Tag Archives: Narcissist Red Flags

The One Word Red Flag That You Are In Love With A Narcissist

POTENTIAL

adjective

  • possible, as opposed to actual:
    the potential uses of nuclear energy.
  • capable of being or becoming:
    a potential danger to safety.

noun

possibility; potentiality:
an investment that has little growth potential.
a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.

Potential

I think I probably thought it on the very first date and I know damn well I thought it many many times in the 10 years I was with James. “He has so much potential if only ………..” or if my ego  was speaking; “He has so much potential all he needs is a good woman (me) to encourage him, steer him on the right course, believe in him”.

Potential is fine when someone is 16, THEN they have potential, but when they are adults and still have nothing and it is always someone else’s fault; then it becomes P.O.T.E.N.T.I.A.L which spells L.O.S.E.R. with big red flags waving on either side.

lightbulb

One of the drawbacks of being a successful, independent woman is the fact that we don’t need a man to support us, we tend to think we can help a person out because we know we are capable. Our ego takes over and we think we are more capable than other people to overcome obstacles, recoup losses, and we want to help other people to be successful and reach their full potential. 

If you find yourself wanting to “help him be all that he can be” join a mentoring program at your local high school, but puleeze! do not base a relationship on a man’s potential.

Money isn’t everything, I know that, I have always been one of the least materialistic people I know. I never judged a guy by what kind of car he drove, his address, or what kind of job he had. I judged a man by if he was a hard worker, honest, did he treat me well, was he respectful, law abiding, well liked, intelligent, have a sense of humor and when I met James, he had all that plus good looks and he oozed charm and sex appeal. To top it all off…………. he “needed a good woman” and he thought I was perfect, I was everything he had never gotten from a woman.  I was nothing like all his exs, I was calm and rational, I made sense, I appreciated him, I believed in him like no other woman ever had.

It is hard to admit now because I know the truth and it gives your ego a real kick in the teeth when you discover that you are not all that and a bag of chips. It doesn’t matter how confident you were going in, how beautiful you were or that any man would have been thrilled to have a chance with you; you swallowed the poison, you believed him when he told you that you were the woman he had been waiting for his whole life, and he was lying.

If you really believed you weren’t an exceptional woman and worthy of his love and attention, it would be easier to accept he was lying, but you knew he was right. You are a wonderful homemaker, loving partner, independent yet nurturing, you are a desirable woman, you are kind, giving, loving and damned attractive and that is why you believed him.

When his true colors first start to show, you are afraid there is something wrong with him, he is stressed, sick, (in my case I thought James might have a brain tumor), it can’t be you because you haven’t done anything wrong. Then as time goes on you know that you can fix it, he has just misunderstood, you will explain it in a way he understands and things will go back to the way they were, because you are always capable of fixing anything. men have always thought you were great but HE loved you like no one ever had, even when you weren’t at your best.

Women these days are burdened with a lot of pressure from society, as much as “women’s lib” has benefitted women, I think it has been a curse in many ways. Whereas they used to be expected to maintain the home and have supper on the table when the man, the breadwinner; came home from work NOW she is expected to work full-time AND have dinner on the table when her “better half” walks through the door.  Is it any wonder she feels she is falling short somehow in the relationship?

Personally, I met James when I was in my 40’s, with several relationships under my belt, I was used to having to ask for what I wanted (no one is a mind reader) and being the one to organize the house and assign duties as far as maintaining the house. I was proud of my ability to discuss issues calmly and state my needs without blaming or pointing fingers. I went into the relationship with James eager to put all my “lessons learned” into practice and have a true partnership with the man I loved. I think many young women expect a man to “just know” what she wants and needs, 3 marriages had taught me to express my needs and relationships are built on compromise and open communication. I told James I felt it was unfair for the woman to continue to work after putting in an 8-9 hour day and that the duties in the home should be shared equally. He, of course agreed, he gave lip service without the actions to back it up but I ignored it for the most part because I didn’t want to give up my dream relationship. He might as well have been reading me a fairytale from a book about a princess who meets her prince charming. It’s a great story, but you know it isn’t true. Just like the narcissist is a great character but he isn’t real. It is easy to decipher fantasy from reality when you are reading a book, much harder when the person is in flesh and blood right in front of you.

