Tag Archives: lying

Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?

I have always believed honesty is the best policy.  No matter what, when it comes right down to it, if you don’t know what to do; go with honesty and let the pieces fall where they may. Lying only perpetuates more lying and almost invariably it will back fire in your face. Lying about other people is a real sore spot with me, mainly because I have been the victim of a smear campaign and dealt with people who chose to believe the lies and refuse to even entertain the idea that they are believing lies. I have had to end friendship’s with people who believed the lies even though they professed to not be taking sides. Sometimes there is no choice, people have to choose sides because if they don’t they are condoning or agreeing with the lies or behavior. 

I really hate dealing with conflict and have always preferred to keep the peace at all cost but I have found since the narcissist I have anxiety attacks at the first sign of dishonesty or if I hear slander or gossip. 

I suppose that’s because while with my ex the honesty line got blurred from black and white to a solid grey and eventually the narcissistic fog obliterated it from sight all together.

My ex was forever being accused of stealing and every job he ever had was lost due to being “falsely” accused of stealing. He lied about cheating on me, about how much money he made, he lied about having 6 months to live for God sake!

He lied when he didn’t even have to lie. It got to the point I just automatically assumed he was lying and was pleasantly surprised when he wasn’t. 

In the beginning I would bring him up on it if I caught him lying. (*hint. If you have to teach a full grown man about the virtues of honesty. Run!!) 

I thought the lying was a rare thing and due to low self confidence or out of fear of losing me. Haha. Rather ironic, I believed he lied about inconsequencial things because he had lied to me about how all the women in his life had screwed him over and left him. I was going to show him what real love was all about. Gawd! Thinking back I was SO naive!

 As time went on I realized his lies weren’t always so innocent and I would try to tell him it was wrong to lie. (If you find yourself trying to teach a grown man how to be a responsible adult, run!)  

I struggled with his lies; I was embarrassed by them, it went against my values and it bothered me.  

Cognitive dissonance had me telling myself that his actions weren’t a reflection on me. I was not responsible for his actions as long as I remained honest. It was not my position to act as judge and jury. 

But it doesn’t work that way. If you live with a liar you are assumed to also be a liar. If you are an honest person and you know your significant other is scamming someone is it your responsibility to warn them? 

Does it depend on the severity of the crime? If you are the wife of a man who sexually abuses under-age girls and you know. As long as you don’t participate in it are you responsible for ensuring he doesn’t abuse any more girls? Should you be punished for turning a blind eye?

As we are seeing now with various celebrities bring accused of molesting women; are the people who knew about it and didn’t say anything also guilty?

As much as I told myself his actions weren’t a reflection on me, I noticed I had become very cautious about who I told he was my boyfriend. I started wanting to warn people, I was not proud to be his girlfriend.   

After losing a 3rd job for being falsely accused of stealing, I found myself explaining to him that when you take things that don’t belong to you people tend to think you are stealing. People are funny that way. (*hint. If anyone is over the age of 3 and doesn’t know this. Run!!)

I had to ask myself why I was with someone I was ashamed to admit I was with? But by that time I was in so deep I didn’t see a way out. He had sabotaged my truck to the point it was only running maybe a 1/3 of the time. The repairs kept me broke, I was fighting a losing battle. 

He started to not come home at night and I didn’t even lose sleep. I knew to get angry was useless. I had gotten really good at suppressing my emotions. If I cried I heard, “That’s all you ever do is cry”. If I got angry I heard, “This is exactly why I don’t come home. You’re always angry!” If I was suspicious I was called jealous and paranoid. I started keeping track of every time I cried or got angry on a calendar. 

But I never left. So I just prayed he would tell me a good enough lie that I could lie to myself. I knew he was lying, that wasn’t the point; I didn’t believe anything he said anyway. But as long as he was lying I didn’t have to face reality. As long as he was lying he still “cared” and I still had a glimmer of hope that maybe he wasn’t lying this time and he really did love me. 

