Tag Archives: new woman

The #1 Lie The Narcissist Wants The Victim To Believe

no bullshit

Not My Bull

Not My Bullshit

There is a common misconception that drove me and many other victims of a narcissist crazy. The casual observer is guilty of making the same  erroneous assumption; which is…….. if the next woman stays longer than you did, they must be happy and getting along, she must know some secret to remaining happy while with the narcissist. The narcissist loves to rub the previous victim’s nose in it too, loving to point out how this woman is still with him. So YOU must be flawed in some way.

First of all, longevity says nothing about how happy the woman is or how harmonious their relationship is. I have had people say to me, “Well, he’s still with the next woman.” So? and your point is? It is making a statement without making a statement, or it sure feels like it to the victim. For one thing, you are supposed to have cut all mutual friends out of your life so you wouldn’t hear shit exactly like this. Who needs it??

Secondly, how happy were you while you were with him? Sure, you stayed, but were you happy? No, he treated you like shit! behind closed doors he treated you like dirt under his feet, but you looked happy out in public too, didn’t you? because in public he treated you good; especially when you first started dating. You can bet there was an ex sitting somewhere watching you and him and thinking, “They look so happy. It must have been me.”

My ex worked at keeping our relationship somewhat intact until we passed the magic 10 year mark because that is how long his last long term relationship lasted and his ex had said it would never last. He knew it would really bother her for us to last longer than they did. The victim always feels, “He will never find some woman to love him the way I do, who will put up with what I do.” The thing is though, he has told her a bunch of lies and now he blames his bad behavior on the abuse he suffered with the last woman, ALL the women he has ever been with……..except you of course.

Wanna know a secret? I never allowed myself to believe that shit, sure, there were times my mind went down that path and I hauled it’s ass right off of that train of thought the minute it took the self depreciating detour to “what’s she got that I don’t have land?”

The only thing you know for sure is how he treated you, everything else is hearsay and speculation. You need to only concern yourself with things you have first hand knowledge of and have any control over.  Everyone has their own history, personal experience, personality, weaknesses, strengths, and hangups. Everyone handles things in their own way, what worked for you won’t necessarily work for someone else and everyone has their own emotional limit; their last straw, for whatever reason,is not the same as your last straw. For reasons only she knows, she is hanging in longer than you did or he has found more resources to drain her of. OR he knows it is driving you crazy and is working double time to hide his true self from the new woman so she won’t dump his ass.

Leopard’s don’t change their spots, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. No one treats one person as badly as the N treated you and does a complete 180 with the next person he meets, because a nice, caring person would never treat anyone the way the N treated you, no matter what kind of nasty bitch you were.

If some other woman is sticking it out with him maybe she is more gullible than you were, not as smart, in deeper, thinks she has too much to lose, or too far gone down the toxic rabbit hole to see the light of day. It does not mean he has changed or there was/is anything wrong with you.

My ex has been with the “new” woman almost 8 years and with every year that they are together I feel a bit better; Thank God I am not the only woman who got sucked in, I was not the stupidest!! I would have felt worse if she would have picked up on what he is a lot sooner than I did, THEN I would feel there must be something wrong with me.

No matter what; there is no way we can know for sure what is going on behind their closed doors, and it does no good whatsoever to dwell on something we have no control over and does not affect us in any way. It only affects us when we let it. We DO have control over what we choose to think about and obsess about.

Practice saying, “Not my , not my monkey.”

OR Not my bull, not my bullshit.

I am a dog owner and I gladly pick up my dog’s shit every single day, it’s part of the job being a dog owner. Well, being involved with a narcissist requires pickup their bullshit, but you don’t have to, you choose to. We all have choices. Believe me, a dog will never treat you as badly as the narcissist, if you love picking up shit, get a dog. It will be a lot more loving and loyal.

 

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When Will The Narcissist Finally Stop Trying To Hurt Me?

