Tag Archives: Narcissist Apology

The Only Reason Why The Narcissist Apologizes and Begs You Back

It doesn’t make sense. It was his idea to split, then when you left he blamed you for the relationship failing OR he road off into the sunset with his new woman, gleefully pointing out all the ways she is so much better than you.

You struggled with the guilt, self doubt and endless nights of obsessing about him and his new woman. You shed more tears than you thought was humanly possible and finally you started to get stronger. You may not be 100% healed but you got back on your feet and you are surviving.

Although you may still shed a tear or two, you accept he is a narcissist and you stay no contact out of self preservation. You no longer fantasize about getting back together, you know you will never get the apology you wanted for possibly years. Perhaps you are making good money, maybe starting to date, you have reconnected with friends and ……….. you can see happiness in your future.

And then out of nowhere he appears at your door, or he calls, or shows up at your work place and he is sweet, meek, remorseful, gentle with you and practically gushing with love and regret. Taking full responsibility for his actions and for hurting you. Why? Why would he apologize now? 

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You haven’t called him, not like all the other times you split when you would blow up his phone with text messages begging for a reason why he hated you. You never called him, never begged, in fact you haven’t even seen him in all this time, so he is there in front of you of his own free will; saying all the things you longed to hear for so long. The only reason he can possibly be there is if he has had am epiphany and realizes his mistake and really loves you. You know him, and he never apologized in the past, not a real heart felt apology.

Even if at first you feel strong enough to not succumb to his charms eventually his persistence will start to wear you down, you will start to fall in love with him again. He will be acting so sincere, and consistently being sweet and helpful, understanding, you will once again talk all night about the future, the way couples in love do. The love making will be passionate again and you will get that tingle when he touches you, once again he is in your thoughts all day, but they are happy thoughts this time, like in the beginning. He calls regularly and arrives on time and gives you a full account of his activities without you even asking him. He no longer packs his phone everywhere with him and leaves it laying out for you to check anytime you want and you do, and find nothing suspicious.

If he doesn’t mean it, why would he be making such an effort? he could have other women and you have no doubt that he has had other women, why wouldn’t he just stay with one of them,? why come back to you?

That is what I was thinking when I went back to James, plus he had said he was given 6 months to live just for safe measure. Who lies about dying??!! I told myself that my gut screaming at me to run was just because of the past and people can change and even if it didn’t work out I had proven to myself and him that I was independent and quite capable of taking care of myself. After all most of our fights were about money and me not making enough and now I was making good money, had a successful business, was buying a home, and I knew I could survive without him and I thought I knew how to avoid the fights, I was smarter and more aware and I could foresee trouble and nip it in the bud.

I had my faults in the relationship also, I couldn’t believe how I had reacted at times, no wonder he got sick of my crying and being suspicious. (We can have selective memories too at times and we are usually quick to forgive and forget, we don’t expect a person to wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of their lives). And THIS time, at the first sign of trouble I will be out of there, no more chances!

So, what happened? what went wrong?

I was naive, I didn’t educate myself on narcissists, I believed that they never apologize so when he came back and was so humble and contrite i convinced myself that he must not be a narcissist. In fact he even admitted that he might be one when he apologized and said he would get help. I didn’t know they can’t be cured.

I didn’t realize what the real reason for him coming back was until a couple of years after I left for the last time.

He came back to destroy me.

You see, in the past I had always begged, pleaded, bargained and he would “do me the favor” of trying again. He would take me back because he didn’t want to see me on the street with no where to go. He hated to see me cry.

But this time I had blocked him, changed my cell phone number ( I never used my land line) and within a few months I was doing pretty good, had a handsome younger man chasing me, was buying a mobile home, etc etc and he had not destroyed me by leaving me. His ego could not handle it, I was supposed to be grovelling, a broken pile of emotions on the floor, helpless without him and I wasn’t. And I had to pay for that. He came back with the sole intention of destroying me so when he left next time I would be a grovelling, broken, insecure, lonely, cripple filled with self doubt. And he continues to pop into my life now and then just to stir the pot and try to create havoc in my life and so far I have survived every time he tries.

If you aren’t strong and self sufficient, you will still pay. If you go running back just so happy he graced you with his presence again, then he will punish you for being so F’ing stupid to believe his lies yet again and the abuse will start almost immediately.

Watch this 4 minute video by Sam Vaknin, where he explains it.

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Why Would He Bother? – Boomerang 101

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No matter how many times you throw a boomerang away; it always comes back and if you aren’t careful it will hit you right in the head.

Twenty years later, you have moved on with your life, maybe you are married, or divorced, widowed? but the narcissist has not entered your mind in years. It was, admittedly the most painful time of your life; but you moved on eventually and life has been good, you have bought a home, your career is taking off, and the future looks bright.

