Tag Archives: narcissist

A Simple Explanation Of Why The Narcissist Does What He Does.

So many people ask, “Does the narcissist know he is not normal?”, “does he care he isn’t normal?”, “How can he treat people he says he loves, the way he does?”

Ok. This is the simplest way to understand what the narcissist is thinking and what motivates him.

Most everyone, whether they have children of their own or not; has seen a toddler throw a temper tantrum. As a parent, it is horrible to deal with. Trying to reason with a mad toddler is embarrassing at best and enough to bring a parent to tears, at worst.

People always refer to the “terrible twos” but with my son, it was the 3’s that drove me crazy and made me feel like the worst parent ever. I felt everyone was judging me for my ill behaved child. But as quickly as he could go into a total melt down; he could switch back to my cute, blonde, blue eyes little cuddle buddy, “I love you momma”.

If you have raised wee ones, think back to that day in the grocery store, just as you were almost done; and your 3 year old wants something and you say “no”. (Maybe you had exceptional children that never threw a tantrum, I don’t want parenting tips, this is an analogy to help you understand the narcissist).

The 3 year old, “But I want it!!”

You, “I said not today, mommy doesn’t have enough money.”

The three year old gets louder and shouts, “Pleeeaaase!!”

You, “No, I said no, begging isn’t going to help.”

Toddler, “But I want it!!” And he starts to cry, loudly!

Then he throws himself down on the floor kicking and screaming.

You try to pick him up and pack him out but he’s kicking and hitting you, he says, “I hate you. You’re not my mommy!”

That hurts. But you know he’s little and doesn’t mean what he says, he’s just mad and frustrated because he can’t have what he wants.

I used to run a daycare and have heard 3 & 4 yr olds tell their friends they hate them, will never play with them again, bite, kick, pull hair, punch.

With a toddler the adult should explain why that is not acceptable by saying something along the lines of, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?”

You can force them to say “I’m sorry” but they don’t really mean it, it just means no one is mad at them any more.

A 3 yr old will leave a toy for a year, and never play with it; but the minute another child comes along and starts playing with it,all of a sudden, its his favorite toy! And he wants it back.

A 3 yr old will just take something he wants. He doesn’t think about it as stealing, he sees it, he wants it, he takes it. As parents we teach them that it’s not right to take someone’s stuff. “How would they feel if someone took their stuff?”

We think it is normal behavior for a toddler to do these things and we know he/she will eventually grow out of it. For the most part, they are small enough that we can physically over power them and pack them out of the store, put them in their room, sit on the naughty stool or whatever punishment you use. They aren’t that smart yet and we can usually see through their manipulation or sneaky attempts to get what they want.

They will try anything, from saying they hate you, to crying, saying they love you, bartering, and alot of parents do eventually break down and just let him have what he wants. Big big mistake because he will keep doing it to get his way. As he gets older he has more stamina to have louder, longer, tantrums.

Ok now, take that 3 yr old and put him in a 30 year old body, with the intelligence and experience of a 30 year old. The same behavior, BUT a totally different scenerio! You can not physically protect yourself or subdue him. He can badger, beg, manipulate, a long time! Longer than you can stay strong. Eventually you give in just to shut him up.

If you find yourself explaining empathy to a full grown man as if he is a 3 yr old; you are involved with a narcissist.

Most children develop empathy at around the age of 3, a narcissist never develops empathy, his brain is incapable of feeling empathy, so he ends up stuck with the emotional intelligence of a 3 yr old forever more.

Who Does Something Like That? Why?

Victims hear it from everyone they tell. They start to not tell people what goes on behind closed doors or what they suspect the narcissist is up to; because people don’t believe them; they can’t believe it themselves and think people will think they are lying. Because who does that!?

Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person? Why lie about stupid things he doesn’t have to lie about. Why doesn’t he understand that you love him unconditionally? Why can’t you ever make him happy? Why when you do exactly what he tells you to do, he denies even saying it?

If he wants to break up and doesn’t love you, why does he keep coming back and accuse YOU of not loving him enough?

Why can’t you discuss anything without it ending in a huge fight?

I remember one time his sister was staying with us and we needed propane to cook with. He was in the barn so I text messaged him, “We are out of propane, I have money to get some.”

He messaged back, “I could go get the propane”.

I said, “Great! I’ll bring you the money. If you go for propane, I can get supper started while you’re gone “

I took him the money and went in the start supper. The gas station was a 15 minute round trip. After almost an hour I messaged, “Are you going to be much longer?”

His reply, “Nope”.

Another 15 minutes goes by and his sister says, message him again, what’s taking him so long?”

I wait a few more minutes and text, “Are you almost home?”

His reply, “I’m in the barn.”

Me, “You’re in the barn? Why didn’t say you were back?”

Him, “Back? From where”.

Me, “From getting propane.”

Him,” I didn’t say I was going to buy propane “

Me, “Yes you did, I brought you the money, you said you’d go for propane.”

Him, “I said I could go for propane, I didn’t say I WOULD go for propane.”

I told his sister what he had said and her mouth dropped open, “Who the fuck does that??!”

A narcissist does that, that’s who. Why? Because they are a narcissist and they love to mess with your head, upset you, ruin your plans, cause conflict, flex their power, get one up on someone. Life is a game, a game he invented, he writes the rules, and changes them at will, and he must win no matter what.

