Tag Archives: narcissists

Proof that Wheaties can be lifted with magnets – Natural News Forensic Food Lab

Ok this has absolutely nothing to do with narcissists or psychopaths;
…………no wait maybe it does!

This is a video proving Wheaties as metal shavings in it. I got the video through one of many sites I get info from, I can’t remember the site’s name right at the moment. It is a “health news” type site.

Anyway, the fellow made a video showing a test proving Wheaties cereal has metal in it. The Wheaties stick to a magnet.

Now some people may not know how a magnet works. If you haven’t worked with metals you have no reason to know this, but the only thing that sticks to a magnet is metal; not plastic, not wood, not copper or aluminum, only steel or tin, that kind of thing, will stick to a magnet. Try it yourself sometime.

Now, how would this possibly have something to do with narcissism or psychopaths?

Well, if you think about it, who could live with themselves knowing their product contained metal shavings? Only someone who is without a conscience and is so selfish he doesn’t care how his actions impact others. Sounds rather narcissistic to me.

Narcissists are not confined to the romance arena they are every where and screw over everyone equally. We tend to focus on the narcissist who breaks hearts because that is what we know but they are just as volatile and dangerous as bosses, politicians, pastors, cops, investment advisors, you name it. They are more than willing to screw over anyone who has something they want or can get them what they want.

If that means polluting the earth, causing wars, or poisoning our food they will do it.

http://labs.naturalnews.com/Video-Proof-that-Wheaties-can-be-Lifted-with-Magnets.html

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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I’ve got them, the good old Christmas blues, it is a bad time for many people; people who have never known a narcissist get the Christmas blues. There is so much hype around Christmas, pressure to be with someone, to belong, to be loved. All the Christmas movies, songs and specials are about miracles happening, lovers reuniting, families patching up differences, Santa bringing the perfect gifts for the children, even the poor people are blessed with a Christmas at the last minute by some millionaire do-gooder or a real Santa, if there is tragedy it is always resolved by the end of the show and everyone has a happy Christmas.
dysfunctional-family-christmas1

But real life isn’t like that for most people, especially people who are living with a narcissist. If you live with a narcissist you nervously try to anticipate what is going to happen this year, what will he pull to ruin the holidays this year? Do you make plans? do you bother buying him a gift? Do you dare tell him how much you spent on presents or lie? Do you decorate the house or will he end up tearing it all down in a fit of rage, do you dare plan a neighbourhood get-together and hope he is in a good mood that day? If you have children, you worry about whether he will show up at their Christmas school concert, will he be in a good mood on Christmas morning, will he even be home on Christmas morning, will he pick on the kids and make them cry? Is it worth all the worrying? You have come to dread Christmas and try to put on a happy face and remember when Christmas was a happy time.

fantasy-reality
For me now, Christmas signifies the end of a year, the new year is about to start, where I was, how far I have come or not come, it makes me very aware of how alone I am, reminds me how much I love my son and I reminisce about Christmas’s of his youth. I get very melancholy this time of year; I have to be aware of that. Through self counsel I have come to realize the facts and not mistake my melancholy for missing JC or any part of the life I had with him. Sometimes people who have come out of a relationship with a narcissist mistake their sadness for missing the N instead of realizing, life, just life changes, the natural progression of life can make a person melancholy and we have to do the best we can to accept it. It is not the N you are missing, you are longing for the fantasy, you want the Christmas movie happy ending but it just doesn’t work that way in real life.

My life is frustrating lately, I started the year off on such a positive note and it quickly slid down a slippery slope to a place of uncertainty. I hate uncertainty. I try to look at life as an adventure and that my life is unfolding according to God’s plan. But when you end up in a place you were sure you were supposed to be and it all falls apart it gets harder to get too excited about more changes, not even changes; uncertainty with no prospects that look too promising, but I will trudge along, and see where I end up.
run

That said, I think a lot of my fear of uncertainty stems from being with JC, life with him was always so uncertain, I never knew day to day if he was going to love me, want me out of the house or if I was going to discover some secret he was keeping from me. Even the good times were uncertain, just because he was loving in the morning there was no guarantee he would love me when he got home from work. If, as he was leaving in the morning he said, “Lets do something special tonight, get dressed up and go for dinner.” I was setting myself up for disappointment if I rushed home after work, showered and dressed in something sexy expecting to be wined and dined because he might not even come home and the likelihood of us actually making it out the door and into a restaurant were slim. It could play out in several ways;

1. I could rush home and be ready to go when he got home and he might not even show up until after work the next day; I could end up sitting waiting for hours, trying to call or text him and him not answer his phone.

