Tag Archives: new woman

His New Relationship Has Lasted-He Must Have Changed

A narcissist can be extremely dedicated to proving his last victim must have been the one at fault. If the relationship lasted 10 yrs he will make sure the next relationship lasts 10 years and one month.

Does this sound familiar? For how ever long you were together was there things you wanted to do, places you wanted to see, interests you had; that he simply would not do? And now with the new woman he is doing them all!! They are taking that trip you always wanted to take, he has started cooking when he couldn’t even boil water while with you. He never took your feelings into consideration but now he is mister empathy with her.

I recall one conversation we had after we had split and I wanted him to help me with something. He had NEVER worried about hurting My feelings with ex’s but all of a sudden he’s telling me that he doesn’t really think it would be right for him to spend time with me. He looked me in the eye with a concerned look on his face, “Imagine how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. You wouldn’t be happy.”

WTF!!?? Imagine how she feels?!!

There are things he has changed. I don’t know if he’s ever hit her but I kinda saved her from the physical abuse because she knows I accused him of physical abuse, he couldn’t be physical without her knowing it had happened before and is a pattern. There were alot of things he had to change just to prove I was a liar.

I know it hasn’t been a bed of roses and they’ve had problems, they never did get married and she doesn’t even wear her ring any more. But! It doesn’t matter.

Something I finally came to realize that helped me alot to move on was this:

How he treats her has nothing to do with me. I was miserably unhappy with him, he treated me like shit and it never got better, only worse. I was afraid he’d end up killing me and I was a shell of the person I used to be. I had compromised my values and standards to the point I didn’t even respect myself and nothing I had ever done had made it any better. I couldn’t change any more than I had and when I looked back at the way I had handled situations I couldn’t honestly say I would do anything different except I would have left sooner.

I had been angry he had personal ads, if that happened now I would just leave the relationship, not try to fix it. If a man didn’t show up for Christmas dinner with family without so much as a phone call, I wouldn’t listen to a bunch of excuses; I’d just say goodbye.

So if the new woman is able to tolerate him longer,if her standards are lower than mine, or if she has more money and can give him more things materially so he sticks around longer; that’s their relationship and good luck to her. I was not able to do that.

The secret to a happy relationship is not molding yourself into being what the other person wants it’s being with someone who values and cherishes you for who you are. Someone who isn’t constantly comparing you to someone else, finding fault, twisting your words, misunderstanding you, and thinks you are too anything.

And if he thinks you are too sensitive, then he should be with you if he can’t adjust his way of treating you. If you know something bothers the person you love, you stop doing it and if you can’t stop doing it, then obviously it is more important to you than the person and you need to walk away. Everyone has their own boundaries and deal breakers. One woman might not mind her man going to strippers, but a different woman might get enraged, it doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong, but the man has to choose if strippers are more important than the woman, not lie about it.

So stop obsessing about the new woman and his new relationship. Reframe how you view it. Don’t think in terms of you weren’t/aren’t good enough, instead, is he good enough for you? was/is he capable of making you happy? Not his potential to make you happy if only he would………… (fill in the blank, but the truth.

In 2020, try to see the world around you honestly, with 20/20 vision and not through rose tinted glasses.

The #1 Lie The Narcissist Wants The Victim To Believe

no bullshit

Not My Bull

Not My Bullshit

There is a common misconception that drove me and many other victims of a narcissist crazy. The casual observer is guilty of making the same  erroneous assumption; which is…….. if the next woman stays longer than you did, they must be happy and getting along, she must know some secret to remaining happy while with the narcissist. The narcissist loves to rub the previous victim’s nose in it too, loving to point out how this woman is still with him. So YOU must be flawed in some way.

First of all, longevity says nothing about how happy the woman is or how harmonious their relationship is. I have had people say to me, “Well, he’s still with the next woman.” So? and your point is? It is making a statement without making a statement, or it sure feels like it to the victim. For one thing, you are supposed to have cut all mutual friends out of your life so you wouldn’t hear shit exactly like this. Who needs it??

Secondly, how happy were you while you were with him? Sure, you stayed, but were you happy? No, he treated you like shit! behind closed doors he treated you like dirt under his feet, but you looked happy out in public too, didn’t you? because in public he treated you good; especially when you first started dating. You can bet there was an ex sitting somewhere watching you and him and thinking, “They look so happy. It must have been me.”

My ex worked at keeping our relationship somewhat intact until we passed the magic 10 year mark because that is how long his last long term relationship lasted and his ex had said it would never last. He knew it would really bother her for us to last longer than they did. The victim always feels, “He will never find some woman to love him the way I do, who will put up with what I do.” The thing is though, he has told her a bunch of lies and now he blames his bad behavior on the abuse he suffered with the last woman, ALL the women he has ever been with……..except you of course.

Wanna know a secret? I never allowed myself to believe that shit, sure, there were times my mind went down that path and I hauled it’s ass right off of that train of thought the minute it took the self depreciating detour to “what’s she got that I don’t have land?”

The only thing you know for sure is how he treated you, everything else is hearsay and speculation. You need to only concern yourself with things you have first hand knowledge of and have any control over.  Everyone has their own history, personal experience, personality, weaknesses, strengths, and hangups. Everyone handles things in their own way, what worked for you won’t necessarily work for someone else and everyone has their own emotional limit; their last straw, for whatever reason,is not the same as your last straw. For reasons only she knows, she is hanging in longer than you did or he has found more resources to drain her of. OR he knows it is driving you crazy and is working double time to hide his true self from the new woman so she won’t dump his ass.

