Tag Archives: Paranoid

When There Are Strings Attached

Why being self sufficient is so important

When I was posting about the fellow who had a place for me to put a trailer I mentioned I feared there would be strings attached. I hate to sound untrusting and suspicious or to insinuate that a man would never do anything nice for a woman without wanting something in return. Mind you I didn’t get any indignant comments from men saying “How dare you assume a man would only do something nice because he has ulterior motives”

When I was with JC we split up many times, he would tell me it was over and I would move out and then he would “see the light” and start coming around again, during these times of being split I would try to not call him if I needed something; I would try to work it out on my own and if I could it was very rewarding and empowering. He always said, “You’ll never find another man who will rescue you like I do.” I would think, I won’t need rescuing as much if you aren’t around because no other man would sabotage my truck.

I also found that when I was with JC men didn’t offer to help me as much as when we were split, but I think that was because when I was with JC they assumed, (seeing as he was a heavy duty mechanic) he would fix my truck. I think that is a nature assumption and something most men would automatically do for the woman they love but not JC. Life was always tougher when I was with JC, he was sabotaging my truck, I didn’t have help from any one else and when he did fix my truck he expected to be paid for doing it and complained bitterly about having to do it.

When I have been on my own I have had 3 men at one time trying to get my truck going and not all of them have wanted “something” for their efforts. But there have been the times I have been very disappointed in men and made to feel cheap (for lack of a better word). One such experience is with a man “A” who has been friends with JC and me for going on 10 years. JC and he were best buddies for a long time and then “A” started accusing him of stealing, hired him to do some work for him and had to fire him. They are still “friends” but “A” has no illusions about JC’s true nature. Anyway, I borrowed money from “A” a few years back when JC and I were split, I was paying him back a bit at a time, I traded some equipment I got as scrap that he wanted and had a couple hundred left owing to him. I must add, he is married and I am friends with his wife, JC and I have been to dinner at their home, had coffee with them many times, I really like his wife. The fact that he is married, whether I know and like his wife is irrelevant, means he is “hands off”. I have never flirted with him, I truly thought he was happily married and I loved them as a couple. He started mentioning that he and his wife never had sex any more and seeing as I wasn’t with JC any more I must be lonely. I told him in no uncertain terms I would never have sex with a married man period. But he persisted, inviting me to go away with him, calling to take me for dinner and making sexual remarks and I kept telling him it would never happen; we were friends, him, me and his wife!!
Then one day I met “A” at Tim Horton’s because I had some steel I thought he might want to buy. As I was walking away I said, “I haven’t forgotten I still owe you money” and he said, “I am sure we could work out a way you could repay me.” I just laughed and pretended to take it as a joke. But I thought about it and got more and more offended, he was treating me like a prostitute and we were friends; or I thought we were friends. It hurt, and it damaged our friendship.

I stopped going by his shop, if I had something I thought he’d want I didn’t bother contacting him except when I paid him what I owed him. Finally months later he called and asked why I hadn’t been coming around and I told him that he had really offended me, I thought we were friends, and he treated me like a prostitute. He apologized and I accepted his apology. He said he had a load of scrap for me if I wanted to come over he would load it on my truck. I went over and things were a little tense but we joked and got it loaded. I thought “A” and I had reached an understanding and started doing business with him again, had coffee with his wife and tried to go back to the way things were. Then this last time JC and I split my truck wouldn’t start and I called “A” for help. Right away he started asking me to go away with him again so I have had to curtail all contact with him and that is a shame.

The other incident happened when my truck was down while I was still with JC. I called a fellow scrapper who had offered to help me if I ever needed it (also married), I asked if he wasn’t too busy could he take me around to do some of my pickups and I would pay him. He agreed and we did that a couple of days a week, I wasn’t making much money from it because I had to pay him but it was keeping my customers happy and giving me some pocket money so I wasn’t having to ask JC for money or food. I never used to wear a bra, and one day he reached across the pickup truck and literally flicked my nipple and said something about not wearing a bra. I slapped his hand away so hard my hand hurt for 2 days and I told him if he ever did that again he’d lose his hand. Late he apologized but I never got him to drive me around after that and it totally ruined any friendship we had.

