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Why Was I Attracted To The Narcissist ?

Not long ago a fellow named Tom commented on my page, “Playing With The Cards I’m Dealt”

He said that the victims have to look at their part in the relationship especially what attracted them to the narcissistic and why they stayed, like Tom said, “the guy didn’t pack you off, tie you up and keep you prisoner.” That is a very common opinion of people who have never experienced abuse first hand. It is a factual statement, none of us were physically shackled.

It is true that some women get involved with one abusive man after another and they really do need to look at what they are getting from that type of relationship.

But, correct me if I am wrong; most women who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic/psychopath had never been in an abusive relationship before. I am not saying the victim has no responsibility in the relationship; as I said in my Last Letter of Thanks To JC, I take responsibility for the relationship going on far too long.

So I thought I’d share in a little more detail how JC and I met and why I was so attracted to him.
I was building to that with my posts about the baby I gave up for adoption in 1975, my first husband’s motorcycle accident and my son, Kris’s birth and then got sidetracked. I really hate to leave things 1/2 done and Tom’s question has motivated me to wrap it all up.

First of all I wanted to finish up the story about my first marriage, Victor got out of the trauma unit and was in a ward for another 2 1/2 months. When he came home he still required alot of care, dressing changes, etc. He didn’t remembered any of his time in ICU. I was drained and needed nurturing myself, Victor just could not understand. My dream to have a baby I could keep and bring home to a loving family had been dangled in front of me and then snatched when Victor had his accident.
I needed to go back to work, Victor burying himself in booze, I just couldn’t handle it and we split up. We carried a torch for each other for many years and I knew I would never love anyone like I had loved Victor, in my heart he was my one true love. When Kris was 2 they couldn’t hold off any longer and I had to have a hysterectomy. I remarried, twice; the first time I knew I didn’t really love the guy but he was good to Kris and Kris needed a daddy ,(stupid of me to marry someone for that reason I know that now) before our 1st anniversary we were split because the guy wanted me to ship Kris off to his dads. I married again years later and won’t bore you with the details, but we still keep in touch and probably should have just been friends and never married.

Through the years after my first marriage broke up I went to counselling to deal with issues from my childhood, I took effective communication courses, joined a gym and over came an eating disorder, basically I worked on myself.

I had worked very hard and by 1998, at the age of 40 had $20,000 in retirement saving, a $200,000 beautiful home and an excellent credit rating. Due to circumstances beyond my control, some stupid choices on my part, a bad economy and my ex I lost everything and was starting over at 42.

I had been dating a bit, had a profile on POF but hadn’t met anyone I wanted to continue seeing and had made the decision to just be single for awhile and had not accepted any more dates. There was one fellow, a lawyer, who was very persistent about wanting to meet so I agreed to meet him for a drink. He had sent his picture but I had deleted it and only had a vague idea what he looked like. I didn’t want to admit I had deleted his picture and figured we were meeting on a Wednesday evening, how many guys would be single in the bar and looking like they were looking for someone? I was sure I’d be able to pick him out.

I had come from booking the staff Christmas party at a nice restaurant and went to wait for him at the agreed upon bar. He was stuck in traffic so I ordered a glass of wine, then another, he still hadn’t arrived so I went out on the patio to have a smoke, keeping my eye on the door should he walk in. Then a nicely dressed fellow walked in, jeans, nice crisp white shirt, black leather bomber type jacket, glasses, short tight curly hair; and he was scanning the room like he was looking for someone. I thought to myself, “He’s much better looking than I had thought.” I started to walk in his direction, I knew I was looking good. I had on a short tight skirt, 3 inch pumps that made me 6’2″ I had long sun bleached hair that I kept in a style my brother called my “FF look” (freshly fucked ) I was smiling, our eyes met and he smiled back. It must be him I thought and started to put my arms out to give him a hug but just before I got to him I realized, no!! it can’t be him! This guy is much younger and I turned and went to sit at my table. I felt like an idiot, the guy must be wondering what the hell was that all about? I was looking out the window wishing the mother ship would beam me out of there when I heard,”can I buy you a drink or are you waiting for. someone?” I turned and was looking at a man’s crotch, my eyes travelled up catching a glimpse of a slightly hairy chest where his shirt was undone, I could feel myself starting to blush and as our eyes met I stammered I was waiting for someone. He smiled and said,” I figured as much but I had to ask, have nice night” and went back to his table. “Nice bum” I thought.

I had to use the washroom and walked past his table on the way, he smiled, and kinda gave me a little wave, he seemed sort of shy. I walked past him again going back to my table but I turned and went back to his table.
Me; “I think I owe you an explanation as to why I almost hugged you and then walked away and sat down.” so I explained the whole story of how I was on this internet dating site and I was meeting this guy, had thrown his picture away and he looked like he was looking for someone but I realized he was much younger etc. We had a couple of laughs and he said something about he had been thinking about trying an online dating site but didn’t have a computer. I said I hadn’t had much luck so far and had decided to give it a rest and then I went and sat down.

When my date still hadn’t shown up I went for another smoke and had to walk past the nice bum guy again, we exchanged smiles. On my way back to my table as I walked past him he said, “I hope you’ll call me if the date doesn’t work out” and handed me a piece of paper with his number on it. Just as I am taking the paper from his hand (nice strong hands that showed he wasn’t afraid of a hard days work), my date walked in.

XAwkward!

My date was a self centered blowhard that talked loudly, bragged about all his possessions, how much money he made, and how important he was.  He put a price tag on everything and complained loudly when the food was a little slow coming. We had ordered appetizers and of course he had eaten better somewhere else. I was bored out of my mind and left as soon as possible. He was the kind of guy I would have called a narcissist at that time and a complete turn off. He seemed surprised when he said he’d call me and I said not to bother. I thanked him for dinner and hightailed it out of there. If I had been undecided about getting out of POF  this guy settled it; I was done with online dating. I had met guys who were still living with their mother, guys who were “separated” but still living with their wife, guys who spent the whole night talking about what a bitch their ex was, guys looking to get lucky, guys looking for someone to cook and clean for them, I’d met psychos who fell in love on the first date and got jealous because I looked up when a guy walked in. One guy accused me of meeting a guy in the bathroom. Another guy I had only talked to on the phone wanted to come over at 11 pm and when I said no he lost it and started screaming at me, then called back to apologize and say he was grumpy because he had just quit smoking and I told him to start again. I had met guys who, even though we had met in person still wanted to chat on the internet instead of just calling and talking.

I just wanted to meet a normal hard working guy who didn’t have little kids, and didn’t have a bunch of baggage.

When I got home my son asked how it went and I told him the guy was a loser and then told him about the guy that gave me his number. My son said, “Call him”.
I said that he looked alot younger than me. My son said,”Mom, all my friends think your a milf.”
Me: “Kris!”
Kris: “Its true mom. Maybe you need to date someone younger, call him, what have you got to lose?”
Me: “Really ? You think I should call? Is it too late? Its almost 10.
Kris getting exasperated now:  “Call!!!!”
Me: “ok!! I’ll call I’ll call.”

So I called. It rang twice and he picked up.
Me: “Hi, its Carrie calling. I don’t know if you remember me, you gave me your number tonight at the bar?”
Him laughing: “I remember. How did your date go?”
Me: ” I’m calling aren’t I.”

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JC used to say, “If you knew the truth you wouldn’t be this upset.” I’d say, “Well tell me the truth then”. And he’d say, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you so why bother.” A variation of this was, “If you knew the truth you’d feel really stupid for thinking what you’re thinking.” In every case it was always way worse than anything I could have imagined.

I was told something a couple of weeks ago that finally made all the puzzle pieces fall into place and I finally know the truth about something that happened 4-5 years ago and I have been literally sick a about it since. The minute I heard it I knew I had the truth finally and I wanted to vomit.