I received this comment the other day on the blog:

“When my ex N could no longer get away with lies n hidden behaviors easily because I saw behind his wall… Porn addiction, gambling, alcohol, voyeurism, maxed out credit cards, and debt close to $25,000… The mask came off and I saw evil beyond my wildest imagination. He hated that I wouldn’t marry him. I wanted to b together but wouldn’t marry him bc of all the red flags. The things he said n did to me would make the devil cringe. I never knew how evil a person could be.
He walked out leaving me under the impression he would work on his anger n addictions (while I worked on my issues) n be back. Four months later he moved in w a woman 15 yrs younger then me who had 4 kids and specific sized body parts I lacked. Four months later he retired n married her. He proceeded to take her on trips to the same places we went, out to dinner to our favorite places, etc.
How do you handle when he appears to b doing all the things he knows will b excruciatingly painful to me… All those special things that I thought were real to us, doing them now w the next woman, his wife.
I’m fairly sure he won’t b back. I know too much.
How long will he continue to try to hurt me and make me pay for finding out who he really is and going NC?”

First of all, in answer to your question of when will he stop trying to hurt you? It’s been 5 years + and my ex is still trying to hurt me, the only thing is; I don’t give a shit any more so it isn’t working.

I think in most cases that is the way it goes, the narcissist will stop trying to hurt you when he no longer gets his jollies from it. When it no longer hurts you it will no longer be rewarding for him. Narcissists are motivated by other people’s pain, they get off on it, it makes them feel powerful to be able to cause pain in someone’s life, especially when they have figured out what they are.

98% of narcs almost immediately fall madly in love within  very short time or have the next victim hooked before they even leave the relationship, they invariably give the new woman everything the last woman wanted. Why?

  • to make the ex victim feel that it was their fault and wonder why he is so good to the new woman and giving her everything and more than what she wanted.
  • To make friends and family think it was your fault and not his, after all; look how happy he is with the new woman, what he says about you being a psycho bitch must be true.
  • His new relationship is still in the idolization stage, just like when you first met him, he is winning her over right now; don’t worry, when he no longer gets a reaction from you he will have to get it from someone and it will be her turn to ride the emotional roller coaster. I would bet it has already started whether she realizes it or not.

Can I ask how you know he got married and is doing all the things he is doing? Because if you have “friends” telling you these things, they are not being friends and you need to tell them to stop telling you about his life and new relationship. If they don’t stop, then you have to cut them from your life because they are not being true friends. If they are your friends why are they even talking to him? He will use any means possible to get information to you that will hurt you. If you are checking his FaceBook, then you need to block him on FaceBook and stop looking at any of his social media; he is making sure you hear only good things about him and his new woman and you are only hurting yourself by looking.

I finally had to ask myself why I was setting myself up to be hurt. I knew that if I went on his FB I would see something that hurt me and I knew if I talked to certain friends they would tell me something that hurt me; so why was I doing it? and I stopped. I cut people from my life who didn’t respect my wishes to not hear about him, there are a ton of things people can talk about without talking about him and how happy he is.

I would not discount him trying to come back to you at some point down the road, it won’t be out of love or remorse, it will be to see if he still can, even knowing you know what he is, that would be even more fun, if he could suck you back in. But one thing for sure, he wants you to be miserable and that means that if he thinks you are happy and moving on e he will try to bring you back down. He does not want you to ever be happy, once you have been owned by a narcissist they expect you to be their life long punching bag and to never have anything good in your life. He wants to know that he depleted you of ALL your resources, financial, emotional and mental, support network, job, house……….you name it, he wants it all.

You are best to put as much space between you as possible and make new friends, move, whatever you can to keep him from knowing what is going on in your life.

Believe me, I prolonged my agony for over a year and I regret it; if I were to do it over again, I would have cut all ties and gotten as far away as possible. There is this sick satisfaction we get from knowing he is trying to hurt us, like it signifies that he still cares if he is still trying to hurt us. We have to get it through our heads that it is not love, it is not caring, we are not in competition with the new woman, he is one sick MOFO and we need to protect ourselves any way we can.

 

But If He Hasn’t Changed Why Is He Still With Her?

I hear that question all the time. If he hasn’t changed why do they look so happy? why is he still with her?

There are many reason why he might last longer with one woman than another and I think when a person asks that question it is their ego speaking more than “love”, it is what does she have that I don’t? Why wasn’t I good enough? Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with being “good enough” or that she is “better” . You can be sure it has nothing to do with him loving her more.

