Tag Archives: Narcissist Red Flags

The One Word Red Flag That You Are In Love With A Narcissist

POTENTIAL

adjective

  • possible, as opposed to actual:
    the potential uses of nuclear energy.
  • capable of being or becoming:
    a potential danger to safety.

noun

possibility; potentiality:
an investment that has little growth potential.
a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.

Potential

I think I probably thought it on the very first date and I know damn well I thought it many many times in the 10 years I was with James. “He has so much potential if only ………..” or if my ego  was speaking; “He has so much potential all he needs is a good woman (me) to encourage him, steer him on the right course, believe in him”.

Potential is fine when someone is 16, THEN they have potential, but when they are adults and still have nothing and it is always someone else’s fault; then it becomes P.O.T.E.N.T.I.A.L which spells L.O.S.E.R. with big red flags waving on either side.

lightbulb

One of the drawbacks of being a successful, independent woman is the fact that we don’t need a man to support us, we tend to think we can help a person out because we know we are capable. Our ego takes over and we think we are more capable than other people to overcome obstacles, recoup losses, and we want to help other people to be successful and reach their full potential. 

If you find yourself wanting to “help him be all that he can be” join a mentoring program at your local high school, but puleeze! do not base a relationship on a man’s potential.

Money isn’t everything, I know that, I have always been one of the least materialistic people I know. I never judged a guy by what kind of car he drove, his address, or what kind of job he had. I judged a man by if he was a hard worker, honest, did he treat me well, was he respectful, law abiding, well liked, intelligent, have a sense of humor and when I met James, he had all that plus good looks and he oozed charm and sex appeal. To top it all off…………. he “needed a good woman” and he thought I was perfect, I was everything he had never gotten from a woman.  I was nothing like all his exs, I was calm and rational, I made sense, I appreciated him, I believed in him like no other woman ever had.

It is hard to admit now because I know the truth and it gives your ego a real kick in the teeth when you discover that you are not all that and a bag of chips. It doesn’t matter how confident you were going in, how beautiful you were or that any man would have been thrilled to have a chance with you; you swallowed the poison, you believed him when he told you that you were the woman he had been waiting for his whole life, and he was lying.

If you really believed you weren’t an exceptional woman and worthy of his love and attention, it would be easier to accept he was lying, but you knew he was right. You are a wonderful homemaker, loving partner, independent yet nurturing, you are a desirable woman, you are kind, giving, loving and damned attractive and that is why you believed him.

When his true colors first start to show, you are afraid there is something wrong with him, he is stressed, sick, (in my case I thought James might have a brain tumor), it can’t be you because you haven’t done anything wrong. Then as time goes on you know that you can fix it, he has just misunderstood, you will explain it in a way he understands and things will go back to the way they were, because you are always capable of fixing anything. men have always thought you were great but HE loved you like no one ever had, even when you weren’t at your best.

Women these days are burdened with a lot of pressure from society, as much as “women’s lib” has benefitted women, I think it has been a curse in many ways. Whereas they used to be expected to maintain the home and have supper on the table when the man, the breadwinner; came home from work NOW she is expected to work full-time AND have dinner on the table when her “better half” walks through the door.  Is it any wonder she feels she is falling short somehow in the relationship?

Personally, I met James when I was in my 40’s, with several relationships under my belt, I was used to having to ask for what I wanted (no one is a mind reader) and being the one to organize the house and assign duties as far as maintaining the house. I was proud of my ability to discuss issues calmly and state my needs without blaming or pointing fingers. I went into the relationship with James eager to put all my “lessons learned” into practice and have a true partnership with the man I loved. I think many young women expect a man to “just know” what she wants and needs, 3 marriages had taught me to express my needs and relationships are built on compromise and open communication. I told James I felt it was unfair for the woman to continue to work after putting in an 8-9 hour day and that the duties in the home should be shared equally. He, of course agreed, he gave lip service without the actions to back it up but I ignored it for the most part because I didn’t want to give up my dream relationship. He might as well have been reading me a fairytale from a book about a princess who meets her prince charming. It’s a great story, but you know it isn’t true. Just like the narcissist is a great character but he isn’t real. It is easy to decipher fantasy from reality when you are reading a book, much harder when the person is in flesh and blood right in front of you.

I remember early in the relationship, long before infidelity or abuse became evident; going to James in tears and telling him that I just could not continue to do it all. I was commuting to work an hour each way, up at 5, on the road by 6, and not home until after 6 most nights because I would stop for groceries. I would walk through the door at 7-8 and start supper (after cleaning up the mess he had made in the kitchen while I was at work), I was exhausted. He got this empathetic look on his face, pulled me close said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are. Promise me you’ll never change.”

I didn’t change, I never pretended to be something I wasn’t, I did set boundaries, I did voice my unhappiness over things he did or didn’t do, and I always saw his potential.

He didn’t change either, just his story changed; he stopped reading me the fairytale but really, his actions never changed; he never had any intention of living up to his potential, he never has and he never will. His potential is what you see is what you get; like he said, he is successful now. (because he found a wealthy widow to feed off of) THAT is James’s potential.

potential

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Interesting Facts About Psychopaths

I have had questions about the “WOS” that I have never been sure if they were traits that were common amongst narcissists/psychopaths or just unique to him so yesterday I went in search of answers, just out of curiosity. I am not going to quote a bunch of medical journals or thesis I read, I can get quite carried away on the net, you know how it goes, you click on a link and another and another and before you know it 5 hours have past and you have no idea how you got to where you got. (That was one of the excuses the “WOS” used to use for ending up falling asleep while looking at porn, he just clicked on a link and *BAM* there was porn on the screen!!)

