Tag Archives: Porn

What’s Porn Got To Do With Anything

I love TedX Talks and watch them quite often. You can always find something of interest to watch and they cover every topic imaginable under the sun.miley

I have never had an issue with porn; I even watched it with various partners; that is until I met JC. THEN I had a problem with it!! Prior to meeting him I had never had a man prefer porn to having sex with me. Prior to JC I had never gone up to a man wearing something sexy and revealing and had him push me away, or tell me to go to bed he was going to be right there and then wake up in the morning and realize he had never come to bed. Almost daily I would get up and find him either still glued to the screen or asleep with his face on the keyboard, it was probably the most ego destroying thing that ever happened to me. It destroyed my confidence about my body and my sleepingattractiveness, my ability to attract men and keep them satisfied sexually.

Something I had never had a hang up about in all my years as a sexually active woman slowly became my biggest insecurity. I suppose that was his intent, after all he set out to destroy me and it was obvious I did not have a hang up with sex and so he made it his goal to change that about me.

From my research into narcissists and psychopaths I have discovered that many of them are addicted to porn. I didn’t think of it past the insult it was to me and yes some of the stuff JC watched was violent and i didn’t like that he watched it, I didn’t like that he seemed to favor the “Barely legal teens” category. I still was taking it as a personal insult and I most certainly did not see the correlation between the fact that in porn people don’t touch, it is all about penetration and not caressing or kissing or anything close to loving and the fact that JC stopped doing anything to arouse me. It was a rather gradual shift, starting with him coming to bed later and later, then it was him pulling me on top of him and I felt like I was nothing more than a vagina for him to relieve himself after hours of watching porn. I mentioned it once, that I wondered some times if he even knew who he was screwing and if I said anything would I snap him out of his sexual fantasy. It eventually got to the point where he would only undo his zipper and not even take his pants off, yet I would be naked. Then the last year or so (that I know of) I discovered he was video taping us having sex. I told myself that at least he was looking at us and not God knows who. Personally, when I accidentally viewed one of the tapes; after his son accidentally viewed it (God help me I think that was one of the MOST devastatingly embarrassing moments of my life)I was mortified. It led me on a search of the internet to see if he had posted it on one of those amateur porn sites. I never found any on the web, but I did find other things he was doing on the net that i really didn’t need to know. A word of warning to anyone who goes snooping on the net; be prepared to find more than you bargained for; enough said.porn

The only time he put any effort into my pleasure was when we were split and then he was the best lover I had ever had and besides that I loved him so deeply I never turned him down when he wanted sex it was the only time I felt wanted by him and it was the closest thing to love I got from him for a long time.

The fellow in this video explains why there is no touching with men who watch porn and how porn affects our whole society. I will let you watch the video and maybe we can discuss it when you are done because I can see a very real correlation between porn and the narcissist. See what you think.

Advertisements

Ambushed

I was in a very tiny old trailer, it had one bedroom with a double bed and very small open living area, but it had a large covered concrete patio. The patio was closed in with lattice work with a screen door entering it. I had strung white lights through the lattice and they provided a warm glow. My son slept on the couch so with JC there it was crowded. After a week I asked when he was getting out and he said he wasn’t ready. I told him this is what he had wanted and now he had to live with his decision, it wasn’t fair to me or Kris for him to stay.

He was pissing off the neighbours by working on his truck in the middle of the roadway. The landlord was getting complaints and I had told him my son was moving in but not JC. Still JC did not leave, I called the police and asked to have him removed and they said I would have to evict him.
*I forgot to mention that before JC moved out of the house I went over to borrow the truck, my son was there working on a car he had bought off JC (actually my mom bought it). JC wouldn’t let me use the truck but I went to take it anyway and JC ran out of the house and threw me out of the truck. My son stepped in and said,” If you ever hit my mom you’ll have to deal with me”. JC said, “I’ve already hit your mom and I’ll hit you too punk”
Kris ran off to get a baseball bat. He came to his senses dropped the bat and came home. Anyway even after that my son wanted to save JC’s stuff and welcomed him to stay for a few days but this was going too far.
Everyday I asked JC to please move out. He wasn’t happy to be there, he was miserable, sullen and distant. So leave!!
I put all his stuff out on the patio. I was very careful to not damage anything and even took my photos out of a rubbermaid container and put them in a card board box so his photos wouldn’t get wrecked. When I got home there was some kind of liquid spilt on the patio with a pool of it by the storage room door. My girlfriend lived nextdoor and when she saw I was home she walked over with her dog, I saw her dog licking the liquid and then she left. A little while later her dog was convulcing. She took her dog to the vet and I deciding to check out the source of the liquid. I opened the shed door and there was an empty antifreeze jug on the floor and all my photos were sopping wet. I was heartbroken, JC said it had been an accident.

I had designed and had made a ring for my son for his 16th birthday using old jewelry I had. It was very cool, the gold was formed into his initials, KO. I had a small diamond set in for my birthday and his birthstone was sapphire. I also had a dinner ring made for myself with the 2 stones set in. Both rings disappeared. We never found them by I have my suspicions as to where they went. (interestingly years later when JC got engaged to the young girl in Africa their rings were designed very much the same)

I started to feel very uneasy with JC around, one minute he would be friendly to Kris and I and then later act like he couldn’t stand us. He bought contact lens but made a big deal about the fact that he couldn’t put them in by himself. I never saw him wear them. One day he had gone out and I noticed his glasses on the fridge. I thought, “omg JC forgot his glasses, he’s blind without them, how could he see to drive?”

Then I noticed it was just glass in the frames. I thought it was strange but put them back on the fridge and forgot about them.

I kept putting JC’s things back out on the patio whenever he brought stuff in yet he did not leave.

He worked for two weeks putting lights on his truck. He mounted 3 high powered fog lights in his front bumper and really bright hallogen bulbs in his headlights. Then he mounted a directional search light to the roof of his truck on the drivers side. He installed two directional work lights to the head ache rack on the back of his truck.