I remember early in the relationship, long before infidelity or abuse became evident; going to James in tears and telling him that I just could not continue to do it all. I was commuting to work an hour each way, up at 5, on the road by 6, and not home until after 6 most nights because I would stop for groceries. I would walk through the door at 7-8 and start supper (after cleaning up the mess he had made in the kitchen while I was at work), I was exhausted. He got this empathetic look on his face, pulled me close said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are. Promise me you’ll never change.”

I didn’t change, I never pretended to be something I wasn’t, I did set boundaries, I did voice my unhappiness over things he did or didn’t do, and I always saw his potential.

He didn’t change either, just his story changed; he stopped reading me the fairytale but really, his actions never changed; he never had any intention of living up to his potential, he never has and he never will. His potential is what you see is what you get; like he said, he is successful now. (because he found a wealthy widow to feed off of) THAT is James’s potential.

potential

Interesting Facts About Psychopaths

I have had questions about the “WOS” that I have never been sure if they were traits that were common amongst narcissists/psychopaths or just unique to him so yesterday I went in search of answers, just out of curiosity. I am not going to quote a bunch of medical journals or thesis I read, I can get quite carried away on the net, you know how it goes, you click on a link and another and another and before you know it 5 hours have past and you have no idea how you got to where you got. (That was one of the excuses the “WOS” used to use for ending up falling asleep while looking at porn, he just clicked on a link and *BAM* there was porn on the screen!!)

Anyway, WOS had a very high tolerance for physical pain and an unhealthy lack of fear which makes for a dangerous combination and led him to have many “accidents”. According to him and his mother he was terribly accident prone as a young child and most of his life actually. As a wee toddler (now I am not sure it was the Grande Canyon but some huge canyon) they were at a national park with a cliff and he ran right up to the edge and looked over, teetering on the edge of the cliff. The parents didn’t want to scream and startle him and had to calmly coax him from the edge. He told me of the time he had matches in his pocket as a kid and fell, they lit on fire and he burned himself really badly and was afraid to tell. Another time he ripped his ass end some how and there was a parade happening in town and he was to ride on a piece of farm equipment in the parade so didn’t tell anyone he was injured. It was not until his dad saw the blood gushing that anyone knew.

As a teen he had car and motorcycle accidents, thank God he lived in Saskatchewan where the cops knew everyone and cut him some slack and where the land is so flat you can drive off the road and have a good chance of surviving. As an adult he was accident prone or so I thought, he was continually injuring himself, usually when he wanted to get out of something, like a job or trouble. If I was angry about something he would injure himself, what cold hearted woman is going to insist on discussed the personal ad when he is bleeding and needs stitches?

His unhealthy lack of fear showed in the chances he took speeding, even working on vehicles, and especially angering people and them coming after him. He had guys with guns, big Harley riding dudes who threatened to break his face because he had ripped someone off. When i first started dating him he called and told me he had been badly beaten, of course it was all a misunderstanding, he had done nothing to deserve it. I rushed down and took him to emergency. He had never had a woman do that for him. yeah ok.

But he never seemed to learn from it and would still rip people off but I think he didn’t hurt as badly as normal people so it didn’t impact him like it would a normal person. He told me more than once that he had never been afraid, he didn’t know what it felt like to be afraid. I found that strange.

He would cut himself and not even remember how he did it or know he had done it. One morning while his sister was living with us he had hit himself on the nose badly, it was swollen and had obviously bled and we both asked what he had done and he didn’t have a clue.

Apparently he had accidents in his semi where he was not supposed to walk again.

He used to say he got migraines and he seemed to be in pain, he also used to get a flu and be really sick with a raging fever etc and he said he had always been like that. Not get sick for a long time and then be delirious with fever but when I mentioned it to his mom she obviously didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. So I don’t know what I can believe and what was a lie. But I do know he totalled that pick up truck and put his head through the windshield and it sounds crazy that he would do that on purpose but it sure was convenient.

I think he probably was accident prone but from childhood he learned he could use it to his advantage.