2. I could rush home and be ready to go and he might show up at a half decent hour but go out to the shop to start on some “important” project that he says will take “5 minutes”. I could end up sitting and waiting for him for hours, finally getting frustrated, going out to ask if we are going out or not and have him getting angry because I am nagging and putting me off for another “5 minutes”.

3. I could rush home and be ready, NOT say a word, quietly busy myself until he is ready and then have him come in at something like 10 pm to say, “Well, its too late to go now, I’ve been waiting for you for hours.” at that point I can argue it was me waiting for him but what is the point? the night is already ruined why start a fight. It is easier to just go put some sweats on and pretend it doesn’t matter. But that wouldn’t be good enough for him, he would have to pick a fight about something in order to get a reaction.

4. I could not rush home and just carry on with my day, maybe take a nice long walk with Kato and have him call to ask where I am and to tell me that he is just heading home from work and he will meet me at the house. I would get my hopes up and think maybe this time we will actually go out so I rush home only to get there and he’s not there and doesn’t show up until really late or the next day. Sucked in again.

5. The best case scenario would be that we actually get out of the house, then half way there he would hand me his cell phone to get me to phone the restaurant, place our order so we would pick it up and never actually go into the restaurant.

Never, not once, not even when we first started dating did we make plans and actually have them turn out like we planned, he always found a way to either cancel them or diminish the event somehow.

Christmas was no different, it didn’t matter what we planned to do for Christmas it never come to pass. It took me about 5 years to finally stop making plans with him and just did my own thing and went to my family alone. One year we had plans to go to his family in Sechelt and were in the truck ready to leave and he got out and said he would be right back. When I went looking to see what he was doing an hour later he was under the house doing God knows what and said there was no way we could leave until he did whatever he was doing. We never did leave and ended up spending Christmas alone without a turkey or any people around and he spent the whole holiday isolated in his shop.

I think that is what I miss the most, the part of me that looked forward to things like Christmas, I don’t miss JC, I miss the me I was before I met him, or the life I had before I met him. Lots of things have changed, it isn’t just because I was with JC, time changes things, I have no idea where I would be had I never met JC. Some things happened that have nothing to do with JC, Kris grew up and moved away, he is my only child, my grandchild lives with her mother and another man (not my son) so I don’t get the privilege of watching her open her gifts and share in the magic of a small child’s excitement over Santa Claus leaving the exact gifts she asked for, or watching her dumbstruck shock when my dad calls and Ho Ho Hoes into the phone and says he knows she has been a really good girl and to leave him his favorite cookies. Kids make Christmas for me. Entertaining makes Christmas for me, the decorations, the camaraderie, the baking of dozens and dozens of cookies and cabbage rolls and French tourtiere, pate, and antipasto. Christmas has never been about getting gifts, it was always about the home, family, friends, warmth, love, having people over who have no where else to go and eating turkey until you feel you will burst and turkey soup and hot turkey sandwiches for days afterward.

I miss all that. I still decorate, I have my tree up, an artificial one for the first time, but I am dealing with that. I have my collection of nutcrackers displayed and my little Dickens Village that I started collecting again after giving away the huge display I used to have. I have been painting Xmas plates and ornaments but I don’t bake or make cabbage rolls etc any more. For one thing I can’t afford the ingredients, it’s not cheap to bake and for another thing my stove runs on propane and I can’t afford propane so I don’t cook using the stove. I get by using my slow cooker, a griddle, and my microwave, I have even had 8 people for supper and did the whole meal using only those three things and it was delicious. If I really wanted to I am sure I could find a way to cook a turkey but that brings us back to money and I just don’t have the couple hundred $ it would take to make a big Christmas dinner. I used to start baking the first of November, I have pictures of Kris decorating Xmas cookies and behind him the windows have Halloween decorations in them.