I was walking up to the trailer one evening and could hear cupboards slamming. Ignoring my gut I went in. JC had been going through all my cupboards and pulled out my receipts, journal, all my info on domestic violence, my calendar with dates marked when he had been violent, letters he had written me and he was furious. He started in on me immediately with his right or wrong, yes or no crap and I said I was not going to discuss anything with him.  He just kept badgering me so I went to leave but he blocked my way, my purse was on the kitchen table but I couldn’t get to it. He was pushing me around so I tried to go in the bathroom to get away from him but he pushed the door open before I could lock it. I managed to squeeze past him, giving him a push as I did and ran!!! As I passed the kitchen table I grabbed my purse and didn’t look back until I was in my car with the doors locked. He was standing at the screen door staring at me as I pulled away and headed into town. My phone started ringing immediately, it was JC telling me to come back, I refused and hung up. He kept calling and finally I weakened and picked it up.
Me – yes
JC – Baby, I love you
Me – I love you too, but you scared me.
JC – baby, I would never hurt you I just wanted you to admit some things, for the first time I felt we were getting some where. We can work it out baby. Come home please.
Me – I just need some time ok? I’ll come back in a while I just need time to think ok?
JC – OK Baby, I really do love you.
Me crying – I love you too, I’m just tired of the fighting.
JC – oh baby, I hate it when you cry, just come home please. We don’t have to talk, but you’re too upset to be driving around. Where are you, I’ll come get you?
Me – No, I’m ok. Honest, I’ll come home in a bit.
JC – Ok. Babe?
Me – yes
JC – I love you more than ever.
Me – I love you too JC.

I pulled over to the side of the road to take a deep breath and get my wits about me and realized how much I was shaking.

Right about then Kris walked past with a couple of friends pushing his bike. When he saw me of course he was immediately concerned. I told him JC and I had a fight, so I left but we had talked on the phone and he was calmed down I just didn’t feel like going back yet.

Kris put his bike in the trunk and we decided to visit friends who lived near by. JC called again and I told him where I was and to please stop calling and give me some time to think. I refused to answer my phone after that and my friends poured me a glass of wine and we talked. Kris sat with us a while and then went outside with friends. I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing. At one point he asked to borrow my cell phone because his was dead and I let him use it.

Before I knew it it was 3 am and I was exhausted. JC called again and I asked him to please just go somewhere for the night and we could talk in the morning but I was just too tired to face him tonight. He agreed to leave me alone. I told Kris he could come with me as long as he promised to not go on and on about JC, I just wanted to sleep. I knew he would worry if he didn’t come so I let him drive me home. I called JC to say I was on my way home and Kris was with me. He said to give him 5 more minutes. I said ok and then my phone died.
JC tried to call again but my phone didn’t have enough charge left and dropped the call.
We got home 10 minutes later and JC’S truck was parked across the front of the trailer with all his spot lights blazing, so we parked across the street.

Something was not right about the whole scene. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but my gut was telling me to not stay. I was so tired, all I wanted was my bed.

Kris got his bike out of the trunk and I said, “Now don’t go looking for a fight, we’ll just walk right past him, into the trailer and lock the door.

JC’s spot lights were blinding, it was hard to even see the ground. We had to squeeze between the deck of the truck and the lattice work to get in the door and once we were inside it was pitch black. It took a minute for my eyes to adjusted before I could even see the door of the trailer. I heard Kris say, “I thought I told you to get out”.
I turned and all I got out was, “Kris”
JC was on Kris and Kris was saying, “I don’t want to fight JC, just leave.”
I tried to get between them but JC threw me out of the way, and threw Kris on to the patio table that collapsed under their weight. I was trying to dial 911 but couldn’t I was shaking so badly, so I screamed for help. I tried to pull JC off Kris and when that didn’t work I climbed on his back and started bashing him in the head with my phone.  I saw a chain wrapped around JC’s fist and tried to hold back his arm. I kept screaming for help, time seemed to be standing still; why wasn’t anyone coming?!!!
Then somewhere in the darkness I heard, “Do you want us to call the police?”
Omg, finally!!
Me – JC stop, its over, people are here.
He looked at me almost like he didn’t recognize me.

How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Ok I have ragged on and made fun of JC enough now, I think I got it out of my system. But it did make me feel better to remind myself why I don’t want him back, why I am better off and that he hasn’t had a miraculous healing and turned into the man he pretended to be. If I had been honest and thinking with my rational, logical mind, I would have left about 4 months into the relationship and saved myself 9.6 years of misery. But looking in the rear view mirror makes it hard to go forward (I made that up myself :)) and that is what I have to do. That doesn’t mean I am “over” him, well I suppose that depends on your definition of “over”. It is going to take a long time to recover from him, but I am over him and his lying ass.

The one thing we all have to remember, we as in; the victims of narcissist/psychopath abuse is; people don’t change a hell of a lot and no one, not you, not me and not the OW can fix a narcissist/psychopath. I am not talking about your run of the mill adulterer or miserable a-hole, I am talking about the pathological liar, porn addicted, cheater who raped your soul and kicked you while you lay there bleeding wondering what the hell happened. He is not going to change. A person can have addiction issues, they can control the addiction, some times on their own but more than likely with the help of rehab, counseling, or a support group such as AA, or SA. A person can have an affair and never have one again (though statistics prove the odds of them doing it again are high), a person can tell a little white lie or a big lie for that matter and not be a narcissist, but when they lie to you from day one about major things and they have done it their whole life, the odds of them stopping are pretty slim. If they have hit every woman they have ever been with they will hit the next woman too; and if they are ALL those things they are a narcissist and you are supposed to run away!! They like to make it sound like we drive them to behave the way they do, no one has that kind of power over someone else. I have to remind myself of these things often. A person can change something about themselves (usually with help) but they can’t change everything about themselves and maintain it; they never have and they aren’t going to now with the new woman. He lied and put on a good front for you and he is for her too but even IF he did change, I could never go back now so I might as well move on best I can. That being said:

My situation hasn’t changed at all but I am feeling a bit of the old Carrie peeking through once in a while. I am starting to appreciate what I do have and as of Thursday I have paid my storage for another month and paid my truck insurance for another month and only have my cell phone yet to pay.

