Tag Archives: No Contact

The Tools Of A Narcissist

Imagine if you will; you’ve been on your own for almost a year, or maybe it’s even been a couple of years; however long it’s been since you left the narcissist who feasted on your heart and you are finally whole.

You’ve done alot of hard work putting the pieces of your life together, you have found a new you under all the pain and confusion. You are feeling stronger and you’ve set new healthy boundaries, no man is ever going to have that control over you again.

You’ve been dating, nothing too serious and you doubt you will ever meet another man who will stir up the passion you had with the narcissist. But that’s ok because it was that passion that brought you to your knees and made you sacrifice everything.

Life is ok and you are ok with just ok. No passion, but no emotional roller coaster either.

Then, the phone rings. You check call display, it’s become a habit, he hasn’t called in months, a year? You used to count the hours, days, since you last talked to him but it’s been so long you’ve lost count. Your heart stops, it’s him. You stare at the phone, your mind races; you wonder why he’s calling now, what could he possibly say now, remember; “curiosity killed the cat”.

Oh but damn, it’s so hard to put that phone down and walk away. You’re stronger now, you just want to see what he has to say, you think this is your chance to tell him what you really think of him, you’re on to his games, he won’t be able to suck you back into his web of bullshit this time. You know what you are dealing with this time. And……you answer.

Hello?

Him in his soft, I couldn’t hurt a fly, soaked in honey voice,”Baby, I was afraid you wouldn’t answer. I don’t know if I should call or not, I just wanted to hear your voice. I need to know if you are ok.”

You, “You shouldn’t have called.”

Him, “Sorry. But it is really good to hear your voice.” he laughs nervously. “Are you doing ok?”

You’re forcing yourself to not smile. (He said it was good to hear your voice!! Heart get out of my throat) “I am doing good, no thanks to you! You really hurt me, left me with nothing but your shit and bills to clean up.”

Him in an even softer voice, “I know, and I am SO sorry. I will pay you back, that’s partly why I am calling. I’m finally making some decent money and you’re the first person I felt guilty about, I HAVE to try to make things right. I can’t live with myself knowing I hurt you……..I know I didn’t tell you enough, but you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

You are thrown off guard. He just admitted he did you wrong, he just basically apologized, he never admitted fault before! What’s going on?

He continues, “Look, I know you have every reason to not believe me and I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to disrupt your life, I know I screwed it up and I have to live with my mistakes and the fact that it’s my fault I lost the only woman who ever really loved me and understood me, my soul mate. I just want the opportunity to at least pay you back.”

You, “I guess that would be ok. But I am seeing someone and have a new life now.”

Him, “I understand. You have found someone else. As long as you are happy, you deserve to be happy. I hope he treats you like the queen you are.”

You, “He’s a nice guy.”

Him, “Can I call you again?”

You, “I guess.”

Him with a sigh of relief, “Thank you Babe, that’s all I can ask of you. Thank you!”

You, “No biggie”. You are struggling to keep calm and sound indifferent but your mind is screaming, “What the hell is going on??!”

You, “Ok, well I should probably go.”

Him, “of course. I’m sorry to babble. I’ve missed you.”

You, “I used to miss you too.”

Him, “Babe?.”

You, “Yeah.”

Him, “There’s a song that always makes me think of you, Do You Drink About Me, just wanted you to know, it’s probably silly, forget I said anything. Sorry. I’ll let you go.” And in a barely audible whisper you think you hear him say, “I love you….”

*Click*

You, “Alexa? Play  Do You Drink About Me.

DON’T GO DOWN THAT RABBIT HOLE!!!

He has accomplished exactly what he set out to do. 

1. Get you thinking about him, wondering why he called now, what does he want, did he really say “I love you”, is he really sorry, has he changed??!!

2. Make you doubt yourself. 

3. Remind you that it wasn’t all bad.

4. Remind you of the passion and connection you had in the beginning.

5. Open the door, even a crack so he can slither back into your life.

And slither he will, just like the snake that he is. Once he is back in your life it won’t take long before you will be right back where you were. 

He’ll leave you alone for a few days, maybe send a text saying how good it was to hear your voice.

Then the next day, another text. “Have you listened to our song yet? I just heard it and thought of you.” (Notice now it is our song)

That night, “Still drinking of you. Goodnight Babe. Sweet dreams. I’ll be dreaming of you.”