The other experience was a couple of years ago. I had responded to a Craig’s List ad giving away a free leather couch. I got there and there was no leather couch, just an ugly flowered one and I said no thanks. He was a nice older man and said he’d call me if he got a leather couch (he worked for a furniture manufacturer and they gave away the slightly damaged product). A few days later he called to ask me if I would help a friend of his move. The old guy was disabled and on a pension and was moving out of a bed bug infested apartment building into a nice basement suite and needed help.

I was in a tough spot financially at the time, I had my truck insurance due in two days, I had enough fuel to do my pickups for the day and get to Amix and back home, and I had no money. I had an engine that needed to be picked up but my winch remote was broken and I had planned on working, getting enough money to fix my winch, picking up the engine and getting enough money to pay my insurance.
I said I couldn’t afford it and he said the poor guy was stuck; they had man power but no truck. I agreed to do it on the stipulation that the boxes would be packed down stairs and ready to go on the truck when I got there.

Well, I got there and there were no boxes ready to be loaded and no man power. The neighborhood was so bad that I couldn’t leave my truck unattended with anything on the deck because someone would walk away with it. The man who had asked me to do the favor wasn’t even there, I called him and he said he was on his way and to go up to whatever number the apartment was. Up there I met Cliff and Herb. Herb had been sucked in by “A” to help and had an important appointment to attend at noon. Cliff walked with a cane and certainly couldn’t pack boxes so Herb and I went to work. Herb was the most interesting man, he was a Christian and had many interesting thoughts on evolution and interpretations of the bible; he also had a great sense of humor. We worked well together and laughed and talked the whole time we were loading. He went and made a phone call to say he wouldn’t make his appointment and we kept working until we had the truck loaded. Then he met me at the new place and we unloaded everything at 5 pm. The whole day was spent and I hadn’t made a dime.

Cliff was so grateful he was in tears and I was pleased I had been able to help. I didn’t say anything about my situation and thought oh well, I was sick about the fact that I didn’t have money for my insurance but I had enough fuel to get home and I thought what can I do?

Then Cliff handed me $25 and said he wished he had more to give me, I gave it back to him and said I couldn’t possibly take it; he insisted and I thanked him very much. Herb and I exchanged business cards and had a few more laughs out by our vehicles. It had been such a bizarre day for both of us, we had both missed what we had planned but we’d really enjoyed our selves. It was a God thing; you know?

As I was heading home in a fantastic mood for someone who was absolutely broke, I thought, “Maybe I have enough money to buy the parts I need to fix my remote myself”. I stopped at Princess auto, picked up a switch, some wire, and other things I thought I’d need and took them to the counter and asked the guy there if he thought this was what I needed to fix my winch remote control; he said it was. I hadn’t noticed a guy standing behind me who was listening to my conversation with the sales person but when I walked away this man came up to me and said, “Put that stuff back, you’re wasting your money. I have what you need.” I told him I needed to fix my winch remote and he said he had everything I needed at home and to meet him at Tim Horton’s in ½ an hour. I put the stuff back that I had picked out and went to Timmy’s. He showed up just as he had promised and not only brought about 20’ of power cord for my winch but the whole control and he brought me a soldering gun, and solder. He had it fixed in about half an hour; while he was working he was telling me his family was camped at a campsite waiting for him. They were camped and he went to work during the day and then back to the campsite at night. I thanked him profusely for taking the time to do this for me and he said not to worry about it he was happy to do it. I thought, “wow! A married man who did something nice and didn’t try anything”. He said to give him my card because he had some scrap he needed hauled away.

Because now I had a winch I was able to pick up the engine and sell it to pay for my truck insurance. God works in mysterious ways.

True to his word the guy called a week or so later and asked me to haul his scrap away. I met his wife and kids and when I was done he asked if I would make enough on the scrap for it to be worth coming out. I assured him I would but he insisted I meet him at the gas station and he filled my tank with fuel. Again I thanked him profusely and said I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you; and he said I could give him a hug.

He started calling me every couple of weeks to see how I was doing; then JC and I got back together. This guy started telling me how unhappy his marriage was and hugs started to turn into a hug with an ass grab and then he wanted kisses and I had to end the friendship.

I was disillusioned and now I am suspicious of any man who says they just want to help me out of the goodness of their heart.

