Tag Archives: narcissists

“OMG, How Stupid Can She Be?”

My mom and I watched “Dirty John” on Netflix the other night. My mother kept saying how stupid Debra was to continue seeing John. I kept reminding her of the one thing people forget; that at the time it is happening the victim is not privy to what is going on behind the scenes.

When people watch the movie or even when the victim tries to explain what happened; they have the benefit of already knowing the person is an abusive narcissist, they know basically how the story ends.

No victim would have stayed had they seen the movie and knew how it would end.

I suppose they have to make the movie that way to show the audience the full story, but there really should be 2 movies, one simply showing what the victim saw and then a version showing what was truly going on.

You also have to understand what the victim has been through in their life and the dialogue playing in her head, before anyone can judge and say, “It would never happen to me.”

Like Debra, I had been a single mom for years, met some real losers, and had always been responsible, worked full time, bent over backwards for the people I loved and I was tired!

Like Debra and her daughter, my teenage son was giving me grief with his attitude.

Through the years and any relationship I had I was the main bread winner, the home owner, the reliable one, the peace keeper, and care taker. I had been told by men I dated that I was “too independent”. I watched girl friends meet guys who wanted to take care of them and spoil them. I was told I didn’t give the nice guys a chance because if a guy was clingy I dumped him. I hated love struck puppies.

In the months prior to meeting my ex, my 3rd marriage had failed, I lost my home and everything I had worked for the past 20 years and my ex claimed backruptcy, so I lost my pristine credit rating also. I had started a new job making $10/hr instead of the $17 I was used to. My son had quit school and I had lost all control of him.

I was done! I was tired, my face had broken out in acne for the first time in my life from nerves, my son treated me with disrespect, I was drinking too much, I felt defeated.

My mother owned a small cabin at a lake where I had once owned a cabin. I asked to rent it and she said I could take over the mortgage payments on it and any equity in it would be my inheritance. She had given my brother approximately the same amount when he bought his first house. We agreed to keep it in her name because my STB ex was going bankrupt and we didn’t want to take the chance of me losing the cabin.

I was to pay $650/month mortgage payment, which, on $10/hr; was hard enough to cover but there was a lease payment every year and property taxes totalling a couple thousand dollars.

I felt like that poster you used to see every where a few years ago, of the kitten clinging to the end of a rope by its claws. My mom was remarried to a man with money and they were traveling the world. She had only ever dreamed of a life like that and she was having the time of her life and understandably, didn’t want anything or anyone to burst her bubble.

My mother was calling me daily to complain about my son. As is typical in small communities, people gossip, everyone knows everyone’s business and she was hearing about my son’s activities.

I had to work and had no control of him during the day, his father said,”you wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. When I asked for help.

I was a prime target for the charms of a narcissist. The story book romance, my knight in shining armor, a man who made me feel sexy, alive, and like everything about me was perfect.

I wasn’t looking for love, I was looking to have a good time, but like they say, “When you stop looking for love, when you least expect it, love will walk into your life.”


How Do You Know If You Are You Being Tracked?

Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing for sure without going to alot of expense and even then, you won’t know for sure.

In November it will be 8 years since I left my ex, and I know he had a tracking device on my vehicle before I left. So this is not new technology and it is even further advanced than this video warns. I know!

All they have to do is call your phone and you return their call. The minute your phone connects with his phone, just his voice mail; he has access to all your information.

I was diligent about not answering any calls from numbers I didn’t recognize but I had started a new job and I got lots of calls from numbers I didn’t know. I had seen the call come in and not answered. I checked my messages but they didn’t leave a message. I debated, should I return the call? Or not?

I stopped for smokes at the Husky Gas Station around the corner where I lived and decided to return the call.

After all, I hadn’t heard a word from my ex in a year and 1/2.

I was entering a new exciting phase of my life, just gotten a new job, just signed a rent-to-own agreement and moved into a sweet cabin on a lake and I had to stop being paranoid.

I punched in the numbers, it rang twice and then I heard his voice telling me to leave a message.