All victims of a narcissist live on hope and that is the hardest thing to lose. The victim knows he abuses her and treats her like shit, she knows he is cheating, she knows he is lying but she has hope. Hope is a big thing, without hope it’s hard to find a reason to go on. 

* NOTE * He is not the only one playing mind games, the worst ones are the games we play on ourselves!

I kept hearing this voice in my head saying, “How can you be with someone you are ashamed of and don’t respect?

After I left him I felt hopeless and of course he took every opportunity to make me feel hopeless. I felt totally broken and I didn’t have a clue how to put me back together, I could not ever get my innocence back. I have compared it to feeling like a puzzle someone dumped on the floor. But pieces were missing and pieces from another puzzle were mixed in. I was overwhelmed to the point of immobility. 

I knew in order to be happy I had to live according to my moral standards and if I was living with someone who was consistently dishonest I wasn’t living true to my core self.

How was I going to put myself back together and ever find my core self, who was I? 

I started the process the same way I would start putting a puzzle together; one piece at a time.

I looked at every horrible thing he told me I was. I owned what was true about me and I threw out what wasn’t. The things that were true but I didn’t like; I vowed to change.

This analysis of myself took me back to when I was a child and things I was told about myself when I was growing up. I had always been told I was “too sensitive”, I was a “flake”, I was never good enough, skinny enough, out going enough. Without even realizing it I had spent most of my life feeling like an impostor who could be exposed at any minute because I was trying to be what other people told me I should be.

When you are not living true to your core self it is impossible to have inner peace and it is very easy for a narcissist to make you feel “less than”.

Somehow I knew that if I could figure out who I was at the core and liked me that was going to be 1/2 the battle of protecting myself from another narcissist.

It has gotten easier over time, (7 years) to not succumb to the pressure from my ego. Our ego gets us in big trouble you know. My mother has a technique that my ex used also. They want you to do something or agree with them that someone else is wrong so they say something like, “You would never do something like that.” Or “You always help me, not like so and so.” My ex would say something like, “you are nothing like my ex’s, I can talk to you. You are calm and rational. All my ex’s were psycho bitches.”  It makes you better, favorable.  

* Later when he was calling ME a psycho bitch I said.

” I would be concerned if I was you.”

He grinned and snorted, “and why is that?”

Me: “Well, all your exs were psycho bitches and now you are calling me a psycho bitch.”

Him: “Yeah. So.”

Me: “Well. I’ve been thinking. Either you are attracted to psycho bitches, or you turn women into psycho bitches. Either way; you have a real problem.”

It is human nature to want to compare favorably to others, to be the “best” and it’s a very subtle way of getting someone to comply.

I have had a dilemma lately where someone I know has been lying a lot about other people and being vengeful to make herself look better. Privately I have brought her up on it. I have been trying to not play into their drama and pity party stating outright I refused to get pulled into the dysfunction. I thought I had it under control, but then they lied before I had a chance to run interference and I exposed them. 

They went on a tearful campaign proclaiming their innocence and I was made to look like the bad guy and now everyone is angry with me.

With a relationship with a narcissist I always advise going no contact but sometimes that is not possible or not easy, say; with a parent or sibling. 

I have had people come into the blog asking what they can do about the sibling who constantly makes trouble and lie’s about them or a parent that causes drama but always comes away smelling like a rose. I never know what to say and these recent events reminded me what a helpless feeling it is to deal with these toxic people. 

They won’t kill you and are not as blatant as most narcissists but damaging none the less. If it is a family member, to go no contact means you lose your whole family. You sit at home for Christmas, you are the one who is made to feel the pariah. 

It’s not so easy to live true to your core self and set boundaries when you face losing your whole family.

Have you ever dealt with a toxic family member? How did you handle it? Did you turn a blind eye or speak out? What was the outcome? 

