Tag Archives: Psychosis

Ambushed

I was in a very tiny old trailer, it had one bedroom with a double bed and very small open living area, but it had a large covered concrete patio. The patio was closed in with lattice work with a screen door entering it. I had strung white lights through the lattice and they provided a warm glow. My son slept on the couch so with JC there it was crowded. After a week I asked when he was getting out and he said he wasn’t ready. I told him this is what he had wanted and now he had to live with his decision, it wasn’t fair to me or Kris for him to stay.

He was pissing off the neighbours by working on his truck in the middle of the roadway. The landlord was getting complaints and I had told him my son was moving in but not JC. Still JC did not leave, I called the police and asked to have him removed and they said I would have to evict him.
*I forgot to mention that before JC moved out of the house I went over to borrow the truck, my son was there working on a car he had bought off JC (actually my mom bought it). JC wouldn’t let me use the truck but I went to take it anyway and JC ran out of the house and threw me out of the truck. My son stepped in and said,” If you ever hit my mom you’ll have to deal with me”. JC said, “I’ve already hit your mom and I’ll hit you too punk”
Kris ran off to get a baseball bat. He came to his senses dropped the bat and came home. Anyway even after that my son wanted to save JC’s stuff and welcomed him to stay for a few days but this was going too far.
Everyday I asked JC to please move out. He wasn’t happy to be there, he was miserable, sullen and distant. So leave!!
I put all his stuff out on the patio. I was very careful to not damage anything and even took my photos out of a rubbermaid container and put them in a card board box so his photos wouldn’t get wrecked. When I got home there was some kind of liquid spilt on the patio with a pool of it by the storage room door. My girlfriend lived nextdoor and when she saw I was home she walked over with her dog, I saw her dog licking the liquid and then she left. A little while later her dog was convulcing. She took her dog to the vet and I deciding to check out the source of the liquid. I opened the shed door and there was an empty antifreeze jug on the floor and all my photos were sopping wet. I was heartbroken, JC said it had been an accident.

I had designed and had made a ring for my son for his 16th birthday using old jewelry I had. It was very cool, the gold was formed into his initials, KO. I had a small diamond set in for my birthday and his birthstone was sapphire. I also had a dinner ring made for myself with the 2 stones set in. Both rings disappeared. We never found them by I have my suspicions as to where they went. (interestingly years later when JC got engaged to the young girl in Africa their rings were designed very much the same)

I started to feel very uneasy with JC around, one minute he would be friendly to Kris and I and then later act like he couldn’t stand us. He bought contact lens but made a big deal about the fact that he couldn’t put them in by himself. I never saw him wear them. One day he had gone out and I noticed his glasses on the fridge. I thought, “omg JC forgot his glasses, he’s blind without them, how could he see to drive?”

Then I noticed it was just glass in the frames. I thought it was strange but put them back on the fridge and forgot about them.

I kept putting JC’s things back out on the patio whenever he brought stuff in yet he did not leave.

He worked for two weeks putting lights on his truck. He mounted 3 high powered fog lights in his front bumper and really bright hallogen bulbs in his headlights. Then he mounted a directional search light to the roof of his truck on the drivers side. He installed two directional work lights to the head ache rack on the back of his truck.

I was walking up to the trailer one evening and could hear cupboards slamming. Ignoring my gut I went in. JC had been going through all my cupboards and pulled out my receipts, journal, all my info on domestic violence, my calendar with dates marked when he had been violent, letters he had written me and he was furious. He started in on me immediately with his right or wrong, yes or no crap and I said I was not going to discuss anything with him.  He just kept badgering me so I went to leave but he blocked my way, my purse was on the kitchen table but I couldn’t get to it. He was pushing me around so I tried to go in the bathroom to get away from him but he pushed the door open before I could lock it. I managed to squeeze past him, giving him a push as I did and ran!!! As I passed the kitchen table I grabbed my purse and didn’t look back until I was in my car with the doors locked. He was standing at the screen door staring at me as I pulled away and headed into town. My phone started ringing immediately, it was JC telling me to come back, I refused and hung up. He kept calling and finally I weakened and picked it up.
Me – yes
JC – Baby, I love you
Me – I love you too, but you scared me.
JC – baby, I would never hurt you I just wanted you to admit some things, for the first time I felt we were getting some where. We can work it out baby. Come home please.
Me – I just need some time ok? I’ll come back in a while I just need time to think ok?
JC – OK Baby, I really do love you.
Me crying – I love you too, I’m just tired of the fighting.
JC – oh baby, I hate it when you cry, just come home please. We don’t have to talk, but you’re too upset to be driving around. Where are you, I’ll come get you?
Me – No, I’m ok. Honest, I’ll come home in a bit.
JC – Ok. Babe?
Me – yes
JC – I love you more than ever.
Me – I love you too JC.

I pulled over to the side of the road to take a deep breath and get my wits about me and realized how much I was shaking.

Right about then Kris walked past with a couple of friends pushing his bike. When he saw me of course he was immediately concerned. I told him JC and I had a fight, so I left but we had talked on the phone and he was calmed down I just didn’t feel like going back yet.

Kris put his bike in the trunk and we decided to visit friends who lived near by. JC called again and I told him where I was and to please stop calling and give me some time to think. I refused to answer my phone after that and my friends poured me a glass of wine and we talked. Kris sat with us a while and then went outside with friends. I wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing. At one point he asked to borrow my cell phone because his was dead and I let him use it.

Before I knew it it was 3 am and I was exhausted. JC called again and I asked him to please just go somewhere for the night and we could talk in the morning but I was just too tired to face him tonight. He agreed to leave me alone. I told Kris he could come with me as long as he promised to not go on and on about JC, I just wanted to sleep. I knew he would worry if he didn’t come so I let him drive me home. I called JC to say I was on my way home and Kris was with me. He said to give him 5 more minutes. I said ok and then my phone died.
JC tried to call again but my phone didn’t have enough charge left and dropped the call.
We got home 10 minutes later and JC’S truck was parked across the front of the trailer with all his spot lights blazing, so we parked across the street.

Something was not right about the whole scene. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but my gut was telling me to not stay. I was so tired, all I wanted was my bed.

Kris got his bike out of the trunk and I said, “Now don’t go looking for a fight, we’ll just walk right past him, into the trailer and lock the door.