Something else hit my windshield and left a huge spider web right in my line of vision so a new windshield is definitely top on my To-Do List. I have been given some ideas on what to look for with my truck running rough and I am going to buy a Haynes Manual for a 1991 GMC and figure out how to change my own U-joints.

A customer pointed out yesterday that I’ve lost a muffler clamp so that would account for some of the rattling; it should be an easy fix.

I find I start getting chest pains as soon as I head home so I think I am having anxiety attacks and not necessarily heart attacks.

I had that great chat with that fellow the other day when I went to see where the road went and then Wednesday got hugs from Fred and Maria and that helped with my outlook. As always the gang at Amix always puts a smile on my face. I didn’t make it into Amix yesterday, I wasn’t feeling great, chest pain wise and had a hard time getting moving so I did a few local pickups. It’s been Spring Clean Up in Mission this last week and I haven’t gone out looking at all so decided I’d take a cruise around and see what I could get. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was one of those days when people were really friendly, maybe I looked more approachable? Who knows, but it’s the kind of thing that grows, you know? You smile, they smile back, you both feel better so you smile at the next person and they smile at the next person and by the end of the day there are a bunch of people thinking; “Gee I had a good day, people were so friendly”.

I probably timed it right too, I went around just after supper time when people were putting their stuff out to the curb for garbage day and there weren’t many scrap haulers out yet or they’d gone home for supper.

You see different areas have different pick up days, during Spring Clean Up many people will put their garbage out early in the week and that is what guys have been picking up all week, but there are still the few that wait until their pick up day and those are the ones I got. I had one lady yell after me that they were bringing out another battery and more metal and to come back. I turned around and probably chatted with them for 15 minutes. Another guy called me over and had some checker plate aluminum and we chatted a while. I talked to a couple of women who were just out “shopping” for whatever they could find. The dogs are always attention getters and conversation starters.

I got some good stuff for the flea market and almost a full load of scrap. I still got home in the day light which was nice because I am always so nervous when I get home in the dark. I had picked up some purple mini Christmas lights in my travels and decided to string them up along the trailer so now when I get home late I just have to plug them in and it won’t be so scary.

That sort of scares me in itself because it means I am adapting, adapting means getting comfortable and I don’t want to get comfortable living here.

I have been trying to figure out why I have been so upset and I know part of it is wishing my family was different, but they are what they are and nothing has changed in 54 years so I doubt anything is going to change now. I think part of the problem is that I was always so stable, reliable, self-sufficient and predictable. I was who everyone came to when their world fell apart. When my mom and dad split after 30 yrs my mom arrived on my doorstep, literally. She even moved into a place 5 doors down from me, for a year when I said grandma was coming over my son who was 2 at the time would run in the bathroom and grab a roll of toilet paper because he knew grandma would be crying. For a year I didn’t have a date come over without my mom being there, she even lived with me for about a month until I finally said “If you don’t go I will.”

My brother, 9 years younger than me had a second mom in me. I think I worried more than my mom did. He forgets how many times I brought him food, lent him money, cleaned up after one of his parties, gave him a vehicle to drive, and generally was “just there” through some pretty rough times when my mom “couldn’t handle it”. There has never been a time I didn’t have time for my family. There are 3 of us that’s it, so I’ve always thought we had to stick together.

For some reason being homeless has always been a big fear of mine; having nightmares about it type fear. I used to pray that God would keep a roof over my head until Kris was out of the house and then I didn’t care what happened. I should have been more careful about what I prayed for because it was about the time Kris moved out that I got involved with JC and have struggled to not be homeless since. While with JC, homelessness was horrifying and traumatic but I could adapt better because I was with him, I didn’t have to do it all alone, I was reliant on him, he was in control.

Before Kris moved out and before homelessness was an actual possibility I used to tell myself that I had enough equity, enough credit, enough RRSP’s, and enough work experience I would never be homeless and IF by some fluke I did end up homeless my mother would never let me live on the streets, she would take me in until I got on my feet again. It was really hard to take when I found out I was wrong on all counts.

I doubt anyone wants to be homeless, but some people care where they live more than others. I am one of the people who need a home; I need a place I go home to, my little safe haven. It doesn’t have to be fancy, I will work my ass off making it a home, but I need a home. I need a place where I can walk through the door, sigh, pour a hot bath, put on my jammy’s and curl up on the couch.

I need dirt to dig in and gardens to putz in; I am missing my gardens big time right now. Now is when I would be weeding and checking to see how all my plants fared through the winter, I’d be marveling at the sprouts breaking through the dirt and thrilled to see who all survived the winter. I’d be separating bulbs and rearranging plant locations for the ones that didn’t do so well where they were last year and planning where I would find room for new additions and where I could dig up another patch of sod and plant more flowers. I’d have my gardening books out and pouring over them planning a water garden or shade garden, picking out some new feature plant I have to have. I drove past my favorite nursery last night on the way home and the truck almost turned in all on its own. In spring I can rarely make it past without turning in and buying at least one plant. But I kept going, no dirt to dig in this year and oh do I miss it.

I miss cooking dinner for friends and family. I used to do that a lot, everyone raved about my cooking and baking; then for years JC and I didn’t have a kitchen. All my recipe books were stolen (along with all my other stuff they didn’t just take the books), you know all those tried and true recipes you collect over the years that you know by heart but still need the recipe as a reminder.

I had a realtor friend who used to say he loved selling my houses because no matter where I lived I made it feel homey and welcoming, he said he never had to “sell” my homes they sold themselves. That’s because I love home, I love pulling up to my house and seeing my gardens and walking through the door and being “home”. I love my son to be able to come “home”. I was “homemaker extraordinaire” at work they teased me about being a “Martha Stewart wannabe” and my middle name is Sue so I was used to the “Suzy Homemaker” label. Home is what I was all about and it has been a long time since I felt I was “home”.