I know there are women who would sleep with a guy just to get something they need but I never could and never would and it offends me that a man thinks I would. Like I said I have had a man help me without attaching any strings so I am not saying all men are like this.

The thing is; when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, for a man to help her and expect sex for his efforts he is reabusing her, objectifying her just like the abuser she left. Or that’s the way I felt. Comments?

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

Don’t Let This Happen To You or Someone You Love.

Below you will find a link to Kim’s blog; a blog dedicated to her sister Kay who was murdered last year by her abusive husband.

Just days before the divorce papers were to be signed he left work early and sat waiting for her to come home from work with a loaded gun in his hand.

He shot her 3 times in the back of the head before he shot himself.

Kim is an eloquent writer who bares her soul, her pain and her sister Kay’s pain, unhappiness, Kay’s journal entries and final days in a gut wrenching tribute to her sister.

I can not read her posts without tears burning my eyes. Her hope is that by bringing awareness to the topic of domestic violence and sharing her sister’s story she will save some other woman’s life.

Please never underestimate how dangerous a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath is and how cunning and manipulative they are. They are expert actors and remember they do not have a conscience.

Please visit Kim’s blog and take tissues.


Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

This was the photo jc used on Facebook while we were still supposedly in a committed relationship

This was the photo jc used on Facebook while we were still supposedly in a committed relationship

You Can’t Be First But You Can Be Next

I thought it was a rather witty “catch” line for a personal ad, too bad it was an ad JC had placed on “Fling” looking for sex, and possibly a relationship. It is actually a very true statement. It’s a typical narcissist type statement; he doesn’t say exactly what he means by next. Next could be the next to be hurt, the next to be systematically destroyed and eventually left; lying broken, bruised and bleeding with not an ounce of pride left, begging him to tell you if he ever loved you as he looks at you with distain in his eyes, smirks and says, “Look at you? Who would want you? You’re nothing but a weak, suicidal, paranoid bitch that made my life hell”. And he doesn’t say you could be the last either. It’s like when we lived in the trailer and I needed propane to cook supper. I mentioned I had the money, he said, “I could go get propane,” I was thrilled, “Really? That would be great, while you’re gone I’ll get everything ready and when you get back I can throw it on right away, maybe we will eat at a decent time for a change.” I handed him the money and he left. His sister was staying with us at the time and after about ½ an hour she asked how far did he have to go for the propane. I said he should be back any time now. After another 15 minutes, she asked if I thought I call him to see where he was. I text messaged him, “R u going to be much longer” His reply “no”. We waited another 15 minutes and I messaged again, “R u almost home?” His reply “I’m in the barn” Me “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me you were back, did you hook up the propane?” His reply “No”. Me “well could you? Or where is it and I ‘ll do it?” His reply “what propane?” Me “the propane you went to get” Him “I didn’t go for propane” Me “I gave you money and you went to go get propane” Him “No” Me “YES, you said you were going to get propane like and hour and ½ ago” Him “No, I said I COULD go get propane, I didn’t say I WOULD go get propane”

It was a year ago Mar 3rd that he left me bleeding with out a moment of softness, not an ounce of tenderness for a love that was, not a dime to my name and a broken down truck all the while flaunting his new woman in my face and telling me how much better than me she was, how happy he was and how he was giving her all the things I had asked for and more. How he didn’t need personal ads with her didn’t need the hours of porn, and how good she was to him. A few months ago he pops up out of nowhere to apologize and tells me it was all his fault, he always loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? I said, “You told me many things, promised many things, that doesn’t make them true”. The next time he showed up he told me it was my own fault he hurt me because I kept forgiving him and taking him back.

It’s very hard to get over someone like that, you want to hate them, but you also need to know that the time you put into the relationship wasn’t for nothing. Deep down you’ve known for a long time you just didn’t want to admit it and so in a way he is right, you are to blame for your own pain. In a normal healthy relationship you always have the memories of the good times, what ever caused the break down of the relationship doesn’t void the good times, and you know there was a time that your ex loved you. With a narcissist you’re not only dealing with the end of your relationship, you are trying to get your head around the fact that he never loved you and has already moved on and appears to be extremely happy with someone else, giving her everything you loved about him and he refused to give you.

