident, but don’t know how now that they have known true evil.

You can’t go back, nor should you. You wouldn’t have even gotten into that mess, or stayed if there wasn’t something in you that needed fixing.

I believe we should all spend our whole life learning, growing and trying to be our best selves. I don’t think it is a goal we can ever attain.

Anyway, this woman tells a great story I think any divorcing woman can relate to or anyone who can look back to a time they had lost all hope. We never know what the future holds.

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When Will I Be My Old Self Again?

I hate to break it to you but you will never be your old self again, nor should you, for many good reasons. Here are a few reasons why you should take this opportunity to become the new and improved you.

1. Your old self got you into this mess in the first place, lets hope we all are wiser and stronger people for the experience. No experience in life is a waste as long as you learn and grow from it, don’t waste this chance to do some major personal growth.

2. Being naive and oblivious to the evils of the world gives us a false sense of security, and feeling secure is something everyone wants. We want to believe everyone has a good side, that bad things happen to other people, not us, evil people are in the movies and live somewhere else. We liked thinking we would be able to detect if someone was evil, we also used to believe in Santa Claus; but we all have to grow up and face reality some time.

3. Dwelling on the past and all you lost is only going to make you unhappy. Wishing things were different will only make you unhappy, you can’t change the past but you can change how you handle the future.

4. You can’t fix anyone else, you can’t change anyone else, but you have total control over how you live and if you live true to yourself and your core beliefs no one can ever make you feel guilty, less than, or that you don’t deserve to be happy.

5. No one, no matter how much you love them; has the right to expect you to compromise your principles or your well being. 

6. On the same note, to expect someone else to make you happy or feel valued is giving them too much responsiblity and pressure. I know I sure the hell don’t want the responsibility of someone else’s happiness and self worth.

7. It is not your fault you got sucked in by a narcissist because you didn’t know better, but now you do know better and need to figure out how to avoid it happening again. The scarest part for me was the thought that I had totally been a victim and had no control over what happened to me, it meant I had no control over it happening again. I HAD to find a way where I had control over what people did to me, I could not go the rest of my life helplessly reacting to life and the actions of others. 

(To not take some responsibility for it is setting yourself up for a life of fear and unhappiness. You are relying on luck to keep you safe and saying to yourself, “you are helpless to protect yourself”, then wonder why you keep getting hurt. There are women who go through life lamenting, “Why do I keep meeting assholes?” We all meet assholes, assholes are every where, the question should be, “Why do you stay with them?”)

8. Living true to your core values, having “deal breaker” boundaries, not sacrificing your happiness and security is NOT being selfish, it is being smart and it protects you from being a victim. Love is NOT sacrificing yourself, your values, your security, your morality. If someone says, “If you really loved me you would do this thing I ask.”  rephrase it and say, “If you really loved me you would not expect me to do something or accept something that I do not feel comfortable with.”

9. Some where along the way, during our upbringing, someone instilled in us that we are not complete or valueable without a partner in our life, that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. That is straight bullshit!! 

I am not a man hater, I am not the least bit bitter or jaded about relationships, a relationship can be wonderful, sharing your life with someone can be fantastic, a shoulder to lean on when life gets you down, someone to share the good times and weather the bad times with. I liked being part of a “couple”,  when a relationship is healthy there is nothing better but there is nothing worse than feeling alone when you aren’t, or always having to fight for your right to feel a certain way, there is nothing comforting about having to snoop to see if your spouse is being faithful, you should be able to trust your partner’s word, you should be able to trust your partner’s promises, you should be able to trust your own recollection of events and not be told you are crazy or paranoid. None of those things are part of a healthy loving relationship, and if you stay with that person, you never will have a healthy relationship.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future partner to take the time now to heal present and past hurts, deal with that inner voice that says you are not good enough, learn to set boundaries, YOUR deal breaker boundaries, learn to listen to your gut, to block the negative shit we have been told about ourselves, learn how to live a true and honest life in every area of your life. Stop being what you have been told you should be and start being the person you are meant to be. I guarantee you that if you start living life true to your core self you will know your worth and no one will ever be able to make you feel less than again, you will have less and less self doubt, and you WILL find inner peace. 