JC’s spot lights were blinding, it was hard to even see the ground. We had to squeeze between the deck of the truck and the lattice work to get in the door and once we were inside it was pitch black. It took a minute for my eyes to adjusted before I could even see the door of the trailer. I heard Kris say, “I thought I told you to get out”.
I turned and all I got out was, “Kris”
JC was on Kris and Kris was saying, “I don’t want to fight JC, just leave.”
I tried to get between them but JC threw me out of the way, and threw Kris on to the patio table that collapsed under their weight. I was trying to dial 911 but couldn’t I was shaking so badly, so I screamed for help. I tried to pull JC off Kris and when that didn’t work I climbed on his back and started bashing him in the head with my phone.  I saw a chain wrapped around JC’s fist and tried to hold back his arm. I kept screaming for help, time seemed to be standing still; why wasn’t anyone coming?!!!
Then somewhere in the darkness I heard, “Do you want us to call the police?”
Omg, finally!!
Me – JC stop, its over, people are here.
He looked at me almost like he didn’t recognize me.

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How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to my ex once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in my ex and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!
Carrie

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Vicky’s Story of Life With a Narcissist

The following is a comment left by a woman named Vicky on my Guest Book page. It is so typical of life with a narcissist and she expresses herself so clearly I felt it was well worth it’s own post. Once again it is obvious no contact is the only way to end the abuse. They don’t change ever. Thanks to Vicky for sharing her story.
I haven’t changed a thing, just copied and pasted it below.