The baking thing started before I even moved out on my own, when I was in my teens and I always did up baking and gave it away as gifts. But people are more health conscious than they used to be and if you don’t have kids around, it just doesn’t get eaten. 

Other things have changed also, like my cousin is widowed and now works at WalMart making barely enough to live and God awful hours. her husband was nuts for Christmas and they always had a lot of money. (money may not buy happiness but it sure can add a few smiles and dammit whoever said that has not spent Christmas broke, not having money can make life pretty miserable) One year when I lived in my 3000 sq ft house in Chilliwack, with its family room off the kitchen, formal living room and family room downstairs, we had two Christmas trees, and the house was decorated from top to bottom, including bathrooms. I was having Christmas day at my house, with 8 children and a dozen adults and my cousin and her husband arrived with a clown. Yes a real live clown, they hired him and had him drive an hour out to my house to entertain the kids. It was the greatest idea, the kids were entertained for hours by this clown while the adults sat upstairs drinking and eating appetizers.

I loved having a big house and being able to have the whole family over for dinner, it was a lot of work and yes I did bitch about it sometimes and used to give Kris shit for eating the frozen cookies out of the freezer in the middle of the night. (the little bugger had his bedroom downstairs and the deep freezer was only a few feet from his bedroom door, He would sneak out in the middle of the night and eat the Christmas baking I had worked so hard on. One time I went to get a container of cookies and it was empty!) but now I think about it and smile.

There is a country song that I can relate to, I heard it again the other day and it kinda sums up what I am feeling. I won’t give you all the words but this is the part that really gets to me.

It’s sung by Trace Akins

“Five years later there’s a plumber Workin’ on the water  heater Dog’s barkin’, phone’s ringin’ One kid’s cryin’ and one kid’s  screamin’ And she keeps apologizin’

He says, They don’t bother me I’ve got two babies of my  own One’s thirty-six, one’s twenty-three Huh, it’s hard to believe

But you’re gonna miss this You’re gonna want this back You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast

These are some good times So take a good look around You may not know it now But you’re gonna miss this”


Songwriters GORLEY, ASHLEY / MILLER, LEE  THOMAS
 
If there is one bit of advice I can give to a young parent it would be that, cherish all these special times, because they go by too fast. You can never have your child’s childhood back, they are going to grow up whether you are ready or not. They only have one shot at their childhood and you are the orchestrator of their lives.
 
I want to encourage everyone who is wrestling with how to get through Christmas with the N to look deep inside and ask yourself why you are still there, still walking on eggshells. I know leaving is never “that easy”, but why is it so hard? It shouldn’t be that hard to decide between being miserable through years and more years; years you will never get back with family that might not be here next year, with children who are getting older every year.
 
I regret the 10 years of Christmases I was miserable, always wishing for that miracle, always hoping for something I never got, even if we made it through the day without a fight, even if I went to my family alone and he went to his or stayed home it was never what I wanted, it was never relaxed and loving. There was no exchanging of gifts we picked out for each other, there was no hot toddy by the fire snuggled in each others arms, there was no waking up Christmas morning and not having children to get up for making love and going back to sleep and then getting up and cooking a big breakfast together and maybe going for a walk in the snow. No romance, no joy, no love.

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I may not have any of those things now, who knows if I would have them at this time in my life had I not met JC, but I don’t have the heart ache and disappointment either.
 
Sure I am melancholy, I think there are many people who are, times are tough, money is tighter for most people than it has in years. But I managed to ship a box of gifts to my granddaughter today and I have a few gifts I will be sending to my son in a couple of days, I have my family in my life again, I have a son who loves me very much and isn’t afraid to tell me often and my son has wonderful childhood memories of Christmases past as do I. 
 
The one thing I am missing this year that I had during those 10 years with JC is my little buddy. I miss Kato more than I could ever miss JC; he was my one constant source of comfort, he got me through those times, always loving and always patient. I miss him like hell. JC can just go to hell.
 