Anyway, WOS had a very high tolerance for physical pain and an unhealthy lack of fear which makes for a dangerous combination and led him to have many “accidents”. According to him and his mother he was terribly accident prone as a young child and most of his life actually. As a wee toddler (now I am not sure it was the Grande Canyon but some huge canyon) they were at a national park with a cliff and he ran right up to the edge and looked over, teetering on the edge of the cliff. The parents didn’t want to scream and startle him and had to calmly coax him from the edge. He told me of the time he had matches in his pocket as a kid and fell, they lit on fire and he burned himself really badly and was afraid to tell. Another time he ripped his ass end some how and there was a parade happening in town and he was to ride on a piece of farm equipment in the parade so didn’t tell anyone he was injured. It was not until his dad saw the blood gushing that anyone knew.

As a teen he had car and motorcycle accidents, thank God he lived in Saskatchewan where the cops knew everyone and cut him some slack and where the land is so flat you can drive off the road and have a good chance of surviving. As an adult he was accident prone or so I thought, he was continually injuring himself, usually when he wanted to get out of something, like a job or trouble. If I was angry about something he would injure himself, what cold hearted woman is going to insist on discussed the personal ad when he is bleeding and needs stitches?

His unhealthy lack of fear showed in the chances he took speeding, even working on vehicles, and especially angering people and them coming after him. He had guys with guns, big Harley riding dudes who threatened to break his face because he had ripped someone off. When i first started dating him he called and told me he had been badly beaten, of course it was all a misunderstanding, he had done nothing to deserve it. I rushed down and took him to emergency. He had never had a woman do that for him. yeah ok.

But he never seemed to learn from it and would still rip people off but I think he didn’t hurt as badly as normal people so it didn’t impact him like it would a normal person. He told me more than once that he had never been afraid, he didn’t know what it felt like to be afraid. I found that strange.

He would cut himself and not even remember how he did it or know he had done it. One morning while his sister was living with us he had hit himself on the nose badly, it was swollen and had obviously bled and we both asked what he had done and he didn’t have a clue.

Apparently he had accidents in his semi where he was not supposed to walk again.

He used to say he got migraines and he seemed to be in pain, he also used to get a flu and be really sick with a raging fever etc and he said he had always been like that. Not get sick for a long time and then be delirious with fever but when I mentioned it to his mom she obviously didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. So I don’t know what I can believe and what was a lie. But I do know he totalled that pick up truck and put his head through the windshield and it sounds crazy that he would do that on purpose but it sure was convenient.

I think he probably was accident prone but from childhood he learned he could use it to his advantage.

Through studies they have determined that people who have had an injury to their frontal lobe of the brain have the same lack of fear and a very high pain tolerance exactly the same as psychopaths. This finding backs up Dr Hare’s research that showed psychopaths have deformed brains when they scanned normal brains and the brains of psychopaths.

I don’t recall WOS having a bad sense of smell but they say that is another trait of psychopaths and people with frontal lobe damage.

Another function of that part of the brain is their excitement level. They need a lot of stimulation and get bored on the job often (That is when James would end up stealing or something,) which would make sense and be why WOS never lasted more than a few months on most jobs.

It also explains why they are such good lovers (in the beginning) sex is one of the most stimulating things a person can do so it makes sense that they are insatiable sexually. I had never met a man who could have sex 4-5 times in a night. For the first 8 years of the relationship we had sex everyday 2-3 times a day. If he did come to bed he would wake me up in the night to have sex again. It explains the need for porn, why so many of them have addictions, and weird fetishes. The need for the excitement of affairs, leaving hints to their infidelity so you catch them, but of course they can’t ever be at fault and they want to be in control so not only are they getting the stimulation they crave they are getting the thrill of causing you pain.

That is why the physical abuse escalates he needs more and more in order to feel alive because he really is all most dead inside he is so lacking of normal feelings.

I just wanted to share that before I forgot. i am working on my funding package today so I have to get back to work on that.

Does any of this sound familiar to any of you?

 

Knowing When To Fold Them

There is an old Kenny Rogers song that goes something like this:

“You gotta know when to hold ’em
know when to fold them
know when to walk away
and know when to run
Don’t count your blessings
while you’re sittin’ at the table
there’ll be time enough for countin’
when the dealin’ done.”

My apologies if I didn’t get it exactly right; its been alot of years since I heard that song but it has been playing in my head lately.

Hal really pissed me off the other day and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I hate, I mean really hate, being dependent on anyone, so really did not want to accept more money from Jim to get home that night.

It burns my butt to not be totally self sufficient and I can hear JC’s voice ringing in my ears,”See?! I told you you couldn’t make it on your own, I told you someday you’d realize all I did for you”.
But he was wrong, I see all the things he did to me not what he did for me.

When Hal started accusing me of avoiding him, demanding to know how much I was getting for the truck, and talking over me when I was talking and then getting angry with me for not shutting up and saying I was talking over him. I found myself getting frustrated because he was twisting my words and refusing to understand what I was saying. Then it hit me; I don’t have to put up with this any more from anyone, ever again. I know what is fair, I know what is right, and I know when I am being played for a sucker.

I was frustrated, crying and angry but I took control of the situation.  I know he is bad mouthing me and you know what? I really don’t give a shit, I don’t have time for that kind of highschool bullshit. Yeah he’s got $350 of my hard earned money and I got the “shaft” (excuse the pun I couldn’t resist) Like I said to Hal that night, “If I wanted to get screwed over I would have called JC.  I don’t need to go looking for assholes. You knew the position I was in financially and you took advantage of it. I am done with you. You have nothing  to say that I want to hear and I have nothing I want to say to you.” Sure I sat in a parking lot in Langley crying my eyes out, sobbing to the dogs about how unfair life is and asking them ,”what do I do now?”