What The Hell Were You Thinking

in the club

There was something that struck me right between the eyes while being interviewed by Eddie this week; when he asked me why I stayed or went back, the answer I gave sounded so feeble. Even as I was saying it I was thinking, “This answer is so inadequate, it sounds weak, feeble.” I think Eddie said something like, “I hear the things he did and can’t help but wonder why you would stay”. That is not a direct quote but you get the idea.

The thing is, I KNOW it sounds crazy that I would stay 10 years with someone who I suspect was having my vehicles stolen, sabotaging my vehicles and physically and mentally abusing me. What normal healthy person would stay with someone like that? To say he denied doing it, sounds feeble; who wouldn’t deny it? To say I loved him sounds really feeble because how can you love someone you think can kill you?To say I was in denial sounds a little bit more understandable but then we are back to it being my fault for staying and yes it was ultimately my decision to stay or go back; it is just not that simple and straight forward.

trust

I have been trying to come up with a short, concise, accurate way of explaining why a victim stays and what is going on within the relationship to confuse the victim enough they would stay with an abusive person.

I just don’t know that it can be explained in 5 or 10 minutes of an hour long interview, I don’t think it could be explained if you took the whole hour trying to explain it. Because until you have dealt with crazy you just can not understand the mind fuck (excuse me but sometimes fuck is the only word that adequately describes something) the victim goes through and if you have been through it; it needs no explanation because mind fuck pretty well covers it.

I know that in order for society to understand and have some empathy for the victims someone has to come up with some way of explaining it in a way the lay person can grasp what the victim is thinking. So I am going to attempt that here, now, today, in as few words as possible for no other reason that I need to be able to find the words to describe it and justify my actions I suppose. I desperately want people to understand and it is the one thing I have struggled with from day one of blogging and raising awareness. The victims always relate, OMG!! finally someone who understands, someone who knows what they have been through. But like I said, it is great victims find someone who can relate and empathize with them but we need to somehow come up with an explanation where society says, “OMG! I understand now! I would have stayed too” or at the very least says, “I don’t know what I would have done in the same situation.” Because right now I know people listen to victims speak of the abuse and think, “I would have walked away, I would never have put up with that shit, what was wrong with them? How did they let it get so far?”

My shortest explanation: Society has a way of relating, behaving, general rules that most of us follow and it works for the most part. A person is supposed to be honest and if they aren’t honest when they get caught in a lie and confronted, they confess and either apologize or tell you to take a fucking flying leap. We are told that if a person is lying there are ways you can tell; ie: they won’t look you in the eyes, but what if the person who is lying to you looks you straight in the eyes? what if they can pass a lie detector test? what if no matter how much proof you have they still deny deny deny? I will never forget overhearing James tell my son, “If you are ever caught by anyone doing something wrong, even the cops; just deny deny deny……….. what can they do? never admit to anything.” You see most people, when they lie and get caught in their lie, feel guilty and confess eventually. I never lie because I swear a big neon sign lights up above my head flashing “Liar Liar!!” that is guilt doing it’s job. BUT a narcissist doesn’t feel guilt so he can look you straight in the eyes and deny everything with such conviction you doubt your own eyes, ears and memory.

drown

If the evidence is so compelling there is no way he can deny it then he will blame shift and accuse you of doing something equally as bad. Before you know it, because you are honest and hate to be falsely accused of anything you defend yourself. Viola! you are now in defensive mode and not thinking about what he did, then he rejects YOU for this untrue crime and you end up begging him to believe you would never do that. Or he gets angry at you for snooping and invading his privacy and from that day forward everything he lies about is your fault because you drove him to it with your spying and false accusations.

You keep thinking that you will find the evidence you need to PROVE once and for all that he is lying and then he will HAVE to admit it and you will be validated because there is nothing worse than being falsely accused of doing anything. We are so honest and would never do the things he says we are, we become obsessed with proving we are not wrong.