What I want for Christmas is another dog and that comes down to money again, but that is another post.
 
Wishing you all a Christmas season of memories to cherish, and if not that I wish you a Christmas of no regrets.

nabuse

Trauma Bonding-When it isn’t Love

Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Melanie Tonia Evans

When you connected with your narcissist, did you feel like finally you had met true love? Was the connection so intense and powerful that you believed your love was truly meant to be for ever, regardless of the pain your experienced?

I hear the same story time and time again, in fact nearly everyone who has joined the NARC Facebook page agrees that the relationship to the narcissist initially felt like the greatest love of their life.

This article explains how this incredible connection occurs and why the bond of love feels so compelling…

When we first became attached to the narcissist, we had the deep and powerful inner belief that this relationship was ‘the one’ – it felt so real and so true to us. It felt astoundingly ‘right’. We thought we had hit the jackpot.

Over time the cracks started appearing, yet we still experienced the glorious times (even if they became less and less) of this ‘delightful person’ who we wanted to believe was the partner of our dreams.

Of course we had to employ all sorts of psychological defences to protect this belief.

We were all conditioned to believe that powerful and all consuming feelings, and the ‘not being able to stop thinking about someone’ and ‘feeling an intense attachment’ must mean love.

We were taught very little about real love – as a safe, supportive, calm, regenerating and trustworthy entity. And we didn’t realise that true and real love necessitates a deep knowing that you are the other half of a safe, supportive and genuine ‘team’.

Narcissistic relationships, in all reality, do not and cannot fit into a healthy description of ‘love’.

Maybe we never knew what ‘safe’, ‘respectful’ ‘reliable’ love was.

Maybe it seemed unrealistic, too hard to achieve, or maybe even boring….

Maybe we have only ever know feelings of fear, deprivation, unease, persecution, anxiety and then the glorious highs that DO come when agony is temporarily relieved with the feelings of ‘Thank God he does get it’, ‘He really does love me” and ‘Now the pain will stop’.

But of course these feelings of euphoric relief and release never lasted. They were simply the reprieve between the hills of the terrorising roller coaster.

Maybe we never realised that when we really ‘fell in love’ with the narcissist, something much more sinister was engendering our powerful feelings of love and attachment.

It seems ludicrous and insane to believe that someone treating you poorly could make you want them, love them, and attach you so powerfully….

…but it is OH so true…

Let’s find out WHY…

 

Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.

Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.

Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.

The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.

The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.

Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.

This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.

Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.

No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.

 

Trauma Bonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’

In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’

In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’

In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.

These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’

In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.

These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.

 

Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder

I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.

Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.

The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.

However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.

The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.

When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.

If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.

If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.

If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.

Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.

 

Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction

With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.

Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.

This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.

What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.

We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing  regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.

The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.

And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.

 

Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression

In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.

What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist? The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.

By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.

Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.

In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.

Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.

The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.

Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.

What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?

The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:

I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.

When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.

In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/?utm_source=New+Life&utm_campaign=6debd70a56-NL2012Apr23_WhyDidNarcissistSeemLikeToveOfOurLife&utm_medium=email#sthash.ioFz0jYI.dpuf

October is the month to wear your purple ribbon and speak out about domestic violence, Imagenot that you should stay quiet the other 11 months of the year!

The fact that we have a Domestic Violence Awareness Month at all is a step in the right direction, but more needs to be done by all of us. I have posted stats here before about how one in four women will be abused, and 70% of domestic homicides happen just before or just after the couple split.

Silence is the greatest weapon of the abuser, it is what enables him to continue leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Many victims are so relieved to be away from him and are so afraid of retaliation from him if she tells anyone about the abuse the victim often keeps quiet about the abuse and suffers in silence. Often times the victim feels it was their own fault for the abuse, they “asked” for it, they “allowed” it, and according to some people in society they even “enjoyed” it.

I would never expect a victim to speak out about her abuse if it put her or her children and family in danger, not everyone can speak out. Some people are just not able to speak in public, do not have a talent for the written word, are too shy or lack the confidence but we all owe it to future victims to do something, to keep quiet; just happy its not you any more; is not acceptable in my mind.