The Narcissist And The Pandemic

I have to admit I have no idea how a narcissist acts during a pandemic. It’s rather uncharted territory for everyone.

I can guess at how he will act. I can imagine my ex thinking he’s invincible, immune to anything that could kill him, using it as a venue to play the hero, rescue some lonely scared woman and also to scare his present victim into staying.

One thing I am certain of is that a narcissist never changes and never has an epiphany that turns him into a loving caring person. Even a pandemic will not make him realize what he has to lose and motivate him to change his ways.

What about the victims how does it affect them? It adds to their fear and uncertainty. If you were planning on leaving, it throws your plans all to hell. How can you leave when you have to socially distance or are on lockdown? Unfortunately it makes leaving all but impossible, so it means riding it out for awhile and staying as safe as you can. It means digging deep inside for strength to fight the fear and panic that keeps a person from acting logically and thinking rationally.

A narcissist feeds off of the emotions of others, maybe because he doesn’t have feelings of his own; playing with the emotions of others somehow gives him the next best thing.

I didn’t even have ID or a bank account and had to literally start all over from nothing at 52 years old. As if I woke up after being in a coma for 10 years, nothing was the same as it had been and I couldn’t remember who I was before the coma.

I will tell you this; I was always able to find a reason to stay. At first it was my brother’s addiction and my family being so worried about him. Then it was my son, then I had lost my job, I had to save enough for rent, there was always some plausible reason to stay. The first time I packed my bags and had my hand on the door knob about to leave was 2 weeks after I had moved in, and he cried and begged me to stay. I remember thinking, what have I got to lose? 9 years later I left with absolutely nothing, less than nothing, because I had sacrificed my pride, self esteem, confidence, the respect of my family and more importantly my self respect.

We split in November 2010 but had actually split many times during the relationship, like almost every 6 months. In 2008 we had split when my mother offered to buy me a mobile home as my early inheritance. Having the security of my own home again had motivated me to end it for good. I didn’t let him stay even one night in my new home and it wasn’t long before he moved away and we didn’t talk for 3 months.

My business was going wonderfully, I had been written up on the front page of the financial section of a prominent newspaper and couldn’t keep up with the calls for my services. I had started to date again, actually flirting with a guy who had been after me for over a year.

Then the economy tanked, but it only meant more work for me as companies shut down left and right. My mom and her second husband started pressuring me to sell my truck and “get a real job”, which was insanity, seeing as everyone was being laid off and I couldn’t keep up with all the work. I made $7500 in February 2009 alone. I was making my payments, my confidence was coming back, life was good except the pressure every morning from my folks. In November they had told me they had to sell my mobile home because of the market crashing, yet they went on an 8 week vacation. Telling me to find a place to move before they got back. They returned early March and true to their word they put my home up for sale.

When my ex called out of the blue I felt I had nothing to lose by talking to him. Take my advice; when ever you find yourself thinking, “what have I got to lose?” Think again! You always have more to lose, even when you think you’ve lost it all, a narcissist will take your soul and if you give him the chance, your life.

Had I done ANYTHING other than go back to him, I would be in better shape now. His whole purpose of coming back was to destroy me completely. The mind is a funny thing, it blocks out painful memories after a while. Like when you give birth and decide to have another child. I forgot how bad it had been and thought I knew how to handle him and avoid fights, protect myself financially and emotionally. But I had not seen what he was capable of yet, not even close. The pure evil that appeared once he had me back was, well, something out of a horror, thriller movie. Or Dirty John, the true story about a woman involved with a narcissist/psychopath.

You may be thinking you can’t afford to leave, but believe me, you can’t afford NOT to leave, even if you have no support. It will be the scariest thing you have ever done, but take that first step and don’t look back, you are stronger than you think.

Each person facing their own unique set of circumstances so I can’t advise you on exactly how you’ll do it but trust that you can.

I have the free download for a Safety Plan on how to leave a narcissist in the drop down menu at the top of the page. Make sure the narcissist doesn’t know you have it, (erase the history on the computer) but start preparing for your exit bit by bit.

If you have recently left the narcissist you are probably thinking you need him, you’re thinking about the new woman he’s isolating with, how you need someone to help you cope with the kids, the finances, and to just put his arms around you so you don’t feel so alone. This is not the time for “if onlys”, it is time to do some major self counsel and keep your head in reality. Who you thought he was, was a lie, an act and you know deep down that he wouldn’t have been there to support you through this or any other disaster, nature or one he created. The narcissist never made your life better, he created trauma and drama and caused you more worry and stress; especially when you needed him most.

Don’t let him sweet talk you into taking him back and don’t think the new woman is getting all the wonderful things about him. Maybe he is making sure you think he’s changed by putting on a good act but believe me history WILL repeat itself.

This is not the time to cave. You can do this.

You never know how strong you are until you get through what you didn’t think you could.

If it didn’t scare the hell out of you, if you knew you could do it; it wouldn’t take strength.

I used to tell myself;

“I can do anything for 24 hours. I just have to get through until tomorrow.” Sometimes it was hour by hour. Often times we look at what’s happening and think I can’t do this forever. It never is forever. Things change, they always get better. Don’t worry about what might never come to be. Keep your head in the here and now, just get through the next 24 hours.

My thoughts are with you all and I want to hear about your challenges and victories. Let’s pull each other close and support each other. I am going to check everyday to make sure you are all ok. Let’s talk.

Hugs❤️❤️❤️