Oh you would have to be a hard hearted Hannah to not start to weaken.

This is why No Contact is so vitally important. 

My next post. What To Do When The Narcissist Says All The Right Things.

 

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Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

I have been there, believe me. Deep down you know you are in danger but when you tell anyone they doubt you and then you doubt yourself. Maybe you are paranoid, maybe you are imagining things.

Please, I was lucky, it took my sister-in-law telling me he would kill me if I didn’t leave. Maybe God let me live because he needed me to educate people, be there to support victims. I should have, could have died several times.

I was reading a post the other day about Flying Monkeys and the damage they do. I always read the comments on posts and this one was no different. That is where I read the following comment.

I’m going through something ive never seen written about. My ex has fm that sneak into my daughters attic and stay above only the room im in….so who hears them right. Plus they have a newly redone attic that make little noise. They throw liquid on me, use something to make burns on my head. Use something to make me so tired i actually passed out withfood in my mouth. What do i do? Pray. Its been 4 years we broke up and we r divorced. I did divorce. He got everything. Our business ect. I had many hospital stays in our 37 yr marriage. I had 11 kidney stones……bladder so red they thought i had cancer. He was always cold and distant. I am 57 never had kidney stones. Got so bad i couldnt pee. Then just blood……he got weird phone call and i heard him say no shes just scared. He has been abusive in everyway. Near the end i was passing out at random times and am again. Help!!

ML (she used her full name but for her protection I am using her initials, just in case I am wrong) you need to move immediately. Find a safe shelter for domestic abuse victims. It is unlikely the police will believe you because it does sound far fetched. I believe you, but only because I have been there. People who haven’t experienced the abuse of a narc think, “But that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” The only answer is, “because they are a narcissist. They are evil soul destroyers”.
Plan your escape very carefully and covertly. No one can know. Once you have a safe place to go to leave in one fell swoop. Take what you can and leave the rest, nothing is worth your life. I left with $5 and my dog and slept in my truck. It’s been a long haul and life has been tough but I never regretted getting away and now 8 years after leaving my life is anxiety free, and I have good friends I can trust.
As long as you live where they have access to you, you are not safe.
Good luck.

ML, also, if that is your real name stop using it to post on social media immediately!! Do a Google search of your name and see what shows up. Any comments you make will show up in a Google search. If they are spying on you, you can bet they are tracking your Internet activity. Also check your vehicle for a tracking device and get a different phone. It’s amazingly easy to hack into a person’s cell phone and have full access to a person’s photos, text messages, and GPS. They can listen in on all your conversations and actually see what you are doing, even if you think your phone is off.

I immediately got out of that post and did a Google search on her name and the only thing that came up was an Obituary saying she died Dec 28, 2018. She comment was made 36 weeks ago, that would have meant her comment was made at the end of June 2018.

I am not saying her ex killed her. I don’t know her or him at all.

I DO know there are many ways to kill a person, you don’t have to even be in the same vicinity.

There are many ways a rcissist can kill a person; by slowly poisoning them physically or mentally. They can make their life so unbearable they feel their only escape is to kill themselves. (By getting them fired, evicted, cut off assistance, turn their kids against them, ruin their reputation) They can make them feel useless and turn everyone against them. Or they can make them feel (and act) paranoid and crazy. They can badger them incessantly with taunting phone calls, emails and text messages. They can destroy their property until they own nothing at all. Some, like my ex tamper with the victims vehicle, cutting brake lines, loosening lugnuts, the steering.

The stress alone can kill them, a woman leaving an abusive relationship is 75% more likely to get a chronic illness like cancer or like in my case, heart failure. Almost all victims end up with PTSD.

Unfortunately, since I started this blog I personally know of at least 6 women who were killed by their narcissist ex. That is just the ones I know for sure, there are more, like this woman, I suspect their killer is walking free.

The victim is often so deep into cognitive dissonance they convince themselves the narcissist is not really dangerous and deep down loves them and couldn’t really hurt them. They think they know the narcissist better than anyone and can handle him. They think they will be able to talk him out of hurting her or be able to outsmart him.

They also think they can’t live without the narcissist, or they can wean themselves off the narc. Or, they think one day they will have their fill and be able to walk away without it hurting like hell. The narc will hurt them one last time and they will kick him to the curb and never doubt their decision. All lies.