Then I saw the dumpster behind me and thought, “Nothing like digging in a dumpster to take a girl’s mind off her troubles.” I got a really nice vase, a tall one, you know they’re about 2 & 1/2 feet tall? the kind that sits on the floor with tall grasses in it. It has a $60 price tag on it and I can’t find a thing wrong with it. I also found the cutest Halloween decoration, a Styrofoam pumpkin head with a top hat that just needs a bit of glue, priced at $25. Three nice sweat shirts, 3 cardigans; a white one, blue one and a black one and they all fit me. A few blouses and a dress and jacket in an oriental design I haven’t tried on yet. I also got some really nice smelling vanilla hand soap in a pretty clear glass pump dispenser that I gave to my girl friend and she loves,  she also picked out a glass flower ornament that she liked.

When Jim called to say he was in Langley I was already asleep with my head on Laila, one good thing about really bad times; you know a night sleeping in the truck isn’t going to kill you. The worst thing that happens is you don’t have a toothbrush in the morning, your contacts are stuck to your eyes because you slept with them in and you kinda look like a raccoon because your mascara is smudged.

Sure I fell into a depression the next day and wasted most of the day feeling sorry for myself and when every one told me I should have called the cops and when the guy who wanted to buy it offered me $400 and said he had a tow truck waiting to pick it up I told everyone, “I can’t talk about it right now, I can’t make a decision right now, I will have to get back to you.” and I weighed my options.

I call the police;
I know Hal is an N and I know he’s probably already done damage control, I have a 50/50 chance the police will even listen to me, I have nothing in writing and neither does he so it will be a he said/she said scenario and the cops probably can’t do anything and will tell me to take him to small claims. It would prolong dealing with an asshole and I really don’t need that in my life.

As it is Hal has cost me $850 ($350 I paid him, $300 I lost in the sale of my truck, and at least $200 I would have made on the job in Port Moody I missed and someone else picked up) Plus I’ve wasted more hours on that man than can be calculated because he is always late and if I hadn’t bought the other truck I wouldn’t have been royally screwed because he took so long fixing my GMC and I wouldn’t have had any way to make money to pay him.  I shudder to think about it and it makes me really angry but do I want to waste any more time on the asshole? Do I want him in my life in any way? No!!

Some times doing nothing is really doing the best thing. I don’t want to feed Hal’s need for attention through conflict.

So if I am not calling the cops my other option is to find a driveshaft, buy it and install it myself but that means I have to sit on the phone trying to track one down. Not having phone reception where I live means I will be cutting into time I could be using to make money. I need to make money because I am dead in the water without it.

So like the song says, “I decided to fold and walk away.”
I called the buyer and told him I can’t accept $400 could he do $500? He said he’d ask his son; yes they would go $500. He got a tow truck to pick it up and take it to his place. I said I have to work to make enough money to buy fuel to get the registration to him and he said not a problem. I did a few pickups that I missed last week when my truck was down, now there was even more. So I had a good money making day and got $279 for 3 hours work.

I called Jim and said I’d have his $550 by the end of the day. He said not to leave myself short, he would be happy with $300. I said I wanted to at least pay the $400 he lent me to buy the 1974 Chev. I also owed my girlfriend $100 and wanted to pay her.

So yesterday I was able to buy a jug of oil for the truck, a new pair of work gloves, stock my cupboards with groceries and dog food, and even bought myself a pair of cowboy boots at Value Village for $20. ( For whatever reason wearing cowboy boots makes me feel more confident, when I was still with JC he told me that when I wore my cowboy boots I had an air of confidence about me, that can’t be a bad thing)

Now that I have walked away from the table what are my blessings?
1. I handled it, I didn’t let the bastard intimidate me, I didn’t feed his sick need for drama and attention and walked away with my head held high.
2. The guy who bought the truck got a good deal and I was out $350. Oh well, I really like the guy who bought the truck and guess what! he owns dump trucks and rebuilds antique cars; what does that means? he has scrap! and he is going to call me to come pick up within the next week.
3. I could have spent all day
looking for a driveshaft and then gotten frustrated trying to put it in and possibly had to deal with Hal again today and wasted another day I could have been working. Instead I made almost as much as I lost ($25 less) big deal and today it is all ancient history; I can close that page and move on. It was 10:30 by the time I got to Jim last night but I paid him for the truck and that felt wonderful!!!
I paid my girlfriend and by midnight I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a ice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating a turkey tv dinner.

With that out of the way I can focus on getting my butt out of this trailer and I have a few ideas about how to do it. I’m quite excited about one idea but will save that for another post.

Once I am out of here and have an internet connection I have a new career idea I am excited about and could put all my experiences over the past 12 years to good use. But that is a post of it’s own also.

So that’s all folks!
Like my blog says; Playing with the cards I’m dealt, the best I can. This time I decided to fold and walk away. Next time? who knows; I guess we’ll see what I get dealt in the next hand.

Hugs to you all.
off to work I go……hi ho hi ho.

(written Tuesday morning and posted on Wednesday)

Ambushed

I was in a very tiny old trailer, it had one bedroom with a double bed and very small open living area, but it had a large covered concrete patio. The patio was closed in with lattice work with a screen door entering it. I had strung white lights through the lattice and they provided a warm glow. My son slept on the couch so with JC there it was crowded. After a week I asked when he was getting out and he said he wasn’t ready. I told him this is what he had wanted and now he had to live with his decision, it wasn’t fair to me or Kris for him to stay.

He was pissing off the neighbours by working on his truck in the middle of the roadway. The landlord was getting complaints and I had told him my son was moving in but not JC. Still JC did not leave, I called the police and asked to have him removed and they said I would have to evict him.
*I forgot to mention that before JC moved out of the house I went over to borrow the truck, my son was there working on a car he had bought off JC (actually my mom bought it). JC wouldn’t let me use the truck but I went to take it anyway and JC ran out of the house and threw me out of the truck. My son stepped in and said,” If you ever hit my mom you’ll have to deal with me”. JC said, “I’ve already hit your mom and I’ll hit you too punk”
Kris ran off to get a baseball bat. He came to his senses dropped the bat and came home. Anyway even after that my son wanted to save JC’s stuff and welcomed him to stay for a few days but this was going too far.
Everyday I asked JC to please move out. He wasn’t happy to be there, he was miserable, sullen and distant. So leave!!
I put all his stuff out on the patio. I was very careful to not damage anything and even took my photos out of a rubbermaid container and put them in a card board box so his photos wouldn’t get wrecked. When I got home there was some kind of liquid spilt on the patio with a pool of it by the storage room door. My girlfriend lived nextdoor and when she saw I was home she walked over with her dog, I saw her dog licking the liquid and then she left. A little while later her dog was convulcing. She took her dog to the vet and I deciding to check out the source of the liquid. I opened the shed door and there was an empty antifreeze jug on the floor and all my photos were sopping wet. I was heartbroken, JC said it had been an accident.

