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How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Letter

The Letter

Lou (Talesfromthelou) expressed a concern about whether JC knows about my blog or not. I don’t know if he knows about it or if he has read it. I think if he had he would have been more specific in his letter, he usually throws vagueness around in hopes of covering all angles, just scare me into silence, in case I am thinking about stirring the pot.

I didn’t miss the threatening tone to JC’s letter. The part where he repeats how he will do what ever it takes to protect M and his new life. I actually took it very seriously because I know he means it. I am afraid of him because I think he is capable of almost anything, not necessarily physical harm but set me up some how, i.e.: hide drugs in my truck and phone in an anonymously to the police, disable my truck, bad mouth me to customers, anything to ruin me. If he has read my blog I am sure he would just say I am crazy and a bitch, the truth doesn’t scare him because he just reinvents it any way. No one would ever find it by Goggling his name, so they would have to know he was in a relationship with me to ever find it, someone like a new girlfriend.

I did send him a short email in response to his letter though. I said that as long as he stays away from the Turf and Amix when he knows I am going to be there the problem will be solved. I said, “Let her support your sorry unemployed ass” I also asked if he was threatening me and did I have to get another straining order and I told him that I had given the letter to someone for safe keeping and if I should have an “accident” he would be the first person they came looking for. I have not heard back, I didn’t expect I would.

I refuse to allow him to intimidate me into keeping his past a secret, that is why these guys continue to hurt and use women because no one ever says anything. I know I am taking a chance that he will seek revenge but if he has changed like he says then he has nothing to worry about does he? Realistically he and M have been together over a year, they are engaged, if they are so wonderfully happy anything I say should have no bearing on their relationship. If he is such a changed man M would think I was just a bitch trying to make trouble, BUT if they are having problems and she reads my blog then maybe he has reason to be concerned because she is going to realize history is repeating itself and he is using the same lines and manipulation on her that he used on me.

I know I over analyze things when it comes to JC, it’s a trained response from years of trying to keep one step ahead of him, decipher his lies and retain my sanity. So often I was being told black was white or I was off base being upset that I would analyze every situation from a logical and rational point of view and not from pure emotion, plus I need answers and I dig until I get them. In the beginning with him I took him at his word, actually for a long time, years, I truly believed he was honest and that he wouldn’t be able to lie to my face. He is very good at lying, giving just enough information that you think his conscience is bothering him so he came clean, but in actual fact he hasn’t even touched the tip of the iceberg about what is really going on. One thing for sure, with a narcissist what you think is going on is probably no where near what is truly happening, they are the masters at creating smoke screens.

I think the thought of being all alone scares the hell out of JC, I don’t think he knows what love is and “falls in love” with every second woman he meets. Depending on his life circumstances at the time he will choose anyone that he sees as having something he needs.
From what I know of M she is very straight laced, frugal, and responsible the exact opposite of JC and she was widowed, always been a housewife and had an empty place in her heart and her bed perfect for JC to slide right in and take her husband’s place. He came across as this poor guy who got taken by his psycho ex and he needed her to save him.

A narcissist will pick someone he has nothing in common with and change to suit the other person. He can be exactly what a woman wants, polite, charming, giving, empathetic, supportive, protective, helpful, even tempered, compromising, agreeable, fair, humorous, romantic, and he reveals just enough about his past and his indiscretions to appear honest, remorseful and wanting to change his ways and always the victim of a psycho ex that took advantage of his good nature and generosity. Once he has her firmly hooked his mask starts to fall off and his true colours shine through. When she realizes he is not what he projected to be she is disillusioned and wants the man she met back.

At that point the narcissist starts the gas lighting and the abusive roller coaster ride begins. I think JC and M’s relationship has hit that point. I think enough time has passed that she has discovered some of his lies, puzzle pieces aren’t falling into place, he has lost 8-10 jobs in just over a year, he hasn’t kept his promises to quit drinking and smoking, the money she lent him hasn’t been paid back, and he just lost another job. I am surmising that she has been voicing concerns about him losing yet another job (as any normal person would) and he is getting panicky, he is so close to sealing the deal; once they are married he has her basically “locked down” but it’s been a year and he can’t keep up the façade any more. That’s when he starts telling her that she is making him this way, that he’s never been abusive before her and it’s her nagging etc that drives him to do what he does. From her perspective she starts to think maybe it is her, he was so sweet and loving; how could a person put on an act THAT good, so she starts to walk on egg shells watching what she says in order to not offend him and she starts to make excuses for his behavior.