You can not ever be “ready” to leave, you will have self doubt, and he is going to try everything to make you doubt yourself.

As long as you remain in contact with the narcissist, in any form at all, even through friends and family; you are putting yourself in danger.

And yes, I too found myself wishing he would just kill me and get it over with because I didn’t think I could leave and start all over alone. I had nothing, I was 51, I just didn’t feel strong enough, couldn’t see ever having a life worth living but I dug deep and took that first step.

You don’t know what the future holds if you leave, but you know what the future will be like if you stay; and it only gets worse. Your only chance for a better life is to leave.

I am not saying leaving isn’t hard, it IS hard, you are going to cry and go through all kinds of emotions and you will struggle with yourself to not call him BUT it does get better and easier.

That much I can promise you!!

You don’t know how strong you are until you make it through something you didn’t think you could. If it was easy you wouldn’t need strength or courage.

Don’t give up on yourself!!

Don’t let him/her win!

Another Woman Dies – True Story

My mom was telling me about an accident that happened on Hwy #3 near Hope, BC. Apparently a car had been driving eratically and speeding then crashed into a highways maintenance truck.

The car literally broke into hundreds of pieces upon impact. The first people on the scene was a truck load of fire fighters who immediately started CPR on the female passenger. While they were desperately trying to save her life the driver of the vehicle jumped into the fire fighter’s truck and sped from the scene, leaving his female passenger to die alone in the middle of the highway.

My mom was wondering why he would have been driving erratically prior to the crash and I said, “Maybe he was trying to scare the passenger”. 

I thought to myself for a minute, “Have I become cynical? Always assuming domestic abuse when a woman is found dead?” 

As I watched the news they flashed the victim’s picture and then showed segments of an interview with her sons and sobbing husband. She was just 36 years old and I knew her. 

I hadn’t seen her and her husband for years, probably 10 years at least. 

Last night I looked up the husband’s Facebook page and he was talking about how they had been split. His wife had been seeing a guy off and on for a year but she had decided to end it and give her marriage an honest effort.

The guy she had been seeing wouldn’t leave her alone and was threatening to kill himself if she didn’t come talk to him. She went. That was the last time her husband and kids saw her alive.

I was lucky when I got in a vehicle with my ex, ….. just to talk. I have heard more horror stories from people who have visited the blog; than I can count. 

Stories of being thrown from a speeding vehicle, having a knife held to their throat, a gun to their head, literally fighting for their life, women set on fire, acid thrown at them. 

I am willing to bet every single woman who is murdered by her abusive ex, (and have no doubt, this young woman who died on Hwy #3 was murdered) didn’t believe he would ever really hurt her but her gut told her something else and she didn’t listen to it.

Those last few minutes or hours must have been terrifying. His speeding, passing on the right, passing around corners, her begging him to stop, him screaming at her he was going to kill them both. 

That isn’t love, it has nothing to do with love, what these assholes feel is not love. 

You are their possession and if they can’t have you, no one else can. Don’t kid yourself.

If your ex is threatening to kill himself call 911 and send help if you must, but whatever you do, DO NOT go to him yourself.

Again, children have their mother stolen from them. 

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim ends it. It does NOT help the situation if you keep going back and forth. You ate much safer to just stay away, no matter what he threatens. To go back and forth only antagonizes him and puts you at more risk. 

Yes, it is hard but no contact is the only way to end it with these people. They are not normal, they don’t think rationally, they don’t act like a normal person, they don’t react like a normal person, you can not be their friend.


Advice If You Are With A Narcissist But Don’t Want To Leave

I got a comment on the “30 Red Flags” post the other day and thought it was a topic worth talking about again.

broke own heart

I mean really, there must be some other advice when you discover you are with a narcissist, other than “RUN”. I remember how frustrated I’d become when searching for answers years ago; every single site I came to (there weren’t that many 10-12 years ago) said to leave. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted advice on how to stay, I loved this man, there must be a way of coping with his issues, some secret to having a doable relationship. I didn’t need a knight in shining armor, I was willing to compromise, communicate differently, feed his ego more. If I needed to give him space, or love him more, or express myself differently, I was willing to do whatever it took, just tell me so I can go about saving him and our relationship, but I was not going to jump ship and desert him. I loved this man with all my heart!