I recommend taking at least a year or two after a narcissist to heal before dating. If the thought of that makes you feel panicked and anxious, then you most definitely need to take a couple of years. If you need to find a man because you think the clock is ticking and time is running out for you to have a child, or you feel you can’t support yourself, or you can’t survive without a man, or all your friends are married and you feel like odd man out, and especially if you find yourself trying to be the kind of woman the man wants instead of being honest with yourself and him and admitting early on when the man is not the kind of man you want in your life. Too many times women bend over backwards trying to be what the man wants and making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour because they just started dating and don’t want to appear demanding or bitchy. 

I have actually had women come into the blog complaining because a guy doesn’t treat her with respect and at the same time describe how he got blind drunk their first date, she slept with him on the first date and she has been concerned about his drink all along, he has a warped sense of humor and expects her to come to his place for sex and then leave. He has never pretended to be in love with her and she is calling him a narcissist. No, you are a door mat that won’t demand a man treat you with respect. I think it was Dr Phil, or Oprah that said, “We teach people how to treat us.” And it is the truth. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept, asking for respect is not the same as demanding respect and being prepared to walk if you don’t get it.

So, please don’t wish to be your old self ………… strive to be your best self and make it a life long journey

People Who Build Bridges and Those Who Burn Them

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Sometimes you might have to burn a bridge to keep the narcissist from following you. And you have to be choosy about which bridges you choose to cross.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You  have noticed I changed the header picture on the blog. I took the picture this summer while Stella and I were wandering along the river last summer, no houses in site, no sign of people and then there in the middle of nowhere is a foot bridge someone obviously put a lot of time and effort into building.

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Of course I was intrigued to see where it led and tentatively put one foot on the bridge to test it for strength, it felt solid so I tried two feet and it held. It wasn’t far to fall if it did break but I really didn’t want to get wet. I was kinda nervous crossing the bridge because I didn’t know what would be on the other side but the bridge held, there was nothing scary on the other side and Stella and I went on our way. Ever since then I have wondered who built that sturdy little bridge and why they bothered.

What also surprised me is that no one had destroyed it! Usually when someone obviously works hard to create something, someone will come along and destroy it, maybe it is built so strong that it would take too much effort to destroy it.

The world is full of people who build bridges and those who destroy them.

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The selfish people who lack empathy burn or wreck the bridge because they don’t want anyone to attain what they do, as if there is only so much good stuff to go around and if they help someone else somehow they will lose out. Narcissists are the bridge burners, once they are done with a victim they feel they must destroy them and any hope the victim has of ever leading a happy fulfilling life. In the narcissist’s sick mind if he doesn’t destroy the victim before he leaves he hasn’t done the job, he failed, he loses and the victim wins. It is hard for a normal person to get their head around that kind of logic; if he leaves the victim with anything, including their self respect and esteem he somehow loses. The narcissist is like some kind of toxic leech that not only has to feed off of a live host, he won’t move on to the new host until he has sucked the first host dry.

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A narcissist sees no point in helping others be successful unless it benefits them, why would they? that just seems stupid to them. They will con someone into building the bridge for them and then they will either charge a toll to use it or burn it so no one else can use it.

With my ex ,everything had a price tag and everyone was fair game. He told me once that he would screw his own grandmother (not in the literal sense, he meant figuratively in a business deal. But as I say that, he probably would screw his own grandmother if she was willing)

Empaths build bridges. Their way of thinking is; if I have to go through this I will make it easier for the next guy, I will help the people who come behind me. Why? why not? Like when the welfare worker asked me why on earth I would have a blog that I put so much effort into, if I was not getting paid.