I had designed and had made a ring for my son for his 16th birthday using old jewelry I had. It was very cool, the gold was formed into his initials, KO. I had a small diamond set in for my birthday and his birthstone was sapphire. I also had a dinner ring made for myself with the 2 stones set in. Both rings disappeared. We never found them by I have my suspicions as to where they went. (interestingly years later when JC got engaged to the young girl in Africa their rings were designed very much the same)

I started to feel very uneasy with JC around, one minute he would be friendly to Kris and I and then later act like he couldn’t stand us. He bought contact lens but made a big deal about the fact that he couldn’t put them in by himself. I never saw him wear them. One day he had gone out and I noticed his glasses on the fridge. I thought, “omg JC forgot his glasses, he’s blind without them, how could he see to drive?”

Then I noticed it was just glass in the frames. I thought it was strange but put them back on the fridge and forgot about them.

I kept putting JC’s things back out on the patio whenever he brought stuff in yet he did not leave.

He worked for two weeks putting lights on his truck. He mounted 3 high powered fog lights in his front bumper and really bright hallogen bulbs in his headlights. Then he mounted a directional search light to the roof of his truck on the drivers side. He installed two directional work lights to the head ache rack on the back of his truck.

I was walking up to the trailer one evening and could hear cupboards slamming. Ignoring my gut I went in. JC had been going through all my cupboards and pulled out my receipts, journal, all my info on domestic violence, my calendar with dates marked when he had been violent, letters he had written me and he was furious. He started in on me immediately with his right or wrong, yes or no crap and I said I was not going to discuss anything with him.  He just kept badgering me so I went to leave but he blocked my way, my purse was on the kitchen table but I couldn’t get to it. He was pushing me around so I tried to go in the bathroom to get away from him but he pushed the door open before I could lock it. I managed to squeeze past him, giving him a push as I did and ran!!! As I passed the kitchen table I grabbed my purse and didn’t look back until I was in my car with the doors locked. He was standing at the screen door staring at me as I pulled away and headed into town. My phone started ringing immediately, it was JC telling me to come back, I refused and hung up. He kept calling and finally I weakened and picked it up.
Me – yes
JC – Baby, I love you
Me – I love you too, but you scared me.
JC – baby, I would never hurt you I just wanted you to admit some things, for the first time I felt we were getting some where. We can work it out baby. Come home please.
Me – I just need some time ok? I’ll come back in a while I just need time to think ok?
JC – OK Baby, I really do love you.
Me crying – I love you too, I’m just tired of the fighting.
JC – oh baby, I hate it when you cry, just come home please. We don’t have to talk, but you’re too upset to be driving around. Where are you, I’ll come get you?
Me – No, I’m ok. Honest, I’ll come home in a bit.
JC – Ok. Babe?
Me – yes
JC – I love you more than ever.
Me – I love you too JC.

I pulled over to the side of the road to take a deep breath and get my wits about me and realized how much I was shaking.

Right about then Kris walked past with a couple of friends pushing his bike. When he saw me of course he was immediately concerned. I told him JC and I had a fight, so I left but we had talked on the phone and he was calmed down I just didn’t feel like going back yet.

Kris put his bike in the trunk and we decided to visit friends who lived near by. JC called again and I told him where I was and to please stop calling and give me some time to think. I refused to answer my phone after that and my friends poured me a glass of wine and we talked. Kris sat with us a while and then went outside with friends. I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing. At one point he asked to borrow my cell phone because his was dead and I let him use it.

Before I knew it it was 3 am and I was exhausted. JC called again and I asked him to please just go somewhere for the night and we could talk in the morning but I was just too tired to face him tonight. He agreed to leave me alone. I told Kris he could come with me as long as he promised to not go on and on about JC, I just wanted to sleep. I knew he would worry if he didn’t come so I let him drive me home. I called JC to say I was on my way home and Kris was with me. He said to give him 5 more minutes. I said ok and then my phone died.
JC tried to call again but my phone didn’t have enough charge left and dropped the call.
We got home 10 minutes later and JC’S truck was parked across the front of the trailer with all his spot lights blazing, so we parked across the street.

Something was not right about the whole scene. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but my gut was telling me to not stay. I was so tired, all I wanted was my bed.

Kris got his bike out of the trunk and I said, “Now don’t go looking for a fight, we’ll just walk right past him, into the trailer and lock the door.

JC’s spot lights were blinding, it was hard to even see the ground. We had to squeeze between the deck of the truck and the lattice work to get in the door and once we were inside it was pitch black. It took a minute for my eyes to adjusted before I could even see the door of the trailer. I heard Kris say, “I thought I told you to get out”.
I turned and all I got out was, “Kris”
JC was on Kris and Kris was saying, “I don’t want to fight JC, just leave.”
I tried to get between them but JC threw me out of the way, and threw Kris on to the patio table that collapsed under their weight. I was trying to dial 911 but couldn’t I was shaking so badly, so I screamed for help. I tried to pull JC off Kris and when that didn’t work I climbed on his back and started bashing him in the head with my phone.  I saw a chain wrapped around JC’s fist and tried to hold back his arm. I kept screaming for help, time seemed to be standing still; why wasn’t anyone coming?!!!
Then somewhere in the darkness I heard, “Do you want us to call the police?”
Omg, finally!!
Me – JC stop, its over, people are here.
He looked at me almost like he didn’t recognize me.