I found your site fascinating. I’ve done a ton of research myself on Ns, but it meant more to hear a personal story to fully comprehend everything I was faced with. I would love to share my story, hoping it will also help others. I was unhappily married with two children when I met “‘Mike”. My husband, myself, Mike and his wife became friends and hung out over the summer on weekends. Mike and his wife clearly noted and saw how unhappy I was and commented on numerous occasions that I deserved better. Mike would tell me that he would never disrespect his wife the way my husband disrespected me and he made me realize that there were some really great men out there and after some serious sole searching, I made the decision to end my marriage, fortunately the decision was amicable and remained that way to this day. Mike and his wife were very supportive during this time we all remained friends. Sadly a few months later, Mikes wife decided to end their long term marriage as they had grown apart and the kids were older. She asked for an amicable seperation. Mike appeared at my doorstep one night not long after, devastated, angry and upset stating his wife had kicked him out of their home, he had to live with a friend until he could get a place of his own. I am a VERY nurturing woman in general and my heart broke for him, I supported him emotionally and mentally. He told me his wife was keeping his children from him and was taking him for everything. She wanted the home, all money in accounts, full custody and he was only allowed to see the kids at her home on her time. I was disgusted by her behavior and concerned how this would affect the kids, (my ex and I share physical custody). He had me convinced his ex was a cold hearted b####. He moved into his own apartment with no furniture and slept on a cot. My heart broke so I bought him used furniture. When I first met Mike he was so charismatic, super friendly, everyone loved him. He would do anything for anyone. He was looked up to by many people. I later watched him and held him while he cried for hours on end, missing his kids, confused why his wife treated him this way. He told me prior to seperation, she conned him into signing over everything into her name, cause his finances weren’t great, so to avoid bankruptcy and losing everything, he did so. Well she then took possession of his truck, sold it. The list goes on. During this time, we had spent so much time together and I found myself really caring about this man and we started dating. Wow is all I can say. He was amazing in every way. He spoiled me lovingly, poems, messages, songs, he would hold me all night, we had an amazing sex life, loved the same things. He would do renovations on my home, he treated my kids like his own, spoiled them. My family and friends adored him. He was amazing!! I never in my life thought a man like this existed, he was truly Prince Charming. Within 3 months I was so in love with him. He had me convinced we were soulmates, meant to be together. We were inseparable, he was my best friend and I loved spending every minute with him. We would often go on double dates with friends, he easily became a part of my daily schedule. In 6 months, we found a house bug enough for all of us to join our families. At this point though she has yet to give him visitation, demanding supervised in courts. I thought she was a spoiled brat and hated that she was doing this to the kids and because Mike couldn’t afford a lawyer, and she had all the collateral, I found a great lawyer and offered to pay the lawyer. I had thought I was providing for my future and his kids were a part of that. Within a very short time of moving in together, cracks were forming. He was not the same man I knew to be happy and loving. Now he flipped back and forth between sweet, loving and supportive to angry, bitter and extremely jealous. He instantly started accusing me of having affairs with co-workers, or getting too personal with them. Having a smoke break with them was considered personal. In time it was the guy at the market, campground, male friends, lawyer, doctor…no matter how much I defended myself, I couldn’t get him to understand I would never cheat on him. He then convinced me he suffered from anxiety, admitted he was so madly in love with me, he’s older, has baggage, a nasty ex wife, 3 kids, and he was insecure and thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He was terrified to lose me. Told me he knew I wasn’t cheating but his fears were based on a “what if” scenario. Eventually he made comments about my choice of clothing, make up, hairstyle, shaving. Was I doing it for another man? Certainly not for him. I got yelled at for wearing makeup to work and nice clothes, then getting into comfy clothes and ponytail when I got home. Clearly I had no respect for him and only for my male coworkers. To make matters worse, my job required some marketing, he would berate me for looking attractive, then accusations would fly. I ended up dragging him along to most events to calm his fears. I stopped going to visit my friends alone, he always came with me,I stopped wearing makeup, styling hair. Shaved at certain times. It was easier to change that then continue to fight with him. What made it worse was in between this, he was still the man of my dreams. He would love me in ways I never thought was possible. My heart continued to melt, I was weak in the knees for him. Sometimes after we fought he would break down crying, apologize and begged for forgiveness, he had me convinced it was the stress of his very painful divorce and lack of kids that was turning him is way. He begged me to take over his divorce battle and gave lawyers permission to speak to me and have me deal with necessary paperwork. I became the person running the show. I had hoped that by taking this on my shoulders, he would be able to heal with time and will be under less stress. I then picked and chooses my time when I felt it was safe to talk to him about these issues. I paid a total of $40k to the lawyer! Mike took me on an incredibly romantic weekend getaway, he proposed and I happily accepted. We finally had all our kids together and they were adjusting and he seemed to be calmer and happier. I thought the past was behind us. I should note, we also went for couples counseling during this time to help us get through his court battle issues and our other issues. He accepted full responsibility, he convinced the therapist it was stress of his divorce. And of course, as I said above, Mike returned to a happy, loving man, so we stopped therapy. That was $150 a pop, at my cost. For a few months life was great!! We were happily planning our wedding, we had booked the hall, DJ, officiant, bought dress….even sent out the save the date cards. Within a few days of the cards going out, Mike started up again with accusations, assumptions. He would check my computer history, my phone messages, he demanded passwords to my email and Facebook. His anger started turning monstrous, I became terrified of the man I loved and couldn’t understand what was wrong or why he treated me this way. He started turning on my son, driving erratically with me in car, withheld affection, I was a shell of the person I once was and depressed, sad, a complete wreck. I finally reached out to my family and friends and they all agreed that they started to feel something was seriously different with me, and I had disappeared from them all and I wasn’t the same person. They were shocked at what they heard. I went back to therapy, this time alone. She informed me that Mike was very sick psychologically and needed to undergo a mental evaluation. She insisted I leave Mike immediately for mine and my kids safety. The next morning when he went to work, I packed clothes for me and my kids and left him. I stayed with a girlfriend for 6 weeks until I found an apartment. During this time he went between loving and dark in his messages, phone calls. I was more and more confused. I started doing research and found Narcissist. A million alarm bells went off!!! Finally I had answers. But it didn’t help ease my pain. I refused to believe he really didn’t love me the way I loved him. I was in complete denial. He continued to play games with my heart, he played the victim online and had people convinced I’d left him for another man!! Poor Mike!! It took an overwhelming amount of strength and determination to realize that a Narcissist is a sociopath and wouldn’t change. I wanted to believe he would change, but he needed time and serious intensive therapy and I had decided if it was meant to be it would find its way. So I told him I need space, let’s live apart, I will support him with his therapy but we shouldn’t have any relationship for the time being. I had hoped that he loved me enough to agree and would go to therapy. I was told all or nothing. No in between. So I said goodbye. It broke my heart, but I couldn’t do this and I knew I deserved better. As we were not legally married, I was entitled to all my possessions. 90% of what was in the home belonged to me. Remember he had nothing when we got together. I had emailed him and told him what items I would take and that I would leave him with 50% of the furniture. Neither of us could support the house we rented alone so I handed in my notice for 2 months time. He would then have to find his own place too. I went to the house one day while he was at work to get the rest of my clothes and start packing. He had changed the locks! This was illegal as the home was rented in both our names, and I had the right to be there still. He emailed me and told me that as I left him, he should not be left to have to replace anything therefore I get nothing. Suck it up!! Stunned, I spoke to a lawyer and was told my rights were as I believed, he had no legal entitlement to my furniture at all, we were not married. The next day he apologized and agreed to my terms. I booked a truck, storage room to store my furniture for one month, paid for hotel rooms for my parents and friends that came from out of town to help me move. In total this was $800. I showed up when we agreed and he barricaded himself inside and said I wouldn’t get a damn thing from him and he would not allow me in the house. I called the police this time for assistance. I explained to the officer and showed him an email from the therapist confirming the relationship was abusive and that I had to leave for safety purposes. The cop stated I was making a criminal accusation and if Mike says he was abused by me, I would have to get charged if he wanted to lay charges!!! Did i hear that right? I felt victimized all over again!! I didn’t want Mike charged, I just wanted my stuff. Sure enough Mike claimed I abused him and told cops he won’t charge me if I don’t charge him!!!! I was livid!! Worse, he convinced the cops we were legally married, without showing proof and the cop tells me this domestic matter needs to be taken through the courts. I was so angry and told the cop Mike lied and told him my lawyers advice and they said all they could do was force Mike to hand me a key to the house, BUT if I so much as took any items out I would be charged with theft!!!! The move was a bust!! Finally a week later I got a judge to sign an affidavit that I wasn’t married, and Mike was forced to hand me a key. A week later I rolled the truck in while he was at work. Got everything out and stuck to my promise of leaving him with 50% of the furniture. I knew I had won and there was nothing he could do!! Let him charge me!! He didn’t! Fast forward 2 months. I’m still madly in love with him, miss him daily and we have had no contact at all. I’ve for whatever reason forgiven him and just want to move on. I hear through a mutual friend he is in the hospital, so because I care, I went to see him. God I missed him, he cried uncontrollably, told me he underwent evaluation, it came back at severe anxiety only. He told me he had been faithfully attending therapy twice a week, knew he was to blame, showed regret, hated himself. I felt so bad for him and told him I still loved him and maybe we can work on us slowly while living apart and maintaining therapy. He was released 3 days later and I invited him to dinner, but the rule was not to talk about the past. Within days he was back in my bed, honeymoon all over again, he treated me like gold, pushed me to visit friends alone, did repairs on new place, bought groceries, new bed for my son. He went to his own place at night and accepted taking things slow. This worked great for 2 months, our kids were happy to see we loved each other to work things out. Sadly, I lost my job, laid off due to shortage of work. I knew I could not support myself and he convinced me to move back to our home. He had continued to remain in it. He promised to support me and the kids and I thought our issues were done so I happily agreed. My family would be back together. The day I moved home, I found out he had started dating a woman within 2 weeks of our seperation and although he stopped seeing her when we got back together, she flew to different province, he wanted me to accept his continued friendship with her and allow her to stay with us when in town. He started to flaunt this woman in my face, her name was constant! He admitted e joined dating sites and went on dates. I was devastated, really we had only been physically separated 6 weeks!! He talked to her daily via messaging, FB, phone calls. But then he would again accuse me of affairs, talking with men! Each day it gradually got worse! I was once again isolated, at his mercy to abuse me daily. I lost friends, they refused to listen and eventually ignored me completely. Only one friend remained, she herself was a victim of an N in the past!! I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I feared him!! He had me physically, emotionally, mentally and financially dependent upon him!! I knew my body was telling me to run that I made a huge mistake and he never will change. Once again, I needed to leave, but I’d be damned if I didn’t leave with everything at once. I had 2 days to borrow money fom family, secure truck, storage and movers and once gain, I moved while he was at work. I made a strong decision, I would rather fear the unknown, then fear living with him. I asked my ex husband to hold kids while I moved into an abused women’s shelter to save money. He agreed and respected me more and so did the kids. I Had a back up cell phone, cause I knew he would cancel the phone he gave me. I sent him one final message, he deserved everything that’s happened and I deserve better. I’m gone. Simple to the point. He started emailing me constantly. I enforced a no contact rule. I deleted without reading! I refused to be baited with his games any longer and my heart would hurt though my head was strong! He found a woman on my FB to provide him with info on me, every post. She called me fishing for info as to where I am, what happened. I knew she loved drama so I gave her false nfo. She gave it to him and he believed her! Busted! He got the phone bill of my cell and called every number I dialed asking how they knew me. He showed up at my sons game just to intimidate me. He texts me daily, emails me, emails my friends and family. I am 3 weeks free of him again and so incredibly relieved to be free of him. I’ve had to realize he is and never was real, I was just a game. Is destroyed me in many ways and it will take a very long time to heal. I will continue to search for work, save money while living in a shelter for now. It’s safer than with him. I gave him my whole heart, I want it back. In time I hope to look back and be proud f myself for realizing I was conned by the master of manipulators and I was strong enough to leave and realize I deserve better. I, like you, am determined to help others understand the complexity of an N!!

