Tag Archives: obsessing

The #1 Lie The Narcissist Wants The Victim To Believe

no bullshit

Not My Bull

Not My Bullshit

There is a common misconception that drove me and many other victims of a narcissist crazy. The casual observer is guilty of making the same  erroneous assumption; which is…….. if the next woman stays longer than you did, they must be happy and getting along, she must know some secret to remaining happy while with the narcissist. The narcissist loves to rub the previous victim’s nose in it too, loving to point out how this woman is still with him. So YOU must be flawed in some way.

First of all, longevity says nothing about how happy the woman is or how harmonious their relationship is. I have had people say to me, “Well, he’s still with the next woman.” So? and your point is? It is making a statement without making a statement, or it sure feels like it to the victim. For one thing, you are supposed to have cut all mutual friends out of your life so you wouldn’t hear shit exactly like this. Who needs it??

Secondly, how happy were you while you were with him? Sure, you stayed, but were you happy? No, he treated you like shit! behind closed doors he treated you like dirt under his feet, but you looked happy out in public too, didn’t you? because in public he treated you good; especially when you first started dating. You can bet there was an ex sitting somewhere watching you and him and thinking, “They look so happy. It must have been me.”

My ex worked at keeping our relationship somewhat intact until we passed the magic 10 year mark because that is how long his last long term relationship lasted and his ex had said it would never last. He knew it would really bother her for us to last longer than they did. The victim always feels, “He will never find some woman to love him the way I do, who will put up with what I do.” The thing is though, he has told her a bunch of lies and now he blames his bad behavior on the abuse he suffered with the last woman, ALL the women he has ever been with……..except you of course.

Wanna know a secret? I never allowed myself to believe that shit, sure, there were times my mind went down that path and I hauled it’s ass right off of that train of thought the minute it took the self depreciating detour to “what’s she got that I don’t have land?”

The only thing you know for sure is how he treated you, everything else is hearsay and speculation. You need to only concern yourself with things you have first hand knowledge of and have any control over.  Everyone has their own history, personal experience, personality, weaknesses, strengths, and hangups. Everyone handles things in their own way, what worked for you won’t necessarily work for someone else and everyone has their own emotional limit; their last straw, for whatever reason,is not the same as your last straw. For reasons only she knows, she is hanging in longer than you did or he has found more resources to drain her of. OR he knows it is driving you crazy and is working double time to hide his true self from the new woman so she won’t dump his ass.

Leopard’s don’t change their spots, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. No one treats one person as badly as the N treated you and does a complete 180 with the next person he meets, because a nice, caring person would never treat anyone the way the N treated you, no matter what kind of nasty bitch you were.

If some other woman is sticking it out with him maybe she is more gullible than you were, not as smart, in deeper, thinks she has too much to lose, or too far gone down the toxic rabbit hole to see the light of day. It does not mean he has changed or there was/is anything wrong with you.

My ex has been with the “new” woman almost 8 years and with every year that they are together I feel a bit better; Thank God I am not the only woman who got sucked in, I was not the stupidest!! I would have felt worse if she would have picked up on what he is a lot sooner than I did, THEN I would feel there must be something wrong with me.

No matter what; there is no way we can know for sure what is going on behind their closed doors, and it does no good whatsoever to dwell on something we have no control over and does not affect us in any way. It only affects us when we let it. We DO have control over what we choose to think about and obsess about.

Practice saying, “Not my , not my monkey.”

OR Not my bull, not my bullshit.

I am a dog owner and I gladly pick up my dog’s shit every single day, it’s part of the job being a dog owner. Well, being involved with a narcissist requires pickup their bullshit, but you don’t have to, you choose to. We all have choices. Believe me, a dog will never treat you as badly as the narcissist, if you love picking up shit, get a dog. It will be a lot more loving and loyal.

 

Law Of Attraction Is Powerful – Don’t Make The Same Mistake I Did

ice and fireBe careful what you think about, it just might manifest itself! and when I say “mistake” I am not saying I am sorry it turned out the way it did really, I just would have worked more on improving MY life and not thought about him at all. But what is done is done and I shall pass it along in hopes you learn from my err of judgment.

This post is about how I accidentally manifested the other woman for my then narcissistic partner.

I didn’t know I was doing it, manifesting I mean; I was actually trying to make myself feel better. Telling myself that it would impossible for my ex to ever find the type of woman he needed to be happy.

After years of never jumping high enough, dancing fast enough, giving enough blow jobs, always being told I created drama and we all know how much the narcissist hates conflict! Him sabotaging my jobs yet going on rants and rages about how much money I was costing him. Sabotaging my truck and then complaining bitterly about having to rescue me when my truck broke down. Him literally refusing to buy food and me having to eat porridge for a week while he ate out everyday and brought take out home for himself or handed me a take out container with the left overs of his burger in it and expect me to be thankful that he “bought me supper”. No, you just handed me your garbage, I would rather starve than eat your soggy French fries. Then we would finally get groceries and I would make supper and he would go on and on about how it was about time I cooked a decent meal!

When he would go on one of his rants about how ungrateful I was and it was “over” he had had enough of “this” I would console myself with thoughts of exactly what kind of woman would make him happy.