There are many reasons it may seem he is happier with her than he was with you but you have to face one truth if you are to go on. It is over between you and him; for whatever reason. Who he is with now has nothing to do with you, what you have to remember is; he treated you like crap and if what he is saying is true, that it was all your fault and he was miserable with you; why did he stay with you as long as he did? What guy stays with a woman who made his life hell all those years, telling her he loves her and promising to change, being nice one minute and miserable to her the next? What man stays with a woman and purposely tries to ruin her life; to punish her for not being the woman he wanted her to be? Most men just leave a woman who they don’t love, they don’t stick around, take her money, watch porn to torture her, have affairs and tell her she is paranoid and imagining things. It doesn’t make sense.  Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you, never living up to impossible expectations?

I know in my life I have met someone and thought there might be something there but with time realized it was not going to work out, I didn’t stay in the relationship for another 10 years, bitch and complain about him, demand things he couldn’t produce, then finally find someone better and blame it all on the poor guy and do everything I could to ruin him, financially, emotionally plus ruin his reputation. Who does that?

His relationship with the new woman isn’t over yet, let things play out. You don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. Like wospos said to me about his ex Karen who hated me because we were so happy for 10 years.  He sure didn’t seem happy to me, but of course he wouldn’t let her know that and when we were out in public we did look happy. It was behind closed doors that he treated me like crap, when we were out he usually treated me great and we looked like the perfect couple. If he did say anything nasty to me it was always under his breath or very subtly. What are you expecting? that he is going to slap her around in front of you, call you and tell you how unhappy he is? that she is going to admit things aren’t great? Why weren’t you telling everyone how horribly he treated you? Why did you stay all that time with someone who treated you like crap? why do you want him back?

You aren’t being realistic, what makes her different from you? she is under the same spell you were, he is telling her the same lies he told you. Some one mentioned that my ex is still with the woman who came after me, so? He and I were together 10 years they have another 7 to go at least. I wasn’t happy the last 9 years of the 10, yes we had honeymoon period, times when we split and he begged me back, times when he threatened to leave and then didn’t, times when I kicked him out and he didn’t leave. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors and I sure the hell know he isn’t going to let me know either and neither is she because she is being loyal to him just like I was plus she is in denial just like I was. Who knows she might even last longer than me, she has a totally different background than me. She has never been self-sufficient, she was a housewife and widowed and she sold her house and bet everything on the wospos, she might feel she has no way out. He has managed to move her away from her support system and she hasn’t dated probably more than a couple of guys if that. From what I can tell she is naive, sheltered and she is not terribly pretty, I would bet the bit of money I have that she is not terribly confident and he has whittled away at what confidence she did have. I feel sorry for her, she met him at 50, 10 years down the road she will be 60, never worked a day in her life, his name on every dime she ever had (what he hasn’t spent) and miserably unhappy. He is going to hang around because she still has money left and her parents are old and when they die she is in line for more money. Why would he leave?

The thing is, no matter what I know that he lied about everything in his past he abused other women and me, he led me on and lied to me and after letting me love him for 10 years he turned around and said I was a psycho bitch that made his life hell the whole time. Yes I am hurt (or was hurt) by that but I sure the hell don’t want him back, and I don’t really care what he says his new relationship is like I know that I did not make him happy and no matter what I did changed anything so if she can live with him and she has enough money to keep him in line so be it. I am even helping her, because with me and my blog telling the truth he has to be really careful and be on his best behavior.

If you are sitting there torturing yourself thinking about how happy he is with the new woman I have to ask you; why are you doing this to yourself?  You don’t KNOW what their relationship is like so why imagine it being perfect? why aren’t you imagining it the way it was with you. One woman who is plagued with thoughts of how happy he is in his new relationship has the benefit of talking to a couple of his ex’s and they all have the same story of their experience with him yet she choses to focus on how happy he is. Why does she not believe the two exs who agree with her? why is she torturing herself? I don’t know.  That is something she has to figure out, because we all have control over our thoughts, every single one of us.