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

How To Not Date A Narcissist

So many sites I’ve visited about narcissists give a list of characteristics that by the time you pick up on them you are in too deep; he has you hooked already.

Prior to getting involved with JC I had what would be considered a stereotypical view of what a narcissist was like. I think many people have the same views I did; that a narcissist is some guy who is full of himself in obvious ways, such as; he is vain and always looking in a mirror, primping his hair etc, talks about himself incessantly, a “lady killer” “lady’s man” what ever you want to call a guy that has women flocking around him, flexing, arrogant, but, all in all harmless enough.

Most people feel they could pick a narcissist out of a crowd no problem. What they envision is a cartoon character narcissist, staring into a mirror and falling in love with himself.

My first impression of JC was far from that; in fact the first 6 months were some of the best times of my life; I was in love and believed with all my heart that he felt the same if not more than I did. We just “clicked”.

At first meeting I thought that he was kinda preppy, university educated, that he had money but he wasn’t concerned with impressing people with it (he drove a BMW but was wearing runners that he had taped up the toe, he had on a crisp white shirt and faded ripped jeans). He seemed confident yet not arrogant in any way. He had a great sense of humor and laughed at something I said. He put me at ease right away and listened intently to what I had to say and asked me about myself. When he did offer up information about himself he seemed almost self conscious and down-played his accomplishments. He seemed humble, trusting, and almost naïve “in a boy from Saskatchewan kinda way”. I thought I had finally met “one of the good ones” and I was impressed. He introduced me to his friends from school and took me to his staff Christmas party, took me home to meet his mom within the first month. He was kind, even tempered, the guy never got angry about anything, we were able to discuss anything openly and I thought honestly. I didn’t see him angry for almost the full first year.

So what would have given him away? I am about to share that with you and here we go; each of these points by themselves would not be cause for alarm but if he has a majority of them I’d say cut your losses and run! Don’t look back.

1) The number one thing they all have in common and should be a HUGE red flag is the whirlwind romance. From the first date he is enamored with you and can’t get enough of you. With JC I actually told him to back off a bit, that he was going to scare me away because I liked my alone time. He called me at work several times a day, wanted to see me every night and I lived and worked an hour and 1/2 from him and had my son at home so I couldn’t but he would pressure me. Then if I said no he’d offer to meet me 1/2 way and take me for dinner. If I was at his place and he was going to the corner store he’d want me to come along; he wanted me along with him every where he went. He wrote me little love notes all the time, bought me flowers. I felt uncomfortable about it sometimes but I had walked away from nice guys before and wasn’t going to do that this time.

2) Wants sex early like the first or second date and won’t take no for an answer. You almost have to get angry for him to back off and he can’t seem to get enough sex. Again many guys want sex the first or second date, but on our 3rd date, I went to his place and he literally attacked me the minute I walked through the door. I laughed and said, “How about a glass of wine first?” He poured me a glass but I never got to drink it.

3) He thinks you are perfect and he loves you just the way you are. No one is perfect and if he puts you on a pedestal too early you’ve only got one way to go-….down…… hard.
It was early in our relationship maybe 6 months into it, we’d just started living together and I was overwhelmed. I was commuting 2 hours a day for work, he was unemployed and home all day because he had lost his license for 3 months due to an impaired charge.(Red flag) I would come home and the place would be a mess, dirty dishes, car parts in the sink, dirty clothes and I’d have to clean the kitchen before I could cook dinner. We had talked before I moved in about division of work and agreed if we were both working we would share the house keeping duties. Here he wasn’t working, spending all day on the computer, making a mess and I was coming home and doing it all. One night I started to cry and said that I couldn’t do it all. He took me to bed and held me stroking my hair and said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are.”

I said, “That’s the problem, I can’t keep doing this, this isn’t me. I don’t want to do it all”

He just kept saying I was being too hard on myself and we ended up having sex and nothing got resolved.

He loved me if I was doing things his way. We would discuss issues as they came up and I would think we had resolved them but nothing would change.

4) He is too good to be true, his life is larger than life, he’s done more than any guy you know. He makes it sound like he carries the load at work, is top of his class in school, did everything in his last relationship and she did nothing but sit around eating bon bons and demanding more money. JC had a way of bragging where he seemed he was embarrassed to tell me things about himself that made it appear like he was being honest.

Remember too, pictures are not proof of anything. JC had pictures of all the cars he’d owned, all his semi trucks, places he’d travelled, his guitars, houses he’d owned, and he had diplomas for all the trades he said he had tickets in (he wasn’t ticketed in any trades). Diplomas can be downloaded off the internet, he even printed off a list of racing stats that had his name on it showing his racing stats from several years prior when he owned a race car (all fake), and pictures only prove he knows how to use a camera.
When we were getting to know each other he shared stuff about his past that I believed for the whole 10 yrs I knew him and didn’t find out the truth until after we split.

It is a special kinda hurt to know you never knew the person you loved and lived with for 10 yrs; they were a lie from start to finish.

5) He says he loves you within a week or two. Let’s be honest real love doesn’t happen in a matter of days, it takes months. JC was holding me after sex and got tears in his eyes, pulled my head down on his chest so I couldn’t see him “crying” and in a choked voice said, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was so touched, he had told me saying I love you wasn’t something he said easily and he cried. Awwwww one day I arrived at his place and he put a CD in and danced with me to a love song and he cried and said he loved me. I believed him and I actually believed he loved me more than I loved him.