I have always thought that nothing is impossible if you are willing to do the work, that there is a solution to every problem if you don’t give up, and that true love will prevail. All relationships go through rough times but if you weather the storms you will be rewarded with true love and devotion, at 80 you will be sitting side by side in your rocking chairs with the love of your life laughing about the stupid fights you used to have. You will look knowingly at each other, because the storms will have brought you closer together.

Ah, yes, true enduring love! I do believe it exists, and I do believe that these days of instant gratification and “out with the old and in with the new” mentality are making “happily ever after” a lot harder to find, but it can be found; just not with a narcissist.

Sticking with the person you love is an admirable thing, it shows good character and that you are a person of your word, responsible, and have a heart, all the things of a narcissist does not have. *Hint number #1 – Both people must have these qualities in order for it to work.

 

Anyway, here is the comment:

I am newly married.. Im 23. I feel like everything you posted reminds me of my new husband. I have recently felt so uncomfortable in our home. No he isn’t cheating. He is just really mad. And under ” a lot of stress” when there is nothing to stress about. He never says he loves me or kisses me for no reason anymore. He used to be so loving and so caring about my wants and needs. Now nothing.. We have been together over 4 years now. I thought we were best friends, we enjoyed everything together.. Now everything is opposite and fights. I don’t know what to do.. Any advice other than run away?

psychopath

My reply:

Keisha, I know it is not so easy to walk away from a marriage, a new marriage. I am sure you don’t want to give up on your marriage, are afraid of what friends and family would think and say, plus you thought you had met your soulmate, your partner for life! You don’t want to think it was all a scam. You want the fairytale, happily ever after relationship you signed up for. You vowed, “For better or worse” and you sure don’t want to run at the first sign of “worse”.
By asking for advice, “other than run” you are in essence asking for tips on how to be married to a narcissist; and there are none. If you want to know how to be reasonably happy with a narcissist, how to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want, how to argue with a narcissist, how to reason with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist happy, how to avoid conflict with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist love you, how to make a narcissist be faithful, – there are no tips or advice to be given because all of the above are impossible.

So then we come to how you can change yourself so you can be happy and yet stay in the relationship; there are lots of things you can try but you have to remember, the narcissist doesn’t like you to be happy so you will constantly have to lie and sneak to be happy, in other words hide your happiness from him which is an oxymoron right there.

Even if you give up all expectations of the narc, don’t expect gifts for any occasions, don’t expect to ever go out, never expect the narc to show up, keep his promises, be faithful, or care one iota about you or the kids you will have, even if you give up your family and friends and live only for the narcissist and be at his beck and call 24/7, smile happily when he saunters through the door after being MIA for 3 days; He will still find fault, push your buttons until you break, to the point of you finding him in bed with your best friend and then him being angry with you for being upset. “But he should have known, you always have been a selfish bitch and he can not deal with your warped view of reality.”
Take it from a woman who tried everything, sacrificed everything, far more than material possessions, I sacrificed my self esteem, values, morals, boundaries, friendships and family and he still cheated and later even taunted me to kill myself. That is the one thing I refused to give him; my life and he has been pissed about it ever since.
But if you are determined to not run, this is my advice to you.
First of all, know this; they do not ever change.
What not to do:
– Don’t tell him that you think he is a narcissist in hopes he will want to change. They can’t change, they are born this way, their brains are wired totally different than a normal brain, he can not feel empathy, guilt, remorse and he really just can not care nor does he want to. Telling him he is a narcissist could put you in danger.
– Don’t believe a word he says, if his lips are moving, he is lying, get used to it.
– Don’t have any expectations
– Don’t rely on him for your self worth, keep your friends and family
– Don’t try couples counseling, he will just manipulate the counselor into thinking it is all your fault and he is the victim or if you get a counselor who knows anything about narcissists he will decide the counselor is a quack and refuse to attend.
– Don’t bother trying to explain why the things he does hurt you in hopes that some day you will be able to explain it in such a way that he will finally understand and stop doing what he is doing.

Accept that this is the way your relationship is going to go. It will eventually get so bad that you feel you have no choice but to leave because he will act like he can’t stand the fact that you are breathing his air. BUT if you do leave he will do everything within his power to get you back, even apologize for everything he ever did wrong.
If you go back, the abuse will be worse than ever and the cycle will continue. The honeymoon period will be shorter and the abuse worse.

Keep reading up on narcissists, keep coming here for support, keep a journal so you can see the pattern and that you are repeating history over and over again and nothing ever gets better.