I dropped my phone like an electrical shock had travelled the phone lines and hung up as quickly as I could without saying a word.

Immediately my mind exploded with questions, “Why did he call and not leave a message?” “Why would he call and then not answer when I called back?”, “What is he up to?”. I never got another call from that number and I never called it again and I tried to just put it out of my mind.

I suspected he had hacked into my phone when strata counsel where I lived started getting annonymous complaints about me as did my landlord and boss. Plus my (new to me) truck broke down.

It was all very dejavu….. I told myself to not be paranoid, anyone I told that I suspected he had somehow hacked into my phone, acted like I was paranoid.

I took my phone to the store where I bought it, they checked it and said there was no way it had been hacked into, there was no tracking app installed on it and to be safe just shut off my GPS.

Once they have access to your phone they have total access to ALL the information and apps on your phone. You can shut your phone OFF and they can turn it on without you ever knowing. It can be off, sitting beside you and they can access your GPS.

While still with him, with his sister in my truck right beside me as a witness; my phone started playing this John Mayer song popular at the time. It would play the same song at random times during the day and wouldn’t stop until I took out the battery and rebooted my phone. If you don’t know the song here are the words;

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring
Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, ’till the day you came
Showing me a another way and all that my love can bring
Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
(I can’t stop loving you)
I can’t stop loving you
(I can’t stop loving you)
I can’t stop loving you with half of my
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man
Who’s never truly loved anything
Songwriters: John Mayer

You can see that having this song randomly play throughout the day was a total mind fuck when I am packing to leave him. No one would have believed me, thank God his sister was with me everyday and witnessed the bizarre events but then people thought we were both crazy!

At least I knew I wasn’t crazy, I finally had a witness to the bizarre things, the “coincidents” that kept happening.

– how he never ever got home before me but would arrive within 15 minutes of me getting home. I even used to get home and leave if he wasn’t there trying to get home after him.

– how even though I bought two new batteries for my truck and had my whole charging system checked the batteries were dead every morning. (She marked the batteries with a permanent marker. Sure enough they had been switched out)

– he always seemed to know exactly what we did and talked about every day.

– he would just happen to show up where ever I was.

– she was the one who found the wire leading from his shop to a receiving device under the trailer where we lived.

– she was there with me in the truck when we heard a man’s voice coming from the glove box. Kato even cocked his head and stared at the glove box, his sister tore the glove box apart but found nothing. My ex had said he was putting a new radio in my truck just a week prior but it was exactly the same as my old one and once he was done the heater stopped working. We had laughed at how he had screwed up the heater but then we put 2 and 2 together and figured he must have put some sort of transmitter in the truck and we must have picked up some air waves of someone’s cell phone or baby monitor or something. I don’t know enough about it to know all the intricate details, I just know he was listening.

Unfortunately, most victims don’t have a witness and when they tell people they aren’t believed because it sounds so far fetched. The police want solid proof not a “feeling” and the narcissist is so good at playing the victim going to the police becomes futile. People think you are paranoid and even you start to doubt your sanity.

After the episode when I returned his call the mechanic where I worked put a new deck on my truck. He came to me with something tiny in his hand and and asked, “Do you have someone who would be stalking you?”

My stomach lurched, “Why?”

He looked and at the thing in his hand, “Do you know what this is?”

Me, “No.”

Him, “It’s a tracking device. I found it under your deck.”

Me, “That little thing? How would he attach it, where was it?”

Him, “It’s magnetic. All he has to do is walk past your truck and slap it under your deck. 2 minutes. And you never know it’s there unless you know what to look for. Even then, I only saw it when I took your deck off.”

I told him about the strange phone call and how I had been getting anonymous complaints to strata etc. He nodded knowingly, “Sure” he said matter of factly. “They call and hang up. If you don’t receive any other calls before you return the call he is automatically connected to your phone, camera, apps, music, whatever. And the kicker is; even if you shut your phone off, if it is in the room with you he can see and hear everything.

I have had a drone outside my window. There are drones capable of crashing your laptop so it never works again. I know!!