In the past if a guy came on too strong or seemed to be totally “smitten” with me it usually turned me right off. I can remember with JC making the conscious decision to allow a man to love me and take care of me like he said he wanted to. I chose to allow myself to relax and enjoy the good thing I’d found. I think that could be part of the reason I am struggling so hard; I chose to love him and I was so wrong.

6) If he is broke and has nothing because he was taken advantage of by his last girlfriend/wife and all his ex’s are psycho bitches, RUN!! Think about it; either he has really bad taste in women, is a wimp who won’t stand up for himself or he turns women into psycho bitches; either way you don’t want him.

7) He expects you to be available and will pressure you to drop your plans to spend time with him at the last minute. ie: He asked me out on a Friday night, I went down to his place and spent the night. I was getting ready to leave Saturday and he was upset I was leaving. I told him I had plans and he talked me into changing my plans and staying. Another time we had plans and then his mother came to town and he said I had to go because he wanted to spend time with his mom. I understood and drove the 1 1/2 hrs home only to have him phone a couple of hours later and ask me to come back. I believe he was testing me to see if I would do it or not and how I would handle it. I did end up going back, but I spoke to him about it and told him I wasn’t impressed, he apologized and I thought I got my feelings heard. But it was just the start of him controlling me.

8) Pushes you to move in together within a few months but will try to make it seem like your idea. ie: he hates to have to leave you and go out of town to work but he can’t afford to live otherwise.

9) He doesn’t have any “history” you can verify; ie: he’s new to town, doesn’t have any long time friends, new job or just lost his job, family in another town. JC was new to the area and apparently when he breaks up with a girl he invariably leaves the immediate area, he was always starting new jobs. But when I met him he was just finishing up school in water/sewer technology.

10) Within a short time needs to borrow money that he will pay right back, his money is tied up, or its a deal that’s going to make you money, whatever the excuse; don’t lend any man money unless you’ve known him at least a year; make sure he can keep a job long enough to pay you back. At first he wines and dines you, money doesn’t seem to be a problem and next thing you know he’s asking to borrow a few bucks. He will pay you back right away; he’s building your trust for when he asks for the big bucks.
(JC asked me to borrow money several times in the first few months; once for a thousand to buy a car he could resell for twice that: I said no. Then he wanted money for his cell phone bill and I said no. He said it was that high from calling me and I said, “stop calling so much”. Money became the biggest issue between us; he always said I owed him money for something. It got to the point that if he wanted to give me something I had to ask, “Is this a gift or are you going to expect me to pay you for it later? Because if I have to pay for it I can’t afford it and don’t want it; if it is a gift then thank you very much”. ie: he talked me into buying a different car and then wanted to put his stereo and wheels and tires on my car. I refused, saying, “what if we break up and then you will want your stereo and wheels and tires back and then what will I do?”
His reply with a hurt expression on his face was, “Baby, we aren’t going to break up and if we did anything I give you is yours to keep.” I wish I would have listened to my gut and stuck to my initial instinct to say no; I heard about owing him for those wheels and tires for years until I finally sold the car to pay him for them and even then after I said, “Now, am I paid up?” And he said yes he found something else I owed him money for)

11) He is very protective of his privacy, guards his cell phone, hides the computer screen when you walk in, makes private phone calls in another room. I had no idea JC was seeing a woman when he met me; I found out 8 years later when he told me he would go down to his car and make sure she hadn’t left him any cards or letters on the windshield of his car. He had told me he wasn’t seeing any one. One time only about a month after we met we were leaving his place and he said he’d meet down at the car. I waited for a while and then went back to see what was taking him so long and overheard him on the phone say, “OK Babe, nightie night.” I said, “Babe?” (He had called me Babe since our 2nd date) he looked startled and said, “Did I say Babe? That was my sister, Geezz I call every one babe”.

Me: Everyone?

Him: Well it slips out sometimes but haven’t you noticed when I say it to you my voice changes?

If you make him wait a year before living together, or giving him money and if he keeps his job and doesn’t get in trouble with the law, and if you don’t catch him in a lie in a year I would say you can be pretty certain he isn’t a narcissist. There is no way a narcissist can keep the facade going for that long without some how slipping up. Beside he will have moved on to an easier target within a few months.

12) He makes it sound like he wants to be a better person because of you. He is going to change any of his short comings because you are so wonderful you motivate him to be a better person.

Don’t let him pressure you into doing anything your gut is telling you not to.

Keep your friendships, and listen to your friends if they feel uneasy about him for some reason. Friends have clear heads, yours is clouded by this all consuming love.

You must be strong; they are master manipulators and will try every trick in the book, including injuring themselves, spying on you, and trying to turn family and friends against you or you them.

JC didn’t start to exhibit the abusive behaviour until we were together at least 6 months and it didn’t get physical until about a year and 1/2 into the relationship. But believe me the emotional abusive, control and manipulation started on the first date.

I guarantee you will not be sorry or another one of his victims if you take it slow and easy. A truly healthy love takes time and an emotionally healthy man will give you and the relationship time to grow.

Here’s to narcissist free dating.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

Dear JC

I am writing this because I am wishing you well, I am letting go of the hurt, and I will no longer let you determine my value. I no longer care where you feel my faults are in the demise of our relationship.

I am not perfect and in any other relationship I would willingly take my share of the responsibility for it ending but I can not take blame for this one ending, only for it continuing far too long.

How did I contribute to it going on far too long? By listening to your lies and not listening to my gut that was telling me you were lying, and not believing what I saw with my own eyes. By forgiving you time after time and believing that if I changed this or that, if I worked harder, praised you more, was less sensitive, more patient, anticipated your every need, was sexier, was less needy, or less demanding you would love me back.

I allowed you to convince me that you loved me even though you talked to me like I was your worst enemy, treated me like dirt under your feet and didn’t give me the respect of accepting me the way I was or leaving me alone. You demanded I change for you but what you wanted changed almost daily and I became so wrapped up in trying to figure out what you wanted I failed to realize you weren’t anything close to what I wanted.

I allowed you to ignore every boundary I have; the “deal breakers” I have always adhered to, like; faithfulness, honesty, law abiding, respect for others like neighbors, friends and family.