The Attraction Grows

He laughed again and said,”So I gather it didn’t go well?”

Me: “He was a pompous ass lawyer”

He had a really good laugh at that and then said he was sorry it didn’t turn out.

Me: “Oh well, I didn’t have any expectations that he was going to be the love of my life or anything. I hope it wasn’t too late for me to call.”

He assured me it wasn’t too late, he’d just been playing guitar. He said he had just bought a headset so he could play his electric guitar and not bother the neighbors. (how considerate of him)

We started asking questions and share information about ourselves.

That is when I discovered he was recovering from a bad motorcycle accident, he told me he felt really blessed because he had been told he would never walk again and he was walking just fine. He also told me the insurance company was paying for him to re-educate because he probably couldn’t go back to his any of his old professions which were long haul trucking, mechanic, and welder. He was born in Saskatchewan and had just found his birth mother and moved to BC to get to know his birth family, a full blood sister and 2 half siblings.

Of course that really perked my interest and I wanted to know more, how they found each other, what the meeting was like, etc.

He mentioned he was buying a house in Sechelt and renting an apartment in Ladner.

I said I loved the ocean and he said he was looking at the ocean as we spoke.

He had never been married but had been in a long term common law relationship of 12 years.

He told me that he was really glad I had called and I said I was too. I told him I never call men but my son had said to “just call”. He said that he had never done anything like that before either, give a woman his number; but he had felt a connection as soon as we saw each other then I would almost hugged him. He said that if I had hugged him it would have seemed perfectly natural. He was impressed I took the time to explain what was going on and he said he just had to take a chance but he didn’t really think I would call.

It was almost midnight when I said I had to go and he asked if
we could meet for drinks the next night and I said I thought he was too young for me. He said age didn’t bother him and asked how old I thought he was. I guessed early 30’s and he said he had just turned 36. He said he’d dated older women before, in fact the long term relationship was with a woman almost twice his age. I told him I was 42 and he kinda laughed and said that isn’t an age difference.
I was smitten, I had felt so comfortable with him, the conversation had flowed and he obviously thought I was ok too. We had laughed alot, he had a good sense of humour and enjoyed my wit, we had “clicked”.

The next day he called and apologized because he had to cancel drinks but asked if we could do it Friday instead. He explained he was waiting for money and had bought a new car and needed to do the paperwork etc. I understood and thanked him for calling. He seemed relieved that I understood and even said that it was really cool of me to not be upset. I thought it would be pretty silly to get upset, what could the guy do, its not like he stood me up and he had called.

On Friday he called during the day to arrange a place and time. He was right on time, driving a BMW and looking fine. I was nervous at first but he was so easy to talk to that once again the conversation flowed.

He’d said that he had to make it an early night because he had work the next day; (he was still working 1 day a week welding to suppliment ment his income while he was in school.)

We were leaving and to my surprise he asked if I wanted to go to a quieter place for another drink. I asked about work the next day and he said he didn’t want the night to end yet. As we were leaving and about to cross the street he grabbed my hand and I felt shock waves, he had strong hands. I was very attracted to him.

When we said goodbye I leaned in and gave him a kiss on the neck and said I had a really nice time, as I pulled away our lips met and we had a very nice long lingering kiss that left us both a little breathless.

We had made plans to meet the next day, Saturday because I was going to help him pick up his other car. (when he bought his BMW he had left his other car behind). Saturday he called exactly when he said he would and we arranged a place to meet. He called just as I got there and said he’d just a few minutes.  When he got there he got out of his car to open my door and I am sure my jaw hit the ground. He was wearing faded tight blue jeans with a rip in the knee, old sneakers, and a black leather jacket undone to reveal his bare chest; and what a chest it was, he had a six pack and just enough chest hair to make me want to smell his chest right then and there. I thought to myself,”He knows exactly what he is doing and I know what he is doing and its working. God I want this man, even if just for a night”.

He must have noticed me oggling his chest (or maybe it was the drool at the corner of my mouth) because he said, “Oh …..my shirt was dirty so I took it off.”

I don’t recall if I said anything, like a lobotomy patient I stood there, drooling, staring at his chest, my mind raced as I struggling to maintain my composure and respectability. I know I was blushing,

I think I smiled and nodded.

Then he turned to get something out of the truck and I glimpsed his bare ass through a rip in his jeans. He had his back to me, thank God!! because I think my knees went weak and my eyes rolled back in my head. I knew I was done for.

We moved his car to a friends, he went to the liquor store and bought some coolers and we sat and talked while we had a drink. He didn’t have long because he was going to Sechelt like he did every weekend. When we were saying goodbye he kissed me and we ended up necking in a busy parking lot for probably 1/2 an hour at least. God he was a good kisser. He handed me another number, he said it was the land line, his cell phone didn’t always work when he was in Sechelt and to call him on Sunday. As I got out of his car he grabbed my hand and stopped me, looked me right in the eyes and said he’d really like to cook me dinner Monday night. I said that would be nice. As I closed the car door he said, “See you Monday, Babe.” part of me recoiled at being called babe so soon but another part of me got butterflies.

Monday came and he called me at work with a joke and to make sure we were still on for dinner. He met me a few miles from his place so I could follow him and not get lost. I thought that was sweet.

I was a little surprised when I walked into his apartment and there was no furniture. There was an aquarium and a wooden rocking chair, a blow up double air bed on the floor in the bedroom and his guitars, that was it. He apologized for not having furniture and said everything was in Sechelt. He had only rented the apartment for while he was in school and didn’t see any point in moving all his furniture for a few months. It made sense to me and the place was clean.

He immediately started kissing me when we walked through the door and packed me into the bedroom. I wasn’t too impressed and told him a glass of wine would  be nice  before he attacks me.