He know that the worst thing that could happen for him at this point would be for her to find out that this is exactly the way all his relationships have gone, that he was this way with me.

In the past JC would leave the area when he broke up with a woman, he would just up and be gone one day to another province, another country even without so much as a good bye letter. The new woman would have no way of checking his story. For whatever reason JC didn’t leave the area this time and I am very recognizable because of my truck and business name.

Anyway, he was playing M, me, and another married woman at the same time. When I discovered him at the married woman’s house he discarded me and the married woman totally and reeled M in. He discarded me in the cruelest ways possible and made me out to be a psycho bitch that was obsessed with him. Now things are starting to fall apart for him and M. It’s been over a year and his sister still won’t speak to him; he has made me out to be a psycho bitch yet I am still in contact with his family and his step-dad and mother make no bones about the fact that they like me ( he has even said that his step dad has nothing but glowing things to say about me and his mother has my art work on display and even showed M one of the pieces I painted for her) M must be wondering just how psycho I am or at the very least asking that age old question; what came first; the psycho bitch or the abuse.

I think that in November when he came to me crying and full of apologies, saying he always loved me and still loves me and didn’t care if M knew or if she saw him kiss me; he thought I would be so grateful for his attention I would be putty in his hands. I am not sure if he needed good strokes because they were having problems or he was just wanting to manipulate me but I didn’t take the bait and sent him an email immediately after our meeting telling him to please leave me alone, I didn’t know what game he was playing but I wasn’t interested in being a player in his orchestrated life. Then he showed up at my home and again cried and said he loved me and asked me to please “let things play out, you don’t know how things will turn out” and that he wanted to help me be “successful like him”. Once again I sent him an email telling him to stay away, he wasn’t successful, he had just managed to hook a widow with money and that he had used his ex’s to hurt me and I wasn’t interested in being a pawn in whatever game he was playing and I would not be used to hurt M, she had enough on her plate. I heard nothing back but a month later he shows up again at the Turf with the same lines; he has changed, he always loved me yada yada yada.

I sent another email only this time I sent it to his email address and what I believe to be her email address. ( the reason I believe it is hers is because his Edmonton mom was sending me emails and they showed all the people she had CC’d, JC’s email address was there and then he was on the list again, when I put my curser over his name an email address that made no sense for him came up; the last name and first initial of someone) the initial was an F, being the detective I have become from being involved with a pathological liar I Googled the name and a man came up and from what I read I knew it had to be her husband. I kept the address just in case I should ever need it and I used it to send a 7 page email (true to form for me……long) detailing how I had been asking him to stay away, that I didn’t want any further contact with him. I also mentioned some of the abuse I had suffered from him and that I hoped for M’s sake he had changed but I had no desire to be “friends” and have a front row seat to watch him give another woman everything and more than I had asked for and if he hadn’t changed why would I want to be his friend. I wrote about how he had told 6 women in 2 years that he loved them and how he had been playing me, M and P all at the same time and only dumped P and me after I discovered him at P’s house and that night he broke down in M’s driveway. It was a long detailed email. I never heard a word about it and never saw him again either so I gathered she or he had read it and he was staying away.

When he and I were still together he was addicted to Facebook and had hundreds, if not thousands of women on his friend list. Every time I signed into my Facebook I would get a list of all the people JC had “friended” in the middle of the night asking if I wanted to friend them too. It would be porn stars, models and other women from foreign countries and eventually I took him off my friend list just because I was so sick of seeing it. His sister did the same thing before I even did because it disgusted her also. He also was “friends” with a bunch of movie stars and musicians and talked like they were really friends (he was totally disillusioned; I tried to explain to him that they weren’t really his friends and he would argue with me so I dropped it. He had this one beautiful super model from Greece on his friend list and I saw one comment he made to a buddy from his home town where he told the guy that he had ‘biblical” knowledge of 6 women on his Facebook list but this woman from Greece was going to be the next “Mrs C”. I had said to him, do you realize how pitiful that makes you look, I am embarrassed for you. He blocked me on his Facebook.