  • Journaling is the number one best thing you can do for many reasons; it will help you keep your sanity for when he gaslights you and says things didn’t happen, twists your words, rewrites history, when you find out 6 months later he was lying, to be used in court to prove abuse, when he eventually kills you it will give the police and your family answers to what happened. (Please visit Myinnerchick.com it is written by the sister of a woman murdered by her soon to be ex husband)
  • Don’t stay 10 years like I did, or God forbid 30 years like some women
  • Please read the Safety Plan download at the top of the blog and other posts I have done on staying safe while in or leaving a narcissist.
  • Please do not have children with this man, do not bring an innocent life into this mess.

You say he isn’t cheating; I never thought my ex cheated on me either, I didn’t think he was capable of that kind of dishonesty, I really truly thought he loved me deeply and even when he had personal ads I didn’t think he would actually do anything about it.
I read somewhere that if you think your narcissist isn’t cheating you just haven’t caught him yet or he doesn’t feel he has you mentally beaten down far enough yet to take that step, but eventually he will cheat, 90% of them do, multiple times and with multiple women.

You are 23, with your whole life ahead of you, 30 years can fly by amazingly fast when you are dodging bullets, putting out fires, playing detective, and dancing as fast as you can while jumping through impossible hoops; all the while playing an endless game of “If only” in your head.

Look around at the married people you know, how many of them are recently married and always angry with their partner; I bet none.

We are here to help, encourage and support, but there is only one way to deal with a narcissist and that is to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and never have contact again.

I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

If You Were Told You Could Keel Over Dead Any Minute

If you were told you could keel over dead at any minute would you waste your time worrying about what the narcissist is doing? Would you want to spend your last breaths dealing with the chaos and drama of the narcissist? I can’t imagine being with a narcissist and knowing I might die any minute and have him throwing some stupid temper tantrum because you aren’t worried about how it is affecting HIM! Can’t you just see it?

You come home from the doctor’s, after being told you should be in the hospital and could die any minute, tell the narcissist and ask for a hug. He looks up from texting someone on his phone with a look of total boredom, and rolls his eyes, as if to say, “Here we go again!” You try to hold back the tears because you know how he hates it when you cry and you don’t want to start a fight. Maybe you should have waited to say something, maybe you could have said it differently, you don’t want to sound like you are looking for sympathy or feel sorry for yourself; you just really need to know he loves you and to feel his arms around you.

But, like every other time you have needed him to be there for you; he isn’t. In fact, he starts a fight, tells you how selfish you are to walk in and lay that on him; don’t you ever think about other people’s feelings? He storms out of the house and you are left standing there, alone, again.

He has left his laptop sitting there open on his email so you decided to snoop and sure enough, you are not surprised to see he has a personal ad on POF again and has been talking to women. That’s probably where he is now.

Is that the way you want to live your life? dying slowly from heart ache before you finally leave this earth. Does he deserve any more of your precious time?

No matter how long you have been with him, he does not deserve another minute of your precious life.

Time flies by, not just when you are having fun, it flies by when you live in hell too. When you are always stressed over someone like the narcissist who thrives on trauma and drama time flies by and before you know it another year has slipped by. Then one day you realize you have been living like the movie Groundhog Day, repeating history over and over again, never resolving anything, walking on egg shells and 10 or 20 years have slipped by. You haven’t been living, sure you breath, you eat, you function; but have you been living? Your every waking moment has been consumed with thinking about the narcissist in some form or another. Either you are feeling guilty, snooping, begging, fighting, leaving him or going back to him, forgiving him, planning how you are going to talk to him in order to avoid a fight, cajoling him, placating him, making excuses for him, or trying to put the puzzle pieces together. When was the last time you just relaxed? laughed easily without watching for his reaction. When was the last time you asked for help doing something without carefully plotting out how you would approach the conversation and choosing your words, checking your body language and tone of voice?

This is not happy, this is not love, this is dysfunctional and it is killing you slowly.

I was moving boxes into my suite the other day and a section of one of my journals fell out on the floor, it was from 2009, only a few months after my ex had begged back into my life and told me I was the only woman he would ever love and all the woman he would ever need, when he promised me total honesty and I was writing about finding a personal ad, him refusing to admit any wrong doing, twisting the facts, blaming me……..I could look in any one of my journals spanning 10 years and I would have written the same things. What we fought about in year one was the same as what we fought about in year 10 only the abuse had gotten worse over the years and he didn’t hide his infidelity as well or come up with even believable lies. I had stopped hoping, praying for fidelity or honesty and had started praying he would at least come up with a good enough lie I could keep lying to myself.