I didn’t get to finish my wine before he was all over me again, it didn’t take much to convince me. The sex was ok but sex the first time with someone is never as good as once you get to know them so I don’t ever have high expectations the first  time. We went for a great dinner and made love 3 or more times that night.

After that we saw each other every weekend and as many week nights as I would allow. We lived an hour and a half apart and I worked an hour and 15 minutes away plus my son was still living at home. But he would call and usually I would go to his place 3-4 nights a week.

Lively conversation, laughter, and tenderness filled our times together. When we weren’t together I trusted him explicitly.

My Week cont:

My week continued:

So we tow my truck to Mary’s, tow charge was $100 and I had $140 so I still had $40 left for fuel. Mary is a friend of Hal’s, I’m not really sure what the connection is, she rides with him everyday but Hal is married. Mary has osteoporosis and is waiting for hip surgery on both hips and walks very gingerly with a cane. We parked the truck in Mary’s driveway and Hal’s son was supposed to fix it the next day, I live so far away and Hal has a dozen or so vehicles so he lent me one to go home in, a van. I went to pick up my dogs from Hal’s house, a very nice place in a good neighborhood (some people do ok hauling scrap). So far so good, Kato was so happy to see me he could barely walk his tail was wagging so furiously. I guess they didn’t listen to me when I said to keep the dogs away from other dogs and introduced their pitbull to my dogs. Laila attacked her right away; Kato laid in the corner and didn’t move. Laila took over the house and Kato laid in the corner, Laila went around the house and collected all the toys, Kato laid in the corner, Laila pigged out on doggie treats, Kato laid in the corner, Laila went around making friends with all the people, Kato laid in the corner.

When I pulled up he was outside for a pee and I called his name, he didn’t recognize the van of course and didn’t know where my voice came from but he ran in the direction of my voice. I didn’t even park the van properly but left it ½ way out in the road (so like me) and knelt down. He was so excited he kept shaking his head (a nervous thing he does) and practically climbed on top of me. I hadn’t thought of it but I guess he would have been wondering what happened. One minute we are walking down the road and the next he is put into a van and they drive away leaving me behind, he didn’t know if he would ever see me again; poor little guy. Laila didn’t give a shit she was busy making herself the head of the household! haha

I loaded them in the van (it’s a cargo van, with two bucket seats) and the jockeying for position on the seat started and hasn’t stopped since. I stopped at a friends on the way home and he is interested in buying the van if the price is right so that’s a good thing cause he really needed a van (this is the guy that does all the flea markets and works at the auction house) I planned on going back the next day and taking my gardening tools because Mary’s yard is in desperate need of some TLC, and she’s afraid the city is going to come down on her again about her grass being too high but she certainly isn’t capable of doing it. I figured it was the least I could do seeing as my truck was parked in her driveway and thought maybe that was why I broke down; Mary needed help and I could provide it.

I got down there on Saturday and nothing has been done to my truck, Hal nor Mary are around so I started on the lawn while I waited. Finally Hal showed up, he is not the fastest person I know and does a lot of talking so I know why he is always late and I didn’t want to bitch, after all he is doing me a favor but I really wanted to get going because I planned on trying to sell some stuff at the flea market on Sunday in hopes of making enough money to fix the truck. I finally got out of there and Hal lends me $50 for fuel. I was still thankful, I had food at home, I had smokes, I even had one Mikes Hard Lemonade left. I also hoped to do some bucking of wood for Jim and make $30 or so but he hadn’t been up working that day. Oh well that gave me more time to get ready for the flea market. It was a lot more work than I imagined getting stuff ready seeing as I don’t have running water to clean things.

Sunday I got away late and the flea market was a bust, went to two and no one around but I met some nice people. I had a price of $20 on a wood chair and a nice fellow told me it was a $300 chair and I was asking way too little for it. Nice guy. I’m thankful! I went home is a good mood, thankful for the $50 so I could put more fuel in and buy a few groceries.

Monday I went down to get my truck and did a lot of work on Mary’s yard, she is thrilled and I am thankful I could do it. I wait around for Hal until almost dark; when he arrives he tells me he didn’t get a chance to do anything on it, for sure tomorrow. I got home at 12:30 am and was beat, almost fell asleep driving.

Mary’s window in the basement on the front of the house is broken (Hal broke it in November and it’s still not fixed). She lives in a bad neighborhood and had prowlers last night and didn’t sleep all night so I went to habitat for humanity on Tuesday and looked for a window the right size. They didn’t have one but I bought security bars instead, Habitat gave me a good deal on them and I picked up their scrap. I had put a tarp down in the back of the van and done a few pickups because I was so broke by now. I took a small load in and then went to Mary’s, once again Hal wasn’t there and nothing had been done on my truck. I continued doing Mary’s yard and it was looking so much better. Her and Hal showed up just as it was getting dark. Mary has a fenced yard so I was able to let the dogs loose in the yard and they loved it!! they played and played and I was thankful for the opportunity and I enjoyed making her yard look better. Still thankful. Didn’t get home until 1 am.

On Wednesday I am dead tired and my hands are numb, I over did it doing Mary’s yard and my neck was out and pinching a nerve that makes my hands go numb, when this happens I have to be really careful or I will be crippled up for months so I took it easy. BD called and had a huge load they needed gone by the end of the day Thursday, it was probably 3 loads in my truck I told Hal I had to have my truck by that night. I got down to Mary’s and worked some more on her gardens, her and Hal were late again, they had stopped to buy flowers and eat dinner so of course my truck didn’t get done. He offered to haul the load for me and pay me 1/3 of what the take was. Now I do BD’s yard work all year to get their scrap and they have one big load a year and I need my money to pay Hal for the repairs and I need to buy another engine too, so I said no I would figure something out. Plus if he is hauling my scrap he isn’t fixing my truck so I lose all the way around. He got an attitude with me and I ended up having to defend and explain myself which I hate. I don’t have to explain myself to him, if I choose to not get him to haul my scrap it is my choice and I shouldn’t have to defend that decision. I had wanted to shop around for a drive shaft and he got angry and said he had one, I took him at his word and now it turns out he didn’t have one and he fabricated one. It is a 1991 GMC there are thousands of old GMC’s around and I am sure there is a drive shaft at an auto wreckers I could have picked up for a couple hundred but to fabricate one is going to be expensive. Plus I have been told by everyone who I tell that it has to be balanced and if it isn’t it is going to vibrate.