Anyway, he popped back up on Facebook after he met M and only had 30 friends, I would check it once in a while some times it would be hidden and then it wouldn’t and he would have posted something I gather he wanted me to see, like “he had the best birthday……EVER… this year”. when he got his motorcycle. So after his last visit to apologize to me I was curious as to what was going on in his life and why he’d be coming around after we had been basically no contact for 6 months so I checked his Facebook and he had gotten engaged. He has everything else hidden, I can see his friends list, his photos and profile but nothing on his wall and then all of a sudden I was blocked again.

A couple of weeks ago when his sister Denise and I were broken down on the side of the road I had called a friend and he had come to help us and had left saying he would be back and it had been a couple of hours when Denise said she wanted to call JC and ask what he thought the problem was. I told her that I would never call him myself but if she wanted to call him it was up to her. He had been calling her and leaving messages and she hadn’t responded in over a year and I said it is probably time you two had a talk. I told her if she did talk to him to ask him if he would take kato for a while until I got a place.

She did call him but her phone was dying and she told him to call her on my phone. When the call came I answered and handed it directly to Denise. They talked a while and then he said after dinner he would come out but he would call before he left. In the meantime my friend showed up and we got the truck running. When JC called on my phone I handed Denise the phone and she answered it, she told him we were up and running but he wanted to come anyway.

When he got there he hugged her and went to give me a hug and I backed away, I handed them the two dogs and went and sat in my truck while they talked and walked the dogs. Next thing I know JC is on my side of the truck with money in his hand, so I rolled down the window and he handed me $40. I thanked him and he went to give me a hug again through the window but I didn’t respond.

Denise and I ended up running out of fuel a block from a gas station that sold propane but because it was after 10 pm they wouldn’t pump it so we ended up having to spend the night in the truck with the two dogs until the morning when they would sell us propane. Dumb I know, they were open 24 hours but made us sleep in the truck and would not sell us propane. *shaking head*

Sitting there all night in the truck, (not much sleeping got done that’s for sure) Denise decided to send a friend request to JC on Facebook. I said yeah, do a search for him and see what Facebook comes up, I’ve been blocked again but I am sure he must still have his old FB and the one I am allowed to see is not the one he had when we were together. Sure enough when she did a search on his name at the very top of the list was a totally different FB account for him. The one I can see has a picture of him and her as his profile pic, lists him as engaged, and shows who his friends are. The FB account that showed up when she searched has a picture of him with two other guys playing guitar, says nothing about being engaged and only shows Denise friends they have in common not the whole list or how many people are on it. Interesting!! Who needs two FB accounts??? The FB acct that was visible to me is not visible to her.

She sent the friend request and the next day when she searched his name both his accounts appeared on the list and when I searched only the one saying he is engaged showed up. It has been two weeks and he hasn’t accepted her friend request yet and I think he is wondering what to do; he has kinda been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and I am sure he knows I know.

A few days later he slows up at Amix again right at 4:30 and starts talking to me but I told him I didn’t have time to talk. He said to meet him when I was done and I didn’t and just left. At some point I mentioned I needed a laptop cord and he said he’d check if he had one.

So then he emails me and says he has a cord for me and would get it to me. A few days later he pulls in right behind me at the Turf and I can see M is in the car, I went in to cash my cheque and when I come out he is there petting the dogs. I had kinda figured he’d just throw the cord in the truck so I was surprised to see him. He handed me a brown envelop and I went to open it and he motioned not to but I did anyway, I pulled the cord out and threw the envelop into the truck, I thanked him, asked him what I owed him. He said nothing and that they were on the way to her brother’s and had to go and I said bye. I sent an email that night saying that the cord worked perfectly and thank you. He sent back that I should look in the envelop again and then I found the letter.

The letter doesn’t even make sense, seeing as I had already sent him 3 emails telling him to leave ME alone. I don’t have his phone number or his address so the only way I can see him is if he comes to me and the email I sent to him and her was sent in February and it is now May. Plus if he didn’t want to see me why wouldn’t he just throw the envelop in the truck and drive away, why give me the cord at all? It seems rather contradictory. Plus he hasn’t helped me, I was up and running when Denise and I saw him, I didn’t even talk to him.

Something else is going on and from my history with him I think she is getting upset that he has lost yet another job, he has owed her money for over a year and owes his step dad a lot of money. It must be obvious to her that I am not the reason he has nothing; it’s because he can’t keep a job.

The best way to get her off of his case would be to give her something else to worry about. I used to find a love letter to some other woman, or he’d “forget” to sign off the computer and I would discover he was in a dating site or communicating with some woman.