The old saying, “The truth always comes out.” sure proved to be true with JC. Sometimes I would KNOW he was lying, I would know in my gut there was more to the story he was telling me and I would bide my time, keeping mental notes and bit by bit the truth would surface, he would forget what he lied about and slip up somehow or I would find a picture or a letter that would prove he’d been lying. Once I had the hurtful truth then he would criticize me for living in the past and not letting things go. It is not living in the past if you find out about it a year later and realize he has been looking you right in the eyes and lying for a solid year and not only that; getting angry with you for being suspicious.

On November 16th 2007 I drove JC to the airport to fly to Edmonton to visit his mom before he flew out to Sudan Africa. We had been semi split for most of 2007, he was planning to go to Sudan as a volunteer on a farmer’s coop as a mechanic. I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and let him stay with me while he prepared to go, loading containers with his tools and such. I noticed he was packing up all his expensive good tools and asked him why he would ship his good tools over there because how would he get them back and he would need them for work when he returned. He said he would replace them when he got back, this was for charity and they had to have decent tools. I was skeptical, but couldn’t figure out what he was up to. I had told him he could stay with me but out of respect for me I expected he would stay out of the dating sites while he was living under my roof and sleeping in my bed. As was the case whenever we split up we were still seeing each other almost daily and having sex on a regular basis and saying “I Love you” . He was always saying, “I’m done, it’s over!” and then call me later that day and ask if I was hungry, I usually said no and he’d sound all sorry and sympathetic and say, ”You have to eat something.” He’d buy me supper and act like nothing had happened, so I never knew for sure if we were a couple or not, but I was always faithful to him and I told him that as long as we were having sex I expected he would be faithful. I think he thought I meant I wasn’t into threesomes because we could have sex in the morning and he could screw another woman that night.

I told him I was uneasy about him going to Africa and meeting someone and he had assured me he wasn’t going to Africa to meet women, he had a job to do while he was there and that was it. He would be out in the middle of no where on a farm and they weren’t allowed to leave the farm without an armed escort because of the LRA kidnapping and killing Christians. As far as I was concerned we were a couple again.

He flew to Edmonton on the 16th and called me every day, sometimes twice a day until he got on the plane to Africa. On the 26th his first ex called me drunk and full of hatred for JC. I hung up on her several times and finally let the answering machine get it; she called 37 times and left venomous messages that got worse with every call. Every thing she said about JC I knew to be true for me also but I wasn’t going to get into it at 3 am with a drunk. She asked me if I knew how she knew my number and answered her own question; JC had called her from my phone which I assumed to be the case. Then she called again the next night and I told her he and I were split and she left me alone.

On the 29th I emailed JC and told him about her calls. December 1st he called and said he was coming home in 5 days, he has Malaria and pneumonia, we got cut off so I called his mom and she called the head of the Farmer’s Coop, CB, they told her that he was going home because his mom was really sick. We assumed they meant his birth mother but his birth mother wasn’t sick either.

December 5th JC called 2 times again, making all kinds of promises to me about being faithful, getting out of dating sites etc. He sounded sincere and I was happy he was coming home before Christmas.

December 7th JC called to say he was boarding the plane leaving Sudan.

I picked him at the airport December 9th.

My journal entry from December 12th 2007.
JC came home with roses. But he’s not sleeping, just on the internet trying to line things up for Sudan. He hasn’t mentioned “us” at all. He picked up a load of scrap that was supposed to be for me and cashed it in. I went to get coin from my coin jar in the bedroom and there is $100 missing. He can’t remember all the money I gave him before he left and says I owe him money. His Edmonton mom keeps calling to talk to him. I give him the messages but he doesn’t return her calls.

He was coming and going as he pleased, sometimes home at night other times coming home in the wee hours of the morning or not at all and he refused to answer his phone. I figured he had come home because he was afraid his ex had gotten through to me and he was afraid of losing me but once he was home he treated me with more disregard than ever. He also told me that when he got there he had told CB he needed to be paid while he was there, he had bills at home that needed to be covered (which he didn’t) so he had talked CB into paying him $500 American a month. Not much but when you are confined to a farm in the middle of no where what are you going to spend money on? And he had told me it wasn’t enough and he was trying to get more out of CB before he went back, he wasn’t doing this for nothing. I said, “That’s what “volunteering” is, doing something for nothing.”

I ended up putting my neck out and was in extreme pain, JC bought me flowers and muscle relaxers and told me to take 3 and just go to bed; for once he seemed genuinely sympathetic. Before I laid down I told him to please not eat the special cookies I had baked for my son that I was going to ship to him with his Christmas gifts (his favorites that are a bitch to make and I only make them once a year for my kiddo) I told him he could eat anything else and there was tons of baking around that I had done.

I don’t usually take medication so it really hit me and I was out for hours. When I woke up I noticed right away that he had eaten almost all the cookies I had asked him not to eat. Then I looked around and he had been through every cupboard, drawer and closet in my place and had stacked or boxed up everything he planned to take with him. All my school books on business management, human resources, etc, all my fancy stationary, envelopes, stapler, pens, printer paper you name it he had it stacked ready to go, plus some pots, dishes etc. and my computer card so my computer wouldn’t work. I went outside and told him he couldn’t just take whatever he wanted and to ask me if he wanted something and gave him shit for eating Kris’s cookies and then went back to lay down.

December 17th he drove me to ship Kris’s gifts by bus and on the seat in his truck was a list of things he was taking to Sudan and ½ of it was my stuff, I got angry and confronted him on it and he got angry, slammed on the brakes and punched me in the arm and screamed over top of me while I cowered in the corner of the truck. When we got back to my place I went in and he stayed out in his truck for a few hours and then came in and continued packing. That night while I slept he cleaned me out of the rest of my coin (over $75), all my tools, drill bits, sockets, brand new paint, brushes and rollers and the list goes on.

I realized then that when I emailed him saying his ex had called he must have panicked because he had all his stuff stored at my place and been afraid I would trash it or sell it. I didn’t and never have done anything like that. But he was acting like I owed him. I was so angry I told him to tell his family and CB to lose my number I was done with him. He left the next day and I cried for two days.

On the 20th of December CB called me because he had sent JC a money draft for over $14,000 to buy equipment and now couldn’t get hold of him; he had changed his phone number, the guy he was supposed to be buying the stuff from hadn’t heard from him either. I called a mutual friend and he gave me JC’s new number so I called CB back and gave it to him. I didn’t hear from JC and had no idea where he was so I left a message at his new number saying I had put his stuff outside. He never came to get it and it snowed and then rained, too bad, if he won’t answer his phone why should I worry?

When I went out to leave for work on Dec 22nd he was parked across the driveway and really pissed about his stuff being outside. I told him, you change your phone number and don’t tell me, disappear for days without so much as an “F you” and you are pissed I put your stuff outside? Either move your truck now or I am calling the police. He sat there in his truck fuming for a few minutes and then moved and I left for work. When I got home he had taken everything I had asked him not to. I didn’t hear from him again until the 28th of December when he called and asked how I was. I said, “You cleaned me out and took most of my tools, how do you think I am?” he denied taking anything.

I don’t recall exactly how he managed it but I forgave him again before he left for Africa. This time when he went I heard from him twice in the first week and then nothing for a couple of months, his mother in Edmonton called twice to tell me she had talked to him and he sent his love to me and said he missed me. Then one day he called and said he was in some tavern in Africa and having a malaria attack, he didn’t know exactly where he was and he was sick and scared. I got what info I could and called his Edmonton mom and she called CB and apparently they found him and took him malaria medicine. Shortly after than he called and said he was coming “home” and wanted to see me.

I waited a week without a word and then he called, he was in Sechelt visiting his birth mother and would it be ok for him to come and talk to me. He arrived with a bouquet of flowers, gifts from Africa and full of love and promises. I was leery of course. He put his luggage in the kitchen, with his brief case sitting open on top. As I walked past I noticed a professionally taken picture of a beautiful black woman sitting on top of his paperwork in his briefcase; I took it out and under it was a letter from I assumed her to him. It was like a letter a teenage girl would send a famous rock star. She was the assistant to a major benefactor of the charity JC had been volunteering for, her boss had told her about JC and she wanted to meet him because of all the wonderful things he was doing to help her people.