Through studies they have determined that people who have had an injury to their frontal lobe of the brain have the same lack of fear and a very high pain tolerance exactly the same as psychopaths. This finding backs up Dr Hare’s research that showed psychopaths have deformed brains when they scanned normal brains and the brains of psychopaths.

I don’t recall WOS having a bad sense of smell but they say that is another trait of psychopaths and people with frontal lobe damage.

Another function of that part of the brain is their excitement level. They need a lot of stimulation and get bored on the job often (That is when James would end up stealing or something,) which would make sense and be why WOS never lasted more than a few months on most jobs.

It also explains why they are such good lovers (in the beginning) sex is one of the most stimulating things a person can do so it makes sense that they are insatiable sexually. I had never met a man who could have sex 4-5 times in a night. For the first 8 years of the relationship we had sex everyday 2-3 times a day. If he did come to bed he would wake me up in the night to have sex again. It explains the need for porn, why so many of them have addictions, and weird fetishes. The need for the excitement of affairs, leaving hints to their infidelity so you catch them, but of course they can’t ever be at fault and they want to be in control so not only are they getting the stimulation they crave they are getting the thrill of causing you pain.

That is why the physical abuse escalates he needs more and more in order to feel alive because he really is all most dead inside he is so lacking of normal feelings.

I just wanted to share that before I forgot. i am working on my funding package today so I have to get back to work on that.

Does any of this sound familiar to any of you?

 

Knowing When To Fold Them

There is an old Kenny Rogers song that goes something like this:

“You gotta know when to hold ’em
know when to fold them
know when to walk away
and know when to run
Don’t count your blessings
while you’re sittin’ at the table
there’ll be time enough for countin’
when the dealin’ done.”

My apologies if I didn’t get it exactly right; its been alot of years since I heard that song but it has been playing in my head lately.

Hal really pissed me off the other day and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I hate, I mean really hate, being dependent on anyone, so really did not want to accept more money from Jim to get home that night.

It burns my butt to not be totally self sufficient and I can hear JC’s voice ringing in my ears,”See?! I told you you couldn’t make it on your own, I told you someday you’d realize all I did for you”.
But he was wrong, I see all the things he did to me not what he did for me.

When Hal started accusing me of avoiding him, demanding to know how much I was getting for the truck, and talking over me when I was talking and then getting angry with me for not shutting up and saying I was talking over him. I found myself getting frustrated because he was twisting my words and refusing to understand what I was saying. Then it hit me; I don’t have to put up with this any more from anyone, ever again. I know what is fair, I know what is right, and I know when I am being played for a sucker.

I was frustrated, crying and angry but I took control of the situation.  I know he is bad mouthing me and you know what? I really don’t give a shit, I don’t have time for that kind of highschool bullshit. Yeah he’s got $350 of my hard earned money and I got the “shaft” (excuse the pun I couldn’t resist) Like I said to Hal that night, “If I wanted to get screwed over I would have called JC.  I don’t need to go looking for assholes. You knew the position I was in financially and you took advantage of it. I am done with you. You have nothing  to say that I want to hear and I have nothing I want to say to you.” Sure I sat in a parking lot in Langley crying my eyes out, sobbing to the dogs about how unfair life is and asking them ,”what do I do now?”

Then I saw the dumpster behind me and thought, “Nothing like digging in a dumpster to take a girl’s mind off her troubles.” I got a really nice vase, a tall one, you know they’re about 2 & 1/2 feet tall? the kind that sits on the floor with tall grasses in it. It has a $60 price tag on it and I can’t find a thing wrong with it. I also found the cutest Halloween decoration, a Styrofoam pumpkin head with a top hat that just needs a bit of glue, priced at $25. Three nice sweat shirts, 3 cardigans; a white one, blue one and a black one and they all fit me. A few blouses and a dress and jacket in an oriental design I haven’t tried on yet. I also got some really nice smelling vanilla hand soap in a pretty clear glass pump dispenser that I gave to my girl friend and she loves,  she also picked out a glass flower ornament that she liked.