I got sick of trying to get people to believe me. I am sure my own family thought I was nuts, I just gave up trying, it made me sound crazy and paranoid.

People say, “Who would do something like that? Why?”

I’ll tell you who does something like that; a psychopath does that. Why? Because he is a psychopath that’s why. And it’s a safe bet it is not in your best interest.

But does a narcissist do something like that? Look. There will be a bunch of narcissist who will tell you that they would never do something like that, they don’t care enough about what their partner or ex is doing to bother.

1. Narcissists are pathological liars, if their lips are moving, they are lying

2. Narcissists never admit to anything, deny deny deny

3. All psychopaths are narcissistic so it is all but impossible for even professional therapists to know the difference. Their traits are so intertwined; by the time you figure out your “run of the mill” narcissist is actually a psychopath; it’s too late and you’re in a fight for your life.

At this point a bunch of psychopaths are wildly typing comments about how they are not killers and I don’t know what the hell I am talking about.

I won’t argue with a psychopath or narcissist; I don’t make random assumptions or state something is fact unless I have experienced it myself or done a lot of research. I fact check everything I type.

Watch some ID TV, Fatal Vows, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Killer You Know, all true stories.

Google search, “How to track my wife”.

“How to get any woman to do anything you want”

“How to hack my wife’s phone”

Do not doubt your gut instincts. Don’t let him guilt you into giving him the benefit of doubt. Your life is hanging in the balance. And No, I am not being melodramatic or an alarmist.

Recipe For Making A Suicidal Murderer


People always ask how narcissists are made, some say it’s because of some trauma in their childhood or because they were over indulged growing up. I believe it is part nurture but mostly nature, some anomaly of nature, too many xx’s or not enough x’s and upbringing more affected how it presented itself in the narcissist.

It seems there are more narcissists than ever, but they aren’t true narcissists, they are “narcissist like” and I think we are seeing the results of 3 decades of mood altering drugs being given to our kids. ADHD became a thing about 30 years ago and has become so common nothing is thought of it when a parent is told their kid needs to be on drugs. I was aghast when it was suggested to me 30 years ago and I am so happy I didn’t agree.

I have talked about in recent posts about the side effects of SSRI’s and psychiatric drugs and the effect they have on people. Drug companies down play the adverse side effects and insist any slight side effects are far outweighed by the benefits. I am calling BULLSHIT! The whole purpose of the drugs is to calm a child down, make them more compliant, docile, easy to handle. They numb the child’s emotions, meaning their ability to feel empathy and compassion are numbed but they are known to induce anger, aggression, paranoia, suicidal tendencies, homicidal tendencies and violence. That is just cruel! barbaric! and the government, big pharma is doing it to our kids.

They say that kids often outgrow ADHD, really; so in other words you are drugging them so they are easier to get through school and out of the house. Maybe they are just different, maybe they are more head strong, more intelligent, need to be challenged, but oh no, that would take effort, it’s easier to drug them.

No one knows for sure the long term effects of the drugs because no one cares. I am not a doctor or psychiatrist but I know this; if you alter a child’s mind when they are developing their personality, you alter the structure of their brain. You can make a “narcissist-like” person.

Following is a link to my most recent post on Reimer Reason on how to make a murderer.

SSSShhhhh!! Don’t Say Narcissist or Psychopath

I run into it all the time and have actually changed the way I talk about domestic abuse; I leave the word “narcissist” or “psychopath” out of the conversation. For whatever reason people just shut down when you give a name to the abuser. It’s like, yeah, he is abusive but he’s not a narcissist or a psychopath. 

Ok. I don’t like labels either, we can call him “abusive” if that makes you more comfortable. But refusing to acknowledge they exist (narcissists and psychopaths) does not make them go away, they are still out there and they are still in your life whether you know it or not. They are living in your neighborhood, teaching your children, they are doctors, police, soldiers, bankers and many of them are sleeping in the bed of a totally unsuspecting woman. A woman who is laying there wondering what the hell happened to the man she fell in love with, wondering what she did wrong and what she can change to bring the loving sweet man she met, back.