Or the cop who investigated my ex’s claims I was inciting violence against him through my blog, who asked me why else would I have the blog of not to disparage my ex. He totally understood when I explained that I would never stop sharing my experience because it is silence that perpetuates domestic abuse and I hoped that sharing my story would save someone else from the same fate or worse.

I also had a selfish ulterior motive and that was; I didn’t trust myself to not attempt suicide again. I didn’t trust myself to keep fighting and do the work necessary to heal BUT if I declared to the world I was going to heal and survive I couldn’t very well go and kill myself. What message would that send?

Another selfish reason I had for starting the blog was; it gave meaning to everything I had been through. If I didn’t use the experience to help others, if I didn’t experience personal growth and if it didn’t somehow make me a better person; then I had wasted 10 years and lost everything I owned, for nothing. I couldn’t live with that.

I feel it is the responsibility of every person to do what they can to make the world a better place; the narcissist does everything he can to destroy the world and anyone who crosses his path. It makes life harder on the empaths in the world, especially when you marry or elect one. In typical narcissist fashion Trump wants to build a wall instead of a bridge.

What is the point of this post? I guess my point is this:

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I know most of you are hurting, feel emotionally raped and like you will never be happy again but please try to view this as a chance to grow, become a more authentic version of yourself and be a bridge for people who will come behind you. It doesn’t have to be through a blog or any obvious way; you can be a bridge, a light to other victim if you will; by NOT hanging your head in shame or hiding the truth from the world. Be the ear to some victim of abuse when they need to be heard, reach out in friendship when you see abuse happening, mentor a young girl so she knows she is complete and “good enough” without a man. Teach your children how a woman should be treated and show them by example how a strong woman behaves, it is not enough to tell them, you must walk your talk. Be the woman your daughter and son respect.

Even if you don’t have children of your own, you can still be a strong role model. View yourself as you would a friend or your daughter………what would you say to her, what would you wish for her, what does she deserve? and then do it for yourself. Sure it’s a lot of work and it will take time and it means stepping into the unknown, it means leaving your comfort zone, (doesn’t it just make you furious that your “comfort” zone is a place that causes you so much discomfort?)

 

Try Being An Observer In Your Own Life

Just for a while, a day even, or longer if you really want to learn something about yourself, remove yourself from the action and look at yourself as an observer instead of a participant in your life.

What I mean is instead of reacting to the things going on in your life, just sit back and observe what is going on. If your ex N is trying to get a reaction from you, instead of going with your first reaction which will more than likely either be anger or hurt; don’t react. Remove yourself and observe what your body is telling you?, what is your mind telling you?, what is your gut telling you? Now listen to the narcissist from an intellectual stand point not an emotional one, look at him without the rose-colored glasses, without any self talk or excuses, just from the facts you have about him, not how your heart feels but by what your brain knows. You don’t have to do anything, ever, without taking the time to think about the decision you are making.

So many times the victim of the narcissist feels pressured to make hasty decisions, he wants you back and you are afraid that if you don’t say yes, he will walk out of your life. That is your heart, your fears, your insecurities talking; that is not intellectual, what your brain knows, or what your gut is telling you. Intellectually you should know that if this is true love and he is sincere, you taking a day or two to think about it; or a month or two for that matter, is not going to send him flying into another woman’s arms. If that is your fear and that is why you want to say yes; then you really have to figure out why you want to stay with a man you know does not love you enough to wait until you are sure of your decision. No normal human being is in love with one person one day and finds their soul mate the next. It/ Just/ Does/ Not/ Happen/

Take it farther than just the narcissist, be an observer in every aspect of your life. If you get pissed off at your kids, instead of immediately reacting, do nothing. Think about what you are feeling, are you angry or are you disappointed, or afraid? So many times a person’s “go-to” reaction to a situation is anger; but rarely is anger the emotion they are feeling. most times when a person reacts in anger they are hurt or fearful of something; if they take the time to analyze what they are feeling. To react in anger practically never has a positive outcome in any situation and if you are anything like me, after you fly off the handle and calm down, you feel guilty and apologize.