When Jim called to say he was in Langley I was already asleep with my head on Laila, one good thing about really bad times; you know a night sleeping in the truck isn’t going to kill you. The worst thing that happens is you don’t have a toothbrush in the morning, your contacts are stuck to your eyes because you slept with them in and you kinda look like a raccoon because your mascara is smudged.

Sure I fell into a depression the next day and wasted most of the day feeling sorry for myself and when every one told me I should have called the cops and when the guy who wanted to buy it offered me $400 and said he had a tow truck waiting to pick it up I told everyone, “I can’t talk about it right now, I can’t make a decision right now, I will have to get back to you.” and I weighed my options.

I call the police;
I know Hal is an N and I know he’s probably already done damage control, I have a 50/50 chance the police will even listen to me, I have nothing in writing and neither does he so it will be a he said/she said scenario and the cops probably can’t do anything and will tell me to take him to small claims. It would prolong dealing with an asshole and I really don’t need that in my life.

As it is Hal has cost me $850 ($350 I paid him, $300 I lost in the sale of my truck, and at least $200 I would have made on the job in Port Moody I missed and someone else picked up) Plus I’ve wasted more hours on that man than can be calculated because he is always late and if I hadn’t bought the other truck I wouldn’t have been royally screwed because he took so long fixing my GMC and I wouldn’t have had any way to make money to pay him.  I shudder to think about it and it makes me really angry but do I want to waste any more time on the asshole? Do I want him in my life in any way? No!!

Some times doing nothing is really doing the best thing. I don’t want to feed Hal’s need for attention through conflict.

So if I am not calling the cops my other option is to find a driveshaft, buy it and install it myself but that means I have to sit on the phone trying to track one down. Not having phone reception where I live means I will be cutting into time I could be using to make money. I need to make money because I am dead in the water without it.

So like the song says, “I decided to fold and walk away.”
I called the buyer and told him I can’t accept $400 could he do $500? He said he’d ask his son; yes they would go $500. He got a tow truck to pick it up and take it to his place. I said I have to work to make enough money to buy fuel to get the registration to him and he said not a problem. I did a few pickups that I missed last week when my truck was down, now there was even more. So I had a good money making day and got $279 for 3 hours work.

I called Jim and said I’d have his $550 by the end of the day. He said not to leave myself short, he would be happy with $300. I said I wanted to at least pay the $400 he lent me to buy the 1974 Chev. I also owed my girlfriend $100 and wanted to pay her.

So yesterday I was able to buy a jug of oil for the truck, a new pair of work gloves, stock my cupboards with groceries and dog food, and even bought myself a pair of cowboy boots at Value Village for $20. ( For whatever reason wearing cowboy boots makes me feel more confident, when I was still with JC he told me that when I wore my cowboy boots I had an air of confidence about me, that can’t be a bad thing)

Now that I have walked away from the table what are my blessings?
1. I handled it, I didn’t let the bastard intimidate me, I didn’t feed his sick need for drama and attention and walked away with my head held high.
2. The guy who bought the truck got a good deal and I was out $350. Oh well, I really like the guy who bought the truck and guess what! he owns dump trucks and rebuilds antique cars; what does that means? he has scrap! and he is going to call me to come pick up within the next week.
3. I could have spent all day
looking for a driveshaft and then gotten frustrated trying to put it in and possibly had to deal with Hal again today and wasted another day I could have been working. Instead I made almost as much as I lost ($25 less) big deal and today it is all ancient history; I can close that page and move on. It was 10:30 by the time I got to Jim last night but I paid him for the truck and that felt wonderful!!!
I paid my girlfriend and by midnight I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a ice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating a turkey tv dinner.

With that out of the way I can focus on getting my butt out of this trailer and I have a few ideas about how to do it. I’m quite excited about one idea but will save that for another post.

Once I am out of here and have an internet connection I have a new career idea I am excited about and could put all my experiences over the past 12 years to good use. But that is a post of it’s own also.

So that’s all folks!
Like my blog says; Playing with the cards I’m dealt, the best I can. This time I decided to fold and walk away. Next time? who knows; I guess we’ll see what I get dealt in the next hand.

Hugs to you all.
off to work I go……hi ho hi ho.

(written Tuesday morning and posted on Wednesday)