When someone you love changes so drastically from a sweet caring guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on you into a evil, cruel, man with loathing in his eyes; you automatically look for a reason why he changed, brain tumor? People envision a psychopath looking like a psychopath! eyes that burn into you, an evil smirk, disheveled hair, they are sure they could pick a psychopath out of the crowd. They would never fall in love with a psychopath.

People get stuck on what to call them, are they sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists? They are all Anti-Social Disordered. That is a mouthful.

I was listening to a woman speak on domestic abuse survivors going back to their abuser. They go back on average 7 times before they leave for good, the reason for this is because as long as they think they have the power to fix the relationship they will keep going back. They will not stop until they have done absolutely everything they can to fix the relationship. That is what helped me stay away; every time I started to think I wanted to go back I would think about all the things I had changed trying to make it work, make him happy and nothing had worked; NOTHING! I tried to think of something I had not tried and couldn’t think of one thing, he had crossed every single boundary I had.

I didn’t know what I know now, what this woman was talking about; THEY CAN NOT CHANGE.

*NOTE I said they CAN NOT change, not they won’t, not they will not change, they can not change!! Their brains are wired differently, they do not have the capacity to feel guilt, empathy or remorse.

This woman said she showed brain scans to the victims of abuse and when they realized their ex was physically disabled and unable to change they were able to walk away.

I guess that is why being able to label the abuser becomes so important. The victims need to know, they can not “help”, fix or change him.

In order to stop domestic abuse, in order to save lives and educate society we have to call a spade a spade and admit they exist.

This is a link to a post I did a year ago



Why It Is So Hard To Leave The Psychopath

I read a really great article on Lovefraud today, I think many people can benefit from it. I wish it would have been explained to me this clearly waaaaaay back then

Here is the link.

If He Was So Bad Why Does It Hurt So Bad?


I know whenever I broke up with guys before I met James I would hurt but I would be sure of my decision, I would go along in a relationship and at some point I would know, “This relationship isn’t going anywhere” and I would be able to walk away. But with James every we broke up I doubted myself and my decision.

It hurt! like I had never hurt before in any other relationship I had ended; and if it hurt this bad, then maybe I was making a mistake breaking up with him. If he was that bad, why did it hurt so much? And then there would be the friend whose well meaning advice or concern would give me reason to doubt my decision. “If you are this upset maybe it is a mistake” or they would mention they had seen him with another woman and they seemed so happy and I would think maybe it WAS my fault.

I just watched this Matthew Hussey video where he discusses this exact problem of self doubt.

In the past, often times I did stay friends with my ex’s, or have second thoughts, go on a few more dates and realize I was right to break up with them; but with the narcissist it is a different ball game. In the past I had dated “normal” guys, guys who may not be my type, or annoying, or lazy, or whatever the reason was for me breaking up with him, but he was not sick and twisted, they didn’t have evil intentions. When you are dealing with a narcissist, you are dealing with a sick individual who makes no sense, we try to figure out why he does what he does, and we assign him human emotions when he has only rehearsed and memorized emotions and only intends on causing us the most pain and confusion he can in order to feed his sick ego and need for control.


The pain is normal, it does not mean you still love him or made a mistake leaving him, it means you need to take time to heal and in the case of a narcissist that includes no contact. You MUST keep reminding yourself that you are not dealing with a normal person and stop assigning him emotions and feelings he does not have.

If you need help with self doubt and getting past the narcissist join us in my new blog “No Reim’er Reason” just click on the donate button and pay $15 for a life time membership, price is only good until the new year and then new members will be paying a monthly fee. We have over 20 members now, come join us!! See you there! Live support from 11-1 Monday to Friday.

Psychopath vs Narcissist

The question below was asked on Quora yesterday, my answer and the comment from a man who claims he is a narcissist come after. I discussed this question in my last post which you can read here.