I have talked before about my mom and step dad selling my trailer. It was one of the most hurtful things I have experienced and I am not able to let it go, I think I have and then I find myself feeling resentful over it and I really don’t know how to deal with it. My mom and I didn’t talk for 2 years and my step dad still won’t talk to me. Mom and I talked and I told her how I felt and she didn’t seem to understand why I had been so upset but I said my piece and I thought I could just let it go now. What’s done is done and as it turns out they are closing the park and I would have had to move eventually anyway. But it wouldn’t have been my own family putting me out and that is the difference, plus they have helped out my brother, and my step dad’s daughter and son and no one else had to give back what they got and besides I wasn’t “given” anything I was paying it back with interest.

When they decided to sell they said they should never have done it to begin with, help me that is, that they should have let me stand on my own two feet (which I had done for many years). In my mind once you make a commitment you don’t just back out of it 6 months later and say ooops, shouldn’ta done that, get out and then take an 8 week vacation because it was a prior commitment. I loved that trailer and I loved having a home, I did Christmas dinner even though I knew I had to move and it was great to have a houseful of people again. I was devastated to have to move.

I don’t want to be bitter I don’t want to hold a grudge. I think more than anything it wasn’t even what was done as much as how it was done. They told me in late November they were going to sell the trailer, JC had been in Red Deer for 2 months and we had not talked at all. JC called me the beginning of December and told me the middle of December he had been given 6 months to live and asked to come and talk to me. I knew at the time of his first phone call I was having to move but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to think I was needy.

When he told me he only had 6 months to live and wanted us to try again I thought maybe it was a sign that it was supposed to be, I was losing the trailer he wanted me back. what did I have to lose? The man I had loved for 8 years was making all sorts of promises and saying things I had longed to hear for 7 years so I agreed to try again.

I am 95% certain (never say never) that had I not had to move I would have jeopardized my home and gone back to JC. But my mom and step dad told everyone they sold the trailer because I went back to JC.

Even if that had been the reason they sold it I still think they would have been wrong to do it. the trailer was in my mom and my name so he couldn’t have touched it and I would have had a secure safe place to live and not been at his mercy for 2 years and would not be in the financial mess I am in now.

I am not blaming them for my situation I am a big girl and I made the choice to go back. In my opinion, as a person who’s been there; you should never pull your support from a woman you think is involved with an abusive man. If there was one thing I would advise people with a loved one in an abusive relationship; it would be:

If you care about them at all, do not let the victim feel they have no where to go or that no one cares; you might as well hand her over on a silver platter to the abuser because you are giving him exactly what he wants………total control over her.

Like I said I have been having chest pains this week and stayed home from work on Monday because of it. Monday night about 10 the pains weren’t any better if anything they had gotten a bit worse so I sent my mom an email saying that I wasn’t feeling well and if she didn’t hear from me by noon the next day maybe she should send someone to check on me. I hit send not knowing when it would send because of my sporadic service up here. I got up at 7:30 am feeling better enough to try working and emailed saying as much but of course it didn’t send right away. Then I got service and I could hear the notification of a bunch of emails coming in, I check and one is from my mom sent at 8 am asking if I am ok and then there is one scathing one from my brother who also sent it via text message to make sure I didn’t miss it.

It said, “WTF, are you trying to put mom in an early grave? How would you feel to get a message from your kid like that? (I replied I had gotten worse and rushed off to Kelowna to be with him) Get to the fucking hospital. Park the truck and tell me where it is and I will take care of the dogs as soon as I can. Email me if you are lying on the floor. If I don’t hear from you I’ll have to come out to stop mom from coming.”

Far from loving in my estimation, and I haven’t heard another word from either of them since. From my point of view; if I go the hospital I will be in there for a week, that means no money for a week and no one is going to pay my bills for me, I live 45 minutes to an hour from the hospital and didn’t want to load up the dogs and drive all that way by myself, I didn’t have phone reception. But I didn’t want to croak and lay up here for a week or more until someone got concerned and came to check on me. I did say to not worry until noon. If I would have driven to the hospital would no one tell my mother? Of course they would and like she said the last time I had my heart attack, “You know we can’t keep doing this, your brother isn’t going to be able to take the dogs every time you have a heart attack and every one has their own lives to lead.”

I guess I’ll find someone else to check on me. I am not going to air my brother’s dirty laundry on here but believe me he is no one to talk about poor choices. My mother is not ill either btw, she just can’t deal with trauma and I should know that; my mother prefers to live her life with the philosophy of “what I can’t see won’t hurt me” and keep her head firmly planted in the sand.

So thinking about all these things I have made a “To Do” list and this is what it consists of:
Organize and make an inventory list of all the stuff for the flea market. I have become friendly with a fellow at the auction house and he goes up to Yale (about an hour away and on a main tourist route) and makes $700 or more a weekend selling. He is going to help me learn the ropes of buying and selling at flea markets and such which is something I have always had an interest in and could be lucrative. I hope to go the long weekend in May.
Which bring me to the next thing on my list, get the truck running properly even if it means doing it myself. I have talked to a local guy and he is always around and will give me help if I get really stuck, besides if worse comes to worse I will go down to the local (only) store, restaurant, gas station, & meeting hall around coffee time and recruit myself a good old boy to help me.
Which leads to another fellow I ran into Wednesday. He hauls scrap out of Whistler/Squamish area and he has told me before I should go up there; there’s lots of scrap around. But it is a good couple of hours from here and my truck has to be runnig well. He offered to take me up with him one day and introduce me to some people and kind of show me around which I would be very grateful for. I gave him my card and he said he’d call me.
Finish getting my teeth fixed. I have been so traumatized from the last appointment I haven’t been back but I have to just do it.
Start painting again. I enjoy it, it’s relaxing, it has made me money in the past and can again, maybe in Yale if I can paint some touristy type things that I won’t have to charge much for, I’ve got a few ideas and will post pictures when I get some done.
Get out of the house sooner in the day and get home earlier.
Make the place a little more welcoming and livable, as much as I don’t want to get too settled or settle for living a life I don’t want to live, being unhappy about coming home is not helping my state of mind. I have to “cheer” the place up a bit.
Get my finances in order, I haven’t filed taxes since 2006 for several reasons but I don’t have an excuse now so I have started entering my receipts into my accounting program and will file for all the back years. I should have some money coming back to me, even if only GST for all those years. This is a big job!!! But I’ve started that’s the first step.
Getting my finances in order is necessary if I want to apply for a government grant for assistance starting up “Ladies With Trucks”.

