Tag Archives: No Reim’er Reason

Putting the Pieces Of Me Back Together

I just posted this on No Reim’er Reason, to read the whole post all you have to do is join the new interactive blog No Reim’er Reason for a mere $15 for a life time membership.

For those of you who have already joined the site, we have over 20 members now, remember to click on the Follow Button in the sidebar so you get notified of new posts and comments.

I changed the format of the blog because the chat feature was just not working. Now the blog is interactive like a chat room, hopefully it will be sufficient  if not, I will keep searching until I find the answer. This format is supposed to work just like a chat room, so here’s hoping.

I have been there every day at 11, but only one person showed up so far. If the time is not convenient for you please let me know and we will try to work out a time that works for most people. This is our blog, not mine, so I want your input.

Putting The Puzzle Back Together,

puzzle heart

After James and I split I literally felt as if I was in a million pieces, I didn’t even know who I was any more and nothing felt natural to me. It was a bizarre feeling, scary, I stuttered and stammered when I went out in public, I would have thoughts in my head, logical and intelligent conversation but somehow by the time it got to my mouth I couldn’t put an intelligent sentence together, I forgot words, forgot what I was going to say; I felt like a fool. I had always been very outspoken and able to get my point across, what was wrong with me? If I tried to be funny my humor fell flat, I had always been able to come back with a witty one liner if a guy hit on me and now I could not flirt to save my life; all things that had been second nature to me prior. I had been an excellent cook and now I burned toast, I had been a obsessive house cleaner and now my place was a pig sty, I didn’t know what I wanted to eat, even in a restaurant I couldn’t make up my mind. At home I ate microwave dinners, just because I knew I had to eat and it saved me having to think if what to cook. AND to top it all off all I could talk about was James, because he was always in my mind, over shadowing everything I did.

I didn’t know how to have casual chit chat, I felt out of touch with the world, like I had been gone from civilization for years and just come back and everyone had left me behind. I had nothing in my life that could relate to what my old friends were doing now.

Who was I? and how on earth was I ever going to function in this world that seemed so foreign to me after James? I had always had being the Lady Witha Truck to fall back on as my identity, but he had stripped me of that before discarding me, so I was lost, who was Carrie is she wasn’t someone’s partner and she didn’t have a job, what defined me?

You Get To Choose What Kind Of Victim You Want To Be

What do I mean by you get to choose what kind of victim you get to be? You never chose to be a victim at all!! Who would choose to be a victim? That is crazy! and you are just struggling to cope with life, handle your grief and pain, there is no choice in the matter at all!!

Well, you are wrong, you DO have a choice! There are several types of victims and it is totally up to you which one you pick.

There is the “All men are scum” victim, they refuse to ever trust again, if they do meet a man they can find narcissistic traits in the most innocent of actions. I heard from one victim who after about a year went on a date with a fellow, they had a really good time, he was very gentlemanly and said he would call later in the week. She got home and started analyzing the night, he was awfully nice. I don’t know how she found out but she figured it out that he had gone out of town for 4 days, and so she dumped him because he was a liar. I asked her how she knew he had gone out of town and why she figured it was any of her business.  Even if he had gone out of town with another woman he must have had the plans made before he had the date with her, so that meant he was a man of his word and kept the date with the other woman. So far he had done nothing wrong. And he called her later in the week like promised. But you can bet once he found out she had spied on him and she accused him of being a narcissist he ran to the highest hill to get away from her; if he didn’t he is probably a narcissist. A normal healthy man is not going to put up with being spied on or deal with your paranoia just because you were hurt in the past. Nor should he!

There is the “I have no control” victim. She relies on the man to give her worth and make her feel good about herself but she leaves what man she dates totally up to the man. She dates and the first man that shows her any attention is the one she falls in “love” with. She worries about whether she is the type of woman he wants and bends herself into a pretzel trying to be the right woman for him. She tells him that she was hurt badly in the past, thinking that will protect her from him hurting her. For one thing a normal healthy man never goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting the other person, so what does she expect? that he will commit on the 1st date to spend the rest of his life with her? there is always a chance of getting hurt in every relationships, even the healthy ones. And if the guy is a narcissist you have given him private info he will use against you down the road and he has no scruples and doesn’t care if you have been hurt before, he is still going to hurt you. She goes through life wondering why she keeps attracting narcissists and they keep hurting her.

Then there is the “I am done with love forever” victim. Their lives are ruined, they have no faith in love, don’t believe in love and think all men are evil. They vow to spend the rest of their lives single and warning others about narcissists, they spend all their time on Narcissist Support Forums warning other women about narcissists and reliving their own pain day after day after day.

There is the “I will expose him and bring him down” victim who spends the rest of her days, stalking her ex, she stays in contact with him so she can know what he is up to at all times and she spends her days trying to figure out what he is up to now and continually warns the women in his life. She then can not believe that the new woman does not believe her and hates the new woman for being so stupid, she tells herself they deserve each other. This victim talks with such venom and hatred about the narcissist to anyone who will listen that friends drop off and she gets to be known as the crazy lady. Which she is, the narcissist didn’t do that to her, she did it to herself by making him the focus of her life instead of getting on with life herself.

What do all these victims have in common? They were all clinging to the narcissist in some way and giving him all the power over them. I have said it many times before, IT IS NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT that they were targeted by a narcissist; BUT that does not mean they had no control over it or couldn’t have avoided it had they known their own self worth and what they were dealing with. Anyone can be targeted by a narcissist but not everyone succumbs to their charms and manipulation. Why? Because they know they worth and they have set boundaries they are not afraid to defend.

You can say, “but I am an empath and I can’t help it”. I say “yes, you can help it. You CAN be an empath and still protect yourself from being a victim of a narcissist. You can trust again and find love, you can still be a loving caring person without giving yourself away to the man you love.”

And THAT is what I want to talk about in No Reim’er Reason.” You don’t have to be frozen and controlled by your fear of being hurt again. You don’t have to be a victim the rest of your life, using your victimhood as a shield against ever loving again, hiding behind your hurt too afraid to venture out in the world. You CAN take your experience and become a strong vibrant woman in love with life that men are drawn to because you know your worth and you are out there living your life happy with inner peace. NOT because some man told you that you are wonderful and lovable but because you know without a doubt that you ARE valued and loved for who you are and you won’t take anything less from anyone.

Yes, an important part of healing, the beginning part; requires learning about the narcissist and how they operate but it will not protect from future narcissists, THAT comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and believing in yourself. It is the ONLY way of protecting yourself. If you have been continually hurt by narcissists you need to look within to find the answers.

Being a victim can become very comfortable, it relieves you of all responsibility for your happiness, it gives you a purpose and identity, and it becomes comfortable. Have you found that when you come in here and talk about the narcissist you almost get a “high”, you can relate to everyone who comes in, you bond with everyone through being a victim. It becomes a little “us against them” sorority, the initiation fee is a broken heart. And it is good to know you are not alone, that you are not crazy, but you can get stuck there too. The more you think about and talk about the narcissist the deeper he becomes embedded in your mind. You become as hooked on being a victim as you were to the narcissist. Being a victim becomes your addiction, your crutch. It is easier to be a victim than look within for answers and work on yourself, you might not like what you see when you look at yourself, you don’t want to change, change is scary but you can not be who you were, that person is gone forever, you slept with the devil and nothing can change that. Do you grow from it and become a better person? that is totally up to you.

On my emails I sign off with this tag line

I don’t know when it happened but at some point I stopped trying to find the old me and started trying to be the best me.

Join me at No Reim’er Reason to become your best you.

The you who knows your worth and goes out into the world open to whatever comes your way be it love, friendship, or a life being single. A victim who doesn’t consider themselves to be a victim. A woman who embraces everything that has happened to her in life because it brought her to this place, a woman who has taken her experiences and used them to make herself more aware, more loving, more accepting and less needy, suspicious and afraid.

When you meet a man you are attracted to you aren’t filled with fear that he will be another narcissist because you know you are in control. You know that you will never let anyone cross your boundaries again and if you aren’t being treated as you should be you will have the power and confidence to walk away. You won’t ever again try to be the woman a man wants, you will approach dating with the mind set “is he the man for me” , you won’t “let things slide”, “settle” for less than you deserve, you will be able to walk away without guilt when you see that the man’s words do not match his actions, you won’t need “proof” that he is an asshole, you will know that it is ok to walk away because you feel uncomfortable with the way things are going in the relationship. You will listen to your gut and know it is telling you to walk and you won’t have to prove it to yourself, you will not longer feel you have to fix everything and every man. You will not have to prove what a good woman you are by support a man with potential. You will know that you are a wonderful woman deserving of a man who knows his own self worth and doesn’t need a woman to tell him or support him or sacrifice for him.

Offer Only Good Until 2016 – Be The Best You, You Can Be

I am offering membership to my new blog at $15 until the end of 2015, that will entitle you to a lifetime membership. In 2016 there will be a monthly fee to belong.

I have designed the blog to be more interactive and am committed to spending 2 hours a day on the site to answer questions live, 11 am – 1 pm daily.

This site is comfortable, we all talk about the narcissist and how horrible he is and what he put us through, which is good for awhile, but at some point you have to stop talking about the narcissist and start looking at yourself and doing things for yourself. There is a very real danger of getting stuck in the victim mode as you embed the narc into your brain deeper and deeper by talking about him.

There are women who are lifetime members of these support forums, never rising above being a victim because they have become a victim and don’t know how to be anything else. Being a victim has many appealing things about it, you never have to take responsibility for your actions, you can blame the narc for everything bad that happens to you, you always have something to talk about, and it is a role you know and feel comfortable in plus it keeps you attached to the narc in some tiny way. Letting go of being a victim means you have to let go of the narcissist.

But to just quit the blog and start dating is a dangerous step also because you haven’t done the inner work and still not taking responsibility for your own happiness and peace. So many victims of a narc go straight into the arms of another narc because they are looking for someone to tell them they are ok, loved and wanted and what does a narc do when he first meets a new victim? he lays on the charm. When do you discover he is a narc? when he has you hooked good. How do you protect yourself? By getting to know yourself an appreciating yourself, setting boundaries, knowing your worth. THAT is what this new blog is all about YOU.

No Reim’er Reason

Just $15 for a lifetime of support! Come on, I hope to have at least a hundred members by the new year!! Just click on the donate button, specify in the memo section of the paypal form that it is for a membership in the new blog and I will forward the password to you.

There will not be a donate button on the new blog. I hate to ask for money, I get so many private emails saying I should charge for the blog, I can’t charge everyone now that they already belong to the blog. So this is the free blog.

There are 2005 followers here, surely there are at least 100 people who want to become the best they can be. I have one member who has donated $30 towards two memberships, I have one free membership left, the 50th person to sign up with get their membership for free.