For one thing she would have to have enough money to keep him in the life style he wanted to live and carry him whenever he got fired, which was every few months BUT she would have to be independently wealthy because he would not want her working. He was younger than me, so only 45 at the time, not so easy to find a financially independent woman at that age who doesn’t need to work.

But even if he did manage to find one she had better not have children because he would not like sharing her attention with kids and there really should not be an ex husband either because that would just be one more person occupying her time. While we are at it, it would be best if she didn’t have pets either because James always bitched that I loved Kato (my dog) more than him, and cooked the dog better meals. (I knew the dog would be home for supper.)

She would have to have been raised by wolves or in a convent because she would have to be very naïve and gullible to put up with the 2nd On-line life he led. She could not be an independent strong woman, which is getting harder to find these days; she would have to be a woman who loved to cater to a man and put herself last and she would have to not have any needs, desires, or dreams of her own and live only to please him.
By the time I would go through the whole list of prerequisites any woman would have to possess to be with him I was confident;  he would never find a woman better than me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this imaginary woman and by the time I left him I was fairly confident he would not be finding a woman to take my place any time soon. After all, he had been fired for stealing again, owned nothing, not a stick of furniture, nothing. Did not have a dime and drove an old car with a broken windshield that was actually in MY name.  He was a slob who showered rarely and always looked like he rolled in something that didn’t smell good. Who would want him? Why did I want him? I didn’t, I told myself. He will regret the day he lost me, I was sure of that. No other woman would put up with what I had, no woman!!

Quite by accident one day while searching the net to see if he had posted those videos he had secretly taped of us having sex, I came across his blog. He even stated in his blog that he was going to pick 10 women on Plenty Of Fish and by process of elimination narrow it down to 2 or 3 and then see which one worked the hardest to get him. How cocky of him!! I still consoled myself with thoughts of the this nonexistence woman he would have to find to be happy.

He wrote about these women who took him out for supper and then went home with him and screwed his brains out. What was wrong with these women? Did they have no pride? But they all worked, they had kids, they had ex husbands.

I hate to admit it but I was still seeing him at least once a week, not having sex with him and not allowing him to come to where I lived but seeing him none the less. We had been for dinner one night (yes I bought him dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, shoot me!) he was very loving and walked me to my truck, kissed me good night and said he loved me. He was supposed to be leaving the province in a week or two for a job and I was looking forward to him being out of sight out of mind.

The next day the police called to see if I knew where my car was because it was parked on the corner of such a such street with the keys in it. The cop told me he had seen it parked there many times and they were not going to tow it, they just wanted to make sure I knew where it was. Strange.

I went up and discovered he was seeing a married woman, long story short I almost drove over him with my truck but got my wits about me in time. I was shattered again. The next day he took great pleasure in telling me that he had moved in with the “love of his life” and it was not the married woman. He had left her house and driven straight to another woman’s house and broke down in her driveway and was now living there.

He could barely contain his glee as he told me all about her. First thing he said was, “She’s a widow.” Well no, that is not the very first thing he said. he started the conversation by saying he was now semi-retired. THEN he said she was a widow, and the exact same age as him, their birthdays were 2 weeks apart. He went on, she owned her home, rented out the top half and living in the bottom half. He was driving her brand new Honda Pilot, she owned holiday property on a west coast island, she didn’t have children, didn’t have pets, had never worked and always been a house wife, she had a very sheltered upbringing and was very naïve. When he was late she cooked supper and left it wrapped in cellophane on the counter for him. She was frugal and still owned her first set of pots and pans (like I give a damn!)

As he listed off all her qualities like listing off the features of a home you want to buy, 3 bedrooms, 2 and 1/2 baths and easy to maintain, move in ready!

And that is what he did, she got a ride to his place (he was driving her Pilot so had to get her niece to drive her) and packed him up, cleaned the place and moved him in within the first week. Within the first 6 weeks she had lent him $20,000 and he was talking about how HIS shop at the house was too small and he wanted to move. By the 2nd year she had sold her house, bought a home 9 hours drive from all her friends and family  and he had bought a truck, Harley, 10 ton truck, semi, and God only knows how many guitars. She is not the most attractive woman and I am sure he has made her feel damn lucky to have a good looking rebel without a cause like him.

And he has me to thank for it all. I manifested the whole damn thing!! SO, if you are sitting there obsessing about how happy your ex is, how he is doing everything for the new woman that you ever wanted and more! and dwelling how your life sucks and you will never find happiness….. STOP, just stop it right now!!  Quit giving him your power!! If you insist on thinking about him at least envision him treating her as badly as he treated you, picture her waiting at home for a phone call or texting and him not replying. picture her crying and him screaming at her that is he is “Sick of THIS! all you do is cry and create conflict!!” it is much closer to the truth and why attract anything good into his life by thinking about it!

This is you, without the narcissist sucking you dry. hold this thought!

This is you, without the narcissist sucking you dry. hold this thought!

I want you to envision yourself being wined and dined and appreciated by a good intentioned man who respects you. Picture money flowing freely to you from all areas, envision being vibrant, healthy, full of life and laughter. Don’t give up! it won’t be easy at first, you have to work at it until it becomes a habit. You can do this!!!

Even if you don’t believe in the laws of attraction, thinking about him being happy is making you miserable so you have nothing to lose by giving it a try!

Come on, for me, just try it.