There is always something a person can do, write to your politicians, work for a suicide hot line or for a woman’s shelter, even just to tell the people you come across day-to-day when they repeat false stereotypes about abuse victims, even commenting on blogs like this to share your experiences and support others who are going through what you did. Talk to teenage girls, and if you see someone you suspect is being abused reach out to them. Tell people to read my blog or any other blog on the subject.

I had an email from a woman who was due to get married in 7 weeks, her girlfriend flew to the city she was in and said you have to read this woman’s blog. the woman read my blog and realized she was about to marry an abusive man. She cancelled the wedding, packed her bags and left. She had to get the police involved because he stalked her for four months.She was writing to let me know that her girlfriend showing her my blog saved her from making what could have been a fatal mistake. A perfect example of someone not worrying about offending someone, not afraid to stick her nose into someone else’s business and breaking the silence. So much better than after the woman has suffered years of abuse or God for bid is murdered say, “I always knew there was something wrong with him.”

I have been questioned by my family why I would have this blog, why wouldn’t I just move on, why keep reminding myself of the pain? Because I feel very strongly about using my experiences and my ability to put my thoughts into type, to stopping it somehow through awareness.

Often times the abuser presents a calm, rational friendly persona while the victim is emotional, fearful, and confused making the abuser’s claims that the victim is irrational and abusive to him more believable. If someone would have asked me 15 years ago if I would ever be in an abusive relationship I would have laughed at them. But no one knows what it is like and why the victim is a basket case unless you have been there. The total frustration caused by the false accusations, the lies, the bizarre actions of the abuser is enough to drive the most sane person to the point of a nervous breakdown.  The physical abuse is not what comes to mind when I think of JC it is the emotional abuse that was so horrible the thought of those 10 years brings tears to my eyes and I am fighting them now.

I have brought the wrath of JC onto myself by having this blog? or maybe it would have happened even if I didn’t have the blog? I guess I will never know. Would he have come back 2 1/2 years after we split and try to ruin my life if I didn’t have my blog, would he have heard I was doing well without him and wanted to knock me down again just to show me he could? I do believe my blog to some degree keeps me safe; if anything happened to me he would be the first suspect. I know that my silence did not guarantee he wouldn’t slander me because the minute he discarded me he started his smear campaign, he had to slander my name because he had to do damage control so his cover wasn’t blown. He had to make sure his new woman thought I was a psycho and dangerous, so she wouldn’t talk to me or believe me if she did talk to me. To me his lies seem so obvious; I wonder how could she have not seen all the red flags, why on earth did she “lend” him thousands of dollars only months into the relationship? But then I think, I didn’t see the signs. Oh sure there were little things that didn’t sit right but none of them in themselves were enough of a red flag to run. Hindsight is 20/20, ten years of living with an abusive man gives you insight you normally would never gain. When I met JC, it was just like “they” say it is when you meet your soul mate. “When you least expect it, when you aren’t looking for it he will just walk into your life and you’ll know.” I had never had that happen to me, I had several marriages under my belt but never felt that immediate connection with a man like I did with JC. I had always been a very independent woman, and had been criticized for it, I had been told more than once that I was to independent and that men didn’t feel I needed them. I was a working single mom who bought her own houses thank you very much, I was the girl friend who told her friends they didn’t have to take any bullshit from a man. I was the woman who meant it when she said, “It’s over.” I would cry, miss the guy, but never did I lose my joy for life or my excitement about the future. I was always curious about what the future held and who I might meet next. I wasn’t afraid to get involved with a man because I knew i was perfectly capable of making it on my own. I would never be dependent on any man. I was 41 years old, not a kid, with job skills, I was attractive, if I had never been in an abusive relationship in my life I certainly didn’t fear it would happen now!! I can’t even say that the 10 years with JC would have been my worst nightmare because I couldn’t have ever imagined living like that, it was totally out of any frame of reference I had. I couldn’t believe I was in it when I was cowering in a corner screaming for help as he came at me with his fist raised.