Not very productive and a total waste of emotional energy. By removing yourself from the situation figuratively and if need be physically (the more you do this the faster you can process your thoughts and won’t have to physically remove yourself, but if you feel you can not stay in the immediate vicinity of the other person, just say you need to take time to process what you are feeling and you will be back in say an hour.) I have taken days on occasion in the beginning.

Once you are alone with your thoughts get quiet and take a few deep breaths because you have to relax, at first you will be all pumped up with adrenaline because your fight or flight reflex kicked into high gear. It is really hard to walk away when someone hurts you or angers you, you want to defend yourself, attack back, respond! But that is part of what got you in so deep with the narcissist. Him pushing your buttons, you having a knee jerk reaction, him making you feel guilty, and he is still in control. See how that works?

What this exercise is doing is teaching you to identify exactly what you are feeling and then deciding on an appropriate response that you will not regret later. It is much easier to make a logical and rational decision if you are not in a state of heightened emotions. You have to learn to shut off your emotions for a minute, yes it can be done!! If a hot head like me can learn to control my temper so can you! and take deep breaths, clear your head and look at it as an observer.

Ask yourself:

– What am I feeling, fear? hurt? jealousy?
– Am I justified? (some times we aren’t)
– What can I do to feel better?
– What would make it ok for me?

See how you are in control of how you feel and making yourself feel better? Once you know what you are feeling and you know that those feelings are justified, you can identify what will make you feel better. i have found that many times I will be upset about something but when I take time to name what I am feeling, just the time away from the heat of the moment to clear my head and calm down, is all I needed, because my anger had nothing to do with the incident at hand but more to do with something else that happened that day, or it was triggered by some memory from the past.

If you can identify why you are feeling the way you are and express it like:
I am feeling very hurt because I asked you to be home for dinner and you weren’t and you didn’t call. (you are talking to your teenagers now 🙂 I feel disrespected because you didn’t feel you should call and let me know.

Do you see how that is so much more productive than screaming at them that they are inconsiderate slobs who never show you any respect and you are tired of working all day and coming home to a mess, cooking supper and they can’t even take the time to give you a call. Well they are grounded now!!

By getting in touch with what you are really feeling and discussing what you are feeling you are living true to yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and giving the other person the opportunity to deal with the REAL issue and alter their behavior. Of course this does not work with the narcissist, but it does make all of your other relationships more pleasant and brings you much closer.

Let’s look at another scenario, you are have gone no contact and are doing very well but tonight you are fighting with the phone. You are ready to dial that number, you can’t stop yourself. Stop! step away and be an observer for a few minutes. What are you feeling? you are not allowed to say “I love him” “I miss him”, those are not complete answers. Ask yourself;

– What do I hope to accomplish by phoning him?

– What can I say I haven’t said a hundred times before?

– How often do you call and get off the phone feeling better?

– Is this phone call going to fix your problem?

– What will fix my problem? anything?

– What can I do to make myself feel better?

What you are doing when you do this, is learning to self sooth, realize that the other person can not fix you or make you feel better about yourself, only you can do that.

I think it was Eckert Tolle that said in order for a person to have a peaceful life they have to live true to themselves. Part of the control the narcissist has and part of the reason the victim has such a hard time breaking away is; the victim starts to compromise their core beliefs, they have allowed someone (the N) to cross boundaries and they are not at peace with themselves inside. In order to have true peace in your life you must have all areas of your life reflect your core beliefs and morals. I thought I could stay true to my core values turn a blind eye to the fact that James did not value my beliefs or live by them. But a person can’t, it eats away at them, at their self-worth, they don’t like themselves and soon they rely on the N for their self-worth because they are living in his value system not their own.