I maintain that I would not change the past even if I could because of the inner growth and peace I have found in the process of healing myself but I am glad that I am not having to deal with him at this time of my life.

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today to hear the results of the tests I did last month. He said, “It’s not good.” and wanted to admit me to the hospital again. I hate hospitals and I see no point in going to the hospital unless I have had a heart attack again or they have plans to do surgery. I agreed to go to another specialist who will be the one who would put a pacemaker in or whatever other mechanism they decide I need. The doctor asked me if I knew my heart is working at less than 20%, I said I had a pretty good idea because all the technicians who tested me seemed surprised I was functioning at all, like walking, breathing, let alone able to go up stairs. The doctor nodded his head in agreement and said I shouldn’t be functioning near as well as I am and I could keel over dead at any minute. THAT was reassuring! I said but you haven’t seen what I can do, I can walk miles, I can landscape, I have had to move every few months the last couple of years and do it all by myself. He just shook his head and said again, “And you could drop dead at any time.”

I don’t know what to say about being told I could die any minute, any of us could die tomorrow crossing the street, we can’t live in bubble out of fear. I certainly don’t want to die, I have so much I want to do yet, I haven’t been able to get to know my grand daughter as I would have wanted simply because I haven’t had the money to get to her. I want to be around for my boy, I don’t want anyone to be sad, I don’t want Stella to wonder where I am and I sure the hell don’t want my ex pretending to cry.

What do I hope you all take away from this?

That life is short, far too short to waste it on the likes of a narcissist, you don’t know when your day will come. You think you can’t live without the N, you may think your heart is breaking and you will never find happiness again, you may think that you have all the time in the world to make it up to your kids that you spend all day in bed obsessing about the N. It took me 2 full years to even start to feel like I was healing and there was life after a Narcissist; but that is largely due to the fact that I didn’t go no contact for almost a year after we split.
I tell myself that anyone can go at any minute but being told, to your face that you should be dead and could be dead tomorrow really makes you think about how you want your last days on earth to be, what memory do you want your loved ones to have of you? you last words to be, your last actions to be?

I know you can’t rush healing, it takes time; but you do have a lot of control over how you heal and I am going to go over those steps again in my upcoming posts.

Staying No Contact, Starting To Date and Being Strong

Hello everyone!! Oh my, so much has happened lately and I really have to do a post bringing you all up to date. I have not had an internet connection so in all honesty I haven’t even been able to read most of the comments let alone respond or do a post but I have read enough comments to see that you all have kept things going and been supportive of each other and that is so heart warming to see.

I got an internet connection today for awhile and was reading comments. My reply to the following comment got so long I thought it was worthy of its own post; it covers so many of the issues many victims face after breaking up with a narcissist.

Here is the comment from “Janice” who used her full name but I edited her comment and erased her last name.

Thanks for your response and encouraging words. It means a lot to know there are people who understand what I’m going thru. He text me a couple of weeks ago wanting to know about 3 my grandson’s of whom he has never met but says they are also his. ( their not biologically). I tried to stay strong with NC but failed a few days ago. I gave him no information on them just told him that he needed to contact their parents. He started to argue and just wanted me to answer his questions. 2 of My grown children don’t like him and don’t talk to him the other tolerated him for me. So they’re not missing out. Anyway I feel bad for breaking NC. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything sence. I felt good for a few days after, not missing him or thinking about him. It’s been 3 days…. now today He’s been heavy on my mind. I get this nervous feeling in my stomach right before he contacts me, so I think he’s going to try and contact me again. Ive change my number and asked my friends and family not to give it to him in the past and they all say they don’t like him and have no contact with him. But he always seems to get it so changing it this time I don’t think will help… I’m not computer or Internet savvy is there away he is finding me on the internet somehow and if so how can I stop him from finding out my number. So far to me he hasn’t been violent just annoying. Although he has bragged to me about being violent to his other victims he’s had in the 21 year off \ on relationship we’ve had. Can he turn violent. Towards me? And I’m thinking about seeing someone but I’m afraid of what he might do if he finds out, even though he’s moved on to another victim. I hope he will just leave me alone. The longer I go without him contacting me the better I feel. I feel so weak at times, i wish I was as strong as the others I read about on here. Your all an inspiration thank you all so much.