I think he probably left something out for M to find, an old love letter or one he wrote himself, right away M’s attention is diverted away from money and his lack of a job and she is now focused on whether he is screwing around on her. Now he makes a big production of telling me he loves her so much and is committed to her totally and she is so damned relieved that he still loves her that she forgets all about the job issue.

I won’t be contacting either of them again, the only reason I sent the email I did was because he wasn’t listening to me and I didn’t want to be used to manipulate M and I thought the best way to do that was to put the truth out there. I have made my point very clear to both of them in my email and I will walk the other way if I see him again.

But I still don’t trust him.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

The Internet and the Narcissist

Like I said in a previous post that you can read here https://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/wife-kriss-mom-victim-survivor-lady-witha-truck-carrie/, I had quite an addiction to the internet for a period of time after my marriage broke up. So I understand the attraction of the internet and how it can take over your life. I also know that no healthy person in a good relationship is going to jeopardize their relationship by being on the net excessively.
Either they are unhappy in the relationship and seeking a diversion or they have other issues; like being a narcissist.

My marriage fell apart because my husband wasn’t very motivated to work because I was making good money running my day care. Unfortunately I had waited too long for him to get his ass motivated to work and I was having to sell MY house to pay off our debt and his that I had co-signed for him.

Lesson # 1 for dating later in life. Keeping the house in your name when you get with a man with nothing does not necessarily protect your home. If you co-sign debt you are responsible for that debt and if you can’t pay you lose your home.

My experiences on the net:

I was burying myself on the net because I couldn’t deal with what was happening in real life.

And I mean b.u.r.y.i.n.g.!! I barely came up for air.

I was addicted to chat rooms and flirting (not porn or xxx dating sites just boring over 40 chat rooms).

I also had some sexy young studly type fellow beep in on my ICQ that I was chatting to.

Eventually the fellow on ICQ wanted to meet, wanted me to fly to Nashville to meet him. He was a sexy fellow I must say, and he made it sound very tempting. He sent me gifts and mailed me beautiful love cards, called constantly and I was seriously considering going. But I wasn’t going to meet any man without checking him out and asked for his address and land line phone number and hired a company called 1-800-us search and found out the fellow didn’t exist. No such name, no such number and the address was in an undeveloped industrial area. When he called the next time I gave him an earful and said to take a flying leap. Of course he had all kinds of crazy explanations like he was in the witness protection program.
Seee yaaaaa!!!!

There were two other fellow I talked to regularly one was a lawyer in Wichita. We shared the cost of my flight out to Wichita and had an ok weekend together. He wasn’t nearly as good looking or witty in real life. He had a harem in the chat room and I almost hadn’t gone because I had been vocal in the room about meeting and the other women were jealous.

* Beware of men with harems!

Nothing bad happened while I was there. Interestingly enough he wasn’t at the air port when I landed and I had some panic but I called, woke him up and he came and got me. I was happy to leave in two days and we never chatted again.

The other fellow, Jim, was ex FBI. I said, “Yeah and I’m an international spy! And shoot bad guys with my umbrella and talk to people with my shoe”.

He didn’t think that was funny. He actually needed to do a security check on me before I came. I did my own investigating of his info and he checked out. He had recently retired and wanted to take a trip with a woman and wanted me to be that woman. I said I couldn’t afford it and he said, “Did I ask you if you can afford it? It is worth the money to have you come on a vacation with me, I don’t want to go alone.”

So he booked my flight to North Carolina and I flew out for a 2 week all expenses paid vacation with a man I’d never met. I had the time of my life!!! He indeed had worked for the FBI and had the commendations to prove it. We spent a few days in North Carolina and then drove down to New Orleans. Every day, every single day, I woke up and there would be $100 in my wallet. If I spent $50 one day the next day I would have $100 again. I have never had a man treat me so well. I never had to ask for money and he never made me feel I owed him. He didn’t make a big deal about it, just topped up my wallet every morning. We laughed, we saw the sights, I cooked supper for his friends and he treated me like a queen the whole time I was there.

In New Orleans we met a female friend from the chat room and the 3 of us did up New Orleans with style. An outside Beach Boys concert that had the 3 of us dancing til we dropped, my g/f insisted I eat all the southern fare like Po’boys, and Jumbalaya, we walked the French Quarter, listened to jazz bands, and watched the fireworks on July 4th. I didn’t want to go home and knew it was a relationship that would go no where; just a great vacation. A month later he and my g/f met for a weekend and that kinda cured me of long distance romance.