I compromised my values by accepting illegal activity like stealing, driving without insurance, physically abusing your son, me and my son, even though I talked to you about it and gave you ultimatums I should not have ever had to convince you what was right. The first time I witnessed you break the law I should have walked away. It was not my responsibility to teach you right from wrong; that is what a parent does with a child not what an adult woman does with her 40 something partner. If a person doesn’t respect the law by the time they are adults it is unlikely they will change.

When we met I was confident in my sexual abilities and attractiveness to the opposite sex and had a fulfilling sex life with any man I had been involved with. I should have never let your addiction to porn, personal ads and blatant disregard for my needs in bed make me think there was something wrong with me. No woman can compete with that and no woman can cure that for you.

When I went back to you and everyone who knew us warned me to not let you work on my truck and I knew you had sabotaged my vehicle in the past; I should have walked away from the relationship. How could I expect a normal relationship when I knew you were capable of sabotaging me?

Why on earth did I stay with you when time after time you were fired for stealing, what 40 + person hasn’t learned that if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people get angry and employers will fire you. No one is “falsely” accused that many times and if they are they would be very concerned about why people thought they were stealing and figure out what they were doing and stop doing it.

There is no excuse for having hundreds of women on your Facebook, communicating with women from sex sites, and I should not have been crying alone in my bed; I should have been packing. When you were living with me, especially when I was paying the rent I should not have had to tell you I expected you to respect me and not go into dating sites while you were there. When I discovered you were, there should have been no discussion about it, denying it, or blame placed on me; it was wrong, it happened more than once and I should have put your stuff on the street and never answered the door again.

I have never felt the need to beg a man, I always knew I deserved respect and I got it but I had never been with a psychopath before, somehow you convinced me that everything I had always known to be healthy was unreasonable and demanding.

I look back and I can’t believe a man I was with would not come home all night, not answer his phone even when his son or sister were at the house waiting for him and then come home the next day as if nothing happened and I was afraid to say something and be accused of causing conflict, time after time! How bizarre is that?

I allowed you to make me feel that traits like being sensitive, trusting, honest, giving, hard working, forgiving and loving were bad things. I allowed you to ignore my most basic requests like call if you are late, be honest with me, that I am the only woman you are having sex with, come to bed to sleep and hold me at night.

Why on earth did I allow you to badger me about money and feel I had to pay you what ever sum you deemed I owed you and I can’t believe you hit me because I couldn’t comply with your demands for money “right now” and I didn’t charge you with abuse. Did I actually think you would appreciate the fact that when the cops came to the house and asked me if you had hit me and I looked them in the eye and said you hadn’t? All I did was show you that you could get away with it and I would lie for you.

Like you said yourself, “what did you do?”
And I said, “I stayed”
And you looked at me over your glasses and said, “EXACTLY”.

You said that the problems we had were my own fault for not telling you to fuck off. I agree whole heartedly, I never should have let you con your way back. But I must point out I DID kick you to the curb, at times even put your stuff out at the curb and you totally ignored me and moved your stuff back in; to argue with you meant I would get hit, or something of mine would be destroyed. Either you just ignored the fact that I told you it was over or you injured yourself or got sick and I would take care of you, (once again my own fault) or my truck would break down and you would have to rescue me.

You were right, it was my fault; I did stay. I believed the lie that was you and I perpetuated the lie by covering for you just like your mother has for years.

I assigned you feelings that you didn’t have, like guilt, a conscience, love, compassion and honesty because that is what I would have been feeling.

You have memorized and imitated appropriate emotions for certain situations but I learned to see through the act but when my stomach flipped and told me it was all an act I didn’t say anything I played my part like a dutiful puppet, because it was easier than fighting.

You knew you had me beaten down when I wouldn’t challenge even your most transparent excuses and at that point I gave away my self respect.

From day one I asked for; honesty, faithfulness, and fairness. That was all; I was willing to compromise on anything else. I communicated openly with you about my expectations. I told you I didn’t judge you for looking at porn or for needing more than one woman in your life I even offered to watch porn with you but other women I could not accept and if you wanted to be with me I expected faithfulness. I think it was the only deal breaker wasn’t it? I compromised on everything else, I “picked my battle” and it was the one thing I could not accept. I convinced myself that the ads were just an ego boost for you; then you had to take it a step further and actually meet them, then it was sending love letters and before I knew it I was being unreasonable for being upset you were telling other women you loved them and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. What did I do? I stayed, I cried, I died inside, I made myself believe you when you said you had an epiphany and you loved me and we could work it out.

Now you come to me and say you always loved me, didn’t want to lose me, you have apologized but for nothing specific, you’ve given a generic I am sorry I was wrong, it wasn’t your fault. You say you have had an epiphany, I think this is the same epiphany you’ve had a dozen times in the past.

As a matter of fact you had a much clearer epiphany when you found out you had 6 months to live. When you came to me with your revelation I asked you, what if we get back together and we have tough times, what if something happens and I am dependent on you for a while? And you had said, “it will be different this time,baby, this time you meant it, this time there is no doubt in your mind’. And you know what? My gut was saying, “Run!” but you cried, you made love to me and wouldn’t let me orgasm until I had repeated over and over that I knew you loved me. And now you say it is my own fault for believing you and taking you back, it was I know that, especially now, especially after I found your blog that was public domain and you talked openly about the other women. When I found out you had only hidden you profile on POF and you blamed me because I could have any man I wanted any day of the week. The difference was I could have, but I didn’t want to because I was so in love with you.

You have said you have changed, you aren’t on the internet any more, have given up personal ads because all the people on those sites have major problems, you have said that you have told M you refuse to cut me out of your life and I am your “people” and you want to “help” me. When I turned your friendship down you told me to just let it ride out; we aren’t done yet.

I remember a long time ago; we had been arguing for days again and you were standing at the patio door looking at the bell tower of the monastery on the hill. You called me over and put your arm around me, you held me tight and said, “Its going to be ok, I love you” and I looked you in the eye, started to cry and said, “I love you so much but I am afraid I am going to be a lesson for you. Please don’t let me be a lesson”. I knew back then, almost 10 years ago that there was something preventing you from having a truly loving committed relationship but I just could not bring myself to walk away.