I asked him about it and he said she had insisted he take her picture and yes he had met her because the benefactor had met him at the airport when he landed in Uganda and was acting as a tour guide of sorts while JC looked for more equipment for the farms. I didn’t believe him totally and asked if he was involved with her, did he have sex with her and he denied it all. When he had come back he had been telling me how when the containers got there some of them were empty, and the ones he had left when he came home the first time someone had stolen everything out of them before they got to the farm and he had said that the guy running the farmer’s coop had his own farm and had taken the equipment to his own farm to use and how corrupt he was. He told me the guy’s son had used pages out of JC’s bible to roll joints.

He stayed with me, we had sex and then one day his laptop is on the counter scrolling through his photos, every few seconds a new photo would flash up on the screen and then a photo of him flashed up. It was of him sitting on the edge of the bed with no shirt on and in the foreground are the naked knees of whoever took the picture. I felt like being sick. He had red marks all over his back when he came home that he said he got from being attacked by bees while making roads in Sudan, in the picture he had the same red marks; so obviously he had seen this woman just before he came home. He denied anything and everything, A few days earlier I had seen a picture in his truck of a very young black girl with a sweet round face and innocent smile, she looked to be about 16 maybe, I asked about her and he said she was the daughter of one of the farmers. His mother kept saying he had to go back to Sudan and I asked why she would want him to go back, if he got malaria again it could kill him and she didn’t answer me.

As time went by every few weeks I would get a little more information. This is the story I eventually pieced together. She had been with the benefactor guy and a few other people who were all traveling together and the benefactor had gotten jealous of JC and this woman, Bridget; getting along and he had left her stuck there. JC said everyone left except her and him so he had gotten a hotel, what else could he do? He said they had sex one time and then she refused to have sex again because she is Christian and it is wrong to have sex and not be married. Right away I thought, “She is seeing you as her ticket out of Africa.” I said, “So she was a virgin?” He said no. I asked, “Did you use protection.” He refused to answer. He said that he couldn’t leave her there alone; she told him that the old guy was always asking passes at her and she was afraid of him. JC said they went to the pastor there to see what they thought of the two of them traveling together because he wanted to take her back to the farm with him; they told him they should be married. So he proposed and had two rings made, hers with his name on it and his ring with her name on it. He said they traveled together for a while and then she went back to the benefactor because he had apologized. JC’s story got rather confusing, but I gather he did a lot of traveling without any security and was building roads not fixing machinery. He told me the farmer in charge of the coop farm told a bunch of lies about him and he had to literally flee the country, laying in the back of a jeep. He said he didn’t have time to see Bridget before he left and went straight to the airport.
I didn’t believe him
He kept saying that if I knew the truth I wouldn’t be upset but he wasn’t telling me the “truth” I told him it was over, I couldn’t handle any more lies and I wanted him gone. He left and then that night I was woken up by the sound of his truck running in my driveway. I ignored it and even fell back to sleep for a bit and then woke up an hour later and he was still out there with his truck running. I went out to tell him to go away but when I saw him I knew he was really sick. He was shivering and sweat was pouring off of him. He said he was having a Malaria attack. I took him inside and put him in my bed and for the next 2 days nursed him. He was sweating so bad he soaked through the mattress cover by morning, so I changed the bedding and tried to get him out of bed to take him to the hospital but he refused, he had a wrist band on from the hospital and he said they didn’t do anything and just kicked him out. He was delirious, so I stayed with him for two days until the fever broke. I was devastated. Here I had to nurse him, fearing he might die and all the while knowing he had been with another woman. I called his Sechelt mom and her begged her to please come and get him but she wouldn’t so I was stuck with him. I was still so in love with him and having to nurse him, fearing he might die I thought I would explode from the intense pain I felt.

When he came out of the fever he was weak and I let him stay for a couple of days but told him he had to go as soon as he was able. Well he didn’t leave and I ended up paying him to do a few jobs with me and after a while we started to get romantic again, he was doing nice things for me, we were getting along really well, like old times and slid back into a relationship until I checked his emails and text messages and found out he was back in the personal ads and he had been writing and texting Bridget saying he loved her and was planning on bringing her to Canada AND that he had tried to go back to me but the feelings just weren’t there any more. His Edmonton mom was communicating with her, so she must have known all about this and never said a word to me about it knowing how much I loved JC. I said as much to JC and he said his mother and Bridget only talked about scriptures. I talked to his mom about Bridget and she told me not to worry, that it had only been a one night thing and Bridget wasn’t thinking JC was going to marry her, but the emails between him and her were very loving and most definitely talked about their future together. You can’t tell me that a girl in Uganda is thinking a man is bringing her to Canada and she is talking to his mother and doesn’t say anything about it. I was very confused. His mother was very insistent that he come to Edmonton and meet with CB and “straighten things out”, so JC finally conceded and flew to Edmonton where he was to meet with CB and go the Centre for Infectious Diseases. I was rather surprised he even came back from Edmonton because I made it clear it was over. I have no idea what the meeting was about, his mother, CB, his mother’s pastor and JC were there. JC told me it was because he informed CB that the guy running the farms was ripping the charity off and all the funds were going into his own farm. JC told me that the guy running the farming coop had been telling lies about him saying he was ripping off the charity. He said he got a cheque for $10,000 for his tools he said got stolen. I knew JC was hiding something but also knew that he would just tell me more lies and anyway and I just wanted him to go away.

I would make him leave at the same time I did when I went to work and when I got home he’d be sitting in the driveway waiting for me. He tried to be nice and loving but I was determined it was over, when I found his text to her saying I love you I miss you, will try to call later. Later when he told me he loved me I brought up the text he had sent and called him a liar. He denied that he was lying and I said, “Well you’re lying to some one, me or Bridget, which one is it?” He had said, “You don’t know the things she says, it’s hard to stop talking to her.” I read one of her letters and I can see why he was hooked because she was so phony. “Oh my love, I miss you so, I walked for an hour to get to a computer to send you a message. I don’t have long because I have to go back to the orphanage and care for the poor orphans. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing you are coming back to get me my love.” He eventually admitted he had gone to her place before he left and given her his guitar and tools to keep for him or sell if she needed to, a few days after he left the police showed up at her door and demanded everything of JC’s that she had. So obviously, everyone knew they were a couple.

I didn’t allow him to move in with me, but as was his typical m.o. he edged his way in and was using my garage to store some stuff, and basically living out of his truck. It was hard to tell but it seemed to me he wasn’t short any tools for someone who had shipped all of his to Sudan, I asked him about it and he hadn’t given me an answer other than, “You know me, I always have more tools than I need.”

He got a job in Red Deer Alberta, left without saying good bye and sent on email saying he thought it was better to end it this way., After he left I went into the history on my computer and found out he’d been in Ashley Madison, POF, Fling and other dating sites, just for the hell of it I tried going into his POF through History and to my amazement it let me into his account. I went into his Favorites and he was telling about 10 women exactly the same thing; that he had a “gut feeling” that they were going to have something special and he always follows his gut feelings. So I sent them all each other’s emails and the ones that seemed the most serious I sent a personal message. A few months after he left I was contacted by a nonprofit company that arranges shipping for containers going to third world country with donations; he asked me if I could remove a big tank from one of their containers. Turns out it was a container going to Sudan, and the person (JC) who loaded it had put this tank in there and it still had about a foot of oily sludge in it. JC knows damn well it would get refused he has been in transportation ½ his life and it is against all environmental and security regulations to ship anything with liquids in it. When they opened the doors to the container I was shocked, it was all but empty, there was nothing of value in it; maybe a couple thousand worth of stuff certainly not $14,000 worth. I heard from a reliable source that he had total access to the container and he must have cleaned it out before he left, knowing it would never get shipped and he would just think of some lie when it didn’t arrive in Sudan.

I moved into the trailer that my parents had offered to finance for me so I would have security and started to accept dates and life was good until the economy tanked and my folks said they were selling the trailer. Two weeks after they told me I had to get out of the trailer JC called saying he had been given 6 months to live, that was December 2008. He was crying, oh how he loved me etc etc. he promised total fidelity, I was all the woman he would ever need yada yada yada……..