Leopard’s don’t change their spots, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. No one treats one person as badly as the N treated you and does a complete 180 with the next person he meets, because a nice, caring person would never treat anyone the way the N treated you, no matter what kind of nasty bitch you were.

If some other woman is sticking it out with him maybe she is more gullible than you were, not as smart, in deeper, thinks she has too much to lose, or too far gone down the toxic rabbit hole to see the light of day. It does not mean he has changed or there was/is anything wrong with you.

My ex has been with the “new” woman almost 8 years and with every year that they are together I feel a bit better; Thank God I am not the only woman who got sucked in, I was not the stupidest!! I would have felt worse if she would have picked up on what he is a lot sooner than I did, THEN I would feel there must be something wrong with me.

No matter what; there is no way we can know for sure what is going on behind their closed doors, and it does no good whatsoever to dwell on something we have no control over and does not affect us in any way. It only affects us when we let it. We DO have control over what we choose to think about and obsess about.

Practice saying, “Not my , not my monkey.”

OR Not my bull, not my bullshit.

I am a dog owner and I gladly pick up my dog’s shit every single day, it’s part of the job being a dog owner. Well, being involved with a narcissist requires pickup their bullshit, but you don’t have to, you choose to. We all have choices. Believe me, a dog will never treat you as badly as the narcissist, if you love picking up shit, get a dog. It will be a lot more loving and loyal.

 

When Will The Narcissist Finally Stop Trying To Hurt Me?

I received this comment the other day on the blog:

“When my ex N could no longer get away with lies n hidden behaviors easily because I saw behind his wall… Porn addiction, gambling, alcohol, voyeurism, maxed out credit cards, and debt close to $25,000… The mask came off and I saw evil beyond my wildest imagination. He hated that I wouldn’t marry him. I wanted to b together but wouldn’t marry him bc of all the red flags. The things he said n did to me would make the devil cringe. I never knew how evil a person could be.
He walked out leaving me under the impression he would work on his anger n addictions (while I worked on my issues) n be back. Four months later he moved in w a woman 15 yrs younger then me who had 4 kids and specific sized body parts I lacked. Four months later he retired n married her. He proceeded to take her on trips to the same places we went, out to dinner to our favorite places, etc.
How do you handle when he appears to b doing all the things he knows will b excruciatingly painful to me… All those special things that I thought were real to us, doing them now w the next woman, his wife.
I’m fairly sure he won’t b back. I know too much.
How long will he continue to try to hurt me and make me pay for finding out who he really is and going NC?”

First of all, in answer to your question of when will he stop trying to hurt you? It’s been 5 years + and my ex is still trying to hurt me, the only thing is; I don’t give a shit any more so it isn’t working.

I think in most cases that is the way it goes, the narcissist will stop trying to hurt you when he no longer gets his jollies from it. When it no longer hurts you it will no longer be rewarding for him. Narcissists are motivated by other people’s pain, they get off on it, it makes them feel powerful to be able to cause pain in someone’s life, especially when they have figured out what they are.

98% of narcs almost immediately fall madly in love within  very short time or have the next victim hooked before they even leave the relationship, they invariably give the new woman everything the last woman wanted. Why?

  • to make the ex victim feel that it was their fault and wonder why he is so good to the new woman and giving her everything and more than what she wanted.
  • To make friends and family think it was your fault and not his, after all; look how happy he is with the new woman, what he says about you being a psycho bitch must be true.
  • His new relationship is still in the idolization stage, just like when you first met him, he is winning her over right now; don’t worry, when he no longer gets a reaction from you he will have to get it from someone and it will be her turn to ride the emotional roller coaster. I would bet it has already started whether she realizes it or not.

Can I ask how you know he got married and is doing all the things he is doing? Because if you have “friends” telling you these things, they are not being friends and you need to tell them to stop telling you about his life and new relationship. If they don’t stop, then you have to cut them from your life because they are not being true friends. If they are your friends why are they even talking to him? He will use any means possible to get information to you that will hurt you. If you are checking his FaceBook, then you need to block him on FaceBook and stop looking at any of his social media; he is making sure you hear only good things about him and his new woman and you are only hurting yourself by looking.

I finally had to ask myself why I was setting myself up to be hurt. I knew that if I went on his FB I would see something that hurt me and I knew if I talked to certain friends they would tell me something that hurt me; so why was I doing it? and I stopped. I cut people from my life who didn’t respect my wishes to not hear about him, there are a ton of things people can talk about without talking about him and how happy he is.

I would not discount him trying to come back to you at some point down the road, it won’t be out of love or remorse, it will be to see if he still can, even knowing you know what he is, that would be even more fun, if he could suck you back in. But one thing for sure, he wants you to be miserable and that means that if he thinks you are happy and moving on e he will try to bring you back down. He does not want you to ever be happy, once you have been owned by a narcissist they expect you to be their life long punching bag and to never have anything good in your life. He wants to know that he depleted you of ALL your resources, financial, emotional and mental, support network, job, house……….you name it, he wants it all.

You are best to put as much space between you as possible and make new friends, move, whatever you can to keep him from knowing what is going on in your life.

Believe me, I prolonged my agony for over a year and I regret it; if I were to do it over again, I would have cut all ties and gotten as far away as possible. There is this sick satisfaction we get from knowing he is trying to hurt us, like it signifies that he still cares if he is still trying to hurt us. We have to get it through our heads that it is not love, it is not caring, we are not in competition with the new woman, he is one sick MOFO and we need to protect ourselves any way we can.