The narcissist knows that if he can get you to compromise your principles he is going to be able to break you.

Allowing the abuse to continue is one of the biggest boundaries you allowed him to cross, you need him to approve of you, love you, to justify breaking one of your core values.

When a person makes decisions rashly, in the heat of anger, fear or anxiety they rarely make wise choices or if they do make good choices they second guess them once they calm down; that is why it is so important to learn to name what you are truly feeling and make decisions from a calm centered place. The last thing you want to do is feel guilty because the narc will zero in on that guilt and manipulate you with it, sure as shooting. I know, I have been there!

That’s why it is never a good idea to try to beat the N at his own game, tit for tat never works with a narcissist because we feel guilty and he doesn’t. If your N was anything like James, the neighbors only ever heard your voice during fights, James would almost whisper his insults, I would try to walk away and he would have one more zinger to lay on me as I walked away. something like <“You know I am right, that’s why you walk away, you can’t face the truth.”

Invariably I would bite the bait and have to defend myself, my voice getting louder and higher pitched with every one of his attacks, until I sounded like the psycho bitch he told everyone I was and then I would hate myself for losing control. So what do you do when the narc just won’t leave you alone and keeps badgering you until you break? You leave the relationship is what you do. Because a loving partner would not bait you like that, a healthy person would respect your right to walk away and collect your thoughts, a loving partner would not be accusing you of things you are not doing. If this is going on in your relationship, it is toxic. Get out.

I have an interesting realization the other day, that kinda pertains to this sort of thing. I am sure you all remember they moved my boat back 2 slips because someone complained about Stella barking. Then my neighbor called me over and confessed it was his wife and that she works graveyard shift and that is why she had complained. He was very apologetic and I thanked him for his honesty. But he said something else that I didn’t may much attention to at the time.

He said “In all honesty, I don’t think it had much to do with the dog and more to do with you.”

I took it to mean that I had been more annoying trying to coax stella into the boat than stella. But now that my boat has been moved I have been paying more attention to what is going on around me. When I moved into the boat everyone was very welcoming and friendly, introduced themselves etc including the husband that talked to me about the complaint, but his wife never was friendly. I hardly ever saw her and if she did leave the boat when I was outside she never said hi or even looked at me. I assumed she was shy or just not a friendly person. Her husband always said hi or made small talk for a few minutes when we were both outside but if she walked up he immediately went in their boat.

But now that I am back two spots and the guy who was behind me is now in front of me I hear her chatting with him all the time, laughing etc. Then it dawned on me what her husband meant. She was jealous of me, afraid that her husband and I would be boinking while she is away working. Which is rather ridiculous, I know she doesn’t know me but it is a marina, we are all only a few feet away from each other, I am sure if there was any kind of hanky panky going on everyone would know about it.

But you see, she reacted to the situation instead of sitting back and thinking logically about it. I don’t know if she has reason to not trust him, but even if she does have just cause, moving my boat is not going to stop him. i am sure he has plenty of opportunity to cheat every day, she can’t be there to intercept every woman who might cross his path, she will drive herself crazy. The problem is not that there are other women in the world besides her, the problem is her husband can’t be faithful. She needs to decide, live with it or not. He is not going to change and she will drive herself crazy trying to prevent something that might or might not happen but is totally out of her control. She can not control what he does, she can voice her need for him to be monogamous, but it is totally up to him whether he respects that or not; then it is on her to decide whether she can live with it or not.

What she has done by over reacting and placing a false complaint against me is make everyone feel sorry for me because I thought it was James, she has made herself look insecure and paranoid to her husband and to me and anyone else who has figured it out, she more than likely is feeling guilty about what she did and perhaps a little foolish and it did no good!! she didn’t fix the problem, she is still jealous and he is still her husband and I am only two boats away.

When you live true to your values and express yourself honestly and are honest with yourself, you can’t help but live a more peaceful life.