I am sharing it with you just because i found it interesting. It doesn’t change my view of narcissists and to be honest I am not really sure of the point Ruud was trying to make. I know there are varying degrees of narcissism and that there are differences between a narcissist and a psychopath, but the bottom line is they are toxic, they do not change and it is in everyone’s best interest to stay as far away from them both as possible. For me, how they got the way they are and the slight differences between them make very little difference. I suppose it matters to the narcissist or psychopath (but I doubt anything matter much to the psychopath except how it can benefit him) and seeing as they are pathological liars and academy award winning actors and Ruud claims to be one, I am not sure I can believe a word he says and he may just be playing with me. Who knows and who really cares? I know that I was used abused and tossed aside by a toxic man who has no conscience or remorse (that I have seen, he has cried and said he was sorry to only a week later blame me and call me a psycho) and most everyone who comes in here has the same story. In Ruud’s comment he states that there is no way of knowing what a narcissist will do, I don’t know, they all seem to be following the same play book to me. Or maybe they are all psychopaths, or for that matter they are sociopaths. They all do and say the same things. So it makes no difference to me, but it may make a difference to you. But FYI, here is the question.

Can anyone confirm the validity of narcissistic personality disorder?

My question is more on the lines of whether it is proven. It appears to me that the symptoms of this disorder are in part within many of us, who are ambitious. I fail to see how an ambitious person is not suffering from the same. Additionally are there any key symptoms(meaning some symptoms must be present, the rest may or may not be present) that must be present to diagnose someone as suffering with this disorder ?


Carrie Reimer

You are right, we all have some narcissistic traits, we have to to be successful in this world and some people are more narcissistic than others. But a true narcissist has no conscience, none; no conscience = no guilt, remorse, or empathy. A person who has no conscience knows right from wrong, they just don’t care who they hurt, use, or exploit.

Narcissism used to be called Moral Insanity and more recently there has been the discussion of changing the DSM-5 to remove narcissism from a disorder all on its own to be included in a class called “Anti Social Personality Disorder” which would include Psychopaths, and sociopath because they are the only disorders that all have the same trait of having no conscience.
A person without a conscience is free to do as they please without losing any sleep over the harm they cause. Think about it, what keeps anyone of us on the straight and narrow? Some people are more empathetic than others but a normal person has SOME empathy. Narcissists have none. So they go through life doing as they please, taking what they want by any means necessary and using people to their advantage, true love is impossible without empathy. It has been noted that they also have a higher pain threshold, they just don’t ‘feel” like a normal person.
The main traits of a narcissist are:
– pathological liars, they lie about everything from their credentials, their feelings, how much money they make, their upbringing, whether they love you, what they own, you name it, they lie about it even when it doesn’t make sense to lie. They can pass lie detectors tests because they do not have the normal bodily reactions to lying that most people do, they don’t feel guilt so no reaction when they lie.
– Expert actors – they have learned to fake emotions because they have none and know that to fit in they need to act like they care. They can cry real tears at the drop of a hat.
– it is all about power and control, they must be in control of everything and everyone in their life.
– They feel superior to other people because they see people with feelings as weak and they use that weakness against others to get what they want.
– They feed off of the pain they cause others, ie: they will work tirelessly to get a married woman to fall in love with them and then once the woman leaves her husband they will drop her like yesterday’s garbage, ruining her marriage, ripping a family apart just for the ego boost that they could do it.
– It is all about how things look and not how they really are, they often treat their family like dirt behind closed doors but present this all round great guy image to the outside world.
– Are usually charming, charismatic, and well liked when you first meet them and unless you fall in love with one or go into business with one you won’t see their mask drop. They hide their true nature from everyone but the people closest to them.
– They never admit fault or take blame for anything, they are always the victim and will accuse the victim of doing to them what they did to the victim and because they are such good actors they are often believed over the true victim, adding insult to injury. The victim ends up destroyed by the narcissist and the narcissist ends up walking away unscathed.
– These are the people you hear about who had 3 wives and none of the wives knew about the other ones, or the doctor who practiced medicine for 10 years and never went to med school, the investment expert who rips off seniors for all their savings…..
– They are adrenaline junkies usually and like the thrill of living on the edge, that may be morally or physically on the edge
– often times they have sexual deviancy, such as porn addiction, fetishes, and are never faithful to their significant other.
– They lie about their accomplishments and expect praise and credit for things they aren’t responsible for, they don’t care if you know it is a lie as long as you praise them loud and often. False praise is just fine because life to them is all a show anyway.
– They live life as if it is a game of strategy, always trying to get the other guy before he gets them, they are out to use everyone they meet so they assume everyone else is operating like them.
– They assess everyone they meet by what the person has that they want or could use. If a person has nothing they want they are of no value to the narcissist or once he has depleted the resources of that person they are of no use to the narcissist and he casts them off in the most cold, cruel way possible.
– Most of them do not become violent and use mind control and manipulation to get what they want but if they feel they are about to be exposed for who they truly are or lose what they consider to be theirs they will stop at nothing and have been known to murder. Because they are so cold and calculated and able to lie so proficiently they often get away with murder, quite literally.