After that I joined POF and dated a few local guys, each one a disappointment in one way or another. There was the guy who I met at a local night club who weighed at least 150 lbs more than what he had told me. Nice guy, brought me gifts, (homemade jams) but I was anorexic, obese and me just don’t work; sorry. Nothing against over weight people; I just can not get past the weight. Its my problem; just like I can’t date a guy who weighs less than me and is shorted than me. I just can not handle feeling like I can pick a guy up or if I roll over in the night I might squash him.

So the next guy didn’t work either; he was a nice looking black guy and I mean BLACK! He was meeting me at my cabin at the lake. I had walked with my son to the lake and was walking back when the fellow called to say he was at my house. I was walking up the street and couldn’t see him, his car was there but he was no where to be seen. Then on my porch in the dark shadows I see him smile. If it weren’t for the white teeth I would have totally missed him. And he had that great Jamaican accent but when he came out of the shadows my hopes dropped. He was all of 5’5″ and I outweighed him by at least 30 lbs and I was skinny. We had a great day but I was honest up front, I gotta have a man at least my height and weight. Its my hang up about being heavy but I have dated guys shorter than me (seems short guys like tall women) and I have found that many short guys want a tall woman to show off and they can have a “short guy attitude”. I don’t mean to offend short men and more than likely I have not met any short men reading this so you could be totally different. I am speaking from my experiences only. So please don’t send me hate mail. Like I said it is my problem.

The next fellow was a psycho personified; we didn’t get past the first phone call. He called several times; constantly and wanted to come up to my place at 11 at night and when I said no he got angry and called me all sorts of names I can’t repeat and then kept calling alternating between being apologetic and making excuses(he’d just quit smoking) and hating my guts. I eventually blocked his number.

Then I met Ian, a long distance guy again but at least in my country. Good looking, had a great job as a city planner, my height and we had a lot in common. He flew out to meet me in November and arrived with half a dozen Christmas gifts; nice but a little too much too soon. I had really liked him on the phone but in person I don’t know; it just wasn’t there for me. He loved me already which was a bit unsettling and gave me that feeling in my gut that tells me; you don’t want to go there.

In between these guys I met guys who even once we had met in person still continued chatting on line with me. Or guys who only wanted to talk online and not phone. There were the guys who only called late at night and wanted to know what I was wearing and wanted me to touch myself and send pictures.

There was the great looking guy who swore him and his wife were separated but he only called in the middle of the night, wanted phone sex, and I couldn’t call him. Upon further questioning he still lived with his wife but it was over; honest!
Seeeeee Yaaaaa!

I was waiting for another online date (this was going to be the last) when I met JC.

I could not believe my good fortune. We “clicked” we had so much in common it was almost spooky. From the first time we set eyes on each other there was something there I’d never felt before. Love at first sight? He was 6′, handsome, had a great sense of humor, owned property on the coast(lie), and he told me a bunch of other lies but at the time I took it as the truth. The one big thing in his favor was he didn’t even own a computer! Thank you God!!

He called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we had real in person dates and real in person sex. He cried when he told me he loved me the first time. He took me to meet his family, he wined and dined me. We blitzed Vancouver, hitting all the neat little shops, stopping to share an appetizer and have a drink in a quaint open air pub. He was nuts about me and from the first date we talked every night and saw each other 4 out of 7 nights.

From the first night together we slept wrapped up in each other waking up in the morning still holding each other; I had never experienced that before and I loved it. For the first time in my life when I went to bed with a man I felt that as long as I had his arms around me everything would be ok. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before.

The passion of our love making was almost intimidating to me. I had always been an adventuresome , playful and active participant when having sex but with him I was almost shy and I think it was because he was so powerful, the feelings were so powerful. He was insatiable, rarely did a night go by without making love 2 or 3 times in the night. I had never known a man who “could” do it time after time like that.

I moved in with him after about 4 months; I know it was quick but we were spending so much time together, money was tight for both of us and it just made sense.

I brought my computer, and in a heart beat everything changed. He didn’t want to ever leave the apartment, every time I walked in the room he’d shrink the screen. I knew I saw tits but he denied it.