For those of you who read this and are involved with a narcissist/psychopath and are looking for some hope, just a glimmer that somehow you can save this relationship or he can be “fixed” please; no matter how much time you have invested in this relationship; run! Change your number, move away, and don’t wait for him to devalue, destroy and discard you. Walk away while you have something left of yourself to rebuild your life with.

He will not appreciate your self sacrifice or your forgiveness, there is no loyalty, if you suspect he is cheating believe your gut; he is. If he has hit you and promises it will never happen again; get away. There is never an excuse for a man hitting a woman, like my wise son said to me when I told him JC didn’t hit me anymore, “Mom, JC hasn’t stopped being an abuser, you have just learned to not make him angry, but that won’t last mom, it isn’t possible.” He was right.

The last time we got back together we talked openly about all the areas we had problems and how we could avoid repeating them, I was so encouraged and proud of how we were able to discuss things calmly, compromise, and be so realistic. I thought I had him figured out, I thought I could foresee what would anger him and be one step ahead of him. I thought I could avoid him getting angry by anticipating what would set him off, but he would orchestrate situations I couldn’t anticipate or control and I would end up getting hit. He would create reasons to be angry with me, the tension would be building and I would try to show him he was wrong I hadn’t done what he thought I had or wasn’t thinking what he thought I was but that was reason to get hit right there.

I almost looked forward to finally getting punched in the head, it didn’t hurt; not as much as the constant badgering and looks of distain. Once he hit me things would calm down for a while; until next time. Usually a loving period would follow, he might even propose. He proposed to me at least 6 times, he had at least 6 epiphanies; he recommitted to me every couple of months; every time he thought he had pushed me too far and I was ready to leave.

The only time he treated me lovingly for any length of time was during a period where I had my own place and wouldn’t let him move in but those times only gave him just cause to have personal ads and to date other women, which he did when we were together anyway. A relationship can’t go on that way, so we would split totally and he would come back after having another “epiphany” and I would think why would he bother if he didn’t mean it?

For a long time I thought there was divine intervention keeping us together, every time I’d had enough either my truck would break down or he would be injured somehow. Sure it crossed my mind that he was messing with my truck, but who would do that? I thought I must be paranoid and if I did ever tell someone my fears they would look at me like I was crazy. I didn’t want to believe it, so I chose not to. But how many times does it happen, we were split and I walk out to go to work and he is crawling out from under my truck. I ask what he is doing and he tells me he thought he saw something but it was nothing, then he tells me to pop the hood. What better way to commit a crime than right under the nose of the victim, it’s even more gratifying if you can get them to assist you. Later that day I am leaving a job site and just as I am pulling out onto the road I have no brakes or power steering. It is just a miracle I wasn’t driving down the road at the time. Now I believe THAT was divine intervention. I got the truck pulled over and upon inspection my brake line which supplies fluid for the steering and brakes has worn through and broken. It happened twice while I was with JC, co-incidence? I highly doubt it. My lug nuts on my wheels so loose I almost lost my wheels? I started locking my truck and hiding the keys (yes this was a very healthy relationship) so he couldn’t tamper with it, that’s when the lug nuts were loosened, that’s when he text messaged saying “Be careful out there” and 10 minutes later my front tire blew going 110 km/hr on the freeway in rush hour with 3 tons of scrap on the truck. Co-incidence? Once again I think it was divine intervention I was able to keep the truck on the road and up right. A young girl driving behind me stopped and came running up to see if we were ok and said, “Lady. That was awesome fucking driving!!” for those of you who don’t know what happens when you “blow” a tire on the freeway let me explain. Have you ever been driving down the freeway and seen the rubber off of a semi truck’s tire? That is what happens, usually on a back tire with a truck with dual tires, when one tire has less pressure than the one beside it the tires over heat and the one with more air pressure expands and blows up. It’s scary as hell and it sounds like you’ve been shot but you don’t lose control because for one thing it is the back and not a steering tire and you still have the other dual tire. I have asked professional drivers and other scrap haulers and no one has ever had a front tire blow, JC told everyone who would listen (thou protestith too much?) that it was little pieces of scrap metal embedded in my tire that made it blow. Scrap metal embedded in my tire would cause it to go flat, but not blow up. JC is a class 1 driver, heavy duty mechanic and extremely intelligent; quite capable of knowing exactly what to do to make a tire blow up. When he text messaged saying to be careful his sister even joked, “What? Is the front tire going to fall off or something?” and we were laughing when it blew. It blew with such force that it picked the front of the truck up off the pavement, ripped out my brake lines, destroyed my fender and severely damaged my drivers door. It is sheer luck that I was in the passing lane because when it blew it pulled me immediately to the left. If I would have been in the slow lane it would have pulled me directly into traffic. On that section of the freeway there is a very little shoulder on the road and then a steep drop, if I would have gone off the edge I would have rolled it for sure and we would have been killed or at the very least horribly injured. When I called him to tell him what had happened he said he was on his way to help; we waited 5 hours.