He had just bought a semi and was doing long haul from Alberta to BC and came out full of promises and commitments, crying and literally begging for another 2nd chance. He dedicated that song, “Say what you need to say” to me and promised no more lying, even if he thought I’d be angry he would tell me the truth. I said that is all I can ask. I told him all communication with Bridget had to stop and the personal ads had to stop and he agreed. He even went so far as to say he knew it had been wrong of him and we agreed to leave the past behind and start new, I agreed to never bring up the past again as long as he didn’t repeat the past. We also agreed that he wouldn’t be expected to maintain my work truck and I would pay for my own repairs but if that was the case then he was not to drive my truck either. I had been maintaining my truck fine while he was gone, business was picking up because I had been written up in the Province Newspaper Financial Section.

He was VERY sincere and even apologized to my son who believed him and made a real effort to show he forgave him. Anyway this is where this whole blog started and you pretty well know the rest of the story except the parts I didn’t know. A few months after we got back together and I was out of the trailer and dependent on JC I discovered he was still writing Bridget, I was very angry and asked him what the hell he wanted, did he love this young woman, and he said, “No he didn’t.” I said, “Then why are you telling her you love her and are bringing her to Canada?” He said, “Do you know the kind of life she leads? I was brightening her day.” I can’t believe I tried to explain to him that he was leading her on and preventing her from meeting some man that would get her out of Africa. I couldn’t believe he didn’t see that all he was to her was a ticket out of hell. She is a 21 year old woman in Uganda who apparently volunteers at an orphanage and has no money whatsoever but she can afford to have photos professionally taken? She has them plastered all over the internet and in Facebook, High 5 and other social media sites and the only friends she has are men from foreign countries. I asked him if he didn’t realize that by having unprotected sex with her he took the chance of ruining her life perhaps even endangering her life because I am sure women having sex with white men is not highly thought of there. He just gave me the blank stare.

I still had a gnawing in my stomach that I hadn’t gotten the full story but have told myself it didn’t matter he was out of my life now, but when I get a “feeling” I am seldom wrong and tend to get a bit obsessed until I get to the truth. I am still in the dark on a few things but here are the facts as I now know them after the info I got 2 weeks ago.

The young girl in the photo is the daughter of the Sudanese farmer who is running one of the farming coop, JC got the young girl pregnant (probably the first time he was there) and then came back boasting Bridget on his arm and a ring on his finger. He was run out of there and CB the head of the charitable organization cut him off any more money and left him to rot in Africa. JC called his mother in a panic and she in turn called CB and begged him to fly her son home; which he eventually did; but he didn’t make it easy and didn’t supply an escort. JC had to make it to the office, get his money and get to the airport on his own which I gather was a bit scary because he had the bad guys (Lord’s Resistance Army) and the good guys (the Sudanese people) and the Sudanese police gunning for him. He ended up at Bridget’s and left some of his things with her and promised he’d be back for her and got on a plane home. A couple of days later the father of the young girl and the police were at her door looking for him and took anything he left with her.

I am assuming CB was beside himself, he is highly regarded in the Christian community and his charity is very well known, for years he has tried to help the people of Sudan and he has very wealthy followers that make it all possible. If word got out that one of his volunteers impregnated a young girl (child) his whole charity could be destroyed along with his own reputation and other ventures.

I am also guessing that the meeting had to do with this young woman and I think JC promised he would go back and do the right thing but needed money to replace his tools so he could work. That is why his mother was so adamant that he had to go back. It answers the question of why he would lie about having Malaria and was dying; it gave him a plausible excuse for not going back. I had gotten suspicious about the Malaria because he had said he went to the center for infectious diseases in Edmonton and that is who told him he had 6 months to live. Every time he had an attack out here he had a hard time getting proper medication and they had to do blood tests etc. I had said to him, why don’t you get your medical records sent out here so we don’t have to go through this every time? He had said he would but never did, also he never talked about it after the first time he told me. Someone who has been given 6 months to live would tell people, would want to talk about it you would think. I had said once to him that he didn’t seem to be very concerned about being told he had 6 months to live; (I on the other hand was researching Malaria and looking for cures, naturopathic remedies etc and he didn’t seem the least bit concerned) his reply was that he had been told before he wasn’t going to live and had survived, if it was his time it was his time and there was nothing he could do about it. When he got with “M” she made him go for a complete physical because she had just lost her husband to cancer. (I guess if JC would have been sick she would have dumped him? now that’s love for ya) anyway as miracles do happen JC got a perfect bill of health, even his high blood pressure problems were gone, no signs of malaria. (See she is an amazing woman, she even healed him) I also found it strange that he put his volunteer work down on his resume and every dating profile he had but he never mentioned the name of the charity and when I did up a flyer and mentioned I had donated to the charity he made me take the name of the charity out, now I know why. The charity has a monthly newsletter online and JC had been mentioned numerous times in glowing terms and then when I went back a few months later to see if him leaving was mentioned any reference to him had been removed and CB had put, “Beware of smiling faces.”

Since I found out about the young girl 2 weeks ago I have been filled with such anger, disbelief, horror, distain, sadness, …….. Such a flood of different emotions I can hardly breath some time
When I found out about Bridget I had said to JC that there were so many things wrong about what he did I couldn’t even begin to explain, now, …….now knowing what I know …………… I want to pound on him and scream at him, “What gave you the F’n right? You bottom feeding, scum of the earth, asshole, who the F do you think you are, ruining people’s lives without a second thought and just keep using women.” But I know it would have no impact on him except if “M’ was there and then it would only be a concern that he was going to lose his gravy train and he would just call me a psycho bitch anyway. I want to write his mother, his Christian mother who reassured me there was nothing between him and Bridget and didn’t think I had a right to know he had impregnated a young girl in Africa and she was encouraging him to go back and “do the right thing” did she not think that it was the “right thing” to tell me!! That maybe I shouldn’t believe that he loved me and wanted to marry me and that maybe me moving to Sask with him wasn’t in my best interest. Did she not think that saving a woman from financial and emotional ruin was more important than keeping her son’s dirty little secrets? Is God going to forgive her for her lies? No wonder when, after 10 years of her and I talking on the phone and emailing, we finally met face to face she could barely look me in the eye. I told myself she was shy, I blamed myself, maybe she didn’t like me after all, I thought maybe she wanted JC to be with Bridget, I knew something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it and now I know it was because she was lying to me and it was a lot easier on the phone than in person. I try to not be too angry with her, I know she was trying to protect her son and thinking she was doing the right thing, and I don’t want to judge her or be “holier than thou” But damnit, if it was my son stringing a woman along and I knew she was deeply in love with him I would tell her the truth, I would make y son tell the truth, I would not be an accomplice. I know too though that he has manipulated her for almost 50 years and I feel sorry for her. See? Such a cacophony of emotions.
There are so many things so wrong about this story it boggles my mind, only a truly sick individual would not have known what he was doing was wrong, let me break it down for you;
He went as a volunteer/missionary representing a world renown Christian Organization (he had used his father’s good name to get the position because his father had thought very highly of CB and sent a lot of money to the charity over the years and he received Christmas cards etc from CB’s organization) and with no regard for the reputation of the charity or the head of the organization or the well being of the girl has sex with a teenage girl.
He abused the trust being associated with the organization automatically gave him.
He stole from the charity
I donated ½ a container of farm implements because I had done a couple of farm cleanups right at the time he was loading his containers. I gave rakes, shovels, hoes, scythes, etc that I found out later he billed them for.
He pressured them for a wage after getting there as a volunteer and then blackmailed them into giving him more money.
He got a young girl pregnant and deserted her, basically sentencing her to a life of poverty and ruining her chances of ever even having a Sudanese husband because she has an illegitimate ½ white baby, and no man from another country will want her and her baby, so she has two options, keep the baby and they both suffer in poverty for the rest of their lives or put the baby in an over crowded, under-funded orphanage and try to hide the fact that she even had a baby. The same orphanage I donated crates of clothes and toys to because JC told me how destitute they were.
He lied to and strung along another young lady and had sex with her also and continued to lie to her about bringing her to Canada for 3 years, count them, three years!! Who knows maybe he is still lying to her. Son-of-a-bitch, bottom feeder.
It just so happens that a new fellow started at Amix a couple of months ago and he works the gate, he is a very nice young man from Uganda. Thoughts about what would happen to this young girl plagued me for days, would she be stoned even? I don’t know what repercussions there are for an unwed mother in these countries, so I asked if I could talk to him for a minute and I told him briefly what JC had done and asked what would happen to the girl. He told me that people are either rich or dirty poor there, especially in Sudan and that a lot of the young girls have sex with the men from other countries in hopes the men will fall in love with them and take them out of Africa. He said that any man from another country has women coming onto him from every direction but he said most men realize what is going on and stay clear, he personally had never heard of a 40 something white man getting a girl pregnant, they are usually smarter than that. He said NO ONE with any sense has unprotected sex in Africa.
He said that if the man doesn’t claim the child as his then having that child has sealed the girl’s fate and she will live the rest of her days in poverty in Sudan and hopefully the LRA won’t kill her because she is a Christian, if she was Muslim then she could be stoned for having sex and not being married.
So that is what has been on my mind lately. I have fought the urge to write his mother telling her how disappointed I am in her and the damage being with JC and her collaborating his lies has done to so many women and now she is standing by while he bleeds a widow of the inheritance her loving husband provided for her.
In my mind if you see a crime or injustice being done and you do nothing to stop it you are as guilty as the person doing the deed. What do you think? If it was your son or daughter doing something so wrong would you lie for them? would you let more people be hurt by them?

