Why being self sufficient is so important
When I was posting about the fellow who had a place for me to put a trailer I mentioned I feared there would be strings attached. I hate to sound untrusting and suspicious or to insinuate that a man would never do anything nice for a woman without wanting something in return. Mind you I didn’t get any indignant comments from men saying “How dare you assume a man would only do something nice because he has ulterior motives”
When I was with JC we split up many times, he would tell me it was over and I would move out and then he would “see the light” and start coming around again, during these times of being split I would try to not call him if I needed something; I would try to work it out on my own and if I could it was very rewarding and empowering. He always said, “You’ll never find another man who will rescue you like I do.” I would think, I won’t need rescuing as much if you aren’t around because no other man would sabotage my truck.
I also found that when I was with JC men didn’t offer to help me as much as when we were split, but I think that was because when I was with JC they assumed, (seeing as he was a heavy duty mechanic) he would fix my truck. I think that is a nature assumption and something most men would automatically do for the woman they love but not JC. Life was always tougher when I was with JC, he was sabotaging my truck, I didn’t have help from any one else and when he did fix my truck he expected to be paid for doing it and complained bitterly about having to do it.
When I have been on my own I have had 3 men at one time trying to get my truck going and not all of them have wanted “something” for their efforts. But there have been the times I have been very disappointed in men and made to feel cheap (for lack of a better word). One such experience is with a man “A” who has been friends with JC and me for going on 10 years. JC and he were best buddies for a long time and then “A” started accusing him of stealing, hired him to do some work for him and had to fire him. They are still “friends” but “A” has no illusions about JC’s true nature. Anyway, I borrowed money from “A” a few years back when JC and I were split, I was paying him back a bit at a time, I traded some equipment I got as scrap that he wanted and had a couple hundred left owing to him. I must add, he is married and I am friends with his wife, JC and I have been to dinner at their home, had coffee with them many times, I really like his wife. The fact that he is married, whether I know and like his wife is irrelevant, means he is “hands off”. I have never flirted with him, I truly thought he was happily married and I loved them as a couple. He started mentioning that he and his wife never had sex any more and seeing as I wasn’t with JC any more I must be lonely. I told him in no uncertain terms I would never have sex with a married man period. But he persisted, inviting me to go away with him, calling to take me for dinner and making sexual remarks and I kept telling him it would never happen; we were friends, him, me and his wife!!
Then one day I met “A” at Tim Horton’s because I had some steel I thought he might want to buy. As I was walking away I said, “I haven’t forgotten I still owe you money” and he said, “I am sure we could work out a way you could repay me.” I just laughed and pretended to take it as a joke. But I thought about it and got more and more offended, he was treating me like a prostitute and we were friends; or I thought we were friends. It hurt, and it damaged our friendship.
I stopped going by his shop, if I had something I thought he’d want I didn’t bother contacting him except when I paid him what I owed him. Finally months later he called and asked why I hadn’t been coming around and I told him that he had really offended me, I thought we were friends, and he treated me like a prostitute. He apologized and I accepted his apology. He said he had a load of scrap for me if I wanted to come over he would load it on my truck. I went over and things were a little tense but we joked and got it loaded. I thought “A” and I had reached an understanding and started doing business with him again, had coffee with his wife and tried to go back to the way things were. Then this last time JC and I split my truck wouldn’t start and I called “A” for help. Right away he started asking me to go away with him again so I have had to curtail all contact with him and that is a shame.
The other incident happened when my truck was down while I was still with JC. I called a fellow scrapper who had offered to help me if I ever needed it (also married), I asked if he wasn’t too busy could he take me around to do some of my pickups and I would pay him. He agreed and we did that a couple of days a week, I wasn’t making much money from it because I had to pay him but it was keeping my customers happy and giving me some pocket money so I wasn’t having to ask JC for money or food. I never used to wear a bra, and one day he reached across the pickup truck and literally flicked my nipple and said something about not wearing a bra. I slapped his hand away so hard my hand hurt for 2 days and I told him if he ever did that again he’d lose his hand. Late he apologized but I never got him to drive me around after that and it totally ruined any friendship we had.
The other experience was a couple of years ago. I had responded to a Craig’s List ad giving away a free leather couch. I got there and there was no leather couch, just an ugly flowered one and I said no thanks. He was a nice older man and said he’d call me if he got a leather couch (he worked for a furniture manufacturer and they gave away the slightly damaged product). A few days later he called to ask me if I would help a friend of his move. The old guy was disabled and on a pension and was moving out of a bed bug infested apartment building into a nice basement suite and needed help.