Narcissism is a diagnosed personality disorder but very often goes undetected because they are such good actors and are able to talk their way out of their criminal activity. They do not see that they have a problem and view themselves as superior to others so they do not seek professional help so those who do get diagnosed are usually the ones who by chance end up in jail for murder or a life time of criminal activity.

It is very hard to diagnose them or study them because they are such liars and able to mimic emotions and the psychologist never knows if he is getting the “real deal” or the narcissists is just playing with him. The narcissist is quite entertained by sucking a professional in and will actually learn techniques to better manipulate people while in therapy. There is no cure.

Ruud Schmitz

You confuse narcissism with psychopathy, like many people. This is unfortunate. Though the behavior is much alike, the origin and motivation for this behavior are very different.

Carrie Reimer

Ruud, I respect your knowledge, after all you say you are a narcissist. I am just curious, I have read that narcissist are rarely diagnosed because they don’t see themselves as having a problem. Are you saying that isn’t true? I am really confused because the traits seem exactly the same to me. Are you saying that narcissism is brought on by some childhood trauma and psychopaths are born that way or a combination of both? nurture and nature? for both?
I know there are varying degrees of narcissism, are you saying they are not as dangerous? don’t cause as much pain and suffering as a psychopath? and seeing as a psychopath has narcissistic traits how does a lay person know whether they are dealing with a narcissist or a psychopath?
You see I deal with victims of narcissists or psychopaths every day and I always tell them that they can not change and they are dangerous because how would they ever know the difference until it is too late?
I was with a man I thought was a narcissist and found a website where the wife said she “loved” him well basically. Being a typical victim I grabbed that like a life line and vowed to “cure” my ex. It was almost my undoing and in many ways was. I think now he was a psychopath but only came to that conclusion 2 years after leaving him and fearing for my life.
if a victim of abuse thinks there is any chance of the abuser being cured they will hang in there until it is too late. So what do I tell people? It seems these days everyone is calling everyone a narcissist or thinking they are one and it is getting out of control. Narcissism (aside from healthy narcissistic traits which does vary person to person) from everything I have read is not curable and to be involved with one is detrimental to a person’s well-being. It is not simply an inflated ego. Also they are said to be pathological liars so you never know if you are getting the straight goods, There was a time my ex admitted he had issues and said he knew he was a narcissist or borderline but later totally denied saying any such thing. then months later admitted to saying it but said that he only said it to get me to come back to him.
Can you clarify please?

Ruud Schmitz

I will try to clarify what i think is not clear Carrie. But first let me say that what you do is appreciated and above all valuable. My comment is not meant as criticism on what you are doing or saying, but merely as a correction on the fact. It does, or at least it is not meant to – in no way degrade your intentions or your work.
I know your story, and i am sorry you have gone through the things you did. They are in the past though and you are looking at the future. Very good.
There is great difference between the diagnostics for either one or the other: (taken from the DSM IV TR) as later versions or ICD 10 are incomparable)
A) A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:

  1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
  2. deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
  3. impulsive or failure to plan ahead;
  4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
  5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
  6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
  7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

B) The individual is at least age 18 years
C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.