Another time he insisted I go pick up a car he had just bought and had been working on at a buddy’s shop. I didn’t want to do it because it meant I had to walk miles to get there, but he insisted I had to do it. He didn’t have time and it had to be picked up that day. So I walked all the way there, got the keys from the buddy and drove away. It was an extremely hilly area and almost immediately after leaving the yard there was a long steep decline with a sharp corner in the middle, just as I entered the decline I lost my brakes and steering, I was increasing speed and did the only thing I could think of and that was to throw it into park. I was ½ on the road, shaking like a leaf when I hear a car and see JC rounding the corner coming in my direction. I just got out of the car and told him to drive it and took off in the car he was driving. I thought he was too busy to pick up the car, why was he coming up at the exact time I was going down? Co-incidence? I can’t think of anyone who has ever made me angry enough that I would kill them.

Although they are often physically abusive, they usually are careful to not leave any evidence of the abuse and tend to be passive aggressive. JC rarely yelled, instead he’d quietly say things to drive me over the edge and then I’d be yelling and he’d look like the poor guy living with a raving psycho bitch. He might even seem unfazed by something that should enrage him, or you might think you have resolved a conflict only to discover days or even weeks down the road that something you treasure has been destroyed or is missing. By the time I left JC there was nothing I held dear to my heart that he hadn’t damaged in some way. He had poured antifreeze on all my photos, took treasured keepsakes I bought when my son and I went to Disneyland, a gift I got from my mother when my son was born disappeared but the container it was in was in his music room, my clothes were “stolen” twice, I had 3 vehicles stolen in 3 years, and the ones that weren’t stolen didn’t run, I lost all my furniture because the storage bill didn’t get paid, and money I had given him to get jewelry I had pawned never got to the pawn shop and I lost it, everything I own has been acquired in the last 5 years.

Narcissists/psychopaths don’t think like you and me and act like an angry toddler lashing out destroying your toys because you don’t want to play the game their way

They don’t have a conscience, and are all about appearances, creating an illusion of the perfect life. The truth does not matter to them, and whether you believe them doesn’t matter to them, as long as they aren’t forced to face the truth. JC had an elaborate 2nd life on the internet, hundreds of women on his Facebook, and famous people he bragged about “friending” him. He was telling people from his old home town in Saskatchewan that some top model in Greece was going to be the next Mrs. “JC” and that he knew 6 women on his Facebook in the biblical sense. Then there was his off line life where he didn’t come home all night, or said he was at the bank at 7 at night on a Saturday when the bank closes at 3, and had joined a singles club in Vancouver. I knew he had been fired from every job he’d ever had for stealing, I knew too much and I didn’t believe the lies any more. Not only did I not believe I was challenging him on his lies, I had gotten savy to his little tricks. I had figured out that if he came to bed and we had sex and if he kissed me goodbye and said I love you in the morning, he wouldn’t come home that night, or if he did it would be in the wee wee hours and I didn’t believe his feeble excuses. Forcing them to face their lies is a very dangerous thing to do. If they think you might expose them and their fragile orchestrated life they might feel they have no choice but to shut you up any way they can. If you die it would be your own fault.

