Tag Archives: Murder

An Easter Message From My Inner Chick

My blogging friend Kim, from My Inner Chick once again touched my heart with her post and I wanted to share it with you all.

We all have waffled on whether we should leave or not, left and gone back, and we all thought, “He would never do anything to “really” hurt me. He would never kill me. “I am just being paranoid”, “he’s a cheater, not a murderer”, “sure he’s jealous but he would never kill me”. “I go back because he threatens to kill himself, he would never hurt me.”, “I am just going to see what he has to say,” Whatever lie you tell yourself to stifle that gnawing in your stomach that is telling you to stay away, you are in danger.

That is your natural instinct telling you to run, you are in danger but you don’t want to hear that, you want your fantasy, you want the love of your life, your soul mate. The love of your life, your soul mate would not hurt you, the love of your life would die to protect you. The love of your life would never make you the enemy, the love of your life would never hurt you with words let alone physically. The love of your life would never sneer as you cry, he would never call you names or twist your words, he would never turn on you and look at you with loathing.

So he/she can not be the love of your life, if you have parents, children or friends that care for you; do you want them to live with the pain of your murder? Do you want them to pack that burden for the rest of their lives? because you will be gone, it will be the people who love who will be left to carry the pain forever more. They will have to bury you, perhaps sit in court while your ex tells his lies, they will be the ones who ultimately lose. Not you, not the narcissist but the people who are left behind to mourn you and forever more wish they had one more day, feeling guilty because they didn’t save you some how. They will you know, they will feel guilty for not somehow saving you from yourself and from the N. You will leave children to miss their mother’s love.

When you think about the pain your loved ones will endure and are enduring knowing you are in danger and just won’t listen to reason; do you realize how selfish you are being? I didn’t, I always say I would die for my son, but I didn’t leave James, my son suffered because of that, I know it caused damage for my boy to worry about his mom, I can barely talk about it because of the guilt I feel.

Anyway, here is the link to Kim’s post.

You Never Know What a Narcissist Is Capable Of

I think much of society and the victims themselves are in denial of what a narcissist is capable of when faced with having his fragile, fabricated life exposed.

Even when I knew my truck was being sabotaged in ways that endangered my life or when I felt the need to tell someone that if anything ever happened to me, to go after my ex; I still stayed. I questioned myself, how could I love someone who I suspected could kill me? The first time he strangled me until I blacked out; as I lost consciousness and everything went black I thought to myself, “he is going to feel so bad when he realizes he killed me. How will he explain it to my son.”

I remember being shocked that he was not as worried and horrified by what happened as I was. He was on the computer and I was in the bedroom, not wanting to believe what had just happened, he had not said he was sorry, he had blamed me, called me a stupid cunt. A year earlier, if anyone would have asked me what I would do if a man ever did that to me, I would have told them, “I would be out of there so fast his head would be spinning.” But there I was in the bedroom, not packing up my stuff, not calling the police, but thinking of how bad he must feel and trying to think of a way to make it better.

I stayed 9 more years and luckily I survived it, barely. By the end of 10 years with him I was wishing he would kill me and put me out of my misery. By the end of 10 years I was sure he was going to kill me, I just didn’t know when, either that or I was going to kill myself, but I didn’t have the strength to leave any more. I knew what he was, I knew there was no love there, even during his “good” periods, it was just a feeble effort on his part and just as feeble an effort on my part to pretend to believe things would ever be different. I had grown tired and had given up, I was existing, given up on ever having better, I was dead inside, there was no joy, no hope, just acceptance that this was to be my life.

Get out, before you get to the point of acceptance.

Before you console yourself with the fact that he has never hit or strangled you watch this video. You don’t have to be physically abused to be in danger. Narcissists/psychopaths are experts at controlling their behavior, they can put on an act for years before something puts them over the edge.

JC was only physically abusive a couple of times before I left him the first time. For most of the relationship he didn’t lay a hand on me. He destroyed my stuff, called me names, sabotaged my vehicles but there was no physical abuse until the last year we were together. Even so, I didn’t fear him when he went into a rage, I feared him when he went silent. I knew if he was going to kill me, he was not stupid enough to do it in a way he would be a suspect, it was going to be planned.

I know it is hard to believe someone you know, let alone love; could ever kill you. At times, after so many years away from him I look back and think, “Maybe I imagined things”. Sometimes if I am telling someone what went on in the relationship I can see that look in the person’s eyes that tells me they don’t believe me or they think I was paranoid and imagining things. I think, “Maybe I was so emotionally drained, so depleted, I was hyper vigilant and reading things into events that weren’t true”. Then I watch a video like the one above and I know; I wasn’t imagining anything and I was one of the lucky ones that managed to get away.

Fact – Surviving a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath is a matter of how long will your luck hold out.

You are living with a time bomb, round and round you go, when he will explode no one knows; just because he has never hit you does not mean he won’t kill you.