Then came the day we were supposed to go to my folks for supper and he wasn’t ready to go. I nagged a bit to get off the computer and get ready and then I thought to hell with him I’ll go alone. When I got home he was still on the F’in computer and when I walked in I swore he shrunk the screen. I teased him about looking at porn and he denied it. I’m no dummy and we had such good communication I couldn’t believe he’d lie. So I checked and sure as shooting there was all these porn sites in history.

I jokingly told him he was busted and he got very defensive and blamed it on Kris my son who hadn’t been on the computer in months. That is when I checked history more and discovered his ad in LavaLife lookTo not have him come to bed was very upsetting for me, when I’d wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t come to bed I couldn’t help but cry or be angry; either way it was a horrible way to start the day. It was the last year that I stopped caring and when I knew it was over.

For years he said “If you knew the truth about the ads you wouldn’t be upset.” But he never told me the truth. I told myself that it was an ego boost for him that he needed to know he was still attractive and could get a woman if he wanted; it was innocent really.

He said things like:
When do I have time to meet any other woman?
I don’t know why you get so upset; you know we always end up together.
My reaction to the ads was what pushed him to go looking for other women.
Why didn’t I try to be more attractive instead of being angry then he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere.
I actually talked myself into accepting that the ads meant nothing and stopped reacting but if he wasn’t getting a reaction he upped the anti. He needed the reaction for narcissistic supply.

The situation escalated; as soon as I stopped reacting to something he would take it a step further. His communications got more personal; he stopped looking for casual sex and started looking for a relationship. I think he did go to meet a few of the women but for the most part from what I was reading it was mostly phone calls, plans to meet that fell through, and him professing his love and wanting her to commit to him and him promising the world.

Warning signs that the fellow you have met on the internet is not all he professes to be or that your man is being unfaithful on the net:

– On Facebook he had what I call “poser” pictures; JC had pictures that were provocative in a subtle way like the picture of him taking his shirt off and his abs showing. He was constantly taking pictures of himself especially the last couple of years.

– Even though we were in a committed relationship he never talked about his life with me on Facebook When ever he spoke about what he did on the weekend he spoke as if he did it alone.

– He kept his conversations private. Most people I know on Facebook have their settings so that all their friends can read their wall but he had his setting so only he could read his wall. Every conversation was private and he had many women from all over the world he was talking to. I felt uncomfortable to say anything personal on his Facebook.

– His life was larger than life and the women were giggly over his attention.

He had many sites where he chatted and had two Facebook accounts, one with just family and one where he was his fantasy self. He had one woman leave Facebook and they chatted on High 5, I don’t know what excuse he gave her as to why they had to go to a different site.

He had several women he chatted to on MSN chat. (I just about died when I went into MSN and he had changed his profile and had pictures of the 3 most important people in his life and it was his ex and her two kids. When I confronted him he said it wasn’t finished it was supposed to be the 30 most important people in his life. OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

One woman was sending him naked pictures (if a guy you have never met wants nude or semi nude pictures he is not in love with you!!! Give your head a shake!!) And he was telling her how he knew they had something special; he could feel it in his gut. He acted really jealous when she went out and said things like, “Save it for me” “I hope you are being good, I am”. (that was a message sent on New Years eve and he was with me)

He was telling another one that he couldn’t wait until the day he put a ring on his bride’s hand. When I confronted him on that he said, “I said my brides hand, I didn’t say she was going to be my bride.”

He loved everything each woman loved, with one he loved to dance (he danced with me 3 times in 10 years, he hated to dance)
He told another that he loved long walks (he never walked any where, he’d drive to the end of the driveway to get the mail)
He was an expert on everything, if he didn’t know it he looked it up.
He never traveled but online he loved to travel
He was always unemployed but online he was making $150,000 a year and at the point in his life he could set his own hours and taking time to enjoy life. (in reality he spent all his time at work when he had a job, had no money and never wanted to do anything fun)

When he left his accounts open and I found them when I went on the computer and I sent all the women each others letters he told them all that his psycho ex had hacked into his computer and was trying to ruin his life. He pleaded with them to not let her destroy what they had.

He’d tell them to go out side and look at the moon at a certain time and he would do the same and they would both be looking at the moon at the same time and for her to imagine his arms around her and some day soon it would happen.