That is it for now. I have to lighten up on myself. I have been surviving, barely for the most part; because I just haven’t had the strength to do much else. I have tried to explain to my family how I feel, how absolutely drained physically and emotionally I am and yes it is my own fault like they say, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is the way I feel and I have to have time to recover. I haven’t had a moment to heal, to veg, to take a break and rejuvenate, I had to hit the ground running when I left JC, any down time I had was when the truck was broken down and I couldn’t work which was only more stress. My family wants me to “get over it” , “get my shit together” and “get back to normal”, “get a real job”, they “never liked JC”, they “always knew he was no good”, they “can’t understand why I stayed or went back”.

I have a blog, they all know about it, not one of them, including my son has ever read even one post. I know if it was my kid, brother, any one I loved and I knew they were going through something that I didn’t understand I would read their blog and learn what I could so I could understand. But that is me and I think right now it is healthier for me to not expect anything of them, I will do it on my own, with the help of many wonderful people around the world who give me words of encouragement, prayers, understanding and compassion and laughs too!! 🙂 Thank you all.

Love
Carrie

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Where Do Narcissists Come From?

Where do Narcissists Come From?

There are conflicting views on how a narcissist comes to be; some experts say they are born that way, like any other birth defect their’s is that they are born without a soul, they aren’t wired right, when souls were being handed out they were in the bathroom looking in the mirror and missed out.

There are the experts that blame it on the mother, either she was a nasty controlling bitch who instilled a hatred for women in her man child, or the narcissist male was so spoiled, catered to and adored by his mother he became totally self absorbed. There is also the belief that some traumatic event or horrible abuse as a child made them shut off their feelings.

I don’t believe it is the way they were raised or a traumatic event, because they would have SOME guilt or desire to change if that were the case, they would know the devastation they cause, see the trail of destruction and at some point what to stop it. If they were born with a soul there would be some way to fix them and someone some where would have some memory of the person being different. JC has always been the way he is and yes he had some traumatic events in his life, because of the way he operated; always on the edge of the law, always pushing the limits, always ignoring rules and regulations, angering the wrong people and generally living as the rebel without a cause. Even as a young child he broke the rules, manipulated his parents by hurting himself to get out of trouble and tormented his brother by feeding his fears and teasing him.

The thing is, they don’t really know the destruction they cause because they don’t have the ability to empathize, they don’t have the same feelings as the rest of us so how can they fully understand the pain they cause? They don’t understand why we are so upset, why don’t we go out and get another guy, why don’t we use someone like they do? I know JC is confused by my inability to just move on to the next guy. Why don’t I find myself a man with money and then I wouldn’t have to do without? In his mind he is successful, because he has a house, a new car to drive and a summer house on the coast, he doesn’t care how he got it; he’s got it and that makes him successful. Most men would rather die than live off of a woman but a narcissist doesn’t have those feelings, he doesn’t possess the desire to earn what he has he is only concerned with image, how things look. He isn’t even concerned that someone might think he is using the woman because he doesn’t compute that not everyone thinks like him. He knows that society expects a person to work so he will but he never puts a lot of effort in, the only effort he puts in is to look like he is working but he will take short cuts whenever possible and not be invested in his job. Things that other men take pride in don’t even enter his mind.

He just assumes the world functions as he does; do whatever, say whatever, promise whatever you need to in order to get what you want. Picking a mate is as calculated as finding 10 or so women and then narrowing it down to who is the most receptive and who has what he wants; and in the end the woman that “wins” him gets to give him what he wants until she runs out and then he will move on and it is up to her to find another man to fix the mess the narcissist left her in.

I have my own theories on how they came to be, the first one came to me years ago, when I was watching; almost from a distance as he raged at me, hovering over me with his fist raised to hit me and I knew I was seeing pure evil. An evil so powerful it froze me, as if he was the devil himself; hatred and loathing oozing out of his pores. Is it any wonder I denied it? Who wants to believe that kind of evil exists let alone that you love “it”, it is easier to believe you are crazy than to accept the man you love is that depraved. But the devil can’t work alone, right?

Just as God has his angels down here on earth doing his work, the devil too must have……. whatever you call his henchmen, devils in training? doing his work. They say that 1 in 4 people are narcissistic and the numbers are growing and they say the end of the world is coming, I’m just saying, could it be?

On more than one occasion JC compared himself to Jesus Christ (he was the only man since Christ to build a road in Sudan, he was being persecuted like Jesus had been but the truth would come out soon, God has a special purpose for him on earth) . He knew the bible inside and out and was adopted by the most Christian people you could ever want to find. He has managed to coerce his mother into lying and covering for him; what a “win” for the devil.

You have heard the saying “He sold his soul to the devil”. What if it isn’t just a saying, what if, in a previous life these people sold their soul to the devil for something they wanted and then go on for eternity without a soul not even aware or understanding what they are doing. D

estroying the good people in the world, weakening the opposition to the devil maybe even winning some over to his side. Forever longing for what they see other people have; love, but incapable of every having it because if you don’t have a soul you can’t know true love. So the narcissist goes from woman to woman thinking the woman is the answer; the woman is going to make him feel loved. He knows he is empty, lacking and shallow and he keeps trying to fill the void; expecting a woman to do that for him. At first when he meets a woman he thinks she can do that for him because of the rush of feelings of lust and the excitement of the endorphins flooding his body but it fades and then he is angry with the woman for not giving him the love that he needs to feel whole. He needs that rush so he starts looking elsewhere, he replaces the feelings of love with the rush of porn, hookers, dangerous behaviour, drugs but nothing can fill that empty space where his soul used to be. He doesn’t realize he is missing a soul he just knows he feels empty and like a child expects those around him to make him feel better and so he tries to suck the soul out of people and he never can so then he wants to destroy them for letting him down.