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to my ex once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in my ex and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!
Carrie

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Letter

The Letter

Lou (Talesfromthelou) expressed a concern about whether JC knows about my blog or not. I don’t know if he knows about it or if he has read it. I think if he had he would have been more specific in his letter, he usually throws vagueness around in hopes of covering all angles, just scare me into silence, in case I am thinking about stirring the pot.

I didn’t miss the threatening tone to JC’s letter. The part where he repeats how he will do what ever it takes to protect M and his new life. I actually took it very seriously because I know he means it. I am afraid of him because I think he is capable of almost anything, not necessarily physical harm but set me up some how, i.e.: hide drugs in my truck and phone in an anonymously to the police, disable my truck, bad mouth me to customers, anything to ruin me. If he has read my blog I am sure he would just say I am crazy and a bitch, the truth doesn’t scare him because he just reinvents it any way. No one would ever find it by Goggling his name, so they would have to know he was in a relationship with me to ever find it, someone like a new girlfriend.

I did send him a short email in response to his letter though. I said that as long as he stays away from the Turf and Amix when he knows I am going to be there the problem will be solved. I said, “Let her support your sorry unemployed ass” I also asked if he was threatening me and did I have to get another straining order and I told him that I had given the letter to someone for safe keeping and if I should have an “accident” he would be the first person they came looking for. I have not heard back, I didn’t expect I would.

I refuse to allow him to intimidate me into keeping his past a secret, that is why these guys continue to hurt and use women because no one ever says anything. I know I am taking a chance that he will seek revenge but if he has changed like he says then he has nothing to worry about does he? Realistically he and M have been together over a year, they are engaged, if they are so wonderfully happy anything I say should have no bearing on their relationship. If he is such a changed man M would think I was just a bitch trying to make trouble, BUT if they are having problems and she reads my blog then maybe he has reason to be concerned because she is going to realize history is repeating itself and he is using the same lines and manipulation on her that he used on me.

I know I over analyze things when it comes to JC, it’s a trained response from years of trying to keep one step ahead of him, decipher his lies and retain my sanity. So often I was being told black was white or I was off base being upset that I would analyze every situation from a logical and rational point of view and not from pure emotion, plus I need answers and I dig until I get them. In the beginning with him I took him at his word, actually for a long time, years, I truly believed he was honest and that he wouldn’t be able to lie to my face. He is very good at lying, giving just enough information that you think his conscience is bothering him so he came clean, but in actual fact he hasn’t even touched the tip of the iceberg about what is really going on. One thing for sure, with a narcissist what you think is going on is probably no where near what is truly happening, they are the masters at creating smoke screens.

I think the thought of being all alone scares the hell out of JC, I don’t think he knows what love is and “falls in love” with every second woman he meets. Depending on his life circumstances at the time he will choose anyone that he sees as having something he needs.
From what I know of M she is very straight laced, frugal, and responsible the exact opposite of JC and she was widowed, always been a housewife and had an empty place in her heart and her bed perfect for JC to slide right in and take her husband’s place. He came across as this poor guy who got taken by his psycho ex and he needed her to save him.

A narcissist will pick someone he has nothing in common with and change to suit the other person. He can be exactly what a woman wants, polite, charming, giving, empathetic, supportive, protective, helpful, even tempered, compromising, agreeable, fair, humorous, romantic, and he reveals just enough about his past and his indiscretions to appear honest, remorseful and wanting to change his ways and always the victim of a psycho ex that took advantage of his good nature and generosity. Once he has her firmly hooked his mask starts to fall off and his true colours shine through. When she realizes he is not what he projected to be she is disillusioned and wants the man she met back.

At that point the narcissist starts the gas lighting and the abusive roller coaster ride begins. I think JC and M’s relationship has hit that point. I think enough time has passed that she has discovered some of his lies, puzzle pieces aren’t falling into place, he has lost 8-10 jobs in just over a year, he hasn’t kept his promises to quit drinking and smoking, the money she lent him hasn’t been paid back, and he just lost another job. I am surmising that she has been voicing concerns about him losing yet another job (as any normal person would) and he is getting panicky, he is so close to sealing the deal; once they are married he has her basically “locked down” but it’s been a year and he can’t keep up the façade any more. That’s when he starts telling her that she is making him this way, that he’s never been abusive before her and it’s her nagging etc that drives him to do what he does. From her perspective she starts to think maybe it is her, he was so sweet and loving; how could a person put on an act THAT good, so she starts to walk on egg shells watching what she says in order to not offend him and she starts to make excuses for his behavior.

He know that the worst thing that could happen for him at this point would be for her to find out that this is exactly the way all his relationships have gone, that he was this way with me.

In the past JC would leave the area when he broke up with a woman, he would just up and be gone one day to another province, another country even without so much as a good bye letter. The new woman would have no way of checking his story. For whatever reason JC didn’t leave the area this time and I am very recognizable because of my truck and business name.

Anyway, he was playing M, me, and another married woman at the same time. When I discovered him at the married woman’s house he discarded me and the married woman totally and reeled M in. He discarded me in the cruelest ways possible and made me out to be a psycho bitch that was obsessed with him. Now things are starting to fall apart for him and M. It’s been over a year and his sister still won’t speak to him; he has made me out to be a psycho bitch yet I am still in contact with his family and his step-dad and mother make no bones about the fact that they like me ( he has even said that his step dad has nothing but glowing things to say about me and his mother has my art work on display and even showed M one of the pieces I painted for her) M must be wondering just how psycho I am or at the very least asking that age old question; what came first; the psycho bitch or the abuse.

I think that in November when he came to me crying and full of apologies, saying he always loved me and still loves me and didn’t care if M knew or if she saw him kiss me; he thought I would be so grateful for his attention I would be putty in his hands. I am not sure if he needed good strokes because they were having problems or he was just wanting to manipulate me but I didn’t take the bait and sent him an email immediately after our meeting telling him to please leave me alone, I didn’t know what game he was playing but I wasn’t interested in being a player in his orchestrated life. Then he showed up at my home and again cried and said he loved me and asked me to please “let things play out, you don’t know how things will turn out” and that he wanted to help me be “successful like him”. Once again I sent him an email telling him to stay away, he wasn’t successful, he had just managed to hook a widow with money and that he had used his ex’s to hurt me and I wasn’t interested in being a pawn in whatever game he was playing and I would not be used to hurt M, she had enough on her plate. I heard nothing back but a month later he shows up again at the Turf with the same lines; he has changed, he always loved me yada yada yada.