I ended up leaving Mary’s in tears because Hal is pressuring me to do things his way and I’m not going for it; he also wants me to move into his 5th wheel that he has parked in Mary’s driveway. Mary is concerned because of the neighbors and she doesn’t want the city coming down on her. Hal wants me to pay $200 to him for the trailer and $200 to Mary and the trailer needs to be cleaned (he got it for free because the old guy died and the family just wanted to trailer gone). Sure it wouldn’t be so far out but any money I save on fuel I would be spending on rent and I don’t want to live in a 5th wheeler, I want a home. At least where I am I have a little bit of an outside area to sit, park my truck etc, there I would be confined to the trailer. I told him thanks but no thanks I have an apartment full of furniture I want to use, he said “Put it in storage.” I told him it is in storage because I want to use it, I don’t want to live in a 5th wheel forever.” And I am thinking, why am I explaining myself to this asshole?

I tried to explain to him that I have been behind the 8-ball ever since I left JC, paid back almost $10,000 last year and every hundred dollars is important to me and he starts to tell me he owes $17,000 in back taxes. We aren’t talking about you Hal, I am explaining to you why you can’t screw me out of money you don’t deserve. I tried to be polite and calm and said, “I am not criticizing you, I am telling you where I am coming from and why I have to be very careful about my money.” He said, “I know exactly how much money you have and he listed off how he has calculated my money. I am thinking “this guy is nuts! What the hell is he doing figuring out how much money I have?” I just left and got home after midnight again.

I am seeing so many red narcissistic flags flying around Hal’s head it’s scarey. Funny how you can pick up on it so easily when you’ve been there and when you aren’t romantically blinded. The gotta do things his way, he’s put in more effort than anyone else would, he’s more talented than anyone else, my time isn’t important, Mary’s safety isn’t important, he’s got all sorts of stuff stored at Mary’s and she gets shit from the city for it, he gets easily offended even if I suggest I might be able to get the part from someone else, has to know where I am and what I am doing, telling me what I have to do and getting angry if I don’t want to do it. It makes me shudder.

I ended up hauling the scrap in the van and stockpiling it at the farm for when I get my truck back. Friday I took in a load to Amix of mostly aluminum which I will pay BD for. So I am still thankful.

I didn’t even call him for 2 days or return his calls until last night and he asked where I had been. He had an accusatory tone to his voice when he said, “So I hear you were at Amix yesterday.” I said yes I was and I went straight home because I didn’t want to sit around waiting for him to show up and not get home until midnight or later and that I figured he’d call if my truck was ready. It turns out my truck isn’t ready and won’t be until tonight now. I asked what my bill is going to be and he said he hadn’t figured it out yet but he has about 14 hours into it, without parts, even at $50/hr I’m looking at a $700 bill for a $200 job. I am starting to lose my thankfulness.

So far since being on the farm I have had 2 pairs of hedge trimmers taken, my edging tool, pitch fork, shovel, and my container of drill bits, it seems everyday when I get home something else is missing. I am not sure if the workers think it is a free for all and don’t realize this stuff belongs to me and not the farm or what but it is starting to make me angry.

Not having the internet is really starting to get to me, of all the things I am living without I think it is the one that I miss the most., having my cell phone too but if I had the net I could at least email people but not having my phone has caused me to miss a couple of jobs. I’ve been here far longer than I had planned; I will be paying for my 3rd month of storage this week and beginning to wonder if I will ever use my stuff again. I try to not think about it and just take it day by day but then I think I am burying my head in the sand and not facing reality and the reality is with this drive shaft fiasco and having to get another engine there is no way I can get out of here this summer and that puts me into such a depression I can’t think about it. I am missing my gardens so badly it almost hurts.

Kato got away from me two days ago, I had been letting him out without a leash because he’s been so good about coming when he is called and he’s been so gimped up he doesn’t move very fast these days. Well, I turned my back for a few minutes putting laundry in the van and he disappeared. I drove up and down the road calling and he must have been hiding, (he’ll do that, usually I see his legs or tail sticking out from behind a bush but this time I couldn’t find him) I went back to the trailer and sat in the van wondering what I should do. The neighbors chickens were peacefully pecking away in the driveway when all of a sudden all hell broke loose and the chickens started squawking like mad. I looked up and all I could see was a golden streak heading in their direction. He may be gimpy but when he seeing chickens he’s greased lightening!! He went straight through the gate and disappeared into the yard with me right behind him yelling, “KATO NO!!!!” but it was too late, he came from around a shrub with a mouthful of feathers looking like the Shar-pei that ate the chicken (cat that ate the canary). I scolded him and he went running home. I knocked on the door but no one was home so I put an apology letter and $30 in an envelope and left it at her door.

The lady that owns the chickens has such a sweet little garden, magical actually and I was so envious and she has beautiful chickens and brought me a dozen fresh eggs when I first moved in so I felt especially horrible about the whole thing. Even though I did feel awful and was very angry with him and was giving myself shit for not watching him closer or closing the lady’s gate when I first saw the chickens, I had to hold back from laughing because Kato was quite a sight when he came around the bush with chicken feathers all over his face and looking so sheepish, he kept trying to blow the feathers off his face but he was busted!!!

That is my week in a big nutshell. It’s Monday, I sure hope I get my truck back soon, but I will take a deep breath and try to be thankful and not stress. Ha!!! I can’t even say it with a straight face.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

I’ve “Grinned, Beared It, and Been Thankful

I have really tried lately to see the brighter side of things, to be thankful for the blessings and not dwell on the problems. I have tried to “go with the flow” and not expect things to be done in my time frame and adapt my schedule and life to suit what was happening around me.