There is a fallacy that women who end up in abusive relationships are weak, insecure, uneducated, not too bright, co-dependent, from lower class society, and lacking in self-respect, desperate for a man, any man. I know that is what I thought. I also thought they must like it or why wouldn’t they “just leave”.

ImageSo many times the woman in an abusive relationship tells no one because she is ashamed she is allowing it to happen, then if she does tell someone they are skeptical. Our law enforcement and courts do not recognize abuse or how manipulative abusers can be. I experienced the police arriving because I called for help, JC waiting for them at the gate to the community where we lived and by the time they got to my house the police were telling me not to start anything.

I took off in JC’s truck and went to the welfare office seeking help to get away and the woman behind the counter told me that there was a 6 weeks waiting period for assistance and there was nothing she could do. I went home. It was a year later when I found a number for a domestic violence hot line and got up the courage to call, only to be told that due to government cut backs there were no beds available in any of the shelters from Mission to Vancouver, they didn’t have anyone available to come and talk to me but if i wanted to drive into town someone would meet me for coffee. They failed to understand I was basically being held captive in a gravel pit, with no sewer, kitchen, or bathroom living in a mouse infested scale house; with no money or vehicle.

I was funded by the government to attend college taking Business Management Courses as long as my attendance remained above 70%. When I left the school with JC one day in tears and never returned the school phoned the police. A female officer came up to the gravel pit and knocked on the door of the tiny trailer we were living in at the time. I didn’t know where JC was, he was in the pit somewhere, the cop asked me if I needed help and I nodded my head yes. I thought she would take me right then but she turned and said someone would contact me. I watched her drive away. It was a about a week later a cop car pulled into the pit, JC was working on a vehicle and I was standing by the scale house, the cop asked if I was Carrie Reimer and handed me a brown manila envelope and left. JC of course wanted to know what that was all about; of course he found the envelope later and was furious it was full of information pamphlets on domestic violence. There was a restraining order against JC at the time from when he had ambushed my son and I when we came home one night.

ImageAs with most abusive relationships there were periods of abuse followed by a honeymoon period and the longer the victim is in the relationship the more power the abuser gains over the victim. Instead, like many people believe; eventually she will get sick of it and leave, she grows weaker and less able to leave. The abuser works daily at whittling away her self-confidence and isolates her, she loses more of her support system and every time she reaches out for help and doesn’t get it she loses hope. I remember JC sneering and spitting out, “Who are you going to call?……Your mother???” and laughing as he walked away.

In my mind the family of the victim, society, the laws all work in favor of the abuser and against the victim, re-victimizing her and forcing her into silence; and THAT  has to change.

Even the abuse victims don’t believe the abuser would really kill them, they must be paranoid, that kind of thing doesn’t happen in their world.

I realized yesterday how damaged I am still, without knowing it. My brother has his own construction company and needs my help doing errands, answering phones etc, extra cash for me and help for him ( I am thrilled! another prayer answered). Anyway my son is coming this weekend for a two-day visit and I am broke so I asked my brother to lend me money for groceries and he deposited money into my account for future wages. He text messaged me to make sure I kept track of how much money he gives me, the hours I work and what I was doing because we could forget.  I was surprised when my stomach tightened and I got this fearful feeling, I replied that he need not worry because while I was with JC I had to keep exact records of every dime he gave me and where I spent it because he would invoice me for bizarre amounts of money and badger me for payment. I can’t count how many times I paid him money I didn’t feel I owed him just to shut him up. He would badger me for days on end, from the minute I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night. What ever money I gave him was not counted towards repayment, even when I paid him in full for an amount he had come up with (before I started keeping track) I asked him; “Now am I paid up? Do I owe you any more money?” He had said yes I was paid up in full and then 2 weeks later he was harping on me about owing him money again. Just typing it now made my stomach sick. I had bad dreams about him last night, 3 years later memories of him can still do that to me.

It’s ok because now it passes quickly, realize it is a part of my past, and I am not under his control any more and I don’t relapse.

So have faith, healing does come but lets all reach out and do what we can to stop enabling these evil monsters to destroy any more lives.

Hugs to everyone. Image