I sent another email only this time I sent it to his email address and what I believe to be her email address. ( the reason I believe it is hers is because his Edmonton mom was sending me emails and they showed all the people she had CC’d, JC’s email address was there and then he was on the list again, when I put my curser over his name an email address that made no sense for him came up; the last name and first initial of someone) the initial was an F, being the detective I have become from being involved with a pathological liar I Googled the name and a man came up and from what I read I knew it had to be her husband. I kept the address just in case I should ever need it and I used it to send a 7 page email (true to form for me……long) detailing how I had been asking him to stay away, that I didn’t want any further contact with him. I also mentioned some of the abuse I had suffered from him and that I hoped for M’s sake he had changed but I had no desire to be “friends” and have a front row seat to watch him give another woman everything and more than I had asked for and if he hadn’t changed why would I want to be his friend. I wrote about how he had told 6 women in 2 years that he loved them and how he had been playing me, M and P all at the same time and only dumped P and me after I discovered him at P’s house and that night he broke down in M’s driveway. It was a long detailed email. I never heard a word about it and never saw him again either so I gathered she or he had read it and he was staying away.

When he and I were still together he was addicted to Facebook and had hundreds, if not thousands of women on his friend list. Every time I signed into my Facebook I would get a list of all the people JC had “friended” in the middle of the night asking if I wanted to friend them too. It would be porn stars, models and other women from foreign countries and eventually I took him off my friend list just because I was so sick of seeing it. His sister did the same thing before I even did because it disgusted her also. He also was “friends” with a bunch of movie stars and musicians and talked like they were really friends (he was totally disillusioned; I tried to explain to him that they weren’t really his friends and he would argue with me so I dropped it. He had this one beautiful super model from Greece on his friend list and I saw one comment he made to a buddy from his home town where he told the guy that he had ‘biblical” knowledge of 6 women on his Facebook list but this woman from Greece was going to be the next “Mrs C”. I had said to him, do you realize how pitiful that makes you look, I am embarrassed for you. He blocked me on his Facebook.

Anyway, he popped back up on Facebook after he met M and only had 30 friends, I would check it once in a while some times it would be hidden and then it wouldn’t and he would have posted something I gather he wanted me to see, like “he had the best birthday……EVER… this year”. when he got his motorcycle. So after his last visit to apologize to me I was curious as to what was going on in his life and why he’d be coming around after we had been basically no contact for 6 months so I checked his Facebook and he had gotten engaged. He has everything else hidden, I can see his friends list, his photos and profile but nothing on his wall and then all of a sudden I was blocked again.

A couple of weeks ago when his sister Denise and I were broken down on the side of the road I had called a friend and he had come to help us and had left saying he would be back and it had been a couple of hours when Denise said she wanted to call JC and ask what he thought the problem was. I told her that I would never call him myself but if she wanted to call him it was up to her. He had been calling her and leaving messages and she hadn’t responded in over a year and I said it is probably time you two had a talk. I told her if she did talk to him to ask him if he would take kato for a while until I got a place.

She did call him but her phone was dying and she told him to call her on my phone. When the call came I answered and handed it directly to Denise. They talked a while and then he said after dinner he would come out but he would call before he left. In the meantime my friend showed up and we got the truck running. When JC called on my phone I handed Denise the phone and she answered it, she told him we were up and running but he wanted to come anyway.

When he got there he hugged her and went to give me a hug and I backed away, I handed them the two dogs and went and sat in my truck while they talked and walked the dogs. Next thing I know JC is on my side of the truck with money in his hand, so I rolled down the window and he handed me $40. I thanked him and he went to give me a hug again through the window but I didn’t respond.

Denise and I ended up running out of fuel a block from a gas station that sold propane but because it was after 10 pm they wouldn’t pump it so we ended up having to spend the night in the truck with the two dogs until the morning when they would sell us propane. Dumb I know, they were open 24 hours but made us sleep in the truck and would not sell us propane. *shaking head*

Sitting there all night in the truck, (not much sleeping got done that’s for sure) Denise decided to send a friend request to JC on Facebook. I said yeah, do a search for him and see what Facebook comes up, I’ve been blocked again but I am sure he must still have his old FB and the one I am allowed to see is not the one he had when we were together. Sure enough when she did a search on his name at the very top of the list was a totally different FB account for him. The one I can see has a picture of him and her as his profile pic, lists him as engaged, and shows who his friends are. The FB account that showed up when she searched has a picture of him with two other guys playing guitar, says nothing about being engaged and only shows Denise friends they have in common not the whole list or how many people are on it. Interesting!! Who needs two FB accounts??? The FB acct that was visible to me is not visible to her.

She sent the friend request and the next day when she searched his name both his accounts appeared on the list and when I searched only the one saying he is engaged showed up. It has been two weeks and he hasn’t accepted her friend request yet and I think he is wondering what to do; he has kinda been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and I am sure he knows I know.

A few days later he slows up at Amix again right at 4:30 and starts talking to me but I told him I didn’t have time to talk. He said to meet him when I was done and I didn’t and just left. At some point I mentioned I needed a laptop cord and he said he’d check if he had one.

So then he emails me and says he has a cord for me and would get it to me. A few days later he pulls in right behind me at the Turf and I can see M is in the car, I went in to cash my cheque and when I come out he is there petting the dogs. I had kinda figured he’d just throw the cord in the truck so I was surprised to see him. He handed me a brown envelop and I went to open it and he motioned not to but I did anyway, I pulled the cord out and threw the envelop into the truck, I thanked him, asked him what I owed him. He said nothing and that they were on the way to her brother’s and had to go and I said bye. I sent an email that night saying that the cord worked perfectly and thank you. He sent back that I should look in the envelop again and then I found the letter.

The letter doesn’t even make sense, seeing as I had already sent him 3 emails telling him to leave ME alone. I don’t have his phone number or his address so the only way I can see him is if he comes to me and the email I sent to him and her was sent in February and it is now May. Plus if he didn’t want to see me why wouldn’t he just throw the envelop in the truck and drive away, why give me the cord at all? It seems rather contradictory. Plus he hasn’t helped me, I was up and running when Denise and I saw him, I didn’t even talk to him.

Something else is going on and from my history with him I think she is getting upset that he has lost yet another job, he has owed her money for over a year and owes his step dad a lot of money. It must be obvious to her that I am not the reason he has nothing; it’s because he can’t keep a job.

The best way to get her off of his case would be to give her something else to worry about. I used to find a love letter to some other woman, or he’d “forget” to sign off the computer and I would discover he was in a dating site or communicating with some woman.

I think he probably left something out for M to find, an old love letter or one he wrote himself, right away M’s attention is diverted away from money and his lack of a job and she is now focused on whether he is screwing around on her. Now he makes a big production of telling me he loves her so much and is committed to her totally and she is so damned relieved that he still loves her that she forgets all about the job issue.

I won’t be contacting either of them again, the only reason I sent the email I did was because he wasn’t listening to me and I didn’t want to be used to manipulate M and I thought the best way to do that was to put the truth out there. I have made my point very clear to both of them in my email and I will walk the other way if I see him again.

But I still don’t trust him.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Internet and the Narcissist

Like I said in a previous post that you can read here https://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/wife-kriss-mom-victim-survivor-lady-witha-truck-carrie/, I had quite an addiction to the internet for a period of time after my marriage broke up. So I understand the attraction of the internet and how it can take over your life. I also know that no healthy person in a good relationship is going to jeopardize their relationship by being on the net excessively.
Either they are unhappy in the relationship and seeking a diversion or they have other issues; like being a narcissist.

My marriage fell apart because my husband wasn’t very motivated to work because I was making good money running my day care. Unfortunately I had waited too long for him to get his ass motivated to work and I was having to sell MY house to pay off our debt and his that I had co-signed for him.

Lesson # 1 for dating later in life. Keeping the house in your name when you get with a man with nothing does not necessarily protect your home. If you co-sign debt you are responsible for that debt and if you can’t pay you lose your home.