My reply

Janice, I am sorry I don’t have a constant internet connection and rarely get on here these days or I would have responded sooner. For one thing, (and I am going to change it the minute I finish my reply to you) use an alias when responding to anything on the internet. I am assuming that is your real name, even Janice is better, but drop the last name. Anyone can go into Google and do a search on your name and every place you have commented will appear. Janice is generic enough they probably would never find you, but with your last name you would be amazed at the information a person can get off the net.
I have learned the hard way that even people we trust explicitly will give the narc information on us, often without even knowing what they are doing. The narc is so cunning he has his ways.

Unless your number is unlisted he can find it on the net for sure. They can hack into your phone without even being any where near it. My ex called me from a number I didn’t recognize, I called back and that was all it took. He didn’t even answer but he was hooked up to the GPS on my cell phone. Tracking devices can be put on a vehicle in a matter of seconds, just walking past your car parked on the side of the road, it is magnetic and so small you would never see it.

If he was violent with someone in the past he will be violent again; whether it is with you or not depends on how long you want to play cat and mouse with him. I hate to break it to you but he will never stop torturing you; it’s too much fun for him, so it is up to you to not respond to any contact from him whatsoever and to cut as many avenues to get to you as you can.

The bigger question is, “Is your ex capable of murder?” They don’t have a conscience, they are capable of anything. Actually I was working on a post this morning called, “There is more than one way to commit murder”; nothing would feed his ego more than you committing suicide, becoming an alcoholic, dying of a heart attack……the stress of dealing with these soul suckers long term does horrendous things to a person’s health, I learned much too late. Very few victims realize the danger they are in at the time because the narcissist keeps them so off balance. You don’t start to see things clearly until you have been no contact for a few months, once you start to think with a clear mind you will wonder why you hung in as long as you did and you will actually fear contact from him because of the power he had over you to accept the unacceptable.

We all think that we have nothing to lose by meeting with him if he asks, we are only going to see what he has to say, or we tell ourselves we know what we are dealing with and we are going to wean ourselves off him. We are only kidding ourselves, every time you see him after you break up is like playing Russian Roulette; he probably won’t kill you, but how many chances are you willing to take, how many bullets are in the gun? A person can go years without ever showing any violence towards the person and still kill them you know? I bet that 80% of the domestic murder victims did not think he was going to kill her when she agreed to meet him to pick up her stuff, or just to talk, or when she was coming home one night and he was waiting by the door or when he rang the bell and begged to speak with her one last time. I have heard horror stories on here that would make you realize how you have walked into a potential death trap many times. I look back and realize how lucky I was because I was really stupid!

I think the only thing that has saved my life is that he knows if something happened to me my son would hunt him down and now that I have the blog he would be the first and only suspect.

You feel weak because your brain is telling you to call him, you think you need a “fix” just like a drug addict knows the drugs are killing him his brain is telling him, “But it will feel so good. Remember how good it felt?, go ahead, just take a little bit, I know you want to, no one will know.” You need to fight that urge just like an alcoholic quits drinking, like a heroin addict kicks heroin; one day, one minute at a time. To tell yourself that you will just see him for a few minutes or one phone call won’t hurt, is like a heroin addict telling himself that if he doesn’t stick the needle in all the way he is not using.

Don’t beat yourself up when you fall off the wagon, use it as a reminder that it may feel good for a day or two but you end up right back here every time. Seeing him doesn’t fix anything. The only way off this roller coaster from hell is to get off the ride and stay off. If you keep seeing him one of two things are going to happen; you will eventually get sick of it and stop because it is killing you and you have no life because you are consumed with him even years later and you will have dedicated MORE years of your life to an abusive asshole who doesn’t love you or respect you. Or you will get so weak and feel so hopeless you will just give in and let him walk all over you and you will tolerate any treatment from him because you have lost all self respect and will take any crumbs he gives you. Either way it is a pretty bleak future.