I have stopped to appreciate a sunset, listened to the birds chirping away in the morning, soaked in the beauty of the distant snow capped mountains, taken the time to help someone in need, and tried to generally let shit roll off me.
My thankfulness is being tested. We all know my U-joint was going on my truck. I had bought the Haynes Manual for my year and make truck, I’d bought the part I needed again. (The one JC sold me a few months ago for $50 was the wrong one and I got a brand new one for $26 at Lordco) I was planning on doing the job myself weekend before last.

On Thursday a fellow scrap hauler asked if I would take a job he had picking up at Canadian Tire in North Vancouver. It is a lot out of my way but he said I would make a couple hundred on it for sure; he just couldn’t fit it into his schedule. I asked what time I had to be there and he said any time. I was a little bit later than I had planned because I stopped at a regular customer’s and they were just finishing a huge clean up of his shop. He didn’t have my phone number and had already gotten rid of two bins of scrap. Now instead of being upset about the scrap I missed (all week I had felt I should stop in there but had been too busy) I was thankful for what scrap I did get. The guy helped me dig it out of the mud. When I got to North Vancouver they had already given the scrap to someone else. She said that the guy who gave me the job never said for sure he could come and she’d run into this other guy that said for sure he’d be there so she went with him.

Great! I just blew $50 in fuel to turn around and go back in rush hour traffic. It was stop and start bumper to bumper all the way and my rear end was clunking every time I stopped and started. I had two bridges getting there and two bridges leaving and I just prayed my rear end held together on the. bridges.

I made it over them both and looked at my watch, I hadn’t made not bad a time; it was only 3:30 so I had plenty of time to get to Amix. Not enough time to pick up any where else but at least I had a small load on and with some luck might make a couple hundred.

It was the hottest day so far this year and the dogs were hating it and fussy because the sun was on them.

Just as I was coming up to a main intersection on one of the main arterial roads in Surrey, 108th, there was a horrible crash, then grinding and I knew what had happened; my drive shaft had fallen off.

I got out looked under the truck and yep that’s what happened. Did I get upset? Nope, I thanked God it didn’t happen on one of the bridges; then I flagged the cars behind me to go around.

I come prepared so I threw on my safety vest, popped my hood to show I was broken down and got my safety cones out. I placed 6 safety cones out showing the lane was closed and got back in the truck. (My 4-ways don’t work properly) I started down my business cards calling for some one to pull me off the road or to come get my load and take it in for me before Amix closed because I was going to need money for sure.

No one could help, every tow truck I called was in another town or heading out of town. It was 4:00 in the afternoon on the first sunny day of the year, a Friday; the odds were not in my favor.

I heard brakes squealing and looked through the passenger window just in time to see an oriental lady flip me the bird. I didn’t feel her hit me but her car sure sounded like it had something dragging. After she passed me she had to pull over to extricate the cone that was stuck in the under carriage of her car. As the guy who was behind her drove past me he said, “I guess she didn’t see the cones.” And laughed.

People were insane!! I knew there was going to be an accident.

I came across Hal’s number; he had offered several times to get me parts or fix my truck and I’d never taken him up on it and I thought he had a tow truck; if nothing else I was hoping he could take the dogs for me. I knew he liked them because he had wanted Laila. I called him but he was busy but gave me a few numbers to try and said to call him back if didn’t have any luck. I was only a block from a gas station where I often fuel up so I thought I’d walk the dogs down there for a drink and see if they could help me. It was no easy task getting the dogs safely out of the truck on this busy road but I managed.

By now it was 4:45 and they were shutting the garage down at 5 so they were no help. I was heading back to the truck when a woman pulled into the driveway in front of me and said, “I’ve been looking for you, Hal sent me to come get the dogs” she then introduced herself as Hal’s wife. Thank you God!

Now I didn’t have to worry about the dogs. I put them in the air conditioned van and off they went. She asked if there was anything she should know and I said to keep them away from other dogs and they’d be fine.

I have a traffic sign with “slow” on one side and “stop” on the other so I gave up my search for a rescuer and went out to direct traffic. No word of a lie, with cones, a reflective vest, and a sign I still had to jump out of the way of at least 6 cars who didn’t see me.

After an hour of playing dodge ball with the traffic I decided to hell with it and went back to my truck. Hal called and said he had found a tow truck and would be there within the hour and his son would be able to fix my truck. Bonus!

Some lady had pulled right up to my bumper and was honking; she sat there through two traffic lights honking. I was 3 car lengths from the intersection, my hood was up, she had the last of my cones under her car and I figured if she was too stupid to pull into the other lane and go around me she could honk all she wanted. But when she started to honk when the light turned green for the 3rd time I couldn’t contain myself and laid on my horn. THEN she pulled around me and flipped me the bird and called me a bitch.

My good Lord!! And she drove off dragging my last cone under her car!! She got stopped at a red light right in front of me and I was tempted to go rip a strip off of her but thought better of it.

Some day I am going to stop in the middle of the road and sit there until I have a dozen cars behind me honking then I’ll get out and go, “Oh!! Do you want me to move?? Why didn’t you say so?” And then drive away.

What do people think? I parked there just to piss them off? If I had a choice would I choose to park in the middle of the road in rush hour on a hot day?

To the nasty lady: let me give you a tip; If a car sits through 3 lights without moving and you’ve been honking the whole time maybe you should get out and make sure they’re alive!!

Hal got there with the tow truck and got me off the road.
It cost $100 and I had $140 and I was thankful I had enough to pay for the tow truck. I was thankful Hal showed up, and when two of the tow trucks I had called earlier to make sure I wasn’t still sitting there I was thankful for my fellow scrap haulers who cared if I was ok.

To be continued:

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck