Tag Archives: #nocontact

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

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Definition Of A Strong Independent Woman

I think many people are confused about the traits of a strong independent woman.

They see a woman who’s outspoken, in your face, and will tell you exactly what they think of you, and think she is a strong woman. So many victims will say they need to tell the narcissist what they think of him so he doesn’t think they are weak or that he won.

There are alot of people who view victims of domestic abuse as being weak and needy, when often times the opposite is true.

I had someone say I am “just like your mother”, strong and independent. I was shocked! and said as much; “my mother is opinionated and judgemental, but she is far from strong and independent. I have known women who will give a man shit using language like the proverbial logger. I’ve known women who will make demands of those around her and not back down because she thinks she deserves their compliance and “respect”. Women who will argue, loudly! and angrily because they must always be right, (even though they don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about). They will declare someone a loser, stupid, or an asshole based on superficial appearances, or consider someone successful based on outward appearances.

Usually this type of person is in fact quite insecure and very dependent on the approval of others and their opinions tend to change with popular opinion. They are not narcissists but often times they end up inadvertently being the flying monkeys of the narcissist. They are dangerous, because they don’t stand by their convictions or their convictions aren’t based on facts or educated.

A truly strong woman is not in your face, she is not judgemental and makes her decisions about people based on her own experience and gut instincts. A strong woman will stand by her convictions because she has formed them after educating herself and personal experience. She is willing to listen to an opposing opinion without attacking the other person, because her opinion is based on her experience and knowledge and she is confident in her decisions. She will defend her position calmly with facts and isn’t threatened by someone disagreeing with her.

A strong woman doesn’t make rash decisions and weighs the facts.

A strong woman doesn’t go with popular opinion and has strong moral convictions. She defends the people she cares about and will have your back no matter what. She may not have many friends, because she takes the job of “friend” very seriously. She is a loyal and devoted partner who will “stand by her man” when many less strong women would have walked away.

A strong woman isn’t with a man for his money or because she needs a man to take care of her. She is there because of love and will sacrifice her own resources and security because she is confident she can recoup any losses and she doesn’t gauge a person’s value on what they have.

What hurt me far more than being hit by my ex was, the people I loved and trusted the most in my life turning against me because they thought I was weak. (Besides the fact that family of all people especially should be there for you when you are feeling weak)

What they were calling weak was the same self sacrifice and loyalty they had taken for granted from me for years. The same strength they had grown to rely on when their lives fell apart or they had no one in their corner.

A strong woman gets on with life and will prove over and over again what she is made of, without saying a word.

Don’t allow the narcissist to bait you into becoming the psycho vindictive bitch he says you are.

It was when I gave up trying to defend myself and accepted that I only had control over my own actions and not the actions or opinions of the narc or the people who believed his lies, that I was able to find peace. When I made the conscious decision to always live true to my core self and to hell with the rest of the world is when my life started to fall into place.

I didn’t want to remain a victim so I didn’t make it part of my identity. I decided a couple of years ago to just carry on, being me, living honestly, true to my core self; more than ever before in my life. Of course I care what people think of me, I want people to like me, but it doesn’t affect how I operate, I remain true to me.

The other day I was telling a couple of women I have known for about 3 years about being in an abusive relationship because I felt it was relevant to our discussion about the trailer I am fixing up. I didn’t think they thought I was weak, I think the information just gave their opinion of me more depth.

The thing is; I know I am not weak. That knowledge is my secret power. It is that knowledge that puts a smile on my face when someone under estimates what I am capable of.

I always thought I was strong, I had gone through some stuff in my life that alot of people never have to face and I did it with calm control at a young age. I knew I had the strength within me to handle the situation and at those times I had family support also. But I discovered how tremendously strong I am when I faced something I didn’t think I could survive and made it through, totally on my own. Some people never discover how strong they actually are.

The first thought and the first thing I say to a woman who tells me she just left an abuser after, say; 20 plus years is, “You must be an incredibly strong woman.” Not just to leave, but to have stayed 20 years.

I compare it to my dog, Stella. I find it interesting that she is the most nonaggressive dog at the dog park. She stands there observing. Some dogs are just assholes, they will pick up every dog in the park, regardless of size, but they never ever pick up Stella.

There are other dogs that will roll over and show their belly in submission the minute some dog shows them aggression. Stella never shows her belly.

The minute she sees a dog being picked on she wades in and gets in their face barking. If they don’t stop she blocks them with her body and as a last resort she will get her legs around the bully, throw them down and lay on them until they submit.

She never looks for confrontation but she is fearless when it happens. We were walking the other day and there was car parked with a couple in it. The guy was loudly giving the woman shit. Stella was very concerned about it and kept stopping and turning back to look at the car. After the 3rd time I told her, “Ok. Let’s go check it out”. And let her lead the way. She walked straight up to the driver’s door of the car and stared at the man and I stood on the sidewalk watching. The guy stopped yelling and looked at Stella, “Hey Buddy”, he said and then looked at me, looking at him. He stopped yelling and we went on our way.

And you know what? Everyone loves Stella.

My point is this; don’t allow your head or anyone else convince you that you are not strong. A truly strong person is not afraid to show vulnerability and be themselves because they know; whatever comes their way, they will survive it.

Also, you need to realize that the narcissist didn’t take anything from you that you didn’t give away. You always were in control and could have left any time. To confront the narcissist is not going to prove you are strong, it is only going to prove he still has control over your emotions.

Do you have an accurate view of what makes a strong woman?

How Do You Know If You Are You Being Tracked?

Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing for sure without going to alot of expense and even then, you won’t know for sure.

In November it will be 8 years since I left my ex, and I know he had a tracking device on my vehicle before I left. So this is not new technology and it is even further advanced than this video warns. I know!

All they have to do is call your phone and you return their call. The minute your phone connects with his phone, just his voice mail; he has access to all your information.

I was diligent about not answering any calls from numbers I didn’t recognize but I had started a new job and I got lots of calls from numbers I didn’t know. I had seen the call come in and not answered. I checked my messages but they didn’t leave a message. I debated, should I return the call? Or not?

I stopped for smokes at the Husky Gas Station around the corner where I lived and decided to return the call.

After all, I hadn’t heard a word from my ex in a year and 1/2.

I was entering a new exciting phase of my life, just gotten a new job, just signed a rent-to-own agreement and moved into a sweet cabin on a lake and I had to stop being paranoid.

I punched in the numbers, it rang twice and then I heard his voice telling me to leave a message.

I dropped my phone like an electrical shock had travelled the phone lines and hung up as quickly as I could without saying a word.

Immediately my mind exploded with questions, “Why did he call and not leave a message?” “Why would he call and then not answer when I called back?”, “What is he up to?”. I never got another call from that number and I never called it again and I tried to just put it out of my mind.

I suspected he had hacked into my phone when strata counsel where I lived started getting annonymous complaints about me as did my landlord and boss. Plus my (new to me) truck broke down.

It was all very dejavu….. I told myself to not be paranoid, anyone I told that I suspected he had somehow hacked into my phone, acted like I was paranoid.

I took my phone to the store where I bought it, they checked it and said there was no way it had been hacked into, there was no tracking app installed on it and to be safe just shut off my GPS.

Once they have access to your phone they have total access to ALL the information and apps on your phone. You can shut your phone OFF and they can turn it on without you ever knowing. It can be off, sitting beside you and they can access your GPS.

While still with him, with his sister in my truck right beside me as a witness; my phone started playing this John Mayer song popular at the time. It would play the same song at random times during the day and wouldn’t stop until I took out the battery and rebooted my phone. If you don’t know the song here are the words;

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring
Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, ’till the day you came
Showing me a another way and all that my love can bring
Oh half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
(I can’t stop loving you)
I can’t stop loving you
(I can’t stop loving you)
I can’t stop loving you with half of my
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man
Who’s never truly loved anything
Songwriters: John Mayer

You can see that having this song randomly play throughout the day was a total mind fuck when I am packing to leave him. No one would have believed me, thank God his sister was with me everyday and witnessed the bizarre events but then people thought we were both crazy!

At least I knew I wasn’t crazy, I finally had a witness to the bizarre things, the “coincidents” that kept happening.

– how he never ever got home before me but would arrive within 15 minutes of me getting home. I even used to get home and leave if he wasn’t there trying to get home after him.

– how even though I bought two new batteries for my truck and had my whole charging system checked the batteries were dead every morning. (She marked the batteries with a permanent marker. Sure enough they had been switched out)

– he always seemed to know exactly what we did and talked about every day.

– he would just happen to show up where ever I was.

– she was the one who found the wire leading from his shop to a receiving device under the trailer where we lived.

– she was there with me in the truck when we heard a man’s voice coming from the glove box. Kato even cocked his head and stared at the glove box, his sister tore the glove box apart but found nothing. My ex had said he was putting a new radio in my truck just a week prior but it was exactly the same as my old one and once he was done the heater stopped working. We had laughed at how he had screwed up the heater but then we put 2 and 2 together and figured he must have put some sort of transmitter in the truck and we must have picked up some air waves of someone’s cell phone or baby monitor or something. I don’t know enough about it to know all the intricate details, I just know he was listening.

Unfortunately, most victims don’t have a witness and when they tell people they aren’t believed because it sounds so far fetched. The police want solid proof not a “feeling” and the narcissist is so good at playing the victim going to the police becomes futile. People think you are paranoid and even you start to doubt your sanity.

After the episode when I returned his call the mechanic where I worked put a new deck on my truck. He came to me with something tiny in his hand and and asked, “Do you have someone who would be stalking you?”

My stomach lurched, “Why?”

He looked and at the thing in his hand, “Do you know what this is?”

Me, “No.”

Him, “It’s a tracking device. I found it under your deck.”

Me, “That little thing? How would he attach it, where was it?”

Him, “It’s magnetic. All he has to do is walk past your truck and slap it under your deck. 2 minutes. And you never know it’s there unless you know what to look for. Even then, I only saw it when I took your deck off.”

I told him about the strange phone call and how I had been getting anonymous complaints to strata etc. He nodded knowingly, “Sure” he said matter of factly. “They call and hang up. If you don’t receive any other calls before you return the call he is automatically connected to your phone, camera, apps, music, whatever. And the kicker is; even if you shut your phone off, if it is in the room with you he can see and hear everything.

I have had a drone outside my window. There are drones capable of crashing your laptop so it never works again. I know!!

I got sick of trying to get people to believe me. I am sure my own family thought I was nuts, I just gave up trying, it made me sound crazy and paranoid.

People say, “Who would do something like that? Why?”

I’ll tell you who does something like that; a psychopath does that. Why? Because he is a psychopath that’s why. And it’s a safe bet it is not in your best interest.

But does a narcissist do something like that? Look. There will be a bunch of narcissist who will tell you that they would never do something like that, they don’t care enough about what their partner or ex is doing to bother.

1. Narcissists are pathological liars, if their lips are moving, they are lying

2. Narcissists never admit to anything, deny deny deny

3. All psychopaths are narcissistic so it is all but impossible for even professional therapists to know the difference. Their traits are so intertwined; by the time you figure out your “run of the mill” narcissist is actually a psychopath; it’s too late and you’re in a fight for your life.

At this point a bunch of psychopaths are wildly typing comments about how they are not killers and I don’t know what the hell I am talking about.

I won’t argue with a psychopath or narcissist; I don’t make random assumptions or state something is fact unless I have experienced it myself or done a lot of research. I fact check everything I type.

Watch some ID TV, Fatal Vows, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Killer You Know, all true stories.

Google search, “How to track my wife”.

“How to get any woman to do anything you want”

“How to hack my wife’s phone”

Do not doubt your gut instincts. Don’t let him guilt you into giving him the benefit of doubt. Your life is hanging in the balance. And No, I am not being melodramatic or an alarmist.

Lowering Your Standards Does Not Raise Your Self Worth

When we “settle” for less than we deserve, whether we realize it or not; our self-worth suffers.

When we met the narcissist we thought he was a high quality person, someone with principles and high standards, someone in line with our high standards and morals. As we got to know him better we started to witness things that hinted he was not as moral as he pretends to be. A questionable business deal, a friendship destroyed by some disloyalty of his, accusations of wrong doing. You might not be able to identify anything specific but your gut is telling you something is off.

You don’t want to falsely accuse him so you don’t confront him at first or if you do, you are careful to not sound accusatory.

With my ex it was when a neighbor offered to let him buy a motorcycle really cheap because it wasn’t running. My ex didn’t have the $400 so the guy said he could pay over time but the bike would stay with him until it was paid for.

My ex immediately started checking Craigslist for Swap/Trade Ads and found one where a guy wanted to trade a BWM for a motorcycle.

He called the guy and was talking like he had just been out for a ride on the bike and had owned it for a couple of years. He told the guy he would bring the bike down and come look at the car.

He went to the owner of the bike and begged to take the bike home so he could work on it so it would be running when he had it paid for. The owner said OK but he was keeping the registration.

My ex had the bike in his shop less than an hour and had it running. He loaded it on his flat deck and drove out of the park we lived in.

When the owner of the bike got home from work all the neighbors told him my ex had left the park with his bike on the truck. He was furious and I didn’t blame him, I was furious. He couldn’t trade something he hadn’t paid for.

My ex came home with the BMW but the owner of the car wouldn’t give him the registration until he got the registration for the bike.

I was pissed! Now what was he going to do? I knew it!! A person should never lie, it always bites you in the ass. But he was not the least bit concerned. He told me to mind my own business, this is how people do business all the time. I had to let it go but it drove me crazy with worry. What were the neighbors thinking? I was such an honest person.

After a week of the two guys calling him constantly wanting the reggie or money he took the wheels off the BMW and sold them for $400, paid for the bike, got the registration and took it to the owner of the BMW.

He bought the bike owner a bottle of wine and everyone was happy.

I thought maybe I was wrong.

There were other questionable deals and he always told me to shut up and mind my own business, I didn’t know anything about wheeling and dealing. People were always getting upset with him, he was accused of stealing but somehow he always avoided being charged with anything.

I thought perhaps I was being too black and white and maybe there were grey areas of the law. I knew I had always been inflexible when it came to breaking the law, drugs, fidelity.

The more I compromised the more he pushed the boundaries. Life with him was a constant contradiction, praising the Lord one day and stealing the next. Being charitable and kind to others and selfish and mean with me.

He would be so sweet butter would melt in his mouth in front of the neighbors but then every time I walked out of the house by myself the neighbors would come running to complain about how inconsiderate he was. I told them to speak to him directly because I had no control over what he did. I had tried to explain why the neighbors were upset about him working in his shop at 2 am, but it seemed the more I tried to explain the more he did it. He enjoyed pissing people off, yet would try to smooth things over and it always worked.

It was as if he was trying to force me down to his level. At times he used my good reputation to his advantage. People would tend to believe he must be telling the truth because an honest person like me wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and I always staunchly defended him. I truly thought he was honest just naive. How naive of ME!! I still wonder about some things being the truth or bullshit.

My God, there were so many questionable incidents and for years I gave him the benefit of doubt explaining over and over again that; if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people think you are stealing. I know it sounds crazy to be explaining that to a 40 year old man but he always has some excuse. It was in the garbage so he took it, someone who doesn’t work there any more gave it to him, the boss said he could take it but forgot he said it or changed his mind.

In the 10 years I was with him I had 3 vehicles stolen and he had 3 stolen and totalled one for the insurance money. (I can’t prove it but I know) Six vehicles stolen in 10 years. But I finally did get smart and would keep my registration hidden from him. Now that is a healthy relationship! You hide the registration from the man you love, your soul mate, what does that tell you?

He got fired from every job he ever had. When he had a job he would work 7 days a week. I think because then he would be alone at work and able to steal shit plus he wanted to make sure no one figured out what he was doing. I have never known anyone who went to work one morning and his key no longer fit the lock on the door and he was fired. They were holding his final pay cheque and his tools box was either confiscated or outside the gate.

It happened to him 3 times! And for half of our relationship he was self employed!

I used to insure his truck because I got a 43% discount on my insurance and he had a 43% surcharge added to his. I signed a transfer and tax form in case something happened to me he could sign it over to his name. He told me he had lost it and gave me another one to sign. I was going to fill out the details like the VIN # and he said not to bother, he would fill it in. He kept losing them and I had signed half a dozen of them until one day I ran into a friend. He was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck from my ex. I offered to drive him to the bank and I asked which truck he was buying. The blue one parked out front? No the yellow one parked out back.

I argued “No, you can’t be, that’s my truck.”

He insisted that was the truck he was buying, he even had a transfer and tax form with my signature on it!!!

Alarm bells, sirens were ringing, lights were flashing, my own foot came up and kicked me in the ass.

Needless to say, he never bought my truck BUT my truck never ran again either.

* Narcissists do not like to be thwarted.

There were distinct stages of denial I went through until I was in full blown cognitive dissonance before I came full circle to reality again. See if you can relate to any of these.

– At first I truly believed with all my heart he was totally honest and could never break the law or lie. How did I know this-he told me. That’s how. And he said it with such conviction. He had this innocent, country boy, charm going on and I defended him ferociously!

– After he had been accused several times of stealing I still told myself he was stupid. He didn’t mean to steal, it was a misunderstanding. How did I know this? Well, because he told me they misunderstood his motives.

– I eventually got to the stage of telling myself I was not responsible for his actions. I would just turn a blind eye to what he was doing in business, his “deals” and lead my life honestly. I stopped trying to “fix” the messes he created.

– There was one problem with not cleaning up his messes. His messes almost definitely automatically became my messes and I would have to deal with them. If he lost his job, we couldn’t pay the rent, we got evicted, I would have to clean up the mess. Guys he has pissed off run us off the road while I’m driving becomes my problem also. Guys he stole from call me and threaten to come over and stay with me until he shows up and they are drunk and yelling about blood flowing and I end up driving around with my dog afraid to go home; it is now MY problem.

– I started to want to warn new friends he made. Like, how do you casually tell someone “don’t do any business deals with him and you might want to start locking your shop. He tends to have a lot of misunderstandings that will cost you money.”

– I started to not tell people he was my boyfriend, especially customers. The voices in my head kept saying, “How can you love someone you are ashamed to admit is your boyfriend?

– I would make deals with myself. If he gets arrested: I am out of here. When I had dumped him one time he came to me saying he had volunteered to go on a missionary trip to Sudan Africa. I thought, “If he actually goes and does this, I will give him another chance.” It took me years to get the truth about what happened in Sudan and it was anything but charitable.

– Finally I could not deny it any longer and could not rationalize it any more. There were no more excuses, I could not turn a blind eye, could not teach him right from wrong, was ashamed to be seen with him, couldn’t trust him to not destroy my truck (in fact I knew without a doubt he WAS sabotaging my truck). I refused to haul anything for him because I was afraid it was stolen. I broke up with him but I made a crucial mistake; I didn’t go no contact.

Any access a narcissist has to you is a bad thing for you!

Miraculously I had managed to retain my good reputation; a person has nothing without their reputation. I was proud of that.

I did not realize how a narcissist operates, well to be honest I didn’t know what I was dealing with at that time. But I have since found out that a narcissist will totally turn the tables on the victim. What he did to you he will say you did to him. The only reason he stole stuff was cuz I drove him to it with my demands for more. I sat my lazy ass on the couch all day drinking, eating bon bons and cracking the whip. He just could not make me happy.

The only reason he screwed around was because I was a suspicious psycho bitch.

He purposely sabotaged my work truck so I couldn’t pay my debts. And he called all my customers with anonymous complaints and then spread the “fake news” so it became fact that I could not be trusted. He called employers as a “concerned citizen”. I figured out what he was doing when I found his blog where he was talking about how a concerned citizen had called my boss. Funny thing is I had purposely not told a soul so if he knew he had to be the one who made the call.

But, having to defend yourself, constantly doing damage control, and wondering who he has talked to, all wears you down. Your self esteem, already low due to his gas lighting and abuse; melts through the cracks.

It makes it so much harder to recover. You either get sick like me and just give up or you move away.

The very best thing you can do? Avoid the whole shit show in the first place! What a novel idea!!

– Don’t trust someone just because they say they are honest – wait and see how they operate over time.

– When you see that their values don’t align with yours. Walk!! Immediately! It is not your job to teach anyone else how to be a good person. If they are over the age of 6 and are lying and stealing it’s too late to change them.

Remember- who you hang out with IS a reflection on you. Are you proud of who you are with? Do you feel perfectly comfortable telling anyone what goes on behind closed doors? Would you want your best friend or daughter dating this guy?

My ex used to say I made him look like an asshole when I talked to people about our relationship. My reply was, “If telling the truth makes you look like an asshole, maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

You should never have to lie or cover for your partner. Sure there are things you don’t talk about, like your sex life but you should never have to lie or make excuses for the person you love.

Ten Rules For Doing No Contact

no cell

It seems many people, women in particular; think going no contact is some sort of dating strategy/game. In actual fact it is a safety measure, the only way you will ever heal and should be done for YOU, not to teach him a lesson and prolong the relationship.

So many times I get asked, “I have initiated no contact, what will the narcissist do now?” “I am doing no contact with my N, and now he has blocked me on Facebook, what does that mean?” It means you are not doing no contact right because if you were you would not even know he has blocked you. 

I know it is terribly hard to not know what the narcissist is doing, you have spent the whole relationship trying to figure out what he was up to, tried to solve the puzzle but you have to give up the addiction. You CAN do this and once you do it, you will be surprised how quickly you start to feel better and start to fear and avoid any chance of running into him because you know it is never a good thing for you when you do.

The rules of no contact are as follows:

1.Block him on every single social media site, Facebook, Instagram he or you are on

2. Block his emails on all your email accounts

3. Block his text messages and calls – I had to change my phone number and lost customers for my business because of it; some people are just not willing to do that. BUT you no longer have that excuse because there are free apps out there all you have to do is Google “Blocking someone from texting or calling” and then look for instructions for your type of phone. There are you tube videos for iphone and Android. With my Samsung Galaxy you go into Messages, click on Settings, scroll to the bottom and click on Spam, from there you turn on Spam settings and you can then add numbers, names, or phrases you want to block. Easy Peasy.

4. Tell all your friends you don’t want to hear what he is doing, unless they think your life is in danger they should keep it to themselves if they see him with another woman etc. You may think you want to know what he is doing but trust me, you don’t really. It is only going to hurt and keep him in your mind and heart. There is no way knowing he has another woman or hear the shit he is saying about you is ever going to be good for you. Some “friends” just can not handle keeping it to themselves and will tell you anyway. You have to ask yourself why a friend would not abide by your request and would want to do anything that hurts you. For them proceed to #5

5. Cut all mutual friends who refuse to take sides or can’t refrain from “sharing” with you; out of your life totally. I know, I know, why should you lose the friends? that is hardly fair!! Well, for one thing; this is when you are going to discover who your friends really are.

Any friend who refuses to choose sides because “the N was always nice to them”,

is not a friend of yours.

6. This can be another really hard thing to do but you must cut all his family out of your life. I know his mom and you are SO close and you don’t want to hurt her feelings but blood is thicker than water when push comes to shove. Also, they could quite innocently tell the N something about you that could really end up hurting you. My ex father in law was always “on my side”, he even helped me leave my ex. After I left my ex my father-in-law would call me a couple of times a year just to see how I was doing. I told him in the beginning I didn’t want to discuss my ex or hear how he was doing because it hurt too much and he respected my wishes. We would discuss all sorts of things and he was very supportive and happy about any success I had with work etc. I owed him some money and I paid him off. He saw my ex for his true colors.

One day I got a call from him and just the way he was talking made me feel something was up but I ignored my gut and when he asked where I was living now I answered. Two days later I saw my ex drive past, a week later there was a drone outside my window, and someone anonymously reported me to welfare and I was immediately cut off, there were also anonymous complaints made to the management company where I lived.
I am sure he didn’t mean to cause trouble for me but my ex must have told some lie about me. Narcissists are such good liars, even the most astute person can accidentally set you up and put you in grave danger.

7. Do not tell him you are going no contact. I don’t care that you are not like that, that you want closure or to stay friends; you are not dealing with a normal person, you will not get the desired response. He will take every opportunity he can to place the blame back on you, he will NOT feel remorse or take any blame ever! He will know why you have gone no contact, or he should; he is not stupid. He treated you like shit, if he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t deserve an explanation, too bad.

8. There is going to be times you have an Aha moment, when you find out something or just put pieces of the puzzle together and you are going to want to share your new found insight. Don’t!! He is not going to appreciate anything you have to say, see #7. Be thankful for the gained insight and call a friend or come here and share but do not call him.

9.The more time that goes past you are going to start to feel stronger and may feel you really want to give him a piece of your mind, really rip him a new asshole. Don’t! It may feel good at the time but it will be short lived. It will only put him back in your life, he will say something to make you doubt yourself and next thing you know you are right back where he always puts you, in misery and self doubt.

10. There are going to be times you have a problem you feel only he can handle. The furnace that only he can get going, the flat tire only he can fix, the dog died, he has mail at the house. There is no good reason to ever have contact with him. Send his mail back “Moved, address unknown”, find someone, anyone else to help you fix whatever needs fixing.

But what if you have children with the Narc? or property that needs to be divided? That does make things a little bit tougher but avoid calling him and do it all through email or communicate through a trusted friend or better yet a lawyer. Keep all conversations short and to the point, never discuss your personal life. If you are discussing the kids, you should have a legal visitation agreement done up, so any conversations should be pretty straight forward. If he is not living up to his end of the deal you do not argue, beg, or threaten. The kids have a narcissist for a parent, they are going to have to deal with that and you can not protect them any more than sticking to any agreed upon visitation. Keep detailed notes of any time he disappoints the kids, doesn’t pay his child support or misses his visitation days; when you have enough evidence you take him to court. Do not try to work with him, yes other couples can work things out where there is flexibility and give and take; this is not possible with an N. Sharing custody with a narcissist is a whole other post for another day. The urge will pass and you will be glad you didn’t call. If you do call you will regret it. Come on, have you ever called and had it be a good thing? You know he will make you feel like crap. You keep hoping this time will be different. I am telling you, even if he was nice this time, it will not last and you know it.

It really doesn’t take that long before you won’t want to call because you will start to feel so much better you will actually fear contact because you never want to feel the way he makes you feel, again.

But I can’t help it, I HAVE to call, I can’t stop myself. Yes. You. Can. it just takes will power, you will not die. If a heroine addict can quit so can you. Pace the floor, go for a walk, call a friend, come in here, take a long hot bath, write him a letter saying everything you think you need to say and never send it, ANYTHING but call.

 

Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?

I have always believed honesty is the best policy.  No matter what, when it comes right down to it, if you don’t know what to do; go with honesty and let the pieces fall where they may. Lying only perpetuates more lying and almost invariably it will back fire in your face. Lying about other people is a real sore spot with me, mainly because I have been the victim of a smear campaign and dealt with people who chose to believe the lies and refuse to even entertain the idea that they are believing lies. I have had to end friendship’s with people who believed the lies even though they professed to not be taking sides. Sometimes there is no choice, people have to choose sides because if they don’t they are condoning or agreeing with the lies or behavior. 

I really hate dealing with conflict and have always preferred to keep the peace at all cost but I have found since the narcissist I have anxiety attacks at the first sign of dishonesty or if I hear slander or gossip. 

I suppose that’s because while with my ex the honesty line got blurred from black and white to a solid grey and eventually the narcissistic fog obliterated it from sight all together.

My ex was forever being accused of stealing and every job he ever had was lost due to being “falsely” accused of stealing. He lied about cheating on me, about how much money he made, he lied about having 6 months to live for God sake!

He lied when he didn’t even have to lie. It got to the point I just automatically assumed he was lying and was pleasantly surprised when he wasn’t. 

In the beginning I would bring him up on it if I caught him lying. (*hint. If you have to teach a full grown man about the virtues of honesty. Run!!) 

I thought the lying was a rare thing and due to low self confidence or out of fear of losing me. Haha. Rather ironic, I believed he lied about inconsequencial things because he had lied to me about how all the women in his life had screwed him over and left him. I was going to show him what real love was all about. Gawd! Thinking back I was SO naive!

 As time went on I realized his lies weren’t always so innocent and I would try to tell him it was wrong to lie. (If you find yourself trying to teach a grown man how to be a responsible adult, run!)  

I struggled with his lies; I was embarrassed by them, it went against my values and it bothered me.  

Cognitive dissonance had me telling myself that his actions weren’t a reflection on me. I was not responsible for his actions as long as I remained honest. It was not my position to act as judge and jury. 

But it doesn’t work that way. If you live with a liar you are assumed to also be a liar. If you are an honest person and you know your significant other is scamming someone is it your responsibility to warn them? 

Does it depend on the severity of the crime? If you are the wife of a man who sexually abuses under-age girls and you know. As long as you don’t participate in it are you responsible for ensuring he doesn’t abuse any more girls? Should you be punished for turning a blind eye?

As we are seeing now with various celebrities bring accused of molesting women; are the people who knew about it and didn’t say anything also guilty?

As much as I told myself his actions weren’t a reflection on me, I noticed I had become very cautious about who I told he was my boyfriend. I started wanting to warn people, I was not proud to be his girlfriend.   

After losing a 3rd job for being falsely accused of stealing, I found myself explaining to him that when you take things that don’t belong to you people tend to think you are stealing. People are funny that way. (*hint. If anyone is over the age of 3 and doesn’t know this. Run!!)

I had to ask myself why I was with someone I was ashamed to admit I was with? But by that time I was in so deep I didn’t see a way out. He had sabotaged my truck to the point it was only running maybe a 1/3 of the time. The repairs kept me broke, I was fighting a losing battle. 

He started to not come home at night and I didn’t even lose sleep. I knew to get angry was useless. I had gotten really good at suppressing my emotions. If I cried I heard, “That’s all you ever do is cry”. If I got angry I heard, “This is exactly why I don’t come home. You’re always angry!” If I was suspicious I was called jealous and paranoid. I started keeping track of every time I cried or got angry on a calendar. 

But I never left. So I just prayed he would tell me a good enough lie that I could lie to myself. I knew he was lying, that wasn’t the point; I didn’t believe anything he said anyway. But as long as he was lying I didn’t have to face reality. As long as he was lying he still “cared” and I still had a glimmer of hope that maybe he wasn’t lying this time and he really did love me. 

All victims of a narcissist live on hope and that is the hardest thing to lose. The victim knows he abuses her and treats her like shit, she knows he is cheating, she knows he is lying but she has hope. Hope is a big thing, without hope it’s hard to find a reason to go on. 

* NOTE * He is not the only one playing mind games, the worst ones are the games we play on ourselves!

I kept hearing this voice in my head saying, “How can you be with someone you are ashamed of and don’t respect?

After I left him I felt hopeless and of course he took every opportunity to make me feel hopeless. I felt totally broken and I didn’t have a clue how to put me back together, I could not ever get my innocence back. I have compared it to feeling like a puzzle someone dumped on the floor. But pieces were missing and pieces from another puzzle were mixed in. I was overwhelmed to the point of immobility. 

I knew in order to be happy I had to live according to my moral standards and if I was living with someone who was consistently dishonest I wasn’t living true to my core self.

How was I going to put myself back together and ever find my core self, who was I? 

I started the process the same way I would start putting a puzzle together; one piece at a time.

I looked at every horrible thing he told me I was. I owned what was true about me and I threw out what wasn’t. The things that were true but I didn’t like; I vowed to change.

This analysis of myself took me back to when I was a child and things I was told about myself when I was growing up. I had always been told I was “too sensitive”, I was a “flake”, I was never good enough, skinny enough, out going enough. Without even realizing it I had spent most of my life feeling like an impostor who could be exposed at any minute because I was trying to be what other people told me I should be.

When you are not living true to your core self it is impossible to have inner peace and it is very easy for a narcissist to make you feel “less than”.

Somehow I knew that if I could figure out who I was at the core and liked me that was going to be 1/2 the battle of protecting myself from another narcissist.

It has gotten easier over time, (7 years) to not succumb to the pressure from my ego. Our ego gets us in big trouble you know. My mother has a technique that my ex used also. They want you to do something or agree with them that someone else is wrong so they say something like, “You would never do something like that.” Or “You always help me, not like so and so.” My ex would say something like, “you are nothing like my ex’s, I can talk to you. You are calm and rational. All my ex’s were psycho bitches.”  It makes you better, favorable.  

* Later when he was calling ME a psycho bitch I said.

” I would be concerned if I was you.”

He grinned and snorted, “and why is that?”

Me: “Well, all your exs were psycho bitches and now you are calling me a psycho bitch.”

Him: “Yeah. So.”

Me: “Well. I’ve been thinking. Either you are attracted to psycho bitches, or you turn women into psycho bitches. Either way; you have a real problem.”

It is human nature to want to compare favorably to others, to be the “best” and it’s a very subtle way of getting someone to comply.

I have had a dilemma lately where someone I know has been lying a lot about other people and being vengeful to make herself look better. Privately I have brought her up on it. I have been trying to not play into their drama and pity party stating outright I refused to get pulled into the dysfunction. I thought I had it under control, but then they lied before I had a chance to run interference and I exposed them. 

They went on a tearful campaign proclaiming their innocence and I was made to look like the bad guy and now everyone is angry with me.

With a relationship with a narcissist I always advise going no contact but sometimes that is not possible or not easy, say; with a parent or sibling. 

I have had people come into the blog asking what they can do about the sibling who constantly makes trouble and lie’s about them or a parent that causes drama but always comes away smelling like a rose. I never know what to say and these recent events reminded me what a helpless feeling it is to deal with these toxic people. 

They won’t kill you and are not as blatant as most narcissists but damaging none the less. If it is a family member, to go no contact means you lose your whole family. You sit at home for Christmas, you are the one who is made to feel the pariah. 

It’s not so easy to live true to your core self and set boundaries when you face losing your whole family.

Have you ever dealt with a toxic family member? How did you handle it? Did you turn a blind eye or speak out? What was the outcome?