Write this down and read it every day:

The reality of the situation is, I was in love with a fantasy, there is nothing I can do to fix him or the relationship; he is a toxic, evil person and no amount of wishing, hoping or praying is going to change him. As much as I want/wanted the relationship to be loving, healthy and happy, it is not and I was not loved, happy or healthy while in it. I can still love the person I thought he was, my love was real and I need time to grieve the loss but I have to face the fact that it is over. I do not have any choice, to stay is insanity and setting myself up for more hurt. It may not be my fault for getting involved with him but now that I know what he is if I continue to keep him in my life I am choosing to stay with someone I know will abuse me and I can no longer blame anyone but myself.

It is not easy, you have to self counsel because you can go to your counselor and feel strong for a day or two, or come on here and have something really hit home for you; but there is going to be times it is just you and the phone or text message or he will call you and you need to talk logically to yourself and tell yourself the truth and not listen to your brain. You need to retrain your brain, it takes time and practice. He was working on brainwashing you for how long? 21 years? you are not going to erase that in a few weeks or months.

As for starting to date other men;
Oh please do not do that!! it is the absolutely worst thing you could do for yourself right now!!

You are a prime candidate for hooking up with another narcissist because you are feeling so low right now and think that another man is going to make you feel better about yourself and that is how a narc hooks his victims, by telling them how perfect they are and they are “the best”, their “soul mate” and then before you know it you are right back here and can’t figure out why you keep attracting narcissists.

Before you start dating again you need to heal and learn to set boundaries and get comfortable defending those boundaries. You need to know yourself intimately and love everything about yourself to the point that no one can ever make you doubt yourself again. You have to be so whole that you don’t feel a need for a man in your life to complete you or make you feel valued. You need to know your value so that no one ever makes you feel worthless. That takes time! lots of time. As long as you are thinking a new man is what you need; you don’t need to date. When you really don’t care if you have a man in your life or not; THAT is when it is time to start dating. When I say “don’t care” I am not meaning you have a hate on for all men and think they are all scum, I mean when you are at peace deep within yourself, enjoying life doing the things you love and the thought of sharing it with a man is nice but you really don’t want to have to compromise doing what you love, you like your freedom and don’t really want to give it up, when you get home to an empty house and eat whatever you want at whatever time and watch the movie you want to watch and you think to yourself, “God I love being able to do what I want and not have to worry about cooking for someone else or looking good for someone or cleaning house for someone or wondering why they are so quiet, grumpy, or if they are coming home tonight at all.”

I know you are going to think I am crazy but I recommend that a person not even think about dating for two years, after the last time they had contact with the N, not from when they broke up; because healing does not start until no contact starts.

He may be dating and found his “soul mate” but he is a sick soul vampire, who can’t love and doesn’t give a shit about other people and was never invested in the relationship. You on the other hand are not a sick soul vampire, you loved very much and were fully committed and invested in the relationship. Your heart was broken and your world turned upside down, you are suffering from ptsd, you don’t trust your own instincts and gut feelings, you have been told lies about yourself, been stripped of your self confidence, self esteem and you don’t even know who you are any more.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL!!!

figure out who you are, do not get involved with a man who you think will define you and give you value. Find your value BEFORE you find a man.

A normal healthy person does not rush to get involved again, they need time to lick their wounds. Remember, you are dealing with a sick sick man, do not compare yourself to him. No one can walk away from a relationship with a narcissist and not need time to heal.

Well, that is really long, I think I will make it a post all on it’s own.

Good luck and you know where to find us!

Oh! and one other thing; about the being strong part.

I went 2 full years thinking every day; “I can not do this one more day” and every day I went to bed thinking, “OK I made it through today, tomorrow is a new day.” and I would wake up and think, “I can not do this one more day.” When I realized that I had been saying it for like almost 700 days, I realized, “I guess I AM strong enough.” No one thinks they are strong enough to make it through, that is why it is so hard, if we knew we could do it, it would be easy; right?

I know you don’t see it as a blessing in any shape or form and can’t see how anything good could ever come of how horrible you are feeling; but in reality you are being given an opportunity that not everyone gets to rebuild yourself and become the best version of you that you can be. A person has to be torn down to nothing before they can put themselves back together, make this your time to become the best you can be.

Now, 5 years out and even with the struggles I still face financially I would not change a thing from the past because I have inner peace and confidence I never had before.

Breath!! Be Patient, and stop panicking thinking you are doing this healing thing all wrong, not fast enough or that you aren’t strong enough; you are here reading this, you are breathing, you are strong enough, or you wouldn’t be here now.