Also, this person pretended to be the most honest person we have ever met, they told us things about themselves that were not flattering to them, they maybe even cried when they admitted to it so we assume that they are normal people with normal guilt and that if they were lying they would eventually admit it and feel sorry. That is the way the world works, those are the “rules”.

So after denying denying denying the victim eventually gets fed up and is sure they are lying, besides they are acting like they hate you and you can’t change their mind so you accept that this relationship is not working. It breaks your heart but you have to admit the truth and you leave. In a normal relationship you may be angry but couples usually try to split as amicably as possible. you both loved each other at one time and you try to stay friendly, you have broken up before and there was never a problem staying on friendly terms with any of your other ex’s. But all of a sudden they are telling you that you deserted them, it was your choice to leave. No, you didn’t want to leave, you thought they didn’t love you and wanted you to leave. They are so sad, look so lost without you, they are calling all the time and professing their love, you want to believe them and they out of the blue admit they were wrong, they treated you horribly and they are so sorry, they cry, they ask for a second chance.

in a normal world a person who cries and admits they were wrong and asks for a second chance intends to change; why would he admit he was wrong if he didn’t believe he was wrong? If he knows you are hurt and angry about him, say seeing other women or having personal ads; he had a choice, you left, if that is what he wants he is free to do so, you are out of the picture. But he came to you, he admits he was wrong, he asks for another chance. No one does that unless they plan to change; except a narcissist. Sure there are people who would say, “if he cheated on me one time I would never go back, or if he hit me once that would be the last time he ever had the chance to hit me again. And those people would not go back and bravo for them. I suppose there are people in the world who can look at a person that they love with all their being, a person they have committed to loving through the good times and the bad, crying and asking for a second chance and walk away. I suppose there are people who are so cold-hearted they never forgive anyone, and they would never get hurt by a narcissist.

I know in my past I had always had my own home, I was a home owner and if the relationship didn’t work out I had the home and he had to get out, I even paid a guy to go away because he wanted part of my house because he had done work on it. It pissed me off to have to pay him out but I had credit and was able to avoid lawyers and just gave him some money and told him if he was smart he would take the money and not fight me for more. He took the money and I never saw him again.

I didn’t have that option when things went bad with James, the other thing people don’t understand, when the victim says he wouldn’t let them work or isolated them. They think, “how did he isolate you? he didn’t chain you to a chair”, “no man would ever tell ME I can’t work!” “I have a career, there is no way I would ever not be able to get a job if I wanted to” “I would never just hand over my money to any man” All things I have said in the past when I heard the excuses women gave for staying.

James never once said to me, “You can not work” in fact he bitched profusely about having to support me and kept saying I needed to be on my own and support myself so I would know what it feels like. I thought he was having some sort of break down, what the hell did he think I was doing all those years as a single working mom? I looked for work, but I was getting unemployment benefits and ,making as much as if I was working and able to stay home and cook and clean like James seemed to want. When I did have a job interview the car was never working and he would have to drive me and I would miss the interview, YES I would get angry but it did no good. I didn’t want to leave without a job, I had no support system, no job, no money and James told me if I left I left with nothing. I was terrified of being homeless, I thought I could hang in long enough to get a steady cheque coming in and a bit of cash saved for furniture etc. Then there would be the romantic nights, we would have some good times, but he was never happy for long of course.

Then he was saying I forced him into living together. We did start living together rather quickly so I could see that maybe we went too fast and needed to take a step back. I would move out and we could date and take it slow, but then he moved in with me and wouldn’t leave. To me it meant that he didn’t realize what he had until it was gone, he must love me or he wouldn’t want to be with me. By nature I am a trusting person and take a person at face value, i never expected there would be some evil plot against me, that any man would purposely do things with the intention of hurting and destroying me. Only a paranoid person would think that.