It is so hard to believe someone would want to destroy you, let alone kill you, why? Sure when people split they may bad mouth the other person, or even slash tires or say hateful things, but who sets out to literally destroy every aspect of another person’s life; especially when they didn’t do anything but love you? Why? That is were the problem lies, don’t ask why, you won’t get an answer, because he doesn’t want you to succeed or survive with out him? he wants to keep you in his grasp and under his control. It doesn’t matter. Do you hear me? It doesn’t matter, knowing why isn’t going to change anything; he is an evil man with evil intentions and the sooner you get away the better your chances are of recovering from him and the less damage he can do. Never think you have nothing left to lose, the most precious thing you have is your soul and your self worth, don’t sell it to the devil for something you mistake for love.

I get so many people directed to my blog because they searched for the narcissist’s new girlfriend, whether it is; should I tell her he is a narcissist, to why does he treat her so much better than me, to how can he get involved and be so happy so quickly? Because it is all an illusion, a narcissist’s life is all an illusion, he changes himself to suit whatever woman he is dating, you think you know his likes and dislikes, his habits, you know him better than anyone I would be willing to bet money that most of those things have changed to what ever the new woman is into. JC was raised Christian, we prayed every meal, we prayed often, we talked about religion, the bible, we studied the mark of the beast, we attended church, yet after we split he told me he and his new girlfriend flew to visit his mother and he was so upset that she dragged them to church. He told me that he had flown all the way out there to see her not to go to church and he had been so bored and his mother had made excuses why the sermon was not as good as it usually is. I said to him, your mother is how old? In her late 80’s? And you have told me how concerned you are that she doesn’t have much time left. The congregation at her church collected money to pay for your teeth, they donated large sums of money for you when you went to Africa, the church is all your mother knows and cherishes, she has been bragging to her church friends about her son for years and you would deny her the two hours it takes for you to attend her church and allow her show off her pride and joy. You couldn’t go and fake it for two hours for your mother? You couldn’t give her that gift? Instead she felt she had to apologize to you for the service being boring?? I can’t believe you? The JC I knew wouldn’t have done that, and if you had I wouldn’t have gone along with it.

When we were together he was obsessed about one world government, the 9/11 conspiracy, we watched everything we could find on it, it was his obsession that I got pulled into. In retrospect I think he was using it to make me feel insecure and that I needed him; and it did/does scare me. I asked him the last time I saw him if he’d seen the you-tube videos about the strange noises people are hearing around the world. He looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that he doesn’t pay much attention to that sort of thing, if it’s going to happen it’s going to happen and he isn’t going to dwell on it. WTF?? How can you go from obsessed to not giving a shit in a few months? How can you go from believing in God to calling the bible a lie in a few months?
Only a narcissist/psycho can do that because they aren’t real, they have no convictions, no boundaries, no beliefs, they create and recreate themselves to suit the woman they want at the moment, or the job they want.

Even when he is apologizing some thing just doesn’t fit, his emotions aren’t quite believable, you can’t quite put your finger on it, he might be crying, his hands might be shaking, but there is something missing. That is because he is acting and because he doesn’t have empathy and doesn’t know what true love is he is just imitating emotions he has seen on someone else so the performance is hollow. Often JC would say, “I don’t know what to say about that”. That would be because he didn’t know an appropriate response, “he is not programmed to respond to that question”. He said he saw me driving past a few months ago, with Kato sitting in the passenger seat and then he stopped, and said “hummmm Huh, I don’t know what to say about that, I don’t know what I thought”. What do you mean you don’t know what you were feeling? Sad, happy, you wanted to run me off the road? What? but he honestly wasn’t feeling anything.

He doesn’t understand why I am so hurt because he has no empathy; he has never loved and lost. He had one woman leave him that he couldn’t get back and he obsessed about her for 15 yrs all the other women he has been involved with he managed to destroy.

He needed some where to live, didn’t have a job so he needed a woman with money, to him it makes perfect sense that he would find a woman who filled his requirements and tell her he loves her and become anything she wants in order to get what he wants. In his mind everyone is out for themselves and he is just playing the game better than anyone else. He doesn’t worry that he won’t be able to keep up with the false self he is presenting, he only has to do it until he has her hooked good and then he can be and do whatever he wants. Promises mean nothing.

My biggest mistake with JC was assigning him emotions I thought he should be feeling, emotions any normal person would be feeling, I assigned him morals, a conscience, and I tried to understand why he did the things he did. To be honest I didn’t even know narcissism existed and thought psychopaths looked like Hannibal Lector.

Be very careful, You might not be first but you could be next!

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.