Each woman was “the” one; he couldn’t get them out of his mind. If he couldn’t make a planned meeting and she understood he would say, “I knew I loved you for a reason, that’s my girl I knew you’d understand”.
His phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but he would be text messaging a few minutes later. Sometimes when I would call him he wouldn’t answer and then text message me saying he was busy and would call right back. It didn’t take long before I figured out that if he was with someone else he wouldn’t answer his phone and just text message, he could do that without the person he is with over hearing a woman’s voice on the phone and he could still say I love you in text message.
He called women in the middle of the night or during the day. He would sit out in his car when he got home from work talking on the phone for sometimes hours. If the guy you are talking to hardly ever calls in the evening, if it’s always during work hours or late at night chances are he is involved. On the same vein; if you can’t call him or he rarely answers in the evening and text messages instead of calling, he’s got someone at the other end he’s doesn’t want to know he is talking to you.

If he is still living with the woman but it’s been over for a long time; he only stays because of finances, the kids, she is suicidal, or until the house sells – run!! it is bullshit

If a woman contacts you and says she is his wife or one of several women he is chatting with believe them. The odds are she is telling the truth and she is not a psycho making his life hell like he would like you to believe.

If a guy can’t meet you in person in a relatively short time frame assume he has other commitments that are getting in the way; like a wife and kids. If he is that busy with work then he is a workaholic and do you want to be with a man who can’t make time for you.
If you are talking on the phone and he has to get off suddenly (someone just walked in the room)

If he doesn’t want to show that he is involved with you and chat openly on Facebook and says it’s because his ex is on his Facebook and he doesn’t want to upset her either they haven’t been split long enough, he’s not being straight with her, they aren’t ex’s, or he has several women on there he is talking to. I am on some of my ex’s Facebook and I couldn’t care less if they are involved with a woman.

Pictures don’t prove anything! JC had pictures of a bunch of semi trucks and trailers that he told me were of the trucks he used to own when he had his own trucking company, also pictures of vehicles he had owned and a house he said he was buying. It was after we split and I was talking to his sister I found out none of it was true. Just because he shows you pictures of the places he’s traveled, the stuff he owns does not make it true.

If he won’t give you an address that you can verify something is not right

A lot of people don’t have a land line any more, which used to be a tell tale sign if you couldn’t call them at home but now that’s not so unusual.

Before you ever go to another town to meet a man, verify his address, his employment, call him at all hours and see if he answers. Google his username; you’d be surprised what comes up, sure other people could be using the same username but you can tell pretty quickly if it is him or not. People often use the same username for everything. JC used 2 different user names and when I Googled them he came up in a dozen dating sites, his comments on POF forums came up, all the porn sites he belonged to, every site he belonged to, his picasa web photos, etc. Googling their name probably won’t bring up stuff they don’t want people to see. I think it cost me $100 to do a search on a fellow in the states and it probably saved my life because he didn’t exist, now a days it is pretty easy to do your own search. The reason I paid for it was because when I did my own search I couldn’t find anything but when I paid for a search they didn’t find anything either, he didn’t exist.

The internet has just made it easier for a narcissist to spin his web and reach farther than prior to the net, in now way does it mean that they don’t exist off the web. Like I said I met JC in a bar, I was happy he wasn’t on the internet, I had sworn off of dating sites etc. so just because you meet a guy off the net doesn’t mean you are safe, they are every where. JC’s mother told me that she was looking for something and opened a box that was downstairs, it turned out to be one of JC’s boxes he had stored there and it was full of naked pictures of women and letter from them; he had been doing this for years. He would answer personal ads in the newspaper before there was the internet. Being a trucker was ideal for him also; he could have a woman in every town and had the perfect excuse for not being around much.

I found with JC, he would inadvertently tell me things about his past and I filed them for future reference. Like in the beginning he told me he had screwed around once on his long time common in law, she had always falsely accused him of cheating so when the opportunity presented itself he had thought, I am being accused anyway I might as well do it.; in other words he was telling me to not accuse him of cheating. That should have been my first red flag. Years later he was telling me about the two women he met in a ar that went back to his truck with him and they had a threesome, and about the women he had in different towns that he would see when he went through those towns and about calling a woman and saying I am coming through town pack a bag and ride with me and he’d fly them home a week later. When he went back to trucking 20 years later when he called and asked me to give it another try he thought he could do the same thing he did with her. He was building his trap line but I remembered him telling me about his past and was on to him.

What it all boils down to is; no matter where you meet a man, if he sounds too good to be true he probably is and you have to do your homework. If he is legit, he will understand and be an open book because he wants to reassure you. The minute he is defensive, offended, or “disappointed” you don’t trust him you should be concerned.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.