My experiences on the net:

I was burying myself on the net because I couldn’t deal with what was happening in real life.

And I mean b.u.r.y.i.n.g.!! I barely came up for air.

I was addicted to chat rooms and flirting (not porn or xxx dating sites just boring over 40 chat rooms).

I also had some sexy young studly type fellow beep in on my ICQ that I was chatting to.

Eventually the fellow on ICQ wanted to meet, wanted me to fly to Nashville to meet him. He was a sexy fellow I must say, and he made it sound very tempting. He sent me gifts and mailed me beautiful love cards, called constantly and I was seriously considering going. But I wasn’t going to meet any man without checking him out and asked for his address and land line phone number and hired a company called 1-800-us search and found out the fellow didn’t exist. No such name, no such number and the address was in an undeveloped industrial area. When he called the next time I gave him an earful and said to take a flying leap. Of course he had all kinds of crazy explanations like he was in the witness protection program.
Seee yaaaaa!!!!

There were two other fellow I talked to regularly one was a lawyer in Wichita. We shared the cost of my flight out to Wichita and had an ok weekend together. He wasn’t nearly as good looking or witty in real life. He had a harem in the chat room and I almost hadn’t gone because I had been vocal in the room about meeting and the other women were jealous.

* Beware of men with harems!

Nothing bad happened while I was there. Interestingly enough he wasn’t at the air port when I landed and I had some panic but I called, woke him up and he came and got me. I was happy to leave in two days and we never chatted again.

The other fellow, Jim, was ex FBI. I said, “Yeah and I’m an international spy! And shoot bad guys with my umbrella and talk to people with my shoe”.

He didn’t think that was funny. He actually needed to do a security check on me before I came. I did my own investigating of his info and he checked out. He had recently retired and wanted to take a trip with a woman and wanted me to be that woman. I said I couldn’t afford it and he said, “Did I ask you if you can afford it? It is worth the money to have you come on a vacation with me, I don’t want to go alone.”

So he booked my flight to North Carolina and I flew out for a 2 week all expenses paid vacation with a man I’d never met. I had the time of my life!!! He indeed had worked for the FBI and had the commendations to prove it. We spent a few days in North Carolina and then drove down to New Orleans. Every day, every single day, I woke up and there would be $100 in my wallet. If I spent $50 one day the next day I would have $100 again. I have never had a man treat me so well. I never had to ask for money and he never made me feel I owed him. He didn’t make a big deal about it, just topped up my wallet every morning. We laughed, we saw the sights, I cooked supper for his friends and he treated me like a queen the whole time I was there.

In New Orleans we met a female friend from the chat room and the 3 of us did up New Orleans with style. An outside Beach Boys concert that had the 3 of us dancing til we dropped, my g/f insisted I eat all the southern fare like Po’boys, and Jumbalaya, we walked the French Quarter, listened to jazz bands, and watched the fireworks on July 4th. I didn’t want to go home and knew it was a relationship that would go no where; just a great vacation. A month later he and my g/f met for a weekend and that kinda cured me of long distance romance.

After that I joined POF and dated a few local guys, each one a disappointment in one way or another. There was the guy who I met at a local night club who weighed at least 150 lbs more than what he had told me. Nice guy, brought me gifts, (homemade jams) but I was anorexic, obese and me just don’t work; sorry. Nothing against over weight people; I just can not get past the weight. Its my problem; just like I can’t date a guy who weighs less than me and is shorted than me. I just can not handle feeling like I can pick a guy up or if I roll over in the night I might squash him.

So the next guy didn’t work either; he was a nice looking black guy and I mean BLACK! He was meeting me at my cabin at the lake. I had walked with my son to the lake and was walking back when the fellow called to say he was at my house. I was walking up the street and couldn’t see him, his car was there but he was no where to be seen. Then on my porch in the dark shadows I see him smile. If it weren’t for the white teeth I would have totally missed him. And he had that great Jamaican accent but when he came out of the shadows my hopes dropped. He was all of 5’5″ and I outweighed him by at least 30 lbs and I was skinny. We had a great day but I was honest up front, I gotta have a man at least my height and weight. Its my hang up about being heavy but I have dated guys shorter than me (seems short guys like tall women) and I have found that many short guys want a tall woman to show off and they can have a “short guy attitude”. I don’t mean to offend short men and more than likely I have not met any short men reading this so you could be totally different. I am speaking from my experiences only. So please don’t send me hate mail. Like I said it is my problem.

The next fellow was a psycho personified; we didn’t get past the first phone call. He called several times; constantly and wanted to come up to my place at 11 at night and when I said no he got angry and called me all sorts of names I can’t repeat and then kept calling alternating between being apologetic and making excuses(he’d just quit smoking) and hating my guts. I eventually blocked his number.

Then I met Ian, a long distance guy again but at least in my country. Good looking, had a great job as a city planner, my height and we had a lot in common. He flew out to meet me in November and arrived with half a dozen Christmas gifts; nice but a little too much too soon. I had really liked him on the phone but in person I don’t know; it just wasn’t there for me. He loved me already which was a bit unsettling and gave me that feeling in my gut that tells me; you don’t want to go there.

In between these guys I met guys who even once we had met in person still continued chatting on line with me. Or guys who only wanted to talk online and not phone. There were the guys who only called late at night and wanted to know what I was wearing and wanted me to touch myself and send pictures.

There was the great looking guy who swore him and his wife were separated but he only called in the middle of the night, wanted phone sex, and I couldn’t call him. Upon further questioning he still lived with his wife but it was over; honest!
Seeeeee Yaaaaa!

I was waiting for another online date (this was going to be the last) when I met JC.

I could not believe my good fortune. We “clicked” we had so much in common it was almost spooky. From the first time we set eyes on each other there was something there I’d never felt before. Love at first sight? He was 6′, handsome, had a great sense of humor, owned property on the coast(lie), and he told me a bunch of other lies but at the time I took it as the truth. The one big thing in his favor was he didn’t even own a computer! Thank you God!!

He called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we had real in person dates and real in person sex. He cried when he told me he loved me the first time. He took me to meet his family, he wined and dined me. We blitzed Vancouver, hitting all the neat little shops, stopping to share an appetizer and have a drink in a quaint open air pub. He was nuts about me and from the first date we talked every night and saw each other 4 out of 7 nights.

From the first night together we slept wrapped up in each other waking up in the morning still holding each other; I had never experienced that before and I loved it. For the first time in my life when I went to bed with a man I felt that as long as I had his arms around me everything would be ok. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before.

The passion of our love making was almost intimidating to me. I had always been an adventuresome , playful and active participant when having sex but with him I was almost shy and I think it was because he was so powerful, the feelings were so powerful. He was insatiable, rarely did a night go by without making love 2 or 3 times in the night. I had never known a man who “could” do it time after time like that.

I moved in with him after about 4 months; I know it was quick but we were spending so much time together, money was tight for both of us and it just made sense.

I brought my computer, and in a heart beat everything changed. He didn’t want to ever leave the apartment, every time I walked in the room he’d shrink the screen. I knew I saw tits but he denied it.

Then came the day we were supposed to go to my folks for supper and he wasn’t ready to go. I nagged a bit to get off the computer and get ready and then I thought to hell with him I’ll go alone. When I got home he was still on the F’in computer and when I walked in I swore he shrunk the screen. I teased him about looking at porn and he denied it. I’m no dummy and we had such good communication I couldn’t believe he’d lie. So I checked and sure as shooting there was all these porn sites in history.

I jokingly told him he was busted and he got very defensive and blamed it on Kris my son who hadn’t been on the computer in months. That is when I checked history more and discovered his ad in LavaLife lookTo not have him come to bed was very upsetting for me, when I’d wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t come to bed I couldn’t help but cry or be angry; either way it was a horrible way to start the day. It was the last year that I stopped caring and when I knew it was over.

For years he said “If you knew the truth about the ads you wouldn’t be upset.” But he never told me the truth. I told myself that it was an ego boost for him that he needed to know he was still attractive and could get a woman if he wanted; it was innocent really.