Loving you has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced, I have analyzed every aspect of myself, my traits, desires, dreams, values, expectations, boundaries, beliefs, I have questioned my sanity, stability, intelligence and attractiveness, my abilities as a lover, friend, partner and wife. There was never a day I wasn’t happy to see you come home, never a night I didn’t want you in bed with me or to have you inside me. I would have gone any where and I lived in places no human should live. I quietly watched you working, playing your guitar, or just walking past and felt the love swell in my heart and I would pray to God that you would stop fighting whatever demons you seemed to be constantly battling and open your heart to love.

Maybe you have, maybe you learned your “lesson”, and if that is the case I wish you well. I am afraid I can’t be your friend or believe your apology although I do accept it because you have said yourself that I caused my own pain by not telling you to fuck off. I would be crazy to believe you now, to trust you with my bruised and battered heart. Why would I want a front row seat to watch you give M more than I ever asked of you?

I can even understand the attraction, I know you well enough for it to make sense, and I don’t think it is right but we never did agree on how a relationship should work.

In a practical sense it makes perfect sense. You knew you were fired, you knew you had to get away from the farm and the infestation of mice, you weren’t taking care of yourself and your finances were in a horrible mess, you hadn’t been taking care of business, you needed credibility.
Our problems always started with you sabotaging my vehicle because you didn’t like me having that freedom, then I couldn’t make money and you resented me for that, perhaps your male ego was bothered that you couldn’t support me so you had to seek other women to prove to yourself you still had it. Or maybe being in a committed relationship made you feel vulnerable, maybe it gave me too much power to hurt you. I don’t know the reasons I only know the facts. You resented the attention I gave my son, resented me not being home waiting for you and you resented paying for me in anyway.

You have found the perfect woman for you, no kidding, I am serious. You have managed to sweep her off her feet, something we all know you do well. You must have been exceptionally good this time to move in so quickly. For someone so frugal I would have expected her to be more cautious. But you know how to make a woman relax and trust you don’t you?

You borrow a little bit of money a couple of times and pay her right back, go on and on about how you hate to accept money from a woman and to close the deal you tell her how all your exs took advantage of you and the reason you don’t have anything now is because you weren’t strong enough to say no to them. Especially me, if it weren’t for me you could be semi retired but you know now that you are with her things will be different. You trust her to manage your money, you will pay her and she can pay all your bills and organize your life, you could never trust your ex’s to do that.

She looks at you and all your credentials and knows you have tons of potential, its just that no one appreciated you and encouraged you, or nurtured you; but that has changed now, with her help you will be successful.

She is widowed, perfect! She didn’t have to split any assets and even got life insurance so she is self supporting, plus has a home, and can you believe your good fortune? It has a shop!! Not as big as you are used to but it will do. It was like it was made just for you to walk in and take the place of her husband. She wasn’t used to being alone, married young, never worked except in their business, she was a house wife that needed a husband to take care of and there you were.

No I know you didn’t have anything in common but you never keep promises anyway, you can say you’ll quit drinking and smoking, stop seeing your ex’s, never do drugs again, and just because you’ve always believed in God doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind on that too.

She never had kids so no worries about them getting in the way like Kris did, you don’t have to share her with anyone. You don’t have to deal with an ex husband either. Beauty!!

As icing on the cake her folks are rich and old, someday she will get a nice inheritance and we all know if you are married that means you get an inheritance.

She doesn’t work so she is waiting at home for you every night with supper ready and if you are late and don’t answer your phone she just wraps it in plastic and leaves it out for you like any dutiful wife would. And you made sure she was waiting at home by driving her new Pilot. A new car came with the deal!! Really could you have planned it better? And there she is at home cheerfully getting your paperwork in order, taking messages for you from family and friend because you don’t have a phone. But it is better you don’t have a phone because then you won’t be tempted to fall back into your old habits.

It was so generous of you to come to me and offer to help me because you are doing so well now. You’ve really gotten your act together and want to share the wealth and help me be successful too.

As much as you know you need to marry her to really seal the deal it kind of put panic in your gut didn’t it? That’s why you needed to come running to me and make sure you still had me hooked. Just in case this all blows up in your face you have to have a place to land, just in case you get bored you need someone you can fuck with and if she gets too demanding you need her to know she can be replaced.

You have told her you thought you were in love before but that was before you met her, but you can’t let her get complacent and take your love for granted. You have to keep her on her toes, keep her feeling insecure so she will do anything to keep you happy because she just lost her husband to cancer and she can’t believe she had the good fortune to meet you! You filled that empty space in her heart and her home perfectly she can’t lose you now!!

Plus I really have to give you credit! Getting her to lend you $14,000, that was a good move on your part, she can’t kick you to the curb, she’ll never get her money back.

You have given me enough information I could be causing problems for you and that would really play into your whole orchestrated little game but unfortunately for you I am not playing a role in your life any more. You used your ex’s to cause problems between us and I am the ex that doesn’t play that game. I don’t want to hurt the one that follows me; she has enough on her hands.

I wish you well JC, it’s a match made in well…..not heaven….more like hell.

I thank you for finally being honest with me and telling me it was my own fault for believing you, it has released me.

You are not the man I fell in love with, but you are the man I lived with for 10 years and you know what? I don’t like you. You are a lie and a façade, a chameleon that changes with his environment, and the really sad thing is I don’t think you even know who you are or what you believe. I feel sorry for someone who has no deal breakers, nothing they would fight for, no values they hold dear, no promises they must keep, and no people they would die for. I walk away knowing I am capable of loving with every bit of my being, I loved for the sake of loving and as painful as it was I learned something about myself. I can be beaten down, verbally and physically have absolutely nothing and I still had my morals and values. I have come back because of my character and will to survive, an amazing ability to keep going against all odds and not once used someone or lied to get what I need. I have held my head high and not criticized you to friends and acquaintances, I have carried on struggling, doing my best and let everyone watch how we each handled our lives. It speaks volumes.

I am me because this is who I am at the core. You are you because of who you are with.

I will say good bye now.
Thank you for proving what you are made of and what I am capable of.

Carrie
the Lady Witha Truck

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

Part 2 Of JC’s Psychosis

Up until now this story might appear that it is me that was psychotic and at times I thought I was, it was a lot easier to believe than the man that I loved would be so devious as to purposely cause me to have an accident or worse; cause my death. Having his sister living with us actually saved my life, not what he had planned when he brought her home I am sure. I am sure he thought he was enlisting players for his team and hadn’t dreamed she would turn against him, which is possibly what drove him into his paranoid state.