And then; you get a friend request on Facebook, or out of the blue he calls you; the narcissist. You are immediately suspicious, after all this time what does he want? Your gut tells you to ignore him but your curiosity gets the better of you. After all, you are over him, you love someone else, or maybe you are single but you certainly know you will never go down that road again, you don’t have to touch that hot stove again.

Years have gone by, he won’t have the same effect on you, you are so much stronger than you were in your 20’s, you are more confident, self-sufficient, sure of yourself. What harm can it do to just talk to him? See what kind of story he has to tell.

He is so grateful you accept his friend request or sounds nervous on the phone and almost immediately he bursts into a heartfelt apology for all the hurt he caused you so many years ago. He really sounds sorry and even though you thought you had moved on it feels damn good to get an apology and finally hear him say it was all his fault. You are a generous person and when he says it was totally all his fault you say,”It takes two, I had my faults in the relationship too, I mean I was suspicious and lost my temper.”

But he insists, No, you did everything right, he was wrong to treat you the way he did. All he wanted to do was call to apologize, he doesn’t want to disrupt your life; and he sounds relieved. He asks if you are happy and you tell him yes, very. he says that is good, he is happy to hear that and almost sheepishly he tells you that he has done pretty well for himself financially and well….. he owes much that to you and he wants you to know that if you need anything, anything at all just ask; then he says he has to go. Thanks you for accepting his apology and says he won’t bother you again. You say good-bye and catch yourself smiling to yourself.

A few days pass and you receive a message from the narcissist on Facebook to have a nice day and saying it felt really good to hear your voice. They missed having you in their life.

Before you know it you are checking Facebook to see if he has left a message, you check his Facebook to see if he is involved with anyone. You are just curious, you would check anyone you ran into after 20 years, it doesn’t mean anything.

After a few weeks he calls and says he would love to see you, can he buy you dinner, he will understand if you say no, he just wanted to see you face to face, bring a date if you want or your husband. He would love to meet the smart man who knew a good thing when he saw it and hung on to you, and he laughs, a little too exuberantly; you can tell he regret losing you. You feel attractive and validated, strong and in control so you accept the dinner invitation.

And so it goes, before too long you are meeting more often (and not telling your husband, after all why worry him, he wouldn’t understand how you can be friends with the narc and it IS just friends). Then why do you feel those butterflies in your stomach? why are you buying a new outfit to wear to dinner and why do you feel like a schoolgirl…………you haven’t felt this way since………well since the last time you dated him.

 

But why would he bother, after all these years? surely if he was interested in screwing someone over he would have met many prospects by now. And he apologized for everything and owned his shit………..he never did THAT before, and he is doing well financially, he even offered to help you so why would he bother if he wasn’t sincere?

Well, Odie; let me fill you in on what he has been doing the past 20 years.

He has gone through the women alright, he has ruined a few lives, maybe even had kids, he has had his business ventures and at times he did do well and some woman was always there to bail him out when things went south again and he bled her dry and still lost it all eventually. He is not a spring chicken any more, the women don’t fall at his feet like they used to and he really hates having to put on that nice act every time he has to hook new supply. It is so much easier if he can hook an old supply back in; he knows people tend to fall back into old patterns of behavior without even realizing it. He knows you needed validation and would soak it up like a sponge, he knew exactly what to say to get you to drop your guard and let him in. He is homeless again, maybe staying at a friend’s house so he can take you to his “new house”, he is driving a flashy car (the last woman’s car), or maybe he is still with the last woman and she has no idea he is out trolling for fresh supply.

Wait for it, it will come; the proposal, the “I have always loved you, I could never really commit to any other woman because my heart was always yours.” “Run away with me, we can have the love we should have had years ago, please give me another chance to show you how much I love you and treat you the way I should have years ago.” “I am a changed man, because of you; losing you showed me how rare true love is.”

Then, once you leave your marriage or sell your house and move in with him; it will come; he needs money, just a loan for a few months until this investment that is going to pay big bucks comes through. He will pay you back with interest, better than you are getting at the bank and it is for your future, your future as a couple.

Why would he come back and lead you on again? How could he do that to you again? Because he is a narcissist and anyone he ever dated is always on his “hit list”, any port in a storm, when he needs something he doesn’t care where it comes from as long as he gets what he wants and you were a pushover just like he thought you would be. If you had refused to talk to him he might have tried for a little while but he would have used someone else, he might have had to work a bit harder if it had to be a new woman but there’s a sucker born every minute don’t you know and if they are stupid enough to believe his lies it’s not his fault. Besides, it just proves once again he still has it.