He said things like:
When do I have time to meet any other woman?
I don’t know why you get so upset; you know we always end up together.
My reaction to the ads was what pushed him to go looking for other women.
Why didn’t I try to be more attractive instead of being angry then he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere.
I actually talked myself into accepting that the ads meant nothing and stopped reacting but if he wasn’t getting a reaction he upped the anti. He needed the reaction for narcissistic supply.

The situation escalated; as soon as I stopped reacting to something he would take it a step further. His communications got more personal; he stopped looking for casual sex and started looking for a relationship. I think he did go to meet a few of the women but for the most part from what I was reading it was mostly phone calls, plans to meet that fell through, and him professing his love and wanting her to commit to him and him promising the world.

Warning signs that the fellow you have met on the internet is not all he professes to be or that your man is being unfaithful on the net:

– On Facebook he had what I call “poser” pictures; JC had pictures that were provocative in a subtle way like the picture of him taking his shirt off and his abs showing. He was constantly taking pictures of himself especially the last couple of years.

– Even though we were in a committed relationship he never talked about his life with me on Facebook When ever he spoke about what he did on the weekend he spoke as if he did it alone.

– He kept his conversations private. Most people I know on Facebook have their settings so that all their friends can read their wall but he had his setting so only he could read his wall. Every conversation was private and he had many women from all over the world he was talking to. I felt uncomfortable to say anything personal on his Facebook.

– His life was larger than life and the women were giggly over his attention.

He had many sites where he chatted and had two Facebook accounts, one with just family and one where he was his fantasy self. He had one woman leave Facebook and they chatted on High 5, I don’t know what excuse he gave her as to why they had to go to a different site.

He had several women he chatted to on MSN chat. (I just about died when I went into MSN and he had changed his profile and had pictures of the 3 most important people in his life and it was his ex and her two kids. When I confronted him he said it wasn’t finished it was supposed to be the 30 most important people in his life. OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

One woman was sending him naked pictures (if a guy you have never met wants nude or semi nude pictures he is not in love with you!!! Give your head a shake!!) And he was telling her how he knew they had something special; he could feel it in his gut. He acted really jealous when she went out and said things like, “Save it for me” “I hope you are being good, I am”. (that was a message sent on New Years eve and he was with me)

He was telling another one that he couldn’t wait until the day he put a ring on his bride’s hand. When I confronted him on that he said, “I said my brides hand, I didn’t say she was going to be my bride.”

He loved everything each woman loved, with one he loved to dance (he danced with me 3 times in 10 years, he hated to dance)
He told another that he loved long walks (he never walked any where, he’d drive to the end of the driveway to get the mail)
He was an expert on everything, if he didn’t know it he looked it up.
He never traveled but online he loved to travel
He was always unemployed but online he was making $150,000 a year and at the point in his life he could set his own hours and taking time to enjoy life. (in reality he spent all his time at work when he had a job, had no money and never wanted to do anything fun)

When he left his accounts open and I found them when I went on the computer and I sent all the women each others letters he told them all that his psycho ex had hacked into his computer and was trying to ruin his life. He pleaded with them to not let her destroy what they had.

He’d tell them to go out side and look at the moon at a certain time and he would do the same and they would both be looking at the moon at the same time and for her to imagine his arms around her and some day soon it would happen.

Each woman was “the” one; he couldn’t get them out of his mind. If he couldn’t make a planned meeting and she understood he would say, “I knew I loved you for a reason, that’s my girl I knew you’d understand”.
His phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but he would be text messaging a few minutes later. Sometimes when I would call him he wouldn’t answer and then text message me saying he was busy and would call right back. It didn’t take long before I figured out that if he was with someone else he wouldn’t answer his phone and just text message, he could do that without the person he is with over hearing a woman’s voice on the phone and he could still say I love you in text message.
He called women in the middle of the night or during the day. He would sit out in his car when he got home from work talking on the phone for sometimes hours. If the guy you are talking to hardly ever calls in the evening, if it’s always during work hours or late at night chances are he is involved. On the same vein; if you can’t call him or he rarely answers in the evening and text messages instead of calling, he’s got someone at the other end he’s doesn’t want to know he is talking to you.

If he is still living with the woman but it’s been over for a long time; he only stays because of finances, the kids, she is suicidal, or until the house sells – run!! it is bullshit

If a woman contacts you and says she is his wife or one of several women he is chatting with believe them. The odds are she is telling the truth and she is not a psycho making his life hell like he would like you to believe.

If a guy can’t meet you in person in a relatively short time frame assume he has other commitments that are getting in the way; like a wife and kids. If he is that busy with work then he is a workaholic and do you want to be with a man who can’t make time for you.
If you are talking on the phone and he has to get off suddenly (someone just walked in the room)

If he doesn’t want to show that he is involved with you and chat openly on Facebook and says it’s because his ex is on his Facebook and he doesn’t want to upset her either they haven’t been split long enough, he’s not being straight with her, they aren’t ex’s, or he has several women on there he is talking to. I am on some of my ex’s Facebook and I couldn’t care less if they are involved with a woman.

Pictures don’t prove anything! JC had pictures of a bunch of semi trucks and trailers that he told me were of the trucks he used to own when he had his own trucking company, also pictures of vehicles he had owned and a house he said he was buying. It was after we split and I was talking to his sister I found out none of it was true. Just because he shows you pictures of the places he’s traveled, the stuff he owns does not make it true.

If he won’t give you an address that you can verify something is not right

A lot of people don’t have a land line any more, which used to be a tell tale sign if you couldn’t call them at home but now that’s not so unusual.

Before you ever go to another town to meet a man, verify his address, his employment, call him at all hours and see if he answers. Google his username; you’d be surprised what comes up, sure other people could be using the same username but you can tell pretty quickly if it is him or not. People often use the same username for everything. JC used 2 different user names and when I Googled them he came up in a dozen dating sites, his comments on POF forums came up, all the porn sites he belonged to, every site he belonged to, his picasa web photos, etc. Googling their name probably won’t bring up stuff they don’t want people to see. I think it cost me $100 to do a search on a fellow in the states and it probably saved my life because he didn’t exist, now a days it is pretty easy to do your own search. The reason I paid for it was because when I did my own search I couldn’t find anything but when I paid for a search they didn’t find anything either, he didn’t exist.

The internet has just made it easier for a narcissist to spin his web and reach farther than prior to the net, in now way does it mean that they don’t exist off the web. Like I said I met JC in a bar, I was happy he wasn’t on the internet, I had sworn off of dating sites etc. so just because you meet a guy off the net doesn’t mean you are safe, they are every where. JC’s mother told me that she was looking for something and opened a box that was downstairs, it turned out to be one of JC’s boxes he had stored there and it was full of naked pictures of women and letter from them; he had been doing this for years. He would answer personal ads in the newspaper before there was the internet. Being a trucker was ideal for him also; he could have a woman in every town and had the perfect excuse for not being around much.

I found with JC, he would inadvertently tell me things about his past and I filed them for future reference. Like in the beginning he told me he had screwed around once on his long time common in law, she had always falsely accused him of cheating so when the opportunity presented itself he had thought, I am being accused anyway I might as well do it.; in other words he was telling me to not accuse him of cheating. That should have been my first red flag. Years later he was telling me about the two women he met in a ar that went back to his truck with him and they had a threesome, and about the women he had in different towns that he would see when he went through those towns and about calling a woman and saying I am coming through town pack a bag and ride with me and he’d fly them home a week later. When he went back to trucking 20 years later when he called and asked me to give it another try he thought he could do the same thing he did with her. He was building his trap line but I remembered him telling me about his past and was on to him.

What it all boils down to is; no matter where you meet a man, if he sounds too good to be true he probably is and you have to do your homework. If he is legit, he will understand and be an open book because he wants to reassure you. The minute he is defensive, offended, or “disappointed” you don’t trust him you should be concerned.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

Women Beware

Please go to the following post by Precarious Gait; it contains a very important message to all women.
http://thatprecariousgait.com/2012/03/10/thomas-murray-a-cautionary-tale/

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.