All the while the devil is laughing, watching, and thinking “Another stupid person who thought they could sell their soul to the devil and not pay the price”. When you look in the eyes of a raging narcissist you believe in the devil and if there is a devil I really hope with my whole being there is a God because he is the only one who can fight that kind of evil.

The other theory I have recently come up with is they are aliens and put on this earth to infiltrate the people on earth and prepare for when the aliens come to take over the world.
The aliens had to find a way of fitting in down on earth so they created a human body, they were able to recreate a human exactly, able to give intelligence, charm, they could teach it how to respond to most human situations and conditions but there was one thing they could not recreate because they don’t have one and that is the soul. The best they could do was program their clone to respond certain ways to certain events; that is why the narcissist doesn’t always respond appropriately to situations, he is not programmed for a response and gets confused. He is intelligent enough to memorize suitable responses to various events but no way of feeling compassion or empathizing. Just like those alien movies I refuse to watch because they scare the crap out of me.

Just my thoughts on the matter; OK maybe a little far fetched? Or maybe not.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

The Internet and the Narcissist

Like I said in a previous post that you can read here https://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/2012/03/14/wife-kriss-mom-victim-survivor-lady-witha-truck-carrie/, I had quite an addiction to the internet for a period of time after my marriage broke up. So I understand the attraction of the internet and how it can take over your life. I also know that no healthy person in a good relationship is going to jeopardize their relationship by being on the net excessively.
Either they are unhappy in the relationship and seeking a diversion or they have other issues; like being a narcissist.

My marriage fell apart because my husband wasn’t very motivated to work because I was making good money running my day care. Unfortunately I had waited too long for him to get his ass motivated to work and I was having to sell MY house to pay off our debt and his that I had co-signed for him.

Lesson # 1 for dating later in life. Keeping the house in your name when you get with a man with nothing does not necessarily protect your home. If you co-sign debt you are responsible for that debt and if you can’t pay you lose your home.

My experiences on the net:

I was burying myself on the net because I couldn’t deal with what was happening in real life.

And I mean b.u.r.y.i.n.g.!! I barely came up for air.

I was addicted to chat rooms and flirting (not porn or xxx dating sites just boring over 40 chat rooms).

I also had some sexy young studly type fellow beep in on my ICQ that I was chatting to.

Eventually the fellow on ICQ wanted to meet, wanted me to fly to Nashville to meet him. He was a sexy fellow I must say, and he made it sound very tempting. He sent me gifts and mailed me beautiful love cards, called constantly and I was seriously considering going. But I wasn’t going to meet any man without checking him out and asked for his address and land line phone number and hired a company called 1-800-us search and found out the fellow didn’t exist. No such name, no such number and the address was in an undeveloped industrial area. When he called the next time I gave him an earful and said to take a flying leap. Of course he had all kinds of crazy explanations like he was in the witness protection program.
Seee yaaaaa!!!!

There were two other fellow I talked to regularly one was a lawyer in Wichita. We shared the cost of my flight out to Wichita and had an ok weekend together. He wasn’t nearly as good looking or witty in real life. He had a harem in the chat room and I almost hadn’t gone because I had been vocal in the room about meeting and the other women were jealous.

* Beware of men with harems!

Nothing bad happened while I was there. Interestingly enough he wasn’t at the air port when I landed and I had some panic but I called, woke him up and he came and got me. I was happy to leave in two days and we never chatted again.

The other fellow, Jim, was ex FBI. I said, “Yeah and I’m an international spy! And shoot bad guys with my umbrella and talk to people with my shoe”.

He didn’t think that was funny. He actually needed to do a security check on me before I came. I did my own investigating of his info and he checked out. He had recently retired and wanted to take a trip with a woman and wanted me to be that woman. I said I couldn’t afford it and he said, “Did I ask you if you can afford it? It is worth the money to have you come on a vacation with me, I don’t want to go alone.”

So he booked my flight to North Carolina and I flew out for a 2 week all expenses paid vacation with a man I’d never met. I had the time of my life!!! He indeed had worked for the FBI and had the commendations to prove it. We spent a few days in North Carolina and then drove down to New Orleans. Every day, every single day, I woke up and there would be $100 in my wallet. If I spent $50 one day the next day I would have $100 again. I have never had a man treat me so well. I never had to ask for money and he never made me feel I owed him. He didn’t make a big deal about it, just topped up my wallet every morning. We laughed, we saw the sights, I cooked supper for his friends and he treated me like a queen the whole time I was there.

In New Orleans we met a female friend from the chat room and the 3 of us did up New Orleans with style. An outside Beach Boys concert that had the 3 of us dancing til we dropped, my g/f insisted I eat all the southern fare like Po’boys, and Jumbalaya, we walked the French Quarter, listened to jazz bands, and watched the fireworks on July 4th. I didn’t want to go home and knew it was a relationship that would go no where; just a great vacation. A month later he and my g/f met for a weekend and that kinda cured me of long distance romance.

After that I joined POF and dated a few local guys, each one a disappointment in one way or another. There was the guy who I met at a local night club who weighed at least 150 lbs more than what he had told me. Nice guy, brought me gifts, (homemade jams) but I was anorexic, obese and me just don’t work; sorry. Nothing against over weight people; I just can not get past the weight. Its my problem; just like I can’t date a guy who weighs less than me and is shorted than me. I just can not handle feeling like I can pick a guy up or if I roll over in the night I might squash him.

So the next guy didn’t work either; he was a nice looking black guy and I mean BLACK! He was meeting me at my cabin at the lake. I had walked with my son to the lake and was walking back when the fellow called to say he was at my house. I was walking up the street and couldn’t see him, his car was there but he was no where to be seen. Then on my porch in the dark shadows I see him smile. If it weren’t for the white teeth I would have totally missed him. And he had that great Jamaican accent but when he came out of the shadows my hopes dropped. He was all of 5’5″ and I outweighed him by at least 30 lbs and I was skinny. We had a great day but I was honest up front, I gotta have a man at least my height and weight. Its my hang up about being heavy but I have dated guys shorter than me (seems short guys like tall women) and I have found that many short guys want a tall woman to show off and they can have a “short guy attitude”. I don’t mean to offend short men and more than likely I have not met any short men reading this so you could be totally different. I am speaking from my experiences only. So please don’t send me hate mail. Like I said it is my problem.