He had these periods of psychosis throughout our relationship but it seems to me they got worse as time went on and lasted longer, only ending when I would leave, then slowly he would morph back into the sweet, intelligent, in control guy I met. If it wasn’t so scary when this happened it could be entertaining and humorous, his sister and I have had a few good laughs over some of the things he did, after the fact.

It amazes me that someone who acts so insane can act so normal. It brings to mind those newspaper articles about some guy who killed his whole family or blew up where he worked and they interview people and they say, “He was a really nice guy, kinda kept to himself.”

JC had been exhibiting some strange behavior prior to my son coming. He had set up a surveillance camera aimed at the chair I usually sat in when I was home. The surveillance camera had been set up for a long time, it was a remote camera that you could place in a room and go to another area and watch what someone was doing, it didn’t video tape, I had discovered it and just left it, I figured I wasn’t doing anything if he wanted to watch me painting more power to him it wasn’t worth fighting over. Kinda like watching paint dry, boring!!

JC started appearing out of no where or disappearing. The whole yard surrounding our trailer was fenced and had gravel so it was impossible to get to the trailer without the people inside hearing the gate or the gravel but he would just appear at the door. It was freaking D and I out because we couldn’t figure out how he managed to do it; either that or he would totally disappear.

He was always out in his shop in the barn and on more than one occasion I would go out to ask him something or tell him supper was ready and I couldn’t find him. One time in particular I went out to find him and D had also gone to speak to him unbeknown to each other. I went through the laundry room into the music room, he wasn’t there, I went from there into the main barn and walked the full length of it to his shop at the back calling his name and he was no where, I went back to the music room and there he was wiring up a speaker. I told him I’d been looking for him and he said he’d been there the whole time. I knew better than to argue and had forgotten what I wanted to say to him so I went back to the trailer just as D was coming around the side of the barn. She said she’d been looking for JC I said he was in the music room and she said she’d just been there and he wasn’t there. The chances of us both wandering the barn and not seeing him are very unlikely, so where was he? We were sure he had a hidey hole somewhere.

One night I went out to talk to him about something, walked the full length of the barn, and then checked the music room, just as I walked back out to the barn I saw the ember of a cigarette in the shadows and there he was, leaning against the wall just standing there watching me. It sent chills up my spine.

Another night at 3 in the morning I went out because I was going to tell him to come to bed, same thing, he was no where to be found but as I was walking back to the trailer I saw something move by the barn and I said, “JC?” and the shadow walked towards me. For a minute I froze unsure if I should run then he turned on his flashlight and I could see it was him. I said, ”What are you doing out here?” he said he thought he heard something.

Then one day D and I discovered he had built a staircase that went up one side of the fence and on the side of the fence that was in the trailer’s yard he had a ladder up against the fence. That was strange enough (you could access the barn by going out our gate and taking 20 steps to the left) but there was a gate not 5 feet away that went into our yard. We figured he’d built the fence so he could sneak up on us. We were sure we’d heard something or someone beside the trailer one night so the net day D went out to see what she could see and found a thin wire going from the barn, over the fence and under the trailer, when we followed the wire it went into the barn and along the wall down to his shop and it had an intercom speaker on the end of it.

I’ve gotten off course here, back to the story;

When I got back home after sleeping in Wal Mart parking lot with my son, D was awake and so apologetic, she swore her and JC weren’t doing crack, she said he had found the pipe in the couch and put it on the coffee table. I tend to believe her because I know she is honest, but I do think it was a set up by JC. She said that after I left JC had come and asked where I went and she didn’t know. He’d said something about me probably running after my son and taking his side. Then he’d said he’d be right back and gone in the music room and she hadn’t seen him since.

Right about then he came in the trailer said good morning like nothing had happened (typical of him, we could have a HUGE fight and the next day it was like nothing had happened) and went for a shower. He came out, said to have a nice day and went to work. From the kitchen window in the trailer you could see directly into the music room but JC had put up plywood and posters to cover the windows D and I went out to see what he was up to and he had obviously slept in the bed I had sent up for Kris.

D came to work with me and when we got home JC wasn’t home yet, but when he did get home he went directly out to the barn. I made supper and went out to tell him it was ready. I went to walk into the music room and the door was locked. I knocked and he said “yeah?” I told him to open the door. I heard the sound of a dead bolt and then he opened the door a crack and peeked out at me, I said, “Let me in” so he opened the door wider and I went in. He had the place all set up for himself, a propane heater going and Christmas lights strung along the ceiling (mood lighting). I said,”So are you moving into the barn now?” He said he was and that D and I could pay the rent on the trailer (we paid $650/month for the trailer and an extra $50 a month for the use of the music room and another $150 per month for his shop area in the barn) and he would pay the $200 for the music room and his shop. I said fine, but then you don’t use the shower or kitchen in the trailer and to forget about me cooking for him. Then I told him supper was ready.

We all ate dinner together then after dinner he went back out to the barn and stayed out there all night. In the morning he left for work without a shower. D and I went to check the music room and it was locked up solid. Now that would be fine except the doors didn’t have locks, and he hadn’t put a padlock on the outside. The music room was locked strictly from the inside, so how did he get out? D and I went around the whole area looking for a secret door or some thing but couldn’t figure out how he managed to get out of the music room and still have it locked.

That night he came home and went directly out to the barn again. If I went out to talk to him the music room door was locked and I’d have to knock, sometimes he would just talk to me through the door, other times he would open it a crack. Every few days he would come in for a shower, sometimes he ate with us sometimes not.

It was crazy making for sure. As I said in a previous post my cell phone was randomly playing the John Mayer’s song “Half of My Heart” and it was doing it again so I went out to the barn to show JC and ask if he knew anything about it. I found him in the barn and told him what had been happening. I held out my cell so he could hear the song and he just started crying. He said he loved me and held me for a long time then he took my hand and led me over to the wall my son had built. He removed a couple of boards and crawled through into the music room. So that was how he was doing it!

The music room was a disaster area, typical of JC, he always was a slob (not when I first met him of course), we had sex, I can’t call it making love, it wasn’t passionate, it wasn’t loving, it just was. I felt empty, hopeless, just spent, and there was no connectedness between him and I.

After that he didn’t lock the music room anymore and when D and I checked the next day we discovered a pile of turds in the corner. There was a bathroom adjoining the music room, just totally bizarre behavior.

Just a few of the bizarre incidents that were part of my life with JC.