  1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
  2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
  3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
  4. Requires excessive admiration.
  5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
  6. Is inter-personally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
  7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
  8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
  9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

So you see, where they overlap is Sociopath 2, narcissist 6. Other than this, it’s not very clear. But this is only diagnostics and says little about behavior.

This is exactly where narcissists are ever accused of: “They will exploit you, suck you out, leave you empty and drained.” But as you see, it is not just narcissistic behavior.

There is no way to tell how a narcissist will behave. When you think you have found a way to describe some general behavior, you remember there is a group that act exactly contradictionally, so the rule does not apply. And from what i know of psychopaths, among them there are just as good chameleons in the social field. So, there just is no way of telling what one will do given a certain situation without knowing that specific individual better.

But, there is a giant difference between the two. And that is the origin of the behavior. The place where it all starts. The brain.
Narcissism is a ‘self rewarding system’. It confirms itself over and over again, once it is placed within the brain. It becomes the master of the brain it takes over. The previous owner, does not know there is someone else anymore. There is only this new him, the narcissistic one. The old him, never existed. Narcissism is brilliant playing that game. It rarely fails.
 The narcissist cannot ‘admit’ he is a narcissist, because he does not know. It would mean admitting that everything he / she has learned about himself for almost all of his life was fake. That there is someone else living inside of him or her that he does not know.That every sense and every feeling he has had since he van remember was fake. That is just too much to comprehend. Can you imagine admitting this you your self ?
So narcissism takes care of that. And keeps the real person hidden deep inside, far away from the surface. This is very well possible, because this real person is in bad shape. It’s unloved, unwanted, ugly, a monster, not self-confident at all, weak, weaker, weakest. A shell-fish without a shell. A big dark hole that person does not want to even get near.
And narcissism does him the favor of keeping him a way. So far, and so long, he forgets it’s there. Narcissism makes him think he is good, he’s great. He can do things, people like him. And when they don’t? That’s not his fault, that’s theirs! They are dumb, they cannot see his genius! And narcissism is always right. It becomes an addiction. And all this time, all his life, the person is not aware, unaware, that his life is led by an illness.
Where a psychopath damn well is aware of the fact that he is different. He doesn’t care. It’s great being able to do all those cool things. Not being afraid, makes him look tough. Get’s him the girls. So what if i break a leg. I don’t care. It’ll heal. Look what else I can do, and i won’t fear it, ad i won’ t feel bad over the results.

The narcissist is conscious of the dangers in life, and will only in extreme situations be as dangerous as a psychopath. On an emotional level he may cause as much, maybe even more hurt, because he is unaware of what he does, and in extreme cases unaware of the feelings of the other party. Where the psychopath absolutely is aware, but just doesn’t care.

For the ‘victim there is no difference in terms of hurt. But i feel – being a victim myself – that it is good to know if you are a victim of someone who doesn’t know better and actually will be sorry, or someone who does not care. 
And people conclude to easily that narcissists just like psychopaths do not care, because they lack empathy. That of course is nonsense. The lack of empathy does not automatically mean a complete lack of empathy and absence of the brain. Where a psychopath also lacks remorse, that is not the case with a narcissist. Explained to him or her, a narcissist absolutely can be sincerely sorry for what he has done, and even sincerely cry over it

Carrie Reimer

Ruud, thank you for that detailed explanation, I appreciate you taking the time. I am not offended by you correcting me, that is what Quora is all about isn’t it? Clarifying and answering to the best of our knowledge?
You are right that it does matter to the victim to some degree whether the person who hurt them cares and will feel sorry or not. We all want to believe at some core level everyone cares if they cause someone pain. it is almost beyond comprehension that there are people in the world that just don’t care. I think that is what the victims struggle with the most. there
were times I thought I saw true remorse on my ex’s part, and other times when he just didn’t comprehend why i was hurt and times when I knew he was totally faking, tears and all. The end result is the same, the damage is the same, but deep down I hope at some level he is sorry or regrets his actions.
Thank you so much for your answer.