The next fellow was a psycho personified; we didn’t get past the first phone call. He called several times; constantly and wanted to come up to my place at 11 at night and when I said no he got angry and called me all sorts of names I can’t repeat and then kept calling alternating between being apologetic and making excuses(he’d just quit smoking) and hating my guts. I eventually blocked his number.

Then I met Ian, a long distance guy again but at least in my country. Good looking, had a great job as a city planner, my height and we had a lot in common. He flew out to meet me in November and arrived with half a dozen Christmas gifts; nice but a little too much too soon. I had really liked him on the phone but in person I don’t know; it just wasn’t there for me. He loved me already which was a bit unsettling and gave me that feeling in my gut that tells me; you don’t want to go there.

In between these guys I met guys who even once we had met in person still continued chatting on line with me. Or guys who only wanted to talk online and not phone. There were the guys who only called late at night and wanted to know what I was wearing and wanted me to touch myself and send pictures.

There was the great looking guy who swore him and his wife were separated but he only called in the middle of the night, wanted phone sex, and I couldn’t call him. Upon further questioning he still lived with his wife but it was over; honest!
Seeeeee Yaaaaa!

I was waiting for another online date (this was going to be the last) when I met JC.

I could not believe my good fortune. We “clicked” we had so much in common it was almost spooky. From the first time we set eyes on each other there was something there I’d never felt before. Love at first sight? He was 6′, handsome, had a great sense of humor, owned property on the coast(lie), and he told me a bunch of other lies but at the time I took it as the truth. The one big thing in his favor was he didn’t even own a computer! Thank you God!!

He called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we had real in person dates and real in person sex. He cried when he told me he loved me the first time. He took me to meet his family, he wined and dined me. We blitzed Vancouver, hitting all the neat little shops, stopping to share an appetizer and have a drink in a quaint open air pub. He was nuts about me and from the first date we talked every night and saw each other 4 out of 7 nights.

From the first night together we slept wrapped up in each other waking up in the morning still holding each other; I had never experienced that before and I loved it. For the first time in my life when I went to bed with a man I felt that as long as I had his arms around me everything would be ok. I don’t remember ever feeling that way before.

The passion of our love making was almost intimidating to me. I had always been an adventuresome , playful and active participant when having sex but with him I was almost shy and I think it was because he was so powerful, the feelings were so powerful. He was insatiable, rarely did a night go by without making love 2 or 3 times in the night. I had never known a man who “could” do it time after time like that.

I moved in with him after about 4 months; I know it was quick but we were spending so much time together, money was tight for both of us and it just made sense.

I brought my computer, and in a heart beat everything changed. He didn’t want to ever leave the apartment, every time I walked in the room he’d shrink the screen. I knew I saw tits but he denied it.

Then came the day we were supposed to go to my folks for supper and he wasn’t ready to go. I nagged a bit to get off the computer and get ready and then I thought to hell with him I’ll go alone. When I got home he was still on the F’in computer and when I walked in I swore he shrunk the screen. I teased him about looking at porn and he denied it. I’m no dummy and we had such good communication I couldn’t believe he’d lie. So I checked and sure as shooting there was all these porn sites in history.

I jokingly told him he was busted and he got very defensive and blamed it on Kris my son who hadn’t been on the computer in months. That is when I checked history more and discovered his ad in LavaLife lookTo not have him come to bed was very upsetting for me, when I’d wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t come to bed I couldn’t help but cry or be angry; either way it was a horrible way to start the day. It was the last year that I stopped caring and when I knew it was over.

For years he said “If you knew the truth about the ads you wouldn’t be upset.” But he never told me the truth. I told myself that it was an ego boost for him that he needed to know he was still attractive and could get a woman if he wanted; it was innocent really.

He said things like:
When do I have time to meet any other woman?
I don’t know why you get so upset; you know we always end up together.
My reaction to the ads was what pushed him to go looking for other women.
Why didn’t I try to be more attractive instead of being angry then he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere.
I actually talked myself into accepting that the ads meant nothing and stopped reacting but if he wasn’t getting a reaction he upped the anti. He needed the reaction for narcissistic supply.

The situation escalated; as soon as I stopped reacting to something he would take it a step further. His communications got more personal; he stopped looking for casual sex and started looking for a relationship. I think he did go to meet a few of the women but for the most part from what I was reading it was mostly phone calls, plans to meet that fell through, and him professing his love and wanting her to commit to him and him promising the world.

Warning signs that the fellow you have met on the internet is not all he professes to be or that your man is being unfaithful on the net:

– On Facebook he had what I call “poser” pictures; JC had pictures that were provocative in a subtle way like the picture of him taking his shirt off and his abs showing. He was constantly taking pictures of himself especially the last couple of years.

– Even though we were in a committed relationship he never talked about his life with me on Facebook When ever he spoke about what he did on the weekend he spoke as if he did it alone.

– He kept his conversations private. Most people I know on Facebook have their settings so that all their friends can read their wall but he had his setting so only he could read his wall. Every conversation was private and he had many women from all over the world he was talking to. I felt uncomfortable to say anything personal on his Facebook.

– His life was larger than life and the women were giggly over his attention.

He had many sites where he chatted and had two Facebook accounts, one with just family and one where he was his fantasy self. He had one woman leave Facebook and they chatted on High 5, I don’t know what excuse he gave her as to why they had to go to a different site.

