I received the following email the other day and had to post it and my reply. I may have been a little harsh in my response, tell me what you think.
hi – i love your blog.. it really helps… my ex bf and i broke up 5 months ago and i havent talked to him since the break up.. he hasn’t reached out.. i think he was cheating on me in the end with this new girl. i miss him a lot and that upsets me because it wasnt a real person. i wish hed call and say sorry, i wish this was just a bad dream..
This is my story with my ex..(well the short version) we met at a show 5 years ago (well a little over 5 years now) and we texted for a full month before we met – anytime we tried to meet he would make excuses.. i got tired of it so the 3rd time he did that i decided to screw it and went out with my guy friends.. the min he saw I was doing that he asked me to come over.. and we started dating .. he would text me and call me all day at work.. the first few months i guess the first 6 or maybe more..there were some weird things but really things were great like really amazing.. and then all of a sudden it flipped it was like he would suddenly get really angry and then really sweet.. and be depressed all the time.
After the first year I found out he was 20K in debt from pot. (i found out with his parents) they paid it off. He didn’t have a job at this time.. he appreciated I understood.. His parents had begged me to stay with him .. and I understood he just had a rough year.. he did the same thing the next year.. with still no job though.. and I found out from his parents he was in debt again – he couldn’t even tell me..his parents smoke pot.. so the fact that he lied to them it was shocking.. I’m very against pot.. and he blamed that he had to lie to me because of my beliefs towards it .. both times.. and so on and on time went.. he kept saying he was going to go to grad school because he couldn’t get a job (hes my age.. I’m 29 now) he had never really had a job and it went on and on.. there would always be a double standard with everything, I either called too much or too little.. no matter what I did there would be fault.. if I would push him it would irritate him.. i just couldn’t win.. he would lie and lie and lie and make up excuses about his career.. it went on and on .. my friends never liked him and my parents refused to meet him so he would make me feel so bad about something that wasn’t my fault. (I’m Indian he’s not – but they didn’t like him because he didn’t have his career together) and he would say mean things at times.. not that i sucked or any of those kind of statements.. just when we would be having a fight really really harsh things…
He would always say my standards are too high, nothing satisfies me, nothing is enough for me.. no guy could make me happy.. he would say that a lot when we fought… anyways it had been 5 years this year.. and i told him that if he didn’t want to go to school or didn’t want to anything with his career its fine but understand the consequences .. he always did things that made him happy at that moment, but never planned or thought about what the consequences would be and then would cry how it didn’t work out.He was living at home.. but his parents paid for him to move into the city (I’m from ny) and they pay for his rent..hes barely making any money.. he has a job now .. I asked him, ‘ look I don’t want to get married now but I would like to by 32 I mean we’ve been dating for 5 years.. and he would get mad that I’m comparing myself to other people-all of his friends are married and sorted .. he’s the only one who’s in this situation..
Well I finally convinced my parents to meet him and he flipped out said harsh things.. and all of a sudden we broke up.. while he’s telling me he loves me .. and flips things back and forth said a million things that weren’t true.. and played games and manipulated the whole time.. some of it which I picked up and called him out on and he would be quiet when we were breaking up .. He wanted to end it and i was a wreck.. but then he wouldn’t leave my apt.. I said, ” look if we are done you need to leave” and he wouldn’t.. anyways after the break up he played more games by block/unblocking me on fb.. started a twitter war..
I found out through twitter who the girl he was cheating on me with towards the end.. and now they are all lala.. he smokes with her.. she doesnt care about careers I can tell.. and when we met he told me he was vegetarian.. and now hes eating everything under the sun, when i found that out I was devastated .. because it told me he lied about everything .. I couldn’t believe it, who would lie about such a thing.. and honestly i dont even care that much what you choose to eat.. wouldn’t stop me from dating someone who ate meat.. yes its easier but it certainly isn’t a decision point..
Now I see them all happy and I question is he who I think he is a narc/socio or just an ass.. i guess the question comes from was it me or not.. and will he do it to her.. I ask this not just for my sanity .. because if it is me .. I need to understand what I’m doing wrong so that this doesnt happen in the future.. I dont think I could have done more than I did with the relationship.. I was always loving, supportive,caring.. its my nature.. my friends think I was in an abusive relationship – naturally they know all the stories.
Well this is my story in its shortest possible form (which isn’t very short – I have lots of examples of his behaviour just a lot to type)
I dont know if this helps.. but yes. oh something I must mention he ruined almost all of my birthdays.. birthdays are a big deal for me .. and he would always find a way to ruin them ..
How do I know if the person I was with really is a narc/socio and was not just an ass to me? I go back and forth on this a lot. He lied to me about everything from day one which has come out since the breakup… well I know some of the lies which makes me think there is a lot more i don’t know.. he seems more honest with her – it hurts me so much that he lied to such a degree with no care. we were together for 5 years and it never mattered to him once. But he seems so happy with the new girl.and she’s the polar opposite of me. I mean she talks like skank on twitter like no tomorrow.. talking about their sex life etc etc..
I wonder if he’ll contact me, if he thinks about me, if he still has number in his phone, if he looks at my twitter page or feel something that i blocked him.. i feel a bit stuck and hurt. Sometimes i realise i even want him back even though i know he did horrible things to me this makes me worried for myself.
How do i really know who he is and that he hasn’t changed and will do it to her? I keep going in circles with this.. i want an answer .. my mind is so lost.
i would truly appreciate your thoughts and advice..
thank you so so so much.