I was in a tough spot financially at the time, I had my truck insurance due in two days, I had enough fuel to do my pickups for the day and get to Amix and back home, and I had no money. I had an engine that needed to be picked up but my winch remote was broken and I had planned on working, getting enough money to fix my winch, picking up the engine and getting enough money to pay my insurance.
I said I couldn’t afford it and he said the poor guy was stuck; they had man power but no truck. I agreed to do it on the stipulation that the boxes would be packed down stairs and ready to go on the truck when I got there.
Well, I got there and there were no boxes ready to be loaded and no man power. The neighborhood was so bad that I couldn’t leave my truck unattended with anything on the deck because someone would walk away with it. The man who had asked me to do the favor wasn’t even there, I called him and he said he was on his way and to go up to whatever number the apartment was. Up there I met Cliff and Herb. Herb had been sucked in by “A” to help and had an important appointment to attend at noon. Cliff walked with a cane and certainly couldn’t pack boxes so Herb and I went to work. Herb was the most interesting man, he was a Christian and had many interesting thoughts on evolution and interpretations of the bible; he also had a great sense of humor. We worked well together and laughed and talked the whole time we were loading. He went and made a phone call to say he wouldn’t make his appointment and we kept working until we had the truck loaded. Then he met me at the new place and we unloaded everything at 5 pm. The whole day was spent and I hadn’t made a dime.
Cliff was so grateful he was in tears and I was pleased I had been able to help. I didn’t say anything about my situation and thought oh well, I was sick about the fact that I didn’t have money for my insurance but I had enough fuel to get home and I thought what can I do?
Then Cliff handed me $25 and said he wished he had more to give me, I gave it back to him and said I couldn’t possibly take it; he insisted and I thanked him very much. Herb and I exchanged business cards and had a few more laughs out by our vehicles. It had been such a bizarre day for both of us, we had both missed what we had planned but we’d really enjoyed our selves. It was a God thing; you know?
As I was heading home in a fantastic mood for someone who was absolutely broke, I thought, “Maybe I have enough money to buy the parts I need to fix my remote myself”. I stopped at Princess auto, picked up a switch, some wire, and other things I thought I’d need and took them to the counter and asked the guy there if he thought this was what I needed to fix my winch remote control; he said it was. I hadn’t noticed a guy standing behind me who was listening to my conversation with the sales person but when I walked away this man came up to me and said, “Put that stuff back, you’re wasting your money. I have what you need.” I told him I needed to fix my winch remote and he said he had everything I needed at home and to meet him at Tim Horton’s in ½ an hour. I put the stuff back that I had picked out and went to Timmy’s. He showed up just as he had promised and not only brought about 20’ of power cord for my winch but the whole control and he brought me a soldering gun, and solder. He had it fixed in about half an hour; while he was working he was telling me his family was camped at a campsite waiting for him. They were camped and he went to work during the day and then back to the campsite at night. I thanked him profusely for taking the time to do this for me and he said not to worry about it he was happy to do it. I thought, “wow! A married man who did something nice and didn’t try anything”. He said to give him my card because he had some scrap he needed hauled away.
Because now I had a winch I was able to pick up the engine and sell it to pay for my truck insurance. God works in mysterious ways.
True to his word the guy called a week or so later and asked me to haul his scrap away. I met his wife and kids and when I was done he asked if I would make enough on the scrap for it to be worth coming out. I assured him I would but he insisted I meet him at the gas station and he filled my tank with fuel. Again I thanked him profusely and said I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you; and he said I could give him a hug.
He started calling me every couple of weeks to see how I was doing; then JC and I got back together. This guy started telling me how unhappy his marriage was and hugs started to turn into a hug with an ass grab and then he wanted kisses and I had to end the friendship.
I was disillusioned and now I am suspicious of any man who says they just want to help me out of the goodness of their heart.
I know there are women who would sleep with a guy just to get something they need but I never could and never would and it offends me that a man thinks I would. Like I said I have had a man help me without attaching any strings so I am not saying all men are like this.
The thing is; when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, for a man to help her and expect sex for his efforts he is reabusing her, objectifying her just like the abuser she left. Or that’s the way I felt. Comments?
Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.