(This is getting a lot longer than I intended, and so there in lies the problem, it is never cut and dried, there are extenuating circumstances, things that are out of our control and out of our frame of reference, we are “winging” it without any idea of who we are dealing with)

In my previous relationships we just pooled our money and paid the bills, I was in charge of the finances in past relationships and to be honest I was quite happy to let him have some of the responsibility. He made a lot more money than me and always would, he had excellent professions, heavy duty mechanic, Class 1 driver, welder/fabricator; all of which paid and pay excellent money. There is no way I could contribute equal, in past relationships I had made the most money and I never quibbled about who made more, we were a couple and we lived on what we brought in as a couple. Which seemed fine with him at first but then we started arguing about money, I didn’t keep my receipts, I didn’t record my finances, I just knew what bills needed to be paid, how much money came in and I paid the bills. He kept records, I thought, “OK, i will have to change the way I do things, I will record my finances also.” No problem right? But he pass worded the accounting program so I couldn’t use it and he never recorded my receipts properly and then accused me of spending I could not disprove. He kept a journal, he would record things in his journal and get angry with me for them and I had no recollection of what he was talking about. He would refer to his journal so i started journaling. I kept thinking, “These are not big problems, he has some quirks that I can accommodate.

He had gotten involved with a married woman when he was only 13 or something and she was rich. She took him to live with her in California when he was 14, she registered him in school down there. ( what his parents were thinking I do not have a clue but like hell would any woman twice my son’s age and married!! to boot, take my 14 year old son out of the country to be her boy toy) He told me all these horror stories about what a drunk she was, how she never appreciated him, etc and I thought he just had a warped idea of how relationships work and that if I was patient and loving he would see that not all women are psycho bitches. I explained to him that he may not realize it but that was child abuse on her part, at 14 he was not mature enough to know how to be in an adult relationship.

Then he had gotten involved with a much younger girl and I chalked that up to being because he had been with this older woman. He told me she had been the love of his life, had his child and disappeared. It tore him apart and his mom told the same story, even said to me she was afraid what he would do if our relationship were to end, she didn’t think he could handle the pain of losing someone he loved again. His dad was dying of cancer, my son and brother were going through their shit. My family was not supportive of me at all they were so consumed with their own problems and to be honest I had always been the one people leaned on in tough times, so they were more angry at me for not being there than concerned for me. They were angry at me for being so “weak” and not standing up to James, not being there for the family. They could never rely on me because my vehicle was never running. I had always thought my brother would never allow any man to hit me, i think we all have this image of our brother defending their sisters honor. I didn’t tell my family anything of what was going on because I didn’t want to worry them and I was preparing to leave. I was trying to save a bit of money, I was used to taking care of myself and being self sufficient, I felt I was strong enough to do it on my own.

But it is not that simple. Life is never simple with the narcissist. The victim keeps getting mixed messages. He wants you out, he is done, it is over. You are heart broken but you accept it and start to look for a place. You are crying and upset of course, you know it is going to be tough for a while until you can find a place and move out. Couples rarely just break up and the next day one of them move out. There is a period of time before one of them can move. Well, with the narcissist, he can hate you in the morning and by the time he gets home from work he loves you again. There were days when he would storm out the door in the morning and call at noon, using his sweet “baby” voice and ask how I was. I would be crying and he would say, “Aw baby, I hate to hear you cry. Meet me here and come ride with me the rest of the day, get out of the house for awhile.” I would meet him and he would act to happy to see me, we would have a great day with me riding with him in the gravel truck and I wouldn’t know what was going on. We would make love, he would be sweet and I wouldn’t know what to do.

So there we go, 2830 words and two hours of typing and I still haven’t come up with a concise, easy to understand reason why the victim stays. I am not even half way through telling all the reasons I stayed. I think sometimes the only thing we can say is, ‘You had to be there. You have to have dealt with it to understand. Trust me, it was hell on earth, he was evil and I am not and never have been crazy, but living with crazy will make you think you are crazy. Don’t judge me, you might not have survived it.”

How do you explain why you stayed? or do you even bother to try any more?