He had several women he chatted to on MSN chat. (I just about died when I went into MSN and he had changed his profile and had pictures of the 3 most important people in his life and it was his ex and her two kids. When I confronted him he said it wasn’t finished it was supposed to be the 30 most important people in his life. OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

One woman was sending him naked pictures (if a guy you have never met wants nude or semi nude pictures he is not in love with you!!! Give your head a shake!!) And he was telling her how he knew they had something special; he could feel it in his gut. He acted really jealous when she went out and said things like, “Save it for me” “I hope you are being good, I am”. (that was a message sent on New Years eve and he was with me)

He was telling another one that he couldn’t wait until the day he put a ring on his bride’s hand. When I confronted him on that he said, “I said my brides hand, I didn’t say she was going to be my bride.”

He loved everything each woman loved, with one he loved to dance (he danced with me 3 times in 10 years, he hated to dance)
He told another that he loved long walks (he never walked any where, he’d drive to the end of the driveway to get the mail)
He was an expert on everything, if he didn’t know it he looked it up.
He never traveled but online he loved to travel
He was always unemployed but online he was making $150,000 a year and at the point in his life he could set his own hours and taking time to enjoy life. (in reality he spent all his time at work when he had a job, had no money and never wanted to do anything fun)

When he left his accounts open and I found them when I went on the computer and I sent all the women each others letters he told them all that his psycho ex had hacked into his computer and was trying to ruin his life. He pleaded with them to not let her destroy what they had.

He’d tell them to go out side and look at the moon at a certain time and he would do the same and they would both be looking at the moon at the same time and for her to imagine his arms around her and some day soon it would happen.

Each woman was “the” one; he couldn’t get them out of his mind. If he couldn’t make a planned meeting and she understood he would say, “I knew I loved you for a reason, that’s my girl I knew you’d understand”.
His phone would ring and he wouldn’t answer but he would be text messaging a few minutes later. Sometimes when I would call him he wouldn’t answer and then text message me saying he was busy and would call right back. It didn’t take long before I figured out that if he was with someone else he wouldn’t answer his phone and just text message, he could do that without the person he is with over hearing a woman’s voice on the phone and he could still say I love you in text message.
He called women in the middle of the night or during the day. He would sit out in his car when he got home from work talking on the phone for sometimes hours. If the guy you are talking to hardly ever calls in the evening, if it’s always during work hours or late at night chances are he is involved. On the same vein; if you can’t call him or he rarely answers in the evening and text messages instead of calling, he’s got someone at the other end he’s doesn’t want to know he is talking to you.

If he is still living with the woman but it’s been over for a long time; he only stays because of finances, the kids, she is suicidal, or until the house sells – run!! it is bullshit

If a woman contacts you and says she is his wife or one of several women he is chatting with believe them. The odds are she is telling the truth and she is not a psycho making his life hell like he would like you to believe.

If a guy can’t meet you in person in a relatively short time frame assume he has other commitments that are getting in the way; like a wife and kids. If he is that busy with work then he is a workaholic and do you want to be with a man who can’t make time for you.
If you are talking on the phone and he has to get off suddenly (someone just walked in the room)

If he doesn’t want to show that he is involved with you and chat openly on Facebook and says it’s because his ex is on his Facebook and he doesn’t want to upset her either they haven’t been split long enough, he’s not being straight with her, they aren’t ex’s, or he has several women on there he is talking to. I am on some of my ex’s Facebook and I couldn’t care less if they are involved with a woman.

Pictures don’t prove anything! JC had pictures of a bunch of semi trucks and trailers that he told me were of the trucks he used to own when he had his own trucking company, also pictures of vehicles he had owned and a house he said he was buying. It was after we split and I was talking to his sister I found out none of it was true. Just because he shows you pictures of the places he’s traveled, the stuff he owns does not make it true.

If he won’t give you an address that you can verify something is not right

A lot of people don’t have a land line any more, which used to be a tell tale sign if you couldn’t call them at home but now that’s not so unusual.

Before you ever go to another town to meet a man, verify his address, his employment, call him at all hours and see if he answers. Google his username; you’d be surprised what comes up, sure other people could be using the same username but you can tell pretty quickly if it is him or not. People often use the same username for everything. JC used 2 different user names and when I Googled them he came up in a dozen dating sites, his comments on POF forums came up, all the porn sites he belonged to, every site he belonged to, his picasa web photos, etc. Googling their name probably won’t bring up stuff they don’t want people to see. I think it cost me $100 to do a search on a fellow in the states and it probably saved my life because he didn’t exist, now a days it is pretty easy to do your own search. The reason I paid for it was because when I did my own search I couldn’t find anything but when I paid for a search they didn’t find anything either, he didn’t exist.

The internet has just made it easier for a narcissist to spin his web and reach farther than prior to the net, in now way does it mean that they don’t exist off the web. Like I said I met JC in a bar, I was happy he wasn’t on the internet, I had sworn off of dating sites etc. so just because you meet a guy off the net doesn’t mean you are safe, they are every where. JC’s mother told me that she was looking for something and opened a box that was downstairs, it turned out to be one of JC’s boxes he had stored there and it was full of naked pictures of women and letter from them; he had been doing this for years. He would answer personal ads in the newspaper before there was the internet. Being a trucker was ideal for him also; he could have a woman in every town and had the perfect excuse for not being around much.

I found with JC, he would inadvertently tell me things about his past and I filed them for future reference. Like in the beginning he told me he had screwed around once on his long time common in law, she had always falsely accused him of cheating so when the opportunity presented itself he had thought, I am being accused anyway I might as well do it.; in other words he was telling me to not accuse him of cheating. That should have been my first red flag. Years later he was telling me about the two women he met in a ar that went back to his truck with him and they had a threesome, and about the women he had in different towns that he would see when he went through those towns and about calling a woman and saying I am coming through town pack a bag and ride with me and he’d fly them home a week later. When he went back to trucking 20 years later when he called and asked me to give it another try he thought he could do the same thing he did with her. He was building his trap line but I remembered him telling me about his past and was on to him.

What it all boils down to is; no matter where you meet a man, if he sounds too good to be true he probably is and you have to do your homework. If he is legit, he will understand and be an open book because he wants to reassure you. The minute he is defensive, offended, or “disappointed” you don’t trust him you should be concerned.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.